Captivate Jokes
63 captivate jokes and hilarious captivate puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about captivate that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest Captivate Short Jokes
Short captivate jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The captivate humour may include short jokes also.
- I went to the zoo and saw a baguette in the cage Zookeeper said it was bread in captivity
- I went to the zoo yesterday and saw a baguette in a cage. The zookeeper said it was bread in captivity.
- A new study of dolphins was recently performed... The study showed that within a few weeks in captivity, they were able to teach humans to stand at the edge of their pool and throw fish at them.
- I'm in prison and decided to start my career here as a standup comic It helps to have a captive audience
- What did the comedian turned kidnapper say to his hostages? It's nice to have a captive audience.
- Recent studies show that chimps raised in captivity are more likely to reproduce if they are shown videos of other chimps mating in the wild. monkey see monkey do monkey, monkey do monkey
- Pandas have finally started breeding together in captivity According to staffers, the place just suddenly erupted into panda-moan-ium
- Got my second shot today Even after bleeding in captivity for hours, articulately begging the enemy soldiers to spare me.
- I'm currently reading this really captivating book called "How To Improve Your Sense of Direction". It's so good that I can't put it up.
- Why do Pandas have such a hard time mating in captivity? Because all of their broads are in Atlanta
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Captivate One Liners
Which captivate one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with captivate? I can suggest the ones about and .
- My family was being held captive by a salad It wouldn't lettuce leaf
- Why is it easy to tell jokes in a prison? You have a captive audience.
- What do you call toast in a cage? Bread in captivity.
- How was your trip to Stockholm? Captivating
- Why was the poet teaching at a prison so happy? She had a captive audience
- Hey, did you hear about the prison talent show? They had quite the captive audience.
- Why did Demi Lovato hold Wonder Woman captive? Because she was a heroine addict
- I have a pet baguette that remains in it's cage. It's bread in captivity.
- Lady Gaga Performed at the Prison today. Might I say that the Audience were Captivated.
- Why are beekeepers opposed to keeping gorillas in captivity? They're ape purists
- Why are movies about rally car races so captivating? There's a lot of suspension.
- What do you call 64 white guys trapped in a room? a captive Cherokee
- Copenhagen continues to captivate visitors. They're experiencing the Stockholm syndrome.
- What do you call an interesting t**...? Captivating.
Captivate Funny Jokes And Hilarious Puns.
What funny jokes about captivate you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make captivate pranks.
A French spy, an English spy, and an Italian spy were sent to the USSR.
Unfortunately, they were caught within a few days and held in captivity for a week. Then they were tortured for information.
The French spy was first. They tied him, tortured him, and after 20 minutes he gave them all his information.
The English spy fared the same. After being tied and tortured for 20 minutes, he gave in and gave up all his information.
But when they tried the same with the Italian, he refused to give up anything and stayed tied to the chair for 3 hours until the Russians gave up and threw him back in the cell.
"How did you do that!" The other two were amazed at his endurance. "I wanted to give up all my information," replied the Italian. "But they tied my hands, so I couldn't talk."
Three men are shipwrecked...
... they drift towards an island unconsciously. They awake to be taken captive by a local cannibalistic tribe. The tribe chief tells the first man that the tribe will eat his meat, and he is to chose his own death. The man thinks about it and decides decapitation. So he is decapitated.
The chief then tells the second man that they will use his bones to create drumsticks with which they will play their drums. He is allowed to chose his own form of execution as well. So the man chooses poising.
Then they go to the third man and tell him that they will use his skin to cover the bottom of their boats, and tell him to chose his own form of execution. The man asks for a fork, and they bring him one. He then starts stabbing himself and says, "lets see you float a boat with this."
Scientists are marveling over Snooki's baby
After all, it's the first Ompa Loompa bred in captivity.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Three explorers and a cannibalistic tribe
There were three explorers out on an expedition when they suddenly realized that they were lost. They walked around for hours when finally they saw smoke in the distance. They knew there must be a civilization there so they headed in that direction.
When they got there they were confronted by the warriors of the tribe and were immediately t**... and held captive. Later, the leader of the tribe confronted them and explained that their tribe was a cannibalistic tribe and that they would kill them, skin them, eat them and then use their skin as a canoe but they would be able to choose how they would be killed.
The first explorer says ""I brought a gun with me on my expedition, I wish to be killed with that." So they pulled the gun out of his backpack and shot him.
The second explorer says "I too wish to be killed by the gun as I believe it would be the most painless way." So they shot him as well.
The third explorer says "I have a fork in my backpack and I wish to be killed with that. I would however, like to do it myself."
The tribesman all looked at each other puzzled, but figured he could not possibly harm them with a fork so they agreed.
The explorer then began to repeatedly stab himself in the chest. The tribesman again looked at each other with puzzlement on their faces so the leader of the tribe asked the explorer "What are you doing?" to which the explorer exclaimed "I'M f**...' UP YOUR CANOE!!"
So a Greek, Frenchman and Italian strand on an island
So after a while being stuck they decide to search for food.
Suddenly a tribe comes out of nowhere and took them as captive.
The tribe decided to interrogate them.
So the tribe decides to interrogate the Greek as first, after 1 hour the Greek comes out without feet.
He told everything after they cut his feet off.
Then they decided to interrogate the Frenchman, after 2 hours the Frenchman comes back without an ear.
The Frenchman told the tribe everything after the tribe cut his ear off.
At last the tribe decides to interrogate the Italian, after 20 hours the Italian came back without telling the tribe anything.
Impressed, the Greek asked why the Italian did not tell the tribe anything, the Italian said:
"I wanted to but they cut off my hands"!
Sherlock Holmes and his trusty associate Dr. John Watson are strolling leisurely through London's botanical gardens.
They are investigating the mysterious disappearance of a botanist who specialized in arboreal citrus.
Watson squints, focusing his gaze on something across the gardens. He gasps in surprise and grabs Sherlock's arm. He points at the thing that has captivated his attention and asks "Sherlock, is that a lime tree?"
Sherlock offers a pleasant chuckle and turns to Watson slowly, taking a slow drag from his tar-black pipe. After exhaling the blue-grey smoke into the moist air of the gardens, he says:
It's a lemon tree, my dear Watson.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
The Lone Ranger..
and Tonto were riding when all of a sudden they were surrounded by Indians. That was when Tonto informed the Lone Ranger that he was tired of being his sidekick and sold him out. Once in captivity the Lone Ranger was given one last request from the Indian chief. He requested to speak to his horse, Silver. He whispered into the horses ear and it took off, later returning with a beautiful n**... woman, the Lone Ranger proceed to have s**... with her. The Indian chief was very impressed with the feat he had just witnessed but was still going to kill him. The Lone Ranger asked to speak to his horse one more time and the chief obliged. The horse walked over and the Lone Ranger went to his ear and said " POSSE, YOU IDIOT I SAID POSSE!!"
What can you expect from a captive Korean after they escape from their kidnappers?
Oh Dae-Su
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Two explorers are surrounded by cannibals
The first explorer makes a run for it, but is quickly caught. The second calmly starts doing the old "trapped in a glass box" routine while his comrade watches on, bewildered. Visibly disgusted, the cannibals wave him away.
Just before they lead their captive off to the s**..., he asks the second explorer why they spared him. "A mime is a terrible thing to taste."
A christian came to the door and looked confused when I said I didn't believe the words of genesis
I just never thought Phil Collins was that captivating.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
b**...
Three guys are captured by a tribe of natives in a far off land. They are brought before the tribal leader who gives them a choice. He says, "what will you have, death or b**...?".
The first guys thinks, hmmm wonder what b**... is. "I'll take the b**...". The tribal leader says, "good". Then a dozen tribal members line up and give it to him in the rear. The tribal leader turns to the second guy and gives him the choice, death, or b**.... The second guy thinks, hmm, that b**... thing is pretty n**.... But death is permanent, "I'll take the b**...". Tribal leader says, "good", and a hundred tribesmen line up and give him the b**....
The tribal leader gives the choice to the third captive. He thinks for a while, hmm, first it was a dozen, then it was a hundred. Heck with it, "I'll take death". The tribal leader says, "good, death .... by b**...".
How many pandas does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Technically, just two, but it is really hard to get them to breed in captivity.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Did you guys hear about that dolphin at SeaWorld that committed s**...?
Apparently after he was separated from his family and forced into captivity, he lost all sense of porpoise in his life.
I never knew how smart Dolphins were...
They are so smart that after only a few weeks of captivity they can train humans to stand at the edge of the pool and throw them fish
The new OJ Simpson documentary is so captivating
It really got my juices flowing.
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Thank you.
GATHER ROUND! Lets tell a story one word at a time.
Lets tell a story one word at a time beginning with:
THE
Hopefully this turns into a joke post or the most captivating story ever.
I went to the Zoo the other day
and there was a loaf of Hovis in the Lion enclosure - so I went up to the zookeeper and said "What's that doing in there?"
and he said "That? That's bread in captivity"
Two soldiers are held captive by the Taliban
They are told that they are going to be executed the next day. "We are not without compassion" says one of the captors. "We will allow you each one last wish." The first soldier says he has always been the biggest fan of Bryan Adams, and he would like to hear the song 'Everything I do I do it for you' one last time. After telling him that his wish would be granted, the Taliban captor turns to the second soldier and asks what his wish is. He thinks for a minute and says "shoot me first".
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Don't you love it when you get beautiful texts from someone that cares about you?
So eloquently written, it ties your stomach in knots. Writing so succinct and captivating it gets your heart pounding and racing. Using words that convey such great ideas. I got one like that one today. It read
"Ballistic missile threat inbound to Hawaii. Seek immediate shelter. This is not a drill."
Truly powerful words. They **blew** me away
I was shocked by that story of the parents who kept even their adult children captive in the house.
Personally, I couldn't wait for my kids to leave.
Went to the zoo and one of the enclosures just had a load of burger buns on the floor.
The zookeeper told me it was bread in captivity
My husband's new job fastening metals must be really captivating ..
He says it's riveting.
An american soldier was a russian POW captive
One day his left arm got infected and they needed to amputate.
Can you send my arm back to America?
Yes
The next week his right arm got infected and needed to be amputated.
Can you send it back to america?
Yes
The next week his left leg got infected and needed to be amputated
Can you send it back to america?
Yes
The next week his right leg got infected and needed to be, you guessed it, amputated.
Can you send it to America?
Nien we can not do that. We worry you are trying to escape.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I was held captive by some French-Canadian terrorists...
They forced me to eat hundreds of meat pies.
It was tourtière.
Brown Pants
During the French and Indian Wars in North America, the French captured a British Officer during an engagement. Later that evening the French officers gathered and dined with the new captive.
After dinner the French commander asked their prisoner Sir, we have been wondering why British officers wear a red coat, as it makes you an obvious target for our sharpshooters . The British officer replied We wear it so that if we are wounded, the sight of our blood does not panic our men .
Ever since that day, French Officers have worn brown pants.