Captain Hook Jokes
51 captain hook jokes and hilarious captain hook puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about captain hook that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Funniest Captain Hook Short Jokes
Short captain hook jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The captain hook humour may include short captain jokes also.
- Peter Pan and the Lost Boys are actually the souls of aborted kids That explains Captain Hook
- What did Captain Hook say when he broke up with his girlfriend? "It's not you, it's Smee."
- I asked Peter Pan how Captain Hook would vent his frustration. "Beat Smee," he replied.
"Oh, sorry." I said. "I thought you'd know." - Why did Peter Pan know he could beat Captain Hook in poker? Peter knew Captain Hook had lost at least one hand.
- TIL: Captain Hook ran an entire pirate ship. He did it single handedly too.
He was a bit out of breath afterwards though. - (JOKE) "A PIRATE RETIRED"vanndukeandsammy sammy:now that captain hook has retired, to make money, to fishermen at sea he rent himself out as a human fishing pole....(werms extra fee).
- What's Captain Hook's favourite REM track? That's smee in the corner
- What was the former name of captain Hook? Captain Hand
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Captain Hook One Liners
Which captain hook one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with captain hook? I can suggest the ones about pirate hook and sea captain.
- Where did Captain Hook get his hook ? The second-hand store.
- What is Captain Hook's favorite kind of humor? Dead Pan.
- How did Captain Hook die? He wiped with the wrong hand
- What is Captain Hook's least favorite social media site? TikTok!
- Why did Captain Hook cross the road? To get to the second hand shop
- Captain Hook ordered a new prosthetic hand online. It was off the hook
- What did Wendy do when she first saw Captain Hook? She Peedherpants
- [OC] How does captain hook cook pita bread? With a pita pan.
- What disease did Captain Hook fear most? Jock itch
- What does Captain Hook do when he is bored? Beats Smee.
- Chuck Norris once shook a pirates hand.
That pirate is now known as Captain Hook - Why is captain hook always angry? Because he can't beach in ya pan tees.
- What did Captain Hook say to his men before they got on the ship? Get on the ship.
- What is Blackbeard and Captain Hooks favorite workout routine? Pirates.
- Why did Captain Hook think Robin Williams death was funny? He likes dead-'Pan'...
Comical & Quirky Captain Hook Jokes for a Roaring Good Time
What funny jokes about captain hook you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean captain kirk jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make captain hook pranks.
A pirate walks into a bar one day...
...And he sees his old captain sitting down having a drink. So he goes up to say hello and catch up, but he notices that his old captain looks a little different. So he goes over to talk to him. "Captain," he says, "I haven't seen you in years. It's good to see you, but man, you look a little different. I notice that you have a wooden leg! What happened?"
"Gyarr," says the captain, "You be correct. Ya see during a fearsome storm, a huge wave hit me boat, and my leg got trapped under a chain, and ripped it off, so I had to get this here peg leg."
"Wow" says the pirate. "That's terrible. But what happened to your hand? You have a hook now!"
"Gyarr," says the captian, "You be correct. Ya see I was captured by the enemy one day, and they were forcin me to walk the plank, but I turned back and tried to escape, and they cut me hand off, and I had to get this here hook."
Wincing, the pirate says "Christ! Now what happened to your eye? You have a glass eye now."
"Gyarr," says the captain, "You be correct. Well, as I was sailing the sea one day, I happened to look up, and a seagull pooped right in my eye."
Confused, the pirate responds "Well, captain, that sounds bad, but that wouldn't make you lose your eye."
"True," pines the captain, "But it was the first day with me hook."
It's an Army Captain's first day as Company Commander.....
He is in his new office, unpacking his stuff and setting things up, there is a knock on the door. The new Captain wants to impress his new soldiers, so he sits down, picks up the phone, and says "Come in."
A private enters the room, the Captain holds up his finger and starts talking "Ok General, thanks for the invitation to dinner at your house. I'm excited to be here and thanks again for hand picking me to Command this unit. See you Friday night. bye."
He hangs up and looks at the private and says "Hey there, what can I do for you?"
The private says "Good morning Sir, I'm just here to hook up your phone. "
A pirate captain was telling his first mate how he got his injuries
First he points to his peg leg. "You see," he says, "I got thrown overboard in a terrible storm an' a great white shark bit off me leg before I could climb back up."
"That's amazing," the first mate replies, "and what happened to your hand?"
"We was boarding a ship to take its plunder an' I dueled the ship's captain. I bested him but not before he took me hand clean off. So I got a hook to replace it."
The first mate was only more impressed, "So what's the story behind the eyepatch?"
"A seagull pooped in me eye."
"That's all? You lost your eye because a seagull pooped in it?"
"Well, it was me first day with the hook."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What's worse than getting r**... by Jack the Ripper?
Getting fingered by Captain Hook.
I actually heard a joke the other day about an alternate ending to the movie Hook
where Captain Hook wins the duel and sends Peter back to London in a body bag. It's a good joke, if a little dark, but it does require a dead Pan delivery.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Why is Captain Hook good at getting away with m**...?
He leaves no fingerprints
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Captain hook can't kill 20 kindergarteners.
But Sandy Hook can.
Tired of being beaten again and again by a child, Captain Hook decided to leave Neverland. When he reached the real world, he realized there was a job he was built for.
So he opened an abortion clinic.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Captain Hook is claiming that he was s**... assaulted by his first mate some years ago.
It's a classic case of he said, Smee said.
In 1969, the Beatles originally wrote one of their hit songs for a Broadway version of Peter Pan. Captain Hook's right hand man wanted to Broker a truce that would give Hook the ability to fly and give Peter and the Lost Boys safety from pirates. It ended with a big event where Hook and Peter flew..
Come together, right now... over Smee.
In 1985, new wave band, A-Ha, wrote a song for a new broadway version of Peter Pan that was never used. In the musical, Tinkerbell was supposed to sing to Peter, urging him to try and fight Captain Hook's right hand man with the intent of demoralizing Hook and his pirate crew...
Taaaaake oooooon Smeeeee
It was a man's first day on a pirate ship.
He noticed the captain had a peg leg, a hook for a hand, and a patch over his eye.
The man was curious so he asked the captain how he lost his leg.
The captain responded, Arrrrr, a shark bit me leg off.
The man asked how he lost his hand. Arrrr, I lost me hand in a sword fight.
Finally, the man asked the captain while he wears a patch over his eye. The captain said, Arrrr, a seagull pooped in me eye, and it was me first day with a hook.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
The Captain's Drink
Captain Hook, Captain Crunch, and Captain America walk into a bar.
Hook says, "Ahoy mates, I'll buy the first round. Just let me go to the bathroom real quick."
The others wait and when Hook comes back Captain America asks, "Hey Hook, how bout those drinks?"
Hook yells, "Shove it up yer stars and stripes, ya flag waving boy scout!"
America turns to Crunch, "Why's he suddenly "irate"?
Crunch says, "Well, that's what happens when you take the P out of a pirate"
