Captain Jokes

179 captain jokes and hilarious captain puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about captain that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

You don't have to be a superhero to enjoy these jokes about captains! Read on for a selection of fun and original jokes about Captain America, Captain Hook, Captain Kirk, Captain Underpants, Captain Obvious, Captain America Meme, Captain Morgan, Captain Marvel, and even the common 'Capt'. See if you can come up with your own jokes about captains and lieutenants!

Quick Jump To

Funniest Captain Short Jokes

Short captain jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The captain humour may include short first mate jokes also.

  1. In the army, you have to pay $85 if you lose your rifle. That's why in the Navy, the captain goes down with the ship.
  2. Captain Kirk actually has 3 ears. The first is the left ear, the second is the right ear, and then there's the final frontier.
  3. My 8 year old told me a really clever joke for once. What do you get when you cross Captain America and the Hulk?
    A Star-Spangled Banner.
  4. Camouflage training at the military Captain: I DIDN'T SEE YOU AT THE CAMOUFLAGE training TODAY JOHNSON!!
    Johnson: Thank you sir!
  5. What do you get when you dress the Hulk in Captain America's clothes? A Star-Spangled Banner.
  6. TIL that in 1940 a German U-Boat captain found himself aboard a British vessel. Whoops, wrong sub.
  7. Levar Burton cannot replace Mayim Bialik as the host of the show... Because Captain Picard would never willingly put a member of his crew in Jeopardy.
  8. Just watched Captain America: Civil War for the first time Couldn't get enough, so I looked out of the window to watch America: Civil War.
  9. It's not the size of the ship, nor the motion of the ocean... It's whether or not the captain stays in port long enough for all the passengers to get off.
  10. "This is your Captain speaking..." "...if you look out of your window you will see a small yellow life raft floating in the sea. I am talking to you from there."

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Captain One Liners

Which captain one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with captain? I can suggest the ones about commander and pilot.

  1. This is your captain speaking AND THIS IS YOUR CAPTAIN SHOUTING .
  2. Name one superhero that can beat Captain America... Captain vietnam
  3. Darth Vader: Luke, I know what you're getting for Christmas. Luke: How?
    Darth Vader: I felt your presents.
  4. "Name one person that could beat Captain America" Captain Vietnam
  5. What did they find in the toilet in the star ship Enterprise? The captain's log.
  6. What do you call Hulk dressed up as Captain America? Star-Spangled Banner
  7. Pirate: The cannons be ready, captain. Captain: Are.
  8. Where did Captain Hook get his hook ? The second-hand store.
  9. Who can beat Captain America? Captain Vietnam.
  10. What is Captain Hook's favorite kind of humor? Dead Pan.
  11. What's in the toilet of the Starship Enterprise? The Captain's log
  12. Why couldn't the pirates play cards? Because the captain was standing on the deck! Aargh
  13. Why did Captain Kirk's girlfriend break up with him? Because he Shatner face.
  14. Where did Captain Hook buy his hook? From a second-hand store
  15. Did you know Captain Kirk had three ears? A right ear, a left ear, and a final front ear

Captain America Jokes

Here is a list of funny captain america jokes and even better captain america puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • In the next Marvel movie I hear that Ironman, Captain America and the others will team up to battle Comcast . It is called Avengers Xfinity Wars!
  • What do you call the Hulk when he wears Captain America's outfit? The Star Spangled Banner
  • What do you get when you cross Captain America with The Incredible Hulk? Star spangled Banner.
  • Mjölnir could be picked up by Thor, Vision, and Captain America Does that make it poly-hammer-us?
  • Which superhero can beat Captain America? Captain Vietnam
  • captain mexico Always trying to take captain america's job.
  • Do you know who could beat Captain America? Captain Vietnam
  • Captain America's shield was made of Adamantium. What was Hawkeye's shield made of? Quicksilver.
  • After Captain America died, The Incredible Hulk inherited the mantle. He renamed himself 'The Star-Spangled Banner'.
  • How much money does it cost to make Captain America cry? One buck

Captain Kirk Jokes

Here is a list of funny captain kirk jokes and even better captain kirk puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • What is Captain Kirk's least favorite type of nut? Pe-KAAAAAHHHHHNNNNNN!!!!
  • What is Captain Kirk's least favourite nut? Pe-Kahn!!!!!!
  • What does Captain Kirk do on the toilet ? He makes a Captain's log
  • Why did Captain Kirk take such a long time in the washroom? Because he was fighting the Klingons.
  • How many ears does Captain Kirk have? 3
    A Left Ear
    A Right Ear
    And a Final Front-Ear
  • What did captain kirk's music teach put on his report card? He's having trouble with the trebles
  • Why does Captain Kirk's wife smell? Because, William Shatner.
  • Fun fact: In Star Trek canon, Captain Kirk has three ears. . . He has a left ear, a right ear, and SPACE: THE FINAL FRONT EAR.
  • Why Did Spock Use Kirk's Bathroom? ...Because he wanted to see the Captain's log
  • What did Captain Kirk find at the end of the rainbow? a LepreKHAAAAAAN!
Captain joke, What did Captain Kirk find at the end of the rainbow?

Captain Hook Jokes

Here is a list of funny captain hook jokes and even better captain hook puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • Where does Captain Hook buy his hooks? At the second hand store.
  • Peter Pan and the Lost Boys are actually the souls of aborted kids That explains Captain Hook
  • What's Captain Hook's favourite kind of shop? The second hand shop.
  • How did Captain Hook die? He wiped with the wrong hand
  • What did Captain Hook say when he broke up with his girlfriend? "It's not you, it's Smee."
  • What is Captain Hook's least favorite social media site? TikTok!
  • Why did Captain Hook cross the road? To get to the second hand shop
  • Captain Hook ordered a new prosthetic hand online. It was off the hook
  • What did Wendy do when she first saw Captain Hook? She Peedherpants
  • What is Captain Hook's least favorite online trend? TikTok

Sea Captain Jokes

Here is a list of funny sea captain jokes and even better sea captain puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • What do you call a sea Captain's hilarious fictional book about bellybuttons? *A novel naval navel novel.*
  • What did the professional diving roach say to his captain right before being lost to the sea? Suffocation, no breathing, this is my last report.
  • Read this in a pirate voice Did ye hear what happened to Captain Bluebeard when he fell overboard in the Red Sea?
    He got Marooned!
  • What's the difference between jeweler, a cut down tree, and a sea captain? A sea captain watches the seas, while a jeweler sees the watches.
  • "Captain, have you ever made love at sea?" "No son, but I've been blown ashore many a time."
  • Hey billy jokes? Need some more Billy & Highliner Jokes.
    One is "Hey billy you ever been to sea"
    "No Captain Highliner but I have been blown ashore"
  • What did Captain Flavor Flav yell at sea? YEAAAAHHHH BUOOOOYYYY
  • Why does a Dyslexic Ship Captain with Coprophobia never pay his taxes? He's afraid of the Sea's Fee.
  • What do you call a music-loving captain of a ship? A sea major
  • What kind of card does a sea captain get when they are in the hospital? Get whale soon!
Captain joke, What kind of card does a sea captain get when they are in the hospital?

Cheerful Fun Captain Jokes for Lovely Laughter

What funny jokes about captain you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean crew jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make captain pranks.

A cruise ship passes by a remote island, and all the passengers see a bearded man running around and waving his arms wildly. "Captain," one of the passenger asks, "who is that man over there?"

"I have no idea," the captain says, "but he goes nuts every year when we pass him."

Atheism is a non-prophet organization

As the storm raged,the captain realized his ship was sinking fast.
So he shouted out, "Anyone here know how to pray?"
Just o**... stepped forward and said, "Aye, captain,I know how to pray."
"Good,"said the captain, "You pray while the rest of us put on our life jackets - we're one short."

The Secret of the Red Shirt

Once upon a time there was a pirate captain. He ran a very successful ship, and rarely lost any battles. He took a boy under him to teach him the trade.
One day, the lookout shouted, "Marine ship to the starboard, bearing down upon us!". The captain immediately shouted to the boy, "Boy, bring me my red shirt!". The ship was boarded, but the captain rallied the pirates and defeated the marines.
Every time a marine ship attacked them, the captain would give the same order to the boy, "Boy, bring me my red shirt!". And they always won. So, one day the boy asked the captain, "What is the secret of the red shirt?". The captain replied, "The secret is that, if I'm injured in the battle, the crew won't see blood and will not falter." The boy was amazed and grew proud about his captain.
Then one day, the came upon an entire fleet of marine ships. Hundreds upon hundreds of marine ships bore down upon them. The boy came running to the captain with the red shirt. The captain shook his head and said, "Bring me my brown pants."

So a pirate has been on a ship for 6 months...

but there are no women on the ship and being male,he had some...urges, so he asked the captain " arr its been 6 months since we've had a lass on the ship and some of the others are getting urges. what can we do about them??" and the captain responds" go down to the front of the ship and there will be a barrel, stick your privates in there and go at it." so he did as he was told and when he was done he came back. he told the captain " captain! that was great! how many times can i use it????" and the captain turned to him and said " every day except thursday." and the pirate asked " why?" the captain responded " aye, because thats your turn to be in the barrel."

So a cop pulls over a guy for wearing his seatbelt..

tells the citizen that his captain gave him a 100 dollar bill to give to the 100th person he sees wearing their seat belt. The citizen looks a little confused, but of course, accepts the note, and proceeds to leave. The officer asks, " So, if you don't mind my asking, what are you going to spend the money on?" To a reply of, " yes, i do mind your asking, and frankly, i don't think its any of your business." The officer of course is stunned, but , as he goes to leave, the drivers objects. "If you must know, i'll probably spend it on getting my drivers license." The cop is taken aback, as the passenger says, " Oh don't listen to him, he's drunk." Shortly thereafter, a knocking comes from the trunk, and a muffled voice says, " are we over the border yet?"
edited for grammar n**....

Only three doors

An airline captain was breaking in a new blonde stewardess. The route they were flying had a layover in another city. Upon their arrival, the captain showed the stewardess the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop and stay overnight.
The next morning, as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day's route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up wondering what happened. She answered the phone, crying, and said she couldn't get out of her room. "You can't get out of your room?" the captain asked, "Why not?"
The stewardess replied: "There are only three doors in here," she sobbed, "one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says 'Do Not Disturb'!"

A redhead, an brunette, and a blonde are about to be executed by a firing squad.

The redhead is first, so they push her against the wall. The captain says "ready, aim..." and the redhead screams "tornado!" so everyone runs away and she escapes.
The brunette is next, so they push her against the wall. The captain says "ready, aim..." and the brunette screams "earthquake!" so everyone runs away and she escapes.
The blonde is last, so they push her against the wall. The captain says "ready, aim..." and the blonde screams "fire!"

A ship is sinking in the middle of Atlantic...

A ship is going down in the middle of Atlantic. There's no hope, the captain is desperate, and suddenly someone tells him that among the passengers, there's a rabbi who can perform miracles.
The rabbi is immediately brought to the captain, and he implores him:
-- Rabbi, what can be done?!
-- Do you still have the internet connection?
-- Yes!
-- Sell the ship!

A Sea Captain looks through his telescope

and sees ships approaching on the horizon. He says to his first mate "Arrrr Matey, fetch me me red shirt".
"But why, Captain?" the Mate says.
"If these be enemies and we must defend our ship I don't want me men to see me bleed".
The mate fetches the shirt as the Captain looks out again, this time seeing a fleet of Pirate Ships gaining on them. He turns to the first mate again:
"Arrr Matey, fetch me me brown pants".

A U. S. Navy destroyer stops four Mexicans in a row boat rowing towards California...

The captain gets on the loud-hailer and shouts, "Ahoy, small craft. Where are you headed?"

One of the Mexicans puts down his oar, stands up, and replies, "We are invading the United States of America to reclaim the territory taken by the USA during the 1800s."
The entire crew of the destroyer doubled-over in laughter. When the captain was finally able to catch his breath, he gets back on the loud-hailer and asks, "Just the four of you?"

The same Mexican stands up again and shouts, "No, we're the last four. The rest are already there!"

Somewhere off Gilligan's Island...

On a Christmas cruise on a luxury ocean liner in the Pacific,
a passenger sees seven straggly people on a small island
jumping up and down and waving their hands and shouting.
"Who are they?" the passenger asks the captain.
"I've no idea. But each year when we pass, they go nuts."

A deckhand comes up to the pirate captain.

"The cannons be ready, Captain," he reports.
*"Are,"* the captain scornfully replies.

England soccer team have got a new captain today

His names George Smith and he'll be flying the A380 back to Heathrow..

After his team was eliminated from the World Cup,

The Nigerian captain personally offered to refund all expenses that fans of his country paid for to travel to Brazil.
According to sources close to the player, he just needs their bank details and pin numbers to complete the transactions.

A company of the French Foreign Legion are lost in the desert...

The Captain assembles his men and says: "I have good news and bad news. The bad news is... we have run out of food and there is nothing to eat but sand. The good news is... there's plenty."

The captain and the p**...

A captain of the army goes to a p**... and asks her :
"Say, madam, for a hundred dollars, would you accept my company ?"
And the p**... answers : "Of course, a handsome military like you"
The captains thanks her, turns around and shout :
"Company, FORWARD !"
(I hope the joke translates well)

A man finds himself as the cook on a ship...

A man finds himself as the cook on a ship that has just set off on a voyage. He does a quick survey of the kitchen. Everything seems good except in the pantry he finds several bags of potatoes that are all shaped like p**.... "That's weird," he thinks as he goes and finds the captain.
"Hey, captain, what's with all the potatoes looking like p**.... I don't like it," he says.
The captain replies, "Well you can't change it. This is a dictatorship."

A plane was going down....

A plane was going down and the captain said to the passengers "I'm sorry everyone we are going to c**... in a few minutes" The passengers looked at each other in fear. One woman got out of her seat and yelled "Before I die I want a man to make me feel like a real woman!" a man a few rows back got out of his seat and said "I will!" she smiled and ran up to him. He then took his shirt off and said "Here, iron this"

A cruise ship passed a tiny, isolated island.

Everyone on board could see a bearded man on the island, shouting and desperately waving his hands.
"Who is that man?" a passenger asked the ship's captain. "Why is he so upset?"
"I have no idea," said the Captain, "but every year when we pass by here, he goes nuts."

A lawyer, priest, and social worker are on a ship that hits an iceberg...

The captain comes over the intercom: "Everyone please make your way to the lifeboats".
The social worker yells out: "Women & children first!"
The lawyer starts pushing his way towards the boats: "Screw the children!"
The priest responds: "Do we have time?"

Just bought a book "Jokes about Captain Obvious".

It's full of Captain Obvious jokes.


Yes, Sir?
I want to complain about this airline. Every time I fly, I get the same seat, I can't see the in-flight movie and there are no windows blinds so I can't sleep.
Captain, shut up and land the plane.

A boat in the Atlantic ocean was starting to sink...

... The captain gathered everyone and said "OK everyone, it looks like we are going down, does anyone know how to pray?" One of the ships crew members sitting in the back raises his hand and Hays "yes captain I know how to pray." The captain responds "OK well you start praying and everyone else put a life jacket on, we're short one jacket."
Another joke from my 95 year old grandpa.

A ship is sailing through the sea...

passing by a small island and watches a man screaming and shouting.
A passenger asks the captain:
- Who is he?
- We don't know, he gets crazy every year we pass here.

I actually heard a joke the other day about an alternate ending to the movie Hook

where Captain Hook wins the duel and sends Peter back to London in a body bag. It's a good joke, if a little dark, but it does require a dead Pan delivery.

A new pilot has his first day in a real cockpit and he asks the pilot...

"Wow, there's so many b**... and switches. How do you remember what they all do?" The captain replies, "I don't, but for the love of God don't touch the dusty ones."

A prayer

As the storm raged, the captain realized his ship was sinking fast.
He called out: "Anyone here know how to pray?"
One man stepped forward: "Aye, Captain, I know how to pray."
Good", said the captain, "you pray while the rest of us put on our life jackets - we're one short"

A ship was sailing in the middle of the ocean....

A storm was developing in the distance. As the storm raged, the captain realised the ship was sinking fast.
He called out loud, "Anyone here knows how to pray?"
A man proudly raised his hand and came forward, "Aye Captain, I know how to pray."
The Captain replied, "Great, you keep praying while the rest of us put our life jackets on.......we are short of one!"

I was on this plane once...

Captain sets for take off and we are 35000 feet in the air, the captain then sets his mic down but forgets to turn it off.
The captain turns to the co-pilot and says "all I could use right now is a b**... and a cup of coffee".
The stewardess starts running from the back of the plane to tell the captain he still has his mic on.
A guy in the back of the plane screams out "hey hun, don't forget the coffee!".

A captain and his crew...

A crew mate runs to his captain "Captain! Captain! There is an enemy ship on the horizon! What do we do?" The captain replies "Grab me my red shirt." "Why?" The crew mate asks. "So that my crew doesn't see me bleeding from the battle." The captain replies. Another guy runs up "Captain! Captain! I have an update there are 7 more ships what should I do?" "Go get me my brown pants."

A cruise ship sinks in the middle of the sea...

The people on the ship manage to escape on life boats. A woman comes to the captain and asks him: "How far is the closest land?"
The captain answers :"3 km."
The woman says after: "In which direction?", to which the captain replied :"Down"

People call me the most disoriented U-boat captain of the 20th century...

Oops wrong sub.

Why doesn't Captain Picard have an iPhone

He already has an android, and it came with a data plan.

A pirate captain walks into a bar...

...with a peg leg, a steering wheel hanging from his pants, and a parrot on his shoulder.
Bartender: "Excuse me Captain, but you have a steering wheel hanging from your pants!"
Pirate: "Arrrrr, I know. It's driving me nuts."

A cruise ship is sailing in the Caribbean..

The cruise ship passes by a remote island, and all the passengers see a bearded man with an eyepatch running around and waving his arms wildly.
Captain, one passenger asks, who is that man over there?
I have no idea, the captain says, but he goes nuts every year when we pass him.

A young first officer asks his Captain

A young first officer asks his Captain,
"Sir, why does not my ability evolve. I don't seem to be getting better at flying?"
And the Captain patiently answers: "Son, have you seen the gulls flying by the setting sun, and their wings seem like flames?"
"Yes, my sir, I have."
"And a waterfall, spilling mightly over the stones but without taking anything out of its proper place?"
"Yes, sir, I have already witnessed it."
"Then the moon .. when it touches the calm water reflecting all its enormous beauty?"
"Yes, sir, I have also observed this marvelous phenomenon."
"That is the problem. You keep watching all these s**... things instead of focusing on flying the aircraft."

Right before colliding with an iceberg...

The captain of the Titanic got ready to make an announcement:
"Good evening ladies and gentlemen. Fun fact, this ship weighs about 52 thousand kilograms. I'm gonna let that sink in..."

A pirate captain asks his first mate "Find out what be the Roman numeral for the two"

"Aye aye! " responds the first mate

It was my first day at a new school.

When I arrived, I wanted to make sure nobody would pick on me so I walked up to the captain of the football team and punched him in the face. He fell to the ground, unconscious. From that day forward, everyone knew not to mess with the new principal.

An army captain approaches a p**... and asks her, "Would you enjoy my company for $100?"...

She looks at the handsome military officer and says, "Of course, I would be glad!"
Captain replies, "COMPANY! FORWARD!"

A Navy ship hailed a civilian at sea...

**Navy**: We ask that you divert your course 15 degrees north, to avoid collision.
**Civilian**: Negative. Recommend that *you* divert 15 degrees north, to avoid collision.
**Navy**: This is the Captain of a U.S. Navy ship. I say again, divert your course.
**Civilian**: Negative. I say again, recommend you change course.
**Navy**: This is the aircraft carrier *Enterprise*! We are a large warship of the U.S. Navy! Divert your course *immediately*!
**Civilian**: This is a lighthouse. Your call.

William Shatner, alias Captain Kirk, has discontinued his ladies underwear line...

In hindsight "Shatner p**..." wasn't a good choice of name in the first place.

The power of prayer

A ship is sinking, the captain turns to the people on the boat and asks, "does anyone here know how to pray?"
The priest on boards says he can pray.
Captain: "Ok priest, you pray. Everyone else will wear a life jacket. We are short of one."

God Will Save Me

There was a preacher who fell in the ocean and he couldn't swim. When a boat came by, the captain yelled, "Do you need help, sir?" The preacher calmly said "No, God will save me." A little later, another boat came by and a fisherman asked, "Hey, do you need help?" The preacher replied again, "No God will save me." Eventually the preacher drowned & went to heaven. The preacher asked God, "Why didn't you save me?" God replied, "Fool, I sent you two boats!"

A plane was about to take off when a man burst out of the cockpit n**..., yelling

"this is your captain streaking"

When I lost my p**..., the Army charged me $125.

That's why in the Navy, the captain goes down with the ship.

My friends started calling me captain obvious

But just so you know I'm not actually a captain, it's just a nickname.

I read a joke about an alternate ending to Peter Pan where Captain Hook wins the duel and sends Peter Pan back to London in a body bag.

Not very funny and quite dark, but it requires a dead Pan delivery

A pirate captain is about to pillage a Royal Navy ship.

He calls to his aide, "Bring me my red coat!" When the aide asks why, he says, "If I get shot, the men won't see it and will keep on fighting." The aide praises the captain's intelligence and fetches the jacket. Then, as soon as they are about to attack, a lookout yells, "Captain, we just realized that there are in fact 20 ships!" The captain suddenly goes very pale and calls, "Bring me my brown pants."

Captain Hook is claiming that he was s**... assaulted by his first mate some years ago.

It's a classic case of he said, Smee said.

A pirate captain says to his first mate...

Where are my buccaneers?
Aye Cap'n, they're the sides of your buccan' head!

A captain was flying over a mental hospital...

...when suddenly he started laughing vigorously.
"What's so funny?" Asked the co-pilot.
The captain answered: "I'm just imagining their faces when they realize I'm not there anymore"

2 police officers were called to a domestic a**...,

2 police officers were called to a domestic a**... call. when they got there they had to call for backup. 2 police cars showed up making it 6 officers at the scene,
they called headquarters and spoke to their Captain.
"Captain we have a m**... here"
"what happened?"
"a wife shot and killed her husband for walking on her still wet mopped kitchen floor"
"well, have you arrested her yet?"
"Not yet, the kitchen floor is still wet."

Pirate Captain: Mistar Smith, do ya know how ta write two in Roman Numbers?

Mr. Smith: II captain.

Two new recruits were on the deck of a ship.

One turns to other and says, "Its awfully quiet on deck tonight. Isn't it?"
Other recruit replies, "Everyone must be watching the band."
"There is no band on this ship."
"No, I definitely heard the captain say, a band on ship."

Captain Marvel wasn't the first standalone female superhero...

Iron man was, because he's Fe-Male

Sir, I think we have a case of human traficking

An American flight attendant sees a suspicious looking couple on board and reports it to the captain.
"Sir, I think we have a case of human traficking! There is an extremely s**... female passenger on board, who looks quite frightened, almost like she has no idea what is going to happen next. The man she is with is a fat old slob and old enough to be her father. He's very s**..., very sullen and although he speaks English, it is impossible to make out what he's trying to say."
The captain sighed and replied, "look Susan, we've been through this many times before, this is Air Force One..."

Captain joke, Sir, I think we have a case of human traficking

jokes about captain