The Best 66 Canadian Jokes
Following is our collection of funny Canadian jokes. There are some canadian territories jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud.
Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these canadian northwest puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.
Top 10 of the Funniest Canadian Jokes and Puns
How can you spot a Canadian
They're the ones that say "Thank You" to the ATM
So a seal walks into a pub...
And bellies up to the bar. The bartender looks him up and down, and asks,
"What can I get for you?" The seal looks up at the bartender with his big, brown, sealy eyes and says,
"Anything but a Canadian Club."
A weather report for you
I just got off the phone with a friend living in North Dakota near the Canadian Border. He said that since early this morning the snow has been coming down, it is nearly waist high and is still falling. The temperature is dropping way below zero and the north wind is increasing to near gale force. His wife has done nothing but look through the kitchen window and just stare. He says that if it gets much worse, he may have to let her in.
A seal walks into a bar
A seal walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a drink.
The bartender asks the seal, "What's your pleasure?"
The seal replies, "Anything but Canadian Club."
Why do Canadians call alcohol anonymous triple A?
AA, Eh
How do you get 50 Canadians out of the swimming pool?
Say, " Everyone out of the pool please."
Cold Cold Canada.
There was an elderly couple who lived in a small house, right smack dab on the U.S. and Canadian border. For several years the two goverments had argued over which nation the house belonged to. One day the elderly couple recived a letter stating that they were now considered full American citizens and there property was deemed as American soil. After reading this the old woman looks to her husband as says "Thank goodness, No more of those cold Canadian winters.
Three men are on a boat back to North America...
A Mexican, an American, and a Canadian are all heading back to their home countries after going on a vacation in Europe. Suddenly the boat starts to sink. The Canadian says, "The boat is too heavy, we need to get rid of some stuff." The Mexican says, "We already have too many of these in Mexico!" and he throws the tacos out of the boat. The Canadian says, "We already have too many of these in Canada!" and he throws all the maple syrup off the boat. The American says, "We already have too many of these in America!" and he throws the Mexican off the boat.
*apoligies for racism, I am not a racist person*
So the Bears were looking for a new quarterback.
The coach had put together the perfect team for the Chicago Bears. The only thing that was missing was a good quarterback. He had scouted all the colleges and even the Canadian and European Leagues, but he couldn't find a ringer who could ensure a Super Bowl win.
Then one night while watching CNN he saw a war-zone scene in Afghanistan . In one corner of the background, he spotted a young Afghan Muslim soldier with a truly incredible arm. He threw a hand-grenade straight into a 15th story window 100 yards away.
KABOOM!
He threw another hand-grenade 75 yards away, right into a chimney.
KA-BLOOEY!
Then he threw another at a passing car going 90 mph.
BULLS-EYE!
"I've got to get this guy!" Coach said to himself. "He has the perfect arm!"
So, he brings him to the States and teaches him the great game of football. And the Bears go on to win the Super Bowl.
The young Afghan is hailed as the great hero of football, and when the coach asks him what he wants, all the young man wants is to call his mother.
"Mom," he says into the phone, "I just won the Super Bowl!"
"I don't want to talk to you", the old Muslim woman says."You are not my son!"
"I don't think you understand, Mother," the young man pleads. "I've won the greatest sporting event in the world. I'm here among thousands of my adoring fans."
"No! Let me tell you!" his mother retorts. "At this very moment, there are gunshots all around us. The neighborhood is a pile of rubble. Your two brothers were beaten within an inch of their lives last week, and I have to keep your sister in the house so she doesn't get raped!" The old lady pauses, and then tearfully says, "I will never forgive you for making us move to Chicago !!!!
Heard this while at a Canadian airport.
Lady: We're going to the states for a few days.
Oldman: I wouldn't do that if I were you.
Lady: Why not?
Oldman: It's full of Americans.
Why did the Canadian DJ turn down the gig at the local Y?
Because why emcee, eh?
You can explore canadian canuck reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean canadian pucks dad jokes. There are also canadian puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.
There was an International Job opening.
Two men applied, a Canadian man, and an American. After the test and the interview, they company decided to go with the Canadian man. The American with distraught asked why they decided to hire the Canadian and how he did in the interview and test. They said it was a very difficult decision because they both did equally well on the test and in the interview. The American was outraged. "THEN WHY DID YOU HIRE THE CANADIAN?!?." The manager then responded, "Well, you both did equally well in the interview, but the real problem was the test. You both got 9/10 on the test, but for question 10, the Canadian man put 'I don't know' and you put 'me neither.'"
Shout out to my Math Teacher for telling me this one.
Canadian summer
I asked my Canadian buddy "Did you have a good summer?"
He said "No! I was working that day."
A baby seal walks into a bar...
... and says,"I'll have anything but a Canadian Club."
What's a baby seals' least favourite drink?
Canadian Club on the Rocks
A Canadian walks into a cafe, and the barista asks, "Would you like a latte?"
And the Canadian responds to him "Nah, just a bit, eh."
How do you know Justin Bieber is Canadian?
Only a Canadian could get a #1 on Billboard with a song called Sorry.
A Cuban, a Canadian, and a white supremacist walk into a bar.
The bartender says, "Ah, Senator Cruz, what are you having?"
No matter who wins the presidential election, it will be historic.
We'll either have the first female president, the first Jewish president, the first Canadian president, or the last president.
An Irish Lumberjack
A large Canadian lumber camp advertised that they were looking for a good Lumberjack. The very next day, a skinny Irishman showed up at the camp with his axe, and knocked on the Foreman's door.
The Foreman took one look at the small Irishman and told him to leave. "Just give me a chance to show you what I can do," said the Irishman.
"Okay, see that giant redwood over there?" said the Foreman. "Take your axe and go cut it down."
The Irishman headed for the tree, and in five minutes he was back knocking on the Foreman's door.
"I cut the tree down," said the Irishman.
"*Holy smokes!*" Said the Formean. "Where did you get the skill to chop down trees like that?"
"In the Sahara Forest," replied the Irishman.
Confused, the Forman asked "...don't you mean the Sahara Desert?"
"Is that what they call it now?"
A Canadian walks into a bar
A Canadian walks into a bar, steps back, apologizes to the bar, and walks away.
If I had a Nickel for every terrible Canadian rock band, I know I'd at least get a Nickelback.
I'll let myself out.
Canadian and a American watching a movie
Canadian: Lets watch a movie.
American: Have you seen Titanic?
Canadian: What's that about?
American: Yes, it was. A big one that sank.
I sexually identify as a Canadian...
I'm eh-sexual.
I just passed by Canadian citizenship test!
I got an eh +
If Canadians say "Ay" and Mexicans say "Si"...
Why don't Americans say "B"?
Nobody believes that I can name the Canadian Prime Minister.
It's Trudeau.
Why do Canadians always do it doggy-style?
So they can both watch the hockey game.
A Canadian psychologist is selling a video that teaches you how to test your dog's IQ.
Here's how it works: If you spend $12.99 for the video, your dog is smarter than you.
My Canadian friend did really well on an exam
He got an Eh
How do you stop Canadian bacon from curling in the frying pan?
You take away their brooms.
What did the Canadian Sniper say after making a record-breaking kill shot?
Sorry
What's the difference between imitation bread and the Canadian prime minister?
One is fake dough, the other is Trudeau.
As a Canadian..
Every time I hear a bad joke about being Canadian...
...I go right to the Hospital and get my feelings checked for free
What do you call a Canadian prostitute?
A leaf blower
In WW2 you could identify which nationality your opponent was from by observing their behaviors
If they respond to threats with precise rifle shots, they're British
If they respond with heavy machine gun fire, they're German
If they retreat, they're French
If they switch to your side, they're Italian
If they apologize, they're Canadian
If nothing happens for a few minutes then suddenly your camp is leveled to the ground, they're American
Exchange rate
I had a bunch of Canadian dollars I needed to exchange, so I went to
the currency exchange window at the local bank. Just one lady in front of me...an Asian lady who was trying to exchange yen for dollars and she was a little irritated. She asked the teller, 'Why it change? Yesterday, I get two hunat dolla fo yen. Today I get hunat eighty? Why it change?' The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, 'Fluctuations'. The Asian lady says, 'Fluc you white people, too'.
As a Canadian I never realized how slow my internet was until today.
I just now started seeing Thanksgiving posts!
I heard a rumour about the Canadian Prime Minister
Not sure if it's Trudeau.
Why do Canadians always beat Germans at hockey?
Canadians bring their 'eh' game; Germans bring their wurst.
Two Canadian body builders were working out at the gym.
After they were done, they sat together in the locker room.
One turned to the other and said, "I'm sore, eh?"
The other said, "What for?"
I used to be a cashier at a gas station on the Canadian border.
I would always ask what currency people would be paying with, but I stopped after a woman screamed at me for assuming her tender.
Wifi password
I was doing an overnight at a hotel away from home. I took my computer to the hotel lounge to do some work. I sat down at the bar and I asked the bartender, "What's the WiFi password?"
Bartender: You need to buy a drink first.
Me: Okay, I'll have a beer.
Bartender: We have Molson's Canadian on tap.
Me: Sure. How much is that?
Bartender: $8.00.
Me: Okay, here you go. What's the WiFi password?
Bartender: "youneedtobuyadrinkfirst" -- no spaces and all lowercase.
An american and Canadian are having a conversation
The american asks: Is it true that Canadians apologise a lot?
The Canadian thought about it for a while, shook his head, and replied:
I'm sorry, I don't know
I'm not an apologetic Canadian...
I'm sorry, I'm just not
Why are Canadians always over qualified for jobs in the US?
Because zero degrees in Canada is the same as 32 in the States.
Why are Canadians so good at sports?
They always bring their eh game
I've heard the Canadian Prime-Minister has a French last name.
Is this Trudeau?
A Canadian walks into a restaurant...
He orders some fish, and the waitress asks, "how would you like your fish cooked?"
He replies, "Friday."
An American is typing on a computer when he flies into a rage, shouting "How the hell am I misspelling color"?
A Canadian takes a quick look at the screen before rolling his eyes and walking away, saying "that sounds like a you problem".
As a Canadian, the Presidential Debate feels like...
As a Canadian, the Presidential Debate feels like overhearing your downstairs neighbours debating about whether or not to set the building on fire.
How do you keep Canadian bacon from curling in you frying pan?
Take away their little brooms.
Scotsman on holiday: what's yon beast over there?
Canadian: That's a moose!
Scotsman: Och, If that's a moose, how big are your cats?
My Canadian friend eats a bowl of fries, cheese curds and brown gravy every single morning.
It's just his daily poutine.
Hopefully, Biden will never be the leader of my country
Because if he is, something's gone wrong with the Canadian legal system
If you say AT&T backwards
You sound like a Canadian Bomb Technician.
Why do Canadian cowboys have sticky feet?
Maple Stirrups.
I don't care what the liberal media says about the election. Come January, my national leader isn't going to change, and his name starts with T, R, and U.
It's Justin Trudeau. I'm Canadian.
What do you call a stoned Canadian before the weekend?
Fried, eh?
Got the results for my Canadian citizenship test
Straight eh's
A Canadian park ranger is giving some ramblers a warning about bears,
Brown bears are usually harmless. They avoid contact with humans so we suggest you attach small bells to your rucksacks and give the bears time to get out of your way. However, grizzly bears are extremely dangerous. If you see any grizzly-bear droppings leave the area immediately.
So how do we know if they're grizzly bear droppings? asks one of the ramblers.
It's easy, replies the ranger. They're full of small bells.
9th August 2021: a blond American woman is at the Canadian immigration counter......
The immigration officer is puzzled for a minute and then the light comes on.
"Thank you ma'am for that view but it is vaxxed not waxed'
What days do Canadian stoners like the best?
I'm pretty sure they're all fried, eh?
What's the most Canadian Battery?
Triple Eh!
My girlfriend recently left me and moved to a northern Canadian province.
She was having Nunavut.
What's a Canadian frogs favorite game to play?
Croak- Eh
Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the canadian loonies jokes and puns are jokes supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, are mean or racist, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become bullying and inappropriate.
We suggest to use only working canadian canadian football league piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.