The Best 64 Candy Jokes
Following is our collection of funny Candy jokes. There are some candy chocolate jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud.
Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these candy halloween candy puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.
Top 10 of the Funniest Candy Jokes and Puns
Thank god for dollar shave club
Now I can afford to put razors in all the Halloween candy.
I dropped my knife and cut off a toe
After the surgery to reattach it, the doctor comes in.
Doctor: I have some good news and bad news.
Me: Tell me the bad news first doc.
Doctor: The bad news is they mistook a piece of candy for your toe.
Me: No way. Whats the good news?
Doctor: The good news is the surgery was successful.
Me: What are you trying to say?
Doctor: You now have a Tic-Tac toe.
It was at the end of the school year,
and a kindergarten teacher was receiving gifts from her pupils.
The florist's son handed her a gift. She shook it, held it overhead, and said, "I bet I know what it is. Some flowers." "
That's right" the boy said, "but how did you know?"
"Oh, just a wild guess," she said.
The next pupil was the candy shop owner's daughter.
The teacher held her gift overhead, shook it, and said, "I bet I can guess what it is. A box of sweets."
"That's right, but how did you know?" asked the girl.
"Oh, just a wild guess," said the teacher.
The next gift was from the son of the liquor store owner. The teacher held the package overhead, but it was leaking. She touched a drop of the leakage with her finger and touched it to her tongue.
"Is it wine?" she asked.
"No," the boy replied, with some excitement.
The teacher repeated the process, taking a larger drop of the leakage to her tongue.
"Is it champagne?" she asked.
"No," the boy replied, with more excitement.
The teacher took one more taste before declaring, "I give up, what is it?"
With great glee, the boy replied, "It's a puppy!"
My favorite "clean" Jewish jokes
* Q. What's the difference between a Jew and a Canoe?
* A. A canoe will eventually tip
* Q. What does a Jewish pedophile say?
* A. Hey kid want to buy some candy?
* Q. A Jew with an erection walks into a wall, what happens?
* A. Breaks his nose
* Q. How was copper wire invented?
* A. Two Jews fighting over a penny
A strange van pulls up to a 12 year old boy walking down the street...
The man in the van holds out a bag of candy and says, "hey kid, if I give you a piece of candy will you come in my van?"
To that the kid replies, "I'll come in your mouth if you give me the whole bag."
If John has 50 candy bars and eats 45, what does John have?
Diabetes. John has diabetes.
Did you hear about the Jewish pedophile?
He said "Hey, kid. Can I sell ya some candy?"
Billy has 32 candy bars. He eats 28. What does he have now?
Diabetes.
Billy has diabetes.
What did the Jewish child molester say to the kid?
Hey kid, do you want to buy some candy?
A little boy walks into his local corner store...
He goes in with his weekly allowance from his parents, usually to get a candy bar or something. But this time, to the cashier's surprise he brings up a bottle of laundry detergent. "What do you need this for, kid?" asks the cashier. The young boy explains how his dog is filthy and needs a bath. The cashier explains to him, that it is a terrible idea and may even kill the dog. The kid listens to the advice, but proceeds and buys it anyways. A week or so later, the kid goes into the store and brings a candy bar up to the counter. The cashier rings him up and asks "Hey, so is your dog alright?" to which the little boy replies "no, he died". The cashier tells him, "I told you it was a bad idea to clean him with laundry detergent!" and the little boy replies, "I don't think it was the detergent that did it, I think it was the rinse cycle."
A grandfather and his grandson in the supermarket
A woman in a supermarket is following a grandfather and his badly behaved three-year-old grandson. It's obvious to her that he has his hands full with the child screaming for candy in the candy aisle, cookies in the cookie aisle and for cereal and soda in the other aisles.
Meanwhile, Granddad is working his way around, saying in a controlled voice: "Easy, William, we won't be long, easy, boy."
Another outburst, and she hears the granddad calmly say: "It's OK, William, just a couple more minutes and we'll be out of here. Hang in there, boy."
At the checkout, the little terror is throwing items out of the cart, and Granddad says again in a controlled voice: "William, William, relax buddy, don't get upset. We'll be home in five minutes; stay cool, William."
Very impressed, the woman goes outside where the grandfather is loading his groceries and the boy into the car. She says to the elderly gentleman: "It's none of my business, but you were amazing in there. I don't know how you did it. That whole time, you kept your composure, and no matter how loud and disruptive he got, you just calmly kept saying things would be OK. William is very lucky to have you as his grandpa."
"Thanks," said the grandfather, "but I'm William. The little shit's name is Kevin."
You can explore candy taffy reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean candy snicker dad jokes. There are also candy puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.
A local theater was just robbed of $286 the other day...
...The thieves stole one large drink, a large popcorn, and a candy bar.
What does a Jewish pedophile say?
Come buy some candy kids!
Man it's nuts today, I've killed over a dozen zombies and I have one question:
Why were they all holding bags of candy?
Capitalization can really change a sentence.
For example:
I love to eat candy.
I love to eat capitalization.
What is a happy cowboy's favorite candy?
A jolly rancher.
I almost got busted for shoplifting candy today...
But I got out of it. I've got a couple of twix up my sleeve.
An alcoholic walks into a candy store...
The alcoholic looks around and after a while the storekeeper says "Can I help you with anything?"
The alcoholic replies "Yeah, got any liquor?"
"Well, I'm not sure but there is this"
"What is that?"
"It's liquor-ish"
What did the Jewish pedophile say to the kid?
Would you like to buy some candy?
Preventing childhood obesity...
It's as easy as taking candy from a baby.
What do Jewish pedophiles say?
Hey kid, want to buy some candy?
A psychologist addresses three mothers, telling them that he brought each of them there to reflect their life addictions.
To the first mother he says, "You have an addiction to sweets, as you named your daughter Candy."
To the second mother he says, "You have an addiction to gambling and money, hence your daughter is named Penny."
And before the psychologist could approach the final mother, she grabs her son by the arm and says "Come on, Richard, we're leaving."
A joke told by an old man.
I was speaking to an old man at the grocery store yesterday when he told me something interesting about the olden days of america.
Old man: Son, back in the day my mother could give me a dollar and I could run to the store and get myself a candy bar and a soda pop, and still have money left over to buy the milk my mom asked me to get.
Me: Sucks you can not do that today!
Oldman: Yeah, I know son! Now a days, there is just way to much security . . .
How do you spell candy with two letters?
C and Y
How do u spell candy w only 2 letters
c and y
A movie theater was robbed of $150 worth of candy
The thieves took 2 bags of M n' Ms and a small soda
Virginity and candy are a lot a like.
They require minimal force to take from a child.
"Why is that cotton candy talking?"
"Grandma, that's Nicki Minaj"
A coworker told me I was a pedophile and said I probably had a van that said "Free Candy" on the side.
I told him that would be pointless. My target demographic can't read yet.
I steal candy bars using slight of hand...
You could say I have a few Twix up my sleeve
I know a guy who collects candy canes...
...they are all in mint condition.
Candy is like virginity
It's easy to take from a child
What did the Jewish paedophile say to the young boy?
Hey kid, wanna buy some candy?
It was only after I'd shot the fifth zombie...
...that I started to wonder why they were all carrying little bags of candy with them.
An emotionally unstable man walks into a 7-11
He browses the candy section and decides to buy a Snickers bar. His total is $1.29. He pays with a $20 bill and tells the cashier to keep whatever is leftover.
"Are you sure?" The cashier says.
"I don't like change." the man replies.
John Candy offered John Goodman sweets
John: Candy?
John: Nah, I'm good, man.
If athletes get athlete's foot, what do candy makers get?
Tic tac toe
Kids today are way too expensive. Now days they want iPads and PlayStations.
They used to just get in the van if you offered them candy.
A woman was arrested for bringing her own popcorn, candy, and soda to the movie theater.
She was fined and had to pay court fees, but the good news is she still came out a few bucks ahead from if she would have bought the popcorn at the theater.
I was on a date and my girl asked me to tell her something sweet.
I said "Candy."
She said "No, I mean, something I'd like."
"Shoes."
"Noooo, something sexy."
"Your sister."
The use of capitals can really change the meaning of a sentence
Example:
I like to eat candy
I like to eat capitals
I tried to steal candy from a newborn baby, but he slapped my hand away.
Turns out he wasn't born yesterday.
I remember when I was a kid, I could go to the store with $1 and come home with 3 bags of chips, 2 candy bars, 6 packs of now or laters, and an ice cold drink.
Nowadays, they got cameras everywhere.
A woman sees her son shoving candy into his mouth.
"Stop it" she said, "You shouldn't eat so much candy at once."
"Why?" her son replied.
"Because, if you eat too much candy at once, your stomach will grow bigger, and bigger, and finally it will explode!"
The boy is frightened by the image of his stomach exploding, so he stops eating candy.
The next day, the boy and his mom go to church, and the boy sits down next to a very pregnant woman. The boy looks closely at her stomach, then up to her face, and finally he says to the pregnant woman, "I know what you've been doing."
When I was a kid, you could walk into a gas station with a $1 bill and leave with a bag of chips, a candy bar, and a coke.
Now, they have cameras everywhere.
I went trick or treating as Gandhi and kept all of my candy in a hat
And when someone tried to take the candy from my hat i told them "My hat my candy"
I'm a pro at shoplifting candy bars. How, you ask?
I got a few Twix up my sleeve.
[negotiating candy with a 3 year old]
**Me:** we can split this 50/50
**3yo:** 60/50
**Me:** that's not how math works...
**3yo [narrows eyes]:** 80/50
I always get Halloween and Valentine's Day confused.
They're both about candy and being something you're not.
What are Karen's favorite candy?
Entitle-mints
Little Sally comes home from school munching on a big bag of candy...
Her mother says, "Where'd you get the money for that!?"
Sally laughs and says, "Little Johnny bet me five dollars I couldn't climb up the flag pole! I did it, and I won!"
Her mother shakes her head. "You dummy! He was just trying to get a peek at your panties!"
"Oh no!" Little Sally says, embarrassed.
But the next day, she comes home with two bags of candy.
Her mother says, "Did Little Johnny pay you to climb the flag pole again!??"
"Yes!" says Little Sally. "But I sure fooled him! I didn't even wear any panties!"
I went on a cruise once, and we were hit by a gigantic wave, and the boat sank.
I woke up on a sugar sand beach, with gigantic cotton candy clouds filling the sky, and the sea glistened under the setting sun like a pool of honey, next to me was a volleyball that looked like a marshmallow. Towering above me was a gigantic volcano that looked like an upside down ice cream cone.
It was then that my worst fears were realized, that I was trapped on a dessert Island.
i once found a vampire in my hotel so i stabbed it with a wooden stake, shined my flashlight at it and threw holy water at it. died instantly.
still don't know why it had a bucket of candy tho.
I saw my son eating chocolate even after I confiscated all his Halloween candy. I asked him where he got that from.
He said, "I always have a few Twix up my sleeve."
It was a tough Halloween this year..
I staked 5 vampires, beheaded 3 zombies and exorcised 8 ghosts.
Then the wife came out screaming something about
"No, no you give them candy!!!"
What do a pistol and candy have in common?
When you pull them out of your backpack suddenly everyone at school wants to be your friend.
Threw out all the leftover holiday candy
Didn't want any more of it to go to waist.
What do you call a candy cow that doesn't work?
Milk duds!
I knew a guy who collected candy canes,
they were all in mint condition.
A Russian boy asks his dad for 1000 rubles to buy some candy from the store
His dad replies 1000 rubles? 1600 rubles is way too much to spend on candy. How much candy can 2300 rubles even buy?
If Johnny has 10 candy bars and he eats 7 what does he have?
Diabetes
Did you hear about the guy who invented Life Savers Candy?
They say he made a mint.
So today I went to eat a candy cane but it broke when I unwrapped it
Guess it wasn't in mint condition
Did you hear about the candy magician?
He's got a couple of twix up his sleeve
Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the candy candy corn jokes and puns are jokes supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, are mean or racist, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become bullying and inappropriate.
We suggest to use only working candy cotton candy piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.