canada Jokes

funny jokes and hilarious canada stories

What are the best Canada puns and pranks?

Did you ever wanted to prank someone about Canada? Well here is a complete list of Canada dad jokes:

Call me a racist if you want, but south of the border is a sea of violence, corruption and stupidity I wouldn't touch with a ten foot pole.

I just thank my lucky stars I live in Canada.

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In Canada, you are more likely to die of a kick of a moose than a terrorist attack.

Those damn moose limbs.

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One day, Canada will become a superpower and take over the whole world

Then you'll all be sorry

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Not a dadjoke - but he told it to me anyway...

A bloke walks into a bar in New Zealand and orders a shandy. All the Kiwis sitting around the bar look up, expecting to see another Australian visitor.

The barman says, "You aren't from around here, are ya?"


The guy says, "No, I'm from Canada."


The bartender says, "What do you do in Canada?"


The guy says, "I'm a taxidermist."


The bartender says, "A tixidermist? What the hick is a tixidermist? Do you drive a tixi?'

"No, a taxidermist doesn't drive a taxi. I mount animals."


The bartender grins and yells, "He's okay, boys. He's one of us!"

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My neighbor is loud and obnoxious

Now I know how Canada feels

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How did they name Canada?

They picked letters out of a hat: C eh, N eh, D eh.

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Undefined illness

Who said that health care in Canada was not up to par???

A Muslim immigrant in Toronto goes to the doctor and says "I feel terrible."

The doctor examines him and then says:

"You need to pee and put your bowel movements in a bucket for a week, then throw in a dead fish and some rotten cabbage.

Put a towel over your head and inhale the vapors for three days."

The Muslim does this and goes back to the doctor 3 days later and says "I feel wonderful! what was wrong with me?"

The doctor replied, "You were homesick."

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Eminem's "8 Mile" wasn't very well received in Canada

I guess the title "12.8748 Kilometer" just isn't as catchy.

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Winter is like the Justin Bieber of seasons...

It was kind of cute and exciting when it first started out, now its a bit obnoxious and should probably just stay in Canada.

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Cold Cold Canada.

There was an elderly couple who lived in a small house, right smack dab on the U.S. and Canadian border. For several years the two goverments had argued over which nation the house belonged to. One day the elderly couple recived a letter stating that they were now considered full American citizens and there property was deemed as American soil. After reading this the old woman looks to her husband as says "Thank goodness, No more of those cold Canadian winters.

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How much of Canada has a person from Iqaluit seen?

Nunavut.

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Three men are on a boat back to North America...

A Mexican, an American, and a Canadian are all heading back to their home countries after going on a vacation in Europe. Suddenly the boat starts to sink. The Canadian says, "The boat is too heavy, we need to get rid of some stuff." The Mexican says, "We already have too many of these in Mexico!" and he throws the tacos out of the boat. The Canadian says, "We already have too many of these in Canada!" and he throws all the maple syrup off the boat. The American says, "We already have too many of these in America!" and he throws the Mexican off the boat.

*apoligies for racism, I am not a racist person*

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Here's a joke from Canada

Jean Charest, Barack Obama and Vladimir Putin all die and go to hell.

While there, they spot a red phone and ask what the phone is for. The Devil tells them it is for calling back to Earth.

Putin asks to call Russia and talks for 15 minutes. When he is finished the Devil informs him that the cost is a million dollars, so Putin writes a cheque.

Obama calls the US and talks for an hour. When he is finished the Devil informs him that the cost is 4 million dollars, so he writes a cheque.

Finally Jean Charest gets his turn and talks for 4 hours. When he is finished the Devil informs him that the cost is 25 cents. Charest just smiles.

Obama and Putin go ballistic, and ask the Devil why Charest got to call Quebec for only 25 cents??

The devil smiles and replies: "Since Pauline Marois took over, the whole province has gone to hell. It's a local call."

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A little story told by our parish priest.

A man goes to the pub and orders three beers. Everyone expects he's waiting for someone, but he drinks all the beers himself. The next week he does the same, and the next, until he becomes a regular. Eventually the other regulars get curious and ask him what his story is.

"Well," he says "I have two brothers. One has gone to England and the other has gone to Canada, but before they left, we made a promise to have one drink for each of us every Friday so that we can celebrate together no matter where we are."

One day the man comes in and orders only two beers. A fellow patron comes up to him cap in hand, looking distressed, and says "We are all very sorry for your loss."

The man smiles and replies "Oh, no! My brothers are still alive and well. But I gave up drinking for Lent."

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Large tsunami hits Mexico - 300k were killed...

...Canada sends money, Brazilia sends food, USA sends 300k mexicans.

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What part of Canada do the Inuit control?

Nunavut.

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How did Canada get its name?

They had a bag of letters, and one person announced as he picked each letter out " 'C', eh, 'N', eh, 'D', eh".

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Canada Eliminates the Penny....

Canada eliminates the penny and advices retailers to round to the nearest nickel officially claiming they don't give a shit about its citizen's 2 cents....finally an honest government!

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With cannabis being legal for over a year in canada, every province has access to weed except Quebec.

They only get oui'd

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On the topic of jokes we made up when we were younger, here's mine: "How much does Canada cost?"

Nothing. It's a free country.

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Tragedy in Eastern Canada

Canada's Worst Air Disaster occurred earlier today when a Cessna 152, a small two-seater plane, crashed into a cemetery early this morning in central Newfoundland.

Newfie search and rescue workers have recovered 826 bodies so far, and expect that number to climb as searching continues through the evening.

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An American, a Canadian, and a Russian walk into a bar and find a rubella patient dying on the floor.

The American says: Tough luck, pal. But I'll tell you what, for thirty thousand I got a guy that can fix that for you.

The Canadian says: You don't look so good, buddy. Why don't you come back with me to Canada and we'll see what we can do, eh? Won't cost you a thing.

The Russian pulls out a gun and asks: Are you contagious?

The rubella patient nods.

Great, says the Russian. Now come with me to Afghanistan or I'll murder your family.

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A restaurant manager gets offered a promotion...

After calling him into his office, the owner of the store tells the manager that he would like to give him the opportunity of being an owner of his own at a location in Canada. "Canada?", the manager says, "The only people in Canada are idiots or hockey players!" The owner becomes very serious, and says "My wife is from Canada." The manager quickly responds, "Oh what team does she play for?"

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What's the most common blood type in Canada?

Eh.

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Winter is a lot like Justin Bieber.

It was cute and exciting in the begining, but now its a bit annoying and it should probably just stay in Canada.

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How did Canada pick its name?

There were two Canadians and an American. They put letters in a hat and drew. They got "C-eh", "N-eh", "D-eh". The American didn't know what was going on, but he relayed the message.


I know i need to work on my execution.

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Heaven and Hell

"Heaven is where the police are British, the chefs Italian, the mechanics German, the lovers French and it is all organized by the Swiss. Hell is where the police are German, the chefs British, the mechanics French, the lovers Swiss and it is all organized by the Italians."

Bonus:
"Canada could have had it all. They could have had American technology, French cuisine, and British culture. Instead, they ended up with French technology, British cuisine, and American culture."

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The computer was claimed to answer anything correctly.

But the CEO didn't believe it, so he asked "Where's my father right now?". The computer beeped and whirred for a few seconds, and spat out "Your father is fishing in Canada". The CEO joyfully chortled "See, your computer isn't always right, my father died when I was 10 years old!" The computer spat out "Your mothers husband died 25 years ago. Your father just landed an 8 pound trout."

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how do you piss of a frenchman?

ask him what part of canada he's from

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Canada plans on removing the polar bear from the Tonnie.

And replace it with two gay deer, it's called two fucking bucks.

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Border Guard

An American couple was crossing the border into Canada. The border guard notices that the wife's white skin is red and blue from a beating. So the border guard says to the husband, "You better not be doing that here in Canada Eh, cause those colours don't fly here".

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A plane ride.

A Canadian, an Irishman, and a Mexican are on a plane. So they're flying over Mexico and the Mexican dropped a coin because he loves his country. Then, they fly over Ireland and the Irishman dropped a coin because he loves his country. But when they flew over Canada the Canadian dropped a bomb because he hates his country. The next day the Mexican was walking down the street and saw a little boy crying so he asked why. The little boy said "A coin fell down and killed my Mom!". The same day the Irishman was walking down the street and saw a little girl crying so hr asked why. The little girl said "Because a coin fell down and killed my sister!". The next day the Canadian was walking down the road and saw a little boy laughing so he asked why. The little boy said "I farted and my neighbours house blew up!"


Sorry for the length.

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A Real Woman

A flight going from Canada to Germany, suddenly had it's engine fail.The Pilot, realizing they wouldn't be able to survive the impact, told everyone to brace themselves for the upcoming crash.

A woman stood up, and said "I'm not gonna die like this, afraid and crouching. Is anyone here man enough to make me feel like a REAL woman before I die?"

There was a long silence, then a man stood up, unbuttoned his shirt, then unbuckled his belt. He quickly pulled off his pants and shirt, threw it towards her, and said "Here, Iron this".

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How do you spell Canada in Canadian?

C, eh! N, eh!, D, eh!

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How far have you gone with a girl?

I went to Canada with my mom once.

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What was the internet speed in Canada in the 1990's?

56eh.

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Have you heard about the tragedy of Canada?

The tragedy of Canada is that we could have had English culture, French cuisine, and American technology. Instead we have American culture, English cuisine, and French technology.

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Why do Canadian's say "A" so much?

Just look at our name. C-A-N-A-D-A

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How Canada was named

In the year 1534, there were 3 explorers who discovered a great piece of land. They had no idea what to name it. So they each decided to pick a letter out of a hat, and go from there.

The first explorer picked the letter C.

"C, eh?" He said

The second picked the letter N.

"N, eh?" He said.

Finally, the third explorer went. He picked D

"D, eh?" He said

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The Naming of Canada

When Sir John A. McDonald and his cronies were trying to figure out a new name for our (soon-to-be) great country, someone had a (typically Canadian) idea:

"Let's put all the letters into a hat and draw three of them.
That will be the new name of this place ..."
So they did ...

The first letter is pulled, and our hero shouts - "C" eh!?
The second letter is pulled, and our hero shouts - "N" eh!?
The third letter is pulled, and our hero shouts - "D" eh!?

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UNBELIEVABLE!!! Woman Stops Grizzly Attack With 25 Caliber Pistol !

This is a story of self-control and marksmanship with an itsy bitsy shooter by a woman against a fierce predator.

What is the smallest caliber you trust to protect yourself?

While out hiking in Alberta, Canada with my boyfriend, we were surprised by a huge grizzly bear charging at us from out of nowhere. She must have been protecting her cubs because she was extremely aggressive.

If I had not had my little Beretta Jetfire with me I would not be here today!

Just one shot to my boyfriend's knee cap was all it took. The bear got him and I was able to escape by just walking away at a brisk pace.

It's one of the best pistols in my collection.

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Four cops had to take a test...

They were all asked the same question:
"What would you do if a man with a knife was coming at you?"

The Cop from the U.K answered by listing the steps in order what he was taught to do in Police Academy and in the Police Handbook

The Cop from the U.S Answered:
"BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG"

The Cop from Japan answered:
"Disarm the man and arrest him using any form of martial arts that is best suited"

The Cop from Canada answered:
"Please put the knife down."

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Whats the difference between my super hot girlfriend and Canada?

Canada is real.

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I'm thinking of running as the Prime Minister of Canada

Does anyone have any shoe polish I can borrow for Halloween?

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A Texan was talking to a rancher from Canada...

about the overseas market. The Texan was bragging about his huge herds and the vast amounts of money he was making shipping thousands of heads of cattle overseas every year to the Chinese market.

The Canadian, not wanting to be outdone, shot back, "Yeah? Well I ship that much cattle every month!"

The Texan looked at him for a moment, then smiled as he said, "Well, you got me there then. You clearly are the biggest bull shipper I ever met!"

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Miss Canada

What do you give the recent Miss Canada who is "competing" in the Miss Universe pagent?

Either the key to the city because she's a damn super hero or a 5 min major for excessive "high sticking"

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Did you know Canada was originally going to be called "CND"?

When they were asked to spell it, they spelled it: C-eh. N-eh. D-eh.

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In Canada...

...you are more likely to be killed by a moose than a terror plot.

Damn Mooselisms.

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I bought a candy bar in Canada for a dollar and I got one nickel back.

I told the cashier to keep it because I don't care much for their music.

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how did canada choose its name?

They pulled letters out of a hat.

C, eh

N, eh

D, eh

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CONCLUSION

You've red some of the best canada jokes of all time. We hope you had fun with this collection of 50 puns about canada. Most of the stories are suitable for kids with good sense of humor, children or teens boys and girls, of course dads. You must supervise your chidlren not to read pranks for adults. Note that some jokes are disgusting, filled with black humor so don't tell dirty canada gags to your kids. So please respect and be a good joking daddy !

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