Captain Jokes
177 captain jokes and hilarious captain puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about captain that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
You don't have to be a superhero to enjoy these jokes about captains! Read on for a selection of fun and original jokes about Captain America, Captain Hook, Captain Kirk, Captain Underpants, Captain Obvious, Captain America Meme, Captain Morgan, Captain Marvel, and even the common 'Capt'. See if you can come up with your own jokes about captains and lieutenants!
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Funniest Captain Short Jokes
Short captain jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The captain humour may include short first mate jokes also.
- In the army, you have to pay $85 if you lose your rifle. That's why in the Navy, the captain goes down with the ship.
- Captain Kirk actually has 3 ears. The first is the left ear, the second is the right ear, and then there's the final frontier.
- My 8 year old told me a really clever joke for once. What do you get when you cross Captain America and the Hulk?
A Star-Spangled Banner. - Camouflage training at the military Captain: I DIDN'T SEE YOU AT THE CAMOUFLAGE training TODAY JOHNSON!!
Johnson: Thank you sir! - What do you get when you dress the Hulk in Captain America's clothes? A Star-Spangled Banner.
- TIL that in 1940 a German U-Boat captain found himself aboard a British vessel. Whoops, wrong sub.
- Levar Burton cannot replace Mayim Bialik as the host of the show... Because Captain Picard would never willingly put a member of his crew in Jeopardy.
- Just watched Captain America: Civil War for the first time Couldn't get enough, so I looked out of the window to watch America: Civil War.
- It's not the size of the ship, nor the motion of the ocean... It's whether or not the captain stays in port long enough for all the passengers to get off.
- "This is your Captain speaking..." "...if you look out of your window you will see a small yellow life raft floating in the sea. I am talking to you from there."
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Captain One Liners
Which captain one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with captain? I can suggest the ones about commander and pilot.
- This is your captain speaking AND THIS IS YOUR CAPTAIN SHOUTING .
- Name one superhero that can beat Captain America... Captain vietnam
- Darth Vader: Luke, I know what you're getting for Christmas. Luke: How?
Darth Vader: I felt your presents. - What did they find in the toilet in the star ship Enterprise? The captain's log.
- Pirate: The cannons be ready, captain. Captain: Are.
- Where did Captain Hook get his hook ? The second-hand store.
- What is Captain Hook's favorite kind of humor? Dead Pan.
- Why did Captain Kirk's girlfriend break up with him? Because he Shatner face.
- What is Captain Kirk's least favorite type of nut? Pe-KAAAAAHHHHHNNNNNN!!!!
- Just bought a book "Jokes about Captain Obvious". It's full of Captain Obvious jokes.
- What does Captain Kirk do on the toilet ? He makes a Captain's log
- People call me the most disoriented U-boat captain of the 20th century... Oops wrong sub.
- My great grandfather sunk 5 U-boats in ww2 Easily the worst captain the kriegsmarine had
- Who would be worse than Captain obvious? Doctor Obvious
- Captain's log... ...has clogged the toilet again. He really needs a change of diet.
Captain America Jokes
Here is a list of funny captain america jokes and even better captain america puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- In the next Marvel movie I hear that Ironman, Captain America and the others will team up to battle Comcast . It is called Avengers Xfinity Wars!
- Mjölnir could be picked up by Thor, Vision, and Captain America Does that make it poly-hammer-us?
- captain mexico Always trying to take captain america's job.
- Captain America's shield was made of Adamantium. What was Hawkeye's shield made of? Quicksilver.
- After Captain America died, The Incredible Hulk inherited the mantle. He renamed himself 'The Star-Spangled Banner'.
- How much money does it cost to make Captain America cry? One buck
- What does Captain America and Spain have in common? A horrific Civil War
- Did you hear Ant Man will be in Captain America 3? I hear it will be a small role
- Which setting does Captain America search for in his Android Settings? Language!
- Which Marvel character can beat Captain America? Captain Vietnam.
Captain Kirk Jokes
Here is a list of funny captain kirk jokes and even better captain kirk puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Why did Captain Kirk take such a long time in the washroom? Because he was fighting the Klingons.
- What did captain kirk's music teach put on his report card? He's having trouble with the trebles
- Why does Captain Kirk's wife smell? Because, William Shatner.
- Why Did Spock Use Kirk's Bathroom? ...Because he wanted to see the Captain's log
- What did Captain Kirk find at the end of the rainbow? a LepreKHAAAAAAN!
- What is Captain Kirk's least favorite movie genre? Romulan-coms
- What do Captain Kirk and Mister Spock do to get their baggage up to their hotel room? Tell a porter.
- I like my lawn like Captain Kirk likes his women. Thick, lush, soft, and green.
- What is Captain Kirks most hated pie? Pe-KHAAAAAAANNN!
- What is Captain Kirk's favorite brand of paper products? Scott
Captain Hook Jokes
Here is a list of funny captain hook jokes and even better captain hook puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Peter Pan and the Lost Boys are actually the souls of aborted kids That explains Captain Hook
- How did Captain Hook die? He wiped with the wrong hand
- What did Captain Hook say when he broke up with his girlfriend? "It's not you, it's Smee."
- What is Captain Hook's least favorite social media site? TikTok!
- Why did Captain Hook cross the road? To get to the second hand shop
- Captain Hook ordered a new prosthetic hand online. It was off the hook
- What did Wendy do when she first saw Captain Hook? She Peedherpants
- I asked Peter Pan how Captain Hook would vent his frustration. "Beat Smee," he replied.
"Oh, sorry." I said. "I thought you'd know." - [OC] How does captain hook cook pita bread? With a pita pan.
- What disease did Captain Hook fear most? Jock itch
Sea Captain Jokes
Here is a list of funny sea captain jokes and even better sea captain puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- What do you call a sea Captain's hilarious fictional book about bellybuttons? *A novel naval navel novel.*
- What did the professional diving roach say to his captain right before being lost to the sea? Suffocation, no breathing, this is my last report.
- Read this in a pirate voice Did ye hear what happened to Captain Bluebeard when he fell overboard in the Red Sea?
He got Marooned! - What's the difference between jeweler, a cut down tree, and a sea captain? A sea captain watches the seas, while a jeweler sees the watches.
- "Captain, have you ever made love at sea?" "No son, but I've been blown ashore many a time."
- Hey billy jokes? Need some more Billy & Highliner Jokes.
One is "Hey billy you ever been to sea"
"No Captain Highliner but I have been blown ashore" - What did Captain Flavor Flav yell at sea? YEAAAAHHHH BUOOOOYYYY
- Why does a Dyslexic Ship Captain with Coprophobia never pay his taxes? He's afraid of the Sea's Fee.
- What do you call a music-loving captain of a ship? A sea major
- What kind of card does a sea captain get when they are in the hospital? Get whale soon!
Cheerful Fun Captain Jokes for Lovely Laughter
What funny jokes about captain you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean crew jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make captain pranks.
A cruise ship passes by a remote island, and all the passengers see a bearded man running around and waving his arms wildly. "Captain," one of the passenger asks, "who is that man over there?"
"I have no idea," the captain says, "but he goes nuts every year when we pass him."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Atheism is a non-prophet organization
As the storm raged,the captain realized his ship was sinking fast.
So he shouted out, "Anyone here know how to pray?"
Just o**... stepped forward and said, "Aye, captain,I know how to pray."
"Good,"said the captain, "You pray while the rest of us put on our life jackets - we're one short."
The Secret of the Red Shirt
Once upon a time there was a pirate captain. He ran a very successful ship, and rarely lost any battles. He took a boy under him to teach him the trade.
One day, the lookout shouted, "Marine ship to the starboard, bearing down upon us!". The captain immediately shouted to the boy, "Boy, bring me my red shirt!". The ship was boarded, but the captain rallied the pirates and defeated the marines.
Every time a marine ship attacked them, the captain would give the same order to the boy, "Boy, bring me my red shirt!". And they always won. So, one day the boy asked the captain, "What is the secret of the red shirt?". The captain replied, "The secret is that, if I'm injured in the battle, the crew won't see blood and will not falter." The boy was amazed and grew proud about his captain.
Then one day, the came upon an entire fleet of marine ships. Hundreds upon hundreds of marine ships bore down upon them. The boy came running to the captain with the red shirt. The captain shook his head and said, "Bring me my brown pants."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
So a cop pulls over a guy for wearing his seatbelt..
tells the citizen that his captain gave him a 100 dollar bill to give to the 100th person he sees wearing their seat belt. The citizen looks a little confused, but of course, accepts the note, and proceeds to leave. The officer asks, " So, if you don't mind my asking, what are you going to spend the money on?" To a reply of, " yes, i do mind your asking, and frankly, i don't think its any of your business." The officer of course is stunned, but , as he goes to leave, the drivers objects. "If you must know, i'll probably spend it on getting my drivers license." The cop is taken aback, as the passenger says, " Oh don't listen to him, he's drunk." Shortly thereafter, a knocking comes from the trunk, and a muffled voice says, " are we over the border yet?"
edited for grammar n**....
One word difference
One word can change your day, your feelings, and life.
Example:
"This is your captain speaking"
"This isn't your captain speaking"
Only three doors
An airline captain was breaking in a new blonde stewardess. The route they were flying had a layover in another city. Upon their arrival, the captain showed the stewardess the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop and stay overnight.
The next morning, as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day's route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up wondering what happened. She answered the phone, crying, and said she couldn't get out of her room. "You can't get out of your room?" the captain asked, "Why not?"
The stewardess replied: "There are only three doors in here," she sobbed, "one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says 'Do Not Disturb'!"
A redhead, an brunette, and a blonde are about to be executed by a firing squad.
The redhead is first, so they push her against the wall. The captain says "ready, aim..." and the redhead screams "tornado!" so everyone runs away and she escapes.
The brunette is next, so they push her against the wall. The captain says "ready, aim..." and the brunette screams "earthquake!" so everyone runs away and she escapes.
The blonde is last, so they push her against the wall. The captain says "ready, aim..." and the blonde screams "fire!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A Pirates life for me...
A first mate says to his captain "sir i have the yearn in me l**..., and we haven't made port in weeks what do i do"
Captain : "I too have this problem , and have a solution!. when ever ye feel the need, place your self in this hole in the barrel, except on Wednesdays never on Wednesdays"
1st.Mate: "that's a great plan sir, but why not Wednesdays is that when we clean it out?"
Captain:"no you slimy dog Wednesdays is your turn in the barrel"
A ship is sinking in the middle of Atlantic...
A ship is going down in the middle of Atlantic. There's no hope, the captain is desperate, and suddenly someone tells him that among the passengers, there's a rabbi who can perform miracles.
The rabbi is immediately brought to the captain, and he implores him:
-- Rabbi, what can be done?!
-- Do you still have the internet connection?
-- Yes!
-- Sell the ship!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A U. S. Navy destroyer stops four Mexicans in a row boat rowing towards California...
The captain gets on the loud-hailer and shouts, "Ahoy, small craft. Where are you headed?"
One of the Mexicans puts down his oar, stands up, and replies, "We are invading the United States of America to reclaim the territory taken by the USA during the 1800s."
The entire crew of the destroyer doubled-over in laughter. When the captain was finally able to catch his breath, he gets back on the loud-hailer and asks, "Just the four of you?"
The same Mexican stands up again and shouts, "No, we're the last four. The rest are already there!"
Somewhere off Gilligan's Island...
On a Christmas cruise on a luxury ocean liner in the Pacific,
a passenger sees seven straggly people on a small island
jumping up and down and waving their hands and shouting.
"Who are they?" the passenger asks the captain.
"I've no idea. But each year when we pass, they go nuts."
A deckhand comes up to the pirate captain.
"The cannons be ready, Captain," he reports.
*"Are,"* the captain scornfully replies.
England soccer team have got a new captain today
His names George Smith and he'll be flying the A380 back to Heathrow..
A company of the French Foreign Legion are lost in the desert...
The Captain assembles his men and says: "I have good news and bad news. The bad news is... we have run out of food and there is nothing to eat but sand. The good news is... there's plenty."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A man finds himself as the cook on a ship...
A man finds himself as the cook on a ship that has just set off on a voyage. He does a quick survey of the kitchen. Everything seems good except in the pantry he finds several bags of potatoes that are all shaped like p**.... "That's weird," he thinks as he goes and finds the captain.
"Hey, captain, what's with all the potatoes looking like p**.... I don't like it," he says.
The captain replies, "Well you can't change it. This is a dictatorship."
A pirate goes to the doctor
A doctor walks into his exam room and is greeted with a strange sight: a pirate captain with a ships steering wheel protruding from his waistline. The doctor says "Well, I'm not sure what you came in here for, but I think we should start by addressing the steering wheel down your pants."
The pirate nods fervently, and says "Yarr, it's been drivin' me nuts!"
what did the captain say when the navigator complained they were off course?
don't give me that latitude
Are you ready kids? AYE AYE CAPTAIN! I can't hear youuuu! AYE AYE CAPTAIN! Ohhhhhh, who lives with a GPA under a C?
CO-LLEGE STU-DENTS
Who's living with stress induced anxiety? CO-LLEGE STU-DENTS!
If wanting to drop out is something you wish...CO-LLEGE STU-DENTS
Then take a long nap and watch some Netflix!
COLLEGE STUDENTS, COLLEGE STUDENTS, COLLEGE STUDENTS, COLLEEEEGGEEEEE STUUUDEEEEEEEENTSSSSSS!
Stewardess
Yes, Sir?
I want to complain about this airline. Every time I fly, I get the same seat, I can't see the in-flight movie and there are no windows blinds so I can't sleep.
Captain, shut up and land the plane.
A boat in the Atlantic ocean was starting to sink...
... The captain gathered everyone and said "OK everyone, it looks like we are going down, does anyone know how to pray?" One of the ships crew members sitting in the back raises his hand and Hays "yes captain I know how to pray." The captain responds "OK well you start praying and everyone else put a life jacket on, we're short one jacket."
Another joke from my 95 year old grandpa.
I actually heard a joke the other day about an alternate ending to the movie Hook
where Captain Hook wins the duel and sends Peter back to London in a body bag. It's a good joke, if a little dark, but it does require a dead Pan delivery.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A new pilot has his first day in a real cockpit and he asks the pilot...
"Wow, there's so many b**... and switches. How do you remember what they all do?" The captain replies, "I don't, but for the love of God don't touch the dusty ones."
What did the ship captain say when his son learned to float ?
That's my buoy !
A captain and his crew...
A crew mate runs to his captain "Captain! Captain! There is an enemy ship on the horizon! What do we do?" The captain replies "Grab me my red shirt." "Why?" The crew mate asks. "So that my crew doesn't see me bleeding from the battle." The captain replies. Another guy runs up "Captain! Captain! I have an update there are 7 more ships what should I do?" "Go get me my brown pants."
A cruise ship sinks in the middle of the sea...
The people on the ship manage to escape on life boats. A woman comes to the captain and asks him: "How far is the closest land?"
The captain answers :"3 km."
The woman says after: "In which direction?", to which the captain replied :"Down"
Why doesn't Captain Picard have an iPhone
He already has an android, and it came with a data plan.
Someone asked a ship captain if the rumor that he can't swim is true.
"Yes," he replied. "Can pilots fly?"
How does the siren like her Captain Morgan?
On the rocks...
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A young first officer asks his Captain
A young first officer asks his Captain,
"Sir, why does not my ability evolve. I don't seem to be getting better at flying?"
And the Captain patiently answers: "Son, have you seen the gulls flying by the setting sun, and their wings seem like flames?"
"Yes, my sir, I have."
"And a waterfall, spilling mightly over the stones but without taking anything out of its proper place?"
"Yes, sir, I have already witnessed it."
"Then the moon .. when it touches the calm water reflecting all its enormous beauty?"
"Yes, sir, I have also observed this marvelous phenomenon."
"That is the problem. You keep watching all these s**... things instead of focusing on flying the aircraft."
Right before colliding with an iceberg...
The captain of the Titanic got ready to make an announcement:
"Good evening ladies and gentlemen. Fun fact, this ship weighs about 52 thousand kilograms. I'm gonna let that sink in..."
A pirate captain asks his first mate "Find out what be the Roman numeral for the two"
"Aye aye! " responds the first mate
It was my first day at a new school.
When I arrived, I wanted to make sure nobody would pick on me so I walked up to the captain of the football team and punched him in the face. He fell to the ground, unconscious. From that day forward, everyone knew not to mess with the new principal.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I met an old Air Force guy.
I met an old Air Force guy. He said the first time he was gonna jump out of a plane he was scared. He said the Captain told him to jump, or he'd stick his d**k where the "sun don't shine". I go, "Did you jump?" He said, "A little."
A pirate named Ronny gets promoted to First Mate.
Ronny is pondering life one day as hes giving the captain a shave.
"I'm not a very good pirate," he says to the captain. "I can't navigate and I don't know how to fight. I don't even sound like a pirate. Is there a reason you chose me as first mate?"
"Aye Ronny," says the captain.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
An army captain approaches a p**... and asks her, "Would you enjoy my company for $100?"...
She looks at the handsome military officer and says, "Of course, I would be glad!"
Captain replies, "COMPANY! FORWARD!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A Navy ship hailed a civilian at sea...
**Navy**: We ask that you divert your course 15 degrees north, to avoid collision.
**Civilian**: Negative. Recommend that *you* divert 15 degrees north, to avoid collision.
**Navy**: This is the Captain of a U.S. Navy ship. I say again, divert your course.
**Civilian**: Negative. I say again, recommend you change course.
**Navy**: This is the aircraft carrier *Enterprise*! We are a large warship of the U.S. Navy! Divert your course *immediately*!
**Civilian**: This is a lighthouse. Your call.
TIL the Titanic was scheduled to have an evacuation drill the same day it sank but was canceled by the captain.
Now let that sink in.
God Will Save Me
There was a preacher who fell in the ocean and he couldn't swim. When a boat came by, the captain yelled, "Do you need help, sir?" The preacher calmly said "No, God will save me." A little later, another boat came by and a fisherman asked, "Hey, do you need help?" The preacher replied again, "No God will save me." Eventually the preacher drowned & went to heaven. The preacher asked God, "Why didn't you save me?" God replied, "Fool, I sent you two boats!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A plane was about to take off when a man burst out of the cockpit n**..., yelling
"this is your captain streaking"
My friends started calling me captain obvious
But just so you know I'm not actually a captain, it's just a nickname.
As the Titanic sank, the musicians remained on deck and continued to play music as the ship went down.
The captain had said "aBandOn Ship", so they really had no choice.
45000 feet above the Atlantic, the aircraft engine fails
And the captain declares an emergency. Everyone aboard the plane was scared shitless. A passenger sitting next to the pastor loses it and screams, 'Don't just sit there, do something religious!'.
The pastor promptly took up a collection.....
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Captain Hook is claiming that he was s**... assaulted by his first mate some years ago.
It's a classic case of he said, Smee said.
A pirate captain says to his first mate...
Where are my buccaneers?
Aye Cap'n, they're the sides of your buccan' head!
A captain was flying over a mental hospital...
...when suddenly he started laughing vigorously.
"What's so funny?" Asked the co-pilot.
The captain answered: "I'm just imagining their faces when they realize I'm not there anymore"
A plane has a horrible accident...
...and is split in half horizontally. Everyone is holding onto the oxygen masks above with their legs dangling in the air.
The captain shouts to the passengers, "We can make it, but the weight's off - at least one person needs to let go or else none of us will make it!"
Willing to die for a good cause, a young man shouts "I will sacrifice my life for all of you!"
Everyone claps.
Two new recruits were on the deck of a ship.
One turns to other and says, "Its awfully quiet on deck tonight. Isn't it?"
Other recruit replies, "Everyone must be watching the band."
"There is no band on this ship."
"No, I definitely heard the captain say, a band on ship."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What's sick, Irish, and hates Captain Kirk?
A l**... Khan.
Captain Marvel wasn't the first standalone female superhero...
Iron man was, because he's Fe-Male
A ship sailing past a remote island spots a man who had been stranded there for several years.
The captain goes to shore and notices three huts.
What's the first hut for? He asks?
That's my house says the castaway.
what's the second hut for?
That's my church.
And the third?
Oh, that? That's the church I used to go to.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Sir, I think we have a case of human traficking
An American flight attendant sees a suspicious looking couple on board and reports it to the captain.
"Sir, I think we have a case of human traficking! There is an extremely s**... female passenger on board, who looks quite frightened, almost like she has no idea what is going to happen next. The man she is with is a fat old slob and old enough to be her father. He's very s**..., very sullen and although he speaks English, it is impossible to make out what he's trying to say."
The captain sighed and replied, "look Susan, we've been through this many times before, this is Air Force One..."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
U.S. Navy destroyer stops four Mexicans rowing towards Texas. The Captain gets on the loud-hailer and shouts:
Ahoy, small craft. Where are you headed?"
One of the Mexicans puts down his oar, stands up, and shouts, "g**..., we are invading the United States of
America to reclaim the territory taken by the USA during the 1800's."
The entire crew on the destroyer doubles over in laughter.
When the Captain finally catches his breath, he gets back on the loud-hailer and asks, "Just the four of you?"
The same Mexican stands up again and shouts, "No, we're the last 4. The other 20 million are already there.
The aircraft carrier captain saw a light whilst at sea
"Tell the signalman to warn that boat to turn to port to avoid a collision."
But the light flashes back "\*YOU\* turn to port to avoid a collision."
The captain, incensed, sends the message "This is a 200 kiloton aircraft carrier with 50 warplanes, atomic bombs and cruise missiles! \*YOU\* turn to the left to avoid a collision!"
The light flashes back "This is a lighthouse. Your call."
It was a man's first day on a pirate ship.
He noticed the captain had a peg leg, a hook for a hand, and a patch over his eye.
The man was curious so he asked the captain how he lost his leg.
The captain responded, Arrrrr, a shark bit me leg off.
The man asked how he lost his hand. Arrrr, I lost me hand in a sword fight.
Finally, the man asked the captain while he wears a patch over his eye. The captain said, Arrrr, a seagull pooped in me eye, and it was me first day with a hook.
A pirate captain says to his 3 crewmates, "Let's learn Roman numerals!"
The first one says, "Aye."
The second one adds, "Aye aye."
The third one finishes, "Aye aye aye."
A reporter is at the airport, writing a piece on the womanising reputation of airline pilots.
She approaches a handsome, uniformed captain and asks, "for my article, can you please tell me the last time you made love?
It was 1959 , says the pilot.
"Oh wow, that long ago?" she responds, "I thought you airline pilots held a reputation as real ladies men"
Pilot looks at his watch and says "Well, considering it's only 2025 now..."
Several aristocrats are having a party on a cruise ship, when the captain comes down and interrupts.
"I have some good news and some bad news," he says. "Which do you want to hear first?"
"Good!" everyone says in unison.
The captain says, "We won eleven Oscars!"
