The Best 22 Captains Jokes

Following is our collection of funny Captains jokes. There are some captains sail jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud.

Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these captains ship captain puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.

Top 10 of the Funniest Captains Jokes and Puns

The captain and the prostitute

A captain of the army goes to a prostitute and asks her :
"Say, madam, for a hundred dollars, would you accept my company ?"
And the prostitute answers : "Of course, a handsome military like you"
The captains thanks her, turns around and shout :
"Company, FORWARD !"

(I hope the joke translates well)

When I was in the army, I lost my rifle and had to pay $865 for a new one

Now I'm starting to understand why navy captains always go down with their ship

Two tugboat captains have been friends for years.

They would always cry, "Aye!" and blow their whistles whenever they passed each other.

A new crewman asked his boat's mate, "What do they do that for?"

The mate looked surprised and replied, "You mean that you've never heard of ... an aye for an aye?"

Captains joke, Two tugboat captains have been friends for years.

Flight attendant landed this one on us yesterday

We just landed on the runway and the flight attendant annouces a message over the speaker.

"Hey folks...um yea sorry about that rough landing...

...wasn't the captains fault,

...definitely wasn't my fault,

...it was the asphalt."

The result: a perfect mix of laughs and groans.

What did they find floating in the toilet of the S.S Enterprise?

Captains Log


Why don't Korean captains wear hats?

Because they don't know what to do with cap sizes.

My niece is a sophomore at West Point. She's already had five majors,

and three Captains and two Lieutenants.

Captains joke, My niece is a sophomore at West Point. She's already had five majors,

Way down upon the Mississippi, two tugboat captains who had been friends for years, would always cry "Aye!" and blow their whistles whenever they passed each other

A new crewman asked his boat's mate, "What do they do that for?"

The mate looked surprised and replied, "You mean that you've never heard of an aye for an aye and a toot for a toot?"

A magician working on a ship was losing people's interest with the captains parrot telling everyone how he was performing his tricks.

After a few weeks into the course, the ship breaks down and sinks in the ocean. The magician makes it out alive and holds onto a scrap of wood not to drown. Unfortunately the parrot was also using the same scrap to survive.
A few days go past and the parrot finally looks to the magician and says, "You know what? I give up! How did you make the ship disappear?"

Star Trek Discovery is going to have a female lead which will ruin the series.

The male captains wandered around aimlessly getting into trouble.

She will just ask for directions and head straight to the destination.

Patrick Stewart is talking about a new Stsr Trek show he will be in. There will be a disease or attack that wipes out all officers of a certain age, leaving Starfleet without any captains. So they bring in retired admirals to captain the ships.

It will be called "Geria-

You can explore captains ship reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean captains picard dad jokes. There are also captains puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.


Can anyone help me. I don't know where to park my boat and all the other captains are making fun of me.

im under alot of pier pressure!

Autopilot really won't replace good, high paying jobs for airline captains...

I talked to one who said his career was just taking off.

A magician and the parrot

There was a magician on a cruise ship. He started off having a good gig, until the captains parrot started spoiling the tricks after watching them over and over. One day the ship sinks. And the only two survivors are the magician and the parrot. After sitting in the row boat for a couple of days. The parrot asks "Alright. What did you do with the ship?"

What does Picard do just before he goes down with his ship?

Captains final log

Did you know why U boat captains brought dogs on boards ?

They thought subwoofers would improve their radar.

Captains joke, Did you know why U boat captains brought dogs on boards ?

What does Patrick Stewart use to keep the fire going?

Captains log

My friend thought Piracy was Captains with eyepatches, Boats robbing other boats for treasure, stuff like that...

I said No, it's a Pirate see?

Losing a rifle in the army can get you a fine over over £500

I am starting to finally understand why navy captains go down with the ship


When a soldier lose a weapon, he must pay for it

Now I understand why captains sink with their ships

Why do ship captains hate French cheese?

Because they have to avoid the Brie.

How many Star Trek captains does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

One, but there are FOUR LIGHTS!

Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the captains school captain jokes and puns are jokes supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, are mean or racist, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become bullying and inappropriate.

We suggest to use only working captains captain planet piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.

Joko Jokes