Candle Jokes

What are some Candle jokes?

Why couldn't the candle get any sleep?

Because there's no rest for the wicked.

My wife said if I bought her one more stupid present, she would burn it

So I bought her a candle. That showed her.

When it gets cold in Ireland, we all sit round a candle.

And when it gets REALLY cold, we light it.

My Girlfriend told me that if I bought her any more stupid gifts, she would burn it!

So I bought her a candle!

What burns longer, a red or a green candle?

Neither, they both burn shorter.

I'm not saying you are old...

but the candles cost more than your cake.

(I heard this one at a bridge club today)

I went to my girlfriend's house last night for a romantic night in...

It was amazing, we had a three course meal with champagne over candle light, we then snuggled up on the sofa, to watch a movie, then, when we went up stairs, I let her get changed, while I spread rose petals over the bed, then, we had the most amazing, mind blowing sex that I've ever had, but just as I was about to finish, her parents walked in...

I am now banned from babysitting.

Are candles happy or sad when they are put out?

They are delighted.

"Your dad cant hold a candle to what my daddy can do."

"Oh Ya, what does he do?"
"Makes gun powder."

My love for you is like a candle.

If you ignore me I will burn your house down.

Before candles, what did North Korean communists use to light their homes with?

Electricity.

Three men died on Christmas Eve...

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.

"In honor of this holy season" Saint Peter said, "You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven."


The Englishman fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. "It's a candle", he said.

"You may pass through the pearly gates" Saint Peter said.

The Scotsman reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, "They're bells."

Saint Peter said "You may pass through the pearly gates".

The Irishman started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.

St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And just what do those symbolize?"

The Paddy replied, "These are Carols".

There was a fire in the aromatherapy candle factory.

Things are much calmer now.

My love is like a candle

If you don't blow me before bed I'll burn your house down

A synagogue is being audited by the IRS

The auditor was really eager to catch the Rabbi with wasting charity funds.

Auditor - what do you do with the candle drippings?

Rabbi - we collect it and send it back to the candle company. Every once in a while, they send us back new candles.

Auditor - when you're finished eating your matza, what do you do with the crumbs?

Rabbi - we collect it and send it back to the company and every once in a while, they send us back some matza meal.

Auditor - when you perform a circumcision, what do you do with the foreskin?

Rabbi - we collect them and send them back to Washington. Every once in a while they send us back an auditor!

What do you call a fraud in a Candle factory?

A Scandle.

I don't know why, but my vanilla candle isnt working.

It just doesn't make any scents

Why was the candle mad at his friend?

He blew him off.

What did the candle say when it couldn't sleep due to his own candlelight?

There ain't no rest for the wicked

Bank Loan

A young girl, named Patricia Wack, starts a new job as a loan officer at the bank.

A frog walks in an asks her for a loan, she looks at him for a moment amazed that a frog could talk but proceeds professionally.

He needs five hundrded dollars for a new business venture and is willing to offer her a candle stick as collateral.

She is of course surprised by this strange offer of collateral and tells the frog that she's not sure she can approve the loan.

The frog gets upset and demands to see the manager. He says "Do you have any idea who I am? My father is Keith Richards, I deserve this loan!".

Patricia dismisses herself for a moment to go see the manager about this very odd case. She tells him the story and he looks at her for a moment then says "It's a knick-knack Patty Wack, give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone"

My apartment was starting to smell bad so I bought myself a candle.

It just makes scents.

Why was the candle tired?

There's no rest for the wicked!

People always wonder what got me interested in the candle business

I guess it was just common scents

What did one candle say to the other

Will you go out with me tonight?

Today's youth are getting worse.

I was in a church yesterday, when I saw a guy lighting a cigarette from the candle. I was so shocked, that I dropped my beer bottle.

when I was growing up the winters were rough, my dad made us huddle round only a single candle.

if he was feeling generous he would even light it.

Three men die on Christmas Eve and go to heaven

Where they are met by Saint Peter.

"In order to get in," he tells them, " you must each produce something representative of the holidays."

The first digs through his pocket and pulls out a match and lights it.

" this represents a candle of hope." Impressed, Peter allows the first man through.

The second man pulls out a tangle of keys and shakes them.

" these are bells." He says. Peter allows him through also.

" so," Peter says to third man, " what do you have?"

The third man proudly shows him a pair of red panties.

" what do those have to do with Christmas?" Asks Peter.

" they're Carol's"

What did the little candle say to the big candle

I'm going out tonight.

There's no such thing as a candle that has no smell.

It just wouldn't make any scents.

What do you call a candle with guns?

John Wick

A man goes shopping for candles...

He's strolling through Bed Bath and Beyond, when he finally locates the candle section. So many options to pick from, he starts to give them all a good test sniff. As he's smelling more and more candles he wrinkles his brow and remarks to himself "All these candles smell funny..."

So he catches the attention of an employee and asks her, "Ma'am why do all of these candles smell so funny?"

"Well sir, that's our new Scents of Humor line!"

Did you hear about the candle that smells like a mixture of Francis, Benedict, and John Paul?

They call it pope pourri

(I really am sorry)

I was thinking about starting an odorless candle company

But I realized it wouldn't make any scents

Entrance to Heaven

Three men die on Christmas Eve and go to heaven, where they're met by Saint Peter. In order to get in, he tells them, you must each produce something representative of the holidays.

The first man digs into his pockets and pulls out a match and lights it. This represents a candle of hope. Impressed, Peter lets him in.

The second man pulls out a tangle of keys and shakes them. These are bells. He's allowed in too.

So, Peter says to the third man, what do you have?

The third man proudly shows him a pair of red panties.

What do these have to do with Christmas? asks Peter.

They're Carol's.

I swear to god, people these days have no morals whatsoever

I was at church today and some scumbag lit a cigarette with an alter candle, I was so shocked I almost dropped my beer

A Hindu candle company has released a "Nirvana" scented candle.

It smells like teen spirit.

TIL about a method of capital punishment called the Roman Candle. Victims were tied to a stake and covered in a flammable resin. The burning bodies would sometimes be used to provide lighting for evening parties.

Great idea; terrible execution.

3 guys come back late from a night of drinking...

They met for brunch for the next day.

Guy 1: I drank way to much, first thing I did when I got home I blew Chunks...

Guy 2: That's nothing, I wrapped my car around a tree on my way home.

Guy 3: I beat all of you, I was arguing with my wife and knocked a candle over! It destroyed the whole house.

It went silent for a minute.

Guy 1: I don't think you guys understand. Chunks is my dog.

So I bought a fragrant candle the other day, but when I lit it nothing happened...

It just didn't make scents.

My girlfriend just told me our love is like an eternal candle....

If you forget about me, I burn your house down.

My friends say I'm like a candle.

If you forget I exist, so help me God, I'll burn your house down.

Got these off a Laffy Taffy

Kristine O., New Bedford, MA

Where does Scrooge go to in New York City?

The Grumpire State Building!


Sandra M., Dekalb, IL (And this one doesn't even make any sense)

What did the cake say to the candle?

You're burning my back.


Why does Laffy Taffy allow these kids to write jokes?

Candle Holders

So I'm at a store looking for some candle holders.. But the store has run out of candle holders...

So I bought a cake.

What does a miser do when it gets cold?

He huddles around a candle.

 

What does he do when it gets *really* cold?

 

He lights the candle.

How many superstitious people does it take to screw in a light bulb?

None, they light a candle because they're stuck in the dark ages.

What did the man say when he sat on a candle?

Fire in the hole!

I found a "Fresh Baked Bread" scented candle

I bought it because I love the smell of fresh bread. But when I lit it, it smelled like toast.

Three man die on Christmas Eve and go to heaven . . .

. . . where they are met by Saint Peter.

''In order to get in,'' He tells them, ''you must each produce something representative of the holidays.''

The first man digs into his pockets and pulls out a match and lights it. '' This represents a candle of hope.'' Impressed, Peter lets him in.

The second man pulls out a tangle of keys and shakes them. ''These are bells.'' He's allowed in too.

''So,'' Peter says to the third man, ''what do you have?''

The third man proudly shows him a pair of red panties.

''What do these have to do with Christmas?'' asks Peter.

''They're Carol's.''

2 candles are having a conversation...

...The first one asks, "So, what are you doing tonight?"

The second candle replies, "Going out."

I went out on a blind date with a candle...

It wasn't a good match.

Jack was nimble, Jack was quick, Jack fell onto a candle stick...

And the doctor said "riiiiiiight"

Why Do Candles Give The Best Advice?

They just make scents.

I went to a candle sale event last night.

It was lit.

Makes sense Apple fans would buy a MacBook candle...

...They're already used to the smell of burning synthetic materials and watching their money go up in flames.

Where did the father candle take his son for a trip?

To the Wax Museum.

Why do candles make the perfect gift?

Because they just make *scents*.

Two candles wanted to get high…

They lit up and got low instead.


Happy 4/20!

Someone came up to me and stole my candle

I was incensed!

I did some LSD and watched a candle burn all night.

It was wicked.

I tried to light a candle...

but that idea went down in flames.

How many hipsters does it take to change a light bulb?

Three. Two to complain about it and one to light an organic scented candle.

If you like blowing candles on your birthday, what does that make you?

A gay candle.

Two candles meet

Candle 1: "Hey what are you doing tonight"
Candle 2: "I'm going out"

A local candle shop burned down...

it didnt help that everyone stood outside and sang happy birthday

Candle sex and dirty talk goes hand in hand with....

Mr Myagi and wax on wax offο»Ώ. ;->

How many Venezuelans does it take to change a candle?

Two. One to change it, and the other to stand in line all day to buy the new candle.

Candlelight is romantic until...

Candlelight is romantic until she realizes your electricity has been shut off.

The Buddhist idea of Nirvana literally translates to "Blown Out"

Typically in reference to something like a candle, but occasionally to Kurt Cobain's brains.

If I was a candle...

...and somebody dumped a bucket of water on me, I'd be quite put out.

Smell that patchouli candle? Now you're naked, i'm going to massage this lavender oil into your shoulders, then stroke your curves with these lemon grass strands...

It should be quite homeo-erotic

How to make Candle jokes?

We have collected gags and puns about Candle to have fun with. Do you want to stand out in a crowd with a good sense of humour joking about Candle? If Yes here are a lot more hilarious lines and funny Candle pick up lines to share with friends.

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