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Captured Jokes

112 captured jokes and hilarious captured puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about captured that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

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Popular Captured Short Jokes

Short captured jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The captured humour may include short captivity jokes also.

  1. I'm really looking to re-capture my lost youth... ...my basement door doesn't lock properly
  2. Russian POW calls home: 'Mum, I've been captured'. Mum: 'Where are you?'
    POW: 'Ukraine.'
    Mum: 'Can you get us a Big Mac?'
  3. Great news that anti-virus mogul turned fugitive John McAfee has finally been captured.

    They estimate the trial could last 30 days.
  4. Trump said he's not going to pardon the Capitol rioters. He only likes people who weren't captured.
  5. Two cannibals had captured and killed a clown. They decided to make a laughing stock out of him.
  6. Did you hear about the three Mexicans who robbed a bank? One of them was captured but the other two vanished without a tres.
  7. Breaking News: Japanese researchers have developed a camera with a shutter speed so fast... It can actually capture an image of a woman with her mouth shut.
  8. During the Second World War, an Italian soldier is captured. But during the interrogation the stern son of Rome did not utter a word... because his hands were tied.
  9. My armless uncle was a bank robber for 40 years and th e police couldn't ever capture him... Apparently, they couldn't arrest him for armed robbery.
  10. How do you capture a polar bear? 1. Dig a hole in the ice.
    2. Place a bunch of peas around the hole
    3. When the bear comes up to take a pea, you kick him in the ice hole.

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Captured One Liners

Which captured one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with captured? I can suggest the ones about trapped and grabbed.

  1. How many Russians does it take to capture Kyiv? Its ok. Putin doesn't know either.
  2. What should ukrainian soldiers paint on captured Russian tanks? Ctrl-
  3. I capture lions for a living... I guess you could say I take pride in my work.
  4. I was captured and tortured by an mime He did unspeakable things to me
  5. Vegan ribs are delicious… The hard part is capturing the vegan.
  6. How are condoms like cameras? They capture your special moments.
  7. I'll never forget my son's 856th words. "Dad, you capture irrelevant information."
  8. I didn't exactly ace my "capture the wasp" exam. I got a bee.
  9. What will happen if you're captured by quantum pirates? You'll have to walk the Planck!
  10. What does Kodak film have in common with condoms? Both capture the moment.
  11. What do you use to capture a Parallelogram? A Trapezoid.
  12. Al-Qaeda captured a new place to house their men... It was a hostel takeover
  13. How do you capture a Nicholas? In a Nicholas Cage.
  14. Why doesn't Billy Mitchell need a capture card? He uses emulators.
  15. I can't wait till next years veterans day: for the ones that didn't get captured....

Captured Tortured Jokes

Here is a list of funny captured tortured jokes and even better captured tortured puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • During the Vietnam War, Chuck Norris allowed himself to be captured.
    For t**..., they made him eat his own entrails.
    He asked for seconds.
Captured joke

Captured joke

Make fun with this list of one liners, jokes and riddles. Each joke is crafted with thought and creativity, delivering punchlines that are unexpected and witty. The humor about captured can easily lighten the mood and bring smiles to people's faces. This compilation of captured puns is not just entertaining but also a testament to the art of joke-telling. The jokes in this list are designed to display different humor styles, ensuring that every reader at any age finds something entertaining. Constantly updated, they offer a source of fun that ensures one is always smiling !

Quirky and Hilarious Captured Jokes to Let the Chuckles Begin.

What funny jokes about captured you can tell and make people laugh? One example I can give are clean apprehended jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help make captured prank.

Q: How do you capture a polar bear? A: You dig a hole in the snow and set peas around it. When the bear comes to take a pea you kick it in the ice hole

Two cannibals...

capture a fresh man. They begin eating him. One cannibal starts at the head and the other starts at the feet.
Ten minutes later the one at the head asks the other,"how are you doing?"
The other says, "oh I'm having a ball!"
And the other says "well you eat too fast."

h**... gave his orders

...and his army set off. They spent all day attacking and capturing the Jews. After 4 camps were filled, they returned to h**...'s base. He closed the door and completely went off on his officers. "d**...!" he roared. "I said I wanted concentrated juice, not concentrated Jews!"

African Roulette

Four men are captured by a tribe in the middle of Africa.
The tribe leader gives them the choice of either death, or they can try their luck at "African Roulette."
The men, as one of the choices seemingly had a chance to stay alive, hastily all chose the second option.
The tribe leader lined up 6 extremely gorgeous women in front of the men, and said "You must choose one of these beautiful women to preform o**... s**... on you."
The men saw nothing wrong with this and were ecstatic at their luck, yet confused about the "roulette" part.
As they chose their women and were getting ready, the tribe leader spoke up and said, "One of them is a cannibal."

Did you hear about the Egyptian m**... who evaded capture by jumping into a river?

Police said he was in denial.

A Russian World War II veteran

Is telling his grandchildren:
"So the Germans surrounded us, captured us, and told us, "You choose: either we b**...-f**... you, or we shoot you..."
"And what happened, grandpa?"
"The cursed n**... shot me to death."

Larry at the police station

Larry's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures tacked to a bulletin board of the 10 most wanted criminals. One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person. 'Yes,' said the policeman. 'The detectives want very badly to capture him. Larry asked,"Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture ? "

Three men shipwreck on an island known for cannibals.

As they wander the jungle they are captured by these cannibals and put in a cage. The biggest and ugliest cannibal approaches the cage and says
"Now we're fun loving cannibals and we like to play games. We'll give you a chance to escape for our amusement, with one item of your choice. If you get to the beach, then you'll be taken back to society. If you fail we shall kill you, skin you, eat you, and turn you into a canoe. Good luck."
The first man wants to go the traditional route and chooses a gun. As he runs to the beach, he runs out of ammo and the cannibals catch him, skin him, eat him, and turn him into a canoe.
The second man asks for a horse. They begrudgingly give him their only horse, and he rides towards the beach, but the cannibals spear him off the horse and skin him, eat him, and turn him into a canoe.
The third man asks for a fork. The cannibals give him a funny look and fetch him a fork. The man begins to stab himself all over. The cannibals ask him why he's making their job easier and he yells
"Try and make a canoe out of me now!"

Oogaly Boogaly

A white man, Chinese man and a black man were in Africa doing research when they were captured by a tribe. First, they were tied to stakes. The chief then walked up to the white man and asked, death or oogaly boogaly. The white man thought, I don't want to die, I'll take oogaly boogaly. So the chief loosened his ropes, took him to the edge of the forest, within sight of the other two and all of the tribesmen r**... him. The chief then asked the Chinese man, death or oogaly boogaly? the Chinese man thought, remembered the screems of the white man, but didn't want to die. So he said, 'oogaly boogaly'. So the chief loosened his ropes, took him to the edge of the forest and all of the tribesmen r**... him. Then the chief walked up to the black man and asked 'death, or oogaly boogaly?' The black man said, naw man, just give me death.' The chief said 'OK, death, by oogaly boogaly!

3 spies, a french one, a british one, and an italian one, are captured by al-qaeda...

the terrorists tie each of them up and put the brit and the italian in a locked room. they take the frenchman to a room for 6 hours, torturing information out of him. when they finish with him, they take the brit to the room, who lasts 12 hours. they finally take the italian into the room, but as much as they t**... him, they cant get any information out of him.
the brit and the frenchman ask him how it goes and he says "i couldnt say anything." they ask him why and he says "my hands were tied!"

Scientists Have Captured the Sound One Atom Makes and what did the atom say?

"Does it really matter we make up everything."

The Italian spy

A german, French, and Italian spy get captured. The French spy is tied with his hands strapped behind his back, a d is tortured and interrogated. He confesses after one hour. The German spy lasts two hours before confessing. The Italian spy lasts hours before his captors give up on him. The German and French spies ask how he lasted so long without talking and he says "I wanted to talk, but I couldn't move my hands."

Jimmy savile was once captured by the s**...-Doo gang

He would have gotten away with it too if it weren't for meddlin' those kids!

A research group on sea mammals captured a rather odd porpoise on one of its trips.....

Its peculiarity was that it had feet. After they had photographed and measured the poor thing, they prepared to set it free.
"Wait a minute," said one of the researchers, "Wouldn't it be a kindness if our ship's doctor here were to amputate the feet so that it would be like other porpoises?" "Not on your life," exclaimed the doctor,
"That would be defeeting the porpoise."

Police talking on the radio...

* Sergeant, we've arrived at the scene.
* So, what's the situation?
* A woman killed her husband. There were 35 stab wounds, two gunshot wounds, and after decapitating him, she finally burned his body.
* Wow, what was the reason she gave for the crime?
* He stepped where she was cleaning the floor.
* Did you manage to capture the woman?
* No, Sergeant. We are waiting for the floor to dry ...

Three Men are Captured by Female Savages!

They are told their d**... would be removed in a manner appropriate to their jobs.
The first was a lumberjack, so his would be chopped off.
The second was a butcher, so his would be sliced off.
The third man started laughing. The females asked what was so funny, and he replied, "I work for Dyson!".

Two jungle explorers got captured by cannibals...

Now they find themselves in a giant cauldron full of water over an open fire. The water is getting warmer and warmer and both of them realize they're done for. So they're sitting there not sure what to do when one of them lets out a chuckle. "how could you laugh at a time like this?" says the other one, "we're both about to die!".
"I know...but I just peed in their soup."

A military plane crashes on a cannibal island

The soldiers are captured, and the chief asks them "Right, which one of you is the commander?"
"That's me, Commander Joe Miller."
"Well, congratulations, Joe, by tomorrow you'll be Commander-in-Chief!"

Three men are captured by canibals

The canibals say that they will be killed and their skin will be made into a canoe, and that they can choose how they die.
The first one jumps off a rock, the second one cuts his t**....
The third one takes a fork, starts stabing himself and yelling 'NO CANOE FOR YOU!"

Obi-Wan captured a Sith and bring him to Yoda.

Obi-Wan: Should I kill the Sith or let him go?
Yoda: Kill him...
\*Obi-Wan executes the Sith.\*
Yoda: ...you must not.

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead are captured by a witch

The witch tells them, "If you say something about yourself that is true, I will let you go, if not, you will vanish into thin air"
The brunette says, "I think I'm the prettiest"
*p**...!* the brunette disappears.
The redhead says, "I think I'm the smartest"
*p**...!* the redhead disappears.
The blonde says, "I think..." *p**...!*

Recently, a burglar in Paris...

Recently, a burglar in Paris nearly got away with stealing several paintings from the Louvre. However, after planning the crime, getting in and out past heavy security, he was captured only two blocks away, when his getaway vehicle stalled in the middle of the road. When asked how he could mastermind such a daring crime, and then be caught only a couple blocks away, he replied,
I had no Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh.

From the Gallipoli campaign in World War I...

The Australians are interrogating a captured Turkish soldier, when finally poor Mehmet has a question for them.
"Why do you call God such awful names? Why do you curse Him when your soldiers go into battle?"
The Aussies were surprised. "What do you mean?"
"Well, when we Turks leap out of our trenches and charge your lines, we cry 'Allah! Allah!' But when you charge us, you shout b**... BASTAAARRRDD!!!'"

What does a camera have in common with a c**...?

They both capture that special moment.

I was captured by a p**... and forced to become a p**...

It was w**...-ifying

How do you capture an elephant?

You dig up a hole, put ashes in it and surround the hole with peanuts. Then, you kick him in the ash hole.

There was three pilots...

Three WW2 pilots were shot down behind enemy lines and captured. They were sent to a POW camp to be executed. They were lined up and the firing squad said "Ready, aim" and then the first pilot screamd
"Tornado" then the soldiers ran for cover. When thay found no tornado they lined back up.
"Ready aim" Then the second screeched "b**... run" then the soldiers ran for cover. They then lined up again. "Ready aim" Then the third pilot knew what to do and screamed "FIRE".

I just got an all-organic carbon capture plant for my house.

I just call it "a plant" for short.

A plane full of republicans had been captured by al queda

They have posted a video online saying that unless the us government pays them ten million dollars, they will start returning them, one by one

3 spies from England, France and Italy were sent to the USSR.

After a week they were captured and put in jail. The Russians took the English spy, tied and tortured him and after 20 minutes he gave all the info.
Then the Russians took the French spy. They tied and tortured him, and after 20 minutes he too gave all the info.
Then they took the Italian spy and did the same to him, but he didnt give any info. They kept torturing him for 3 hours but with no luck. Eventually they gave up and put him back in the cell.
The 2 other spies asked him How did you do that? They tortured us like crazy! The Italian replied: I wanted to give all my info, but they tied my hands and so I couldn't speak.

They found a cat on mars...

A live cat was found roaming the surface of Mars. Scientists planned to have the Mars Rover capture the animal to study it but unfortunately while attempting to capture the feline, Curiosity killed the cat.

Blonde's

An evil genie captured a blonde and her two friends and banished them to the desert for a week. The genie allowed each person to bring one thing.
The first friend brought a canteen so he wouldn't die of thirst.
The second friend brought an umbrella to keep the sun off.
The blonde brought a car door, because if it got too hot she could just roll down the window!

b**... b**...

Two adventurers were captured by a tribe in the jungle.
The chief asked the first one: "Decide your fate: Death or b**... b**..."
He answered: "I choose b**... b**..." and was r**... by the whole tribe.
So the chief asked the second adventurer: "Death or b**... b**...".
He answered: "I choose death"
The chief: "Well, so it shall be. Death by b**... b**...!"

Two Prussian soldiers are talking to a captured French Soldier.

The Prussians ask, 'What do you fight for?'
'For money,' the Frenchman replies.
'You see, we Prussians fight not for wealth, but for honor!'
The Frenchman replies, 'So it is true that all men fight for what they lack.'

As the photographer snapped pictures, I posed provocatively and gave my most s**... looks to the camera, even grabbing my c**... for effect! I felt wild and sensual and free...

I went over to the computer to see the results, as I was keen to see if they had captured the essence of my being.
"I guess so." growled the officer. "Now let's go stand for the police lineup and then we'll be done here."

Our ancestors would be so jealous of modern dryers' lint traps

They had to get by on whatever they could capture in their belly b**...

In the city, a guy was caught taking out all the red bulbs in traffic lights after months of going unseen

He wasn't sure what led to his capture, since he was pulling out all the stops to not get caught.

When the Thought Police start making arrests...

...will they capture the imagination of the public?

A man stucks in a traffic jam in US

He sees a foreign man is coming towards him. Foreign man comes and says:
– Terrorists captured Trump, we are collecting donations. If $10.000.000 hasn't given in 1 hour, they will burn him with gasoline.
– How much people donate usually?
– Around 5 gallons.

Why couldn't the all lesbian capture the flag team win any games?

The players never left no-man's-land.

Spy intels

A hot Russian spy reported back to her boss: i got the latest classified intels from the general and also captured his son.
Boss replies: excellent! so where's the boy?
'gotta wait another 9 months before you can meet him' says the Russian spy.

A serial killer who was known for taking body parts as trophies

A serial killer who was known for taking body parts as trophies was captured after attacking a uniformed police officer and severing her arm. When asked why he went after the officer despite knowing the danger, he simply replied, "It was a wrist I was willing to take."

After the war, an italian soldier is decorated for not giving informations to the enemy, while he was captured. When asked how did he managed, he said:

I had my hands tied.

Researchers say Bigfoot was finally discovered and captured on a mountain trail recently. Despite it's enormous size, it proved easy to capture due it's very low intelligence. The head researcher was shocked by just how fat and dumb it was. The beast will be held in captivity for a while.

In related news, your mom won't be returning from her hike anytime soon.

If you f**... and sneeze at the same time...

your body will capture a screenshot

A grandfather tells his grandchild one of his stories from WW2

Grandfather : "Our squad was once captured by the enemy, half of us were r**..., the other half got brutally killed."
Grandchild : "Which half were you part of grandpa' ?"
Grandfather : "Pfft, is that even a question ? Obviously the latter !"

Art thief.

Recently a guy in Paris nearly got away with stealing several paintings from the Louvre. However, after planning the crime, breaking in, evading security, getting out and escaping with the goods, he was captured only two blocks away when his Econoline van ran out of gas.
When asked how he could mastermind such a crime and then make such an obvious error, he replied:
"I had no Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh."

A man forgot his glasses before executing a robbery.

Because he couldn't see, he was easily captured and arrested. A month later, his trial began and he pleaded guilty.

Later, his friend walked up to him whom he hadn't seen since before the robbery. His friend said, Why did you do this? The robber replied, I didn't know it was against the law, i'm legally blind!

If you do these things every day for 30 days straight you will be unrecognizable

1. Sleep 8+ hours everyday.
2. Drink four 8oz glasses of water minimum daily.
3. Get outside in the sun everyday.
4. No sugar.
5. Read for 30 mins each day.
6. Workout for 1hr 3 times a week
7. Capture someone, cut their face off then sew it onto your face.
8. Meditate for 10 mins everyday.

If you do these things for 30 days you will be unrecognisable.


1. Sleep 8+ hours everyday.

2. Drink 3L of water minimum daily.

3. Get outside in the sun everyday.

4. No sugar.

5. Read for 30 mins each day.

6. Workout for 1hr 3 times a week

7. Capture someone and cut their face off then sew it onto your face.

8. Meditate for 10 mins everyday.

In china, they invented a machine that can capture thieves

They tested out the machine in china for a week and they caught 2 thieves. The following week the russians decided to test this machine in Moscow, they caught 10 thieves. Seeing the machine's success, the Mexican government wanted to try this in the City of Mexico, they caught 400 thieves. Then the Americans caught interest and decided to test the machine in Detroit... They stole the machine

Here's a joke for English and irish

So 3 people go to the middle East, a German a English and a irish. They get captured and sent to a Prince, the Prince gives them each one wish and 20 whips to the back. The German goes first and asks for a pillow on his back, he gets the pillow and the whips but it doesn't work. Next is the English he asks for two pillows and again it shreds throgh them. Next is the Irish, the prince's wife grants him one more since she likes his people. The Irish man first asks for 100 whips, and for the English guy to be strapped to his back.

Trump is leaving a rally and heading to his limo

When suddenly a would be assassin jumps from the shadows and takes aim. A secret service agent, brand new on the job, shouts Micky Mouse! This startles the assassin and he is captured in the confusion. Later the agents supervisor takes him aside, congratulates him and says but what in the h**... made you shout 'Micky Mouse?!' Visibly embarrassed the Agent replies I got nervous, I meant to shout 'Donald, Duck'

Today in History class we learned that evil s**... traders used to lure and capture Kalahari bushmen by speaking their language to draw them out in the open.

A terrible, early form of click bait.

The chief editor of the New York Times is traveling in the Amazon jungle

He travels deep into the jungle hoping to write a story about a tribe of cannibals.
After a couple of weeks he finally locates the tribe and starts spying on them from behind some trees.
He feels a tap on the shoulder and he quickly gets captured and finds himself t**... and looks down and sees a spit with glowing coals warming up below him.
He screams for mercy and says You don't understand, I'm the chief editor of the New York Times!! .
The head cannibal replied, relax…
Soon you'll be the editor in chief…

Bought a new camera today…

and wanted to test it out. I was looking for a good subject and found a salon where a guy was cutting a woman's hair. I went in and asked him if I could take some pictures. He said she wanted a rainbow look, and it would be great to get some before and after pics to capture the coloring process.
That's when I shot a man, just to watch him dye.

The old, evil, bald king had three sons.

The youngest one shared his traits but the two older sons were not of an evil nature. In order to make sure the youngest one succeeded him, the king captured a fairy and promised it freedom in exchange for a wish.
"I wish for my youngest son to be my heir" said the king.
The son disappeared and the king was no longer bald.

A Chemist, Biologist, and Physicist were captured by n**...

The n**... had taken all three scientists to the woods and lined them up on their knees with their hands on their head. They were about to be executed.
The n**... aim their guns, and the biologist screams "bear". The n**... turn around expecting a bear, but none was there. The biologist had escaped the n**....
So they aim their guns again and the physicist yells "lightning". Again, the n**... turn around to look for lightning but don't see any. The physicist had now escaped.
With just the chemist left, the n**... aim their guns and the chemist yells "fire!".

*Ouch!!* *Zut alors!!*

A thief in Paris planned to steal some paintings from the Louvre. After careful planning, he got past security, stole the paintings and made it safely to his van.
However, he was captured only two blocks away when his van ran out of gas.
When asked how he could mastermind such a crime and then make such an obvious error, he replied, "Monsieur, that is the reason I stole the paintings. I had no Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh."
(...and you thought I didn't have De Gaulle to post this on raydeet.... Well, I figure I have nothing Toulouse. )

Al Qaeda has announced that they've captured Russian mercenaries in Mali. If they aren't paid $10 Million

... they'll release the mercenaries unharmed.

Captured joke, Al Qaeda has announced that they've captured Russian mercenaries in Mali. If they aren't paid $10 Mi

jokes about captured

Jokes are a form of humor that often involves clever wordplay, puns or unexpected twists in a story. These are usually short narratives or anecdotes crafted with the intent of amusing its audience by ending in an unexpected or humorous punchline. Jokes are a universal form of entertainment that people of all ages like adults, teens, kids and toddlers can enjoy. JokoJokes' FAQ section has answers to questions you may have!

The impact of these captured jokes can be both social and psychological. They can help to ease tensions, create bonds between people, and even improve overall mental health. The success of a joke often relies on the delivery, timing, and audience. Jokes can be used in various settings, from social gatherings to professional presentations, and are often employed to lighten the mood or enhance a story.