Howlingly Hilarious Canadian Jokes for All Ages to Enjoy
How can you spot a Canadian
They're the ones that say "Thank You" to the ATM
A weather report for you
I just got off the phone with a friend living in North Dakota near the Canadian Border. He said that since early this morning the snow has been coming down, it is nearly waist high and is still falling. The temperature is dropping way below zero and the north wind is increasing to near gale force. His wife has done nothing but look through the kitchen window and just stare. He says that if it gets much worse, he may have to let her in.
How do you get 50 Canadians out of the swimming pool?
Say, " Everyone out of the pool please."
Cold Cold Canada.
There was an elderly couple who lived in a small house, right s**... dab on the U.S. and Canadian border. For several years the two goverments had argued over which nation the house belonged to. One day the elderly couple recived a letter stating that they were now considered full American citizens and there property was deemed as American soil. After reading this the old woman looks to her husband as says "Thank goodness, No more of those cold Canadian winters.
Three men are on a boat back to North America...
A Mexican, an American, and a Canadian are all heading back to their home countries after going on a vacation in Europe. Suddenly the boat starts to sink. The Canadian says, "The boat is too heavy, we need to get rid of some stuff." The Mexican says, "We already have too many of these in Mexico!" and he throws the tacos out of the boat. The Canadian says, "We already have too many of these in Canada!" and he throws all the maple syrup off the boat. The American says, "We already have too many of these in America!" and he throws the Mexican off the boat.
*apoligies for racism, I am not a racist person*
So the Bears were looking for a new quarterback.
The coach had put together the perfect team for the Chicago Bears. The only thing that was missing was a good quarterback. He had scouted all the colleges and even the Canadian and European Leagues, but he couldn't find a ringer who could ensure a Super Bowl win.
Then one night while watching CNN he saw a war-zone scene in Afghanistan . In one corner of the background, he spotted a young Afghan Muslim soldier with a truly incredible arm. He threw a hand-grenade straight into a 15th story window 100 yards away.
KABOOM!
He threw another hand-grenade 75 yards away, right into a chimney.
KA-BLOOEY!
Then he threw another at a passing car going 90 mph.
BULLS-EYE!
"I've got to get this guy!" Coach said to himself. "He has the perfect arm!"
So, he brings him to the States and teaches him the great game of football. And the Bears go on to win the Super Bowl.
The young Afghan is hailed as the great hero of football, and when the coach asks him what he wants, all the young man wants is to call his mother.
"Mom," he says into the phone, "I just won the Super Bowl!"
"I don't want to talk to you", the old Muslim woman says."You are not my son!"
"I don't think you understand, Mother," the young man pleads. "I've won the greatest sporting event in the world. I'm here among thousands of my adoring fans."
"No! Let me tell you!" his mother retorts. "At this very moment, there are gunshots all around us. The neighborhood is a pile of rubble. Your two brothers were beaten within an inch of their lives last week, and I have to keep your sister in the house so she doesn't get r**...!" The old lady pauses, and then tearfully says, "I will never forgive you for making us move to Chicago !!!!
There was an International Job opening.
Two men applied, a Canadian man, and an American. After the test and the interview, they company decided to go with the Canadian man. The American with distraught asked why they decided to hire the Canadian and how he did in the interview and test. They said it was a very difficult decision because they both did equally well on the test and in the interview. The American was outraged. "THEN WHY DID YOU HIRE THE CANADIAN?!?." The manager then responded, "Well, you both did equally well in the interview, but the real problem was the test. You both got 9/10 on the test, but for question 10, the Canadian man put 'I don't know' and you put 'me neither.'"
Shout out to my Math Teacher for telling me this one.
Canadian summer
I asked my Canadian buddy "Did you have a good summer?"
He said "No! I was working that day."
A baby seal walks into a bar...
... and says,"I'll have anything but a Canadian Club."
What's a baby seals' least favourite drink?
Canadian Club on the Rocks
A Canadian walks into a cafe, and the barista asks, "Would you like a latte?"
And the Canadian responds to him "Nah, just a bit, eh."
You can explore canadian canuck reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean canadian pucks dad jokes. There are also canadian puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.
How do you know Justin Bieber is Canadian?
Only a Canadian could get a #1 on Billboard with a song called Sorry.
A Cuban, a Canadian, and a white supremacist walk into a bar.
The bartender says, "Ah, Senator Cruz, what are you having?"
No matter who wins the presidential election, it will be historic.
We'll either have the first female president, the first Jewish president, the first Canadian president, or the last president.
An Irish Lumberjack
A large Canadian lumber camp advertised that they were looking for a good Lumberjack. The very next day, a skinny Irishman showed up at the camp with his axe, and knocked on the Foreman's door.
The Foreman took one look at the small Irishman and told him to leave. "Just give me a chance to show you what I can do," said the Irishman.
"Okay, see that giant redwood over there?" said the Foreman. "Take your axe and go cut it down."
The Irishman headed for the tree, and in five minutes he was back knocking on the Foreman's door.
"I cut the tree down," said the Irishman.
"*Holy smokes!*" Said the Formean. "Where did you get the skill to chop down trees like that?"
"In the Sahara Forest," replied the Irishman.
Confused, the Forman asked "...don't you mean the Sahara Desert?"
"Is that what they call it now?"
A Canadian walks into a bar
A Canadian walks into a bar, steps back, apologizes to the bar, and walks away.
If I had a Nickel for every terrible Canadian rock band, I know I'd at least get a Nickelback.
I'll let myself out.
I s**... identify as a Canadian...
I'm eh-s**....
I just passed by Canadian citizenship test!
I got an eh +
If Canadians say "Ay" and Mexicans say "Si"...
Why don't Americans say "B"?
Nobody believes that I can name the Canadian Prime Minister.
It's Trudeau.
Why do Canadians always do it d**...?
So they can both watch the hockey game.
A Canadian psychologist is selling a video that teaches you how to test your dog's IQ.
Here's how it works: If you spend $12.99 for the video, your dog is smarter than you.
My Canadian friend did really well on an exam
He got an Eh
How do you stop Canadian bacon from curling in the frying pan?
You take away their brooms.
What did the Canadian s**... say after making a record-breaking kill shot?
Sorry
What's the difference between imitation bread and the Canadian prime minister?
One is fake dough, the other is Trudeau.
As a Canadian..
Every time I hear a bad joke about being Canadian...
...I go right to the Hospital and get my feelings checked for free
What do you call a Canadian p**...?
A leaf blower
In WW2 you could identify which nationality your opponent was from by observing their behaviors
If they respond to threats with precise rifle shots, they're British
If they respond with heavy machine gun fire, they're German
If they retreat, they're French
If they switch to your side, they're Italian
If they apologize, they're Canadian
If nothing happens for a few minutes then suddenly your camp is leveled to the ground, they're American
Exchange rate
I had a bunch of Canadian dollars I needed to exchange, so I went to
the currency exchange window at the local bank. Just one lady in front of me...an Asian lady who was trying to exchange yen for dollars and she was a little irritated. She asked the teller, 'Why it change? Yesterday, I get two hunat dolla fo yen. Today I get hunat eighty? Why it change?' The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, 'Fluctuations'. The Asian lady says, 'Fluc you white people, too'.
As a Canadian I never realized how slow my internet was until today.
I just now started seeing Thanksgiving posts!
I heard a rumour about the Canadian Prime Minister
Not sure if it's Trudeau.
Two Canadian body builders were working out at the gym.
After they were done, they sat together in the locker room.
One turned to the other and said, "I'm sore, eh?"
The other said, "What for?"
Wifi password
I was doing an overnight at a hotel away from home. I took my computer to the hotel lounge to do some work. I sat down at the bar and I asked the bartender, "What's the WiFi password?"
Bartender: You need to buy a drink first.
Me: Okay, I'll have a beer.
Bartender: We have Molson's Canadian on tap.
Me: Sure. How much is that?
Bartender: $8.00.
Me: Okay, here you go. What's the WiFi password?
Bartender: "youneedtobuyadrinkfirst" -- no spaces and all lowercase.
An american and Canadian are having a conversation
The american asks: Is it true that Canadians apologise a lot?
The Canadian thought about it for a while, shook his head, and replied:
I'm sorry, I don't know
I'm not an apologetic Canadian...
I'm sorry, I'm just not
Why are Canadians always over qualified for jobs in the US?
Because zero degrees in Canada is the same as 32 in the States.
Why are Canadians so good at sports?
They always bring their eh game
I've heard the Canadian Prime-Minister has a French last name.
Is this Trudeau?
An American is typing on a computer when he flies into a rage, shouting "How the h**... am I misspelling color"?
A Canadian takes a quick look at the screen before rolling his eyes and walking away, saying "that sounds like a you problem".
As a Canadian, the Presidential Debate feels like...
As a Canadian, the Presidential Debate feels like overhearing your downstairs neighbours debating about whether or not to set the building on fire.
Scotsman on holiday: what's yon beast over there?
Canadian: That's a moose!
Scotsman: Och, If that's a moose, how big are your cats?
Hopefully, Biden will never be the leader of my country
Because if he is, something's gone wrong with the Canadian legal system
If you say AT&T backwards
You sound like a Canadian Bomb Technician.
Why do Canadian cowboys have sticky feet?
Maple Stirrups.
Got the results for my Canadian citizenship test
Straight eh's
What's the most Canadian Battery?
Triple Eh!
A baby seal walks into a bar.
Bar keep asks, "what do you want?"
The baby seal replies, "anything but a Canadian Club on the rocks."
American kid: Mommy, what's a "Canadian"?
Well, dear, that's an unarmed citizen with health insurance.
A seal walks into a bar...
The bartender asks, What would you like?
"Anything but a Canadian Club on the rocks."
How do you get Canadian bacon to stop curling in the pan?
You take away the broom.
Donald Trump was walking through Manhattan and saw a long queue. Wondering what is was for, he joined it.
People would look over their shoulder, see that is was Donald Trump behind them, and leave the queue, so he would proceed closer and closer to the front.
As he was getting closer to the head of the queue, he asked o**..., who also looked and was about to walk away, "Wait a second, what is this queue for and why are you now leaving it?"
The man said "This is the queue for Canadian Immigration Visas, but if you are getting one, I don't need one now."
A Canadian visits America and gets held at gunpoint by a stranger
The stranger says, "give me all your money and I'll let you live!"
The Canadian replies gleefully, "Oh! You must be what they call a doctor!"
God and Canadians
When God made Canadians, he made them polite, peace-loving, and nice.
But the Devil said, "you are disturbing the balance of nature".
God thought about it, and said, "you are right. But I don't want to undo my work."
Devil: "well, there is only one way to fix this."
So God created Canadian Geese.
A Scotsman goes to visit his Canadian cousin
They're out walking in the wilderness, when suddenly this huge moose walks past them. The Scotsman, having never seen one before, is astounded.
"What the b**... h**... was that?" he asks.
"Oh, that?" the Canadian replies. "That's just one of our Canadian moose."
"Good God," the Scotsman cries, "if that's a moose, how big are your rats?!"
An amarican and a canadian wants to watch a movie together
American: Lets watch Titanic
Canadian: What's that about?
American: Yes, it was. A big one that sank!
When do Canadian sleep?
When Canadian Tire
You can tell that Wolverine is a Canadian character written by an American
His superpower is healthcare
Why did the Canadian Siamese twins go to the UK on vacation?
So the other one could drive.
I had a test on canadian provinces today
I got nunavut right
Why don't Canadian women wear sleevless dresses?
Because they aren't allowed to bare arms.
How do you get 30 Canadians out of a pool?
You say, O.K., everybody, it's time to get out of the pool!
I am trying to become a Canadian citizen and took the citizenship test yesterday.
The first question was Who's sorry now?
Mommy, what is a Canadian?
It's an unarmed North American with health insurance, sweetie.
A Canadian and an Inuit representative were arguing over land rights...
The Canadian representative insisted on having all of northern Canada to themselves, but the Inuit representative immediately cut them off, saying they were having Nunavut.
What do you call a Canadian b**...?
Aboot eh
(I'll ban myself)
My wife says I get mean when I drink whiskey. Now I drink Canadian whiskey.
I am still mean but I am sorry, too.
