Because there's no rest for the wicked.
So I bought her a candle. That showed her.
Because if you forget about me I will burn your fucking house to the ground.
And when it gets REALLY cold, we light it.
So I bought her a candle!
Neither, they both burn shorter.
It was amazing, we had a three course meal with champagne over candle light, we then snuggled up on the sofa, to watch a movie, then, when we went up stairs, I let her get changed, while I spread rose petals over the bed, then, we had the most amazing, mind blowing sex that I've ever had, but just as I was about to finish, her parents walked in...
I am now banned from babysitting.
They are delighted.
"Oh Ya, what does he do?"
"Makes gun powder."
If you ignore me I will burn your house down.
Electricity.
Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.
"In honor of this holy season" Saint Peter said, "You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven."
The Englishman fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. "It's a candle", he said.
"You may pass through the pearly gates" Saint Peter said.
The Scotsman reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, "They're bells."
Saint Peter said "You may pass through the pearly gates".
The Irishman started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.
St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And just what do those symbolize?"
The Paddy replied, "These are Carols".
Things are much calmer now.
If you don't blow me before bed I'll burn your house down
"What is the candle for?" asked the policeman.
I said "You're gonna fuck me anyway. At least let it be romantic."
The auditor was really eager to catch the Rabbi with wasting charity funds.
Auditor - what do you do with the candle drippings?
Rabbi - we collect it and send it back to the candle company. Every once in a while, they send us back new candles.
Auditor - when you're finished eating your matza, what do you do with the crumbs?
Rabbi - we collect it and send it back to the company and every once in a while, they send us back some matza meal.
Auditor - when you perform a circumcision, what do you do with the foreskin?
Rabbi - we collect them and send them back to Washington. Every once in a while they send us back an auditor!
A Scandle.
At the end of the tax year, the IRS sent an inspector to audit the books of a Synagogue. While he was checking the books he turned to the Rabbi and said, 'I notice you have a lot of candles. But according to these records you don't buy them often. How come?
'Good question,' noted the Rabbi. 'We save the candle drippings up and send them back to the candle makers, and every now and then they send us a free box of candles.'
'Oh,' replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer. But on he went:
'What about the matzah purchases? What do you do with the crumbs?'
'Ah, yes,' replied the Rabbi, realising that the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question. 'We collect them and send them back to the manufacturers, and every now and then they send us a free box of matzahs.'
'I see,' replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all Rabbi. 'Well, Rabbi,' he went on, 'what do you do with all the leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?'
'Here, too, we do not waste,' answered the Rabbi...
'What we do is save all the foreskins and send them to the IRS Office, and about once a year they send us a complete dick
A couple want to have children but the wife can't get pregnant
...so they go to see a priest for advice. The priest tells them they came at the right time, since his superior just sent him to Rome for 10 years, and he's leaving tomorrow.
'As soon as I'll get there, I'll immediately light a candle for you,' he promises.
Time passes and the priest returns to the little town after 10 years. The first thing he does is visit the couple's home. He can hear a crazy loud noise when he knocks on the door. The wife opens the door; three little children on her arms, a couple of them hiding under her skirt, and others behind her playing around. The priest counts as many as ten of them!
'Well this is quite a pleasant surprise,' exclaims the priest. 'It seems like God listened to my prayer. But where is your dear husband?'
'My husband traveled to Rome,' says the wife with a tired look on her face.
'To Rome? Why on earth would he go to Rome?'
'To blow out that bloody candle you lit!'
He blew him off.
There ain't no rest for the wicked
A young girl, named Patricia Wack, starts a new job as a loan officer at the bank.
A frog walks in an asks her for a loan, she looks at him for a moment amazed that a frog could talk but proceeds professionally.
He needs five hundrded dollars for a new business venture and is willing to offer her a candle stick as collateral.
She is of course surprised by this strange offer of collateral and tells the frog that she's not sure she can approve the loan.
The frog gets upset and demands to see the manager. He says "Do you have any idea who I am? My father is Keith Richards, I deserve this loan!".
Patricia dismisses herself for a moment to go see the manager about this very odd case. She tells him the story and he looks at her for a moment then says "It's a knick-knack Patty Wack, give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone"
Three gangsters, Vito, Carlo, and Nick are sitting around a table in a fancy restaurant. They've just finished their meal and have ordered some brandy. While they're waiting for the brandy Vito pulls out a cigar and a $50 bill. He sticks of the bill into the flame of the candle in the centre of the table and uses it to light his cigar. Not to be outdone, Carlo pulls out a cigar and does the same thing with a $100 bill. Nick laughs and says, You fucking cheapskates! He then pulls out a cigar, writes a check for $1000 and lights his cigar with it.
It just makes scents.
There's no rest for the wicked!
Its the end of the tax year, its time to do all the taxes. Dave the taxman walks into the Synagogue to discuss the tax returns.
"What do you do with all the excess candle wax that melts? You know, you must burn a lot of candles in here you being Jewish and all?" Dave asks.
"We collect it all up, put it all in a box, send it to the candle company and they send us a big box of them everv year" says the Rabbi.
Dave wanted to check about the bread "So, what do you do with all the bread crumbs that get left over? You must have a lot of crumbs eating all that bread, you being Jewish and all"
"We collect them all up, put them in a box, send it to the bread company and they send us a big box every year" the Rabbi said.
"So what do you do with all the foreskins you get? You must have a lot of foreskins around, you being Jewish and all" Asked Dave
"We collect them all up, put them in a box, send it to the tax company and they send a big dick like you every year!"
I guess it was just common scents
Will you go out with me tonight?
I was in a church yesterday, when I saw a guy lighting a cigarette from the candle. I was so shocked, that I dropped my beer bottle.
A young couple couldn't get pregnant. They tried everything so the wife could conceive including going to the fertility doctor, but nothing worked. Finally, at church one Sunday they asked their priest for advice. The priest told them to go to the Vatican and light a candle. Several years later, the priest decides to pay the couple a visit. He rings the doorbell, and is met by an army of little runts. He asks one of the older boys,
"Where's Mommy?"
"She's at a maternity ward. I'm gonna have a sister" says the boy
"What about Daddy?" asks the priest
"He went to the Vatican to blow out some damn candle."
Where they are met by Saint Peter.
"In order to get in," he tells them, " you must each produce something representative of the holidays."
The first digs through his pocket and pulls out a match and lights it.
" this represents a candle of hope." Impressed, Peter allows the first man through.
The second man pulls out a tangle of keys and shakes them.
" these are bells." He says. Peter allows him through also.
" so," Peter says to third man, " what do you have?"
The third man proudly shows him a pair of red panties.
" what do those have to do with Christmas?" Asks Peter.
" they're Carol's"
You goin' out tonight?
I'm going out tonight.
One day a candle maker in Yorkshire was halfway through making a large batch of red candles.
He had been working without a break for many hours, so his wife bought him a plate of cheese for sustenance.
He was so keen to finish working he ignored the food and continued to be engrossed in his labours.
All of a sudden he let out a mighty sneeze and sent the hot red wax flying.
He opened his eyes, and saw that it had completely covered his cheese supper. He cried out in anguish... EEEE DAMN!
(All credit of this joke goes to my father close to 30 years ago... I believed this was a true story for far longer than I will own up to)
John Wick
Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking with someone about Candle? Well, here are the best Candle dad jokes to laugh out loud. Crazy funny puns and Candle pick up lines to share with friends.