The Best 70 Captain Jokes
Following is our collection of funny Captain jokes. There are some captain admiral jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud.
Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these captain ship captain puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.
Top 10 of the Funniest Captain Jokes and Puns
A cruise ship passes by a remote island, and all the passengers see a bearded man running around and waving his arms wildly. "Captain," one of the passenger asks, "who is that man over there?"
"I have no idea," the captain says, "but he goes nuts every year when we pass him."
Atheism is a non-prophet organization
As the storm raged,the captain realized his ship was sinking fast.
So he shouted out, "Anyone here know how to pray?"
Just one guy stepped forward and said, "Aye, captain,I know how to pray."
"Good,"said the captain, "You pray while the rest of us put on our life jackets - we're one short."
So a pirate has been on a ship for 6 months...
but there are no women on the ship and being male,he had some...urges, so he asked the captain " arr its been 6 months since we've had a lass on the ship and some of the others are getting urges. what can we do about them??" and the captain responds" go down to the front of the ship and there will be a barrel, stick your privates in there and go at it." so he did as he was told and when he was done he came back. he told the captain " captain! that was great! how many times can i use it????" and the captain turned to him and said " every day except thursday." and the pirate asked " why?" the captain responded " aye, because thats your turn to be in the barrel."
Only three doors
An airline captain was breaking in a new blonde stewardess. The route they were flying had a layover in another city. Upon their arrival, the captain showed the stewardess the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop and stay overnight.
The next morning, as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day's route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up wondering what happened. She answered the phone, crying, and said she couldn't get out of her room. "You can't get out of your room?" the captain asked, "Why not?"
The stewardess replied: "There are only three doors in here," she sobbed, "one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says 'Do Not Disturb'!"
A redhead, an brunette, and a blonde are about to be executed by a firing squad.
The redhead is first, so they push her against the wall. The captain says "ready, aim..." and the redhead screams "tornado!" so everyone runs away and she escapes.
The brunette is next, so they push her against the wall. The captain says "ready, aim..." and the brunette screams "earthquake!" so everyone runs away and she escapes.
The blonde is last, so they push her against the wall. The captain says "ready, aim..." and the blonde screams "fire!"
A Sea Captain looks through his telescope
and sees ships approaching on the horizon. He says to his first mate "Arrrr Matey, fetch me me red shirt".
"But why, Captain?" the Mate says.
"If these be enemies and we must defend our ship I don't want me men to see me bleed".
The mate fetches the shirt as the Captain looks out again, this time seeing a fleet of Pirate Ships gaining on them. He turns to the first mate again:
"Arrr Matey, fetch me me brown pants".
A U. S. Navy destroyer stops four Mexicans in a row boat rowing towards California...
The captain gets on the loud-hailer and shouts, "Ahoy, small craft. Where are you headed?"
One of the Mexicans puts down his oar, stands up, and replies, "We are invading the United States of America to reclaim the territory taken by the USA during the 1800s."
The entire crew of the destroyer doubled-over in laughter. When the captain was finally able to catch his breath, he gets back on the loud-hailer and asks, "Just the four of you?"
The same Mexican stands up again and shouts, "No, we're the last four. The rest are already there!"
Somewhere off Gilligan's Island...
On a Christmas cruise on a luxury ocean liner in the Pacific,
a passenger sees seven straggly people on a small island
jumping up and down and waving their hands and shouting.
"Who are they?" the passenger asks the captain.
"I've no idea. But each year when we pass, they go nuts."
England soccer team have got a new captain today
His names George Smith and he'll be flying the A380 back to Heathrow..
After his team was eliminated from the World Cup,
The Nigerian captain personally offered to refund all expenses that fans of his country paid for to travel to Brazil.
According to sources close to the player, he just needs their bank details and pin numbers to complete the transactions.
The captain and the prostitute
A captain of the army goes to a prostitute and asks her :
"Say, madam, for a hundred dollars, would you accept my company ?"
And the prostitute answers : "Of course, a handsome military like you"
The captains thanks her, turns around and shout :
"Company, FORWARD !"
(I hope the joke translates well)
You can explore captain intercom reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean captain skipper dad jokes. There are also captain puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.
A man finds himself as the cook on a ship...
A man finds himself as the cook on a ship that has just set off on a voyage. He does a quick survey of the kitchen. Everything seems good except in the pantry he finds several bags of potatoes that are all shaped like penises. "That's weird," he thinks as he goes and finds the captain.
"Hey, captain, what's with all the potatoes looking like penises. I don't like it," he says.
The captain replies, "Well you can't change it. This is a dictatorship."
What do you get when you dress the Hulk in Captain America's clothes?
A Star-Spangled Banner.
TIL that in 1940 a German U-Boat captain found himself aboard a British vessel.
Whoops, wrong sub.
A plane was going down....
A plane was going down and the captain said to the passengers "I'm sorry everyone we are going to crash in a few minutes" The passengers looked at each other in fear. One woman got out of her seat and yelled "Before I die I want a man to make me feel like a real woman!" a man a few rows back got out of his seat and said "I will!" she smiled and ran up to him. He then took his shirt off and said "Here, iron this"
A lawyer, priest, and social worker are on a ship that hits an iceberg...
The captain comes over the intercom: "Everyone please make your way to the lifeboats".
The social worker yells out: "Women & children first!"
The lawyer starts pushing his way towards the boats: "Screw the children!"
The priest responds: "Do we have time?"
Stewardess
Yes, Sir?
I want to complain about this airline. Every time I fly, I get the same seat, I can't see the in-flight movie and there are no windows blinds so I can't sleep.
Captain, shut up and land the plane.
"This is your Captain speaking..."
"...if you look out of your window you will see a small yellow life raft floating in the sea. I am talking to you from there."
What is Captain Hook's favorite kind of humor?
Dead Pan.
A ship is sailing through the sea...
passing by a small island and watches a man screaming and shouting.
A passenger asks the captain:
- Who is he?
- We don't know, he gets crazy every year we pass here.
I actually heard a joke the other day about an alternate ending to the movie Hook
where Captain Hook wins the duel and sends Peter back to London in a body bag. It's a good joke, if a little dark, but it does require a dead Pan delivery.
My 8 year old told me a really clever joke for once.
What do you get when you cross Captain America and the Hulk?
A Star-Spangled Banner.
Pirate: The cannons be ready, captain.
Captain: Are.
Why couldn't the pirates play cards?
Because the captain was standing on the deck! Aargh
I was on this plane once...
Captain sets for take off and we are 35000 feet in the air, the captain then sets his mic down but forgets to turn it off.
The captain turns to the co-pilot and says "all I could use right now is a blow job and a cup of coffee".
The stewardess starts running from the back of the plane to tell the captain he still has his mic on.
A guy in the back of the plane screams out "hey hun, don't forget the coffee!".
A captain and his crew...
A crew mate runs to his captain "Captain! Captain! There is an enemy ship on the horizon! What do we do?" The captain replies "Grab me my red shirt." "Why?" The crew mate asks. "So that my crew doesn't see me bleeding from the battle." The captain replies. Another guy runs up "Captain! Captain! I have an update there are 7 more ships what should I do?" "Go get me my brown pants."
A cruise ship sinks in the middle of the sea...
The people on the ship manage to escape on life boats. A woman comes to the captain and asks him: "How far is the closest land?"
The captain answers :"3 km."
The woman says after: "In which direction?", to which the captain replied :"Down"
"Name one person that could beat Captain America"
Captain Vietnam
Why didn't Captain Nemo get any Christmas presents?
Because he was on the Nautilus...
This is your captain speaking
AND THIS IS YOUR CAPTAIN SHOUTING .
A pirate captain asks his first mate "Find out what be the Roman numeral for the two"
"Aye aye! " responds the first mate
It was my first day at a new school.
When I arrived, I wanted to make sure nobody would pick on me so I walked up to the captain of the football team and punched him in the face. He fell to the ground, unconscious. From that day forward, everyone knew not to mess with the new principal.
What do you call Hulk dressed up as Captain America?
Star-Spangled Banner
An army captain approaches a prostitute and asks her, "Would you enjoy my company for $100?"...
She looks at the handsome military officer and says, "Of course, I would be glad!"
Captain replies, "COMPANY! FORWARD!"
Who can beat Captain America?
Captain Vietnam.
A Navy ship hailed a civilian at sea...
**Navy**: We ask that you divert your course 15 degrees north, to avoid collision.
**Civilian**: Negative. Recommend that *you* divert 15 degrees north, to avoid collision.
**Navy**: This is the Captain of a U.S. Navy ship. I say again, divert your course.
**Civilian**: Negative. I say again, recommend you change course.
**Navy**: This is the aircraft carrier *Enterprise*! We are a large warship of the U.S. Navy! Divert your course *immediately*!
**Civilian**: This is a lighthouse. Your call.
Camouflage training at the military
Captain: I DIDN'T SEE YOU AT THE CAMOUFLAGE TRAINING TODAY JOHNSON!!
Johnson: Thank you sir!
William Shatner, alias Captain Kirk, has discontinued his ladies underwear line...
In hindsight "Shatner Panties" wasn't a good choice of name in the first place.
Captain Kirk actually has 3 ears.
The first is the left ear, the second is the right ear, and then there's the final frontier.
When I was in the army, I broke my rifle and had to pay 600$.
I guess that's why the captain always goes down with the ship.
When I lost my pistol, the Army charged me $125.
That's why in the Navy, the captain goes down with the ship.
I managed to lose my rifle when I was in the army.
I had to pay $855 to cover the loss. I'm starting to understand why a Navy captain always goes down with his ship.
It's not the size of the ship, nor the motion of the ocean...
It's whether or not the captain stays in port long enough for all the passengers to get off.
I read a joke about an alternate ending to Peter Pan where Captain Hook wins the duel and sends Peter Pan back to London in a body bag.
Not very funny and quite dark, but it requires a dead Pan delivery
In the next Marvel movie I hear that Ironman, Captain America and the others will team up to battle Comcast .
It is called Avengers Xfinity Wars!
In the army, you have to pay $85 if you lose your rifle.
That's why in the Navy, the captain goes down with the ship.
Why did Captain Kirk's girlfriend break up with him?
Because he Shatner face.
Captain Hook is claiming that he was sexually assaulted by his first mate some years ago.
It's a classic case of he said, Smee said.
A captain was flying over a mental hospital...
...when suddenly he started laughing vigorously.
"What's so funny?" Asked the co-pilot.
The captain answered: "I'm just imagining their faces when they realize I'm not there anymore"
Where did Captain Hook get his hook ?
The second-hand store.
Did you know Captain Kirk had three ears?
A right ear, a left ear, and a final front ear
Two new recruits were on the deck of a ship.
One turns to other and says, "Its awfully quiet on deck tonight. Isn't it?"
Other recruit replies, "Everyone must be watching the band."
"There is no band on this ship."
"No, I definitely heard the captain say, a band on ship."
Just watched Captain America: Civil War for the first time
Couldn't get enough, so I looked out of the window to watch America: Civil War.
Sir, I think we have a case of human traficking
An American flight attendant sees a suspicious looking couple on board and reports it to the captain.
"Sir, I think we have a case of human traficking! There is an extremely sexy female passenger on board, who looks quite frightened, almost like she has no idea what is going to happen next. The man she is with is a fat old slob and old enough to be her father. He's very sleazy, very sullen and although he speaks English, it is impossible to make out what he's trying to say."
The captain sighed and replied, "look Susan, we've been through this many times before, this is Air Force One..."
U.S. Navy destroyer stops four Mexicans rowing towards Texas. The Captain gets on the loud-hailer and shouts:
Ahoy, small craft. Where are you headed?"
One of the Mexicans puts down his oar, stands up, and shouts, "Gringo, we are invading the United States of
America to reclaim the territory taken by the USA during the 1800's."
The entire crew on the destroyer doubles over in laughter.
When the Captain finally catches his breath, he gets back on the loud-hailer and asks, "Just the four of you?"
The same Mexican stands up again and shouts, "No, we're the last 4. The other 20 million are already there.
A captain notices a light in the distance, on a collision course with his ship.
He turns on his signal lamp and sends, Change your course, 10 degrees west.
The light signals back, Change yours, 10 degrees east.
The captain gets a little annoyed. He signals, I'm a US Navy captain. You must change your course, sir.
The light signals back, I'm a Seaman First Class. You must change your course, sir.
Now the captain is mad. He signals, I'm an aircraft carrier. I'm not changing my course.
The light signals back a final message: I'm a lighthouse. Your call.
The newly appointed army captain, while inspecting the soldiers' barracks, saw a female horse.
**Captain**: What's that horse for?
**Soldier**: Our men use her if they can no longer control the urge, sir.
**Captain**: Ah, that's fine then.
One lonely night, the captain felt the urge, so he asked the soldier to bring the horse to his tent. When the captain was done with the horse, he said to the soldier waiting outside his tent.
**Captain**: It's so damn hard! How the hell do you guys do it?
**Soldier**: We ride on the horse to the next town where the girls are, sir.
Where did Captain Hook buy his hook?
From a second-hand store
The Captain's Drink
Captain Hook, Captain Crunch, and Captain America walk into a bar.
Hook says, "Ahoy mates, I'll buy the first round. Just let me go to the bathroom real quick."
The others wait and when Hook comes back Captain America asks, "Hey Hook, how bout those drinks?"
Hook yells, "Shove it up yer stars and stripes, ya flag waving boy scout!"
America turns to Crunch, "Why's he suddenly "irate"?
Crunch says, "Well, that's what happens when you take the P out of a pirate"
Two policemen are walking down the street and they find a mirror.
First one picks it up, looks at it and says: "Holy shit man, this dude looks so familiar."
Other one looks at it and says: "Man you're right! We better take this to the captain!"
When they come to the police station they show the mirror to the captain and ask him if he knows this man. Captain: "Of course i know him! He always sits opposite of me at the barber shop."
Levar Burton cannot replace Mayim Bialik as the host of the show...
Because Captain Picard would never willingly put a member of his crew in Jeopardy.
When I lost my rifle, the Army charged me $85.
That's why in the Navy, the captain goes down with the ship.
How does captain Jean-Luc Picard excuse himself from a conversation with Will Riker so he can use the restroom?
I have to go, Number One.
A Submarine Captain is walking down the street...
... when he sees a Buddhist monk fixing a fence.
"Hey mister, I'm having some trouble running my submarine. None of my crew like me. You're a wise man, what would you suggest?" asked the Captain.
"Make sure to switch everybody's positions very often" said the monk.
"Why?" said the Captain.
The monk replied "You'd be surprised at the amount of karma you get from reposting."
Do you know who could beat Captain America?
Captain Vietnam
On a flight back from Russia, a flight attendant sees a suspicious looking couple on board, so she reports it to the captain immediately…
Sir, I think we have a case of human trafficking! There is a very pretty and quiet female passenger on board, who looks quite frightened and the man she is with is a fat, sweaty, old slob who looks like a sexual deviant!
The captain responds, You must be new here. This is Air Force One.
What did captain kirk's music teach put on his report card?
He's having trouble with the trebles
My great-grandfather sunk 7 U-boats during WW2
Some say that he was the most incompetent captain in the Kriegsmarine
A Russian officer is called into a meeting with his superior at their base camp
His boss starts:
"Comrade Lieutenant, it has come to my attention that you have been selling half of our fuel reserves on the black market"
"Yes Captain, it's true..."
"That's most unfortunate Lieutenant..."
"To be honest Captain, I know you sell army supplies too."
"I know..."
"Then what's the problem if I do it?"
"Because I already sold the other half."
Mjölnir could be picked up by Thor, Vision, and Captain America
Does that make it poly-hammer-us?
Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the captain school captain jokes and puns are jokes supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, are mean or racist, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become bullying and inappropriate.
We suggest to use only working captain captain planet piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.