Canad Jokes

What are some Canad jokes?

As a Canadian I never realized how slow my internet was until today.

I just now started seeing Thanksgiving posts!

Why do Canadians always do it doggy-style?

So they can both watch the hockey game.

As a Canadian..

Every time I hear a bad joke about being Canadian...


...I go right to the Hospital and get my feelings checked for free

Two Canadian body builders were working out at the gym.

After they were done, they sat together in the locker room.

One turned to the other and said, "I'm sore, eh?"

The other said, "What for?"

Why are Canadians so good at sports?

They always bring their eh game

50% of Canada

Is the letter A

How do you get 50 Canadians out of the swimming pool?

Say, " Everyone out of the pool please."

A Canadian walks into a cafe, and the barista asks, "Would you like a latte?"

And the Canadian responds to him "Nah, just a bit, eh."

In Canada, we don't call the homeless homeless...

We call them "three seasoners".


They don't make it through the fourth.

A Canadian psychologist is selling a video that teaches you how to test your dog's IQ.

Here's how it works: If you spend $12.99 for the video, your dog is smarter than you.

When Canada was first founded, its leaders were having trouble coming up with a name.

Unable to come up with any ideas, they decided the best course of action would be to draw random letters out of a hat.

One man pulled out a letter, cleared his throat, and read,

"C, eh."

The letter was written down. The man pulled out another letter and read,

"N, eh."

This, too, was recorded. The man drew one more letter and read,

"D, eh."

How did they name Canada?

They picked letters out of a hat: C eh, N eh, D eh.

Why are Canadians always over qualified for jobs in the US?

Because zero degrees in Canada is the same as 32 in the States.

You know how Canada got its name right?

It was 3 guys sitting around a table and the first guy goes, "what about a C, eh?" the second guy says "yea what about an N eh?" and the last guy says "what about a D eh?"


I don't know if this has been told here before but it's definitely my goto joke.

When Canada was first unified, they realized they needed a name for this new country, so they decided to draw letters oot of a basket to name it.

The first prime minister went up on stage and started pulling letters and announcing them to the crowd. "C, eh?"..."N, eh?"..."D, eh?"

If Canada launched a space shuttle, what would it be called?

Apollo G

Canada already has a wall that keeps out the Mexicans...

Its called the United States.

Canadian summer

I asked my Canadian buddy "Did you have a good summer?"

He said "No! I was working that day."

How much of Canada has a person from Iqaluit seen?

Nunavut.

A Canadian in New York

A Canadian is drinking in a New York bar when he gets a call on his cell phone. He hangs up, grinning from ear to ear and orders a round of drinks for everybody in the bar because, he announces, his wife has just produced a typical Canadian baby boy weighing 25 pounds.
Nobody can believe that any new baby can weigh in at 25 pounds, but the Canuck just shrugs, "That's about average up North, folks... like I said, my boy's a typical Canadian baby boy."
Congratulations showered him from all around, and many exclamations of "WOW" were heard.
Two weeks later the Canadian returns to the bar.
The bartender says, "Say, you're the father of that typical Canadian baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth, aren't you? Everybody's been making bets about how big he'd be in two weeks. We were gonna call you. So how much does he weigh now?"
The proud father answers, "Seventeen pounds."
The bartender is puzzled and concerned. "What happened? He already weighed 25 pounds the day he was born."
The Canadian father takes a slow swig from his Molson beer, wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans into the bartender and proudly says,
"Had him circumcised".

If Canadians say "Ay" and Mexicans say "Si"...

Why don't Americans say "B"?

A Canadian walks into a bar

A Canadian walks into a bar, steps back, apologizes to the bar, and walks away.

My Canadian friend did really well on an exam

He got an Eh

What did the Canadian Sniper say after making a record-breaking kill shot?

Sorry

A Canadian woman living near the border

A Canadian woman lives with her family in a forest near the border with the US. One autumn morning, her son comes home from town holding a letter. He approaches the woman and says:

"According to this letter, the United States wants to consider this area as part of Montana. The Canadian government agrees, but says that since we're the only family living here, they want our permission to sign this land over to the US."

The woman jumps out of her chair and exclaims, "Where do I sign? I don't think I can stand another Canadian winter!"

Why did the Canadian DJ turn down the gig at the local Y?

Because why emcee, eh?

Why do Canadians call alcohol anonymous triple A?

AA, Eh

How did Canada get its name?

They had a bag of letters, and one person announced as he picked each letter out " 'C', eh, 'N', eh, 'D', eh".

How Canada Was Named

So the dignitaries of the associated Provinces of what we now call "Canada" got together over a game of Scrabble to determine the name of the country. They decided they would pick the name based on the first three letters they grabbed. First one: "C, eh?" Second one, "n, eh?" Third one, "d, eh?"

Canadian and a American watching a movie

Canadian: Lets watch a movie.

American: Have you seen Titanic?

Canadian: What's that about?

American: Yes, it was. A big one that sank.

A Canadian, Iraqi and an Israeli

**** A Canadian, Iraqi and an Israeli ****

Three guys, a Canadian, an Iraqi and an Israeli are out walking together one day. They come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it. "I will give you each one wish, that's three wishes total," says the Genie.
The Canadian says, "I am a farmer, my dad was a farmer, and my son will also farm. I want the land to be forever fertile in Canada."
With a blink of the Genie's eye, 'FOOM' the land in Canada was forever made fertile for farming. Β 

The Iraqi was amazed, so he said, "I want a wall around Iraq, so that no infidels, Chri$tians or Jews, can come into our precious state." Β  Again, with a blink of the Genie's eye, 'POOF' there was a huge wall around Iraq.

Izzy Goldberg, the Israeli asks, "I'm very curious. Please tell me more about this wall." Β The Genie explains, "Well, it's about 150 feet high, 50 feet thick and completely surrounds the country; nothing can get in or out." Β Izzy says, "Fill it up with water"

Why do Canadians always beat Germans at hockey?

Canadians bring their 'eh' game; Germans bring their wurst.

Why is the Canadian version of GTA easier?

Hospitals don't take your money when you die.

Why is the Canadian school system broken

because they only give out ehs

A Canadian man, an American and a Chinese man are stranded on a desert island...

The Canadian tells the others that he will be in charge of food. American volunteers to be in charge of water and the Chinese man says he will be in charge of supplies. They split up to do their jobs and decide to meet up later. When the Canadian and the American return, there is no sign of the Chinese man. Days pass by, but they still can't find their friend. One day as they are walking along a path, the Chinese man jumps from the bushes and yells "SUPPLIES!"

Why do Canadian women use hockey pucks instead of tampons?

Because they last for 3 periods.

Canada got it all wrong!

So Canada got it all wrong. I mean, they had the opportunity to have American technology, British culture and French cuisine, but went with American culture, British cuisine and French technology!

Heard this about 20 years ago and it still makes me chuckle. Can't beat a good stereotype!

A Canadian sniper hit a target from 2 miles

When asked how he did it, he said it was a team effort. "I could have never done it without my spotter and 2 sweepers."

Why do Canadians always have such good hair?

Because of all the moose.

Why don't Canadians wear tank tops?

They don't have the right to bare arms

A Canadian, an American, and a Pakistani are wandering through the desert

They're wandering along hoping to find some water or a ride out of the vast desert. As they trot along, the Canadian kicks a metal lamp that was buried in the sand. They pick it up and rub it, then out pops a genie.

The genie says, "since there are three men present I will grant you all one wish."

The Canadian quickly replies, " Good sir, if it's not too much trouble, I wish for Canada to thrive forever and always. May our lands be fertile, our hockey teams excellent, and our people even better." The genie nods his head and it is done.

The Pakistani insists on going next. He says, "Oh powerful djinn, I ask that you would surround the entire Muslim world with a wall so high that no western influence, soliders or bombs could corrupt or change our way of life. I pray that the Muslim people would be free to do as they wished forever and ever." The genie nods his head and it is done.

The American says, "fill his wall with water."

How many Canadians does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Twelve. Four to form a Parliamentary study committee to decide how to solve the problem, one Francophone to complain that I didn't translate this joke into French, one Native Canadian to protest that the interests of Native Canadians have been overlooked, one woman from the National Action Committee On the Status Of Women to say that women have been underrepresented in the process, one to go over the border to the Niagara Falls Factory Outlet Mall and buy a new bulb and not pay duty on it on the way back, one to actually screw it in, one to collect taxes on the whole procedure so the government can afford it, one to buy a case of Molson for everybody to drink, and one to drop the puck.

How Canada got it's name, eh

Three men were hiking in the wilds north of America, in the country that is now known as Canada.

They gradually realize that they are exploring undiscovered territory.

Man 1 looks at his buddies, clearly excited.

I think we discovered a new land, eh! He says enthusiastically.
We're venturing where no men have ever gone before, eh, Man
2 agrees, also excited.
Let's name it, Man 3 decides.
We'll each pick a letter, so it'll be fair, eh!

The three of them agree to this method, and Man 1 begins.

C, eh, Man 1 starts.

N, eh, Man 2 continues.

D, eh, Man 3 finishes.

A Canadian version of Breaking Bad is in the works

It'll be one episode long. Walt is diagnosed with cancer and receives treatment.

Canadian castles...

They really aren't my fort-eh.

Canadian guy, American guy, ugly woman and gorgeous woman on a train.

A Canadian guy, American guy, a ugly woman and gorgeous woman are sitting in opposing seats on a train. After some initial introductions of where they're from and where they're going, they settle in to do their own thing and basically ignore each other.

Some time later, the train enters a tunel and all goes black, then suddenly they hear a big slap. As the train exits the tunnel there's the American with the side of his face all red wearing a look of shock.

In the mind of the ugly woman, "That American tried to grope the gorgeous girl and she slapped him!"

In the mind of the gorgeous woman, "That American tried to grope me, but got the ugly woman instead and she slapped him!"

In the mind of the American, "That Canadian tried to grope the gorgeous woman and she tried to slap him but got me instead!"

In the mind of the Canadian, "I hope we go through another tunnel so I can slap that American again"

When Canada takes over the world...

Everyone will be sorry.

(As I am for this joke)

What does Canadian Fonzie say?

Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeey, Eh?

How do you get 20 Canadians out of a pool?

"Okay folks, time to get out of the pool!"

What would you get if Canada had a kid with Mexico?

Juantario

Why wasn't the Canadian scared at the movie theater?

He knew Nunavut was real.

If you're Canadian before you enter the bathroom, and American when you leave, what are you inside?

European!

When Canada abolished the penny there was no public protest at all...

...I guess Canada fears change

Who's the most canadian actor?

T. Hanks

When Canada stopped using pennies, my dad lost his job.

Now he just doesn't make cents.

Canada was like, "This is all part of the Northwest Territories,"

but the Inuit were having Nunavut.

Canadians are always viewed as nice and polite but so help me, if they invade the US...

They'll be sorry.

The most Canadian joke i know

How did the newfie die of ice fishing?

He got hit by the zamboni!

How Do You Keep Canadian Bacon From Curling

You take away their little brooms

What did the Canadian think of his hardwood flooring?

It was Oak, Eh!

Canada could have had the best of three worlds.

They could have had American technology, French cuisine, and British culture.

Instead they have French technology, British cuisine, and American culture.

Why don't Canadians have many orgies?

Too many thank-you notes.

In Canada if everyone was turned into walking letters

U would be their favourite.

Here is a Canada day joke! How do you get 50 rowdy drunk Canadians out of a pool?

You ask them to please get out of the pool.

How can you tell when a Canadian is successful?

He dies in his LA home at 82.

What do Canadians put on their steaks?

Eh-1

(Sorry)

Canadians are easy to identify ...

... you can spot them 1.6 kilometres away.

How did Canada pick its name?

There were two Canadians and an American. They put letters in a hat and drew. They got "C-eh", "N-eh", "D-eh". The American didn't know what was going on, but he relayed the message.


I know i need to work on my execution.

How many Canadians does it take to change a light bulb?

None, they don't change light bulbs, they accept them the way they are.

Anyone ever try Canadian Bacon?

I hear it's the nicest bacon around.

I said Canada was made up of ten provinces and two territories

But the Inuits were having Nunavut.

Canadian Blonde Joke.

As a trucker stops for a red light, a blonde catches up. She jumps out of her car, runs up to his truck, and knocks on the door. The trucker lowers the window, and she says "Hi, my name is Heather and you are losing some of your load." The trucker ignores her and proceeds down the street.

When the truck stops for another red light, the girl catches up again. She jumps out of her car, runs up and knocks on the door. Again, the trucker lowers the window. As if they've never spoken, the blonde says brightly, "Hi my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!" Shaking his head, the trucker ignores her again and continues down the street.

At the third red light, the same thing happens again. All out of breath, the blonde gets out of her car, runs up, knocks on the truck door. The trucker lowers the window. Again she says "Hi, my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!"

When the light turns green the trucker revs up and races to the next light. When he stops this time, he hurriedly gets out of the truck, and runs back to the blonde. He knocks on her window, and as she lowers it, he says " Hi, my name is Kevin, it's winter in Canada and I'm driving the SALT TRUCK!"

A Canadian and a Saudi Arabian had a baby...

They named it Yasir Youbetcha

Why do Canadians do well in the Winter Olympics?

Because they always bring their eh Game.

Canada has a much better leader than the United States

It's Trudeau

2 Canadians are sitting outside watching the night sky.

When the first guy asks the other If you had to be one star in the night sky, which one would you be, eh?

The second guy thinks for a moment and says I'd probably be the brightest star in the sky.

To which the first guy quickly responds You can't be Sirius A!

Canadian Hitler

Ehdolf

Who do Canadians call when their car breaks down.

Triple Eh!

Canadian Defenition

Canadian (noun):

An unarmed american with health insurance

When Canada became independent, a committee was made to name the new country.

The three men included disagreed on all names brought up so far. Finally, they all decided to just say one letter that they could use to add together to make a name they all agreed on.

The first guy said "C, eh?"

The second guys went "N, eh?"

The last guy goes "D, eh?"

And that's how we got the name Canada.

Why are Canadians always happy?

Their beer is stronger.

I am a Canadian General planning the invasion of the USA

We can reschedule if it is inconvenient for you guys

What does a Canadian get by mixing black and white?

Greh.

A Canadian man went hitchhiking in Italy

He wandered aboot for three weeks.

Sorry, everybody.

I'm Canadian.

How do you get a canadian to apologize?

Step on his foot.

If I had a Canadian dollar for every gender there is...

I would have a toonie and a whole bunch of loonies

The Canadian president is an idiot

People often say I'm wrong but it's Trudeau

The Canadian restaurant by my house has been closed for renovations.

They're just doing some poutine maintenance.

What do the Canadian Illuminati call themselves?

The Illuminat-Eh!

How to make Canad jokes?

We have collected gags and puns about Canad to have fun with. Do you want to stand out in a crowd with a good sense of humour joking about Canad? If Yes here are a lot more hilarious lines and funny Canad pick up lines to share with friends.

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