The Best 75 Cancer Jokes
Following is our collection of funny Cancer jokes. There are some cancer gemini jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud.
Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these cancer cancer patient puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.
Top 10 of the Funniest Cancer Jokes and Puns
A little boy calls his best friend on Christmas day...
HEY! So what did you get for Christmas? The second little boy pauses and says well I got a gift card and a t-shirt…you?
The first little boy excitedly replies Oh man, I got a new scooter, a new 3DS XL. A PS Vita. A new bike and were going to Disneyland on Friday. Can't believe all you got was a gift card and t-shirt! to which the second little boy replies well…at least I don't have cancer…
Did you hear about the testicular cancer survivor who won the lottery?
...when he found out, the guy went nut.
A man gets a call from his doctor.
The doctor tells him that his test results are in and he needs to see him right away.
The next day, the man shows up. He walks into the doctor's office. "Hey. What's the news?"
The doctor sighs and stands up. "Well...the test results are in. I'm afraid you have cancer and onomatopoeia."
The man frowns. "What's onomatopoeia?"
"Exactly what it sounds like."
My grandfather developed cancer in his early twenties.
He is considered to be the most evil scientist that ever lived.
How many cancer patients does it take to change a light bulb?
1 and 12 people to say how inspiring it was
My wife's starsign was Cancer, which is quite ironic really, thinking about how she died...
she was attacked by a giant crab
My dad's sign was cancer. Its so ironic how he died.
He was attacked by a giant crab.
A comfortably old joke
A doctor runs a test on an elderly lady in the hospital and comes in to her room to read her the results.
"I have some bad news, and some more bad news. You have cancer, and you also have Alzheimer's disease"
The woman says "Well at least I don't have cancer."
My cousin's horoscope was Cancer. Funny how she died...
She got eaten by a giant crab
Adam gave Sally 3 flowers and 1 stuffed animal. Kristen gave Sally 5 flowers and 2 stuffed animals. What does Sally have?
cancer.
My wife's star-sign was Cancer, so I guess you could say it was ironic how she died.
Mauled to death by a giant crab.
You can explore cancer workup reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean cancer taurus dad jokes. There are also cancer puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.
Why did Ellen Pao fire an employee with cancer?
She felt threatened by someone more malignant than herself
Okay to tell dead Steve Jobs jokes now?
What's the difference between cancer and the middle class? At least cancer got Jobs.
An old man went to the doctor
The doctor says "I'm afraid I have bad news. You have cancer... And you have alzheimer's."
The old man says "Well, at least I don't have cancer!"
My doctor diagnosed me with cancer and Alzheimer's.
At least it isn't cancer.
How is the 85 year old Contractor that survived lung cancer doing?
Asbestos he can.
I'm so sorry.
What kind of cancer was Jar Jar diagnosed with?
Meesathelioma.
My mother's star sign was cancer. Ironic how she died, really.
She died due to fatal injuries from a giant crab attack.
How did the terminal cancer patient do in school?
He passed.
A woman goes to the doctors complaining of stomach cramps...
She gets sent off for some test and comes back a week later.
"Well, I hope you're ready for endless sleepless nights of crying and changing dirty diapers!" the doc says.
"Wow, you mean I'm pregnant?" the woman replies thrilled.
"No, you've got bowel cancer."
I hear cancer is hard to beat
No one got past stage 4.
An old man is walking in the hospital...
An old man is walking in the hospital and talks to himself:
-aquarius?... no, no no... was it gemini?... naaah...
young doctor cant stand it anymore and walks to him:
-cancer grandpa, you got cancer!
Earlier today I saw the Facebook group 'kids vs cancer'
Well, it turns out writing "my money is on cancer every time" is one way to get quite a bit of hate mail.
I've heard like eight cancer jokes today...
If I hear another one it's gonna benign
My aunt's star sign was cancer, pretty ironic how she died
She was eaten by a giant crab
I said to my girlfriend that I think she'd look sexier with her hair back…
Which is apparently an insensitive thing to say to a cancer patient.
Today I'm cancer free!
And all the days before that, but it still counts.
Dark humour is like a kid with cancer...
...it never gets old.
I want to adopt two kids...
... with cancer, both named Jordan.
I've always wanted a sick pair of Jordans.
A child tells the make a wish foundation.
So a child is ill and the make a wish foundation asks "what do you want more than anything" the child responds "to trade places with Donald trump!"
They interpret as he wants to know what it's like to be president for a day.
So they ask trump, he obliges.
Trump meets the child and says "so you want to know what it's like to be president?"
The child retorts "no I just wanted you to have cancer"
Where do fashionable kids with cancer like to shop for clothes?
Never 21
Whats common between dark jokes and little kids with cancer...
They never get old.
A doctor walks into the room and says, " I have good news and I have bad news"
*"What's the good news?"*
"***I*** don't have cancer"
A man stands over the coffin of his deceased wife. "Her star sign was cancer you know" he says. " I guess it's ironic..."
"That she was killed by a giant crab."
A man is dying of cancer...
But he tells everyone he's dying of aids
His son asks him why.
He replies "So no one will have sex with my wife when I'm gone"
It turns out vaccines cause cancer.
You'll actually live long enough to get it.
A man diagnosed with cancer was given six months to live, but he worked hard and proved them wrong.
He killed himself three hours later.
So I told my wife she'd look sexier with her hair back
Apparently that's not a nice thing to say to cancer patients.
Joey gives Mary 1 stuffed animal and 2 flowers.
Joey gives Mary 1 stuffed animal and 2 flowers. Emma gives Mary 3 flowers and 2 stuffed animals. Sam gives Mary 2 stuffed animals and 1 flower. What does Mary have?
Cancer. Mary has cancer.
A woman goes to the doctor
A woman goes to the doctor complaining of abdominal pains. After a series of tests, the doctor walks back in and says to the lady, "Well, hope you don't mind changing diapers!"
Stunned, she replies, "Oh my God I'm pregnant? I can't be pregnant!"
The doctor looks at her and says, "No, you have bowel cancer"
What is your zodiac sign?
Doctor: What is your zodiac sign?
Patient: Cancer.
Doctor: What a coincidence...
Kids in class were asked to write 3 diseases
One kid wrote:
1. HIV, AIDS
2. Cancer
3. /
The teacher asked what's '/' ?
Student replied it's a stroke.
My friend, who's star sign was cancer, died very ironically.
He was mauled by a giant crab.
Doctor: You have cancer and Alzheimer's
Patient: Atleast Idont have Cancer
EMINEM: his palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy
WEB MD: Cancer.
Buzzfeed employee is diagnosed with stage 2 brain cancer
Doctor: Number 4 will blow your mind.
A dad joke
"Dad I'm hungry."
"Hi hungry, I'm dead."
"Haha, you mean dad."
"No. I have inoperable brain cancer."
"...wha-"
"I've been waiting for the right moment to tell you."
A guy is in a doctors office. His doctor is there with him.
"I have two pieces of bad news," the doctor says.
"What are they?"
"Well, the first piece of news is that you have cancer."
"What's the 2nd piece of news?" he asks.
"Well, the 2nd piece of bad news is that you have Alzheimer's."
The man laughs and says, "Well, at least I don't have cancer."
Vaccinated babies are 10 times more likely to die from heart disease, cancer, and alzheimer's.
Keep kids from dying from old age, stop vaccinating today.
Yesterday, my wife told me she has breast cancer
Honey, she said, there's a couple things I need to get off my chest.
Dark humor is like cancer.
It's even funnier when children get it.
I don't get why people say cancer is hard to beat
I'm already on Stage 4
My wife has just been diagnosed with breast cancer...
Doctor told us that mastectomy will be necessary.
Today, I went online to see if there is any alternative...
Emma, 28 years old, NY. Looks cute...
Doctor: You have Alzheimer's and cancer.
Patient: Thank God it's not Alzheimer's.
The Testicular Cancer Clinic called me and said, Did you get our email? I said No .
They said, Maybe you should check your junk.
What's the difference between me and cancer
My dad didn't beat cancer
Too soon
What is making a joke about Alex Tribek's cancer diagnosis?
My uncle's zodiac sign was Cancer, which was ironic, because he died
from being crushed by a giant crab.
A doctor says "The good news is it's all in your head."
"The bad news is it's brain cancer."
Started smoking for this girl who told me she was into people with cancer
Turns out she was talking about zodiacs. Anyway I've got three months to live.
Reddit Karma is a lot like sex
It's easier to get if you lie about having cancer
In his later years, the Lone Ranger and Tonto were catching up on old times. After awhile the Lone Ranger paused and said I have some sad news.
Tell me, old friend said the faithful Tonto.
Well...I recently was diagnosed with Cancer
Bad spirits, replied his old companion.
The Lone Ranger look off into the distance for a minute. After all your years of wisdom, what do you think I should do?
Chemo, sabe
Ps this is my first joke post ever so I hope I did it right.
I don't see why people say dealing with cancer is hard
I'm already on stage four
Every zodiac has a signature hairstyle...
Except for cancer
A man is dying. He lies in his bed with his wife next to him.
He says to her:
'you remember when i lost my job some years ago?'
'yes'
'you were by my side'
'yes'
'and when our son died in a car crash?'
'yes'
'you were by my side'
'yes'
'and now I'm dying of cancer you're still by my side'
'yes'
'you know what?'
'no'
'i think you bring me bad luck'
I cracked a joke about dementia to my friend at the bus. The old man sitting next to me politely asked. "Can you stop making jokes about terminal diseases?"
I replied "yes I cancer." Then I cracked tumor
Did you know that every zodiac sign has different hair?
Well, besides cancer.
Dr: I'm afraid I have bad news and worse news
Dr: I'm afraid I have bad news and worse news
Pt: Give me the worse news first
Dr: You have cancer
Pt: Oh no! What's the bad news?
Dr: You also have Alzheimer's
Pt: Well, at least I don't have cancer
I used to not like cancer humor
But it's grown on me.
Last week I found out what my Zodiac was
Apparently I'm a Cancer. I was devestated at first, because I was hoping to get Capricorn, but its really started to grow on me!
I was at the doctors and he said pick a star sign
I said Gemini,he said nah you have cancer
What do anarchists die of?
Pro-state cancer
My barber is big into astrology, and told me that every zodiac sign corresponds to a certain hairstyle, except for one
Cancer.
I once told someone my birthday
And they called me a cancer, seemed harsh
I had a friend whose zodiac sign was cancer. The way he died was very ironic...
He got was eaten by a giant crab.
Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the cancer sick cancer jokes and puns are jokes supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, are mean or racist, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become bullying and inappropriate.
We suggest to use only working cancer testicular cancer piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.