The Best 83 Calories Jokes

Following is our collection of funny Calories jokes. There are some calories nutritional jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud.

Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these calories calorie puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.

Top 10 of the Funniest Calories Jokes and Puns

How do you burn alot of calories?

Set a fat kid on fire

I just burned 12000 calories

I left the pizza in the oven

Why did the arsonist go to the gym?

To burn some calories.

Calories joke, Why did the arsonist go to the gym?

I burnt 1200 calories yesterday!

Forgot to take the pizza out of the oven...

Why are Mistborns always so thin?

Because they're always Burning calories!

I wonder how many calories women burn by...

... jumping to conclusions.

I needed to burn some calories...

so I set a fat kid on fire

Calories joke, I needed to burn some calories...

I'm not saying my wife's a bit plump

I'm not saying my wife's a bit plump, but the nearest she gets to counting calories is spotting I've nicked one of her chocolates.

Non-consensual sex

burns more calories than consensual sex.

How my girlfriend stay's thin.

Wanna know how my girlfriend stays thin?

She burns most of her calories jumping to conclusions.

I burned 1000 calories today...

Forgot I had a pizza in the oven.

You can explore calories ration reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean calories energy dad jokes. There are also calories puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.

I just burned 2000 calories.

I'll never again leave my brownies in the oven while I nap.

You can burn up to 150 calories through one vigorous session of masturbation...

Still got me kicked out of my weight watchers meeting though.

I track my calories religiously every day.

First they are on my plate and then I put them in my mouth

I just burned 1,500 calories!

I forgot the pizza in the oven.

Today I decided to burn some calories..

So I lit a fat kid on fire.

Calories joke, Today I decided to burn some calories..

Today I burnt 1,200 k calories

I overlooked my pizza in the oven

A girl goes to the doctor...

A girl asks her doctor "Are there many calories in sperm?". Doc replies "Look love, if you swallow, no one cares how fat you are!".

Sex burns 300 calories an hour.

After doing some extensive calculations, this year I burned roughly 5 calories.

The thing with people who are bad at counting calories.. that they have the figures to prove it

Coke is releasing "Coca-Cola Ginger" for a limited time (seriously)...

They are also releasing a "Coca-Cola Ginger Zero" version, which has 0 calories, 0 carbs, and 0 soul. ;p

I burnt a lot of calories today…

I set a fat kid on fire.

How do you burn calories?

Set your food on fire.

Sex can burn 200 calories an hour.

I better go on a diet.

How do you burn a lot of calories at once?

Douse a fat person with gasoline and light a match

When you have sex you burn 1000 calories.

No wonder you're so fat.

I'm opening up a snack shop in DC.

I'm opening up a snack shop in DC. We will serve things like:

Triple fudge brownie sunday with double whipped cream, only 100 calories!

Cheesy deep fried nachos, more vitamins and less fat than a salad!

I'll call my shop "Alternative Snacts".

question funny

Wouldn't exercise be more fun if calories screamed while you burned them?
Bill Murray

I just got kicked out of the pet shop.

All I did was ask the owner, "How many calories are there in this fish?"

Banging your head against a wall burns 150 calories an hour.

It also gets you removed from your local gym.

It's ok to eat a lot at family parties

You burn half of those calories anyway trying not to punch someone in the face

I just burned 3,000 calories.........

I left the cookies in the oven too long! 😎

Just burned 2,500 calories in an afternoon...

Over baked cookies

A glass of Nutella has about 9870 calories, but I don't care!

I never eat the glass, anyway.

I went down to the gym, and lost 1200 calories

Next time, I'll take the pizza out of the oven

I just burned 1000 calories

My pizza is gone.

Just burned 2,000 calories.

That's the last time I leave brownies in the oven while I nap.

I just burned 2,000 calories in a few hours.

That's the last time I take a nap while baking brownies.

Obesity is no laughing matter.

Because laughing burns calories.

I burned 2000 calories today.

Last time I take a nap with brownies in the oven.

I lost millions of calories with this one simple trick:

Seeing my Ex come towards me.

What do Bulimia and Coke Zero have in common?

Twice the taste, zero calories.

How does a tech savvy cannibal count his calories?

In kill-o-bites.

A man was arrested for stealing a salad

I guess you could call that theft under 500...


Managed to beat insomnia with my new diet. I'm falling asleep counting calories.

Did you know peanut butter has 124 calories per spoonful?

That's nuts

My favourite Russian joke.

3 soldiers are all sitting around bragging about their armies. A Russian, an Israeli and an American.

The Russian boasts, "In our army we get 500 calories of field ration per day."

The Israeli says, "We get 1000 calories a day for field ration."

The American says, "Well we get around 2000 calories a day for field ration."

The Russian blurts out, "That is bullshit, you can't possibly carry that much cabbage!"

Decided to burn πŸ”₯ a lot of calories today

Doctors say having sex with a Woman burns 150 Calories...

When I had sex with a Woman, I too lost 150 calories- along with my keys, phone, wallet, and my wife...

My wife told me to burn some calories...

So I found a fat kid and set him on fire.

What has lots of calories but doesn't make you fat?

Your wife

Calories burned during sex

If the man is ready( same vice-versa).... 1 - 4 calories

If the woman is not( same vice-versa).... 300 - 400 calories.

What fireman is doing in a gym?

Burns calories.

Bondage sex can burn 200 calories an hour.

Oh boy, can it burn.

The Russian and American generals are talking about their troops..(Old Joke)

The Russian general says, "we feed our troops 1,500 calories a day." The American general says "that's nothing. We feed our troops 5,000 calories a day, at least." "Impossible!" says the Russian general. "No man can eat an entire sack of potatoes in 24 hours."

Why does a burger give you less calories than a steak?

because it's in the ground state!

My doctor asked me if I exercise regularly, I told him Yeah, whenever I go to the buffet

It burns a lot of calories carrying 10 plates at once.

Banging your head against a wall for one hour burns 150 calories.

It also got me banned from the local gym.

I burned 3000 calories today.

I really should have taken those brownies out of the oven sooner.

Burning fat

Person 1:
I just burned 2000 calories in 20 minutes
Person 2: How?

Person 1: I forgot to take my brownies out of the oven.

I started a new diet 6 weeks ago and I managed to GAIN thirty pounds!

It's my fault, though. I thought counting calories meant your supposed to go for the high score.

Managed to lose 1000 calories in five seconds... dropping my cheeseburger :(

What an interesting discussion to start

Hey guys, I wanted to ask if you eat the middle of the donut. I've heard that it has a lot of calories so I don't eat it, I don't throw it out either it just dissapears.

What do you call a whole grain that's zero calories but is rarely used?

Weird flax but 0k

I burned 2,000 calories today...

I forgot to take the pizza out of the oven.

I just masturbated while wearing my new Apple Watch.

Apparently I burned as many calories as if I walked 8 steps.

Calories are just like the Viet Cong

Even if you burn them, they come back

Me and a co worker were cremating a fat person.

My coworker said I wonder how many calories we are burning .

What's the best way to burn 1,000 calories?

Leave the pizza in the oven.

What's a light year?

Same thing as a regular year, just with less calories.

I just burned 3,000 calories!!

My fault for leaving my brownies in the oven while I took a nap though.

You burn 26 calories a minute kissing.

That's probably why I'm overweight.

I just burned 2000 calories in 20 minutes.

Friend: How?

Me: I forgot to take my brownies out of the oven.

My wife burned 8,000 calories yesterday...

because she left the brownies in the oven too long!

During sex you burn as much calories as running for 5 miles.

Who the hell runs 5 miles in 30 seconds?

How many calories does going down on your girl provide?

It depends on which way she wipes.

A Russian, a Brit and an American are stuck on a mountain

While they wait for rescue to arrive, they get together for a meal. As everyone is taking out their kits and prepping, the Russian starts boasting "in the soviet army, they feed us 2000 calories of food a day". The Brit turns and scoffs at him, then he says " in the royal army, we are fed 4000 calories of food a day". The American waiting for his turns goes and says "in the us army we are fed 8000 calories a day". At that point, the Russian jumps up and yells at the American "NON SENSE. NO ONE CAN EAT THAT MUCH CABBAGE IN ONE DAY".


It's not impossible to burn 81500 calories in a day

--Steve (head of the crematory)

1400 calories a day?

Pfft, piece of cake.

They say that during sex you burn off as many calories as running eight miles.

Who the hell runs eight miles in 30 seconds?

Yesterday I've burned 1000 calories

I forgot the cake in the oven.

Just burnt 2,000 calories...

That'll be the last time I bake a pizza while I'm asleep!

I just burned 1200 calories...

I left the pizza in the oven too long.

Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the calories coles jokes and puns are jokes supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, are mean or racist, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become bullying and inappropriate.

We suggest to use only working calories carbohydrates piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.

Joko Jokes