can Jokes

funny pick up lines and hilarious can puns

If America is storming Area 51 then the Europeans can storm the Vatican

We'll take the aliens, you get the predators

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Call me a racist if you want, but south of the border is a sea of violence, corruption and stupidity I wouldn't touch with a ten foot pole.

I just thank my lucky stars I live in Canada.

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North Koreans believe they live in the best country in the world because they're brainwashed by the government and the media.

When every American knows that America is the best country in the world.

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I hope Elon Musk never gets involved in a scandal

Elongate would be really drawn out.

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Imagine if Americans switched from pounds to kilograms overnight...

There would be mass confusion.

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The female janitor at my building asked if I would chill and smoke some weed with her

I said no. I can't deal with high maintenance women

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By legalizing Cannabis and same-sex marriage we finally interpreted the bible correctly:

**"A man who lays with another man should be stoned."** [Leviticus 20:13 esv]






Edit1: a typo


Edit2: thanks for the gold humorous stranger!

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As an Aussie, Americans are always asking me where in Australia there *isn't* something trying to kill you...

School is my answer

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Three conspiracy theorists walk into a bar

You can't tell me that's just a coincidence .

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In Canada, you are more likely to die of a kick of a moose than a terrorist attack.

Those damn moose limbs.

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Why will the congress never impeach Trump?

Because the republicans always insist on carrying a baby to full term.

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Why do Americans rarely tell jokes about mass shootings?

Because it's always too soon.



^(i feel bad)

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Don't Read If You're A Trump Supporter

A Mexican kid meets Donald Trump and says to him, I want to be President one day.
Trump says, Are you stupid? Are you an idiot? Out of your mind? Are you retarded?

The kid replies, You know what, I've changed my mind. Those are too many requirements.

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TIL that you can get dishonorably discharged from the Navy for boarding the wrong vessel just once

Whoops, wrong sub

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Just spent $300 on a limousine and discovered that the fee doesn't include a driver

Can't believe I've spent all that money and I have nothing to chauffeur it...

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My girlfriend said, "You act like a detective too much. I want to split up."

"Good idea," I replied. "We can cover more ground that way."

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An angel appears in a puff of smoke to a man and says to him, "Because you have lived a good and virtuous life, I can offer you a gift: you can be the most handsome man in the world, or you can have infinite wisdom, or you can have limitless wealth." Reflecting, the man says, "I'll take the wisdom"

"Wisdom is yours," says the angel, disappearing in another puff.
The smoke is barely clear before the man thinks, "I should have taken the money."

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CAN THE ADMINS OF THIS GROUP DO A BETTER JOB OF MONITORING WHO IS ALLOWED IN HERE PLEASE?!

WE HAVE A NEW MEMBER, AN ELDERLY MAN. HE'S BEEN PRIVATELY MESSAGING MEMBERS, SENDING THEM NAKED PICTURES OF HIMSELF IN NASTY POSES ALONG WITH CLOSE UPS OF HIS JUNK. HE IS OFFERING UP AN IPHONE X IN EXCHANGE FOR SEXUAL FAVORS. I AM ESPECIALLY BOTHERED BECAUSE IT TURNED OUT TO BE AN IPHONE 8 AND OBVIOUSLY SOMETHING'S WRONG WITH IT. IT'S SUPER SLOW AND THE CAPS LOCK IS STUCK ON.

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I can't remember how to write 1, 1000, 51, 6 and 500 in Roman numerals

I M LIVID

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Thanos' finger snap would have a greater impact if they found a way to make it seem like half the audience disappeared.

Apparently only DC movies can do that.

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I was telling a girl I met in a bar last night about my uncanny ability to guess the day a woman was born on just by feeling her tits.

"Really?" she said. "Go on then... Try."

After about 30 seconds of fondling she began to lose patience.

"Come on," she demanded, "What day was I born on?"

"Yesterday?" I replied.

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Can we ban "Yo Momma" jokes from this sub? They're old, stupid, and have been done by literally everyone hundreds of times

Just like yo momma.

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I'm assuming that none of the Jenners ask Kylie to make breakfast.

Since she can't even beat an egg

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My girlfriend just emailed me

"thespacebuttonisbrokenonmylaptop.canyougivemeanalternative"

Does anyone know what "ternative" mean?

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TIL that a school of piranhas can strip all the flesh off of a child's body in less than a minute...


On the downside, I lost my job at the aquarium...

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Dude 1: Hey, bro?

Dude 2: Yeah bro?
Dude 1: Can you pass me that pamphlet?
Dude 2: Brochure

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Which one doesn't belong: eggs, your wife, or a blow job?

The blow job. You can beat your eggs and your wife but you can't beat a blow job.

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Astronaut 1: "I can't find any milk for my coffee"

Astronaut 2: "In space no-one can. Here, use cream"

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What's the difference between a computer and an American?

An American doesn't have trouble-shooting.

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I can't believe that you've been visiting prostitutes for sex, my wife screamed at me. I'm really disappointed.

You can hardly blame me, I answered. It's not like I was getting any from you.


Well, that's your own fault, she replied. You never told me you were willing to pay for it.

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A weasel walks into a bar. The Bartender says, "Wow, I've never served a weasel before. What can I get you?"

"Pop," goes the weasel.

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Today I donated my watch, phone, and $500 to a poor guy.

You can't imagine the happiness I felt as I saw him put his pistol back in his pocket.

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What did Sparticus do to the cannibal who ate his nagging wife?

Nothing, he's gladiator.

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How do you get 100 drunk and rowdy Canadians out of a pool?

You say "Please get out of the pool."

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Cashier: Scans Condoms

Do you need a bag sir?

Me: Jesus, she's not that ugly

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What are the most funny Can jokes of all time ?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking with someone about Can? Well, here are the best Can dad jokes to laugh out loud. Crazy funny puns and Can pick up lines to share with friends.

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