Cancer Patient Jokes
76 cancer patient jokes and hilarious cancer patient puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about cancer patient that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Funniest Cancer Patient Short Jokes
Short cancer patient jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The cancer patient humour may include short cancer survivor jokes also.
- So I told my wife she'd look sexier with her hair back Apparently that's not a nice thing to say to cancer patients.
- How many cancer patients does it take to change a light bulb? 1 and 12 people to say how inspiring it was
- What is your zodiac sign? Doctor: What is your zodiac sign?
Patient: Cancer.
Doctor: What a coincidence... - I heard laughter is the best medicine I heard laughter is the best medicine, so I went to the local hospital, found some cancer patients, and laughed at them.
- Doctor: Sir.... Patient: It's MA'AM. I identify as a female
Doctor: Okay Ma'am. You have testicular cancer. - Doctor: I'm afraid you have cancer and alzheimers. Patient: Hey, at least I don't have cancer!
- A doctor is talking to a patient. P: Am I going to be okay?
D: You're as healthy as a horse-
P: YAY!
D: -with cancer. - They say that laughter is the best medicine. Then, why was I kicked out the cancer ward for laughing at the patients?
- What do you call it when a person shaves their head bald to blend in with cancer patients?... Chemoflage
- How many cancer patients does it take to change a lightbulb? Twelve. 1 to change the lightbulb, and 11 to say "Aw, he's so brave".
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Cancer Patient One Liners
Which cancer patient one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with cancer patient? I can suggest the ones about cancer treatment and hospital patient.
- Doctor: You have cancer and Alzheimer's Patient: Atleast Idont have Cancer
- How did the terminal cancer patient do in school? He passed.
- What's the best vitamin for cancer patients? B9
- What did the doctor say to the cancer patient? You have tumor months to live.
- What does kind of treatment does a suicidal cancer patient take? Emotherapy
- How did the cancer patient battle mesothelioma? Asbestos he could!
- What do you call a sad cancer patient? Chemo-sobby (kemosabe)
- How fast does a skydiving cancer patient fall? Terminal velocity.
- Why did the cancer patient go to the clock store? To buy some time.
- What did the doctor said to the lung cancer patients family? He doesn't have lung time.
- What is a cancer patients favorite bingo number? B9
- What does a cancer patient and a teenager would say ? "God, end my suffering"
- What do we call a Thumb War with 2 Cancer Patients? Chemical Warfare.
- I'm about as jealous as a cancer patient watching x-men right now
- What medicine do you give to a depressed cancer patient? Emotherapy.
Silly & Ridiculous Cancer Patient Jokes to Spread Joy & Laughter
What funny jokes about cancer patient you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean doctor and patient jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make cancer patient pranks.
Q: What do you call a family full of cancer patients?
A: Jason Voorhees' relatives.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I can't believe people make jokes about cancer patients with no fathers
Sick b**...
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This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Doctor tells his patient "I have good news and bad news..."
Guy says "what's the bad news?" Doctor says "you have cancer, it's terminal." Guy starts wailing "Ohhh that's terrible! Oh my god! I can't believe it! Well what's the *good* news then?" Doctor says "you see that blonde bombshell receptionist? I'm *f**...'* 'er!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Why did the cancer patient get smacked?
His hand was bigger than his face.
The doctor has some bad news...
A patient goes to see the doctor. The doctor examines him, and then says, "I have bad news. You have cancer, as well as Alzheimer's."
The patient says "well, at least I don't have Alzheimer's."
People dying of starvation in Africa are worse off than western cancer patients right?
So why is my wife getting all the attention while I'm at home starving to death?
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Guy at the doctor's office.....
(Doc)...... "Mr Smith I have both *good* and *bad* news"
(Patient)... "Ok doc, gimme the *bad* news first"
(Doc) - "Well Mr. Smith, I'm afraid you have AIDS"
(Patient) - "Oh NO.....What's the *good* news doc?"
(Doc) - "Your cancer is eating it!!"
Bad news and worse news [Cancer joke]
A patient walks into the doctors office, and the doctor says "I've got some bad news for you, and some even worse news for you. What do you want to hear first?"
The patient, clearly nervous, asks for the bad news first, and the doctor goes "The scan results came back, and you have an incurable form of cancer, and only have a year left to live."
Terrified of what he just learned, and for what could possibly be worse, he asks the doctor for the worse news, and the doctor says "I'm really sorry, but you have also developed a bad case of alzheimers, and it's only going to get worse."
The patient goes silent, staring into the wall, clearly traumatized. After a couple of minutes he says "Well, at least I don't have cancer! :)"
What's a pet name for a cancer patient?
#
Topical Jokes for 9/5/14
(for best results, imagine these being read by your favorite late night host)
In Oregon, a veterinarian discovered 43 socks in a Great Dane's stomach. The dog was taken to the vet when the owner wanted to find out why his sock drawer was growling.
To ward off evil spirits, a woman in India has married a stray dog. The woman's biggest complaint about being married to a dog — is everything.
A new study has determined that wearing a bra, does not cause breast cancer. The study did find that going without a bra, causes cancer of the eyes.
Eminemn has been entered into the Guinness Book of World Records by having nearly 1,500 words in the song Rap God. And only 700 of those were the f-word.
The World Health Organization announced that doctors should use the blood of Ebola survivors to treat other patients. This was in response to the question, What's the best way to spread the Ebola virus?
(Thanks for reading, hope you enjoyed 'em)
A little girl, who is a cancer patient, walks into a local pet store...
...and the little girl asks to the owner who was sitting near the front desk, "Do you guys sell rabbits here?" The owner responds with, "Sorry, but we don't have anymore rabbits. However, we sell hare if you would like some?"
Good news and bad news.
The doctor turns to his patient:
"Well, I have the results of the tests back. It's good news and bad, I'm afraid."
"Okay, what's the bad news?"
"The bad news is you have a rare degenerative condition. Within five years, you'll be confined to bed, unable to control your bowels or feed yourself. You'll have no sense of who you were or where you are. The condition is incurable."
"Oh my God. What's the good news?"
"You have cancer."
Doctor: "I'm afraid it's cancer".
Patient: "Yeah, I'm gonna need to get a second opinion from Jim Carrey."
Request for a months worth of jokes for a cancer patient.
A friend of mine will be in the hospital for a month because of her cancer treatments. We are telling her jokes to cheer her up and were hoping you could help, Thanks.
A Neckbeard Approaches a Cancer Patient at a Bar...
He tips his fedora and says, "Malady."
A doctor says to a patient with cancer "don't worry the world isn't ending...
only yours is"
What's the best part about dating a terminally ill cancer patient?
They are their own birth control
A doctor tells his patient, "I have bad news and I have really bad news."
The patient says "Give me the really bad news first."
The doc responds, "Unfortunately, you have stage 4 cancer, and you'll be dead within a month."
The patient shakes his head, trying to take it all in. "Ok..." he says, "what's the bad news?"
"The bad news," the doctor continues, "is that you have Alzheimer's disease."
"Seriously?!" the patient exclaims. "Well, I guess it could be worse. I could be dying of cancer."
What did the optimistic cancer patient say about his tumor?
It's growing on me.
I told my gf she'd look hotter with her hair back.
Apparently, that is an insensitive thing to say to a cancer patient.
I don't know why she's so upset, I'm the one that's gotta find a new girlfriend.
She has her whole life to get her hair back, I only have 153 days until Valentine's Day.
(Combined 2 jokes I heard plus added the last part).
Doctor: You have cancer and you only have 7 left. Patient: 7 what? 7 years? 7 months?
Doctor: 6, 5, 4, 3 ...
A woman visits her doctor since she has some abdominal pains ...
She thinks she might be pregnant. After the examination, the doctor comes out to see her.
Doctor: *"Well, I hope you like changing diapers."*
Patient: *"Oh my god, are you serious? Am I pregnant?"*
Doctor: *"No, you've got colon cancer."*
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Why can't you beat a cancer patient in a race?
Cause they move at terminal velocity.
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This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What do you call a three-h**... camel?
A cancer patient.
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This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What do you call a female w**... dealer that sells to breast cancer patients?
A Ma'am A' Gram
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Who was the t**... Cancer Patients Favorite Rapper?
Trach
What's a cancer patient who goes to work?
Chemotivated
A cancer patient with a gambling problem must make a decision.
Chemotherapy or Kenotherapy.
What did the barber say to the chemotherapy patient?
You want me to shave your head? Of course I cancer.
How did the terminal cancer patient get a clean bill of health?
He left his hospital bill in his laundry by mistake.
Star sign
Doctor: Choose a star sign.
Patient: Capricorn.
Doctor: Too bad you got cancer
Doctor says " Mr Johnson.." Patient replies "Please , call me Ms Johnson"
Doctor says "ok Ms Johnson, you have prostate cancer"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A doctor is reading out tests results to an elderly patient.
- Sir, the two test results are in and I'm afraid I have bad news. First of all, you have phase 8 terminal metastasized cancer.
- Oh no.. d**..., this is not good.. what else?
- You also have quite a severe case of Alzheimer.
- oh thank god for that! I thought you were going to tell me I had cancer.
A Man Goes to the Doctor
A cancer patient anxiously awaits his doctor, who enters with his test results.
Give it to me straight, doc, he pleads. How long have I got?
Ten, says the doctor.
Ten what? Months? Days? Years? The patient cries.
Oh, I'm sorry, the doctor continues. That was my wife on Bluetooth, asking how many eggs we need. Your cancer is in remission and you should lead a long healthy life.
The patient, ecstatic, runs out into the street, where he is promptly hit by a bus and killed.
A man goes in to his doctor's for an exam and the doctor says, "Well, I have good news and bad news."
The man says, "Give me the bad news first, Doc." The doctor says, "You've got a rare form of cancer. It's incurable and you have three weeks to live." "Oh my God!" says the patient. "After that, I'm glad there's good news. What is it?" The doctor smiles and points and says, "Do you see that good looking nurse over there? Well, I'm sleeping with her."
Doctor visit
A man went to see his doctor for a physical. As the lab results came in the doctor said, "I have your lab results. Don't mind me asking sir, but what's your zodiac sign?" The patient said his zodiac sign is cancer. The doctor said, "well what a coincidence"...
