Cancer Jokes

Humoristic puns and funny pick up lines

Dark humor is like cancer.

It's even funnier when children get it.

So I told my wife she'd look sexier with her hair back

Apparently that's not a nice thing to say to cancer patients.

A doctor says "The good news is it's all in your head."

"The bad news is it's brain cancer."

I don't get why people say cancer is hard to beat

I'm already on Stage 4

Vaccinated babies are 10 times more likely to die from heart disease, cancer, and alzheimer's.

Keep kids from dying from old age, stop vaccinating today.

EMINEM: his palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy

WEB MD: Cancer.

My aunt's star sign was cancer, pretty ironic how she died

She was eaten by a giant crab

Why did Ellen Pao fire an employee with cancer?

She felt threatened by someone more malignant than herself

Adam gave Sally 3 flowers and 1 stuffed animal. Kristen gave Sally 5 flowers and 2 stuffed animals. What does Sally have?

cancer.

It turns out vaccines cause cancer.

You'll actually live long enough to get it.

Buzzfeed employee is diagnosed with stage 2 brain cancer

Doctor: Number 4 will blow your mind.

Doctor: You have cancer and Alzheimer's

Patient: Atleast Idont have Cancer

My grandfather developed cancer in his early twenties.

He is considered to be the most evil scientist that ever lived.

My mum's starsign was cancer, pretty ironic how she died...

She was eaten by a massive crab

Dark humor: Explained

Dark humor is like a child with cancer

It never gets old

I said to my girlfriend that I think she'd look sexier with her hair back…

Which is apparently an insensitive thing to say to a cancer patient.

Joey gives Mary 1 stuffed animal and 2 flowers.

Joey gives Mary 1 stuffed animal and 2 flowers. Emma gives Mary 3 flowers and 2 stuffed animals. Sam gives Mary 2 stuffed animals and 1 flower. What does Mary have?

Cancer. Mary has cancer.

I suggested my girlfriend she would look sexier with her hair back...

Apparently it's an insensitive thing to say to a cancer patient.

Dark humour is like a child with cancer

It never gets old.

Yesterday, my wife told me she has breast cancer

Honey, she said, there's a couple things I need to get off my chest.

I told my wife she'd look sexier with her hair back.

Apparently that's not something you should say to a cancer patient.

My friend, who's star sign was cancer, died very ironically.

He was mauled by a giant crab.

Okay to tell dead Steve Jobs jokes now?

What's the difference between cancer and the middle class? At least cancer got Jobs.

Dark humor is like a kid with cancer.....

It never gets old.

A little boy calls his best friend on Christmas day...

HEY! So what did you get for Christmas? The second little boy pauses and says well I got a gift card and a t-shirt…you?

The first little boy excitedly replies Oh man, I got a new scooter, a new 3DS XL. A PS Vita. A new bike and were going to Disneyland on Friday. Can't believe all you got was a gift card and t-shirt! to which the second little boy replies well…at least I don't have cancer…

My Wife's star sign is Cancer and it's pretty ironic how she died...

She was attacked by a giant crab

I suggested my wife that she'd look sexier with her hair back..

Apparently it was an insensitive thing to say to a cancer patient.

Today I'm cancer free!

And all the days before that, but it still counts.

My wife has just been diagnosed with breast cancer...

Doctor told us that mastectomy will be necessary.

Today, I went online to see if there is any alternative...

Emma, 28 years old, NY. Looks cute...

A dad joke

"Dad I'm hungry."

"Hi hungry, I'm dead."

"Haha, you mean dad."

"No. I have inoperable brain cancer."

"...wha-"

"I've been waiting for the right moment to tell you."

My uncle's zodiac sign was Cancer, which was ironic, because he died

from being crushed by a giant crab.

A child tells the make a wish foundation.

So a child is ill and the make a wish foundation asks "what do you want more than anything" the child responds "to trade places with Donald trump!"

They interpret as he wants to know what it's like to be president for a day.

So they ask trump, he obliges.

Trump meets the child and says "so you want to know what it's like to be president?"

The child retorts "no I just wanted you to have cancer"

How did the terminal cancer patient do in school?

He passed.

My doctor diagnosed me with cancer and Alzheimer's.

At least it isn't cancer.

A man stands over the coffin of his deceased wife. "Her star sign was cancer you know" he says. " I guess it's ironic..."

"That she was killed by a giant crab."

How many cancer patients does it take to change a light bulb?

1 and 12 people to say how inspiring it was

A man is dying of cancer...

But he tells everyone he's dying of aids

His son asks him why.

He replies "So no one will have sex with my wife when I'm gone"

A doctor walks into the room and says, " I have good news and I have bad news"

*"What's the good news?"*

"***I*** don't have cancer"

I said to my girlfriend that she would look sexier with her hairback

Apparently thats an insensitive thing to say to a cancer patient

My cousin's horoscope was Cancer. Funny how she died...

She got eaten by a giant crab

An old man is walking in the hospital...

An old man is walking in the hospital and talks to himself:
-aquarius?... no, no no... was it gemini?... naaah...
young doctor cant stand it anymore and walks to him:
-cancer grandpa, you got cancer!

Did you hear about the testicular cancer survivor who won the lottery?

...when he found out, the guy went nut.

Earlier today I saw the Facebook group 'kids vs cancer'

Well, it turns out writing "my money is on cancer every time" is one way to get quite a bit of hate mail.

My mother's star sign was cancer. Ironic how she died, really.

She died due to fatal injuries from a giant crab attack.

What kind of cancer was Jar Jar diagnosed with?

Meesathelioma.

I've heard like eight cancer jokes today...

If I hear another one it's gonna benign

My dad's sign was cancer. Its so ironic how he died.

He was attacked by a giant crab.

A comfortably old joke

A doctor runs a test on an elderly lady in the hospital and comes in to her room to read her the results.
"I have some bad news, and some more bad news. You have cancer, and you also have Alzheimer's disease"
The woman says "Well at least I don't have cancer."

A woman goes to the doctors complaining of stomach cramps...

A woman goes to the doctors complaining of stomach cramps.

She gets sent off for some test and comes back a week later.

"Well, I hope you're ready for endless sleepless nights of crying and changing dirty diapers!" the doc says.

"Wow, you mean I'm pregnant?" the woman replies thrilled.

"No, you've got bowel cancer."

How is the 85 year old Contractor that survived lung cancer doing?

Asbestos he can.

I'm so sorry.

Whats common between dark jokes and little kids with cancer...

They never get old.

A guy is in a doctors office. His doctor is there with him.

"I have two pieces of bad news," the doctor says.

"What are they?"

"Well, the first piece of news is that you have cancer."

"What's the 2nd piece of news?" he asks.

"Well, the 2nd piece of bad news is that you have Alzheimer's."

The man laughs and says, "Well, at least I don't have cancer."

A man diagnosed with cancer was given six months to live, but he worked hard and proved them wrong.

He killed himself three hours later.

Kids in class were asked to write 3 diseases

One kid wrote:

1. HIV, AIDS
2. Cancer
3. /

The teacher asked what's '/' ?

Student replied it's a stroke.

I want to adopt two kids...

... with cancer, both named Jordan.

I've always wanted a sick pair of Jordans.

My wife's starsign was Cancer, which is quite ironic really, thinking about how she died...

she was attacked by a giant crab

I hear cancer is hard to beat

No one got past stage 4.

A woman goes to the doctor

A woman goes to the doctor complaining of abdominal pains. After a series of tests, the doctor walks back in and says to the lady, "Well, hope you don't mind changing diapers!"

Stunned, she replies, "Oh my God I'm pregnant? I can't be pregnant!"

The doctor looks at her and says, "No, you have bowel cancer"

What is your zodiac sign?

Doctor: What is your zodiac sign?
Patient: Cancer.
Doctor: What a coincidence...

The Testicular Cancer Clinic called me and said, Did you get our email? I said No .

They said, Maybe you should check your junk.

Dark humour is like a kid with cancer...

...it never gets old.

Too soon

What is making a joke about Alex Tribek's cancer diagnosis?

My wife's star-sign was Cancer, so I guess you could say it was ironic how she died.

Mauled to death by a giant crab.

Doctor: You have Alzheimer's and cancer.

Patient: Thank God it's not Alzheimer's.

An old man went to the doctor

The doctor says "I'm afraid I have bad news. You have cancer... And you have alzheimer's."

The old man says "Well, at least I don't have cancer!"

Where do fashionable kids with cancer like to shop for clothes?

Never 21

What's the difference between me and cancer

My dad didn't beat cancer

Kristen gave Sally 3 flowers and 2 stuffed animals. Todd gave Sally 5 flowers and 3 stuffed animals. What does Sally have?

Cancer.

What are the funniest cancer jokes of all time?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking about Cancer? Well, here are the best Cancer puns to laugh out loud. Crazy and funny Cancer pick up lines to share with friends.

Joko Jokes