Candy Jokes

Following is our collection of funnies and chistes working better than reddit. They include Candy puns, dirty or clean gags suitable for kids, that are actually fun like the best witze.

The Best jokes about Candy

I dropped my knife and cut off a toe

After the surgery to reattach it, the doctor comes in.

Doctor: I have some good news and bad news.

Me: Tell me the bad news first doc.

Doctor: The bad news is they mistook a piece of candy for your toe.

Me: No way. Whats the good news?

Doctor: The good news is the surgery was successful.

Me: What are you trying to say?

Doctor: You now have a Tic-Tac toe.

I went trick or treating as Gandhi and kept all of my candy in a hat

And when someone tried to take the candy from my hat i told them "My hat my candy"

A woman was arrested for bringing her own popcorn, candy, and soda to the movie theater.

She was fined and had to pay court fees, but the good news is she still came out a few bucks ahead from if she would have bought the popcorn at the theater.

What do Jewish pedophiles say?

Hey kid, want to buy some candy?

A coworker told me I was a pedophile and said I probably had a van that said "Free Candy" on the side.

I told him that would be pointless. My target demographic can't read yet.

I steal candy bars using slight of hand...

You could say I have a few Twix up my sleeve

A local theater was just robbed of $286 the other day...

...The thieves stole one large drink, a large popcorn, and a candy bar.

The use of capitals can really change the meaning of a sentence

Example:

I like to eat candy

I like to eat capitals

How do you spell candy with two letters?

C and Y

Man it's nuts today, I've killed over a dozen zombies and I have one question:

Why were they all holding bags of candy?

Capitalization can really change a sentence.

For example:
I love to eat candy.
I love to eat capitalization.

An alcoholic walks into a candy store...

The alcoholic looks around and after a while the storekeeper says "Can I help you with anything?"

The alcoholic replies "Yeah, got any liquor?"

"Well, I'm not sure but there is this"

"What is that?"

"It's liquor-ish"

I almost got busted for shoplifting candy today...

But I got out of it. I've got a couple of twix up my sleeve.

A woman sees her son shoving candy into his mouth.

"Stop it" she said, "You shouldn't eat so much candy at once."

"Why?" her son replied.

"Because, if you eat too much candy at once, your stomach will grow bigger, and bigger, and finally it will explode!"

The boy is frightened by the image of his stomach exploding, so he stops eating candy.



The next day, the boy and his mom go to church, and the boy sits down next to a very pregnant woman. The boy looks closely at her stomach, then up to her face, and finally he says to the pregnant woman, "I know what you've been doing."

I'm a pro at shoplifting candy bars. How, you ask?

I got a few Twix up my sleeve.

I tried to steal candy from a newborn baby, but he slapped my hand away.

Turns out he wasn't born yesterday.

A joke told by an old man.

I was speaking to an old man at the grocery store yesterday when he told me something interesting about the olden days of america.

Old man: Son, back in the day my mother could give me a dollar and I could run to the store and get myself a candy bar and a soda pop, and still have money left over to buy the milk my mom asked me to get.

Me: Sucks you can not do that today!

Oldman: Yeah, I know son! Now a days, there is just way to much security . . .

Kids today are way too expensive. Now days they want iPads and PlayStations.

They used to just get in the van if you offered them candy.

I remember when I was a kid, I could go to the store with $1 and come home with 3 bags of chips, 2 candy bars, 6 packs of now or laters, and an ice cold drink.

Nowadays, they got cameras everywhere.

What did the Jewish pedophile say to the kid?

Would you like to buy some candy?

It was only after I'd shot the fifth zombie...

...that I started to wonder why they were all carrying little bags of candy with them.

A strange van pulls up to a 12 year old boy walking down the street...

The man in the van holds out a bag of candy and says, "hey kid, if I give you a piece of candy will you come in my van?"

To that the kid replies, "I'll come in your mouth if you give me the whole bag."

A movie theater was robbed of $150 worth of candy

The thieves took 2 bags of M n' Ms and a small soda

Did you hear about the Jewish pedophile?

He said "Hey, kid. Can I sell ya some candy?"

When I was a kid, you could walk into a gas station with a $1 bill and leave with a bag of chips, a candy bar, and a coke.

Now, they have cameras everywhere.

I know a guy who collects candy canes...

...they are all in mint condition.

A psychologist addresses three mothers, telling them that he brought each of them there to reflect their life addictions.

To the first mother he says, "You have an addiction to sweets, as you named your daughter Candy."

To the second mother he says, "You have an addiction to gambling and money, hence your daughter is named Penny."

And before the psychologist could approach the final mother, she grabs her son by the arm and says "Come on, Richard, we're leaving."

Candy is like virginity

It's easy to take from a child

What did the Jewish paedophile say to the young boy?

Hey kid, wanna buy some candy?

A grandfather and his grandson in the supermarket

A woman in a supermarket is following a grandfather and his badly behaved three-year-old grandson. It's obvious to her that he has his hands full with the child screaming for candy in the candy aisle, cookies in the cookie aisle and for cereal and soda in the other aisles.

Meanwhile, Granddad is working his way around, saying in a controlled voice: "Easy, William, we won't be long, easy, boy."

Another outburst, and she hears the granddad calmly say: "It's OK, William, just a couple more minutes and we'll be out of here. Hang in there, boy."

At the checkout, the little terror is throwing items out of the cart, and Granddad says again in a controlled voice: "William, William, relax buddy, don't get upset. We'll be home in five minutes; stay cool, William."

Very impressed, the woman goes outside where the grandfather is loading his groceries and the boy into the car. She says to the elderly gentleman: "It's none of my business, but you were amazing in there. I don't know how you did it. That whole time, you kept your composure, and no matter how loud and disruptive he got, you just calmly kept saying things would be OK. William is very lucky to have you as his grandpa."

"Thanks," said the grandfather, "but I'm William. The little shit's name is Kevin."

An emotionally unstable man walks into a 7-11

He browses the candy section and decides to buy a Snickers bar. His total is $1.29. He pays with a $20 bill and tells the cashier to keep whatever is leftover.

"Are you sure?" The cashier says.

"I don't like change." the man replies.

Billy has 32 candy bars. He eats 28. What does he have now?

Diabetes.
Billy has diabetes.

A little boy walks into his local corner store...

He goes in with his weekly allowance from his parents, usually to get a candy bar or something. But this time, to the cashier's surprise he brings up a bottle of laundry detergent. "What do you need this for, kid?" asks the cashier. The young boy explains how his dog is filthy and needs a bath. The cashier explains to him, that it is a terrible idea and may even kill the dog. The kid listens to the advice, but proceeds and buys it anyways. A week or so later, the kid goes into the store and brings a candy bar up to the counter. The cashier rings him up and asks "Hey, so is your dog alright?" to which the little boy replies "no, he died". The cashier tells him, "I told you it was a bad idea to clean him with laundry detergent!" and the little boy replies, "I don't think it was the detergent that did it, I think it was the rinse cycle."

It was at the end of the school year,

and a kindergarten teacher was receiving gifts from her pupils.

The florist's son handed her a gift. She shook it, held it overhead, and said, "I bet I know what it is. Some flowers." "

That's right" the boy said, "but how did you know?"

"Oh, just a wild guess," she said.

The next pupil was the candy shop owner's daughter.

The teacher held her gift overhead, shook it, and said, "I bet I can guess what it is. A box of sweets."

"That's right, but how did you know?" asked the girl.

"Oh, just a wild guess," said the teacher.

The next gift was from the son of the liquor store owner. The teacher held the package overhead, but it was leaking. She touched a drop of the leakage with her finger and touched it to her tongue.

"Is it wine?" she asked.

"No," the boy replied, with some excitement.

The teacher repeated the process, taking a larger drop of the leakage to her tongue.

"Is it champagne?" she asked.

"No," the boy replied, with more excitement.

The teacher took one more taste before declaring, "I give up, what is it?"

With great glee, the boy replied, "It's a puppy!"

Thank god for dollar shave club

Now I can afford to put razors in all the Halloween candy.

Is it Scotch?

For Christmas, the children brought gifts for their teacher.
The supermarket manager's daughter brought the teacher a basket of assorted fruit.
The florist's son brought the teacher a bouquet of flowers.
The candy-store owner's daughter gave the teacher a pretty box of candy.
Then the liquor-store owner's son brought up a big, heavy box. The teacher lifted it up and noticed that it was leaking a little bit. She touched a drop of the liquid with her finger and tasted it.
"Is it wine?" she guessed.
"No," the boy replied.
She tasted another drop and asked,"Champagne?
"No," said the little boy............."It's a puppy!"

I was on a date and my girl asked me to tell her something sweet.

I said "Candy."

She said "No, I mean, something I'd like."

"Shoes."

"Noooo, something sexy."

"Your sister."

What did the Jewish child molester say to the kid?

Hey kid, do you want to buy some candy?

What is a happy cowboy's favorite candy?

A jolly rancher.

Preventing childhood obesity...

It's as easy as taking candy from a baby.

John Candy offered John Goodman sweets

John: Candy?
John: Nah, I'm good, man.

If athletes get athlete's foot, what do candy makers get?

Tic tac toe

Virginity and candy are a lot a like.

They require minimal force to take from a child.

A Loving Grandpa

A woman in a supermarket is following a grandfather and his badly behaved 3 year-old grandson. It's obvious to her that he has his hands full with the child screaming for sweets in the candy aisle, cookies in the cookie aisle; and for fruit, cereal and soda in the other aisles.

Meanwhile, Grandad is working his way around, saying in a controlled
voice, "Easy, William, we won't be long, easy, boy."

Another outburst, and she hears the granddad calmly say, "It's okay,
William, just a couple more minutes and we'll be out of here. Hang in there, boy."

At the checkout, the little terror is throwing items out of the cart, and Grandad says again in a calm and controlled voice, "William, William, relax buddy, don't get upset. We'll be home in five minutes; stay cool, William."

Very impressed, the woman goes outside where the grandfather is loading his groceries and the boy into the car.

She said to the elderly gentleman, "It's none of my business, but you were amazing in there. I don't know how you did it. That whole time, you kept your composure, and no matter how loud and disruptive he got, you just calmly kept saying that things would be okay.

Grandad smiled, and the woman said, William is very lucky to have you as his grandpa."

"Thanks," said the grandfather, "but I'm William.......the little shit's name is Kevin."

What does a Jewish pedophile say?

Come buy some candy kids!

An old Lady in a nursing home...

An old lady in a nursing home is wheeling up and down the halls in her wheelchair making sounds like she's driving a car.

As she's going down the hall an old man jumps out of a room and says,
'Excuse me, ma'am, but you were speeding. Can I see your driver's license?'

She digs around in her purse a little, pulls out a candy wrapper and hands it to him.

He looks it over, gives her a warning and sends her on her way.

Up and down the halls she goes again.

Then the same old man jumps out of a room and says,
'Excuse me, ma'am, but I saw you cross over the center line back there. Can I see your registration please?'

She digs around in her purse a little, pulls out a store receipt and hands it to him.

He looks it over, gives her another warning and sends her on her way.

She zooms off again, up and down the halls, weaving all over.

As she comes to the old man's room again he jumps out.

He's stark naked and has an erection.

The old lady in the wheelchair looks up and says,
'oh no, not the breathalyzer again!

"Why is that cotton candy talking?"

"Grandma, that's Nicki Minaj"

How do u spell candy w only 2 letters

c and y

If John has 50 candy bars and eats 45, what does John have?

Diabetes. John has diabetes.

If you have 13 candy bars and John eats 9, what does John have?

Type 2 diabetes

My favorite "clean" Jewish jokes

* Q. What's the difference between a Jew and a Canoe?
* A. A canoe will eventually tip

* Q. What does a Jewish pedophile say?
* A. Hey kid want to buy some candy?

* Q. A Jew with an erection walks into a wall, what happens?
* A. Breaks his nose

* Q. How was copper wire invented?
* A. Two Jews fighting over a penny

A woman lost a court case...

and was fined for bringing her own popcorn, coke and candy to a movie theater. Overall, she still saved a considerable amount of money.

Now that the tide pod fad is dying down

lets move onto the cotton candy in the attic.

A mother superior called 3 nuns and asked them to do a sin or something wrong...

The nuns were hesitant because they didn't want to, but the superior said it would be a lesson in confession.

Then a little later, one came back and was crying

"Why? What did you do?" asked the mother superior

"I picked flowers in the garden."

"Ok your sins are forgiven, go drink the holy water."

The nun did as told, then another nun came, she was also crying

"Why? What did you do?"

"I stole a candy from a kid"

"Ok your sins are forgiven, go drink the holy water."

She also did as told...

Then the last nun came, but she was roaring with laughter

"Why? What did you do?" asked the mother superior sternly

"I peed in the holy water!"

A woman is opening presents at her birthday party,

and the first present she picks up is from the local florist, Max. She looks at the box and says, "I bet these are flowers" and Max nods his head. Sure enough, inside the box are flowers.

The second present she picks up is from the local candy shop owner, Molly. She looks at the box and said, "I bet this is candy" and Molly nods her head. Sure enough, inside the box is candy.

The third present she picks up is from the local liquor store owner, Joe. She looks at the box, which is leaking. " I bet this is a bottle of liquor" she says.

"Nope" says Joe.

The woman dabs some of the liquid on her finger and tastes it. "Oh, I know what this is, it's champagne!"

"No" says Joe.

The woman, frustrated, puts the box to her mouth and slurps off as much liquid as she can. "I have no idea. What did you get me, Joe?"







"A puppy."

What's a feminists favorite candy bar?

Hershey

Name three things that come in a little yellow box

Kodak film, Dots candy and Woody Allen.

On the first day of school,

.. the children brought gifts for their teacher. The supermarket manager's daughter brought the teacher a basket of assorted fruit.

The florist's son brought the teacher a bouquet of flowers.

The candy-store owner's daughter gave the teacher a pretty box of candy.

Then the liquor-store owner's son brought up a big, heavy box.

The teacher lifted it up and noticed that it was leaking a little bit… She touched a drop of the liquid with her finger and tasted it.

"Is it wine?" she guessed.
"No," the boy replied.

She tasted another drop and asked,
"Champagne ?"

"No," said the little boy...........

"It's a puppy!"

What's happening in this country? School children dressing like whores...

-and whores dressing like school children. It's a nightmare!
You don't know whether to carry candy or cash.

Use only working piadas for adults and blagues for friends.

Joko Jokes