Capture Jokes

Following is our collection of camcorder humor and recapture one-liner funnies working better than reddit jokes. They include Capture puns for adults, dirty kodak jokes or clean fugitive gags for kids.

There is an abundance of coriander jokes out there. You're fortunate to read a set of the 42 funniest jokes on capture. Full with funny wisecracks it is even funnier than any canibals witze you can hear about capture.

The Best jokes about Capture

They found a cat on mars...

A live cat was found roaming the surface of Mars. Scientists planned to have the Mars Rover capture the animal to study it but unfortunately while attempting to capture the feline, Curiosity killed the cat.

What does a camera have in common with a condom?

They both capture that special moment.

I capture lions for a living...

I guess you could say I take pride in my work.

I was captured and tortured by an mime

He did unspeakable things to me

Larry at the police station

Larry's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures tacked to a bulletin board of the 10 most wanted criminals. One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person. 'Yes,' said the policeman. 'The detectives want very badly to capture him. Larry asked,"Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture ? "

In china, they invented a machine that can capture thieves

They tested out the machine in china for a week and they caught 2 thieves. The following week the russians decided to test this machine in Moscow, they caught 10 thieves. Seeing the machine's success, the Mexican government wanted to try this in the City of Mexico, they caught 400 thieves. Then the Americans caught interest and decided to test the machine in Detroit... They stole the machine

A man takes his friend gorilla hunting...

He says :
"All you need is a trained dog, a net and a shotgun. I'll climb the tree where the gorilla is sitting and I will shake the branches as hard as I can ! As soon as the gorilla falls on the ground, the dog will bite and rip off his genitals. When it's done, you will be able to put the net on the gorilla and capture him !"

His friend asks :
" Yeah, that sounds nice, but what do we need a shotgun for then ?"

The hunter replies :
"If I fall from the tree...kill the dog."

3 CIA Agents are Asked to Take on an Important Mission

Three CIA agents are asked to take on an important mission. They need to know that these spies will do whatever they say. So they capture each spies significant other, tie them up and prepare three guns, loaded with blanks.

They bring the first spy in, give him a gun a tell him his wife is in the other room and he has to kill her. The man outright refuses them and says he won't do it. They say "That's fine, we understand but you're not right for this mission." And the spy leaves.

They bring the second spy in, they also tell him he has to kill his wife. The man goes into the room with his wife, holding the gun in his hand, and comes out after five minutes, crying. "I can't bring myself to do it, I tried, I really did, but I just can't do it." He says. They say "That's fine, we understand but you're not right for this mission." And the spy leaves.

The third spy comes in and they tell her that her husband is tied up in the next room and she has to kill him. They hand her the gun and she enters the room. There is a brief silence but then some sound of struggle, after a while the sounds stop and she exits the room.

"What happened in there?" They ask.

"The gun you gave me had blanks so I had to beat him to death with a chair."

If you fart and sneeze at the same time...

your body will capture a screenshot

Two cannibals...

capture a fresh man. They begin eating him. One cannibal starts at the head and the other starts at the feet.
Ten minutes later the one at the head asks the other,"how are you doing?"
The other says, "oh I'm having a ball!"
And the other says "well you eat too fast."

Monkey in a Tree

A man notices a monkey is up in his backyard tree.
He goes online and finds a man who specializes in monkey capture and removal.
When the trapper arrives at the house he shows up with a stick, a set of handcuffs, a Chihuahua, and a shotgun.
He tells the homeowner "I'm going to climb up in the tree and use this stick to hit the monkey until it falls out of the tree. When it lands, the trained Chihuahua will viciously lunge for the monkey's genitals and when it attempts to protect himself I will slap on the handcuffs."
The homeowner, a little bewildered, says "that's crazy enough it just might work, but what's the shotgun for?"
"In case I fall out of the tree must shoot the Chihuahua."

How are condoms like cameras?

They capture your special moments.

I'll never forget my son's 856th words.

"Dad, you capture irrelevant information."

Hitler and his crew were walking down the village looking for people to capture and decided to take a break near the well where 3 remaining people happened to be hiding

Being afraid of getting captured, they came up with the idea to imitate an echo of whatever hitler may shout. And so he began:
- where are these people?
- where are these people, these people, people...
- maybe they went to the forest?
- maybe they went to the forest, to the forest, the forest...
- maybe they are in the well?
- maybe they are in the well, in the well, the well...
- maybe i should throw a grenade down there?
- maybe they went to the forest, to the forest...

Breaking News: Japanese researchers have developed a camera with a shutter speed so fast...

It can actually capture an image of a woman with her mouth shut.

My armless uncle was a bank robber for 40 years and th e police couldn't ever capture him...

Apparently, they couldn't arrest him for armed robbery.

Did you hear about the Egyptian murderer who evaded capture by jumping into a river?

Police said he was in denial.

How do you capture a polar bear?

1. Dig a hole in the ice.

2. Place a bunch of peas around the hole

3. When the bear comes up to take a pea, you kick him in the ice hole.

Some football fans are stranded in the woods

There are 3 of them.
One liverpool fan, one hartlepool fan and an arsenal fan.
They decide that they are going to need some food if they are to survive.
They set a trap and manage to capture a bear.
"We can't eat bear meat!" the arsenal fan shouts, "we're going to die if we don't" the liverpool fan replies, the hartlepool fan agrees with the liverpool fan.
They then decide how they are going to split the bear.
"I'll have the liver since I'm from liverpool" says the liverpool fan,
"I'll have the heart since I'm from hartlepool" says the hartlepool fan, and the arsenal fans shrieks "I'm not hungry".

What does Kodak film have in common with condoms?

Both capture the moment.

I was captured by a pimp and forced to become a prostitute

It was whore-ifying

A blonde, a redhead, and a brunette...

A blonde, a redhead, and a brunette are stranded on an island. The natives there capture them and tell them that they're going to use their bodies to make boats to get out of there. Before killing them though, they'll grant them each one wish.

The redhead wishes to be spared and allowed to go home, so keep their word and allow her to do so.

The brunette wishes for the exact same thing, and again, they keep their promise.

The blonde wishes for a fork. She takes the fork and stabs herself all over with it and says, "HA! Now your boat will sink!"

If you do these things for 30 days you will be unrecognisable.

1. Sleep 8+ hours everyday.

2. Drink 3L of water minimum daily.

3. Get outside in the sun everyday.

4. No sugar.

5. Read for 30 mins each day.

6. Workout for 1hr 3 times a week

7. Capture someone and cut their face off then sew it onto your face.

8. Meditate for 10 mins everyday.

In the city, a guy was caught taking out all the red bulbs in traffic lights after months of going unseen

He wasn't sure what led to his capture, since he was pulling out all the stops to not get caught.

Humans vs Robots

A company working on artificial inteleigence created three robots. To test them, the company announced a competition of various tasks between the 3 robots and 3 humans. Lo and behold, the robots won in every category so far, but there still was one; hunting.

In this task, the competitors had to capture a rabbit which would be released into the woods. It was a best 2 out of 3, so whichever team caught it the fastest twice was the winner.

The rabbits were set free, and the robots found it in minutes. A hour later the humans also arrived with the rabbit.

Then the rabbits were released again, the humans ran off to find it, but the robots just stood there, because robots can't recaptcha.

What do you use to capture a Parallelogram?

A Trapezoid.

When the Thought Police start making arrests...

...will they capture the imagination of the public?

How do you capture a Nicholas?

In a Nicholas Cage.

Our ancestors would be so jealous of modern dryers' lint traps

They had to get by on whatever they could capture in their belly buttons

I just got an all-organic carbon capture plant for my house.

I just call it "a plant" for short.

Why couldn't the all lesbian capture the flag team win any games?

The players never left no-man's-land.

Researchers say Bigfoot was finally discovered and captured on a mountain trail recently. Despite it's enormous size, it proved easy to capture due it's very low intelligence. The head researcher was shocked by just how fat and dumb it was. The beast will be held in captivity for a while.

In related news, your mom won't be returning from her hike anytime soon.

How do you capture an elephant?

You dig up a hole, put ashes in it and surround the hole with peanuts. Then, you kick him in the ash hole.

The policemen were talking over the radio:

- Mr. Sargeant, we arrived at the crime location

*- What's the situation over there?* - asked the sargeant over the radio

- A woman just killed its husband. He was stabbed 35 times, shot twice, asphixiated, decapitated and then burned.

*- And what was the reason for such an atrocious crime? *- Asked the sargeant

- He stepped right on the wet floor which she had just cleaned.

*- And did you capture the woman?*

- No sire, we are still waiting for the floor to dry!

Why doesn't Billy Mitchell need a capture card?

He uses emulators.

The Mars mission should include an artist to capture the alien planet

The art would be out of this world.

How do you capture a polar bear?

Cut a big fishing hole in the ice. Wait for the polar bear to bend over the hole to fish. Then run up behind the polar bear and **kick it in the icehole!**

How did the latest cyber criminals evade capture?

They ransomware.

I found an alternative to PokΓ©mon GO.

It's this new game called Grindr. I haven't tried it yet, but I hear its this thing where you go around, trying to capture bears.

I was captured by an American today.

If you like her, treat her like a queen.

Capture her quickly and confine her to an 8 by 8 space.

How do you capture a skeleton?

Use a rib-cage.

Drrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrum-roll, please?

Use only working piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Note that dirty and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. You can seriously offend people by saying creepy dark humor words to them.

Joko Jokes