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Cancer Jokes

161 cancer jokes and hilarious cancer puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about cancer that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

This article is full of cancer jokes that will make you laugh out loud!

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Funniest Cancer Short Jokes

Short cancer jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The cancer humour may include short tumor jokes also.

  1. So I told my wife she'd look sexier with her hair back Apparently that's not a nice thing to say to cancer patients.
  2. A doctor says "The good news is it's all in your head." "The bad news is it's brain cancer."
  3. Vaccinated babies are 10 times more likely to die from heart disease, cancer, and alzheimer's. Keep kids from dying from old age, stop vaccinating today.
  4. Why did Ellen Pao fire an employee with cancer? She felt threatened by someone more malignant than herself
  5. Adam gave sally 3 flowers and 1 stuffed animal. Kristen gave Sally 5 flowers and 2 stuffed animals. What does Sally have? cancer.
  6. Buzzfeed employee is diagnosed with stage 2 brain cancer Doctor: Number 4 will blow your mind.
  7. My grandfather developed cancer in his early twenties. He is considered to be the most evil scientist that ever lived.
  8. Yesterday, my wife told me she has breast cancer Honey, she said, there's a couple things I need to get off my chest.
  9. A dad joke "Dad I'm hungry."
    "Hi hungry, I'm dead."
    "Haha, you mean dad."
    "No. I have inoperable brain cancer."
    "...wha-"
    "I've been waiting for the right moment to tell you."
  10. How many cancer patients does it take to change a light bulb? 1 and 12 people to say how inspiring it was

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Cancer One Liners

Which cancer one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with cancer? I can suggest the ones about chemo and radiation.

  1. I don't get why people say cancer is hard to beat I'm already on Stage 4
  2. EMINEM: his palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy WEB MD: Cancer.
  3. My aunt's star sign was cancer, pretty ironic how she died She was eaten by a giant crab
  4. It turns out vaccines cause cancer. You'll actually live long enough to get it.
  5. Doctor: You have cancer and Alzheimer's Patient: Atleast Idont have Cancer
  6. Did you know that every zodiac sign has different hair? Well, besides cancer.
  7. Today I'm cancer free! And all the days before that, but it still counts.
  8. How did the terminal cancer patient do in school? He passed.
  9. I believe every Zodiac sign has its own signature hairstyle. Except Cancer.
  10. My cousin's horoscope was Cancer. Funny how she died... She got eaten by a giant crab
  11. What kind of cancer was Jar Jar diagnosed with? Meesathelioma.
  12. I've heard like eight cancer jokes today... If I hear another one it's gonna benign
  13. Whats common between dark jokes and little kids with cancer... They never get old.
  14. I hear cancer is hard to beat No one got past stage 4.
  15. Too soon What is making a joke about Alex Tribek's cancer diagnosis?

Cancer Patient Jokes

Here is a list of funny cancer patient jokes and even better cancer patient puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • What is your zodiac sign? Doctor: What is your zodiac sign?
    Patient: Cancer.
    Doctor: What a coincidence...
  • I heard laughter is the best medicine I heard laughter is the best medicine, so I went to the local hospital, found some cancer patients, and laughed at them.
  • Doctor: Sir.... Patient: It's MA'AM. I identify as a female
    Doctor: Okay Ma'am. You have testicular cancer.
  • Doctor: I'm afraid you have cancer and alzheimers. Patient: Hey, at least I don't have cancer!
  • A doctor is talking to a patient. P: Am I going to be okay?
    D: You're as healthy as a horse-
    P: YAY!
    D: -with cancer.
  • What's the best vitamin for cancer patients? B9
  • What did the doctor say to the cancer patient? You have tumor months to live.
  • They say that laughter is the best medicine. Then, why was I kicked out the cancer ward for laughing at the patients?
  • What do you call it when a person shaves their head bald to blend in with cancer patients?... Chemoflage
  • What does kind of treatment does a suicidal cancer patient take? Emotherapy

Zodiac Cancer Jokes

Here is a list of funny zodiac cancer jokes and even better zodiac cancer puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • Started smoking for this girl who told me she was into people with cancer Turns out she was talking about zodiacs. Anyway I've got three months to live.
  • I had a friend whose zodiac sign was cancer. The way he died was very ironic... He got was eaten by a giant crab.
  • The zodiac sign of a friend of mine was cancer, which was very ironic because of how he died. He was eaten by a large crab.
  • Every Zodiac sign has a haircut . . . Except Cancer (in honor of my dad who lost his hair to chemo!)
  • The real Zodiac Killer is... Cancer.
  • My barber is big into astrology, and told me that every zodiac sign corresponds to a certain hairstyle, except for one Cancer.
  • I'm cancer free! Now I'm dating a girl with different zodiac sign.
  • What zodiac sign doesn't have hair Cancer
  • Today my dad beat cancer. By the way what is your mom's zodiac sign?
  • My wife died last week It's ironic because her zodiac symbol was cancer. She was killed by a giant crab

Breast Cancer Jokes

Here is a list of funny breast cancer jokes and even better breast cancer puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • Breast cancer awareness has pink ribbons, but what does alcoholism awareness have? Bruises.
  • I had breast cancer once... Those were some bad mammaries.
  • What did the blonde do when she learned 1 in 8 women will get breast cancer? She decided to only hang out in groups of 7 or fewer.
  • My friend confided in me that she has breast cancer. I asked her if she had anything else she wanted to get off her chest.
  • Every ten minutes someone somewhere is told they have breast cancer They probably heard the first time. No need to keep rubbing it in.
  • A Joke I made up when I was 7 years old (It's politically incorrect) Why did the lady tell her doctor she had breast cancer?
    Because she wanted to get it off her chest.
  • How did the cow feel after being diagnosed with breast cancer? She was in udder disbelief.
  • Did you hear about the lady with breast cancer and amnesia? She has mammary problems.
  • Breast Cancer Awareness Hotline I called the hotline for information about breast self-examination. I got a recording that said "Press one to continue.....OK, now press the other one.
  • I used to have breast cancer Had to get that off my chest

Lung Cancer Jokes

Here is a list of funny lung cancer jokes and even better lung cancer puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • How is the 85 year old Contractor that survived lung cancer doing? Asbestos he can.
    I'm so sorry.
  • Someone asked me about minerals that are long term contributors to lung cancer the other day, I just answered asbestos I could.
  • SO happy to announce my mother has tested negative for COVID-19... Doctor said the breathing issues are only pulmonary fibrosis, a collapsed lung, and stage 4 cancer. Phew!
  • My grandpa just died of lung cancer... He fought it asbestos he could.
  • People are really sad about the news that Larry King has lung cancer while others are excited to hear he's alive.
  • Lung cancer has done a real number on me; I don't have long left. Doc said he's going to get me a donor lung.. …but I'm not holding my breath.
  • There's only one thing I haven't quit on... Now I have lung cancer.
  • If I start watching TV, I can give up smoking. But I rather have lung cancer than brain cancer.
  • A man goes to the doctor Doctor: Okay, I have 2 messages for you. The first one is, you have lung cancer, the second one, you have alzheimer.
    Man: Thank god, atleast not cancer.
  • What did the optimist say to his doctor when he found out he had lung cancer? "Well, I'll deal with this asbestos I can!"

Cancer Radiation Jokes

Here is a list of funny cancer radiation jokes and even better cancer radiation puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • How are cancer and pregnancy similar? They can both be fixed with intense radiation therapy.
  • 2017 won't be all bad For the few people living just the right distance away from the nuclear strikes,the radiation will cure their cancer.
Cancer joke, 2017 won't be all bad

Charming Humor Cancer Jokes with Loads of Fun

What funny jokes about cancer you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean disease jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make cancer pranks.

⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language

I can't believe people make jokes about cancer patients with no fathers

Sick b**...

Anticipation (may be offensive)

A man notices he is having some very strange medical symptoms, so he goes to the hospital. Tests are run, and he goes home. A few days later, he gets a call from his doctor.
"Doc, finally! Give me the news, this anticipation has been killing me."
"Actually, that's the cancer..."

A little boy calls his best friend on Christmas day...

HEY! So what did you get for Christmas? The second little boy pauses and says well I got a gift card and a t-shirt…you?
The first little boy excitedly replies Oh man, I got a new scooter, a new 3DS XL. A PS Vita. A new bike and were going to Disneyland on Friday. Can't believe all you got was a gift card and t-shirt! to which the second little boy replies well…at least I don't have cancer…

Did you hear about the testicular cancer survivor who won the lottery?

...when he found out, the guy went nut.

A man gets a call from his doctor.

The doctor tells him that his test results are in and he needs to see him right away.
The next day, the man shows up. He walks into the doctor's office. "Hey. What's the news?"
The doctor sighs and stands up. "Well...the test results are in. I'm afraid you have cancer and onomatopoeia."
The man frowns. "What's onomatopoeia?"
"Exactly what it sounds like."

⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language

Doctor tells his patient "I have good news and bad news..."

Guy says "what's the bad news?" Doctor says "you have cancer, it's terminal." Guy starts wailing "Ohhh that's terrible! Oh my god! I can't believe it! Well what's the *good* news then?" Doctor says "you see that blonde bombshell receptionist? I'm *f**...'* 'er!"

A comfortably old joke

A doctor runs a test on an elderly lady in the hospital and comes in to her room to read her the results.
"I have some bad news, and some more bad news. You have cancer, and you also have Alzheimer's disease"
The woman says "Well at least I don't have cancer."

Nobody claims to like cancer when they're first diagonosed

But after a while, it tends to grow on you.

What don't they name train stations after astrology signs?

No passenger would ever make it past the terminal Cancer!

⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language

Okay to tell dead Steve Jobs jokes now?

What's the difference between cancer and the middle class? At least cancer got Jobs.

Tests are like jokes...

You just gotta get through them, and sometimes you find out they're not that bad!
And other times you have cancer.

The World Health Organization has stated that eating bacon increases your chances of getting cancer.

Statistics also show that not eating bacon dramatically increases your chances of blowing yourself up.

How did realism get me banned from Facebook?

I sided with cancer on the "Kids VS Cancer" page.

WebMD has integrated Google's Deepmind.

On startup it performed a self diagnostic test.
Turns out, it's cancer.

A man goes to buy a pack of cigarettes......

The cashier hands him a pack. He goes out and thinks of lighting one up. The pack reads "Beware smoking causing impotency". He goes back in hey man i think you gave me the wrong pack give me the one with cancer.

⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language

Black humour is like children with cancer..

..it never gets old

They say laughter is the best medicine

Thats why I always make sure to laugh when someone tells me they have cancer.

A woman goes to the doctors complaining of stomach cramps...

She gets sent off for some test and comes back a week later.
"Well, I hope you're ready for endless sleepless nights of crying and changing dirty diapers!" the doc says.
"Wow, you mean I'm pregnant?" the woman replies thrilled.
"No, you've got bowel cancer."

An old man is walking in the hospital...

An old man is walking in the hospital and talks to himself:
-aquarius?... no, no no... was it gemini?... naaah...
young doctor cant stand it anymore and walks to him:
-cancer grandpa, you got cancer!

What is the easiest way to get chewing gum out of your hair?

Cancer.

Earlier today I saw the Facebook group 'kids vs cancer'

Well, it turns out writing "my money is on cancer every time" is one way to get quite a bit of hate mail.

My friends' girlfriend gets diagnosed with cancer..

He proposed to her on the spot. See ladies, it's not that men can't be spontaneous and romantic, we just don't like long term commitment

What type of cancer is an anarchist immune to?

Prostate

I want to adopt two kids...

... with cancer, both named Jordan.
I've always wanted a sick pair of Jordans.

A child tells the make a wish foundation.

So a child is ill and the make a wish foundation asks "what do you want more than anything" the child responds "to trade places with Donald trump!"
They interpret as he wants to know what it's like to be president for a day.
So they ask trump, he obliges.
Trump meets the child and says "so you want to know what it's like to be president?"
The child retorts "no I just wanted you to have cancer"

A guy goes to the the doctor. He finds out he has cancer and three months to live. He asks the doctor is there anything we can do?

The doctor says: "Well you could take mud baths.
The guy says: "Oh great will that help me live longer?"
The Doctor says: "No, it but it will get you used to being in the dirt"

Where do fashionable kids with cancer like to shop for clothes?

Never 21

⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language

A doctor walks into the room and says, " I have good news and I have bad news"

*"What's the good news?"*
"***I*** don't have cancer"

Did you ever get two pieces of shocking news at once?

I just found out my sister was diagnosed with testicular cancer.

⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language

A man is dying of cancer...

But he tells everyone he's dying of aids
His son asks him why.
He replies "So no one will have s**... with my wife when I'm gone"

A man diagnosed with cancer was given six months to live, but he worked hard and proved them wrong.

He killed himself three hours later.

Joey gives Mary 1 stuffed animal and 2 flowers.

Joey gives Mary 1 stuffed animal and 2 flowers. Emma gives Mary 3 flowers and 2 stuffed animals. Sam gives Mary 2 stuffed animals and 1 flower. What does Mary have?
Cancer. Mary has cancer.

Let's be thankful WebMD never got into Astrology...

Otherwise everybody would just be a Cancer

A child with cancer goes skydiving for his bucket list

He's now at terminal velocity.

⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language

Kids in class were asked to write 3 diseases

One kid wrote:
1. h**..., AIDS
2. Cancer
3. /
The teacher asked what's '/' ?
Student replied it's a s**....

Laughter is the best medicine.

Unless they have cancer. You can laugh at them all day and they still don't get better.

A mother finds out she has cancer

A mother and daughter visit the doctor to get the results of the mom's pap-smear.
"It's stage-4 cervical cancer. You have 1 month left", the doctor says.
The mother is devastated. She gathers all her girlfriends for one last brunch.
At the brunch she announces, "Bad news, the doctor said I have 1 month to live. I have AIDS."
Her friends are shocked. They offer their condolences and hurriedly depart.
"But mom", the daughter protests "You have cancer. Why did you tell them you have AIDS?"
Mom replies, "Because I don't want any of them sleeping with your father."

A woman tells her husband she was diagnosed with cancer.

Her husband tells he's very sad and sorry for her. Once they get to bed, the wife asks:
'Honey, when I'll be... dead, will you marry someone else?' The husband thinks for a while. 'No.'
'Why not? Don't you like being married?' 'If you want me to, then yes.' 'Will she sleep in my part of the bed?' she asks mournfully. 'I guess she will.' answers the husband. 'Will you replace all my photos?' 'Of course not, I'll keep the ones I love most.' 'Will she drive my car?' 'No, she doesn't have a driver's licence.'

Buzzfeed must have been born between May 22nd and June 22nd...

Because it's definitely a Cancer

"Right, I've been thinking." I said to the oncologist. "I'm not keen on radiotherapy or chemotherapy. At this stage I think it would be best to just let the disease take its natural course."

My wife's eyes filled with tears, "We should've discussed this together."
"My minds made up." I insisted.
"I think your wife is right." Said the consultant. "After all, she is the one with cancer."

I told my friends a cancer joke, but they didn't think it was funny. I was asked if I had anything else...

...luckily I still had tu mor.

The best way to tell if you're in California

Is to look up at the sun, and see if there is a may cause cancer warning label on it.

Two brother sit under the christmas tree....

One gets dozens of presents. He opens one after another, a tablet, a drone, a bike and plenty other things.
The other only gets one present with his name on it: a matchbox car.
The one boy with all the presents maliciously asks: guess whom they like more!
The other, calmly playing with the matchbox car, asks back: guess who has cancer.

⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language

Dark humor is like cancer.

It's even funnier when children get it.

My wife has just been diagnosed with breast cancer...

Doctor told us that mastectomy will be necessary.
Today, I went online to see if there is any alternative...
Emma, 28 years old, NY. Looks cute...

A trip to the doctor...

Doctor: "You'll be thrilled to hear that you don't have cancer in your liver. It was all in your head!"
Me: "Oh great!"
Doctor: "No, brain cancer is way worse."

I named my kid cancer...

Now I can say i beat cancer

The Testicular Cancer Clinic called me and said, Did you get our email? I said No .

They said, Maybe you should check your junk.

Fighting Hard

lol cancer is so easy to beat i am already at stage 4

What's the difference between me and cancer

My dad didn't beat cancer

If cancer is so hard...

Why am I on stage 4?

People who smoke will get this

Cancer

⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language

Reddit Karma is a lot like s**...

It's easier to get if you lie about having cancer

Cancer joke, Reddit Karma is a lot like s**...

jokes about cancer