Car Gas Jokes

Yo momma's so s**... she sold her car for gas money!

A truck driver was driving along on the freeway.

A sign comes up that reads, "Low Bridge Ahead."
Before he knows it, the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge.
Cars are backed up for miles.
Finally, a police car comes up.
The cop gets out of his car and walk s to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says,
"Got stuck, huh?"
The truck driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas.

Chuck Norris doesn't worry about high gas prices.
His vehicles run on fear.

I don't want to be a millionaire. I just want to have enough money to stare off into the distance while pumping gas.

A Blond walks into a gas station...

and asks the employee: "I locked my keys in the car. Do you have a coat hanger or something I can stick through the window to unlock the door?"
Ten minutes later a trucker comes in and can't stop laughing. So the employee asks him why he is laughing. The trucker says: "There is a Blond who tries to open her car with a coat hanger!" The employee: "So what? This could happen to anyone." Trucker: "Sure, but usually there isn't another Blond in the car who yells: a little more right / a little more left! "

Saw a sign at a gas station earlier that said "car wash out of order."

So I waxed my car, sprayed it with water and then applied soap.

Did you hear about the new car that instead of using gas, runs on Carbon, Oxygen, Carbon, and Potassium?

It's a real guzzler.

My dad was literally trying to kill me when he brought me my first car.

It had all sort of problems gas leak, worn tires but mostly it was cheap so that he could use the rest of his money to put a hit on me.

My old car is a great investment

It doubles in value every time I fill the gas tank.

The Snail Salesman

The traveling snail salesman delivered snails to restaurants in his station wagon. After travelling and working for half the day, he stopped at a gas station for a cup of coffee. When he came out he found his car was no longer there. The snail salesman cried out "Where did my escargot cargo car go?!"

Did you hear about the ex-p**... star who got fired from the gas station?

Every time he got close to filling the tank, he'd pull the nozzle out and spray gasoline all over the car.

What do cars and humans have in common?

We both burn gas.

I'm a scientist who's researching b**... between humans and dogs…

If you'd like more details, I'll be in my lab…

My brother and I work together at a gas station, filling cars

I now call him pump-kin.

Police Shooting

A lady was filling up the gas tank in her car and lit a cigarette to pass the time. After which a piece of ash fell onto her arm and started a fire. As she's flailing about trying to put the fire out, a police cruiser pulls into the station. Instinctively, she starts running towards the officer in an effort to get help. The police officer sees the lady running at him and shoots her, killing her
I guess you shouldn't run towards police officers if you have a firearm

I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights

I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and I'm gone.
Credit to Steven Wright.

I bet you can't name 2 cars that start with "p"

Wait for response.....
No they both start with gas.

My car ran out of gas, and then started hugging everyone...

It was on E

The wife and I took a long, leisurely drive out to the country and pulled over to fill up our car's gas tank and tires...

She was surprised to see that the station had a fee to fill the tires and asked me, "Why in the world do they charge for AIR?!"
I responded, "Inflation."

A lady was putting gas in her car today while smoking a cigarette.

Unfortunately, the lady caught her arm of fire. She was frantically moving her flaming arm in the air until a police officer brutally slammed her to the ground and handcuffed her. "Why are you arresting her?" I said. "She was waving a firearm" he responded.

What's the difference between a car and a woman?

A car doesn't mind when you shove a hose in its gas hole.

Why don't you see mumble rappers at gas stations?

You can't fuel up your car with a Lil' Pump.

A man went to a gas station

To pump up his car, but as he went to do so, the nozzle set his arm on fire. He then got back into his car and headed for the hospital. As he was on the highway, he was waving his burning arm out of the window, but was seen by a cop. The cop then pulled him over and promptly arrested him for possession of a firearm.

A trucker gets lost one day and as luck would have it, he comes to low bridge and gets stuck under it...cars are backed up for miles behind him....

Eventually, a cop car pulls up, the officer gets out and walks up, laughing hysterically and pointing at the trucker.
He puts his hands on his hips and says with a chuckle, "Got stuck, eh?"
The trucker replies, "No sir, not at all, you see, I was delivering this bridge when I ran out of gas..."

"Hey professor, is it true you made a car that runs on gas?"

"Yes, I Madagascar"

Bob's car suddenly stopped on a dark street

Bob used his lighter to check the gas. He was 30 years old.

I got fired from my gas station job yesterday...

Apparently, you're not supposed to pull out and spray all over the car when close to being finished.

A blonde walked into a gas station...

A blonde walked into a gas station and told the manager, "I locked my keys in my car and I was wondering if you had a coat hanger I could stick through the window and unlock the door."
"Why, sure," said the manager, "We have something that works especially for that."
A couple minutes later, the manager walked outside to see how the blonde was doing. He heard another voice. "No, no, a little to the left," said the other blonde inside the car.

A man in my town was arrested for indecent exposure when he forgot to close his fuel filler door on his car.

He was showing the public his gas hole.

I had the worst gas pains ever since I bought my first car. Then I bought a Tesla.

Now I find I'm frequently just low on energy.

I saw a woman once

Who was smoking a cigarette at a gas station while she filled her car. She pulled out the nozzle and gas shot everywhere and her arm was immediately engulfed in flames. She starts waving it around and a cop saw it and shot her dead. She was waving an i**... fire arm.

A man asks another "do you have a car?".

"Sorta", he replies.
"What do you mean?", asks the man.
"Well, it's my wife's car when she goes grocery shopping, it's my son's car when he goes to his girlfriend's, it's my daughter's car when she goes out at night and it's mine when it's out of gas!".

Why did the Pornstar get fired from his job at the gas station?

Because every time the tank was almost full he'd pull the nozzle out and spray gas all over the car.

I was filling up my car and fuel leaked onto the ground in the shape of "HA."

Guess someone knew I needed some laughing gas.

A guy walks into a car part store...

He says to the man behind the counter, "I need a gas cap for a Geo Metro."
The guy behind the counter thinks for a second and then says, "I think that's a fair trade."

Vin Diesel pulled up next to me at a light the other day

Shocked, I saw him motion for me to roll down my window. I did and he said to me:
"You know what I put in my car?"
"Gas?" I replied.
"Diesel" he said and then he sped off.

Two Nuns run out of gas...

Two Nuns run out of gas a mile from the gas station.
They are rummaging around the car for a gas can, or some other container to hold the fuel but all they can find is a bed pan.
So they take the bed pan and walk the mile to the station, fill the pan and walk back to the car.
So there they are, two Nuns in full Nun garb pouring gas into the vehicle from a bed pan.
A man driving by sees the Nuns, sees the bed pan and exclaims:
"Oh, Lord! Now that is faith!"

4 engineers repairing a car

*there are 4 engineers in a car but it doesn't start*
Mechanical engineer: the spark plug must be broken
Chemical engineer: there must be impurities in the gas
Electrical engineer: the contact must be broken
Computer engineer: what if we exit and enter the car another time?

What you call a person driving a car under the influence of laughing gas ?

Madagascar

A truck driver sees a n**... man tied to a tree off to the side of the road.

He pulls his rig to the side and approaches the man. The man says to him, "Oh, thank God you're here. I pulled into a gas station to get some gas. I was robbed at gun point, thrown into the trunk of my car and then driven here. Then they stripped me of all of my clothes, took my wedding ring and drove off."
The truck driver shook his head, lowered his fly and said, "This just isn't your day, is it."

What octane gas would Abraham Lincoln put in a car?

Four Score and Seven

A man in a Trabi (old eastern german car) went to a gas station.

He said: "I'd like to have two windshield wipers for my Trabi, please."
The man in charge looked at the car and responded: "That sounds about fair."

What kind of car did Jesus drive?

OK. I apologize in advance if you've already seen this one. it's an old joke from the 70's, when there was a gas crisis, and they posted this question on billboards around the South.
So, what's the answer? The answer is that no know knows what Jesus drove, but we know that his Father drove a Plymouth. How do we know? Because it says so right in the Bible. It clearly says that God drove Adam and Eve out of the Garden of Eden in a Fury.

Apparently I've been banned from the gas station for playing 'The Who' too loudly on my car stereo...

I won't get fueled again.

What do clowns fill their cars with?

Laughing gas!
-----------
This has probably been made before, but I just thought of it after my mom, while doing her crossword puzzle, said aloud "fuel for a funny car" and I suggested laughing gas. It wasn't the right answer, unfortunately.

What is Elon Musk's favorite country?

Mad-at-gas-car

Three kids ask their mom about their unusual names.

The first kid asks, Why am I named Kitchen Table? His mom says, Well sweetie, when you were born the car was out of gas and we couldn't get to the hospital, so you were born on the kitchen table.
The second kid asks, Why am I named Backseat? Her mom says, Well honey, when *you* were born, we got stuck in traffic on the way to the hospital, and you were born in the backseat of the car.
The third kid says, That's neat. But mom, why am I the only one with a normal name?
His mom just says, I wouldn't worry about it too much, John.

A woman was pumping her gas on an extremely hot day.

As she pulled the nozzle from her car, some splashed on her arm and a random spark ignited the gas. As her arm was burning, she called for help to have someone try to quell the flame before it grew too high. To her luck, a couple police officers walked out from inside the gas station and immediately walked over to her.
As she pleaded for help, they approached her and immediately arrested her for unlawfully waving a firearm.

An Estonian visits russia

He departs from Tallinn, the journey goes as planned until, 2 hours and a half in, he realizes he needs petrol otherwise he won't get to russia, so he stops at a gas station near narva, and decides to get a snack and go to the bathroom. So before filling up his car he gets off, walks to the gas station's shop's counter and asks for a sandwich, he eats it, and then goes to the bathroom, seeing all the doors closed, he knocks.
"Occupied"
"Again?!"

How is a car like a human?

Gas comes out the tailpipe.

Engineers

One day, a mechanical engineer, electrical engineer, chemical engineer, and computer engineer were driving down the street in the same car when it broke down. The mechanical engineer said, "I think a rod broke." The chemical engineer said, "The way it sputtered at the end, I think it's not getting enough gas." The electrical engineer said, "I think there was a spark and something's wrong with the electrical system." All three turned to the computer engineer and said, "What do you think?" The computer engineer said, "I think we should all get out and then get back in."

Last Minute

A minister waited in line to have his car filled with gas just before a long holiday weekend. The attendant worked quickly, but there were many cars ahead of him. Finally, the attendant motioned him toward a vacant pump. "Reverend," said the young man, "I'm so sorry about the delay. It seems as if everyone waits until the last minute to get ready for a long trip." The minister chuckled, "I know what you mean. It's the same in my business."

I have just one question for my car's gas cap…

Whose side are you on?

What happens when you press on the gas and the brake pedals at the same time?

Your car takes a screenshot

Why did Madagascar decide to go fully electric with their vehicles?

Because with these gas prices, they're mad at gas cars.

It used to be free.

Re-pumping up your car tyre at the gas station used to be free. Now, they've started charging $1 a minute to use the pump.
Why you ask?
Inflation.

Bill Gates is hanging out with GM's Chairman...

Gates is in a taunting mood. "If automotive technology had kept pace with computer technology over the past few decades," boasts Gates, "you would now be driving a V-32 instead of a V-8, and it would have a top speed of 10,000 miles per hour. Or, you could have an economy car that weighs 30 pounds and gets a thousand miles to a gallon of gas.
In either case, the sticker price of a new car would be less than $50."
"Sure," says the GM chairman. "But, Bill, would you really want to drive a car that crashes four times a day?"