Calms Jokes
26 calms jokes and hilarious calms puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about calms that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest Calms Short Jokes
Short calms jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The calms humour may include short calmed jokes also.
- This girl said she would go out with me if I knew a six letter word that's a synonym for "calm". I said, "It's sedate."
- Surgeon: "Stay calm John, it's just a little cut with a scalpel, no need to be nervous." Patient: "Thanks Doc, but I'm not John"
surgeon: "I know, I am" - A man and a woman are lying in bed late night... ...and the woman asks her man: "Honey, do you prefer smart or pretty women?" and the man responds calmly: "Neither, baby, I prefer you."
- A guy barges into a psychiatrist's office, and screams... "Doctor! I have suicidal tendencies! What do I do?!"
The doctor calmly answers "Pay me in advance" - Two monkeys entered a bath. Monkey 1: Oooh oooh oooh aaah aaah aaah
Monkey 2: Calm down, it isn't that hot - I saw my girlfriend with another guy at the mall. I was about to confront them but I managed to calm myself down. That wouldn't be a good example to set in front of my wife and kids.
- If you ever get locked out of your house, talk to your lock calmly. Because communication is key.
- Even now, all this time later, we have to remain calm about the Net Neutrality thing... Paying additional money to access certain sites will give you a sense of pride and accomplishment.
- I think I'm shrinking! A man rushed into the doctor's office and shouted, "Doctor! I think I'm shrinking!"
The doctor calmly responded, "Now, settle down. You'll just have to be a little patient." - If you ever get locked out Sit down and talk to the lock calmly,
Because communication is key.
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Calms One Liners
Which calms one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with calms? I can suggest the ones about remain calm and quiet.
- Everyone should calm down about that Net Neutrality thing... You guys seem so Ajitated.
- Why are Astronauts always so calm? There's no pressure in space.
- Why are doctors always calm? They have a lot of patients.
Sorry. - My therapist asked me what I'd feel if I shot someone. "Recoil", I calmly answered.
- How do you calm down an astronaut? Give him some space
- Attention everyone: there is a national lettuce shortage everyone please romaine calm
- Telling a girl to calm down: works about as well as trying to baptize a cat.
- Why are skeletons always so calm? Nothing gets under their skin.
- There was a fire at an aromatherapy candle factory The situation is now calm.
- Apparently there's a lettuce shortage. Hopefully we can all romaine calm.
- If you ever get locked outside, talk to your lock calmly Because communication is the key
- If you ever get locked out of your house, talk to your lock calmly. Communication is key.
- What do you call a Jedi that won't calm down? Panakin Skywalker!
- Why are Skeleton's so calm? Because nothing gets under their skin.
- What did the cop say to the salad? Everyone romaine calm!
Hilarious Calms Jokes for a Fun-Filled Night with Friends
What funny jokes about calms you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean slows jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make calms pranks.
A man comes home to his wife with two black eyes
The wife freaks out but calms down enough to ask what happened. The man says well i was in the mall today on the escalator and there was this cute girl in front of me and she had her skirt tucked into her but. I pulled it out for her and she turned around and punched me in the eye. The wife says yeah i approve of that but how did you get the second one? The man says well i figured she liked it that way and pushed it back in.
A wife goes on a retreat for work for a few days. When she returns and enters the house, she puts her things away and then goes to do some much needed laundry.
Upon her entry to the room, however, she finds a pair of p**... on the floor that do not belong to her!
Furious, she questions her husband.
The husband says, "I have no idea where they came from I don't do the laundry, the maid does!"
The wife calms down and says, "Oh! So maybe these belong to the maid, could be she was doing her laundry here."
"Nah," said the husband musingly, "she doesn't even wear p**....
A woman comes home to her husband, upset and bawling her eyes out...
Her husband, who's having a chat with one of his mates over a coffee, takes his shirt and vest off, gives the woman a box with some colouring stuff in, and she calms down and begins to draw Noddy in wax on her husband's right scapula.
The husband's mate looks bemused and asks the guy what she's up to.
"Don't worry, " he replies. "She just needed a shoulder to crayon."
A man went to the doctor's, concerned about his liver...
The doctor asked: "When do you typically drink?"
The man replied: "i drink when flying. Calms the nerves."
The doctor sat back. "I see. Would you describe yourself as an alcoholic? Perhaps alcohol isn't the issue after all."
The man thought for a moment, and shrugged. "No, but I *am* a frequent flyer."
Dropped my girlfriend off at the airport on Sunday
I'll pick her up when she calms down
A woman calls 9-1-1...
A woman calls 9-1-1 and starts crying hysterically. After the operator calms her down, he asks what's wrong. The woman responds that her husband and his friends are in her basement, giggling at something on the television.
Confused, the operator informs her that what they're doing, while it may be annoying, isn't a crime.
The woman, angry, responds, "What the heck is manslaughter, then?!"
A man catches a cab in a new city
A man lands in a new city and catches a cab to the hotel. As they approach a red light, the cab driver keeps going, not stopping.
Man asks what's going on?
Cab driver responds oh don't worry, my brother always runs through red lights.
They keep going, and the cab driver doesn't even slow down for a stop sign. Man yells what's the deal?, clearly furious.
Cab driver calms him down, reminds him my brother never stops at stop signs. Relax.
Up ahead the next light turns green. Cab driver slams on the brakes, bringing the car to a screeching halt. Man is furious and confused.
Before he can say anything, cab driver says have to be careful- my brother might be driving today!
Engineers solving a problem
A guy goes on a trip with 3 Friends; an electrical engineer, a physics engineer and an IT specialist. Few hours into the trip the car breaks down. The electrical engineer says: "Well i know this issue, there must be some problems with the electronics of this car". The physics engineer says "Of course not! There was a problem with the pressure, i could hear that miles away". The IT specialist calms them down and says "come on guys, lets just all get out of the car, get in again and see if that solves the problem."
One saturday morning,three boys came down to the kitchen and sits around the breakfast table. Their mother asks the oldest boy what he'd like to eat.
I'II have some f**...' French toast, he says. The mother is outraged at hid crude language. She hits him and sends him to his room.
When she calms down, she asks the middle child what he wants. well, I guess that leaves more f**...' french toast for me, he says. The mom is livid. She smacks hum and sends him away.
Finally, she looks at the youngest son and asks him ehat he wants for breakfast.
I don't know, he says meekly, but I definitely don't want the f**...' french toast!
Little Johnny is complaining to his mother early in the morning
'Mum, I have a stomach ache...'
'Don't worry, honey,' says the mother. 'It's only aching because you have an empty stomach.'
Little Johnny acknowledges this and calms down. In the evening, Little Johnny's parents welcome an esteemed guest: the Under Secretary of Interior. During the course of the evening, the Under Secretary says:
'Dear Madam, could I get some painkiller please? I have a horrible headache...'
Little Johnny looks up from his drawing in the corner and says:
'Don't worry, sir! It's only aching because you have an empty head!'
A man goes to the doctor, worried about his wife's temper.
The doctor asks, What's the problem?
The man says, Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every day my wife seems to lose her temper for no reason. It scares me.
The doctor says, I have a cure for that. When it seems that your wife is getting angry, just take a glass of water and start swishing it in your mouth. Just swish and swish but don't s**... it until she either leaves the room or calms down.
Two weeks later, the man comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.
The man says, Doctor, that was a brilliant idea! Every time my wife started losing it, I swished with water. I swished and swished, and she calmed right down! How does a glass of water do that?
The doctor says, The water itself does nothing. It's keeping your mouth shut that does the trick.
