Because there's no rest for the wicked.
So I bought her a candle. That showed her.
And when it gets REALLY cold, we light it.
So I bought her a candle!
Neither, they both burn shorter.
but the candles cost more than your cake.
(I heard this one at a bridge club today)
It was amazing, we had a three course meal with champagne over candle light, we then snuggled up on the sofa, to watch a movie, then, when we went up stairs, I let her get changed, while I spread rose petals over the bed, then, we had the most amazing, mind blowing sex that I've ever had, but just as I was about to finish, her parents walked in...
I am now banned from babysitting.
They are delighted.
"Oh Ya, what does he do?"
"Makes gun powder."
If you ignore me I will burn your house down.
Electricity.
Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.
"In honor of this holy season" Saint Peter said, "You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven."
The Englishman fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. "It's a candle", he said.
"You may pass through the pearly gates" Saint Peter said.
The Scotsman reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, "They're bells."
Saint Peter said "You may pass through the pearly gates".
The Irishman started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.
St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And just what do those symbolize?"
The Paddy replied, "These are Carols".
Things are much calmer now.
If you don't blow me before bed I'll burn your house down
The auditor was really eager to catch the Rabbi with wasting charity funds.
Auditor - what do you do with the candle drippings?
Rabbi - we collect it and send it back to the candle company. Every once in a while, they send us back new candles.
Auditor - when you're finished eating your matza, what do you do with the crumbs?
Rabbi - we collect it and send it back to the company and every once in a while, they send us back some matza meal.
Auditor - when you perform a circumcision, what do you do with the foreskin?
Rabbi - we collect them and send them back to Washington. Every once in a while they send us back an auditor!
A Scandle.
It just doesn't make any scents
He blew him off.
There ain't no rest for the wicked
A young girl, named Patricia Wack, starts a new job as a loan officer at the bank.
A frog walks in an asks her for a loan, she looks at him for a moment amazed that a frog could talk but proceeds professionally.
He needs five hundrded dollars for a new business venture and is willing to offer her a candle stick as collateral.
She is of course surprised by this strange offer of collateral and tells the frog that she's not sure she can approve the loan.
The frog gets upset and demands to see the manager. He says "Do you have any idea who I am? My father is Keith Richards, I deserve this loan!".
Patricia dismisses herself for a moment to go see the manager about this very odd case. She tells him the story and he looks at her for a moment then says "It's a knick-knack Patty Wack, give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone"
It just makes scents.
There's no rest for the wicked!
I guess it was just common scents
Will you go out with me tonight?
I was in a church yesterday, when I saw a guy lighting a cigarette from the candle. I was so shocked, that I dropped my beer bottle.
if he was feeling generous he would even light it.
Where they are met by Saint Peter.
"In order to get in," he tells them, " you must each produce something representative of the holidays."
The first digs through his pocket and pulls out a match and lights it.
" this represents a candle of hope." Impressed, Peter allows the first man through.
The second man pulls out a tangle of keys and shakes them.
" these are bells." He says. Peter allows him through also.
" so," Peter says to third man, " what do you have?"
The third man proudly shows him a pair of red panties.
" what do those have to do with Christmas?" Asks Peter.
" they're Carol's"
I'm going out tonight.
It just wouldn't make any scents.
John Wick
He's strolling through Bed Bath and Beyond, when he finally locates the candle section. So many options to pick from, he starts to give them all a good test sniff. As he's smelling more and more candles he wrinkles his brow and remarks to himself "All these candles smell funny..."
So he catches the attention of an employee and asks her, "Ma'am why do all of these candles smell so funny?"
"Well sir, that's our new Scents of Humor line!"
They call it pope pourri
(I really am sorry)
But I realized it wouldn't make any scents
Three men die on Christmas Eve and go to heaven, where they're met by Saint Peter. In order to get in, he tells them, you must each produce something representative of the holidays.
The first man digs into his pockets and pulls out a match and lights it. This represents a candle of hope. Impressed, Peter lets him in.
The second man pulls out a tangle of keys and shakes them. These are bells. He's allowed in too.
So, Peter says to the third man, what do you have?
The third man proudly shows him a pair of red panties.
What do these have to do with Christmas? asks Peter.
They're Carol's.
I was at church today and some scumbag lit a cigarette with an alter candle, I was so shocked I almost dropped my beer
It smells like teen spirit.
Great idea; terrible execution.
They met for brunch for the next day.
Guy 1: I drank way to much, first thing I did when I got home I blew Chunks...
Guy 2: That's nothing, I wrapped my car around a tree on my way home.
Guy 3: I beat all of you, I was arguing with my wife and knocked a candle over! It destroyed the whole house.
It went silent for a minute.
Guy 1: I don't think you guys understand. Chunks is my dog.
It just didn't make scents.
If you forget about me, I burn your house down.
If you forget I exist, so help me God, I'll burn your house down.
Kristine O., New Bedford, MA
Where does Scrooge go to in New York City?
The Grumpire State Building!
Sandra M., Dekalb, IL (And this one doesn't even make any sense)
What did the cake say to the candle?
You're burning my back.
Why does Laffy Taffy allow these kids to write jokes?
So I'm at a store looking for some candle holders.. But the store has run out of candle holders...
So I bought a cake.
He huddles around a candle.
What does he do when it gets *really* cold?
He lights the candle.
None, they light a candle because they're stuck in the dark ages.
Fire in the hole!
I bought it because I love the smell of fresh bread. But when I lit it, it smelled like toast.
. . . where they are met by Saint Peter.
''In order to get in,'' He tells them, ''you must each produce something representative of the holidays.''
The first man digs into his pockets and pulls out a match and lights it. '' This represents a candle of hope.'' Impressed, Peter lets him in.
The second man pulls out a tangle of keys and shakes them. ''These are bells.'' He's allowed in too.
''So,'' Peter says to the third man, ''what do you have?''
The third man proudly shows him a pair of red panties.
''What do these have to do with Christmas?'' asks Peter.
''They're Carol's.''
...The first one asks, "So, what are you doing tonight?"
The second candle replies, "Going out."
It wasn't a good match.
And the doctor said "riiiiiiight"
They just make scents.
It was lit.
...They're already used to the smell of burning synthetic materials and watching their money go up in flames.
To the Wax Museum.
Because they just make *scents*.
They lit up and got low instead.
Happy 4/20!
I was incensed!
It was wicked.
but that idea went down in flames.
Three. Two to complain about it and one to light an organic scented candle.
A gay candle.
Candle 1: "Hey what are you doing tonight"
Candle 2: "I'm going out"
it didnt help that everyone stood outside and sang happy birthday
Mr Myagi and wax on wax off๏ปฟ. ;->
Two. One to change it, and the other to stand in line all day to buy the new candle.
Candlelight is romantic until she realizes your electricity has been shut off.
Typically in reference to something like a candle, but occasionally to Kurt Cobain's brains.
...and somebody dumped a bucket of water on me, I'd be quite put out.
It should be quite homeo-erotic
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