Cancer Jokes

163 cancer jokes and hilarious cancer puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about cancer that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

This article is full of cancer jokes that will make you laugh out loud!

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Funniest Cancer Short Jokes

Short cancer jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The cancer humour may include short tumor jokes also.

  1. So I told my wife she'd look sexier with her hair back Apparently that's not a nice thing to say to cancer patients.
  2. A doctor says "The good news is it's all in your head." "The bad news is it's brain cancer."
  3. Vaccinated babies are 10 times more likely to die from heart disease, cancer, and alzheimer's. Keep kids from dying from old age, stop vaccinating today.
  4. Why did Ellen Pao fire an employee with cancer? She felt threatened by someone more malignant than herself
  5. Adam gave sally 3 flowers and 1 stuffed animal. Kristen gave Sally 5 flowers and 2 stuffed animals. What does Sally have? cancer.
  6. Buzzfeed employee is diagnosed with stage 2 brain cancer Doctor: Number 4 will blow your mind.
  7. My grandfather developed cancer in his early twenties. He is considered to be the most evil scientist that ever lived.
  8. I said to my girlfriend that I think she'd look sexier with her hair back… Which is apparently an insensitive thing to say to a cancer patient.
  9. Yesterday, my wife told me she has breast cancer Honey, she said, there's a couple things I need to get off my chest.
  10. My friend, who's star sign was cancer, died very ironically. He was mauled by a giant crab.

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Cancer One Liners

Which cancer one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with cancer? I can suggest the ones about chemo and radiation.

  1. dark humor is like cancer. It's even funnier when children get it.
  2. I don't get why people say cancer is hard to beat I'm already on Stage 4
  3. EMINEM: his palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy WEB MD: Cancer.
  4. My aunt's star sign was cancer, pretty ironic how she died She was eaten by a giant crab
  5. It turns out vaccines cause cancer. You'll actually live long enough to get it.
  6. Doctor: You have cancer and Alzheimer's Patient: Atleast Idont have Cancer
  7. Did you know that every zodiac sign has different hair? Well, besides cancer.
  8. Today I'm cancer free! And all the days before that, but it still counts.
  9. How did the terminal cancer patient do in school? He passed.
  10. My doctor diagnosed me with cancer and Alzheimer's. At least it isn't cancer.
  11. I believe every Zodiac sign has its own signature hairstyle. Except Cancer.
  12. My cousin's horoscope was Cancer. Funny how she died... She got eaten by a giant crab
  13. What kind of cancer was Jar Jar diagnosed with? Meesathelioma.
  14. I've heard like eight cancer jokes today... If I hear another one it's gonna benign
  15. My dad's sign was cancer. Its so ironic how he died. He was attacked by a giant crab.

Cancer Patient Jokes

Here is a list of funny cancer patient jokes and even better cancer patient puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • How many cancer patients does it take to change a light bulb? 1 and 12 people to say how inspiring it was
  • What is your zodiac sign? Doctor: What is your zodiac sign?
    Patient: Cancer.
    Doctor: What a coincidence...
  • Doctor: You have Alzheimer's and cancer. Patient: thank god it's not Alzheimer's.
  • I heard laughter is the best medicine I heard laughter is the best medicine, so I went to the local hospital, found some cancer patients, and laughed at them.
  • So I told my girlfriend that she'd look better with her hair back... Which apparently is a very rude thing to say to a cancer patient.
  • Doctor: Sir.... Patient: It's MA'AM. I identify as a female
    Doctor: Okay Ma'am. You have testicular cancer.
  • The doctor says, "I have bad news, You have Cancer, and Alzheimer's Disease." The patient says, "Well at least I don't have Cancer."
  • How many cancer patients does it take to change a lightbulb? One, and ten people to stand around clapping and saying "Aww, how brave."
  • Doctor: I'm afraid you have cancer and alzheimers. Patient: Hey, at least I don't have cancer!
  • A doctor is talking to a patient. P: Am I going to be okay?
    D: You're as healthy as a horse-
    P: YAY!
    D: -with cancer.

Zodiac Cancer Jokes

Here is a list of funny zodiac cancer jokes and even better zodiac cancer puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • My uncle's zodiac sign was Cancer, which was ironic, because he died from being crushed by a giant crab.
  • Started smoking for this girl who told me she was into people with cancer Turns out she was talking about zodiacs. Anyway I've got three months to live.
  • Every zodiac has a signature hairstyle... Except for cancer
  • I had a friend whose zodiac sign was cancer. The way he died was very ironic... He got was eaten by a giant crab.
  • The zodiac sign of a friend of mine was cancer, which was very ironic because of how he died. He was eaten by a large crab.
  • Every zodiac sign comes with a signature hairstyle... Except cancer
  • Every Zodiac sign has a signature hairstyle For instance, people with cancer are bald
  • Every Zodiac sign has a haircut . . . Except Cancer (in honor of my dad who lost his hair to chemo!)
  • The real Zodiac Killer is... Cancer.
  • My cousins zodiac sign was cancer. Kinda ironic how she died. She got eaten by a giant crab.
Cancer joke, My cousins zodiac sign was cancer. Kinda ironic how she died.

Breast Cancer Jokes

Here is a list of funny breast cancer jokes and even better breast cancer puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • Breast cancer awareness has pink ribbons, but what does alcoholism awareness have? Bruises.
  • I had breast cancer once... Those were some bad mammaries.
  • What did the blonde do when she learned 1 in 8 women will get breast cancer? She decided to only hang out in groups of 7 or fewer.
  • My friend confided in me that she has breast cancer. I asked her if she had anything else she wanted to get off her chest.
  • Every ten minutes someone somewhere is told they have breast cancer They probably heard the first time. No need to keep rubbing it in.
  • A Joke I made up when I was 7 years old (It's politically incorrect) Why did the lady tell her doctor she had breast cancer?
    Because she wanted to get it off her chest.
  • How did the cow feel after being diagnosed with breast cancer? She was in udder disbelief.
  • Did you hear about the lady with breast cancer and amnesia? She has mammary problems.
  • Breast Cancer Awareness Hotline I called the hotline for information about breast self-examination. I got a recording that said "Press one to continue.....OK, now press the other one.
  • I used to have breast cancer Had to get that off my chest

Lung Cancer Jokes

Here is a list of funny lung cancer jokes and even better lung cancer puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • How is the 85 year old Contractor that survived lung cancer doing? Asbestos he can.
    I'm so sorry.
  • Someone asked me about minerals that are long term contributors to lung cancer the other day, I just answered asbestos I could.
  • Don't call yourself a Chainsmokers fan... ..unless you have stage 4 lung cancer.
  • SO happy to announce my mother has tested negative for COVID-19... Doctor said the breathing issues are only pulmonary fibrosis, a collapsed lung, and stage 4 cancer. Phew!
  • My grandpa just died of lung cancer... He fought it asbestos he could.
  • People are really sad about the news that Larry King has lung cancer while others are excited to hear he's alive.
  • Lung cancer has done a real number on me; I don't have long left. Doc said he's going to get me a donor lung.. …but I'm not holding my breath.
  • At this point in my life... At this point in my life, i drink so i can smoke and I smoke after the bad decisions i made wile drinking, then I drink to forget that I am dying of lung cancer.
  • What's easier to get, aids or lung cancer? Depends what you smoke.
    (Not native speaker, sorry if it doesn't make sense)
  • There's only one thing I haven't quit on... Now I have lung cancer.

Cancer Radiation Jokes

Here is a list of funny cancer radiation jokes and even better cancer radiation puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • If they could prove cell phones give deadly radiation You could say to people you don't like "cant talk right now, you're giving me cancer"
  • How are cancer and pregnancy similar? They can both be fixed with intense radiation therapy.
  • 2017 won't be all bad For the few people living just the right distance away from the nuclear strikes,the radiation will cure their cancer.
  • If you have r**... cancer and it's treated with radiation therapy... Is that a Rem job?
Cancer joke, If you have r**... cancer and it's treated with radiation therapy...

Charming Humor Cancer Jokes with Loads of Fun

What funny jokes about cancer you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean disease jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make cancer pranks.

What did the deaf, dumb, blind, amputee kid get for Christmas?


A little boy calls his best friend on Christmas day...

HEY! So what did you get for Christmas? The second little boy pauses and says well I got a gift card and a t-shirt…you?
The first little boy excitedly replies Oh man, I got a new scooter, a new 3DS XL. A PS Vita. A new bike and were going to Disneyland on Friday. Can't believe all you got was a gift card and t-shirt! to which the second little boy replies well…at least I don't have cancer…

My friend's star sign was cancer, so I guess it's quite ironic how he died.

He got attacked by a giant crab.

Did you hear about the testicular cancer survivor who won the lottery?

...when he found out, the guy went nut.

A man gets a call from his doctor.

The doctor tells him that his test results are in and he needs to see him right away.
The next day, the man shows up. He walks into the doctor's office. "Hey. What's the news?"
The doctor sighs and stands up. "Well...the test results are in. I'm afraid you have cancer and onomatopoeia."
The man frowns. "What's onomatopoeia?"
"Exactly what it sounds like."

Doctor tells his patient "I have good news and bad news..."

Guy says "what's the bad news?" Doctor says "you have cancer, it's terminal." Guy starts wailing "Ohhh that's terrible! Oh my god! I can't believe it! Well what's the *good* news then?" Doctor says "you see that blonde bombshell receptionist? I'm *f**...'* 'er!"

My wife's starsign was Cancer, which is quite ironic really, thinking about how she died...

she was attacked by a giant crab

A comfortably old joke

A doctor runs a test on an elderly lady in the hospital and comes in to her room to read her the results.
"I have some bad news, and some more bad news. You have cancer, and you also have Alzheimer's disease"
The woman says "Well at least I don't have cancer."

My girlfriends star sign

My girlfriends star sign is cancer, so it was quite ironic how she died
She got beaten to death by a giant crab

My wife's star-sign was Cancer, so I guess you could say it was ironic how she died.

Mauled to death by a giant crab.

Guy gets a call from his doctor...

Doc: I have bad news, and I have worse news.
Guy: Wow. Ok, well let's start with the worse news.
Doc: You have cancer and only have about 3 months to live.
Guy (shaken): Ok, what's the bad news?
Doc: You have Alzheimer's Disease.
Guy (waits a beat): Well at least I don't have cancer.

Okay to tell dead Steve Jobs jokes now?

What's the difference between cancer and the middle class? At least cancer got Jobs.

An old man went to the doctor

The doctor says "I'm afraid I have bad news. You have cancer... And you have alzheimer's."
The old man says "Well, at least I don't have cancer!"

The World Health Organization has stated that eating bacon increases your chances of getting cancer.

Statistics also show that not eating bacon dramatically increases your chances of blowing yourself up.

My mother's star sign was cancer. Ironic how she died, really.

She died due to fatal injuries from a giant crab attack.

Black humour is like children with cancer.. never gets old

They say laughter is the best medicine

Thats why I always make sure to laugh when someone tells me they have cancer.

A woman goes to the doctors complaining of stomach cramps...

She gets sent off for some test and comes back a week later.
"Well, I hope you're ready for endless sleepless nights of crying and changing dirty diapers!" the doc says.
"Wow, you mean I'm pregnant?" the woman replies thrilled.
"No, you've got bowel cancer."

I hear cancer is hard to beat

No one got past stage 4.

An old man is walking in the hospital...

An old man is walking in the hospital and talks to himself:
-aquarius?... no, no no... was it gemini?... naaah...
young doctor cant stand it anymore and walks to him:
-cancer grandpa, you got cancer!

Earlier today I saw the Facebook group 'kids vs cancer'

Well, it turns out writing "my money is on cancer every time" is one way to get quite a bit of hate mail.

What type of cancer is an anarchist immune to?


Dark humour is like a kid with cancer... never gets old.

I want to adopt two kids...

... with cancer, both named Jordan.
I've always wanted a sick pair of Jordans.

A child tells the make a wish foundation.

So a child is ill and the make a wish foundation asks "what do you want more than anything" the child responds "to trade places with Donald trump!"
They interpret as he wants to know what it's like to be president for a day.
So they ask trump, he obliges.
Trump meets the child and says "so you want to know what it's like to be president?"
The child retorts "no I just wanted you to have cancer"

A guy goes to the the doctor. He finds out he has cancer and three months to live. He asks the doctor is there anything we can do?

The doctor says: "Well you could take mud baths.
The guy says: "Oh great will that help me live longer?"
The Doctor says: "No, it but it will get you used to being in the dirt"

Where do fashionable kids with cancer like to shop for clothes?

Never 21

Whats common between dark jokes and little kids with cancer...

They never get old.

A doctor walks into the room and says, " I have good news and I have bad news"

*"What's the good news?"*
"***I*** don't have cancer"

Did you ever get two pieces of shocking news at once?

I just found out my sister was diagnosed with testicular cancer.

A man stands over the coffin of his deceased wife. "Her star sign was cancer you know" he says. " I guess it's ironic..."

"That she was killed by a giant crab."

A man is dying of cancer...

But he tells everyone he's dying of aids
His son asks him why.
He replies "So no one will have s**... with my wife when I'm gone"

A man diagnosed with cancer was given six months to live, but he worked hard and proved them wrong.

He killed himself three hours later.

Joey gives Mary 1 stuffed animal and 2 flowers.

Joey gives Mary 1 stuffed animal and 2 flowers. Emma gives Mary 3 flowers and 2 stuffed animals. Sam gives Mary 2 stuffed animals and 1 flower. What does Mary have?
Cancer. Mary has cancer.

Let's be thankful WebMD never got into Astrology...

Otherwise everybody would just be a Cancer

A woman goes to the doctor

A woman goes to the doctor complaining of abdominal pains. After a series of tests, the doctor walks back in and says to the lady, "Well, hope you don't mind changing diapers!"
Stunned, she replies, "Oh my God I'm pregnant? I can't be pregnant!"
The doctor looks at her and says, "No, you have bowel cancer"

Kids in class were asked to write 3 diseases

One kid wrote:
1. h**..., AIDS
2. Cancer
3. /
The teacher asked what's '/' ?
Student replied it's a s**....

Laughter is the best medicine.

Unless they have cancer. You can laugh at them all day and they still don't get better.

A mother finds out she has cancer

A mother and daughter visit the doctor to get the results of the mom's pap-smear.
"It's stage-4 cervical cancer. You have 1 month left", the doctor says.
The mother is devastated. She gathers all her girlfriends for one last brunch.
At the brunch she announces, "Bad news, the doctor said I have 1 month to live. I have AIDS."
Her friends are shocked. They offer their condolences and hurriedly depart.
"But mom", the daughter protests "You have cancer. Why did you tell them you have AIDS?"
Mom replies, "Because I don't want any of them sleeping with your father."

A woman tells her husband she was diagnosed with cancer.

Her husband tells he's very sad and sorry for her. Once they get to bed, the wife asks:
'Honey, when I'll be... dead, will you marry someone else?' The husband thinks for a while. 'No.'
'Why not? Don't you like being married?' 'If you want me to, then yes.' 'Will she sleep in my part of the bed?' she asks mournfully. 'I guess she will.' answers the husband. 'Will you replace all my photos?' 'Of course not, I'll keep the ones I love most.' 'Will she drive my car?' 'No, she doesn't have a driver's licence.'

Buzzfeed must have been born between May 22nd and June 22nd...

Because it's definitely a Cancer

A dad joke

"Dad I'm hungry."
"Hi hungry, I'm dead."
"Haha, you mean dad."
"No. I have inoperable brain cancer."
"I've been waiting for the right moment to tell you."

A guy is in a doctors office. His doctor is there with him.

"I have two pieces of bad news," the doctor says.
"What are they?"
"Well, the first piece of news is that you have cancer."
"What's the 2nd piece of news?" he asks.
"Well, the 2nd piece of bad news is that you have Alzheimer's."
The man laughs and says, "Well, at least I don't have cancer."

Two brother sit under the christmas tree....

One gets dozens of presents. He opens one after another, a tablet, a drone, a bike and plenty other things.
The other only gets one present with his name on it: a matchbox car.
The one boy with all the presents maliciously asks: guess whom they like more!
The other, calmly playing with the matchbox car, asks back: guess who has cancer.

My wife has just been diagnosed with breast cancer...

Doctor told us that mastectomy will be necessary.
Today, I went online to see if there is any alternative...
Emma, 28 years old, NY. Looks cute...

A trip to the doctor...

Doctor: "You'll be thrilled to hear that you don't have cancer in your liver. It was all in your head!"
Me: "Oh great!"
Doctor: "No, brain cancer is way worse."

The Testicular Cancer Clinic called me and said, Did you get our email? I said No .

They said, Maybe you should check your junk.

What's the difference between me and cancer

My dad didn't beat cancer

Too soon

What is making a joke about Alex Tribek's cancer diagnosis?

Reddit Karma is a lot like s**...

It's easier to get if you lie about having cancer

In his later years, the Lone Ranger and Tonto were catching up on old times. After awhile the Lone Ranger paused and said I have some sad news.

Tell me, old friend said the faithful Tonto.
Well...I recently was diagnosed with Cancer
Bad spirits, replied his old companion.
The Lone Ranger look off into the distance for a minute. After all your years of wisdom, what do you think I should do?
Chemo, sabe
Ps this is my first joke post ever so I hope I did it right.

Cancer joke, In his later years, the Lone Ranger and Tonto were catching up on old times. After awhile the Lone R

jokes about cancer