Candy Jokes
153 candy jokes and hilarious candy puns to laugh out loud. Read food jokes about candy that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Looking for a treat this Halloween? Look no further than these hilarious candy jokes for your spooky celebrations! From cotton candy and sour lifesavers to Twix and taffy, these jokes will make you laugh out loud. No fancy costumes needed, just grab your favorite candy and prepare for a good chuckle.
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Funniest Candy Short Jokes
Short candy jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The candy humour may include short lollipop jokes also.
- I stabbed a vampire, beat zombies to death and killed devil itself... my wife rushes through the room and shouts, "YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO GIVE THEM CANDIES, FRANK"
- I went trick or treating as Gandhi and kept all of my candy in a hat And when someone tried to take the candy from my hat i told them "My hat my candy"
- A Russian boy asks his dad for 1000 rubles to buy some candy from the store His dad replies 1000 rubles? 1600 rubles is way too much to spend on candy. How much candy can 2300 rubles even buy?
- A local theater was just robbed of $286 the other day... ...The thieves stole one large drink, a large popcorn, and a candy bar.
- The use of capitals can really change the meaning of a sentence Example:
I like to eat candy
I like to eat capitals - Man it's nuts today, I've killed over a dozen zombie and I have one question: Why were they all holding bags of candy?
- I saw my son eating chocolate even after I confiscated all his Halloween candy. I asked him where he got that from. He said, "I always have a few Twix up my sleeve."
- Capitalization can really change a sentence. For example:
I love to eat candy.
I love to eat capitalization. - I almost got busted for shoplifting candy today... But I got out of it. I've got a couple of twix up my sleeve.
- I always get Halloween and Valentine's Day confused. They're both about candy and being something you're not.
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Candy One Liners
Which candy one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with candy? I can suggest the ones about jelly beans and chocolate.
- I steal candy bars using slight of hand... You could say I have a few Twix up my sleeve
- I stole a stripper's kid. It was like taking baby from a Candi.
- How do you spell candy with two letters? C and Y
- I'm a pro at shoplifting candy bars. How, you ask? I got a few Twix up my sleeve.
- I know a guy who collects candy canes... ...they are all in mint condition.
- Candy is like virginity It's easy to take from a child
- Did you hear about the candy magician? He's got a couple of twix up his sleeve
- What is a happy cowboy's favorite candy? A jolly rancher.
- I knew a guy who collected candy canes, they were all in mint condition.
- Preventing childhood obesity... It's as easy as taking candy from a baby.
- What are Karen's favorite candy? Entitle-mints
- John Candy offered John Goodman sweets John: Candy?
John: Nah, I'm good, man. - If athletes get athlete's foot, what do candy makers get? Tic tac toe
- Virginity and candy are a lot a like. They require minimal force to take from a child.
- "Why is that cotton candy talking?" "Grandma, that's Nicki Minaj"
Candy Bar Jokes
Here is a list of funny candy bar jokes and even better candy bar puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- I remember when I was a kid, I could go to the store with $1 and come home with 3 bags of chips, 2 candy bars, 6 packs of now or laters, and an ice cold drink. Nowadays, they got cameras everywhere.
- When I was a kid, you could walk into a gas station with a $1 bill and leave with a bag of chips, a candy bar, and a coke. Now, they have cameras everywhere.
- Billy has 32 candy bars. He eats 28. What does he have now? Diabetes.
Billy has diabetes. - If John has 50 candy bars and eats 45, what does John have? Diabetes. John has diabetes.
- What's the best part about being an orphan? All your chips and candy bars are family sized.
- If you have 13 candy bars and John eats 9, what does John have? Type 2 diabetes
- What's a feminists favorite candy bar? Hershey
- How does a candy bar laugh? It snickers
- Bob has 69 candy bars. He eats 42 of them and then stops eating. What does he have now? Diabetes.
- Today my girlfriend asked me; if I was a candy bar, which candy bar would I be? I said "Big Hunk. Because not many people like me, especially when they're not expecting my nuts in their mouth"
Halloween Candy Jokes
Here is a list of funny halloween candy jokes and even better halloween candy puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- I swapped the wrappers around on my wife's Halloween candy. She didn't appreciate the joke at all. Now she's got her Snickers in a Twix over it.
- Thank god for dollar shave club Now I can afford to put razors in all the Halloween candy.
- It was a tough Halloween this year.. I staked 5 vampires, beheaded 3 zombies and exorcised 8 ghosts.
Then the wife came out screaming something about
"No, no you give them candy!!!" - Driving I was out driving on Halloween and I hit a cat, I think it was dressed like a cat. It could have been a piñata for all I know because there was candy everywhere.
- There are three certainties in life: Death, taxes, and Halloween candy assortments will always include one candy that ruins the bag.
- Do we even need Halloween anymore? I've been wearing a mask and eating candy for 14 months...
- How does a feminist ask for Halloween candies? Trigger Treat.
- With a wheelchair, everyday is Halloween! Children are scared of you, adults try to guess what you are, and the elderly just give you candy!
Paraphrased from the wonderful Zach Anner - I didn't have any candy at Halloween... So I gave out my antidepressants.
It made the kids happy, but it was a real downer for me. - Halloween is coming up. This is the best time to teach your kids about taxes and social security... Take away 30% of their Halloween candy and promise them you'll give part of it back in 70 years!
Candy Day Jokes
Here is a list of funny candy day jokes and even better candy day puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Kids today are way too expensive. Now days they want iPads and PlayStations. They used to just get in the van if you offered them candy.
- [OC] In my day we used to use subliminal advertising to sell candy. And, buy gum, it worked!
- Kids these days have it real easy. There weren't as many paedophiles in my day. I had to buy my own candy.
- Back in the days a dollar could get me... A pack of gum, some candy, 2 sodas, 4 pack of chips. Today..well the got cameras everywhere.
- Side chicks are getting leftover Halloween candy for Valentine's Day Why'd you give me ghost shaped candy?
Cuz you my BOO - A candy bar a day Keeps the diabeetus in play
- I lost my teeth eating candy at the wrong time of day Just as her husband got home
- My friend got drunk on Candy the other day. He said it was liquor-ish
- Why did the pig give his girlfriend a box of candy? It was Valenswine's Day.
- $1 doesn't care as far as it used to. Back in my day, I was able to go to the store and get 2 bags of chips, 3 candy bars, and a soda.
Nowadays, they have cameras everywhere.
Cotton Candy Jokes
Here is a list of funny cotton candy jokes and even better cotton candy puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Now that the tide pod fad is dying down lets move onto the cotton candy in the attic.
- Why was the cotton candy singing? Grandma, hush, that's Nicki Minaj
- You will never see a black clown at the circus... Because they are busy picking cotton candy.
- Why do black people hate the world fairs? To be honest I don't know. Iam too busy enjoying the cotton candy , cruises , and auctions!
- Last night I dreamed about eating a huge cotton candy. When I woke up, my pillow was missing.
- What has Ferris wheels, cotton candy, and delicious fried food? That's a fair question
- Why didn't Donald Trump address the Veterans in the rain? Have you ever seen what happens to cotton candy when it gets wet?
- Grandma: "Why is that dumb piece of cotton candy talking."
Me: "Grandma, thats Nikki Minaj." - If you think tidepods are good.. try the cotton candy in the attic!
- Conundrum for a black person. Watermelon flavored cotton candy.
Sour Candy Jokes
Here is a list of funny sour candy jokes and even better sour candy puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- I hate sour candy that has to be coated twice before consumed It's so retarted.
- What did the normal candy say to the sour candy? Why so sourious?
Fun-Filled Candy Jokes to Make You and Your Friends Chuckle & Giggle
What funny jokes about candy you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean sugar jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make candy pranks.
I dropped my knife and cut off a toe
After the surgery to reattach it, the doctor comes in.
Doctor: I have some good news and bad news.
Me: Tell me the bad news first doc.
Doctor: The bad news is they mistook a piece of candy for your toe.
Me: No way. Whats the good news?
Doctor: The good news is the surgery was successful.
Me: What are you trying to say?
Doctor: You now have a Tic-Tac toe.
It was at the end of the school year,
and a kindergarten teacher was receiving gifts from her pupils.
The florist's son handed her a gift. She shook it, held it overhead, and said, "I bet I know what it is. Some flowers." "
That's right" the boy said, "but how did you know?"
"Oh, just a wild guess," she said.
The next pupil was the candy shop owner's daughter.
The teacher held her gift overhead, shook it, and said, "I bet I can guess what it is. A box of sweets."
"That's right, but how did you know?" asked the girl.
"Oh, just a wild guess," said the teacher.
The next gift was from the son of the liquor store owner. The teacher held the package overhead, but it was leaking. She touched a drop of the leakage with her finger and touched it to her tongue.
"Is it wine?" she asked.
"No," the boy replied, with some excitement.
The teacher repeated the process, taking a larger drop of the leakage to her tongue.
"Is it champagne?" she asked.
"No," the boy replied, with more excitement.
The teacher took one more taste before declaring, "I give up, what is it?"
With great glee, the boy replied, "It's a puppy!"
A strange van pulls up to a 12 year old boy walking down the street...
The man in the van holds out a bag of candy and says, "hey kid, if I give you a piece of candy will you come in my van?"
To that the kid replies, "I'll come in your mouth if you give me the whole bag."
Name three things that come in a little yellow box
Kodak film, dots candy and w**... Allen.
A recently divorced couple were in court
battling over the custody of their child.
The mother spoke first, ranting and raving about what a terrible father her ex husband had been.
The judge asks the father if he had any comments.
The father simply replied:
"If I place a quarter in a gum-ball machine, who get to keep the candy? Me or the gum-ball machine?"
What did the Jewish child m**... say to the kid?
Hey kid, do you want to buy some candy?
A little boy walks into his local corner store...
He goes in with his weekly allowance from his parents, usually to get a candy bar or something. But this time, to the cashier's surprise he brings up a bottle of laundry detergent. "What do you need this for, kid?" asks the cashier. The young boy explains how his dog is filthy and needs a bath. The cashier explains to him, that it is a terrible idea and may even kill the dog. The kid listens to the advice, but proceeds and buys it anyways. A week or so later, the kid goes into the store and brings a candy bar up to the counter. The cashier rings him up and asks "Hey, so is your dog alright?" to which the little boy replies "no, he died". The cashier tells him, "I told you it was a bad idea to clean him with laundry detergent!" and the little boy replies, "I don't think it was the detergent that did it, I think it was the rinse cycle."
A grandfather and his grandson in the supermarket
A woman in a supermarket is following a grandfather and his badly behaved three-year-old grandson. It's obvious to her that he has his hands full with the child screaming for candy in the candy aisle, cookies in the cookie aisle and for cereal and soda in the other aisles.
Meanwhile, Granddad is working his way around, saying in a controlled voice: "Easy, William, we won't be long, easy, boy."
Another outburst, and she hears the granddad calmly say: "It's OK, William, just a couple more minutes and we'll be out of here. Hang in there, boy."
At the checkout, the little t**... is throwing items out of the cart, and Granddad says again in a controlled voice: "William, William, relax buddy, don't get upset. We'll be home in five minutes; stay cool, William."
Very impressed, the woman goes outside where the grandfather is loading his groceries and the boy into the car. She says to the elderly gentleman: "It's none of my business, but you were amazing in there. I don't know how you did it. That whole time, you kept your composure, and no matter how loud and disruptive he got, you just calmly kept saying things would be OK. William is very lucky to have you as his grandpa."
"Thanks," said the grandfather, "but I'm William. The little s**...'s name is Kevin."
So there's this magical mountain...
...where people jump off, and land in a pool of whatever they yell. There are three chicks, a brown-haired girl, and brunette, and a blonde. The brown-haired girl jumps, and yells "CANDY!", and lands in a huge pool of candy. The brunette jumps off and yells "MONEY!", and lands in a pool of money. The blonde jumps and yells "CANNONBALL!".
Why did Jesus go to a Candy shop?
To Test a Mint
I have a theory that consuming little bits of peanut butter encased in colored candy shells provokes silly rhymes.
I call it my Reeces Pieces Thesis.
.
.
.
.
I'll see myself out.
Zombie Apocalypse has begun...
Man, it's hectic out there. I've killed like 6 zombies already. How's everyone else holding up? Anyone know why they all have bags of candy?
An alcoholic walks into a candy store...
The alcoholic looks around and after a while the storekeeper says "Can I help you with anything?"
The alcoholic replies "Yeah, got any liquor?"
"Well, I'm not sure but there is this"
"What is that?"
"It's liquor-ish"
You Are What Your Eat
I used to love the candy Nerds, but I stopped eating them when I realized that for me, it was basically cannibalism.
What is h**...'s least favorite candy?
Jujubes.
A psychologist addresses three mothers, telling them that he brought each of them there to reflect their life addictions.
To the first mother he says, "You have an addiction to sweets, as you named your daughter Candy."
To the second mother he says, "You have an addiction to gambling and money, hence your daughter is named Penny."
And before the psychologist could approach the final mother, she grabs her son by the arm and says "Come on, Richard, we're leaving."
A joke told by an old man.
I was speaking to an old man at the grocery store yesterday when he told me something interesting about the olden days of america.
Old man: Son, back in the day my mother could give me a dollar and I could run to the store and get myself a candy bar and a soda pop, and still have money left over to buy the milk my mom asked me to get.
Me: s**... you can not do that today!
Oldman: Yeah, I know son! Now a days, there is just way to much security . . .
How do u spell candy w only 2 letters
c and y
A movie theater was robbed of $150 worth of candy
The thieves took 2 bags of M n' Ms and a small soda
What did the Jewish p**... say to the young boy?
Hey kid, wanna buy some candy?
Whats a gay guy with a f**...'s favorite candy?
Mentos
It was only after I'd shot the fifth zombie...
...that I started to wonder why they were all carrying little bags of candy with them.
An emotionally unstable man walks into a 7-11
He browses the candy section and decides to buy a Snickers bar. His total is $1.29. He pays with a $20 bill and tells the cashier to keep whatever is leftover.
"Are you sure?" The cashier says.
"I don't like change." the man replies.
An old mountaineer and his ex-wife...
were fighting over custody of their kids. The mother protested that since she brought her kids into this world, she should retain custody of them. The judge asked the old mountaineer for his side of the story. After a long moment of silence, the mountaineer rose from his chair and asked, "Judge, when I put a quarter in a candy machine and a candy bar comes out, does it belong to me or the machine?"
Enjoying music is like eating candy.
The first thing you do is throw away the rapper.
What's happening in this country? School children dressing like w**......
-and w**... dressing like school children. It's a nightmare!
You don't know whether to carry candy or cash.
A woman was arrested for bringing her own popcorn, candy, and soda to the movie theater.
She was fined and had to pay court fees, but the good news is she still came out a few bucks ahead from if she would have bought the popcorn at the theater.
I was on a date and my girl asked me to tell her something sweet.
I said "Candy."
She said "No, I mean, something I'd like."
"Shoes."
"Noooo, something s**...."
"Your sister."
A woman lost a court case...
and was fined for bringing her own popcorn, coke and candy to a movie theater. Overall, she still saved a considerable amount of money.
I tried to steal candy from a newborn baby, but he slapped my hand away.
Turns out he wasn't born yesterday.
A woman sees her son shoving candy into his mouth.
"Stop it" she said, "You shouldn't eat so much candy at once."
"Why?" her son replied.
"Because, if you eat too much candy at once, your stomach will grow bigger, and bigger, and finally it will explode!"
The boy is frightened by the image of his stomach exploding, so he stops eating candy.
The next day, the boy and his mom go to church, and the boy sits down next to a very pregnant woman. The boy looks closely at her stomach, then up to her face, and finally he says to the pregnant woman, "I know what you've been doing."
When I was a kid I could go to the store with only $5 and come home with bread, milk, hotdogs and my favorite candy. You can't do that these days...
Too many d**... security cameras.
The plane turbine says to the candy...
"What kind of music do you listen to?"
The candy says "Oh, I'm into rap. What about you?"
The turbine says "I'm a big heavy metal fan."
The stripper got an abortion
It was like taking baby from a Candy
I remember a time where you could walk into the gas station with a quarter and leave with a candy bar and a coke.
Now there are cameras everywhere.
[negotiating candy with a 3 year old]
**Me:** we can split this 50/50
**3yo:** 60/50
**Me:** that's not how math works...
**3yo [narrows eyes]:** 80/50
who is the best candy (w)rapper?
Eminem!
Little Sally comes home from school munching on a big bag of candy...
Her mother says, "Where'd you get the money for that!?"
Sally laughs and says, "Little Johnny bet me five dollars I couldn't climb up the flag pole! I did it, and I won!"
Her mother shakes her head. "You d**...! He was just trying to get a peek at your p**...!"
"Oh no!" Little Sally says, embarrassed.
But the next day, she comes home with two bags of candy.
Her mother says, "Did Little Johnny pay you to climb the flag pole again!??"
"Yes!" says Little Sally. "But I sure fooled him! I didn't even wear any p**...!"
What does candy do when you tell it a joke?
It Snickers.
The saying shouldn't be "It's like taking candy from a baby"
Have you ever actually taken candy from a baby? They scream. It should be "it's like taking veggies from a baby"
I went on a cruise once, and we were hit by a gigantic wave, and the boat sank.
I woke up on a sugar sand beach, with gigantic cotton candy clouds filling the sky, and the sea glistened under the setting sun like a pool of honey, next to me was a volleyball that looked like a marshmallow. Towering above me was a gigantic volcano that looked like an upside down ice cream cone.
It was then that my worst fears were realized, that I was trapped on a dessert Island.
My wife and I were arguing about who has better self control. "Clearly me," she says, "For example. I put a candy bar on my desk on Monday and it hasn't moved an inch"
"That's nothing!" I retorted. "All six times I ate it I put a new candy bar on your desk exactly where you left it."
I once killed six zombies and nine vampires
I still wonder why they were carrying bags of candy....
i once found a vampire in my hotel so i stabbed it with a wooden stake, shined my flashlight at it and threw holy water at it. died instantly.
still don't know why it had a bucket of candy tho.
What do a p**... and candy have in common?
When you pull them out of your backpack suddenly everyone at school wants to be your friend.