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Calories Jokes

106 calories jokes and hilarious calories puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about calories that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

Discover the hidden meaning behind popular calories jokes. From burning calories while eating pizza, to eating healthy foods with a side of subtext, learn why we joke about rationing our intake.

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Popular Calories Short Jokes

Short calories jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The calories humour may include short diets jokes also.

  1. Just burned 2,000 calories. That's the last time I leave brownies in the oven while I nap.
  2. I just burned 2,000 calories in a few hours. That's the last time I take a nap while baking brownies.
  3. A glass of nutella has about 9870 calories, but I don't care! I never eat the glass, anyway.
  4. I just burned 3,000 calories!! My fault for leaving my brownies in the oven while I took a nap though.
  5. I just burned 2000 calories in 20 minutes. Friend: How?
    Me: I forgot to take my brownies out of the oven.
  6. U.S. vending machines to begin displaying calorie information to encourage smarter snack choices. Machines' reflective glass surface not doing the trick.
  7. I have a new recipe that's gluten free, sugar free, no-fat, non-GMO, pesticide free, low-calorie, vegan, kosher and paleo-friendly. It's a real breath of fresh air.
  8. The thing with people who are bad at counting calories.. ..is that they have the figures to prove it
  9. What do you call a whole grain that's zero calories but is rarely used? Weird flax but 0k
  10. How do you burn a lot of calories at once? Douse a fat person with gasoline and light a match

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Calories One Liners

Which calories one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with calories? I can suggest the ones about meals and fuels.

  1. What's the difference between a baby and a baked potato? About 140 calories.
  2. I burnt 1200 calories yesterday! Forgot to take the pizza out of the oven...
  3. I burned 2000 calories today. Last time I take a nap with brownies in the oven.
  4. I burned 1000 calories today... Forgot I had a pizza in the oven.
  5. I burnt a lot of calories today… I set a fat kid on fire.
  6. I burned 2,000 calories today... I forgot to take the pizza out of the oven.
  7. Eating food is a lot of work. It's the most calorie consuming thing I do all day.
  8. Today I decided to burn some calories.. So I lit a fat kid on fire.
  9. I wonder how many calories women burn by... ... jumping to conclusions.
  10. What's the best way to burn 1,000 calories? Leave the pizza in the oven.
  11. What do Bulimia and Coke Zero have in common? Twice the taste, zero calories.
  12. Why did the arsonist go to the gym? To burn some calories.
  13. Yesterday I've burned 1000 calories I forgot the cake in the oven.
  14. I just burned 12000 calories I left the pizza in the oven
  15. I just burned 3,000 calories......... I left the cookies in the oven too long! 😎

Burning Calories Jokes

Here is a list of funny burning calories jokes and even better burning calories puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • My wife told me to burn some calories... So I found a fat kid and set him on fire.
  • I just burned 1200 calories... I left the pizza in the oven too long.
  • My wife burned 8,000 calories yesterday... because she left the brownies in the oven too long!
  • You burn 26 calories a minute kissing. That's probably why I'm overweight.
  • Obesity is no laughing matter. Because laughing burns calories.
  • Calories It's not impossible to burn 81500 calories in a day
    --Steve (head of the crematory)
  • I just burned 1,500 calories! I forgot the pizza in the oven.
  • Me and a co worker were cremating a fat person. My coworker said I wonder how many calories we are burning .
  • I just burned 1000 calories My pizza is gone.
  • question funny Wouldn't exercise be more fun if calories screamed while you burned them?

    Bill Murray

Burns Calories Jokes

Here is a list of funny burns calories jokes and even better burns calories puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • I needed to burn some calories... so I set a fat kid on fire
  • How do you burn alot of calories? Set a fat kid on fire
  • Calories are just like the Viet Cong Even if you burn them, they come back
  • I just burned 2000 calories. I'll never again leave my brownies in the oven while I nap.
  • It's ok to eat a lot at family parties You burn half of those calories anyway trying not to punch someone in the face
  • How my girlfriend stay's thin. Wanna know how my girlfriend stays thin?
    She burns most of her calories jumping to conclusions.
  • Why are Mistborns always so thin? Because they're always Burning calories!
  • Burning fat Person 1:
    I just burned 2000 calories in 20 minutes
    Person 2: How?
    Person 1: I forgot to take my brownies out of the oven.
  • I burned 3000 calories today. I really should have taken those brownies out of the oven sooner.
  • My doctor asked me if I exercise regularly, I told him Yeah, whenever I go to the buffet It burns a lot of calories carrying 10 plates at once.
Calories joke, My doctor asked me if I exercise regularly, I told him  Yeah, whenever I go to the buffet

Counting Calories Jokes

Here is a list of funny counting calories jokes and even better counting calories puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • How does a tech savvy cannibal count his calories? In kill-o-bites.
  • I started a new diet 6 weeks ago and I managed to GAIN thirty pounds! It's my fault, though. I thought counting calories meant your supposed to go for the high score.
  • Managed to beat insomnia with my new diet. I'm falling asleep counting calories.
  • I'm not saying my wife's a bit plump I'm not saying my wife's a bit plump, but the nearest she gets to counting calories is spotting I've nicked one of her chocolates.
  • Count calories during Ramadan with MuslimFast.

150 Calories Jokes

Here is a list of funny 150 calories jokes and even better 150 calories puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • You can burn up to 150 calories through one vigorous session of m**...... Still got me kicked out of my weight watchers meeting though.
  • b**... your head against a wall burns 150 calories an hour. It also gets you removed from your local gym.
  • Doctors say having s**... with a Woman burns 150 Calories... When I had s**... with a Woman, I too lost 150 calories- along with my keys, phone, wallet, and my wife...
  • b**... your head against a wall for one hour burns 150 calories. It also got me banned from the local gym.
Calories joke, b**... your head against a wall for one hour burns 150 calories.

Make fun with this list of one liners, jokes and riddles. Each joke is crafted with thought and creativity, delivering punchlines that are unexpected and witty. The humor about calories can easily lighten the mood and bring smiles to people's faces. This compilation of calories puns is not just entertaining but also a testament to the art of joke-telling. The jokes in this list are designed to display different humor styles, ensuring that every reader at any age finds something entertaining. Constantly updated, they offer a source of fun that ensures one is always smiling !

Howlingly Hilarious Calories Jokes for All Ages to Enjoy

What funny jokes about calories you can tell and make people laugh? One example I can give are clean caliber jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help make calories prank.

One day a Blonde went the doctor with a burn on her stomach.
The doctor gasped and asked what happened. the Blonde told the doctor she put a lighter against her stomach.
The doctor asked her why in the world she would do that. the blond said "I was trying to burn calories."

I track my calories religiously every day.

First they are on my plate and then I put them in my mouth

A girl goes to the doctor...

A girl asks her doctor "Are there many calories in s**...?". Doc replies "Look love, if you s**..., no one cares how fat you are!".

s**... burns 300 calories an hour.

After doing some extensive calculations, this year I burned roughly 5 calories.

s**... can burn 200 calories an hour.

I better go on a diet.

When you have s**... you burn 1000 calories.

No wonder you're so fat.

I'm opening up a snack shop in DC.

I'm opening up a snack shop in DC. We will serve things like:
Triple fudge brownie sunday with double whipped cream, only 100 calories!
Cheesy deep fried nachos, more vitamins and less fat than a salad!
I'll call my shop "Alternative Snacts".

I just got kicked out of the pet shop.

All I did was ask the owner, "How many calories are there in this fish?"

I went down to the gym, and lost 1200 calories

Next time, I'll take the pizza out of the oven

My favourite Russian joke.

3 soldiers are all sitting around bragging about their armies. A Russian, an Israeli and an American.
The Russian boasts, "In our army we get 500 calories of field ration per day."
The Israeli says, "We get 1000 calories a day for field ration."
The American says, "Well we get around 2000 calories a day for field ration."
The Russian blurts out, "That is b**..., you can't possibly carry that much cabbage!"

The Russian and American generals are talking about their troops..(Old Joke)

The Russian general says, "we feed our troops 1,500 calories a day." The American general says "that's nothing. We feed our troops 5,000 calories a day, at least." "Impossible!" says the Russian general. "No man can eat an entire sack of potatoes in 24 hours."

Managed to lose 1000 calories in five seconds...

...by dropping my cheeseburger :(

What an interesting discussion to start

Hey guys, I wanted to ask if you eat the middle of the donut. I've heard that it has a lot of calories so I don't eat it, I don't throw it out either it just dissapears.

I just m**... while wearing my new Apple Watch.

Apparently I burned as many calories as if I walked 8 steps.

What's a light year?

Same thing as a regular year, just with less calories.

During s**... you burn as much calories as running for 5 miles.

Who the h**... runs 5 miles in 30 seconds?

How many calories does going down on your girl provide?

It depends on which way she wipes.

A Russian, a Brit and an American are stuck on a mountain

While they wait for rescue to arrive, they get together for a meal. As everyone is taking out their kits and prepping, the Russian starts boasting "in the soviet army, they feed us 2000 calories of food a day". The Brit turns and scoffs at him, then he says " in the royal army, we are fed 4000 calories of food a day". The American waiting for his turns goes and says "in the us army we are fed 8000 calories a day". At that point, the Russian jumps up and yells at the American "NON SENSE. NO ONE CAN EAT THAT MUCH CABBAGE IN ONE DAY".

1400 calories a day?

Pfft, piece of cake.

They say that during s**... you burn off as many calories as running eight miles.

Who the h**... runs eight miles in 30 seconds?

Just burnt 2,000 calories...

That'll be the last time I bake a pizza while I'm asleep!

A Black Guy, a Japanese guy, a Chinese Guy, an Arab, a Turk and a second Black guy walk into a bar

The Arab guy sits down at the bar and subsequently, he gets served first.
The bartender says, "what'll it be?"
The Arab guy says to him, "I think I'll get a Mich Ultra. Nothing too high calorie; I'm actually trying to lose a few pounds for the upcoming charity 5k next month."
The bartender looks at him and says, "well that's all well and good, but I don't see why you need to bring races into this."

Calories joke, A Black Guy, a Japanese guy, a Chinese Guy, an Arab, a Turk and a second Black guy walk into a bar

jokes about calories

Jokes are a form of humor that often involves clever wordplay, puns or unexpected twists in a story. These are usually short narratives or anecdotes crafted with the intent of amusing its audience by ending in an unexpected or humorous punchline. Jokes are a universal form of entertainment that people of all ages like adults, teens, kids and toddlers can enjoy. JokoJokes' FAQ section has answers to questions you may have!

The impact of these calories jokes can be both social and psychological. They can help to ease tensions, create bonds between people, and even improve overall mental health. The success of a joke often relies on the delivery, timing, and audience. Jokes can be used in various settings, from social gatherings to professional presentations, and are often employed to lighten the mood or enhance a story.