The Best 69 Capt Jokes

Following is our collection of funny Capt jokes. There are some capt commander jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud.

Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these capt skipper puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.

Top 10 of the Funniest Capt Jokes and Puns

How do you capture a polar bear?

1. Dig a hole in the ice.

2. Place a bunch of peas around the hole

3. When the bear comes up to take a pea, you kick him in the ice hole.

What is Captain Picard's favorite Chinese takeout ?

Make it Tso!

The captain and the prostitute

A captain of the army goes to a prostitute and asks her :
"Say, madam, for a hundred dollars, would you accept my company ?"
And the prostitute answers : "Of course, a handsome military like you"
The captains thanks her, turns around and shout :
"Company, FORWARD !"

(I hope the joke translates well)

Capt joke, The captain and the prostitute

Why did Captain Kirk take such a long time in the washroom?

Because he was fighting the Klingons.

what did the captain say when the navigator complained they were off course?

don't give me that latitude

Why did Captain Hook cross the road?

To get to the second hand shop

What did Captain Kirk find at the end of the rainbow?


Capt joke, What did Captain Kirk find at the end of the rainbow?

What is Captain Picard's favourite gaming device?


"This is your Captain speaking..."

"...if you look out of your window you will see a small yellow life raft floating in the sea. I am talking to you from there."

What is Captain Hook's favorite kind of humor?

Dead Pan.

What's Captain Hook's favourite kind of shop?

The second hand shop.

You can explore capt earth reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean capt colonel dad jokes. There are also capt puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.

Captain America's shield was made of Adamantium. What was Hawkeye's shield made of?


Captain Ahab is like G.W. Bush

They're both violent men that have a revenge fantasy against a cheap source of oil.

"Captain, have you ever made love at sea?"

"No son, but I've been blown ashore many a time."

In "Captain Sully", technically speaking, Tom Hanks did not fly a plane on to the Hudson River

That was falling with style

I capture lions for a living...

I guess you could say I take pride in my work.

Capt joke, I capture lions for a living...

A captain and his crew...

A crew mate runs to his captain "Captain! Captain! There is an enemy ship on the horizon! What do we do?" The captain replies "Grab me my red shirt." "Why?" The crew mate asks. "So that my crew doesn't see me bleeding from the battle." The captain replies. Another guy runs up "Captain! Captain! I have an update there are 7 more ships what should I do?" "Go get me my brown pants."

Why doesn't Captain Picard have an iPhone

He already has an android, and it came with a data plan.

How did Captain Hook die?

He wiped with the wrong hand

captain mexico

Always trying to take captain america's job.

I was captured by a pimp and forced to become a prostitute

It was whore-ifying

What does Captain Jack Sparrow do when he has back pain?

Pilates of the Caribbean.

What does Captain America and Spain have in common?

A horrific Civil War

What does captain Picard say when he's getting frisky with a woman?

The captain's log... is ready for entry

Why didn't Captain Nemo get any Christmas presents?

Because he was on the Nautilus...

This is your captain speaking


Captain Picard meets Jethro Tull, the inventor (not the band) and says

"Make it sew, number one"

Captain Morgan now facing sexual assault accusations. Local authorities asking victims one question.

Have you had a little Captain in you?

The Captain of the Titanic heard a massive crunch.

But that was just the tip of the iceberg.

What is Captain Kirk's least favorite type of nut?


What is Captain Kirk's least favorite movie genre?


Captain Kirk actually has 3 ears.

The first is the left ear, the second is the right ear, and then there's the final frontier.

What do you use to capture a Parallelogram?

A Trapezoid.

What does Captain Kirk do on the toilet ?

He makes a Captain's log

I was captured and tortured by an mime

He did unspeakable things to me

Why did Captain Kirk's girlfriend break up with him?

Because he Shatner face.

Captain Hook is claiming that he was sexually assaulted by his first mate some years ago.

It's a classic case of he said, Smee said.

A captain was flying over a mental hospital...

...when suddenly he started laughing vigorously.

"What's so funny?" Asked the co-pilot.

The captain answered: "I'm just imagining their faces when they realize I'm not there anymore"

After Captain America died, The Incredible Hulk inherited the mantle.

He renamed himself 'The Star-Spangled Banner'.

Where did Captain Hook get his hook ?

The second-hand store.

The captain of Titanic said i have bad news and i have good news, which one do you want to hear first? They said give us the good news. Captain said

We will get 11 Oscars!

What is Captain Kirks most hated pie?


What do Captain Kirk and Mister Spock do to get their baggage up to their hotel room?

Tell a porter.

The captain of a cruise ship tells to the passengers and the crew..

- Dear ones, I have a good and a bad announcement to make.
Which one do you want to hear first?

- "The good one".

- We're going for 14 Oscars!

Did you know Captain Kirk had three ears?

A right ear, a left ear, and a final front ear

Captain Marvel wasn't the first standalone female superhero...

Iron man was, because he's Fe-Male

Captain, we need to get the safest part of the storm


Captain Crunch, Tony the Tiger, and the Trix Rabbit were found dead recently

The police concluded that this is the work of a Cereal Killer.

The Captain said I didn't see you at camouflage training this morning Private Jones! ...

Thank you very much The Private replied.

How did captain hook die?

His balls itched.

What did the captain if the Titanic do when he found out the ship hit an iceberg?

He let it sink in.

Captain Jean-Luc Picard needed to mend his torn uniform, but his old Singer was broken. So he took it down to the repair shop...

...and said, "make it sew."

What did Capt. Ahab's son write on his father's cast?

Get whale soon"

Captain Hook ordered a new prosthetic hand online.

It was off the hook

What is Captain Hook's least favorite social media site?


Where does Captain Hook buy his hooks?

At the second hand store.

A captain notices a light in the distance, on a collision course with his ship.

He turns on his signal lamp and sends, Change your course, 10 degrees west.

The light signals back, Change yours, 10 degrees east.

The captain gets a little annoyed. He signals, I'm a US Navy captain. You must change your course, sir.

The light signals back, I'm a Seaman First Class. You must change your course, sir.

Now the captain is mad. He signals, I'm an aircraft carrier. I'm not changing my course.

The light signals back a final message: I'm a lighthouse. Your call.

When your canals don't work like they used to before, And I can't sweep past by your fleet, Will your cargo still remember the haste that I drove? Will your passage be blocked up for weeks?

'Cause, honey, your hull will always go slow, it's evergreen.

\~Capt. Ed Sheeran

What is the name of the captain of a boat made of cork?


Sorry, this came to me as I was falling asleep.

Where did Captain Hook buy his hook?

From a second-hand store

What is Captain Hook's least favorite online trend?


Captain Kirk and Spock are chatting one day...

Kirk: " Spock you always remain so calm and even handed when talking with people who are obviously less intelligent than you. How do you do it? "

Spock: " Well Captain I simply agree with whatever they say."

Kirk: " What? That's absolutely ridiculous! "

Spock: " I completely agree Jim. "


Why does Captain Kirk's wife smell?

Because, William Shatner.

Captan Kirk & Today's Shuttle Launch

If William Shatner really wanted to go where no man had gone before , He should have just used the associates bathroom At the Amazon distribution center.

How did the captain of the Millennium Falcon satisfy himself before he met Leia?

With his Hans, Solo

Why does Captain Kirk only have sex with virgins?

He boldly goes where no man has gone before.

How does captain Jean-Luc Picard excuse himself from a conversation with Will Riker so he can use the restroom?

I have to go, Number One.

What did captain kirk's music teach put on his report card?

He's having trouble with the trebles

Omg Capt. Marvel exploded

De brie everywhere

Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the capt cross jokes and puns are jokes supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, are mean or racist, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become bullying and inappropriate.

We suggest to use only working capt borrow piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.

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