Captured Jokes

Humoristic puns and funny pick up lines

I was captured and tortured by an mime

He did unspeakable things to me

A man stucks in a traffic jam in US

He sees a foreign man is coming towards him. Foreign man comes and says:

– Terrorists captured Trump, we are collecting donations. If $10.000.000 hasn't given in 1 hour, they will burn him with gasoline.

– How much people donate usually?

– Around 5 gallons.

Two jungle explorers got captured by cannibals...

Now they find themselves in a giant cauldron full of water over an open fire. The water is getting warmer and warmer and both of them realize they're done for. So they're sitting there not sure what to do when one of them lets out a chuckle. "how could you laugh at a time like this?" says the other one, "we're both about to die!".

"I know...but I just peed in their soup."

Three men are captured by canibals

The canibals say that they will be killed and their skin will be made into a canoe, and that they can choose how they die.

The first one jumps off a rock, the second one cuts his throat.
The third one takes a fork, starts stabing himself and yelling 'NO CANOE FOR YOU!"

3 spies from England, France and Italy were sent to the USSR.

After a week they were captured and put in jail. The Russians took the English spy, tied and tortured him and after 20 minutes he gave all the info.

Then the Russians took the French spy. They tied and tortured him, and after 20 minutes he too gave all the info.

Then they took the Italian spy and did the same to him, but he didnt give any info. They kept torturing him for 3 hours but with no luck. Eventually they gave up and put him back in the cell.

The 2 other spies asked him How did you do that? They tortured us like crazy! The Italian replied: I wanted to give all my info, but they tied my hands and so I couldn't speak.

The Italian spy

A german, French, and Italian spy get captured. The French spy is tied with his hands strapped behind his back, a d is tortured and interrogated. He confesses after one hour. The German spy lasts two hours before confessing. The Italian spy lasts hours before his captors give up on him. The German and French spies ask how he lasted so long without talking and he says "I wanted to talk, but I couldn't move my hands."

Three men shipwreck on an island known for cannibals.

As they wander the jungle they are captured by these cannibals and put in a cage. The biggest and ugliest cannibal approaches the cage and says
"Now we're fun loving cannibals and we like to play games. We'll give you a chance to escape for our amusement, with one item of your choice. If you get to the beach, then you'll be taken back to society. If you fail we shall kill you, skin you, eat you, and turn you into a canoe. Good luck."
The first man wants to go the traditional route and chooses a gun. As he runs to the beach, he runs out of ammo and the cannibals catch him, skin him, eat him, and turn him into a canoe.
The second man asks for a horse. They begrudgingly give him their only horse, and he rides towards the beach, but the cannibals spear him off the horse and skin him, eat him, and turn him into a canoe.
The third man asks for a fork. The cannibals give him a funny look and fetch him a fork. The man begins to stab himself all over. The cannibals ask him why he's making their job easier and he yells
"Try and make a canoe out of me now!"

3 spies, a french one, a british one, and an italian one, are captured by al-qaeda...

the terrorists tie each of them up and put the brit and the italian in a locked room. they take the frenchman to a room for 6 hours, torturing information out of him. when they finish with him, they take the brit to the room, who lasts 12 hours. they finally take the italian into the room, but as much as they torture him, they cant get any information out of him.

the brit and the frenchman ask him how it goes and he says "i couldnt say anything." they ask him why and he says "my hands were tied!"

African Roulette

Four men are captured by a tribe in the middle of Africa.

The tribe leader gives them the choice of either death, or they can try their luck at "African Roulette."

The men, as one of the choices seemingly had a chance to stay alive, hastily all chose the second option.

The tribe leader lined up 6 extremely gorgeous women in front of the men, and said "You must choose one of these beautiful women to preform oral sex on you."

The men saw nothing wrong with this and were ecstatic at their luck, yet confused about the "roulette" part.

As they chose their women and were getting ready, the tribe leader spoke up and said, "One of them is a cannibal."

A German, American and a Mexican gey captured by a tribe

An American, Mexican and German get captured by a tribe.

The Tribemaster says to the German: "Choose what we shall put on your back before we start whipping you."

The German has decided: "Pour fresh beer all over me!"

So thats what they did, and whipped the German untill he died.
Next they walk to the Mexican and ask the same question.

"I dont need anything." he says, proudly.
They keep whipping his back, but he endured everything.

And thats when they ask the same question to the American.

"What do you want on your back?"

The American responds "The Mexican."

From Memphis Belle

A British fighter pilot was shot down over German occupied airspace and was captured by the Nazis on the ground. He was beaten up pretty bad in the dogfight and parachute landing, and they had to amputate his leg, so he begged them "Please, if you have to take my leg, can you drop it over my base the next time you send a bombing mission?"

The Nazis figured there was no harm in it and the leg was dropped in the next raid.

A week later, his other leg succumbed to his injuries and had to be amputated, and again, he asked his captors to drop in over the base on the next raid, and again they obliged.

The next week his arm succumbed to injuries and it was amputated. Again, he asked the German guards to have it dropped over his base on the next raid. The German barked at him "Nein!"

The pilot asked, "Why not? You've done it before!"

"We think you are trying to escape!"

Saw this joke performed a few years back. Enjoy.

Three men are wandering the woods, and are captured by bandits. The bandits line them up and are ready to shoot them, when out of nowhere, the first man yells "Tornado!"

Everyone looks around in a panic, and by the time they realize there isn't a tornado, the first man is gone. The bandits get ready to fire again, when the second man yells "Earthquake!"

Everyone drops down and covers their heads, expecting a tree to fall on them. By the time the bandits realize they've been fooled again, the second man is gone.

The bandits aim their guns at the last man, when suddenly, he yells "Fire!!!"


A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead are captured by a witch

The witch tells them, "If you say something about yourself that is true, I will let you go, if not, you will vanish into thin air"

The brunette says, "I think I'm the prettiest"
*Poof!* the brunette disappears.

The redhead says, "I think I'm the smartest"
*Poof!* the redhead disappears.

The blonde says, "I think..." *Poof!*

Coyote Problem

The Sierra Club and the U.S. Forest Service were presenting an alternative to Wyoming ranchers for controlling the coyote population.

It seems that after years of the ranchers using the tried and true methods of shooting and/or trapping the predators, the tree-huggers had a "more humane" solution.

What they proposed was for the animals to be captured alive; the males would then be castrated and let loose again. Therefore the population would be controlled.

All of the ranchers thought about this amazing idea for a couple of minutes.

Finally, an old boy in the back of the conference room stood up, tipped his hat back and said, "Son, I don't think you understand our problem. Those coyotes ain't fuckin' our sheep - they're eatin' 'em!"

a joke from the war

a man is flying a combat mission over Europe. He gets shot down and has to bail out. He breaks both his legs, is captured by Germans, then taken to a POW camp.
The first week they have to amputate his right leg. He asks one of them "After you're done, can you have one of your pilots fly my leg over my base in England and drop it there?", so they do it.
The next week they have to cut off his other leg. And he asks them again "Could you please have someone drop this off over my base in England?", and they do it!
The third week, the have to cut off his arm, so he asks them again. This time, the german says "Nein! Dis ve can't do anymore!" And he asks "Why not?". And the german says "Ve think yoo are trying to escape!"

A plane full of republicans had been captured by al queda

They have posted a video online saying that unless the us government pays them ten million dollars, they will start returning them, one by one

Great news that anti-virus mogul turned fugitive John McAfee has finally been captured.

They estimate the trial could last 30 days.

A Frenchman, an American, and a blond get captured by a group of terrorists

The terrorists explain that they will be generous and allow the prisoners to choose their own method of execution.

The Frenchman is up first. He says "I am French and wish to stick with my heritage! I choose the guillotine!" They set up a guillotine and SLAM goes the blade. His head falls in to the basket and they carry off his body.

The American is up next. He says " I want to stick to my American traditions, I choose the electric chair." They rig up an electric chair and SLAM goes the switch. The chair shorted and caused a blackout in the facility, sparing the American.

"You are lucky, American. You have been spared by our God and may go free." So they let the American walk.

The blonde is up last. "Well," says the blonde, "The electric chair didn't work, so I guess I'll take the guillotine."

The Lone Ranger

Once, in the Wild, Wild West, the lone ranger was captured by an Indian tribe. The Chief of the tribe says, "I have heard of you, Lone Ranger. If you can impress me enough within three days, I will let you go free."

So, the Lone Ranger thinks hard for a few minutes and says, "May I have a minute alone with my horse?"

The Chief obliges him, and not 30 seconds later, the horse gallops out of the tent and runs away. The Chief is puzzled, but the Lone Ranger seems satisfied nonetheless. A few hours pass, but then the Lone Ranger's horse returns with an absolutely beautiful blonde girl, with whom the Lone Ranger spends the night.

The Chief is absolutely amazed, but not enough so to let the Lone Ranger go. So, the Lone Ranger asks to, again, hold council with his horse. And again, the horse gallops away, returning later with a redhead even more beautiful than the previous lady.

The next day, the Chief tells the Lone Ranger, although he is impressed, he is not going to let him go. So, the Lone Ranger asks to be left alone with his horse. After the tribe vacated the room, he whispers into the horse's ear very succinctly,

"Bring. Posse."

Two Prussian soldiers are talking to a captured French Soldier.

The Prussians ask, 'What do you fight for?'

'For money,' the Frenchman replies.

'You see, we Prussians fight not for wealth, but for honor!'

The Frenchman replies, 'So it is true that all men fight for what they lack.'

An Australian, an American and a New Zealander are enjoying some beer in Saudi Arabia..

...even though it is against the law to drink alcohol there. They are captured by the Sheik and are sentenced to death, until his wife runs up to him and whispers something in his ear. She glances to the New Zealander, and whispers some more.

The sheik steps forward and announces:
"Because it is my wife's birthday today, she has asked that I spare your lives, on the following terms. You will each get 20 lashes, but will receive one wish before you do. However, since my wife and I admire New Zealand's beautiful countryside, we will allow the New Zealander two wishes."

The Australian is up first, and asks for a pillow to be tied to his back. However, after the first few lashes, the pillow breaks. Then, the American asks for TWO pillows to be tied to his back. Again, they break after but five lashes. Finally, the New Zealander steps forward.
"First," he says, "I would like to be given 40 lashes, not 20."
The sheik is confused at first, and then asks "And...your second wish?"
"Tie the Aussie to my back."

My wife was captured by a gang of mimes.

They did unspeakable things to her.

Caught by a local tribe.

A Frenchman, an Englishman and a New Yorker were captured by cannibals. The chief comes to them and says, "The bad news is that now we've caught you and we're going to kill you. We will put you in a pot, cook you, eat you and then we're going to use your skins to build a canoe. The good news is that you can choose how to die."

The Frenchman says, "I take ze sword." The chief gives him a sword, the Frenchman says, "Vive la France!" and runs himself through.

The Englishman says, "a pistol for me please." The chief gives him a pistol, the Englishman points it at his head and says, "God save the queen!" and blows his brains out.

The New Yorker says, "Gimme a fork!" The chief is puzzled, but he shrugs and gives him a fork. The New Yorker takes the fork and starts jabbing himself all over--the stomach, the sides, the chest, everywhere. There is blood gushing out all over, it's horrible. The chief is appalled and asks, "My God, what are you doing?"

And the New Yorker responds, "So much for your canoe you stupid cannibal!
(my dad told me this one)

The 3 Spies

There are 3 Spies that get captured. One spy is French, one is German and the other is Italian. Their captors come into the cell and grab the French spy and tie his hands behind a chair in the next room. They torture him for 2 hours before he answers all questions and gives up all of his secrets. The captors throw the French spy back into the cell and grab the German spy. They tie his hands behind the chair as well and torture him for 4 hours before he tells them what they want to know. They throw him back into the cell and grab the Italian spy. They tie his hands behind the chair and begin torturing. 4 hours go by and the spy isn't talking. Then 8 hours, then 16 and after 24 hours they give up and throw him back into the cell. The German and French spy are impressed and ask him how he managed to not talk. The Italian spy responds, " I wanted to!, but I couldn't move my hands!".

Two cannibals had captured and killed a clown.

They decided to make a laughing stock out of him.

2 spies were captured by the goverment

They both sat in the interrogation room.

The first spy whispered to the second spy "Whatever you do.... Dont say a word..."

An officer came into the room and asked "what is your name?"

The second spy just looked down for a few seconds and said "jabbaracko"

The first spy stared at the second spy angrily and whispered "what did i just say?!"

The second spy looked at the other and said "Oh when we played Scrabble you said 'thats not a word' but NOW its a word"

Recently, a burglar in Paris...

Recently, a burglar in Paris nearly got away with stealing several paintings from the Louvre. However, after planning the crime, getting in and out past heavy security, he was captured only two blocks away, when his getaway vehicle stalled in the middle of the road. When asked how he could mastermind such a daring crime, and then be caught only a couple blocks away, he replied,

I had no Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh.

An Italian, a German, and a Brit get captured by the enemy...

Every night a guard would take them one at a time out of their cell and into the interrogation room, tie them up, and torture them to try to get information.

The Brit caved after the first night, the German caved after the second night. The Italian had lasted 7 days and still hadn't said a word. They asked him "hey guy, why don't you just tell them something so this can all be over for you?"

The Italian responded "how do they expect me to talk with my hands tied behind my back?"

There was three pilots...

Three WW2 pilots were shot down behind enemy lines and captured. They were sent to a POW camp to be executed. They were lined up and the firing squad said "Ready, aim" and then the first pilot screamd
"Tornado" then the soldiers ran for cover. When thay found no tornado they lined back up.
"Ready aim" Then the second screeched "Bombing run" then the soldiers ran for cover. They then lined up again. "Ready aim" Then the third pilot knew what to do and screamed "FIRE".

An Englishman, a Frenchman and a Polak

An Englishman, a Frenchman and a Polak were exploring the seven seas when they came across an island inhabited by cannibals. After eating their victims, these cannibals would use their victim's skin to make canoes.

They were captured, and each one was given the option to kill himself, and choose how he would die.

The Englishman was first and requested a pistol. " For the Queen!!" he yelled, and shot himself in the head.

The Frenchmen was next, and requested a Sabre. "Viva La France!!" He exclaimed, before running himself through with the sword.

Its the Polak's turn. He requests a fork. "A Fork?" The chief cannibal asks. "Yes, a fork"

The Polak grabs the fork, begins to stab himself repeatedly in the chest and yells "I HOPE YOUR BOAT SINKS!!!"

In the Old West

In the Old West, a man robbed a bank in El Paso and rode south. The sheriff quickly formed a posse and they captured him in a small cantina near the Mexican border, but he didn't have the money. The sheriff decided to interrogate him, but the robber only spoke Spanish, so they got the bartender to translate.

Sheriff, through translator: "Where's the money?"

Bank robber, through translator: I'll never tell you."

The sheriff puts his revolver to the bank robber's head. Now, tell me where the money is!

Bank robber (in Spanish): I hid it under the bridge south of town!

Translator: He says he's not afraid to die."

A military plane crashes on a cannibal island

The soldiers are captured, and the chief asks them "Right, which one of you is the commander?"

"That's me, Commander Joe Miller."

"Well, congratulations, Joe, by tomorrow you'll be Commander-in-Chief!"

No hurry!

Three traitors were captured in the war and were about to face a firing squad. Before their execution they were asked what they would like to eat for their last meal.

The first prisoner asked for a juicy steak. He was served the steak and then taken away to be shot.

The second prisoner requested roast duck. He was served the duck and then taken away to be shot.

The third prisoner asked for strawberries. Strawberries? asked the guards. But they're out of season! It's okay, said the prisoner. I'll wait….

Did you hear about the three Mexicans who robbed a bank?

One of them was captured but the other two vanished without a tres.

A Frenchman, an Englishman, and an Italian have all been captured by the KGB

The KGB grab the Frenchman and take him away to be tortured. He holds out for a few hours, but eventually he cracks and tells them everything.

Next they grab the Englishman. He too manages to hold out for a few hours, but then he can't take the pain any more and tells them what they want to know.

The KGB finally comes for the Italian. The Englishman and the Frenchman wait for hours, wondering what has become of their friend. Finally, 12 hours later, the KGB dump a badly beaten Italian back in the cell. The Frenchman and Englishman both help him up, and ask him, "Why didn't you tell them, how did you hold out so long?"

The Italian replies, "I tried to tell them, I really did, but they wouldn't untie my hands!"

Three soldiers, one English, one French and one German, are captured by the Taliban in Afghanistan.

Three soldiers, one English, one French and one German, are captured by the Taliban in Afghanistan. Their captors take them to a mine field and tell them that if they can escape to the checkpoint on the other side, they are free to go. To do so they offer them each whatever transport they want to cross it.

The Englishman chooses a Rover, solidly built enough to take a blow from a mine perhaps. He hits a mine and explodes. Dead.

The Frenchman chooses a Renault, small and quick so it may be able to get between the mines, he thinks. He hits a mine and explodes. Dead.

The German asks for a large rubber duck, with a spring stuck on each corner. The Taliban suspect him to be mad, but its good sport so they find him a big rubber duck and kit it out as per his instructions.

He bounces his contraption over the mine field. He hits a mine and explodes. But the explosion carries him forward and he bounces to the next one. He crosses the whole minefield unharmed.

The Taliban at the other side are perplexed by this. "How did you ever manage to devise such a solution to crossing minefields?" they ask.

"Oh it is an old German method," he replies, "We call it the Four-Sprung Duck Technique."

Cowboy is captured

A cowboy is captured by a group of Indians after a gunfight. Because he fought so valiantly, they decide to kill him in three days, and to give him one wish each day before he dies. On the first day, he wishes to speak to his horse. The Indians bring his horse to him, and he whispers in its ear. The horse rides off and returns hours later with a buxom naked blonde on its back. The cowboy takes her into his tent for a couple hours, then she leaves. The Indians are mildly puzzled, but shrug it off. The next day, the same process occurs. The man whispers in his horse's ear, and the horse rides off. Hours later, the horse returns with a naked redhead, who spends a couple hours in the cowboy's tent. The Indians agree that this is not a terrible way to spend your last days. On the morning of his last day, the cowboy asks to see his horse one last time. He walks up to his horse, grabs him by both ears, and stares him in the face.

"Listen to me Buster. I - SAID - POSSE!"

The art of joke writing

A thief in Paris planned to steal some paintings from the Louvre.

After careful planning, he got past security, stole the paintings, and made it safely to his van.

However, he was captured only two blocks away when his van ran out of gas. When asked how he could mastermind such a crime and then make such an obvious error, he replied, 'Monsieur, that is the reason I stole the paintings.'

I had no Monet

To buy Degas

To make the Van Gogh.

I had De Gaulle to post this because I figured I had nothing Toulouse .

Three Men are Captured by Female Savages!

They are told their dicks would be removed in a manner appropriate to their jobs.

The first was a lumberjack, so his would be chopped off.

The second was a butcher, so his would be sliced off.

The third man started laughing. The females asked what was so funny, and he replied, "I work for Dyson!".

Three spies are captured in london

One is German, one is French and the other is italian. First they interrogate the German spy and after 3 hours of torture he talks and is thrown back into the cell with the others. Then the French spy is interrogated, and after about 8 hours of torture they get him to talk and throw him back with the others. Last they interrogate the Italian spy and after 20 hours of torture and failing to make him say a word they give up for the day and throw him back with the others. When he is back in the cell with the other spies asked him, "how did you last that long without saying a word"?
Then the Italian man says,
"I was trying to speak but they had my hands strapped down and I wasn't able to move them".

Uniform colors

A British Officer is captured during the French-English wars. During a lull in the questioning, the French Officer asks:
"You know? I've always wondered why it is, that you English insist upon wearing these ridiculous, red costumes?"
The British Officer, immediately stiffens up and replies:
"Sir! I will have you know that British Officers wear Red uniforms, as to not instill fear in the men, in the event that one is shot, or otherwise wounded."
From that day forwards French Officers were known to have worn brown pants

An Englishman, a Frenchman and an American are captured by cannibals.

The leader of the tribe comes up to them and says, "Even though you are about to killed, your deaths will not be in vain. Every part of your body will be used.

Your flesh will be eaten, for my people are hungry.

Your hair will be woven into clothing, for my people are naked.

Your bones will be ground up and made into medicine, for my people are sick.

Your skin will be stretched over canoe frames, for my people need transportation.

We are a fair people, and we offer you a chance to kill yourself with our ceremonial knife."


The Englishman accepts the knife and yells, "God Save the
Queen", while plunging the knife into his heart.

The Frenchman removes the knife from the fallen body, and
yells, "Vive la France", while plunging the knife into his heart.

The American removes the knife from the fallen body, and yells,
while stabbing himself all over his body, "Here's your lousy canoe!"

Spy intels

A hot Russian spy reported back to her boss: i got the latest classified intels from the general and also captured his son.

Boss replies: excellent! so where's the boy?

'gotta wait another 9 months before you can meet him' says the Russian spy.

White Baby

A [white] missionary is captured by a tribe of natives in the heart of Congo. He is left to wonder around camp, and eventually befriends the chief's daughter. Now, those indians live by herding sheeps across the plains. And so, one day, the missionary and the chief's daughter have sexy time in the middle of the flock, unseen. Trouble is, he gets her pregnant. and, obviously, his baby will be the only white baby in the tribe. So he goes up to the chief, who is a big proud man, and tells him:

- listen, chief, i, uh, got your daughter pregnant two weeks ago in the middle of your flock... And my baby will be the only white baby.. Can I marry her? And please, don't get mad.

The chief pauses, and thinks for a while.

- Okay, I won't get mad about white baby, but you don't say anything about black sheep.

Hitler and his crew were walking down the village looking for people to capture and decided to take a break near the well where 3 remaining people happened to be hiding

Being afraid of getting captured, they came up with the idea to imitate an echo of whatever hitler may shout. And so he began:
- where are these people?
- where are these people, these people, people...
- maybe they went to the forest?
- maybe they went to the forest, to the forest, the forest...
- maybe they are in the well?
- maybe they are in the well, in the well, the well...
- maybe i should throw a grenade down there?
- maybe they went to the forest, to the forest...

From the Gallipoli campaign in World War I...

The Australians are interrogating a captured Turkish soldier, when finally poor Mehmet has a question for them.

"Why do you call God such awful names? Why do you curse Him when your soldiers go into battle?"

The Aussies were surprised. "What do you mean?"

"Well, when we Turks leap out of our trenches and charge your lines, we cry 'Allah! Allah!' But when you charge us, you shout 'Bloody BASTAAARRRDD!!!'"

A military plane has some technical difficulties and is forced to crash-land on an island in the Pacific.

As it turns out, it was inhabited by cannibals. Without much ado, the crew are captured and delivered to the village, to be put in the communal pot.

The chief of the tribe approaches, and asks them "Who might you be, snacks from above?"

"Airman Sam Jones," says one.

"Airman Dan Williams."

"Airman First Class Ted Robins."

"Commander John Simmons."

"Ah, congratulations!" says the cannibal.

"Er, thank you? Why?"

"Well sir, tomorrow you will be Commander-in-Chief!"

An Irishman, American, and an Italian Get Captured By Cannibals, and are granted each a last wish.

American asks for a Beer, get his beer drinks it they kill him, eat him turn his skin into a canoe.
Italian asks for a Pizza, gets his pizza eats it and also gets eaten and turned into a canoe.
Irishman asks for a fork. Bewildered as they never had this request before gladly provided this mans last wish. As he get his fork he starts to stab himself all over screaming at the top of his lungs "You'll not make a boat out of me!"

Bunga Bunga

Two adventurers were captured by a tribe in the jungle.
The chief asked the first one: "Decide your fate: Death or Bunga Bunga"
He answered: "I choose Bunga Bunga" and was raped by the whole tribe.
So the chief asked the second adventurer: "Death or Bunga Bunga".
He answered: "I choose death"
The chief: "Well, so it shall be. Death by Bunga Bunga!"

An old Jewish man is on his deathbed and he calls his wife over to him. "Esther, when we were childhood sweethearts during the war and were captured by the Nazis and put in the concentration camp, you were by my side."

"After the war, when we moved to England, got married and had to work 12 hours a day to pay for a single room, you were by my side."

"Later when my business collapsed and we were again left penniless, you were by my side."

"And now finally, as I prepare to die, you are again by my side."

"I'm beginning to think your a bit of a jinx!"

A man is captured by pirates...

The pirates tell the man that they will throw him over the ship into the ocean but tell him he can have one last meal before he goes

He tells them he wants nothing but root beer, although confused, the pirates grant him his one last request

The man drinks the root beer until he feels fit to burst, and he tells the pirates he's ready to be thrown over

They toss him into the water and to their surprise, he doesn't sink!!

The man then yells to the pirates
"Silly pirates, don't you know. Root beer floats!!"

He then laughs as he floats away to safety

There's this British RAF pilot in WW2, and he's been captured by the Germans....

the Krauts have him tied up and they're interrogating him.

"Tell us about your seekret plans, or vee vill cut off your leg!"

The Pilot, dashing and resolute, refuses, but before they cut off his leg, he asks them to please drop it over England on their next bombing raid, so it can rest in peace. The Germans try again, furious at his determination:

"Tell us about your nation's seekret plans, or vee vill cut off your other leg!"

The Pilot again heroically refuses, but once more requests that they drop the amputated limb over England on a bombing raid. The German interrogators are really angry now, and the Officer is apoplectic:

"You vill tell us all of your country's seekret plans, or vee vill beat you, and cut off your arms, miserable English svine!"

The Pilot, as much a stalwart as ever, refuses. "But please", he adds, "For my honour, take my dismembered arms and drop them over England on your next raid".

"NO!" The German replies, "Vee sink you are trying to escape!"

A serial killer who was known for taking body parts as trophies

A serial killer who was known for taking body parts as trophies was captured after attacking a uniformed police officer and severing her arm. When asked why he went after the officer despite knowing the danger, he simply replied, "It was a wrist I was willing to take."

2 guys..

Are lost and in the woods, when they get captured by indians. The indian chief tells the first man "Either we kill you or we give you bunga bunga." Well the first guy doesnt want to die, so he decides bunga bunga. The chief yells "Yeah!!!Bunga bunga!!", and the whole tribe proceeds to rape the man for two hours, leaving him beaten and near death. The chief then asks the second guy the same question. Well he decides he sure doesn't want bunga bunga, so he tells the chief they can kill him. The chief looks around and yells "Yeah!!! Death by bunga bunga!!!!!"

Two missionaries...

Were in a foreign country, when their captured by a group of cannibal. So the cannibals put the missionaries in a big cauldron filled with water over a fire to boil. The two missionaries are sitting in the cauldron when one of them bursts out laughing. The other one looks at him and says " look, we're about to be eaten, due to the seismic activity I've noticed there's going to be a massive earthquake here in about a day, and with the tidal movements a tidial wave will hit shortly after the earthquake, if we get somehow manage to get out of this our boss will skin us. But we're going to be boiled to death before any of that can happen. So I submit to you this is not the time to laugh." The other missionary smiles and says giggling " I peed in the soup."


Three men are hunting on the African Savanna when they are captured by one of the tribes that live in the area. They are blindfolded, gagged and led into a hut to be held prisoner. After a while the chief of this tribe comes into the hut takes off their blindfolds and gags and begins to speak. He tells the three men that they have a choice between either Snoo-Snoo, or death. The first man gets up and says that whatever it is it can't be worse than death, The chief walks out and shouts to the tribe who begin to dance and cheer. The man is forced outside as every man in the tribe has his way with him, but as promised when they are all finished he is free to go. The second man see's this and also decides it is better than death and also chooses Snoo-Snoo. The third man has a solemn look on his face and when the chief asks him his choice. the man says he couldn't live with himself if that happened, so he chooses death. The Chief of the tribe nods and yells out to the tribe "He choose death... By Snoo-Snoo!"

Art thief.

Recently a guy in Paris nearly got away with stealing several paintings from the Louvre. However, after planning the crime, breaking in, evading security, getting out and escaping with the goods, he was captured only two blocks away when his Econoline van ran out of gas.
When asked how he could mastermind such a crime and then make such an obvious error, he replied:

"I had no Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh."

A Russian World War II veteran

Is telling his grandchildren:

"So the Germans surrounded us, captured us, and told us, "You choose: either we butt-fuck you, or we shoot you..."

"And what happened, grandpa?"

"The cursed Nazis shot me to death."

A classic one

An Englishman, a Frenchman, and a Swede are all captured and need to be killed by a firing squad.

The Englishman is the first to go up, and the countdown is given. 3... 2... but before they can fire, the Englishman yells, Avalanche! and all of the firing squad is distracted and then the Englishman escapes.

The Frenchman is next, and the countdown is given. 3....2... but before they can fire, the Frenchman yells, Tornado! and all of the firing squad is distracted and then the Frenchman escapes.

Finally, it's the Swede's turn. The countdown is given. 3.....
2.... but before they can say 1 the Swede yells Fire!

Haven't posted for a while, so here it goes... A wild rabbit is captured...

and taken to a laboratory. While there he befriends a rabbit who has spent his entire life at the nicotine research facility. One evening the lab assistant forgets to lock the cage, and the wild rabbit suggests an escape. "I'm not sure," says the lab rabbit. "This is the only home I know."
"Come on," insists the wild rabbit. "We'll get laid all night long."
The lab rabbit agrees, and they hop to a field where they each bonk 50 hottie females.
As the sun begins to rise, the lab rabbit says, "I gotta get back to the lab."
"Why?" asks the wild rabbit. "Aren't you enjoying yourself?"
"Yeah, I'm having a great time, but I'm totally dying for a cigarette."

After the war, an italian soldier is decorated for not giving informations to the enemy, while he was captured. When asked how did he managed, he said:

I had my hands tied.

As the photographer snapped pictures, I posed provocatively and gave my most sultry looks to the camera, even grabbing my crotch for effect! I felt wild and sensual and free...

I went over to the computer to see the results, as I was keen to see if they had captured the essence of my being.

"I guess so." growled the officer. "Now let's go stand for the police lineup and then we'll be done here."

3 men get stranded on an island.

These men are captured by local cannibals. Now the cannibals being merciful tell the 3 men that they will provide them with any weapon they want to kill themselves, in which afterwards they will be eaten and their skins with be made into boats. So the first guy says can i have a gun. He is given a gun, he shoots himself and they make a boat out of him. The second guy asks for a knife. He is given what he asks for and he stabs himself to death and they make a boat out of him. The third guy asks for a fork. The cannibals find this strange but agree. The guy proceeds to stab himself with the fork while yelling, hope your boat sinks, hope your boat sinks.

I was captured by a pimp and forced to become a prostitute

It was whore-ifying

Oogaly Boogaly

A white man, Chinese man and a black man were in Africa doing research when they were captured by a tribe. First, they were tied to stakes. The chief then walked up to the white man and asked, death or oogaly boogaly. The white man thought, I don't want to die, I'll take oogaly boogaly. So the chief loosened his ropes, took him to the edge of the forest, within sight of the other two and all of the tribesmen raped him. The chief then asked the Chinese man, death or oogaly boogaly? the Chinese man thought, remembered the screems of the white man, but didn't want to die. So he said, 'oogaly boogaly'. So the chief loosened his ropes, took him to the edge of the forest and all of the tribesmen raped him. Then the chief walked up to the black man and asked 'death, or oogaly boogaly?' The black man said, naw man, just give me death.' The chief said 'OK, death, by oogaly boogaly!

Three men are traveling in the wilderness...

when they are captured by a tribe of hunters. When the three men are brought back to the tribe's village, they're confronted by the Chief's attendant. The attendant tells them that each of the three men has two choices. These two choices are either death or what the tribe refers to as "umbangi". "Umbangi" they come to realize means being bound and essentially raped by the Chief. But afterwards the tribe will release you.

The first man says that he has a family back home and will do anything to see them again. He therefore chooses umbangi.

The second man says that he is too young to die and therefore chooses umbangi.

The third man, unlike the other two, is too proud to choose umbangi and therefore chooses death.

Upon hearing the third man's decision the Chief shouts out "Death by Umbangi!!!"

British pilot shot down over Germany...

...unfortunately he was badly injured when he was captured. They had to amputate his left leg so he asked if the Luftwaffe would drop it over his base in England, they obliged. A week later his right leg was amputated and again it was dropped over his base. Soon after his arm had to be amputated and when he asked for that to be dropped over his base the Germans said nein, zis ve cannot do anymore!

Why asked the pilot?

Because ve zink you're trying to escape.

(Sorry about the German accent, best I could do)


An evil genie captured a blonde and her two friends and banished them to the desert for a week. The genie allowed each person to bring one thing.

The first friend brought a canteen so he wouldn't die of thirst.

The second friend brought an umbrella to keep the sun off.

The blonde brought a car door, because if it got too hot she could just roll down the window!

The 3 brothers

Three brothers named Ernie, Matt, and Steve are on a boat, when suddenly it wrecks. The brothers are the only survivors. They swim to a shore, only to be captured be natives. The natives dislike outsiders, and so they arrange to have them executed. A man with a bow aims at Ernie and asks, "Do you have any last words?" Well, Ernie thinks for a while, and then looks out into the distance and shouts, "HURRICANE!!!" All of the natives run into their huts, and Ernie gets away in a canoe. Next the man aims at Matt. He asks, "Do you have any last words?" Matt thinks for a bit, then looks in horror as he shouts "TORNADO!!!" All of the tribesmen run back into their huts, and Matt gets away in a canoe. When the archer asks Steve for his last words, Steve is very confident. He puts a false sense of worry on his face and shouts "FIRE!!!"

Al-Qaeda captured a new place to house their men...

It was a hostel takeover

A grandfather tells his grandchild one of his stories from WW2

Grandfather : "Our squad was once captured by the enemy, half of us were raped, the other half got brutally killed."

Grandchild : "Which half were you part of grandpa' ?"

Grandfather : "Pfft, is that even a question ? Obviously the latter !"

A Frenchman, a German, and an Italian have been captured by the Russians. They are all brought in to be interrogated.

The Frenchman goes in first. After 30 minutes of brutal torture he finally relents and tells his captors everything.

The German goes next. After 2 hours of torture, he gives in as well.

Finally the Italian is questioned. After 3 days of brutal torture he still has not said anything and is tossed into the holding cell with the other two men.

The German and the Frenchman are both shocked. They ask the Italian how he managed to stay silent. Bruised and bloodied, the Italian replies

"I wanted to talk after five minutes, but they tied my hands down!"

A man forgot his glasses before executing a robbery.

Because he couldn't see, he was easily captured and arrested. A month later, his trial began and he pleaded guilty.

Later, his friend walked up to him whom he hadn't seen since before the robbery. His friend said, Why did you do this? The robber replied, I didn't know it was against the law, i'm legally blind!

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman were captured by cannibals and told that If they could not escape, each of them would be skinned and eaten and their skin turned into a canoe.

Each was allowed one weapon to help him escape. The Englishman chose a gun but he soon ran out of bullets and was captured. He was skinned, eaten and his skin turned into a canoe. The Scotsman chose a knife but he was soon overpowered by The cannibals. He was skinned, eaten and his skin turned into a canoe. The Irishman asked for a fork.
'A fork?' they said. 'You won't get very far with that.' The Irishman grabbed The fork, stabbed himself all over with it and said, 'now try turning my skin into a canoe!'

A fighter pilot was shot down over France during WWII...

A fighter pilot is shot down over France during WWII and is captured by the Germans. He's injured, so they have to amputate his leg.

"Hey, next time you guys are bombing England, can you drop it over my base?"

So they do it. The next week they have to cut off his other leg, and he makes the same request. The *next* week they have to cut off his arm, but this time he's denied.

"Nein! Zis ve cannot do anymore!"

"Why not?"

"Because ve zink you are trying to escape!"


Three African explorers are captured by a tribe of savages, and are brought before the chief.

"You have trespassed on our land," says the chief. "Your choice is death, or hugga-bugga."

The first explorer thinks about it, and chooses hugga-bugga. The savages then bend him over a tree stump, and the chief gives him a good ass-fucking. They let him go, and he stumbles off.

The second explorer is given the same option. "I don't want to die," he thinks, "and that didn't look so bad." So he chooses hugga-bugga. This time they bend him over the tree stump, and after the chief is done, all of his top hunters have a go. They let him go, and he hobbles off.

The third explorer is horrified, and sees that it keeps getting worse, so when he is asked, he chooses death.

"So be it," the chief says, "Death, by hugga-bugga."

Researchers say Bigfoot was finally discovered and captured on a mountain trail recently. Despite it's enormous size, it proved easy to capture due it's very low intelligence. The head researcher was shocked by just how fat and dumb it was. The beast will be held in captivity for a while.

In related news, your mom won't be returning from her hike anytime soon.

Obi-Wan captured a Sith and bring him to Yoda.

Obi-Wan: Should I kill the Sith or let him go?

Yoda: Kill him...

\*Obi-Wan executes the Sith.\*

Yoda: must not.

I can't wait till next years veterans day:

for the ones that didn't get captured....

A research group on sea mammals captured a rather odd porpoise on one of its trips.....

Its peculiarity was that it had feet. After they had photographed and measured the poor thing, they prepared to set it free.
"Wait a minute," said one of the researchers, "Wouldn't it be a kindness if our ship's doctor here were to amputate the feet so that it would be like other porpoises?" "Not on your life," exclaimed the doctor,
"That would be defeeting the porpoise."

Death or Buki?

Three men are marooned on a desert island. They wander the island looking for food and are captured by some hostile natives.

They are brought before the chief who says "You decide. Death or Buki?"

The first man replies "uhh...Buki I think." He is immediately taken by the crowd and sodomized.

The second man horrified says. "Oh God...Buki." He also is taken by the crowd and suffers the same fate.

Finally the third man says. "Death!" the chief raises an eyebrow and says. "Death it is...but first a little Buki!"

I have a collection of captured mosquitoes...

I'm not happy one bit.

Jimmy Savile was once captured by the Scooby-Doo gang

He would have gotten away with it too if it weren't for meddlin' those kids!

Latvia in WW2

Latvian man sent to front in Great Patriotic War. No potato, much shooting. Is captured by Germans. Germans send to POW camp. Get own potato as prisoner! But Soviets liberate camp, take all potato. Man dies in Siberia.

Three politicians were captured by terrorists...

Terrorists: We will infect you with AIDS by injecting you with a syringe with infected blood unless you give in to our demands.

Politician G: No, i will not give in.

Politician N: We do not negotiate with terrorists.

Politician E: Go ahead, do your worst.

The terrorists & politicians were taken aback by E's audacity. The terrorists regroup & thinks this is a bluff.

The politicians huddled quietly within themselves.

Politician G & N to E: What are you doing? AIDS is a very serious matter.

E: I know, but i know i will not be infected.

G & N: How? Why not?

E: Haha, these terrorists don't know i'm wearing a condom right now.

Scientists Have Captured the Sound One Atom Makes and what did the atom say?

"Does it really matter we make up everything."


Three guys are captured by a tribe of natives in a far off land. They are brought before the tribal leader who gives them a choice. He says, "what will you have, death or bunga?".

The first guys thinks, hmmm wonder what bunga is. "I'll take the bunga". The tribal leader says, "good". Then a dozen tribal members line up and give it to him in the rear. The tribal leader turns to the second guy and gives him the choice, death, or bunga. The second guy thinks, hmm, that bunga thing is pretty nasty. But death is permanent, "I'll take the bunga". Tribal leader says, "good", and a hundred tribesmen line up and give him the bunga.

The tribal leader gives the choice to the third captive. He thinks for a while, hmm, first it was a dozen, then it was a hundred. Heck with it, "I'll take death". The tribal leader says, "good, death .... by bunga".

I was captured by an American today.

A man is captured by a tribe in New-Guinea

He is brought before the chief. The Chief, surrounded by the entire tribe, looks down and says to him.

Chief: "You have trespassed on our land, you have two choices, death, or **Bubbaluba**."

Man: "Bubbaluba doesn't sound so bad, what is it?"

A tribesman went up to the man and whispered in his ear. The man's expression quickly turned into one of horror.

"Death! I choose death! Anything but Bubbaluba!"

The Chief sat up and and cried to the crowd.


The Cowboy and his Horse

A cowboy gets captured by indians, and they decide to execute him at sundown. Before they kill him they decide to offer him one last wish.

The cowboy asks to speak to his horse.

The Indians bring the Cowboy his horse. The horse comes close to him, and the cowboy whispers in the horse's ear. The horse then runs off.

A few hours later, the horse returns. Behind him is ten other horses, with ten naked women. The indians are pleasantly surprised. They all have a feast and enjoy the company of the naked women. They have such a good time that the decide to postpone the execution until the next day.

The next day, the indians come back to the cowboy and tell him that since they enjoyed the company of the women so much, they would be willing to offer him another wish. The cowboy, again, asks to speak to his horse.

The horse comes in and the cowyboy whispers in the horses's ear:

"I asked you to bring the POSSE!"

What are the funniest captured jokes of all time?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking about Captured? Well, here are the best Captured puns to laugh out loud. Crazy and funny Captured pick up lines to share with friends.

Joko Jokes