calms Jokes

funny pick up lines and hilarious calms puns

A man sitting in first class...

A man sitting in first class sneezes, ejaculates in his pants, pulls out his penis, cleans it off and puts it back in his pants. The woman sitting next to him is horrified but pretends not to notice.

A few minutes later, the man goes through the whole process again. The aghast woman starts yelling at the man. The stewardess calms the woman down while the man goes through the whole process again.

Finally the man speaks: "I have a rare medical affliction that causes me to orgasm every time I sneeze."

"Oh my god, I'm so sorry," the woman says. "Are you taking anything for it"?

The man replies "Yes... pepper."

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A man comes home to his wife with two black eyes

The wife freaks out but calms down enough to ask what happened. The man says well i was in the mall today on the escalator and there was this cute girl in front of me and she had her skirt tucked into her but. I pulled it out for her and she turned around and punched me in the eye. The wife says yeah i approve of that but how did you get the second one? The man says well i figured she liked it that way and pushed it back in.

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Husband's Temper

A woman goes to the Doctor, worried about her husband's temper.

The Doctor asks: "What's the problem?

The woman says: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every day my husband seems to lose his temper for no reason. It scares me."

The Doctor says: "I have a cure for that. When it seems that your husband is getting angry, just take a glass of water and start swishing it in your mouth. Just swish and swish but don't swallow it until he either leaves the room or calms down."

Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.

The woman says: "Doctor that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband started losing it, I swished with water. I swished and swished, and he calmed right down! How does a glass of water do that?"


The Doctor says: "The water itself does nothing. It's keeping your mouth shut that does the trick..."

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Camping with your friend

Two friends are camping and they're sitting around the fire when one gets up to take a leak. He starts screaming "A snake bit my dick! A snake bit my dick!" His friend calms him down and ensures that he'll call a doctor. Once he calls the doctor, he starts to relay the doctors instructions to his friend: "Okay first, he says pull your pants down" so he does. "Next, cut two slits with your knife where the snake bit him" so he tells his friend and he does so. Next, the doctor says "Okay you're going to suck the venom out of the cuts." He turns and his friend asks what the doctor said to do next. He looks at his friend and says "Doc says you're gonna die".

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A man goes to the doctor, worried about his wife's temper.

The doctor asks, What's the problem?

The man says, Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every day my wife seems to lose her temper for no reason. It scares me.

The doctor says, I have a cure for that. When it seems that your wife is getting angry, just take a glass of water and start swishing it in your mouth. Just swish and swish but don't swallow it until she either leaves the room or calms down.

Two weeks later, the man comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.

The man says, Doctor, that was a brilliant idea! Every time my wife started losing it, I swished with water. I swished and swished, and she calmed right down! How does a glass of water do that?

The doctor says, The water itself does nothing. It's keeping your mouth shut that does the trick.

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Little Johnny is complaining to his mother early in the morning

'Mum, I have a stomach ache...'

'Don't worry, honey,' says the mother. 'It's only aching because you have an empty stomach.'

Little Johnny acknowledges this and calms down. In the evening, Little Johnny's parents welcome an esteemed guest: the Under Secretary of Interior. During the course of the evening, the Under Secretary says:

'Dear Madam, could I get some painkiller please? I have a horrible headache...'

Little Johnny looks up from his drawing in the corner and says:

'Don't worry, sir! It's only aching because you have an empty head!'

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One saturday morning,three boys came down to the kitchen and sits around the breakfast table. Their mother asks the oldest boy what he'd like to eat.

I'II have some fuckin' French toast, he says. The mother is outraged at hid crude language. She hits him and sends him to his room.

When she calms down, she asks the middle child what he wants. well, I guess that leaves more fuckin' french toast for me, he says. The mom is livid. She smacks hum and sends him away.

Finally, she looks at the youngest son and asks him ehat he wants for breakfast.
I don't know, he says meekly, but I definitely don't want the fuckin' french toast!

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family dinner

A family of five is having dinner.

After dinner the eldest son stands up and says: "Mom, dad I have something to tell you." His parents look at him and await what he has to say. " I've known for a while now, but I've decided to tell you guys. I'm gay."

The Father is pissed and about to shout at him, but the mother calms him down. "Its good that you decide to be open about, son. Your father and I apreciate your honesty and will support you, right dear?"

The father is cornered and reluctantly agrees. The other son of the family now stands up and says: " What a coincidence, I'm gay too."

At this point the father snaps and shouts: " Are none of you attracted to hot babes?" The daughter then stands up and says: " Yes dad, I am."

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A dad and his little son are on a train...

The son is looking out the window.The dad warns him that the wind will take his hat but the son doesn't care,so he takes his son's hat and hides it behind secretly.After a while the son turns back and asks,

-Where is my hat dad?

-The wind took it.

Answers the dad and the son begins to cry.The dad calms him down and says,

-Look,I know how to get your hat back.I will whistle and your hat will come back.

The dad whistles and takes the hat behind him and gives it to the son.

The son looks happy and surprised.He runs to his dad's wallet and throws it out the window and says,

-Do it again!

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A duck walks into a hardware store...

and asks the man behind the counter "Got any bolts?" The man says "Nope. We're all out of bolts." The duck leaves.

The next day the duck comes back and asks the man behind the counter "Got any bolts?" The man says "Nope. We're all out of bolts." The duck leaves.

This goes on for a week until the man behind the counter finally snaps. "If you ask me one more time if I have any bolts, I'll nail your damn feet to the floor!"

The duck is quiet for a moment. Then he asks "Got any hammers?" The man is releived and finally calms down. "See? Was that so hard? Actually, it looks like I'm all out of hammers right now." The duck looks at him and asks, "Got any bolts?"

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A man went to the doctor's, concerned about his liver...

The doctor asked: "When do you typically drink?"




The man replied: "i drink when flying. Calms the nerves."




The doctor sat back. "I see. Would you describe yourself as an alcoholic? Perhaps alcohol isn't the issue after all."




The man thought for a moment, and shrugged. "No, but I *am* a frequent flyer."

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Three men called Shit, Fuck-you and Manners are walking down the street...

Shit sees a pound in the middle of the road and runs out to grab it, as he does so, he gets hit by a car, the car doesn't stop.

Fuck-you and Manners start panicking, but eventually Manners calms down enough to tell Fuck-you to run and find some help, so Fuck-you runs off to find help while Manners stays with shit and tries to pick him up to get him out of the road.

Eventually Fuck-you finds a police offer, and runs up to him gushing "help, help, my friends been run over".

"okay calm down" says the police officer, "whats your name?"

"Fuck-you" is the reply.

"whats that?" says the police officer,

"Fuck-you"

"I'm going to ask you one more time, what is your name?"

"FUCK-YOU" shouts fuck-you

"where are your manners!" says the police officer

fuck-you replies "down the road, picking up shit".

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Temper cure...

A woman goes to the Doctor, worried about her husband 's temper.
The Doctor asks: "What's the problem?
The woman says: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every day my husband seems to lose his temper for no reason. It scares me."
The Doctor says: "I have a cure for that. When it seems that your husband is getting angry, just take a glass of water and start swishing it in your mouth. Just swish and swish but don't swallow it until he either leaves the room or calms down.
Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.
The woman says: "Doctor that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband started losing it, I swished with water. I swished and swished, and he
calmed right down! How does a glass of water do that?"
The Doctor says: "The water itself does nothing. It's keeping your mouth shut that does the trick".

👍🏼

Dropped my girlfriend off at the airport on Sunday

I'll pick her up when she calms down

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What are the most funny Calms jokes of all time ?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking with someone about Calms? Well, here are the best Calms dad jokes to laugh out loud. Crazy funny puns and Calms pick up lines to share with friends.

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