Car Accident Jokes

Humoristic puns and funny pick up lines

Two Police officers.

Two police officers crash their car into a tree. After a moment of silence, one of them says:

Wow, that's got to be the fastest we've ever gotten to an accident site.

An officer pulls up at the scene of an accident

where a car has driven through a field, killed several livestock and crashed into a barn. He decides to interview Steve who is struggling to keep his balance and is being propped up by Karen.







"Been out for a few have we mate?" asks the officer.







"Shuure ave mate" grins Steve.







"I realise you are very drunk sir," states the officer, "but that is absolutely no excuse to let your wife drive you home!"

I saved 15% on car insurance by switching....

The gear to reverse and pulling away from the accident

My girlfriend told me she wanted someone who treated her like a princess

So I hired paparazzi to follow her and she died in a car accident.

A Jewish man is in a car accident.

A Jewish man is in a car accident and is laying bleeding on the side of the road. A cop runs up, and rolls him on his back. He looks down on him and says, "the paramedics are coming. Are you comfortable?"

The Jewish guy say, "eh... I make a decent living."

A man is driving his car when suddenly the door of a parked car is swung open in front of him.

He proceeds to smash into the door of the car, ripping it off. He stops to see another man, in a very expensive suit, jump out of the car and scream at him "you just ripped the door off my lovely Porsche!".

The first man says "You are so materialistic...you didn't even notice that you left arm was ripped off in the accident".

The second man looks down for a second, then screams "my Rolex!"

So I got in a car accident with a dwarf today...

As he stormed out of his car he banged on my window screaming, "I'm not happy!!"

To which I replied, "Well then which one are you?"

For my cake day, a joke...

Harry answers the telephone, and it's an Emergency Room doctor. The doctor says, "Your wife was in a serious car accident, and I have bad news and good news. The bad news is she has lost all use of both arms and both legs, and will need help eating and going to the bathroom for the rest of her life."
Harry says, "My God. What's the good news?"
The doctor says, "I'm kidding. She's dead."

My friend lost his toes in a car accident, so I punched him in the face

I'm lack toes intolerant

I got into a car accident with a midget...

He got out of his car, angrily shaking his fist and yelled, "I'm NOT happy!"

"Well," I replied, "which one are you?"

An old lady gets into an accident with a midget...

...he gets out of the car, obviously furious, and stomps toward the old woman. "I am *not* happy," he growls.
The old woman, calm as can be, says:
"Well, which one are you, then?"

I got a call from a policeman telling me my wife had been in a car accident.

"Is she ok?" I asked worriedly.

"Well, she does have two bumps and a very large gash." he replied.

"I know that, but is she injured in any way?"

Three women and ducks

Three women die in a car accident and go to heaven when they are at the gate god tells them that there is only one rule and that is that you may not step on a duck. They women enter and do their best to enjoy heaven while being cautious about where they step for there are ducks everywhere. After about a week one of the three women steps on a duck and suddenly this old, smelly, repulsive and hairy man is chained to her for life. This only makes the other women more careful and another month passes by when a second of the three women steps on a duck. Then chained to her is a man more repulsive then the first. The third woman becomes ever so cautious and make it a whole year without treading upon a duck. Chained to her is a handsom, muscular and wonderful gentleman. She says to him "What happened to you?" he replies " I stepped on a duck..."

I just saved a bunch of money on my car insurance by switching...

...my car into reverse and driving away from the accident.

Positive...

James finds a friend whom he hasn't spoken with for a long time, so to be nice, he breaks the ice:

" -Hey Oscar, how are you doing?"

" -Terrible."

" -What?! What about your Ferrari?"

" -Wrecked in an accident... and the insurance had just expired."

" -Well, you win some, you lose some... And what about your son, the intelectual one?"

" -He was the one driving the Ferrari. Died upon impact."

" -But what about your beautiful daughter, didn't she say she wanted to be a model or something?"

" -She did, yeah... And was with her brother. She died too. Only person who wasn't in the car was my wife."

" -Oh thank God! How is she?"

" -She ran off with my bussiness partner."

" -Well, at least you got the company."

" -Yeah, a bankrupt one... I owe millions."

" -Jesus, dude! Do you have anything positive in your life?"

" -Yeah, HIV."

A priest and a rabbi get into a car accident...

A priest and a rabbi get into a car accident at an intersection. They get out of their cars and find that neither is hurt, which is surprising because it was a horrible accident. The cars are a mangled mess.

The priest says to the rabbi, "Thank the lord that we are both uninjured! That was *terrifying.* I still can't stop shaking. I was so frightened!"



The rabbi says, "Friend, I feel the same way. I saw my life flash before my eyes, but those airbags saved us. Look, I had this bottle of Manischevits wine on the seat next to me and it didn't even break! Here, let's have a drink to calm our nerves. " as he hands the bottle to the priest

"Yes, and also to celebrate still being alive!" the priest says as he takes a long drink from the bottle.

He hands the bottle back to the rabbi who, instead of drinking, closes the bottle and puts it in his pocket.


"Aren't you going to have a drink?" the priest asks

"Not until after the cops get here. "

Three nuns die in a car accident. They arrive at the pearly gates...

...and St. Peter greets them, "welcome to heaven sisters! Before I let you in I have to ask you each a question that you must answer to be accepted into heaven."

The first nun steps up, and St. Peter asks, "who is the son of god?" The nun says, "that's easy. Jesus." The gates open, and she strolls into heaven.

The second one steps up. "Who is Jesus' mother?" She answers, "Mary," and the gates open.

The third nun steps up, and he asks, "What was the first thing Eve said to Adam?" The nun looks flustered, and she says, "that's a really hard one..." And the gates open.

Did you guys hear about the 4 car accident in Mexico?

...94 people died.

So I'm dating this half-Korean girl...

Her mother's Korean, her father's Korean, and her legs got ripped off in a car accident

Afterlife for IRS Cheaters

Tony and his friend John die in a car accident and go to judgment. God tells Tony that because he cheated on his income taxes, the only way he can enter Heaven is to sleep with a stupid, ugly woman for the next five years.

A few days later, as Tony's walking in the park with his stupid, hideous new girlfriend, he spots his friend John with an absolutely drop dead gorgeous woman. "John, what happened?" Tony asks.

"I have no idea," John replies. "I was told I have five years of amazing sex to look forward to. The only thing I don't understand is why she always yells 'Damn income taxes!' whenever we have sex."

A young couple dies on their way to their wedding....

On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple were involved in a fatal car accident. The couple found themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven.
While waiting they began to wonder; Could they possibly get married in Heaven?
When St. Peter arrived they asked him if they could get married in Heaven.
St. Peter said, 'I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out,' and he left.
The couple sat and waited for an answer.... for a couple of months.
While they waited, they discussed the pros and cons. If they were allowed to get married in Heaven, should they get married, what with the eternal aspect of it all?
What if it doesn't work? Are we stuck in Heaven together forever?'
Another month passed. St. Peter finally returned, looking somewhat bedraggled.
Yes,' he informed the couple, 'You can get married in Heaven.'
'Great!' said the couple. 'But we were just wondering; what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?'
St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slammed his clipboard on the ground.
'What's wrong?' asked the frightened couple.
'OH, COME ON!!!' St. Peter shouted. 'It took me 3 months to find a priest up here! Do you have ANY idea how long it'll take to find a lawyer?

Two guys died in a car crash...

There were these two friends, who died in a horrible car accident. They both went to heaven and were standing at the pearly gates when St. Peter met them. St. Peter asked the first man for a picture of his wife. After looking at the picture, St. Peter asked him if he had ever cheated on her. The man replied, "I was unfaithful to my wife one time." St. Peter decided to give the man a station-wagon for him to drive around heaven. Now it was the second man's turn. St. Peter asked him for a picture of his wife and then asked if he had ever cheated on her. The man replied,"here's a picture of my wife, and I never cheated on her." St. Peter was very impressed and decided to give the man a Ferrari to drive around heaven. After a few months in heaven, the two friends met up with each other. The second man was bragging about his Ferrari when the other turned to him and said, "I wouldn't be bragging if I were you. I just saw your wife on a skateboard."

3 friends die in a car accident and they go to an orientation in heaven...

They are all asked, "When you are in your casket and friends and family are talking about you, what would you like them to say?

The first guy says,"I would like to hear them say that I was a great doctor of my time, and a great family man."

The second guy says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher which made a huge difference in our children of tomorrow."

The last guy replies, "I would like to hear them say ... Look, He's Moving!

A joke I've picked up from working in Higher Education.

At a small university there is the director of the Sociology program, the director of the Religious Studies program, the director of the Anthropology program and the university president. All four of them are heading to a conference in the next town over. The directors all decide to carpool, and the president is driving his Porsche behind them. On the way to the conference the directors loose control of their vehicle and crash into oncoming traffic. It's a horrific accident. The university president manages to stop his car, gets out, witnesses the accident and exclaims...

"Oh the Humanities!"

the other day, I got into a car accident.

A midget got out of the other car and said "I'm not happy!"

I said "Well, than which one are you?"

An Unlikely Friendship

John is driving north on a highway after a sporting event when he comes to a single lane bridge. He checks the road and begins to cross the river, only to be hit head-on from the oncoming direction. The two cars are completely mangled, but the two drivers are completely fine. John notices that the man who hit him is wearing a jersey from a rival sports team.

The man who caused the accident said, "Hey man, sorry about your car... And even though we represent different teams, I think this is a sign that we should put our differences beside us."

John replies, "I think you're right." He goes and checks his trunk and remarkably pulls out an undamaged bottle of Jack Daniels. "Amazing! How about a drink to celebrate our new friendship?"

The driver agrees and takes a few swigs of the whiskey. He passes the bottle back to John who promptly throws the bottle over the bridge and into the river below. "Oi! What did you do that for? Weren't you going to have some for yourself? What about our new friendship?"

John smirks. "Tell that to the cops when they show up."

It's a medical miracle

A man is recovering from surgery after a car crash, and he notices that both his hands are covered in casts. When a nurse comes to check on him, he asks "Will I be able to play piano after this?"

"Yes, the casts should come off in a few weeks, then you should be able to play."

"That's funny, I couldn't play piano before the accident."

A very handsome man gets into a terrible car accident....

The doctors save his life, but he loses one eye. Before a nice glass one can be fitted, he is temporarily given a wooden eye.

The man becomes very depressed because of his eye loss and sits at home, moping around. Eventually his friends come over and drag him out to a bar to try and cheer him up. While at the bar, he's still just sitting there looking depressed, not really talking. One of his friends suggests he tries to talk to a cute girl who seems alone at the bar.

"No, she'll never go for a man with a wooden eye," the man says.

"Okay, how about that girl over there?" His friend responds. "She has a really big nose".

The man walks over to the girl and asks, "Would you like to dance?"

Very excited, and shocked, to be asked to dance by such an attractive man, the woman responses "Would, I?! Would I?!"

To which the man quickly responds "Big nose! Big nose!"

Twins

A pregnant woman was involved in a car accident and fell into a coma. When she awoke days later she realized she was no longer carrying a child, and asked, "Doc, what happened to my baby?!"

The doctor replied, "Calm down ma'am, you gave birth to healthy twins! You're the proud mother of a handsome baby boy and a beautiful baby girl. Also, you should know that while you were in a coma, your brother named the children for you."

"Oh, no!" shrieked the woman. "Not my brother! He's not really all together, if you know what I mean!"

The doctor replied, "Well, ma'am, your brother named your daughter Denise."

"Oh, that's no so bad," smiled the woman. Then, hesitantly, she asked, "What's the boy's name?"

The doctor grinned and said, "Denephew."

The problem with getting married in heaven..

On their way to get married a couple gets into a fatal car accident. They are sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to turn up and register them. While they're waiting, they wonder if they could possibly get married in heaven. St. Peter finally shows up and they ask him.

St. Peter says, "I don't know, this is the first time anyone's ever asked. Let me go and
find out," and he leaves.

The couple sits around for a couple of months and begins to wonder if they really should get married in heaven, what with the eternal aspect of it all, What if it doesn ' t work out, they wonder. Are we stuck together forever?

St. Peter returns after another month looking somewhat worn out. "Yes," he informs the couple, "you can get married in heaven. "

" Great , " says the couple, " but what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in heaven? "
St. Peter, red-faced, slams his clipboard onto the ground.

"What ' s wrong?" exclaims the frightened couple.

"Christ!" St. Peter exclaims. "It took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have any idea how long it's going to take me to find a lawyer? "

An Irish woman is 3 months pregnant...

She gets into a car accident and falls into a coma.

After nearly six months, she wakes up to find that she is no longer pregnant.

Frantically, she asks the doctor about her baby.

The doctor replies, "You had twins! A boy and a girl. The babies are grand. Luckily your brother named them!"

"Oh no, not my brother, he's a feckin eejit!" she says.

She asks the doctor, "Well, what's the girl's name?"

"Denise," the doctor says.

"That's not so bad, what's the boy's name?" she asks the doctor.

"Denephew."

A man goes through a car accident...

A man goes through a car accident.

In the hospital, he is taken to emergency surgery. Unfortunely, the doctors couldn't save his legs.
He awakes a few hours later, in his room, where a doctor stands besides him.

"You've were in a car accident" the doctor told him "we had to take you to surgery in order to save you. I have both good news and bad news."

The man fills his eyes with tears:

"Oh god! Please doctor, tell me the bad news first!"

"Well, I'm sorry, but we couldn't save your legs. You will never walk again."

The man bursts out crying.

"A-and the good news?"

"Well... The man in the next room wants to buy your shoes."

Yesterday I got into an accident with a prius...

Yesterday I was on the highway and rear ended a prius.
We both pulled over and a dwarf gets out of the prius.
He walks up to my car and says "Hey mister, I'm not happy!"
I say "then which one are you?"

A pregnant woman gets into a car accident and goes into a coma.

After nearly six months, she wakes up to find that she is no longer pregnant.

Frantically, she asks the doctor about her baby.

The doctor replies, "Ma'am, you had twins! A boy and a girl. The babies are fine. Your brother came in and named them, if you don't mind me saying he does seem a bit of a redneck!"

The woman thinks to herself, "Oh no, not my brother!" Expecting the worst, she asks the doctor, "Well, what's the girl's name?"

"Denise," the doctor says.

The new mother thinks, "Wow, that's not such a bad name! I like Denise!"

Then she asks the doctor, "What's the boy's name?"

The doctor replies, "Denephew."

A priest offered a Nun a lift...

She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg. The priest nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg...

The nun said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'
The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'

The priest apologized 'Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.' Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way. On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, 'Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.'

Moral of the story:
If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.

The Cask of Amor-illado.

A man and woman are involved in a severe car accident. Although the cars are totaled, they both crawl out of the wreckage, each without a scratch. The man immediately starts swearing. Women are the worst drivers on earth! They shouldn't be given driver's licenses!

The woman sighs and points to the wreckage. Look at our cars. Completely destroyed, yet we are unhurt...it must be a sign from God. He's telling us the sexes should be compatible, and live in peace together.

Swayed by this profound sentiment, the man pauses and replies, "Maybe you're right...it could be a sign from God. Then he shakes his head. You're still at fault in this accident! Women shouldn't be allowed to drive!

The woman smiles evenly and says, But look here--another miracle. Although my car was completely destroyed, this bottle of red wine escaped, uninjured. Surely God wants us to drink this wine together, to celebrate our good fortune.

With a generous nod, she hands the bottle to the man. The man shrugs, accepts the wine and drains half of it immediately--in one long, glorious draught. With a dramatic flourish, he passes the bottle back to his new spiritual companion. The woman puts the cap back on and drops it in her handbag, zipping it tightly.

The man glances at her. Aren't you having any?

No…think I'll just wait for the police...

Two kids are hurrying to school on their bikes to get there for their maths exam.

They get into a car accident on the way and have to be rushed to hospital.

In hospital they're surrounded by friends and family, and their maths teacher keeps trying to get into the room and is repeatedly told off by the doctors.

Later that night the teacher sneaks in. Waking the kids up, he says

"finally, here's the exam papers that you both need to complete."

Suddenly the light comes on and an angry doctor says "I have told you so many times you are not allowed in here, what do you think you are doing?"

The maths teacher points to the exams - "just testing your patients."

My brother was in a car accident yesterday and lost his left arm and left leg.

Well actually, he's not my brother... he's my half-brother. He's all right now.

Lie Clocks

So, a man named Jim dies in a car accident and goes to Heaven. He walks through the Pearly Gates and decides to explore for a bit. He walks in to a very large building, and the walls inside are covered with clocks. He gets confused about what purpose they have, so he tries to talk to God by praying. God then appears in the room, and Jim asked him what all these clocks are for. Then God tells him, "Well, these are called lie clocks. Everybody has one. The hands both start at twelve, and every time you lie, the minute hand on your clock goes up one minute." "Can I see some famous people's clocks?" "Sure." said God. "Follow me." God shows Jim a clock. "Now, this is Buddha's lie clock. As you can see, he never told a lie in his life." God takes him to another one. "This is Abraham Lincoln's clock. He only told three lies in his life." After that, Jim says, "Can I see Bush's clock?" God replies, "Well, that one's in my office. I use it as my ceiling fan!"

It's so cold outside...

I brushed against a car in the parking lot and accidently keyed it with my nipple.

Kids in the back of a car cause accidents

But accidents in the back of a car causes kids

First Aid Saves

"How come you're late?" asks the Manager as I walked through the door.

"It was awful," I explained. "I was walking down West road and there was this terrible accident. I saw a woman lying in the middle of the road. She'd been thrown from her car. Her leg was broken, her skull was fractured, and there was blood everywhere. Thank god you put me that first-aid course;all my training came back to me in a minute."

"What did you do?" asks the Manager.

"I sat down and put my head between my knees to keep myself to stop myself from fainting!

Car accidents and dwarves.

A man was texting and driving and generally not paying attention to the road. As he approached the stoplight, he slammed on his breaks a bit too late and collided into the car in front of him. Flustered, he searched for his insurance and waited for the man in the car in front of him to approach him.

He saw the car door in front of him open and out walked a very short, slightly chubby man with long gray hair and a beard to match. The man approached his window with an angry look and exclaimed, "I'm not *happy!*"

Giving him a second look, the man asked, "Then which one are you?"

What do you get when two different pairs of similar angles get in a car accident?

a wrecked angle


(This took me one 20 minute shower to think out)

My friend was telling me about how his Swedish car was totaled in an accident

I told him to spare me his Saab story.

Donald Trump Tragedy

Donald Trump visited an elementary school to talk to a group of 3rd graders. He said to them, "Today we are going to discuss the difference between a tragedy, a great loss and an accident".

Then he said, "Can anyone give me an example of a tragedy?"

A little boy raises his hand and says, "If a kid runs out in the street after a ball and gets hit by a car."

Donald Trump says, "No, that would be an accident. Can anyone else try?"

A little girl raises her hand and says, "If a busload of kids drove off a cliff."

Donald Trump says, "No, that would be a great loss. Come on, anyone else?"

Little Johnny raises his hand and says and says, "If you were on a plane and it blew up."

Then Donald Trump says, "Well, Yes, but can you tell me why it would be considered a tragedy?"

Little Johnny says, "Well, it wouldn't have been an accident, and it sure as heck wouldn't have been a great loss."

This one I heard when I was in 8th grade. it's pretty darn funny.

Three men die in a car accident and go to heaven.
They walk up to Satin Peter. Peter looks at them and says "Now,Let me explain how things around here in heaven work;
You all will have a car based on how many times you cheated on your wife."
He looks to the first man "How many times did you cheat on your wife?" The first man replies,"None sir,I was faithful til the end." "Okay,You get this car." Saint Peter gives him a brand new golden ferrari.
Peter says to the second man "How many times did you cheat on your wife?" The man replies "About five times."
Saint Peter says "Okay here's your car." He gives the second man a fairly new Lexus.
Finally,Saint Peter asks the third man; "How many times did you cheat on your wife?" He replies "About 10 times."
Saint peter says "okay,Here is your car." The man gets an old beat up car that barely runs.
So after that,The men go driving around heaven. They stop at a gas station to fill up. The second and third man go to the urinals while the first man pumps gas.
The second man comes out and sees the first man crying. he walks up to him and says "What's wrong?" The first man explains "I just saw my wife hitch hiking."

Why do most car accidents happen when men are drunk?

Because their wives are driving.

Watch Out For That Tree

A state trooper pulls over a car on a lonely back road and approaches the driver. "Sir, is there a reason you're weaving all over the road?"

The driver replies, "Oh officer, thank goodness you're here! I almost had an accident. I looked up and there was a tree right in front of me. I swerved to the left and there was another tree in front of me. I swerved to the right and there was another tree in front of me!"

Reaching through the side window to the rearview mirror, the officer says, "Sir, that's your air freshener."

An old favorite for this festive day

A woman wakes up in a hospital bed to find that she's been in a coma after a car accident. She sees a doctor next to her and quickly asks him, Where is my son? He was really good at soccer, and had a long career ahead of him."

The doctor replies, I'm so sorry, in the accident he lost his leg. He won't be able to kick a soccer ball any more.

The woman asks about her daughter. Doctor, where is my daughter? She was really good at tennis and she could have been the best in the world and won at the US Open.

The doctor says, Sorry but in the accident she lost her arm and she won't be able to pick up a racket any more.

She begins to cry.

Doctor, asks the woman, how long have I been in this coma?

The doctor replies, Six months.

So what's the date? asks the woman.

April 1st, says the doctor.

The woman begins to laugh So you were joking then, were you?

Doctor: YES… they both died on impact.

A man was in a horrific car accident and rushed to the hospital. A few days later, he woke up startled and yelled, Doctor, I can't feel my legs!

The doctor replied, I'm sorry, but we had to amputate your arms.

Two Irishmen get in a car accident late at night

The wreck is bad and both cars are totaled but neither driver is injured. After making sure neither is hurt one of the men goes back to his car and pulls out a bottle of whisky and offers it to the other man saying thank god neither of us were hurt, have a shot to celebrate . The other man gratefully takes a big swig and passes it back. The first man caps the bottle and starts to put it away when the other says aren't you going to have one? He says no, I'm gonna wait for the police to get here .

A Priest Offers a Nun a Lift..

She gets in and crosses her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg and nearly causing the priest to have an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.

The nun said, Father, remember Psalm 129?

The priest removed his hand. But,changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again.

The nun once again said, Father, remember Psalm 129?

The priest apologized Sorry sister but the flesh is weak. Arriving at the convent, the nun went on her way. On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.

Moral of the story: If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity

Accident

A young woman's face is badly injured during a car crash. Before surgery the surgeon removes a large part of skin from her husbands buttocks so he can transplant it to her face. The operation is a success and the woman looks almost the same as she did before. Gratefully, the woman thanks her husband: 'You're so sweet you did this for me, when we get home I will make sure you'll have the night of your life'. 'No need' the man says, 'It's thanks enough to know that every time your mother kisses you, she will be kissing my ass!'

A man heard that over 90% of car accidents happen within 15 km of home.

So he moved.

What are the most racist jokes you know?

There were 3 car accidents in Mexico 70 people died.

What do you call a bunch of black people in a swimming pool?
Coco puffs.

A pregnant woman

A pregnant woman from Washington D.C., gets in a car accident and falls into a deep coma. Asleep for nearly six months, she wakes up to find that she is no longer pregnant. Frantically she asks the doctor about her baby.

The doctor replies, "Ma'am, you had twins: a boy and a girl! Your brother from Maryland came in and named them"

The woman thinks to herself, "No, not my brother! He's an idiot!" She asks the doctor, "Well, what's the girl's name?"

"Denise." replied the doctor.

"Wow that's not a bad name. I like it! What's the boy's name?"

"Denephew."

priest gives a nun a lift.

a priest offers a nun a ride, she gets into his car and crosses her legs. her gown lifts enough for her legs to show. he nearly has an accident while looking at her legs. after controlling the car he stealthily slides his hand up her leg and the nun says "father, dont remember psalm 129?". the priest removes his hand and continues to drive, he shifts gears and his hand bumps into her leg again and he begins to slide his hand up her leg again. the nun repeats again "father, don't you remember psalm 129?". the priest apologizes saying "sorry sister, the flesh is weak". arriving at the church the priest gets out and goes into his office, he picks up his bible and looks up psalm 129 not remembering it entirely.

the first line was "go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory".Β 

A conservative gets into a car accident with a bus full of socialists.

"Are you guys alright?" asks the conservative.

"No, we're mostly left."

A serious car accident takes place...

and a 6 year old boy is seriously hurt. He is rushed to the hospital, and is quickly examined by doctors. The doctors decide that the severity of the boys injuries are very high, so they decide that he will have to have his limbs amputated.

Upon waking up from the surgery, the boy looks around and sees the doctor, the doctor says "Hello, little man. How are you feeling?"

The boy says "My. My legs. I can't feel my legs"

The doctor replies, "Yes, that's because we amputated your arms!"

A warning to all.

Be careful about drink driving as we are getting near to Christmas and the police are out checking on people.

Last night I was out for a few drinks and one thing led to another and I had a few to many, not a good idea. Knowing I was over the limit I decided to leave the car at the pub and took a bus home, I passed the police check point, where they were pulling over drivers and performing breath tests, because I was in a bus they just waved it past.

I arrived home safely and no accidents, which was a real surprise because I have never driven a bus before and I'm not even sure where I got it from.

Till death do us part...

... After a car accident involving a couple they both loose their lives. As the wife is waiting in line to get into heaven she sees her now decease hunsand making out with a younger better looking woman. In a fit if rage she turns to him "how can you do this to me Dave we have been married for almost 50 years, I gave you my best years. I should've listen to my mother she was right about you. You are a dog, nothing more than a failure... " he stops her broughtly "listen the deal was till death do us part."

Edit : words are hard.

Three men die in a car accident on Christmas Eve

Three men die in a car accident on Christmas Eve. They all find themselves at the Pearly Gates waiting to enter heaven. On entering they must present something relating to or associated with Christmas. The first man searches his pocket, and finds some mistletoe, so he is allowed in. The second man presents a cracker, so he is also allowed in. The third man pulls out a pair of stockings. Confused at this last gesture, St Peter asks, 'How do these represent Christmas?' Answer: 'They're Carol's.'

Did you know princess diana was on the radio during her car accident?

She was also on the dash, windshield and the hood

Got into an accident today...

...with a little person. He got out of his car and said
"I am NOT happy!."

" well which one are you?"

A Jesuit and a Franciscan were involved in a car accident...

A Jesuit and a Franciscan were involved in a car accident. Hurriedly they got out to make sure the other person was OK, each insisting that it was probably his own fault.

Then the Jesuit, very concerned for his fellow religious, said, "You look very badly shaken up. You could probably use a stiff drink." At that he produced a flask, and the Franciscan, who was indeed a bit shaken up, took it gratefully.

"One more and I'm sure you'll be feeling fine," the Jesuit said, and the Franciscan took another. Then the Jesuit took the flask and put it safely away.

"You look a bit shaken up yourself," the Franciscan said. "Are you sure you don't want to take a bit?"

The Jesuit replied, "Oh, I certainly will; but I think I'll wait until after the police arrive."

I was involved in a car accident today

Got away with a broken arm, no idea who it belonged to but now it's mine.

I was in a car accident.

I got rear ended the other day, and the driver, who was less than 4 feet tall, started yelling and hollering.

He screamed, "I am NOT HAPPY!", so I yelled back, "WELL WHICH ARE YOU THEN?!"

What's the difference between a Japanese Restaurant and a Japanese car accident?

One has lots of crustaceans, the other has lots of crushed Asians.

A guy gets a phone call from the hospital

A guy gets a phone call from the hospital. The doctor says

"I've got some good news and some bad news. The bad news is that your wife was in a terrible car accident and is completely paralyzed. You'll need to take care of her 24/7. Feeding her, helping her use the bathroom, bathing her. You'll probably need to hire help to take care of her. Of course, that may cost too much money, so you'll have to quit your job so you can do it yourself."

Guy says "Oh my god! That's terrible. What's the good news"

Doctor says "I was just joking. She's dead!"

A man has a car accident...

A man is talking with a policeman after he had a collision with a tree.

'Could you please tell me what exactly happened, sir?' asks the policeman.

'You see,' says the man, 'there was this squirrel that suddenly popped out of nowhere to cross the street.'

'But if it is truly necessary, can't you just run over the squirrel?'

'I know, but then the squirrel hid behind a tree.'

What are the funniest car accident jokes of all time?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking about Car Accident? Well, here are the best Car Accident puns to laugh out loud. Crazy and funny Car Accident pick up lines to share with friends.

Joko Jokes