Candle Light Jokes
58 candle light jokes and hilarious candle light puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about candle light that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Funniest Candle Light Short Jokes
Short candle light jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The candle light humour may include short candlelight jokes also.
- When it gets cold in Ireland, we all sit round a candle. And when it gets REALLY cold, we light it.
- What do winter solstice and a candle have in common? They both bring light to the darkness.
- when I was growing up the winters were rough, my dad made us huddle round only a single candle. if he was feeling generous he would even light it.
- My mother-in-law just called and said that she suspects smelling gas, asking what she should do.
I told her: you're such a wonderful and religious person, you should light a candle and pray. - What does a miser do when it gets cold? He huddles around a candle.
What does he do when it gets *really* cold?
He lights the candle. - On this day i always light a candle to mark the anniversary of my wifes death It really freaks her out
- What's the Primary Directive in a nunnery (convent) ? Lights out at nine, candles out at ten ...
- Q: How many Anglicans or Catholics does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. They always use candles.
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Candle Light One Liners
Which candle light one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with candle light? I can suggest the ones about candle and christmas lights.
- How did communists light their homes before candles? with light bulbs
- What did Britons use to light their homes before candles? Electricity.
- What did soviet russians use for lighting before they started using candles? Electricity.
- I searched on eBay for something to light my candles with... It said, "No matches found"
- After God created 24 hours of alternating darkness and light, one of the angels asked him, "what are you going to do now?" God said,
"I think I'm going to call it a day." - What did socialists use before candles? Light bulbs.
- What did the people of Venezuela use to light their homes before candles? Electricity.
- Just Googled "how to light a candle" Got 50 million matches
- Q. What did the Syrians use to light their homes before candles? A. Electricity.
- New rule at the convent Lights out by 10. Candles out by 11.
- I tried to light a candle... but that idea went down in flames.
- I hate when people use candles to light up their rooms It's not the brightest idea
- How to make a survivable atmosphere on mars You light a candle and play smooth jazz
- What's the curfew at an all girls school? Lights out by 10, candles out by 10:30
- What did commies war to light their houses before candles? Light bulbs.
Candle Light Funny Jokes And Hilarious Puns.
What funny jokes about candle light you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean candle making jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make candle light pranks.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A circus owner walked into a bar to see everyone crowded around a table watching a little show. On the table was an upside down p**... and a duck tap dancing on it. The circus owner was so impressed that he offered to buy the duck from its owner. After some wheeling and dealing, they settled for $10,000 for the duck and the p**.... Three days later the circus owner runs back to the bar in anger, "Your duck is a rip-off! I put him on the p**... before a whole audience and he didn't dance a single step!" "So?," asked the duck's former owner, "did you remember to light the candle under the p**...?"
A young monk arrives at a monastery...
and is assigned to be a scribe. While patiently copying his first text, he notices that all the scribes are copying from copies, not the original texts. He tells this to the head monk, and he replies "My son, we have been doing this for generations. The original texts are kept safe in the basement. If you wish to see them yourself, you have my permission."
So, the eager young monk decides to see the original texts himself. However, after he disappears into the dark basement, he is not seen for hours and hours. Finally, the head monk decides to go down to see what's going on.
By the dim light of a single candle, he sees the young monk stooped over an ancient tome, sobbing uncontrollably. When the head monk asks what's the matter, the young monk turns around and whimpers:
"It said celebrate! *Celebrate*!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Larry was not a good gift giver.
Every time he gave his wife a gift for Christmas, her birthday, or their anniversary, she complained about what a sucky gift it was. She was starting to get angry.
"Larry, the next time you give me a bad gift, I will light it on fire!"
A week later was Larry's wife's birthday. She came down to see only one small box. She sighed and went to go get a lighter. She opened up the present. It was a candle.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I went to my girlfriend's house last night for a romantic night in...
It was amazing, we had a three course meal with champagne over candle light, we then snuggled up on the sofa, to watch a movie, then, when we went up stairs, I let her get changed, while I spread rose petals over the bed, then, we had the most amazing, mind blowing s**... that I've ever had, but just as I was about to finish, her parents walked in...
I am now banned from babysitting.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
How many hipsters does it take to change a light bulb?
Three. Two to complain about it and one to light an organic scented candle.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
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Rocking s**...
Two elderly residents, one male and one female, were sitting alone in the lobby of their nursing home one evening.
The old man looked over and said to the old lady, "I know just what you're wanting, and for hundred bucks I'll have s**... with you right over there in that rocking chair."
The old lady looked surprised, but didn't say a word.
The old man continued, "For 300 bucks I'll do it with you on that nice soft sofa over there, but for 500 bucks I'll take you back to my room, light some candles, and give you the most romantic evening you've ever had in your life."
The old lady still says nothing, but after a couple minutes, starts digging down in her purse. She pulls out a wrinkled 500 note and holds it up.
"So you want the nice romantic evening in my room," says the old man.
"Get serious," she replies. "I want it five times in the rocking chair!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
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Three men die on Christmas Eve and go to heaven
Where they are met by Saint Peter.
"In order to get in," he tells them, " you must each produce something representative of the holidays."
The first digs through his pocket and pulls out a match and lights it.
" this represents a candle of hope." Impressed, Peter allows the first man through.
The second man pulls out a tangle of keys and shakes them.
" these are bells." He says. Peter allows him through also.
" so," Peter says to third man, " what do you have?"
The third man proudly shows him a pair of red p**....
" what do those have to do with Christmas?" Asks Peter.
" they're Carol's"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
D&D Jokes
Some jokes I've picked up for my Jester character:
* A human, a half orc, and an elf walk into a bar. The dwarf walks under it.
* Two gnolls are sitting in the woods eating lunch. One says "Man, i hate my wife" and the other one says "Then just eat the salad".
* What do you call a ranger without an animal companion? A v**....
* What do you call 1 gnome at the bottom of the ocean? a problem
What do you call 10 gnomes at the bottom of the ocean? a problem
What do you call 1000 gnomes at the bottom of the ocean? a problem
What do you call EVERY SINGLE GNOME IN THE UNIVERSE at the bottom of the ocean? problem solved.
* What did the courier say when asked what his favorite armor type is? "I'm a mail man"
* How many Paladins does it take to light a candle? Two, one to light the wick, and another to "uphold the light".
* Why are monks the best lovers? Flurry of Blows.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Today's youth are getting worse.
I was in a church yesterday, when I saw a guy lighting a cigarette from the candle. I was so shocked, that I dropped my beer bottle.
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Entrance to Heaven
Three men die on Christmas Eve and go to heaven, where they're met by Saint Peter. In order to get in, he tells them, you must each produce something representative of the holidays.
The first man digs into his pockets and pulls out a match and lights it. This represents a candle of hope. Impressed, Peter lets him in.
The second man pulls out a tangle of keys and shakes them. These are bells. He's allowed in too.
So, Peter says to the third man, what do you have?
The third man proudly shows him a pair of red p**....
What do these have to do with Christmas? asks Peter.
They're Carol's.
Someone asked me if I'm a gentleman.
Yes, yes I am. Holding doors open for people for example. Or when my wife gets home late, I light up some candles, letting some warm water run, add some soap, so she can start doing the dishes as soon as she gets home.
Renting a dirty video
A blonde decides to do something she"s never done before - rent a dirty movie. She drives to the local Video Warehouse and makes here way to the adult section in the back.
After looking around at titles, she selects a something that sounds very stimulating.She drives home, lights some candles, slips into something comfortable, and puts the tape in the VCR.
To her disappointment there"s nothing but static on the screen. She calls the store to complain and says "I just rented an adult movie from you and there"s nothing on the tape, but static"
The clerk apologized about the defective video and asked, "which title did you rent?"
The blonde replied, "it"s called Head Cleaner."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Three man die on Christmas Eve and go to heaven . . .
. . . where they are met by Saint Peter.
''In order to get in,'' He tells them, ''you must each produce something representative of the holidays.''
The first man digs into his pockets and pulls out a match and lights it. '' This represents a candle of hope.'' Impressed, Peter lets him in.
The second man pulls out a tangle of keys and shakes them. ''These are bells.'' He's allowed in too.
''So,'' Peter says to the third man, ''what do you have?''
The third man proudly shows him a pair of red p**....
''What do these have to do with Christmas?'' asks Peter.
''They're Carol's.''
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
How many communists does it take to light a candle?
None - the regime already set fire to their barn
"I just light a candle to make an earthquake stop"
One day on a school in the rurals, the teacher asked her young students what to do during an earthquake.
One student raised her hand and says, be calm,
Another says, go under the desk and put your hand over your head,
The last one said, I just light the candle to make an earthquake stop.
This got the teacher obviously confused and asked how and why.
To which the student replied, there was this one night the house was shaking and I got scared so I immediately lit the candle to see what's going on, but then it stopped shaking..
Four drunk men want to light a cigarette
Four drunk men want to light a cigarette. So they sent one of the four guys to buy matches, he returned without matches and said there were non left. The they sent another one to go and ask for matches from their neighbours, and he also returned empty handed and said that he didn't find any. So one of the men said
"that's it, I'm bored, just put out the candle and let's go to sleep.".
Mrs Rosy Jones was going to the market in New York where she happened to meet Father Patrick.....
Father: "Hey, you are Rosy right? I got you married in New Jersey, when I was posted there".
"Yes Father" Says Rosy.
"How is your husband and the little ones ?"
"Husband is fine but so far, no children".
Father Patrick: "Don't worry, child. I'm going to Rome next week. I will light a candle for you there."
"Thank you, Father Patrick."
After some years, Father Patrick happens to meet Rosy again.
"Hello Rosy, how's everything? Did you have any kids?"
"Yes Father. I have three sets of twins and two singles. Total 8 kids".
"Wow! Where is your husband?"
"Oh, he's hurried to Rome to blow off that candle!".
3 women meet for brunch after a wild night...
1st woman says "girls I got so drunk last night, I went home and blew chunks".
2nd woman says "you think that's bad? After I dropped you two off, I drove home. I was so hammered I ended up driving through my garage door and kept going. Destroyed my garage, my husband says it's going to cost 5 grand to fix".
3rd woman goes "When I got home I decided to take a bath and light some candles. I was so drunk, I passed out, knocked over the candles and ended up burning down my whole house".
1st woman exclaims "You don't understand, Chunks is my dog!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A man and his wife are having trouble conceiving.
They asked a priest who was going to live in Rome to light a candle for them.
A number of years later the priest came back stateside and went to visit the family. The husband was not at home, but the woman was surrounded by children. The priest enquired about the husband, and the wife told him "he went to Rome to try to find you and get you to blow out the b**... candle".
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
How Many Jews Does It Take To Change A Light Bulb?
Who needs a light bulb when you have eight candles? Happy Chanukah, y'all.