candy Jokes

funny candy pick up lines and hilarious candy puns

I dropped my knife and cut off a toe

After the surgery to reattach it, the doctor comes in.

Doctor: I have some good news and bad news.

Me: Tell me the bad news first doc.

Doctor: The bad news is they mistook a piece of candy for your toe.

Me: No way. Whats the good news?

Doctor: The good news is the surgery was successful.

Me: What are you trying to say?

Doctor: You now have a Tic-Tac toe.


A woman was arrested for bringing her own popcorn, candy, and soda to the movie theater.

She was fined and had to pay court fees, but the good news is she still came out a few bucks ahead from if she would have bought the popcorn at the theater.


As I approach 50, my wife suggested I get myself one of those high performance penis enlargers...

So I have.

She's 25 and her name is Candy.


What do Jewish pedophiles say?

Hey kid, want to buy some candy?


A coworker told me I was a pedophile and said I probably had a van that said "Free Candy" on the side.

I told him that would be pointless. My target demographic can't read yet.


I steal candy bars using slight of hand...

You could say I have a few Twix up my sleeve


A local theater was just robbed of $286 the other day...

...The thieves stole one large drink, a large popcorn, and a candy bar.


How are you all holding up? It's crazy out there!

I've killed at least fifteen zombies so far!

- Why the fuck are they all carrying candy?!


The use of capitals can really change the meaning of a sentence


I like to eat candy

I like to eat capitals


A little boy gets $5 for his birthday

He runs with it to the candy store and asks for $5 worth of candy.

The man behind the counter asks, do you really think it's wise to spend all your birthday money on candy?

The little boy thinks about it for a moment and replies, well, my grandpa did live to be 94...

By eating candy everyday? Asks the man, astounded.

No, replies the little boy, by minding his own goddamn business.


How do you spell candy with two letters?

C and Y


A child is sitting on a park bench, stuffing his face with candy. A middle-aged man walks by, and says to the boy with disgust...

..."Boy, you'll rot your teeth and your mind eating sweets like that."

The boy replies "well, my grandfather lived to 109."

"By eating candy like that?" asks the man.

"No," says the boy. "By minding his own fucking business."


Man it's nuts today, I've killed over a dozen zombies and I have one question:

Why were they all holding bags of candy?


Capitalization can really change a sentence.

For example:
I love to eat candy.
I love to eat capitalization.


A little boy and an old man are sitting on a park bench...

...The little boy unwraps a candy bar and eats it. Then he eats a second one. And a third, fourth and fifth.

The old man, watching this, says "You shouldn't be eating so many candy bars. You will ruin your teeth and get fat."

The little boy responded, "My Grandfather lived to be 102 years old."

The old man replied "Did your Grandfather eat 5 candy bars every day?"

The little boy said, "No, he minded his own fucking business."


An alcoholic walks into a candy store...

The alcoholic looks around and after a while the storekeeper says "Can I help you with anything?"

The alcoholic replies "Yeah, got any liquor?"

"Well, I'm not sure but there is this"

"What is that?"

"It's liquor-ish"


I'm a magician of sorts. I steal candy bars using sleight of hand.

You could say I have a few Twix up my sleeve.


Little Tony

Little Tony was sitting at a park bench eating candy bars. Sitting across from him on anither bench is a man. He walks over to Little Tony and says

"Don't you know you're gonna get fat eating that many candy bars?"

Little Tony says "Well my grandpa lived to be one hundred and four."

The man said "really, by eating six candy bars at a time?

Little Tony shakes his head and says

"No, he minded his own fucking business!"


I almost got busted for shoplifting candy today...

But I got out of it. I've got a couple of twix up my sleeve.


I'm turning 50 tomorrow and my wife suggested I get myself one of those high performance penis enlargers, so I did...

She's 22 and her name is Candy...


Sitting on a park bench

One day a kid was sitting on a park bench eating one candy bar after another.

An older man walks up and notices the young boy and says, "you shouldn't be eating all those candy bars, they aren't good for you."

The young boy looks at the man and replies, "did you know my grandad lived to be a 108 years old?"

The man replies, "well did he eat candy bars every day?"

And the kid replied, "no, he minded his own fucking business."


I tried to steal candy from a newborn baby, but he slapped my hand away.

Turns out he wasn't born yesterday.


A joke told by an old man.

I was speaking to an old man at the grocery store yesterday when he told me something interesting about the olden days of america.

Old man: Son, back in the day my mother could give me a dollar and I could run to the store and get myself a candy bar and a soda pop, and still have money left over to buy the milk my mom asked me to get.

Me: Sucks you can not do that today!

Oldman: Yeah, I know son! Now a days, there is just way to much security . . .


Jack and Jill

Jack and Jill went up the hill so Jack can lick her candy.

But Jack got a shock with a mouth full of cock.

Because Jill's real name is Randy.


Little Johnny is walking through a park...

When a man in a van pulls up to him and says "Hey kid, I'll give you a piece of candy if you come in my van"

Little Johnny looks at him and says "Shit man, give me the whole bag of candy, and I'll come in your mouth"


A little boy was sitting on a park bench eating candy bars...

A little boy was sitting on a park bench eating candy bar after candy bar. A man sat down beside him and said, "You know you really shouldn't eat all those candy bars. They're bad for you." The little boy said, "My great grandpa lived to be 103". The man said, "Did he eat loads of candy bars?". The little boy said "No, he just minded his own fucking business".


Kids today are way too expensive. Now days they want iPads and PlayStations.

They used to just get in the van if you offered them candy.


A kid is sitting on the sidewalk eating candy

and next to him is a big bag full of nothing but candy, and hes just eating, and eating. A man passing by sees him and tells him, "Son, you shouldn't eat all that candy. It's not good for your teeth." The kid looks up at the man and says, "My grandfather lived to be 100." Surprised, the man asks, "Oh, he ate a lot of candy?" The kid replies, "No, he minded his own fucking business."


Little Tony was sitting on a park bench

munching on one candy bar after another.

After the 6th candy bar, a man on the bench across from him said,
"Son, you know eating all that candy isn't good for you. It will give
you acne, rot your teeth, and make you fat.

Little Tony replied, "My grandfather lived to be 107 years old."

The man asked, "Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time?"

Little Tony answered, "No, he minded his own fucking business."


What did the Jewish pedophile say to the kid?

Would you like to buy some candy?


It was only after I'd shot the fifth zombie...

...that I started to wonder why they were all carrying little bags of candy with them.


A strange van pulls up to a 12 year old boy walking down the street...

The man in the van holds out a bag of candy and says, "hey kid, if I give you a piece of candy will you come in my van?"

To that the kid replies, "I'll come in your mouth if you give me the whole bag."


What do Jewish pedophiles say to kids?

Hey, wanna buy some candy?


A boy is sitting on a park bench eating candy bar after candy bar after candy bar...

And a jogger stops and says to the boy "Hey kid, you know it's bad for you to sit there eating candy bar after candy bar after candy bar right?" The kid replies "Hey Mister, my grandpa lived to be 97 years old!" The man says "Really? Did he sit there eating candy bar after candy bar after candy bar just like you?" The boy replies "No, but he minded his own fucking business! "


A movie theater was robbed of $150 worth of candy

The thieves took 2 bags of M n' Ms and a small soda


What are the best Candy puns ?

Did you ever wanted to be joking with someone about Candy? Well, here are the best Candy dad jokes to laugh out loud. Crazy funny pranks and Candy pick up lines to share with friends.

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