Car Accident Jokes

Following is our collection of collision puns and amputate one-liner funnies working better than reddit jokes. Including Car Accident jokes for adults, dirty wreck jokes and clean carlo dad gags for kids.

The Best Car Accident Puns

My girlfriend invited me to meet her parents.

Before we went over, she let me know that her father, Dale, was in a car accident and had his legs amputated at the hips. Apparently, it was a sensitive issue, and I was not to mention it.

When we arrived, her dad greeted us at the door. Not seeing his wife anywhere, I said to him, Dale, it's great to meet you. Is your other half in the kitchen?

My friend in Alabama lost his Mom, his Sister, and his Wife in a car accident.

He really loved that woman.

My girlfriend told me she wanted someone who treated her like a princess

So I hired paparazzi to follow her and she died in a car accident.

Car Accident joke, My girlfriend told me she wanted someone who treated her like a princess

A Jewish man is in a car accident.

A Jewish man is in a car accident and is laying bleeding on the side of the road. A cop runs up, and rolls him on his back. He looks down on him and says, "the paramedics are coming. Are you comfortable?"

The Jewish guy say, "eh... I make a decent living."

So I got in a car accident with a dwarf today...

As he stormed out of his car he banged on my window screaming, "I'm not happy!!"

To which I replied, "Well then which one are you?"


For my cake day, a joke...

Harry answers the telephone, and it's an Emergency Room doctor. The doctor says, "Your wife was in a serious car accident, and I have bad news and good news. The bad news is she has lost all use of both arms and both legs, and will need help eating and going to the bathroom for the rest of her life."
Harry says, "My God. What's the good news?"
The doctor says, "I'm kidding. She's dead."

My friend lost his toes in a car accident, so I punched him in the face

I'm lack toes intolerant

Car Accident joke, My friend lost his toes in a car accident, so I punched him in the face

Women are responsible for roughly 45% of car accidents

Which is pretty high, considering the steering wheel isn't even on their side.

I got into a car accident with a midget...

He got out of his car, angrily shaking his fist and yelled, "I'm NOT happy!"

"Well," I replied, "which one are you?"

I got a call from a policeman telling me my wife had been in a car accident.

"Is she ok?" I asked worriedly.

"Well, she does have two bumps and a very large gash." he replied.

"I know that, but is she injured in any way?"

Three women and ducks

Three women die in a car accident and go to heaven when they are at the gate god tells them that there is only one rule and that is that you may not step on a duck. They women enter and do their best to enjoy heaven while being cautious about where they step for there are ducks everywhere. After about a week one of the three women steps on a duck and suddenly this old, smelly, repulsive and hairy man is chained to her for life. This only makes the other women more careful and another month passes by when a second of the three women steps on a duck. Then chained to her is a man more repulsive then the first. The third woman becomes ever so cautious and make it a whole year without treading upon a duck. Chained to her is a handsom, muscular and wonderful gentleman. She says to him "What happened to you?" he replies " I stepped on a duck..."


Three nuns die in a car accident. They arrive at the pearly gates...

...and St. Peter greets them, "welcome to heaven sisters! Before I let you in I have to ask you each a question that you must answer to be accepted into heaven."

The first nun steps up, and St. Peter asks, "who is the son of god?" The nun says, "that's easy. Jesus." The gates open, and she strolls into heaven.

The second one steps up. "Who is Jesus' mother?" She answers, "Mary," and the gates open.

The third nun steps up, and he asks, "What was the first thing Eve said to Adam?" The nun looks flustered, and she says, "that's a really hard one..." And the gates open.

A priest and a rabbi get into a car accident...

A priest and a rabbi get into a car accident at an intersection. They get out of their cars and find that neither is hurt, which is surprising because it was a horrible accident. The cars are a mangled mess.

The priest says to the rabbi, "Thank the lord that we are both uninjured! That was *terrifying.* I still can't stop shaking. I was so frightened!"



The rabbi says, "Friend, I feel the same way. I saw my life flash before my eyes, but those airbags saved us. Look, I had this bottle of Manischevits wine on the seat next to me and it didn't even break! Here, let's have a drink to calm our nerves. " as he hands the bottle to the priest

"Yes, and also to celebrate still being alive!" the priest says as he takes a long drink from the bottle.

He hands the bottle back to the rabbi who, instead of drinking, closes the bottle and puts it in his pocket.


"Aren't you going to have a drink?" the priest asks

"Not until after the cops get here. "

Did you guys hear about the 4 car accident in Mexico?

...94 people died.

So I'm dating this half-Korean girl...

Her mother's Korean, her father's Korean, and her legs got ripped off in a car accident

Afterlife for IRS Cheaters

Tony and his friend John die in a car accident and go to judgment. God tells Tony that because he cheated on his income taxes, the only way he can enter Heaven is to sleep with a stupid, ugly woman for the next five years.

A few days later, as Tony's walking in the park with his stupid, hideous new girlfriend, he spots his friend John with an absolutely drop dead gorgeous woman. "John, what happened?" Tony asks.

"I have no idea," John replies. "I was told I have five years of amazing sex to look forward to. The only thing I don't understand is why she always yells 'Damn income taxes!' whenever we have sex."

Car Accident joke, Afterlife for IRS Cheaters

A young couple dies on their way to their wedding....

On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple were involved in a fatal car accident. The couple found themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven.
While waiting they began to wonder; Could they possibly get married in Heaven?
When St. Peter arrived they asked him if they could get married in Heaven.
St. Peter said, 'I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out,' and he left.
The couple sat and waited for an answer.... for a couple of months.
While they waited, they discussed the pros and cons. If they were allowed to get married in Heaven, should they get married, what with the eternal aspect of it all?
What if it doesn't work? Are we stuck in Heaven together forever?'
Another month passed. St. Peter finally returned, looking somewhat bedraggled.
Yes,' he informed the couple, 'You can get married in Heaven.'
'Great!' said the couple. 'But we were just wondering; what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?'
St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slammed his clipboard on the ground.
'What's wrong?' asked the frightened couple.
'OH, COME ON!!!' St. Peter shouted. 'It took me 3 months to find a priest up here! Do you have ANY idea how long it'll take to find a lawyer?

Two guys died in a car crash...

There were these two friends, who died in a horrible car accident. They both went to heaven and were standing at the pearly gates when St. Peter met them. St. Peter asked the first man for a picture of his wife. After looking at the picture, St. Peter asked him if he had ever cheated on her. The man replied, "I was unfaithful to my wife one time." St. Peter decided to give the man a station-wagon for him to drive around heaven. Now it was the second man's turn. St. Peter asked him for a picture of his wife and then asked if he had ever cheated on her. The man replied,"here's a picture of my wife, and I never cheated on her." St. Peter was very impressed and decided to give the man a Ferrari to drive around heaven. After a few months in heaven, the two friends met up with each other. The second man was bragging about his Ferrari when the other turned to him and said, "I wouldn't be bragging if I were you. I just saw your wife on a skateboard."

3 friends die in a car accident and they go to an orientation in heaven...

They are all asked, "When you are in your casket and friends and family are talking about you, what would you like them to say?

The first guy says,"I would like to hear them say that I was a great doctor of my time, and a great family man."

The second guy says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher which made a huge difference in our children of tomorrow."

The last guy replies, "I would like to hear them say ... Look, He's Moving!


the other day, I got into a car accident.

A midget got out of the other car and said "I'm not happy!"

I said "Well, than which one are you?"

My brother was in a car accident yesterday and lost his left arm and left leg.

Well actually, he's not my brother... he's my half-brother. He's all right now.

A dumb joke I thought of a couple weeks ago.

A truck carrying cows and a truck carrying cannabis get into a car accident. Neither party can agree on who's fault the accident was, so they hire a detective. This is the detective's first day on the job and his boss tells him, If you can solve this case you get a promotion, however if you fail you will be fired. The steaks are high.

What do you get when two different pairs of similar angles get in a car accident?

a wrecked angle


(This took me one 20 minute shower to think out)

A man was in a horrific car accident and rushed to the hospital. A few days later, he woke up startled and yelled, Doctor, I can't feel my legs!

The doctor replied, I'm sorry, but we had to amputate your arms.

Why do most car accidents happen when men are drunk?

Because their wives are driving.

A man heard that over 90% of car accidents happen within 15 km of home.

So he moved.

What are the most racist jokes you know?

There were 3 car accidents in Mexico 70 people died.

What do you call a bunch of black people in a swimming pool?
Coco puffs.

A conservative gets into a car accident with a bus full of socialists.

"Are you guys alright?" asks the conservative.

"No, we're mostly left."

Three men die in a car accident on Christmas Eve

They all find themselves at the Pearly Gates waiting to enter heaven. On entering they must present something relating to or associated with Christmas. The first man searches his pocket, and finds some mistletoe, so he is allowed in. The second man presents a cracker, so he is also allowed in. The third man pulls out a pair of stockings. Confused at this last gesture, St Peter asks, 'How do these represent Christmas?' Answer: 'They're Carol's.'

Did you know princess diana was on the radio during her car accident?

She was also on the dash, windshield and the hood

I was involved in a car accident today

Got away with a broken arm, no idea who it belonged to but now it's mine.

What's the difference between a Japanese Restaurant and a Japanese car accident?

One has lots of crustaceans, the other has lots of crushed Asians.

I was in a car accident.

I got rear ended the other day, and the driver, who was less than 4 feet tall, started yelling and hollering.

He screamed, "I am NOT HAPPY!", so I yelled back, "WELL WHICH ARE YOU THEN?!"

A man has a car accident...

A man is talking with a policeman after he had a collision with a tree.

'Could you please tell me what exactly happened, sir?' asks the policeman.

'You see,' says the man, 'there was this squirrel that suddenly popped out of nowhere to cross the street.'

'But if it is truly necessary, can't you just run over the squirrel?'

'I know, but then the squirrel hid behind a tree.'

Prince Philip had a car accident and his Range Rover was written off.

All that money and nothing to chauffeur it

I'm dating a half-Asian girl.

Her mom's Korean and her dad's Korean, and her legs got torn off in a car accident.

- Dan Mintz

I got this hot blondes phone number today!

Im starting to think i should cause car accidents more often.

Four Polish men die in a car accident

Two in the actual crash and two more in the reenactment.

Traffic accidents

A Frenchman and an Englishman are talking at a bar:

Frenchman: "Did you hear, in France they lowered the the amount of alcohol you can drink before driving. But now car accidents have significantly increased"

Englishman: " Wow, how can that be?"

Frenchman: " Well its because if a man drinks wine with a meal at a restaurant, his wife has to drive him home"

Did you hear about the gay man who got into a car accident?

Now he's both a fruit *and* a vegetable.

I dated a half Asian girl

Her mom was Korean

Her dad was Korean

Her legs got ripped off in the car accident.

As a bus driver, I've never gotten into a car accident in all my 20 years of experience.

I have gotten into at least 15 bus accidents though.

A Physicist Gets Into A Car Accident

A surfer dude approaches the shattered driver's-side window and asks, "Are you hurt, man? The driver replies, "No, I'm Feynman".

A man had a girlfriend called Lorraine, but was cheating on her with a woman called Clearly.

Unfortunately, Lorraine got into a car accident and died. At the funeral, the man stood up and said 'I can see Clearly now Lorraine has gone.'

My buddy's wife left him after he lost his feet in a car accident.

Turned out she was lack toes intolerant.

What do you call a triangle that gets into a car accident?

A rektangle

I was recently in a car accident and had to have both my legs amputated.

After the crash pretty much everything went to shit. I started getting nightmares from the stress, I lost my job from being unable to work, even my wife left me.

Honestly it feels like I dont have a leg to stand on at the moment.

A man wakes up in a hospital after being in a car accident

He looks around, panic in his eyes, and sees the doctor. He cries out "Doctor, I can't feel my legs!"

The doctor turns to him and says, "Relax, you can't feel your legs because I cut off your arms".

There was a 3 car accident in Mexico yesterday, 84 people were found dead.

Car Accident

So I got into a car accident the other day. It was nothing major, just a small fender bender as I rear-ended the car ahead of me. We both pull over and I get my insurance information ready when I see the other driver step out of his car - he was a dwarf! I get out of my car and get ready to hand him my information when he looks at me and says "I'm not happy..." so I responded "Well which one are you?"

Chris used to drink only regular coffee, then he got in a car accident and lost both his legs below his knees...

Now he goes with de-calf.

Clean Underwear

My mom always told me to wear clean underwear in case I was ever in an accident. I never thought this was a real thing until I read about a car accident in the paper. They said the officers at the scene checked and there were no skidmarks.

Did you hear about the guy who lost his entire left side in a car accident?

He's alright now

If a gay man gets into a debilitating car accident...

is he a fruit or a vegetable?

Did you hear about the blind guy who got in a car accident?

He regained his sight in ICU.

Another joke translated from Arabic

A man was walking home from work when he got in a car accident

His wife comes in a hurry to the hospital and asks the Doctor how he's doing the Doctor says

We got him out of intensive care but he died

3 Men's Afterlives

Three men get into a horrible car accident, and all three die together. As they are waiting in limbo, they start talking about the Afterlife. As it turns out, one man is Muslim, one man is Buddhist, the last is Christian.

The Muslim says, "I'm going to enjoy my 40 virgins until my wife shows up!"

The Buddhist says, "Reincarnation is going to be a blast.. until I find my wife again."

The Christian man starts laughing, and the others seem puzzled.

"My wife's an athiest."

Did you hear that the spaghetti noodle got into a car accident?

Paramedics tried to save him, but in the end, he pasta-way.

I'm dating a half asian girl

Her mom is Japanese.

Her father is Japanese.

Her legs were ripped off in a car accident

A stand-up comedian got in a car accident and his legs got amputated

He's just a comedian now.

Car Accident

Two paramedics arrived at the scene of a car crash. The driver of the car was still sitting in his seat, screaming his head off. One of the paramedics tried to calm him down.


"Pull yourself together, man" he says. "At least you haven't gone through the windshield like your passenger" He points at a girl lying unconscious on the side of the road.

The driver replied "You haven't seen what's in her mouth"

3 Brazilian

A blonde was listening to the radio when suddenly she heard "3 Brazilian men died in a fatal car accident." The woman then asked, "How much is a Brazilian?"

Justin Bieber Jokes

Dear Justing Bieber Haters, Please respect him... I owe my life to Justin. Last August 16,2016 I was in coma for 2 months due to a terrible car accident.

One day my nurse turned the radio to Justin's song. So I got up.. And I turned off the radio.

Now that women can drive in Saudi Arabia there are going to be more car accidents.

Because there are more drivers.

What's the first thing that goes through your head, when you find yourself in a car accident without a seat belt?

The windshield

A man got in a car accident with a dwarf, who got out of his car and said, "I'm not happy!" The man replied, "Well, which one are you?"

An oxygen atom and a potassium atom were involved in a car accident

Fortunately, they came out OK

What do you call a dinosaur that gets in a car accident?

A tyrannosaurus wreck.

A man is laying on his death bed, with his wife next to him

He tells his wife
"Honey, you have always been there for me. When I got in that terrible car accident and lost my leg, you were right there by my side. When my business failed, you were still right there by my side. Even last week, when the Dr gave me the terrible news, you were by my side and refused to leave. I don't know how to say this honey, but I'm starting to think you are bad luck."

I don't want to jinx it, but I've never been in a car accident...

I'm a totally wreckless driver.

Did you hear about the leper whose wife died in a tragic car accident?

He fell to pieces.

There is an abundance of paramedic jokes out there. You're fortunate to read a set of the 71 funniest jokes and car accident puns. Full with funny wisecracks it is even funnier than any paramedics witze you can hear about car accident.

Use only working piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Note that dirty and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. You can seriously offend people by saying creepy dark humor words to them.

Joko Jokes