Canada Day Jokes

48 canada day jokes and hilarious canada day puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about canada day that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

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Funniest Canada Day Short Jokes

Short canada day jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The canada day humour may include short australia day jokes also.

  1. One day, Canada will become a superpower and take over the whole world Then you'll all be sorry
  2. Only a few weeks left before Election Day in the US and I am still undecided... ...if I should move to Canada or New zealand.
  3. I was thirsty one day and someone said, "Drink Canada Dry." Man they got alot of water up there..
  4. Here is a Canada day joke! How do you get 50 rowdy drunk Canadians out of a pool? You ask them to please get out of the pool.
  5. In a historic day for Canada, Ontario held a Provincial Election on the same day the Senate passed the Cannabis Legalization Act. Turnout was high.
  6. WAy back in the day Canada was originally called CND So America calls CND and asks them to spell it so they know what to write on their maps. The guy from CND replies, "C eh, N eh, D eh."
  7. I went to Canada the other day, it was great to hear how conscientious they are about taking care of others, especially crazy people. Everyone keeps saying that they have to save every loonie

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Canada Day One Liners

Which canada day one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with canada day? I can suggest the ones about canada border and independence day.

  1. One day Canada will rule the world Then you'll all be sorry
  2. One day Canada will conquer the world. Everybody will be sorry.
  3. I love summer in Canada! It's my favorite day of the year!
  4. One day Canada will take over the world Then you'll all be sorry
  5. The only time kids are shot in school in Canada is.. Picture day
  6. My redhead friend named Albert drinks Canada Dry every day I call him Ginger Al
  7. One day Canada will conquer the galaxy... And they'll call it the *Milky Eh*.
  8. What can you say to and get from an LGBT couple in Canada these days? Hi gaze.
  9. One day, Canada will become a super power and take over the world
  10. What do you call a hot day in Canada? A Nova Scorcha!
  11. Comedy - Tommy Tiernan Christmas Mass Canada Have a good day with funny Tommy Tiernan
  12. What day is it in Canada today? w**...-nes-day

Experience Instant Grins & Giggles with Playful Canada Day Jokes

What funny jokes about canada day you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean canada prime jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make canada day pranks.

A Polish man married a Canadian girl after he had been in Canada a year or so, and although his English was far from perfect, the couple got on very well. One day, though, he rushed into a lawyer’s office and asked if he could arrange a divorce for him, "Very quick!" The lawyer explained that the speed of getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances, and asked these questions:
LAWYER: "Have you any grounds?"
POLE: "An acre and half, and a nice 3 bedroom house."
LAWYER: "No, I mean what is the foundation of the case?"
POLE: "It is made of concrete, bricks & mortar."
LAWYER: "Does either of you have a real grudge?"
POLE: "No, we have a carport and don’t need a grudge."
LAWYER: "I mean, what are your relations like?"
POLE: "All my relations live in Poland."
LAWYER: "Is there any infidelity in your marriage?"
POLE: "Yes, we have hi-fidelity stereo set & DVD player with 6.1 sound."
LAWYER: "No, I mean does your wife beat you up?"
POLE: "No, I’m always up before her."
LAWYER: "Why do you want this divorce?"
POLE: "She going to kill me!"
LAWYER: "What makes you think that?"
POLE: "I got proof."
LAWYER: "What kind of proof?"
POLE: "She going to poison me. She buy bottle at drug store and I read label. It say Polish Remover."

Soup for the Mind in riddle form

1. a rooster lays an egg at the very top of a pointed roof. which way does the egg roll??
2. A plane crashes directly in the middle of the border between Canada and U.S.A. where where the survivors buried?
3. Two babys were born from the same mother, on the same day, of the same year, on the same minute, yet were not twins... how is this possible??
1. roosters dont lay eggs, hens do
2. the survivors wouldnt need to be buried, the dead would
3. they were part of a triplet,not twins
i know they are old and easy, but better ones WILL come.

The difference if you marry a Canadian girl...

Three friends married women from different parts of the world...
The first man married a Greek girl. He told her that she was to do the dishes and house cleaning.
It took a couple of days, but on the third day, he came home to see a clean house and dishes washed and put away.

The second man married a Thai. He gave his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking.
The first day he didn't see any results, but the next day he saw it was better. By the third day, he saw his house was clean, the dishes were done, and there was a huge dinner on the table.

The third man married a girl from Canada. He ordered her to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, laundry washed, and hot meals on the table for every meal.
He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything either but by the third day, some of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye and his arm was healed enough that he could fix himself a sandwich and load the dishwasher.
He still has some difficulty when he pees.

Cold Cold Canada.

There was an elderly couple who lived in a small house, right s**... dab on the U.S. and Canadian border. For several years the two goverments had argued over which nation the house belonged to. One day the elderly couple recived a letter stating that they were now considered full American citizens and there property was deemed as American soil. After reading this the old woman looks to her husband as says "Thank goodness, No more of those cold Canadian winters.

A Canadian, Iraqi and an Israeli

**** A Canadian, Iraqi and an Israeli ****
Three guys, a Canadian, an Iraqi and an Israeli are out walking together one day. They come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it. "I will give you each one wish, that's three wishes total," says the Genie.
The Canadian says, "I am a farmer, my dad was a farmer, and my son will also farm. I want the land to be forever fertile in Canada."
With a blink of the Genie's eye, 'FOOM' the land in Canada was forever made fertile for farming.  
The Iraqi was amazed, so he said, "I want a wall around Iraq, so that no infidels, Chri$tians or Jews, can come into our precious state."   Again, with a blink of the Genie's eye, 'POOF' there was a huge wall around Iraq.
Izzy Goldberg, the Israeli asks, "I'm very curious. Please tell me more about this wall."  The Genie explains, "Well, it's about 150 feet high, 50 feet thick and completely surrounds the country; nothing can get in or out."  Izzy says, "Fill it up with water"

A little story told by our parish priest.

A man goes to the pub and orders three beers. Everyone expects he's waiting for someone, but he drinks all the beers himself. The next week he does the same, and the next, until he becomes a regular. Eventually the other regulars get curious and ask him what his story is.
"Well," he says "I have two brothers. One has gone to England and the other has gone to Canada, but before they left, we made a promise to have one drink for each of us every Friday so that we can celebrate together no matter where we are."
One day the man comes in and orders only two beers. A fellow patron comes up to him cap in hand, looking distressed, and says "We are all very sorry for your loss."
The man smiles and replies "Oh, no! My brothers are still alive and well. But I gave up drinking for Lent."

Undefined illness

Who said that health care in Canada was not up to par???

A Muslim immigrant in Toronto goes to the doctor and says "I feel terrible."

The doctor examines him and then says:

"You need to pee and put your bowel movements in a bucket for a week, then throw in a dead fish and some rotten cabbage.

Put a towel over your head and inhale the vapors for three days."

The Muslim does this and goes back to the doctor 3 days later and says "I feel wonderful! what was wrong with me?"

The doctor replied, "You were homesick."

A man walks up to Parliament Hall...

Man: I need to speak to Prime Minister Harper immediately!
Guard: I'm sorry sir, Steven Harper is no longer the Prime Minister of Canada.
##The man leaves. The next day, the man comes back again.
Man: Please, I need to speak to Prime Minister Harper!
Guard: Like I told you yesterday sir, Steven Harper is no longer the Prime Minister of Canada.
##The man once again leaves. On the third day, he's back again.
Man: I need to speak to Prime Minister Harper!
The guard says: Sir, why do you keep coming back? This is the third time I'm telling you, Steven Harper is no longer the Prime Minister of Canada.
The man replies: I know, I just can't get tired of hearing you say that

I'm a day late, but here's some Canadian jokes I came up with

1.) What do you call a Canadian military group?
- *The Eh Team*
2.) Welcome to Canada: Native land of the world's two sexiest Ryan's and the world's two most hated Justin's.
3.) Canadians are great at introducing themselves to strangers since they're so used to breaking the ice.
4.) Canada only has one team in the MLB because we don't like to hit, only one team in the NBA because we don't like to shoot, but we have seven teams in the NHL because we really give a puck.

Some Mexicans were hunting moose in Canada for the first time and their first day out they shot a giant beautiful one with huge antlers.

They each grabbed a side of the antlers and started dragging it back to their truck snagging and catching small trees and bushes and making little progress. A Canadian saw them doing this and told them it would be easier if they dragged the moose by it's feet.
They took his advice and the antlers stopped getting caught on everything when they dragged it.
After awhile one Mexican said to the other
"This works really great but we keep getting further and further away from the truck"

Did you hear the story of how Canada was named?

Many years ago, all the elders came together to name their wonderful country. The elders argued for many days, and could not come to an agreement on the name. One brilliant elder came up with a great idea, they would put all the letters of the alphabet into a hat, pull them out, one at a time, and that's what the name of their new country would be.
Of course, the elder who came up with the idea was chosen to pull the letters out of the hat.
C, eh.
N, eh.
D, eh

People are currently shooting fireworks off in my neighborhood. I'm usually all for shooting fireworks to celebrate the founding of the greatest nation on Earth, but come on...

Canada Day was yesterday!

An Arabic man goes to visit his friend in Canada.

First they go out to lunch and the Arabic man orders a Bebsi and a bizza . His friend corrected him and said it was Pepsi and pizza.
The next day, they went to camp in the woods. The Arab goes to pee and comes running back.
What happened?! exclaimed his friend.
I saw a pear!

Nation dialogue

You know, I was very Hungary one day, so I went to go Czech the fridge. I managed to find some Turkey that was leftover from Thanksgiving, but it was all covered in Greece. So I closed the fridge and Czech'd the pantry. I saw a Canada beans, so I grabbed them and microwaved them, but it exploded. My mom says that Iran out of diversity with food, and that I needed to expand on that. She also mentioned we need to get groceries. I said "Denmark my words, I shall go to the grocery store!".

A group of hikers were being led through the wilderness by a guide.

On the third day, the hikers noticed that they had been travelling in circles.
"We're lost!" One of the men complained. "I thought you said you were the best guide in the United States."
"I am," the guide answered, "but I think we may have wandered into Canada

A Scottish bloke goes on a skiing trip to Canada.

After a hard day on the s**..., he retires to a bar at the bottom of the mountain. After about five or six whiskeys, he looks up and notices a stuffed animal with antlers on the wall... He asks the bartender, "What the fock is that?"
The bartender replies, "It's a moose."
The Scottish chap shouts back, "Fock me! How big are the cats here?"

On day six of the Creation, God announced to his archangel underlings, "Today we're creating a place called Canada.

"Today we're creating a place called Canada. Pull out all the stops. Give it beautiful mountains, lakes, plains, forests, and sandy beaches. Underground, give it oil, gold, etc. Oh, and plenty of fish and wildlife."
"Sir," interjected an archangel, "aren't you being overly generous to these Canadians?"
"Don't worry, I'll balance it out," said God. "Wait 'till you see the neighbours I'm giving them."

jokes about canada day