Canada Jokes

What are some Canada jokes?

One day, Canada will become a superpower and take over the whole world

Then you'll all be sorry

What borders stupidity?

Mexico & Canada

One day Canada will rule the world

Then you'll all be sorry

50% of Canada

Is the letter A

My grandfather survived both the Hiroshima and Nagasaki bombings

Being in Canada helped.

Your favorite drink must be ginger ale.....

cause you leave every girl in Canada Dry.

What do Saudi Arabia and Canada have in common?

In both countries, it's legal to get stoned.

People are always saying Americans are fat, violent, and above all else, stupid

But every time I see one of those statistics maps about how terrible we are, there's this little country on the northwest border of Canada that's just as bad as we are.

Two clowns are running for public office...

It's funny for me though because I live in Canada.

One day Canada will conquer the world.

Everybody will be sorry.

My neighbor is loud and obnoxious

Now I know how Canada feels

In Canada, we don't call the homeless homeless...

We call them "three seasoners".


They don't make it through the fourth.

How much of northern Canada is livable?

*Nunavut*

When Canada was first founded, its leaders were having trouble coming up with a name.

Unable to come up with any ideas, they decided the best course of action would be to draw random letters out of a hat.

One man pulled out a letter, cleared his throat, and read,

"C, eh."

The letter was written down. The man pulled out another letter and read,

"N, eh."

This, too, was recorded. The man drew one more letter and read,

"D, eh."

It was time to name Canada

All the 4 founding hosiers were sitting around and no one could agree on a name. They finally decided to put a bunch of letters in a hat and 3 people would draw one out at a time while the last transcribed the name.

The first guy drew and read, "C, eh?"

The next drew, "N, eh?"

Finally the last maple head drew and said, "D, eh?"

How did they name Canada?

They picked letters out of a hat: C eh, N eh, D eh.

Why are Canadians always over qualified for jobs in the US?

Because zero degrees in Canada is the same as 32 in the States.

People should not move to Canada because of Trump

They should go to Mexico, then at least there will be a wall between them and Trump.

You know how Canada got its name right?

It was 3 guys sitting around a table and the first guy goes, "what about a C, eh?" the second guy says "yea what about an N eh?" and the last guy says "what about a D eh?"


I don't know if this has been told here before but it's definitely my goto joke.

Pets are like countries.

Dogs are like Canada. They're incredibly friendly, but to some, to a naive degree.



Cats are like England. They're rude and act like they're better than everybody, but we find them so charming for some reason.



Parrots are like America. They blindly repeat anybody they believe is of higher intelligence, especially if the owner is Russian.



Goldfish are like Carpatho-Ukraine. They'd be lucky to last a year.

When Canada was first unified, they realized they needed a name for this new country, so they decided to draw letters oot of a basket to name it.

The first prime minister went up on stage and started pulling letters and announcing them to the crowd. "C, eh?"..."N, eh?"..."D, eh?"

I love summer in Canada!

It's my favorite day of the year!

If Canada launched a space shuttle, what would it be called?

Apollo G

Eminem's "8 Mile" wasn't very well received in Canada

I guess the title "12.8748 Kilometer" just isn't as catchy.

Winter is like the Justin Bieber of seasons...

It was kind of cute and exciting when it first started out, now its a bit obnoxious and should probably just stay in Canada.

Canada already has a wall that keeps out the Mexicans...

Its called the United States.

Cold Cold Canada.

There was an elderly couple who lived in a small house, right smack dab on the U.S. and Canadian border. For several years the two goverments had argued over which nation the house belonged to. One day the elderly couple recived a letter stating that they were now considered full American citizens and there property was deemed as American soil. After reading this the old woman looks to her husband as says "Thank goodness, No more of those cold Canadian winters.

What borders on silly?

MΓ©xico & Canada

How much of Canada has a person from Iqaluit seen?

Nunavut.

How do you kill a 1 legged fox?

Make him run across Canada. (sorry)

Two rednecks flew to Canada on a hunting trip.



They chartered a small plane to take them into the Rockies for a week hunting moose.


They managed to bag 6. As they were loading the plane to return, the Pilot said the plane could take only 4 moose.


The two guys objected strongly. "Last year we shot six. The pilot let us take them all and he had the same plane as yours."


Reluctantly, the pilot gave in and all six were loaded. The plane took off. However, while attempting to cross some mountains, even on full power, the little plane couldn't handle the load and went down.


Somehow, surrounded by the moose bodies, only the two rednecks survived the
crash.


After climbing out of the wreckage, Billy Ray asked Billy Bob, "Any idea where we
are?"


Billy Bob replied, "I think we're pretty close to where we crashed last year."

Some people don't think Justin is the prime minister of Canada.

It's Trudeau

Three men are on a boat back to North America...

A Mexican, an American, and a Canadian are all heading back to their home countries after going on a vacation in Europe. Suddenly the boat starts to sink. The Canadian says, "The boat is too heavy, we need to get rid of some stuff." The Mexican says, "We already have too many of these in Mexico!" and he throws the tacos out of the boat. The Canadian says, "We already have too many of these in Canada!" and he throws all the maple syrup off the boat. The American says, "We already have too many of these in America!" and he throws the Mexican off the boat.

*apoligies for racism, I am not a racist person*

Pilot to co-pilot

The Air Canada plane leaves Pearson Airport under the control of a Jewish captain; his co-pilot is Chinese.
It's the first time they've flown together and an awkward silence between
the two seems to indicate a mutual dislike.
Once they reach cruising altitude, the Jewish captain activates the
auto-pilot, leans back in his seat, and mutters,
'I don't like Chinese..'
'No rike Chinese?' asks the co-pilot, 'why not?'
'You people bombed Pearl Harbor , that's why!'
'No, no', the co-pilot protests, 'Chinese not bomb Peahl Hahbah!
That Japanese, not Chinese.'
'Japanese, Chinese, Vietnamese....doesn't matter, you're all alike!'
There's a few minutes of silence.
'I no rike Jews!' the co-pilot suddenly announces.
'Oh yeah, why not?' asks the captain.
'Jews sink Titanic!' says the co-pilot.
'What? You're insane! Jews didn't sink the Titanic!' exclaims the captain,
'It was an iceberg!'
Iceberg, Goldberg, Greenberg, Rosenberg , ..no mattah...all fukin same.

I'll tell you what is bordering on the ridiculous...

Canada.

What's does America have that Canada doesn't?

Nice neighbors.

Not a dadjoke - but he told it to me anyway...

A bloke walks into a bar in New Zealand and orders a shandy. All the Kiwis sitting around the bar look up, expecting to see another Australian visitor.

The barman says, "You aren't from around here, are ya?"


The guy says, "No, I'm from Canada."


The bartender says, "What do you do in Canada?"


The guy says, "I'm a taxidermist."


The bartender says, "A tixidermist? What the hick is a tixidermist? Do you drive a tixi?'

"No, a taxidermist doesn't drive a taxi. I mount animals."


The bartender grins and yells, "He's okay, boys. He's one of us!"

There are three men, Nobody, No-one and Stupid.

They were on a fishing trip in Canada when the first fell in the river, and began to drown, as he had never learned to swim as a child.

The second stayed behind to help rescue him from the river.

The third ran to the nearest police station and explained the situation to the first police officer he saw.

"Officer! Come quickly, Nobody is drowning in the river and No-one is helping him!"

"Are you stupid?" Asked the officer

"I am, yes, nice to meet you."

Summer was especially good this year in Canada... If I recall correctly it was a friday

Only a few weeks left before Election Day in the US and I am still undecided...

...if I should move to Canada or New Zealand.

What's the most popular board game in Canada

Sorry.

A little story told by our parish priest.

A man goes to the pub and orders three beers. Everyone expects he's waiting for someone, but he drinks all the beers himself. The next week he does the same, and the next, until he becomes a regular. Eventually the other regulars get curious and ask him what his story is.

"Well," he says "I have two brothers. One has gone to England and the other has gone to Canada, but before they left, we made a promise to have one drink for each of us every Friday so that we can celebrate together no matter where we are."

One day the man comes in and orders only two beers. A fellow patron comes up to him cap in hand, looking distressed, and says "We are all very sorry for your loss."

The man smiles and replies "Oh, no! My brothers are still alive and well. But I gave up drinking for Lent."

What's the name of the elite hacking group from Canada?

Anonymoose

Apparently Canada banned trans fats today...

I don't really mind, but I wonder what my Aunt John is gonna do...

"Y'know with all the civil unrest, political corruption, class divides, drug smuggling, gang wars, police brutality, gun violence, and poor education maybe building a wall to protect us from our southern neighbors isn't such a bad idea"

\- Canada

Large tsunami hits Mexico - 300k were killed...

...Canada sends money, Brazilia sends food, USA sends 300k mexicans.

My neighbours are really obnoxious and crass

So now I know how Canada feels...

What part of Canada do the Inuit control?

Nunavut.

Despite what you may hear or read, the United States is close to perfection.

Canada!!!

It's only a matter of time before Canada conquers the world...

...then we'll all be sorry.

How did Canada get its name?

They had a bag of letters, and one person announced as he picked each letter out " 'C', eh, 'N', eh, 'D', eh".

TIL Canada was named by pulling letters from a hat.

>"C," eh? "N," eh? "D," eh?

I baked a cake shaped like Canada, and offered my brother the Quebec slice....

but he's having Nunavut.

How Canada Was Named

So the dignitaries of the associated Provinces of what we now call "Canada" got together over a game of Scrabble to determine the name of the country. They decided they would pick the name based on the first three letters they grabbed. First one: "C, eh?" Second one, "n, eh?" Third one, "d, eh?"

A Canadian, Iraqi and an Israeli

**** A Canadian, Iraqi and an Israeli ****

Three guys, a Canadian, an Iraqi and an Israeli are out walking together one day. They come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it. "I will give you each one wish, that's three wishes total," says the Genie.
The Canadian says, "I am a farmer, my dad was a farmer, and my son will also farm. I want the land to be forever fertile in Canada."
With a blink of the Genie's eye, 'FOOM' the land in Canada was forever made fertile for farming. Β 

The Iraqi was amazed, so he said, "I want a wall around Iraq, so that no infidels, Chri$tians or Jews, can come into our precious state." Β  Again, with a blink of the Genie's eye, 'POOF' there was a huge wall around Iraq.

Izzy Goldberg, the Israeli asks, "I'm very curious. Please tell me more about this wall." Β The Genie explains, "Well, it's about 150 feet high, 50 feet thick and completely surrounds the country; nothing can get in or out." Β Izzy says, "Fill it up with water"

I tried to get my friend to stop eating Canada...

But he was having Nunavut.

^^^the ^^^pronunciation ^^^doesn't ^^^work ^^^that ^^^way ^^^but ^^^whatever ^^^it's ^^^OC

I've been reading so much about the scary trade disputes between the US and Canada, I see headlines when I blink...

...Frankly, I'm tariff-eyed.

6 Moose

Two Irish hunters got a pilot to fly them to Canada to hunt moose. They
managed to bag 6.
As they were loading the plane to return, the pilot said the plane could
take only 4 moose.
The two lads objected strongly.
"Last year we shot six. The pilot let us take them all and he had the
same plane as yours."
Reluctantly, the pilot gave in and all six were loaded.
However, even on full power, the little plane couldn't handle the load
and went down.
Somehow, surrounded by the moose bodies, Paddy, Mick & the pilot
survived the crash.
After climbing out of the wreckage, Paddy asked Mick, "Any idea where we
are?"
"I think we're pretty close to where we crashed last year."

With cannabis being legal for over a year in canada, every province has access to weed except Quebec.

They only get oui'd

A man goes to an interview for a lumberman position​

Interviewer: So, what's your experience in the field? Where have you worked?

Man: I have worked in the Amazon forest, in Canada and in the Sahara desert

Interviewer: In the Sahara desert? But there are no trees there

Man: Yeah, now

Below our Southern border is filled with chaos, violence, and corruption. The government is in shambles and the people are always fighting amongst themselves.

Thank god I live in Canada.

Winter is like Justin Bieber

It was cute and fun at first, but now it's obnoxious and should probably stay in Canada.

The genie

Three guys, a Canadian, Osama Bin Laden and Uncle Sam are out walking together one day. They come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it. "I will give each of you one wish, that's three wishes total," says the Genie. The Canadian says, "I am a farmer, my dad was a farmer, and my son will also farm. I want the land to be forever fertile in Canada." With a blink of the Genie's eye, 'POOF' the land in Canada was forever made fertile for farming.

Osama Bin Laden was amazed, so he said, "I want a wall around Afghanistan, so that no infidels, Jews or Americans can come into our precious state." Again, with a blink of the Genie's eye, 'POOF' there was a huge wall around Afghanistan.

"Uncle Sam" (a former civil engineer), asks, "I'm very curious. Please tell me more about this wall." The Genie explains, "Well, it's about 15,000 feet high, 500 feet thick and completely surrounds the country; nothing can get in or out -- virtually impenetrable."

Uncle Sam then said, "Fill it with water"

On the topic of jokes we made up when we were younger, here's mine: "How much does Canada cost?"

Nothing. It's a free country.

An American couple travelling through Canada get lost while exploring farm country.

They see a farmer on the side of the road, so the husband pulls up.

"I'll go see where we are," he says as he gets out.

He approaches the farmer.

"Say there, can you tell me where we are?" he says.

"Saskatoon, Saskatchewan," the farmer says.

The man gets back in the car.

"Well, where are we?" the wife asks.

"I don't know," the man says. "He doesn't speak English."

"How far have you gone with a girl?"

"I went to Canada with my mum once"

Canada got it all wrong!

So Canada got it all wrong. I mean, they had the opportunity to have American technology, British culture and French cuisine, but went with American culture, British cuisine and French technology!

Heard this about 20 years ago and it still makes me chuckle. Can't beat a good stereotype!

What grade does a good student get in Canada?

Eh+

Tragedy in Eastern Canada

Canada's Worst Air Disaster occurred earlier today when a Cessna 152, a small two-seater plane, crashed into a cemetery early this morning in central Newfoundland.

Newfie search and rescue workers have recovered 826 bodies so far, and expect that number to climb as searching continues through the evening.

North Korea just announced it will host peace talks...

Between the United States and Canada.

To the "Remain" crowd in Britain... come to Canada!

Half of the US is moving here soon anyhow.

A man walks up to Parliament Hall...

Man: I need to speak to Prime Minister Harper immediately!

Guard: I'm sorry sir, Steven Harper is no longer the Prime Minister of Canada.

##The man leaves. The next day, the man comes back again.

Man: Please, I need to speak to Prime Minister Harper!

Guard: Like I told you yesterday sir, Steven Harper is no longer the Prime Minister of Canada.

##The man once again leaves. On the third day, he's back again.

Man: I need to speak to Prime Minister Harper!

The guard says: Sir, why do you keep coming back? This is the third time I'm telling you, Steven Harper is no longer the Prime Minister of Canada.

The man replies: I know, I just can't get tired of hearing you say that

The founding fathers of Canada are sitting in front of a map filling in names for cities...

Pierre: "I suppose the capital there should have a name, too, me."

Gaton "ought to, uh?"

How to make Canada jokes?

We have collected gags and puns about Canada to have fun with. Do you want to stand out in a crowd with a good sense of humour joking about Canada? If Yes here are a lot more hilarious lines and funny Canada pick up lines to share with friends.

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