Candidate Jokes
94 candidate jokes and hilarious candidate puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about candidate that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Quick Jump To
- Short Candidate Jokes
- Candidate One Liners
- Democratic Candidate Jokes
- Republican Candidate Jokes
- Libertarian Candidate Jokes
- More Candidate Jokes
Funniest Candidate Short Jokes
Short candidate jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The candidate humour may include short applicant jokes also.
- Our President Elect is a real tough guy... The candidate who was going to "defeat ISIS" is currently at war with Saturday Night Live and a broadway musical.
- Job interview Interviewer: How do you explain this 4 year gap in your resume?
Candidate: I was in Yale.
Interviewer: Congratulations! You are hired.
Candidate: Thank you. I really need this Yob. - Interviewer: What's your strength? Candidate: I fall in love easily.
Interviewer: What's your weakness?
Candidate: Those blue eyes of yours. - The interviewer asked, "Where do you see yourself in five years?" The job candidate responded, " I don't know, I don't have 2020 vision."
Use it while you can, people! - With so many Americans upset with the candidates in the upcoming Presidential election, we should look on the bright side ... ... and please let me know what it is when you've found it.
- Bernie Sanders joins list of 2020 Democratic Presidential candidates. Err sorry, typo. That should be:
Bernie Sanders joins list of 2,020 Democratic Presidential candidates. - If a Republican candidate who is hated by the GOP establishment and loathed by half the country just won the election... ...maybe Hillary should consider running as a Republican!
- so as I went in to vote this morning, an old lady told me to make sure I voted for the candidate that could make change. Boy, is my bank teller going to be surprised!
- Interview for the position of security guard in India Interviewer(in an Indian language) : Do you know English?
Candidate: Are the thieves from England? - Starbucks created a new specialty drink to honor all the candidates running for Congress. It's called the Fullacrappacino
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Candidate One Liners
Which candidate one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with candidate? I can suggest the ones about election and chairman.
- What do you call two clueless, old men. Presidential Candidates
- You know why Superman would be the best candidate for a management position? Supervision.
- What's the most attention grabbing way to advertise a political candidate? Poll dancing
- Interviewer: any experience operating heavy machinery? Candidate: does your mom count?
- What did Voltaire eat for Thanksgiving? Candide yams
- How many Republican candidates does it take to lose a Senate race in Alabama? One Moore.
- Which presidential candidate does Tom Brady support? Whichever can reduce inflation.
- What was the slogan of the pro-reproduction candidate? "Make America Mate Again!"
- What do you call a Presidential candidate giving annilingus? Hickenlooper lickinpooper.
- What is the main position candidate Jim Webb is campaigning on? Debate time reform.
- Mark has several qualities that make him an ideal candidate for cloning He's remarkable
- What said the independent political candidate after getting drunk? I want to party!
- Why do we laugh at female presidential candidates? Because they're Hillary-ous!
- Why Gopal from India always votes for the Republican candidate? Because he is GOP pal!
- Hillary is a great female candidate. She really puts the "Emale" in "Female".
Democratic Candidate Jokes
Here is a list of funny democratic candidate jokes and even better democratic candidate puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Did you hear? If the democratic candidate wins the white house... the president will be taking a pay cut. It works out to be about 22%.
- I like this new Democratic candidate, Pete Buttigieg. Some people think he's not experienced enough... But it's my vote, so I'll Buttigieg of that.
- In honor of the Democratic presidential candidate debate last night ... ... SpaceX decided to demonstrate that they too are feeling the bern.
Republican Candidate Jokes
Here is a list of funny republican candidate jokes and even better republican candidate puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Why are they called jokes? Because calling them republican presidential candidates would make me cry.
Libertarian Candidate Jokes
Here is a list of funny libertarian candidate jokes and even better libertarian candidate puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Libertarian Presidential Candidate's new Campaign, inspired by Bernie Sanders. "Feel the Johnson"
- I can't find a reason to vote for the (D) or (R) candidate for President, and now Libertarian Gary Johnson's campaign slogan, 'Feel the Johnson' just rubs me the wrong way.
- Why don't all Libertarian candidates have dwarfism? I thought Libertarians believed in small government.
Comical Candidate Jokes to Spread Joy and Laughter
What funny jokes about candidate you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean campaign jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make candidate pranks.
Mental institution
There's a mental institution, and they are having a
patient evaluation, to see if any patients need to be there
any longer. The doctor then goes around questioning the top three candidates.
He goes to the first patient and asks him , "What is 3 times 3?"
After an hour of scratching his head, and with a confused look on his face he replies, "Two-hundred!".
"That is incorrect." The doctor responds.
He then asks the next patient."What is 3 multiplied by 3?" After a long period of time the patient
responds, "Thursday!". "That is incorrect replies the doctor.
He then goes to the next patient and asks him, "What is 3 times 3?"
The patient quickly responds, "Nine!". The doctor then says "Correct!,
how did you figure that out?" The patient then responds, "I multiplied, 200 by Thursday and then
I added three!"
Two opposing candidates for county office...
... happened to be sitting next to each other in the local diner.
One turned to the other and said, "You know why I'm going to win this election? Because of my 'personal touch.' For example, I always tip waitresses really well and then ask them to vote for me."
"Oh, really?" replied the other. "I always tip a nickel and ask them to vote for you."
Twelve Italian priests...
...were about to be ordained. The final test was for them to line up in a straight row, totally n**..., in a garden while a s**..., beautiful, big breasted, n**... model danced before them. Each priest had a small bell attached to his manhood, and they were told that anyone whose bell rang when she danced in front of them would not be ordained because he had not reached a state of spiritual purity. The beautiful model danced before the first candidate with no reaction. She proceeded down the line with the same response from all the priests until she got to the final priest, Carlos. Poor Carlos. As she danced, his bell began to ring so loudly that it flew off, clattering across the ground and laid to rest in nearby foliage. Embarrassed, Carlos quickly scrambled to where the bell came to rest.
As he bent over to pick it up… all the other bells started to ring!
A prestigious neurosurgeon calls a plumber to tend to his leaky faucet.
The problem requires an easy fix and the entire job takes less than two minutes. Before leaving, the plumber says, That will be $200.
The surgeon was astonished. He says, I will be candid with you. I am a neurosurgeon and even I don't charge $100 a minute.
The plumber says, Yeah, I know. Before I switched to plumbing, I was a neurosurgeon too."
*During an Interview* Interviewer: 'So how long did were you employed at your last job?'
Candidate: 'I'd say my biggest weakness is my listening skills.'
Job interview
Interviewer: So tell me, what education have you received in all of your past?
Candidate: Well I went to Yale for 4 years.
Interviewer: Yale?! Oh that's great! You've got the job! Just tell me again, what's your name?
Candidate: Yhonny Yohnson!
As an obese man, I think I would make a pretty good presidential candidate.
I too only run once every four years.
The Republicans asked the Democrats what it would take
to stop being considered s**.... The democrats said "Just put forth one presidential candidate who can make a brain surgeon look like an idiot."
I applied for art school
I had no port folio, had never drawn in my life and absolutely no talent.
I was furious when they rejected me because I was the perfect candidate.
Surely if anyone needs lessons it's me!
A man goes to a job interview...
His resume was fantastic and his qualities was perfect for the company. The interviewers were impressed.
"You are a strong candidate, and we would like to hire you. However, there's this 5 years gap in your resume. What were you doing during that time?"
"I went to Yale"
"Wow great! You're hired"
"Yay, I got a yob!"
My brother's now ok with me calling him r**....
All I had to do was tell him that 5 of the 6 presidential candidates are r**....
Why did the Mayor take so long to endorse a Presidential candidate?
Because he was running on CP time.
You know which presidential candidate in 2020 will have the hardest time?
Tom Cotton.
Having to tell black people to "Pick Cotton!" in 2020.
Letter to God
Dear God,
Last week, you took my favorite boxer; Muhammed Ali.
Today, you took my favorite hockey player; Gordie Howe.
I just want to let you know that my favorite candidate is Donald Trump.
An egoist, a feminist and a Socialist walk into a bar...
An egotist, a feminist, and a Socialist walk into a bar.
The bartender overheard their conversation about politics and sarcastically said, "You guys would be great presidential candidates." They took him seriously...
...apparently America did too.
"I can't stand when people say they hate both of the presidential candidates."
--Stephen Hawking
Would you be offended if I said...
Would you be offended if I said that I'm not voting for that white, elitist, pompous, corrupt, egomaniac that's going to ruin our country?
...or would you even know which candidate I'm talking about?
Trump keeps talking about restoring "law and order."
I dunno about you, but I'd rather vote for a candidate who wants to restore Firefly.
How are third party candidates like soccer?
They're only really popular in America once every four years.
Freddy from s**... doo was a candidate for mayor of L.A in the 90s
He ran on splitting up gangs.
Hillary Clinton's recent case of pneumonia just goes to show
There's only one candidate who can dodge a draft.
After interviewing a candidate for an open position, I got an email stating,
" It was a pressure meeting you"
A Trump supporter asked an opponent what the candidate should do for the American taxpayer.
The opponent laughed and said, "How about becoming one himself?"
Third party US presidential candidate Gary Johnson just delivered a crushing blow to the Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton campaigns
By keeping his mouth shut.
A billionaire, a clown, and a presidential candidate walk into a bar...
And the bartender says, "How's it going, Donald?"
PSA: Don't let anyone tell you how to vote. You should vote for the candidate you believe will be most beneficial for the Country.
Whomever she happens to be.
What do you get if you ask a former presidential candidate to write a piece of music about a formula for solving a problem based on a sequence of specified actions?
An algorithm.
I wore my "Gandalf for President" shirt to the comic convention.
It got a lot of support, but some were turned off by my candidate's hard stance on immigration.
How did Donald Trump won with his poor vocabulary?
He's the only candidate that America finally understands..
Former presidential candidate Senator Sanders falls ill. What do you call him?
A sick Bern.
If we can get Al Franken to run for President, with the Green Party candidate as his running mate, my bumper sticker would be...
Franken Stein 2020
Yet another job Interview joke
Interviewer: So what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Candidate: I never know when to quit.
Interviewer: Well that can always be turned to our advantage! Congratulations, you're hired.
Candidate: *I quit*
There was a material election, and glass, wood, and plastic were the candidates.
Glass was becoming the clear winner.
What did the pessimistic and candid mine owner, say to his workers.
Wow! This really blew up. Thanks for the gold.
Interviewer: What are your thoughts about nepotism in a workplace environment?
Candidate: Well, that's a really good question, Dad.
My girlfriend left me because I'm too occupied with my work.
"Well, you've been an excellent candidate," I said.
Did you hear about the presidential candidate who died in an accident while mountain climbing?
Yeah, his opponent won by a landslide!
Unemployment rates at b**... studios are high.
Most candidates are unwilling to learn the ropes.
The pope is just as picky about his music, as he is about his s**... candidates
The key to both is A minor.
A police officer candidate goes for an interview...
The officer says, "Take this p**... and shoot A TALL BLACK GUY AND THREE WHITE RABBITS."
So the candidate asks,"why the three white rabbits?".
Officer"that's the kind of attitude we're looking for. You're selected".
Interviewer: It says here on your resume that you're extremely fast at calculations. What is 25 x 14?
Candidate : 39!
Interviewer: What? That's not even close!
Candidate : Yeah, but it was quick!
Politics joke
Politics are like inlaws..
You somewhat have to pay attention to them to stay in the know and you usually can't stand at least one of the candidates.
So apparently Kanye West is running for president
My question is, will he let the other candidates finish their speeches?
This election is crazy.
One candidate has a Trump card. The other is just Biden his time. There's a lot of Harrisment between the the two of them and I don't think it looks good on either of them, that's just my 2 Pence though.
The Presidential Election will never bring a satisfactory conclusion, there's no flow it's just one candidate that changes the subject constantly,while the other can't perform for too long
we truly have Electile Dysfunction
What do strippers and presidential candidates have in common?
They both go up and down polls
Don't know much about history. Don't know much biology. Don't know much about a science book.
Donald Trump's resume when he applied to be a presidential candidate.
Three men apply for a spy position
Three men apply for a spy position.
Its the final test
Interviewer: "I have your SO in this room. Your mission is to kill them. Here's a gun."
First candidate: " You can't be serious?"
Interviewer: " Then this job is not for you."
Second candidate comes out 5 minutes later: "I can't do this."
Interviewer hears shots fired, screaming and b**... in the last room.
Last candidate: "The gun just had blanks. I had to beat her with the chair."
An interviewer said to the candidate
An interviewer said to the candidate ,"Here we need responsible people whom we can count on"
Candidate: "Oh then I'm perfect for the job; in my last job i was responsible when anything went wrong"
Youtube is introducing a new system of recommending youtube videos
The old system seemed to be biased towards videos of old presidential candidates playing beat and tempo games, so they finally decided to retire the al-gore-rhythm
When my girlfriend and I first got together...
... we had a frank discussion wherein she said she's monogamous. I candidly admitted to her that I am polyamorous. So far we've had a great mono-poly thing going. And the upside is, I own all the railroads!!! And a hotel on Boardwalk!
