JokoJokes

Calories Jokes

95 calories jokes and hilarious calories puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about calories that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

Discover the hidden meaning behind popular calories jokes. From burning calories while eating pizza, to eating healthy foods with a side of subtext, learn why we joke about rationing our intake.

Quick Jump To

Funniest Calories Short Jokes

Short calories jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The calories humour may include short caliber jokes also.

  1. Just burned 2,000 calories. That's the last time I leave brownies in the oven while I nap.
  2. A glass of nutella has about 9870 calories, but I don't care! I never eat the glass, anyway.
  3. I just burned 2000 calories in 20 minutes. Friend: How?
    Me: I forgot to take my brownies out of the oven.
  4. U.S. vending machines to begin displaying calorie information to encourage smarter snack choices. Machines' reflective glass surface not doing the trick.
  5. I have a new recipe that's gluten free, sugar free, no-fat, non-GMO, pesticide free, low-calorie, vegan, kosher and paleo-friendly. It's a real breath of fresh air.
  6. The thing with people who are bad at counting calories.. ..is that they have the figures to prove it
  7. My wife burned 8,000 calories yesterday... because she left the brownies in the oven too long!
  8. Calories It's not impossible to burn 81500 calories in a day
    --Steve (head of the crematory)
  9. I went down to the gym, and lost 1200 calories Next time, I'll take the pizza out of the oven
  10. I just got kicked out of the pet shop. All I did was ask the owner, "How many calories are there in this fish?"

Share These Calories Jokes With Friends




Calories One Liners

Which calories one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with calories? I can suggest the ones about weight and pounds.

  1. What's the difference between a baby and a baked potato? About 140 calories.
  2. I burnt 1200 calories yesterday! Forgot to take the pizza out of the oven...
  3. Eating food is a lot of work. It's the most calorie consuming thing I do all day.
  4. I wonder how many calories women burn by... ... jumping to conclusions.
  5. What's the best way to burn 1,000 calories? Leave the pizza in the oven.
  6. What do Bulimia and Coke Zero have in common? Twice the taste, zero calories.
  7. Why did the arsonist go to the gym? To burn some calories.
  8. What do you call a whole grain that's zero calories but is rarely used? Weird flax but 0k
  9. Managed to lose 1000 calories in five seconds... ...by dropping my cheeseburger :(
  10. You burn 26 calories a minute kissing. That's probably why I'm overweight.
  11. Obesity is no laughing matter. Because laughing burns calories.
  12. What's a light year? Same thing as a regular year, just with less calories.
  13. 1400 calories a day? Pfft, piece of cake.
  14. I just burned 1000 calories My pizza is gone.
  15. Did you know peanut butter has 124 calories per spoonful? That's nuts

Burns Calories Jokes

Here is a list of funny burns calories jokes and even better burns calories puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • Me and a co worker were cremating a fat person. My coworker said I wonder how many calories we are burning .
  • question funny Wouldn't exercise be more fun if calories screamed while you burned them?

    Bill Murray
  • It's ok to eat a lot at family parties You burn half of those calories anyway trying not to punch someone in the face
  • How my girlfriend stay's thin. Wanna know how my girlfriend stays thin?
    She burns most of her calories jumping to conclusions.
  • Why are Mistborns always so thin? Because they're always Burning calories!
  • My doctor asked me if I exercise regularly, I told him Yeah, whenever I go to the buffet It burns a lot of calories carrying 10 plates at once.
  • What fireman is doing in a gym? Burns calories.
  • Decided to burn 🔥 a lot of calories today
  • Just burned 2,500 calories in an afternoon... Over baked cookies
  • How do you burn calories? Set your food on fire.

Counting Calories Jokes

Here is a list of funny counting calories jokes and even better counting calories puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • I started a new diet 6 weeks ago and I managed to GAIN thirty pounds! It's my fault, though. I thought counting calories meant your supposed to go for the high score.
  • Managed to beat insomnia with my new diet. I'm falling asleep counting calories.
  • I'm not saying my wife's a bit plump I'm not saying my wife's a bit plump, but the nearest she gets to counting calories is spotting I've nicked one of her chocolates.
  • Count calories during Ramadan with MuslimFast.

Burning Calories Jokes

Here is a list of funny burning calories jokes and even better burning calories puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • When Chuck Norris burns calories, he uses a flamethrower.
  • My girlfriend must burn a lot of calories per day She's always jumping to conclusions
  • So, an obese man jumped into the fire, why? Because he had to burn some calories.
  • Why do you want to run for President? Because walking wouldn't burn enough calories.
Calories joke, Why do you want to run for President?

Howlingly Hilarious Calories Jokes for All Ages to Enjoy

What funny jokes about calories you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean nutrition jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make calories pranks.

One day a Blonde went the doctor with a burn on her stomach.
The doctor gasped and asked what happened. the Blonde told the doctor she put a lighter against her stomach.
The doctor asked her why in the world she would do that. the blond said "I was trying to burn calories."

⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language

What's a fat kids favourite instrument?

The dinner bell

What do you call a take-out low-calorie meal for a cowboy?
A Saddle Light Dish.

⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language

Non-consensual s**...

burns more calories than consensual s**....

⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language

You can burn up to 150 calories through one vigorous session of m**......

Still got me kicked out of my weight watchers meeting though.

I track my calories religiously every day.

First they are on my plate and then I put them in my mouth

The FDA still bases Percent Daily Values on a 2,000 calorie diet...

They really need to adjust for inflation.

⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language

A girl goes to the doctor...

A girl asks her doctor "Are there many calories in s**...?". Doc replies "Look love, if you s**..., no one cares how fat you are!".

⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language

s**... burns 300 calories an hour.

After doing some extensive calculations, this year I burned roughly 5 calories.

⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language

s**... can burn 200 calories an hour.

I better go on a diet.

⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language

When you have s**... you burn 1000 calories.

No wonder you're so fat.

I'm opening up a snack shop in DC.

I'm opening up a snack shop in DC. We will serve things like:
Triple fudge brownie sunday with double whipped cream, only 100 calories!
Cheesy deep fried nachos, more vitamins and less fat than a salad!
I'll call my shop "Alternative Snacts".

⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language

b**... your head against a wall burns 150 calories an hour.

It also gets you removed from your local gym.

I lost millions of calories with this one simple trick:

Seeing my Ex come towards me.

⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language

How does a tech savvy cannibal count his calories?

In kill-o-bites.

A man was arrested for stealing a salad

I guess you could call that theft under 500...
Calories

⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language

My favourite Russian joke.

3 soldiers are all sitting around bragging about their armies. A Russian, an Israeli and an American.
The Russian boasts, "In our army we get 500 calories of field ration per day."
The Israeli says, "We get 1000 calories a day for field ration."
The American says, "Well we get around 2000 calories a day for field ration."
The Russian blurts out, "That is b**..., you can't possibly carry that much cabbage!"

⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language

Doctors say having s**... with a Woman burns 150 Calories...

When I had s**... with a Woman, I too lost 150 calories- along with my keys, phone, wallet, and my wife...

What has lots of calories but doesn't make you fat?

Your wife

⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language

Calories burned during s**...

If the man is ready( same vice-versa).... 1 - 4 calories
If the woman is not( same vice-versa).... 300 - 400 calories.

⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language

b**... s**... can burn 200 calories an hour.

Oh boy, can it burn.

The Russian and American generals are talking about their troops..(Old Joke)

The Russian general says, "we feed our troops 1,500 calories a day." The American general says "that's nothing. We feed our troops 5,000 calories a day, at least." "Impossible!" says the Russian general. "No man can eat an entire sack of potatoes in 24 hours."

What an interesting discussion to start

Hey guys, I wanted to ask if you eat the middle of the donut. I've heard that it has a lot of calories so I don't eat it, I don't throw it out either it just dissapears.

⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language

I just m**... while wearing my new Apple Watch.

Apparently I burned as many calories as if I walked 8 steps.

⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language

Calories are just like the Viet Cong

Even if you burn them, they come back

⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language

How many calories does going down on your girl provide?

It depends on which way she wipes.

A Russian, a Brit and an American are stuck on a mountain

While they wait for rescue to arrive, they get together for a meal. As everyone is taking out their kits and prepping, the Russian starts boasting "in the soviet army, they feed us 2000 calories of food a day". The Brit turns and scoffs at him, then he says " in the royal army, we are fed 4000 calories of food a day". The American waiting for his turns goes and says "in the us army we are fed 8000 calories a day". At that point, the Russian jumps up and yells at the American "NON SENSE. NO ONE CAN EAT THAT MUCH CABBAGE IN ONE DAY".

⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language

They say that during s**... you burn off as many calories as running eight miles.

Who the h**... runs eight miles in 30 seconds?

A Black Guy, a Japanese guy, a Chinese Guy, an Arab, a Turk and a second Black guy walk into a bar

The Arab guy sits down at the bar and subsequently, he gets served first.
The bartender says, "what'll it be?"
The Arab guy says to him, "I think I'll get a Mich Ultra. Nothing too high calorie; I'm actually trying to lose a few pounds for the upcoming charity 5k next month."
The bartender looks at him and says, "well that's all well and good, but I don't see why you need to bring races into this."

Calories joke, A Black Guy, a Japanese guy, a Chinese Guy, an Arab, a Turk and a second Black guy walk into a bar

jokes about calories