canada Jokes

funny jokes and hilarious canada puns

Call me a racist if you want, but south of the border is a sea of violence, corruption and stupidity I wouldn't touch with a ten foot pole.

I just thank my lucky stars I live in Canada.

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In Canada, you are more likely to die of a kick of a moose than a terrorist attack.

Those damn moose limbs.

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Two rednecks flew to Canada on a hunting trip.



They chartered a small plane to take them into the Rockies for a week hunting moose.


They managed to bag 6. As they were loading the plane to return, the Pilot said the plane could take only 4 moose.


The two guys objected strongly. "Last year we shot six. The pilot let us take them all and he had the same plane as yours."


Reluctantly, the pilot gave in and all six were loaded. The plane took off. However, while attempting to cross some mountains, even on full power, the little plane couldn't handle the load and went down.


Somehow, surrounded by the moose bodies, only the two rednecks survived the
crash.


After climbing out of the wreckage, Billy Ray asked Billy Bob, "Any idea where we
are?"


Billy Bob replied, "I think we're pretty close to where we crashed last year."

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One day, Canada will become a superpower and take over the whole world

Then you'll all be sorry

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What borders stupidity?

Mexico & Canada

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Some day, Canada will take over the world.

And then we'll all be sorry.

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One day Canada will take over the world

Then we'll all be sorry

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Some day, canada will take over the world.

And then we'll all be sorry.

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One day Canada will rule the world

Then you'll all be sorry

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A guy walks into a bar in West Virginia and orders a white wine.

All the hillbillies sitting around the bar look up from their beer and whiskey,expecting to see some pitiful Yankee from the north.
The bartender says, "You ain't from around here, are ya?"
The guy says, "No, I'm from Canada."
" Canada " The bartender says, "What do you do in Canada?"
The guy says, "I'm a taxidermist."
The bartender says, "A taxidermist? What in the hell is a taxidermist? Do you drive a taxi?"
"No," says the Canadian "I don't drive a taxi, I mount animals."
The bartender grins and hollers,
"It's okay boys. He's one of us."

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One day Canada will take over the world.

Then we'll all be sorry.

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What's the difference between America and Canada?

The Americans have really nice neighbors.

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Electing Trump would really strengthen our dollar

Sincerely,
Canada

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Not a dadjoke - but he told it to me anyway...

A bloke walks into a bar in New Zealand and orders a shandy. All the Kiwis sitting around the bar look up, expecting to see another Australian visitor.

The barman says, "You aren't from around here, are ya?"


The guy says, "No, I'm from Canada."


The bartender says, "What do you do in Canada?"


The guy says, "I'm a taxidermist."


The bartender says, "A tixidermist? What the hick is a tixidermist? Do you drive a tixi?'

"No, a taxidermist doesn't drive a taxi. I mount animals."


The bartender grins and yells, "He's okay, boys. He's one of us!"

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6 Moose

Two Irish hunters got a pilot to fly them to Canada to hunt moose. They
managed to bag 6.
As they were loading the plane to return, the pilot said the plane could
take only 4 moose.
The two lads objected strongly.
"Last year we shot six. The pilot let us take them all and he had the
same plane as yours."
Reluctantly, the pilot gave in and all six were loaded.
However, even on full power, the little plane couldn't handle the load
and went down.
Somehow, surrounded by the moose bodies, Paddy, Mick & the pilot
survived the crash.
After climbing out of the wreckage, Paddy asked Mick, "Any idea where we
are?"
"I think we're pretty close to where we crashed last year."

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What borders stupidity?

Canada and Mexico.

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50% of Canada

Is the letter A

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My grandfather survived both the Hiroshima and Nagasaki bombings

Being in Canada helped.

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Call me a racist if you want, but the other side of the border is a sea of violence, corruption, and stupidity I wouldn't touch with a twenty-foot pole.

I'm so fucking glad I live in Canada.

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Your favorite drink must be ginger ale.....

cause you leave every girl in Canada Dry.

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What do Saudi Arabia and Canada have in common?

In both countries, it's legal to get stoned.

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People are always saying Americans are fat, violent, and above all else, stupid

But every time I see one of those statistics maps about how terrible we are, there's this little country on the northwest border of Canada that's just as bad as we are.

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A guy walks into a bar in West Virginia and orders a white wine.

All the hillbillies sitting around the bar look up from their beer and whiskey,expecting to see some pitiful Yankee from the north. The bartender says, "You ain't from around here, are ya?" The guy says, "No, I'm from Canada." " Canada " The bartender says, "What do you do in Canada?" The guy says, "I'm a taxidermist." The bartender says, "A taxidermist? What in the hell is a taxidermist? Do you drive a taxi?" "No," says the Canadian "I don't drive a taxi, I mount animals." The bartender grins and hollers, "It's okay boys. He's one of us."

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A Scotsman went skiing in Canada for the first time.

At the end of a great day on the slopes, he retired to the local tavern. After getting six whiskeys in him he stood up and turned around to discover a large, stuffed animal head with giant antlers hanging from the wall.

"Barkeep," he said, "what the hell is that?"

The bartender said, "Oh that's a moose!"

The Scotsman bugged out his eyes and cried, "Holy crap! How big are the cats?!"

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Two clowns are running for public office...

It's funny for me though because I live in Canada.

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One day Canada will conquer the world.

Everybody will be sorry.

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My neighbor is loud and obnoxious

Now I know how Canada feels

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In Canada, we don't call the homeless homeless...

We call them "three seasoners".


They don't make it through the fourth.

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How much of northern Canada is livable?

*Nunavut*

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One day, Canada will take over the world.

Then we'll all be sorry.

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When Canada was first founded, its leaders were having trouble coming up with a name.

Unable to come up with any ideas, they decided the best course of action would be to draw random letters out of a hat.

One man pulled out a letter, cleared his throat, and read,

"C, eh."

The letter was written down. The man pulled out another letter and read,

"N, eh."

This, too, was recorded. The man drew one more letter and read,

"D, eh."

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Scottish bloke goes on a skiing holiday to Canada

This Scottish bloke goes on a skiing holiday to Canada. After a hard day on the slopes he retires to a bar at the bottom of the mountain. After about five or six whiskeys, he looks up and notices a stuffed animal with antlers on the wall. He asks the barman, "What the fuck is that?".
The barman says, "It's a Moose." The Scottish chap says, "Fuck me! How big are the cats?"

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It was time to name Canada

All the 4 founding hosiers were sitting around and no one could agree on a name. They finally decided to put a bunch of letters in a hat and 3 people would draw one out at a time while the last transcribed the name.

The first guy drew and read, "C, eh?"

The next drew, "N, eh?"

Finally the last maple head drew and said, "D, eh?"

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How did they name Canada?

They picked letters out of a hat: C eh, N eh, D eh.

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People should not move to Canada because of Trump

They should go to Mexico, then at least there will be a wall between them and Trump.

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One day Canada will rule the world

And we'll all be sorry!

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You know how Canada got its name right?

It was 3 guys sitting around a table and the first guy goes, "what about a C, eh?" the second guy says "yea what about an N eh?" and the last guy says "what about a D eh?"


I don't know if this has been told here before but it's definitely my goto joke.

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Undefined illness

Who said that health care in Canada was not up to par???

A Muslim immigrant in Toronto goes to the doctor and says "I feel terrible."

The doctor examines him and then says:

"You need to pee and put your bowel movements in a bucket for a week, then throw in a dead fish and some rotten cabbage.

Put a towel over your head and inhale the vapors for three days."

The Muslim does this and goes back to the doctor 3 days later and says "I feel wonderful! what was wrong with me?"

The doctor replied, "You were homesick."

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When Canada was first unified, they realized they needed a name for this new country, so they decided to draw letters oot of a basket to name it.

The first prime minister went up on stage and started pulling letters and announcing them to the crowd. "C, eh?"..."N, eh?"..."D, eh?"

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I love summer in Canada!

It's my favorite day of the year!

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One of these days, Canada will take over the world

Then you will all be sorry!

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A few years back, three men - a Canadian farmer, Osama bin Laden and an Aussie are all walking together one day...

...
They come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it.
'I will give each of you one wish, which is three wishes in total',
Says the Genie.

The Canadian says, 'I am a farmer and my son will also farm. I want the land to be forever fertile in Canada '
POOF! With the blink of the Genie's eye, the land in Canada was forever fertile for farming.
Osama was amazed, so he said, 'I want a wall around Afghanistan , Palestine , Iraq and Iran so that no infidels, Americans or Canadians
Can come into our precious land.'
POOF! Again, with the blink of the Genie's eye, there was a huge wall around those countries.
The Aussie says, 'I am very curious.
Please tell me more about this wall.'
The Genie explains, 'Well, it's about 5,000 feet high, 5oo feet thick and completely surrounds the countries. Nothing can get in or out;
it's virtually impenetrable.'
The Aussie sits down on his Harley , cracks a beer, lights a cigarette,
Smiles and says,
'Fill the fucker with water.'

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An 86 year old man goes in to his yearly checkup.

His doctor says, "You're looking good, how do you feel?"

The old man says, "I feel *great*. I have a 25 year old wife who's carrying my baby. What do you think about that?"

The doctor says, "That reminds me of another patient I have who's about your age. He an avid hunter and never misses a season. This past year he went hunting beavers in Canada but when he got to the woods he realized he had forgotten to pack his rifle. To make the best of things he got his lunch and walking stick and went for a hike. After a while he happened upon a beaver tending to his damn. Just to satisfy himself, he raised his walking stick to his cheek like it was his rifle, took aim and said, "Bang. Bang." Just then two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead. What do you think about that?

The old man said, "Well logic would dictate that there was somebody else out there that plugged the beaver."

His doctor said, "*Exactly my point*."

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If Canada launched a space shuttle, what would it be called?

Apollo G

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The Government of Canada is reducing the age of consent for anal sex to 16. Critics are suggesting that this is too early to be rectally penetrated, but I respectfully disagree.

As a Canadian, I wish to make it known that I heartily endorse this decision.

These are tumultuous times. Now more than ever, it is vitally important that our young people are equipped with the knowledge and experience they will need to succeed in the real world.

And nothing prepares you for the real world like being fucked in the ass.

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Eminem's "8 Mile" wasn't very well received in Canada

I guess the title "12.8748 Kilometer" just isn't as catchy.

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Winter is like the Justin Bieber of seasons...

It was kind of cute and exciting when it first started out, now its a bit obnoxious and should probably just stay in Canada.

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Cold Cold Canada.

There was an elderly couple who lived in a small house, right smack dab on the U.S. and Canadian border. For several years the two goverments had argued over which nation the house belonged to. One day the elderly couple recived a letter stating that they were now considered full American citizens and there property was deemed as American soil. After reading this the old woman looks to her husband as says "Thank goodness, No more of those cold Canadian winters.

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Canada already has a wall that keeps out the Mexicans...

Its called the United States.

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What borders on silly?

MΓ©xico & Canada

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Two Irishmen flew to Canada on a hunting trip. They chartered a small plane to take them into the Rockies for a week hunting moose.....

With some luck they managed to bag Six.

As they were loading the plane to return, the pilot said the plane could take only Four moose.

The two lads objected strongly. "Last year we shot six as well! The pilot let us take them all and he had the same plane as yours!?!"

Reluctantly, the pilot gave in and all six were loaded. The plane took off. However, while attempting to cross some mountains even on full power the little plane couldn't handle the extra load of the Moose and promptly went down.

Somehow, surrounded by the moose bodies, Paddy and Mick survived the crash.

After climbing out of the wreckage, Paddy asked Mick, "Any idea where we are?"

Mick replied....... "I can't be sure, but I think we're pretty close to where we crashed last year."

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Irish hunters

Two Irish hunters got a pilot to fly them to Canada to hunt moose.
They bagged six.
As they started loading the plane for the return trip, The pilot said the plane could take only four moose. The two lads objected strongly. "Last year we shot six, and the pilot let us put them all on board; he had the same plane as yours."
Reluctantly, the pilot gave in and all six were loaded. However, even with full power, the little plane couldn't handle the load and went down. A few moments after, climbing out of the wreckage, Paddy asked Mick, "Any idea where we are?" "I think we're pretty close to where we crashed last year."?

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How much of Canada has a person from Iqaluit seen?

Nunavut.

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How do you kill a 1 legged fox?

Make him run across Canada. (sorry)

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My new neighbor is fat, obnoxious, and loud.

Now I know how Canada feels.

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Someone once told me Trump was the president of Canada also...

I don't think that's Trudeau

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What has four hairy legs and fucks my sister on Christmas?

Me and my dad! Merry Christmas from the Alabama of the north, Alberta Canada .

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What's the difference between America and Canada?

This joke has been blocked by your ISP.

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Some people don't think Justin is the prime minister of Canada.

It's Trudeau

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Three men are on a boat back to North America...

A Mexican, an American, and a Canadian are all heading back to their home countries after going on a vacation in Europe. Suddenly the boat starts to sink. The Canadian says, "The boat is too heavy, we need to get rid of some stuff." The Mexican says, "We already have too many of these in Mexico!" and he throws the tacos out of the boat. The Canadian says, "We already have too many of these in Canada!" and he throws all the maple syrup off the boat. The American says, "We already have too many of these in America!" and he throws the Mexican off the boat.

*apoligies for racism, I am not a racist person*

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One day canada will conquer the world

And then you'll all be sorry

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Pilot to co-pilot

The Air Canada plane leaves Pearson Airport under the control of a Jewish captain; his co-pilot is Chinese.
It's the first time they've flown together and an awkward silence between
the two seems to indicate a mutual dislike.
Once they reach cruising altitude, the Jewish captain activates the
auto-pilot, leans back in his seat, and mutters,
'I don't like Chinese..'
'No rike Chinese?' asks the co-pilot, 'why not?'
'You people bombed Pearl Harbor , that's why!'
'No, no', the co-pilot protests, 'Chinese not bomb Peahl Hahbah!
That Japanese, not Chinese.'
'Japanese, Chinese, Vietnamese....doesn't matter, you're all alike!'
There's a few minutes of silence.
'I no rike Jews!' the co-pilot suddenly announces.
'Oh yeah, why not?' asks the captain.
'Jews sink Titanic!' says the co-pilot.
'What? You're insane! Jews didn't sink the Titanic!' exclaims the captain,
'It was an iceberg!'
Iceberg, Goldberg, Greenberg, Rosenberg , ..no mattah...all fukin same.

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Some day Canada will rule the world.

Then you'll all be sorry.

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Here's a joke from Canada

Jean Charest, Barack Obama and Vladimir Putin all die and go to hell.

While there, they spot a red phone and ask what the phone is for. The Devil tells them it is for calling back to Earth.

Putin asks to call Russia and talks for 15 minutes. When he is finished the Devil informs him that the cost is a million dollars, so Putin writes a cheque.

Obama calls the US and talks for an hour. When he is finished the Devil informs him that the cost is 4 million dollars, so he writes a cheque.

Finally Jean Charest gets his turn and talks for 4 hours. When he is finished the Devil informs him that the cost is 25 cents. Charest just smiles.

Obama and Putin go ballistic, and ask the Devil why Charest got to call Quebec for only 25 cents??

The devil smiles and replies: "Since Pauline Marois took over, the whole province has gone to hell. It's a local call."

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I'll tell you what is bordering on the ridiculous...

Canada.

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What's does America have that Canada doesn't?

Nice neighbors.

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There are three men, Nobody, No-one and Stupid.

They were on a fishing trip in Canada when the first fell in the river, and began to drown, as he had never learned to swim as a child.

The second stayed behind to help rescue him from the river.

The third ran to the nearest police station and explained the situation to the first police officer he saw.

"Officer! Come quickly, Nobody is drowning in the river and No-one is helping him!"

"Are you stupid?" Asked the officer

"I am, yes, nice to meet you."

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Summer was especially good this year in Canada... If I recall correctly it was a friday

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A little story told by our parish priest.

A man goes to the pub and orders three beers. Everyone expects he's waiting for someone, but he drinks all the beers himself. The next week he does the same, and the next, until he becomes a regular. Eventually the other regulars get curious and ask him what his story is.

"Well," he says "I have two brothers. One has gone to England and the other has gone to Canada, but before they left, we made a promise to have one drink for each of us every Friday so that we can celebrate together no matter where we are."

One day the man comes in and orders only two beers. A fellow patron comes up to him cap in hand, looking distressed, and says "We are all very sorry for your loss."

The man smiles and replies "Oh, no! My brothers are still alive and well. But I gave up drinking for Lent."

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What's the most popular board game in Canada

Sorry.

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Only a few weeks left before Election Day in the US and I am still undecided...

...if I should move to Canada or New Zealand.

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What's the name of the elite hacking group from Canada?

Anonymoose

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What borders on stupidity?

Mexico and Canada

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My new neighbour is fat, obnoxious and loud...

Now I know how Canada feels

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Apparently Canada banned trans fats today...

I don't really mind, but I wonder what my Aunt John is gonna do...

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"Y'know with all the civil unrest, political corruption, class divides, drug smuggling, gang wars, police brutality, gun violence, and poor education maybe building a wall to protect us from our southern neighbors isn't such a bad idea"

\- Canada

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A scot visited Canada for the first time

A scot visited Canada for the first time. While sightseeing he saw a strange, giant creature he had never seen before.
"What the fook was that?" He asked a local.
"Oh that? That's a moose." Said the local.
"A moose?" The scottish exclaimed. "How big are your rats?!"

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Large tsunami hits Mexico - 300k were killed...

...Canada sends money, Brazilia sends food, USA sends 300k mexicans.

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My neighbours are really obnoxious and crass

So now I know how Canada feels...

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What part of Canada do the Inuit control?

Nunavut.

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How did Canada name their country?

They picked random letters from a hat.

C, eh?

N, eh?

D, eh?

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Despite what you may hear or read, the United States is close to perfection.

Canada!!!

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What's the difference between America and Canada?

The Americans have really nice neighbors

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How did Canada get its name?

They had a bag of letters, and one person announced as he picked each letter out " 'C', eh, 'N', eh, 'D', eh".

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It's only a matter of time before Canada conquers the world...

...then we'll all be sorry.

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I baked a cake shaped like Canada, and offered my brother the Quebec slice....

but he's having Nunavut.

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TIL Canada was named by pulling letters from a hat.

>"C," eh? "N," eh? "D," eh?

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How Canada Was Named

So the dignitaries of the associated Provinces of what we now call "Canada" got together over a game of Scrabble to determine the name of the country. They decided they would pick the name based on the first three letters they grabbed. First one: "C, eh?" Second one, "n, eh?" Third one, "d, eh?"

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A Canadian, Iraqi and an Israeli

**** A Canadian, Iraqi and an Israeli ****

Three guys, a Canadian, an Iraqi and an Israeli are out walking together one day. They come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it. "I will give you each one wish, that's three wishes total," says the Genie.
The Canadian says, "I am a farmer, my dad was a farmer, and my son will also farm. I want the land to be forever fertile in Canada."
With a blink of the Genie's eye, 'FOOM' the land in Canada was forever made fertile for farming. Β 

The Iraqi was amazed, so he said, "I want a wall around Iraq, so that no infidels, Chri$tians or Jews, can come into our precious state." Β  Again, with a blink of the Genie's eye, 'POOF' there was a huge wall around Iraq.

Izzy Goldberg, the Israeli asks, "I'm very curious. Please tell me more about this wall." Β The Genie explains, "Well, it's about 150 feet high, 50 feet thick and completely surrounds the country; nothing can get in or out." Β Izzy says, "Fill it up with water"

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Canada Eliminates the Penny....

Canada eliminates the penny and advices retailers to round to the nearest nickel officially claiming they don't give a shit about its citizen's 2 cents....finally an honest government!

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What do Canada and Saudi Arabia have in common?

It's legal to get stoned.

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I tried to get my friend to stop eating Canada...

But he was having Nunavut.

^^^the ^^^pronunciation ^^^doesn't ^^^work ^^^that ^^^way ^^^but ^^^whatever ^^^it's ^^^OC

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I've been reading so much about the scary trade disputes between the US and Canada, I see headlines when I blink...

...Frankly, I'm tariff-eyed.

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With cannabis being legal for over a year in canada, every province has access to weed except Quebec.

They only get oui'd

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A man goes to an interview for a lumberman position​

Interviewer: So, what's your experience in the field? Where have you worked?

Man: I have worked in the Amazon forest, in Canada and in the Sahara desert

Interviewer: In the Sahara desert? But there are no trees there

Man: Yeah, now

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The genie

Three guys, a Canadian, Osama Bin Laden and Uncle Sam are out walking together one day. They come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it. "I will give each of you one wish, that's three wishes total," says the Genie. The Canadian says, "I am a farmer, my dad was a farmer, and my son will also farm. I want the land to be forever fertile in Canada." With a blink of the Genie's eye, 'POOF' the land in Canada was forever made fertile for farming.

Osama Bin Laden was amazed, so he said, "I want a wall around Afghanistan, so that no infidels, Jews or Americans can come into our precious state." Again, with a blink of the Genie's eye, 'POOF' there was a huge wall around Afghanistan.

"Uncle Sam" (a former civil engineer), asks, "I'm very curious. Please tell me more about this wall." The Genie explains, "Well, it's about 15,000 feet high, 500 feet thick and completely surrounds the country; nothing can get in or out -- virtually impenetrable."

Uncle Sam then said, "Fill it with water"

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Winter is like Justin Bieber

It was cute and fun at first, but now it's obnoxious and should probably stay in Canada.

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On the topic of jokes we made up when we were younger, here's mine: "How much does Canada cost?"

Nothing. It's a free country.

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"How far have you gone with a girl?"

"I went to Canada with my mum once"

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What grade does a good student get in Canada?

Eh+

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Tragedy in Eastern Canada

Canada's Worst Air Disaster occurred earlier today when a Cessna 152, a small two-seater plane, crashed into a cemetery early this morning in central Newfoundland.

Newfie search and rescue workers have recovered 826 bodies so far, and expect that number to climb as searching continues through the evening.

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Does this one work in english...?

Q: What borders on stupidity and ignorance?
A: Canada and Mexico

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North Korea just announced it will host peace talks...

Between the United States and Canada.

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To the "Remain" crowd in Britain... come to Canada!

Half of the US is moving here soon anyhow.

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A man walks up to Parliament Hall...

Man: I need to speak to Prime Minister Harper immediately!

Guard: I'm sorry sir, Steven Harper is no longer the Prime Minister of Canada.

##The man leaves. The next day, the man comes back again.

Man: Please, I need to speak to Prime Minister Harper!

Guard: Like I told you yesterday sir, Steven Harper is no longer the Prime Minister of Canada.

##The man once again leaves. On the third day, he's back again.

Man: I need to speak to Prime Minister Harper!

The guard says: Sir, why do you keep coming back? This is the third time I'm telling you, Steven Harper is no longer the Prime Minister of Canada.

The man replies: I know, I just can't get tired of hearing you say that

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This Scottish bloke goes on a skiing holiday to Canada and after a hard day on the slopes, he retires to a bar at the bottom of the mountain. After about five or six whiskeys, he looks up and notices a stuffed animal with antlers on the wall...

He asks the barman, "What the fuck is that?"

The barman says, "It's a moose."

The Scottish chap says, "Fuck me! How big are the cats?"

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The founding fathers of Canada are sitting in front of a map filling in names for cities...

Pierre: "I suppose the capital there should have a name, too, me."

Gaton "ought to, uh?"

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A mousse

This Scottish bloke goes on a skiing holiday to Canada.
After a hard day on the slopes he retires to a bar at the bottom of the mountain.
After about five or six whiskeys, he looks up and notices a stuffed animal with antlers on the wall.
He asks the barman, "What the hell is that?"
The barman says, "It's a Moose."
The Scottish chap says, "Bloody hell! How big are the cats?"

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Why did the US citizen cross the road?

To cross the border into Canada.

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One day, Canada will take over the world

and you'll all be sorry.

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Do you know why Canada has "the Beaver" as it's national symbol?

Because Canada is the best "damn" country in the world!

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The Baker

A Baker specializing in making Rye bread is disheartened. He works long hours and while his wages are decent, they are nothing special. He wants to strike it rich and make something of himself.

He hears that a lot of money can be make for trapping in the Canadian wilderness so he sells his bakery and moves to Canada to fulfill his dreams.

Unfortunately it doesn't go as planned. He is making even less money than before. After a while he fears he will not have enough money to feed himself.

He goes to a bar to drown his sorrows, and explains this all to a man at the bar. The Baker asks him what he should do.

I he man says, "if at furs you don't succeed, try rye again."

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How Canada got it's name, eh

Three men were hiking in the wilds north of America, in the country that is now known as Canada.

They gradually realize that they are exploring undiscovered territory.

Man 1 looks at his buddies, clearly excited.

I think we discovered a new land, eh! He says enthusiastically.
We're venturing where no men have ever gone before, eh, Man
2 agrees, also excited.
Let's name it, Man 3 decides.
We'll each pick a letter, so it'll be fair, eh!

The three of them agree to this method, and Man 1 begins.

C, eh, Man 1 starts.

N, eh, Man 2 continues.

D, eh, Man 3 finishes.

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When Canada takes over the world...

Everyone will be sorry.

(As I am for this joke)

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What would you get if Canada had a kid with Mexico?

Juantario

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An American, a Canadian, and a Russian walk into a bar and find a rubella patient dying on the floor.

The American says: Tough luck, pal. But I'll tell you what, for thirty thousand I got a guy that can fix that for you.

The Canadian says: You don't look so good, buddy. Why don't you come back with me to Canada and we'll see what we can do, eh? Won't cost you a thing.

The Russian pulls out a gun and asks: Are you contagious?

The rubella patient nods.

Great, says the Russian. Now come with me to Afghanistan or I'll murder your family.

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Soup for the Mind in riddle form

1. a rooster lays an egg at the very top of a pointed roof. which way does the egg roll??

2. A plane crashes directly in the middle of the border between Canada and U.S.A. where where the survivors buried?

3. Two babys were born from the same mother, on the same day, of the same year, on the same minute, yet were not twins... how is this possible??



Answeres

1. roosters dont lay eggs, hens do
2. the survivors wouldnt need to be buried, the dead would
3. they were part of a triplet,not twins




i know they are old and easy, but better ones WILL come.

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Quebec, Canada is currently experiencing record breaking flooding

It's a good thing frogs can swim

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When Canada stopped using pennies, my dad lost his job.

Now he just doesn't make cents.

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How will Donald Trump create 25 millions jobs?

By having 25 million people move to Canada.

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International Boundaries

An Englishman, lecturing on his travels, was speaking disparagingly about the Scots and French in Canada, and how they intermarried with the Indians. "You'll find," he said "quite a number of Scot & French half-breeds, but you will not find any English half-breeds."

A Scot in the audience shouted, "The Indians have to draw the line somewhere!"

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When Canada abolished the penny there was no public protest at all...

...I guess Canada fears change

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Canada was like, "This is all part of the Northwest Territories,"

but the Inuit were having Nunavut.

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Not sure if this is the right place to post, but after the US election results from last night, I need help creating a new dating website. It will help desperate American men and women find love in Canada.

It'll be called ehHarmony

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A restaurant manager gets offered a promotion...

After calling him into his office, the owner of the store tells the manager that he would like to give him the opportunity of being an owner of his own at a location in Canada. "Canada?", the manager says, "The only people in Canada are idiots or hockey players!" The owner becomes very serious, and says "My wife is from Canada." The manager quickly responds, "Oh what team does she play for?"

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I'm a day late, but here's some Canadian jokes I came up with

1.) What do you call a Canadian military group?

- *The Eh Team*

2.) Welcome to Canada: Native land of the world's two sexiest Ryan's and the world's two most hated Justin's.

3.) Canadians are great at introducing themselves to strangers since they're so used to breaking the ice.

4.) Canada only has one team in the MLB because we don't like to hit, only one team in the NBA because we don't like to shoot, but we have seven teams in the NHL because we really give a puck.

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Canada could have had the best of three worlds.

They could have had American technology, French cuisine, and British culture.

Instead they have French technology, British cuisine, and American culture.

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How do you spell Canada?

C-Eh?-N-Eh?-D-Eh?

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What's the most common blood type in Canada?

Eh.

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In Canada if everyone was turned into walking letters

U would be their favourite.

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Researchers in Canada have reported finding a superconductor that they say works at room temperature.

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Here is a Canada day joke! How do you get 50 rowdy drunk Canadians out of a pool?

You ask them to please get out of the pool.

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What borders obesity?

Mexico and Canada

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I was thirsty one day and someone said, "Drink Canada Dry."

Man they got alot of water up there..

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Winter is a lot like Justin Bieber.

It was cute and exciting in the begining, but now its a bit annoying and it should probably just stay in Canada.

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How did Canada pick its name?

There were two Canadians and an American. They put letters in a hat and drew. They got "C-eh", "N-eh", "D-eh". The American didn't know what was going on, but he relayed the message.


I know i need to work on my execution.

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What's the most common disease in Canada?

Hepatitis Eh.

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How do you spell Canada with 3 letters?

C, eh? N, eh? D, eh?

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The story of how Canada got its name.

In the year 1534 there were 3 explorers who discovered a great piece of land. They had no idea what to name it. So they each decided to pick a letter and go from there. The first explorer said "C" eh, the second said "N" eh, and the last said "D" eh. That's how the great Canada was named

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What do you call a Mexican in Canada?

ACCOMPLISHED. They crossed two borders!

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I said Canada was made up of ten provinces and two territories

But the Inuits were having Nunavut.

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Two cows are standing in a field in Canada in the year 2003.

One cow turns to the other and says, "we gotta watch out. I hear mad cow disease has been spreading through the herd." The other cow looks towards him and says, "what are telling me for? I'm not a cow, I'm a duck!"

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Why was 6 afraid of 7 in hexadecimal Canada?

Because 7 8 9 A.

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The computer was claimed to answer anything correctly.

But the CEO didn't believe it, so he asked "Where's my father right now?". The computer beeped and whirred for a few seconds, and spat out "Your father is fishing in Canada". The CEO joyfully chortled "See, your computer isn't always right, my father died when I was 10 years old!" The computer spat out "Your mothers husband died 25 years ago. Your father just landed an 8 pound trout."

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Why are there no knock knock jokes about Canada?

Because everyone is welcome in.

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Heaven and Hell

"Heaven is where the police are British, the chefs Italian, the mechanics German, the lovers French and it is all organized by the Swiss. Hell is where the police are German, the chefs British, the mechanics French, the lovers Swiss and it is all organized by the Italians."

Bonus:
"Canada could have had it all. They could have had American technology, French cuisine, and British culture. Instead, they ended up with French technology, British cuisine, and American culture."

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How do you kill a Fox?

Cut his leg off and make him run across Canada.

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What do you call a Asian born in Canada

Ehsian

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How would the second amendment look if it was written in Canada?

"The right of the people to keep and arm bears shall not be infringed"

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Canada plans on removing the polar bear from the Tonnie.

And replace it with two gay deer, it's called two fucking bucks.

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What are the best Canada puns and pranks?

Did you ever wanted to prank someone about Canada? Well, here are the best jokes about Canada to have fun with.

Joko Jokes