canadians Jokes

funny pick up lines and hilarious canadians puns

How do you get 100 drunk and rowdy Canadians out of a pool?

You say "Please get out of the pool."

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How do you get 30 drunk Canadians out of the pool?

"Please Get Out The Pool"

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Why do Canadians always do it doggy-style?

So they can both watch the hockey game.

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I always thought Americans should say "B".

Because Canadians say "Eh", and Mexicans say "Ci".

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How do you get 50 Canadians out of the swimming pool?

Say, " Everyone out of the pool please."

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Some say that Mexicans are bordering on the insane...

But so what? So are Canadians.

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why have canadians begun mixing weed & tim hortons coffee?

shits & giggles

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Justin Trudeau announces free lazer eye surgery for all Canadians in 4 years...

When asked why he put forward this proposal, he responded by saying "because it's 2020".

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Anytime I hear a mean joke about Canadians, I immediately go to the hospital to get my feelings checked.

For free.

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What do you call a group of Canadians?

An apology

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If Canadians say "Ay" and Mexicans say "Si"...

Why don't Americans say "B"?

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Americans may pull guns but Canadians....

..may pull leaves.

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What blood type do Canadians have?

Type "eh"

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Two Canadians die and end up in Hell.

The devil decides to pay them a visit, so he walks into their room and sees them talking and laughing. Confused, he asks them why they're happy.

They tell him, "Well, we're so sick of the cold where we're from, and this place is nice and toasty."

The devil, annoyed, storms away and goes to Hell's boiler room, where he turns up the temperature. He goes back to the Canadians' room, along the way being begged by all sorts of people to put the heating back down. He enters the room to see the Canadians having a barbecue. Furiously, he asks them what they're doing.

"Well, we can't pass up this wonderful weather without getting out the barbecue!"

The devil realizes he's been doing the wrong thing. He goes to the boiler room and turns it down until it's at a colder temperature than ever seen on earth. He knows he's won now, so he goes back to the Canadians' room, only to see them jumping up and down in excitement. He shouts at them in fury, "WHY ARE YOU STILL HAPPY?!?!?!"

They look at him and shout at the same time, "Hell froze over! That means the Leafs won!"

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An american and Canadian are having a conversation

The american asks: Is it true that Canadians apologise a lot?

The Canadian thought about it for a while, shook his head, and replied:
I'm sorry, I don't know

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98% of Canadians say "Oh shit!" on a slippery before going into the ditch.

*The other 2% are from Newfoundland and they say: "Hold my beer and watch this!"*

Merry christmas!

**Don't drink and drive this holiday.**

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Penis Study nsfw

The Penis Study

The American Government funded a study to see why the head of a
man's Penis was larger than
the shaft. After 1 year and $180,000, they concluded that the reason that
the head was larger than
the shaft was to give the man more pleasure during sex.


After the US published the study, the French decided to do their own
study. After $250,000
and 3 years of research, they concluded that the reason the head was larger
than the shaft was to
give the woman more pleasure during sex.


Canadians, unsatisfied with these findings, conducted their own
study. After 2 weeks and a
cost of around $75.46, and 2 cases of beer, they concluded that the reason
the head was larger was
to keep a man's hand from flying off and hitting himself in the forehead.

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How do remove a bunch of drunk Canadians from the pool?

You ask them to leave.

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Why do Canadians call alcohol anonymous triple A?

AA, Eh

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One day we Canadians will rule the world!

Then you'll all be sorry.

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Why do Canadians always beat Germans at hockey?

Canadians bring their 'eh' game; Germans bring their wurst.

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Why do Canadians always have such good hair?

Because of all the moose.

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A Muslim and a Christian had a disagreement in a bar...

...so they talked it over and resolved their differences because they are both Canadians.

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What type of beer makes Canadians use the the bathroom the most?

IPA

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Why don't Canadians wear tank tops?

They don't have the right to bare arms

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Do you know why Americans think Canadians are so apologetic?

It's because every time someone tells us they're American, we say "oh, sorry."

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How many Canadians does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Twelve. Four to form a Parliamentary study committee to decide how to solve the problem, one Francophone to complain that I didn't translate this joke into French, one Native Canadian to protest that the interests of Native Canadians have been overlooked, one woman from the National Action Committee On the Status Of Women to say that women have been underrepresented in the process, one to go over the border to the Niagara Falls Factory Outlet Mall and buy a new bulb and not pay duty on it on the way back, one to actually screw it in, one to collect taxes on the whole procedure so the government can afford it, one to buy a case of Molson for everybody to drink, and one to drop the puck.

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That's my plan and I'm sticking to it.

This is the transcript of a radio conversation of a US naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October, 1995. Radio conversation released by the Chief of Naval Operations 10-10-95.

Americans: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a Collision.

Canadians: Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.

Americans: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.

Canadians: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course.

Americans: This is the aircraft carrier USS Lincoln, the second largest ship in the United States' Atlantic fleet. We are accompanied by three destroyers, three cruisers and numerous support vessels. I demand that YOU change your course 15 degrees north, that's one five degrees north, or countermeasures will be undertaken to ensure the safety of this ship.

Canadians: This is a lighthouse. Your call.

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One for Canadians

A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children.

"You all have obsessions," he observed.

To the first mother, (from Toronto) Mary, he said, "You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy."

He turned to the second Mom, (from Montreal ) Ann: "Your obsession is with money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny."

He turned to the third Mom, Joyce (form North Bay): "Your obsession is alcohol. This too shows itself in your child's name, Brandy."

At this point, the fourth mother, (from Newfoundland) Kathy, quietly got up, took her little boy by the hand, and whispered, "Come on, Dick, this guy has no idea what he's talking about. Let's pick up Peter and Willy from school and go get dinner.

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How do you get three drunk, rowdy Canadians out of a pool?

Ask them to get out of the pool.

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How do you get 20 Canadians out of a pool?

"Okay folks, time to get out of the pool!"

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The US Navy

Transcript of a US naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October, 1995. This radio conversation was released by the Chief of Naval Operations on 10-10-95.

Americans: "Please divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision."

Canadians: "Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision."

Americans: "This is the captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course."

Canadians: "No, I say again, you divert YOUR course."

Americans: "THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS ABRAHAM LINCOLN, THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES' ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH. THAT'S ONE-FIVE DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP."

Canadians: "This is a lighthouse. Your call."

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Canadians are always viewed as nice and polite but so help me, if they invade the US...

They'll be sorry.

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What's crude and beneath most Canadians?

America

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I'm a day late, but here's some Canadian jokes I came up with

1.) What do you call a Canadian military group?

- *The Eh Team*

2.) Welcome to Canada: Native land of the world's two sexiest Ryan's and the world's two most hated Justin's.

3.) Canadians are great at introducing themselves to strangers since they're so used to breaking the ice.

4.) Canada only has one team in the MLB because we don't like to hit, only one team in the NBA because we don't like to shoot, but we have seven teams in the NHL because we really give a puck.

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What are the most funny Canadians jokes of all time ?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking with someone about Canadians? Well, here are the best Canadians dad jokes to laugh out loud. Crazy funny puns and Canadians pick up lines to share with friends.

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