Delightful Fun Calmly Jokes for a Roaring Good Time
Joke about how dangerous China is
An American tourist came to China and fell into a construction ditch, he came out, injured, and angrily told the tour guide, "In America, in a dangerous area, we always put up red flags to warn people! Why wasn't there one here?"
The Chinese tour guide very calmly replied, "Didn't you already see it when you entered the country?"
An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman walk into a bar...
...they each order a pint. The Englishman gets his beer, looks at it and sees a fly in it. He immediately pushes the drink aside and demands a fresh pint. The Scotsman gets his drink and there's a fly in his. He calmly picks the fly out, flicks it aside and enjoys his drink. Finally, the Irishman gets his drink and there's a fly in his. He pulls it out, holds it by the wings and screams, "Spit it out! Spit it out, you thief!"
A plane is about to c**......
A plane is going down and about to c**... when a woman suddenly leaps from her seat and screams,"If I'm going to die, I want to feel like a woman before I do!" She rips all her clothes off and screams,"Who here is man enough to make me feel like a true woman?"
A man stands up and calmly says OK. He unbuttons his shirt, takes it off, hands it to her and says,"Here. Iron this."
Mowing the grass.
One Saturday afternoon, I was sitting on my porch, drinking a beer and watching my wife mow the lawn. The lady from across the street was so outraged that she came over and shouted at me, "You should be hung."
I calmly replied, "I am. That's why she cuts the grass."
A woman walks into a tattoo parlor.
Asking the man in charge to put a picture of a turkey saying "Happy Thanksgiving!" on one thigh and a picture of Santa saying "Merry Christmas!" on the other. The man looked confused by her odd request, so he asked her why. She calmly looked at him and replied without even a stutter. "My husband always complains that there's nothing good to eat between Christmas and Thanksgiving."
A girl realized that she had grown hair between her legs. She got worried and asked her mom about that hair.
A girl realized that she had grown hair between her legs. She got worried and asked her mom about that hair.
Her mom calmly said- "that part where hair has grown is called Monkey, be proud that your monkey has grown hair" the girl smiled. At dinner, she told her sister-"my monkey has grown hair"
Her sister smiled and said-"that's nothing, mine is already eating bananas" .
Mutual Agreement
In the middle of an argument a man said to his wife, "I don't know how you can be so s**... and so beautiful all at the same time!"
The wife responded calmly, "Allow me to explain...the good Lord made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me; and he made me s**... so I would be attracted to you!"
My experiences working at an electronics store...
On a normal day at the shop a man walks up to me and taps me on the shoulder. I turn around with a big smile and ask "how can I help you". He says "well, I plan to shoot everyone in this store, my family and my dog" I then asked him very calmly "Sir...were you considering Nikon or Canon?"
Kid runs away from home
A man scolded his son for being so unruly and the child rebelled against his father. He got some of his clothes, his teddy bear and his piggy bank and proudly announced, 'I'm running away from home!'.
The father calmly decided to look at the matter logically. 'What if you get hungry?', he said.
'Then I'll come home and eat!', bravely declared the child. ' And what if you run out of money?'.
'I will come home and get some!', readily replied the child.
The man then made a final attempt, 'What if your clothes get dirty?'.
'Then I'll come home and let mommy wash them.', was the reply.
The man shook his head and exclaimed, 'This kid is not running away from home, he's going off to college!!'.
A Man With Sticks in the Middle of Town.
A man is hitting two sticks together in the middle of a small town in suburban America.
Another man walks up and asks, "why are you hitting those sticks together?"
The first man replies, "I'm keeping the elephants away."
Confused, the other man says, "but there are no elephants around here!"
The man with the sticks calmly replies, "You're welcome."
A man and a woman are lying in bed late night...
...and the woman asks her man: "Honey, do you prefer smart or pretty women?" and the man responds calmly: "Neither, baby, I prefer you."
You can explore calmly immediately reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean calmly back dad jokes. There are also calmly puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.
I wrote this little ditty just seconds after waking up.
An auto worker storms into his union leader's office. "I have a really pesky booger in my nostril, and management won't get us anymore tissue boxes!!" he shouts.
The union manager calmly responds: "Maybe you should picket."
A bear goes into a bar
he sits down and immediately mauls to death and devours the woman on the stool next to him.
he then calmly orders a beer
bartender: "sorry, we don't serve drug users in here"
bear: "but I don't do drugs"
bartender: "what about that barbitchyouate"
Two preists are out for a drive when suddenly...
...they are pulled over by a police officer.
The officer says, "We are looking for two child molesters in the area."
The two priests calmly and quietly discuss something for a few moments.
Finally, one of the priests turns to the officer and says, "Okay, we'll do it."
A kid asks his mother about his cousins...
"Mommy, why is my cousin named Rose?"
The mother replied, "Because your aunt loves roses."
The boy replies, "What about my other cousin, Daisy?"
"Your aunt also loved daisies." The mother added calmly.
"So why is my name-"
The mother interjects, "Be quiet and eat your dinner, Dickie!"
A maid asks for a raise
A maid asks for a raise from the queen.
"Give me three good reasons to give you a raise." the queen demands.
"Well, I cook better than you." Astounded by the answer, the queen asks, "Who told you that?"
The maid replies with, "Your husband told me that.".
The queen is unhappy, but shrugs it off and asks for another reason.
"I'm a better cleaner than you are." The queen is unhappy again and asks who told the maid this. "Your husband told me that." The queen is now unhappy and asks for a final reason to give a raise.
The maid says, "I'm better in bed than you." The queen's jaw drops open and asks "DON'T TELL ME MY HUSBAND TOLD YOU THAT DID HE?".
The maid replies calmly with, "No, the driver did."
The queen curses quietly, "Shhh. Keep it down, its 25% okay?"
A couple after a divorce are at court over who could keep the child.
So the mother goes:" i carried that child for 9 long months and gave birth to it under a lot of pain. I should keep it.
The judge asks the father if he has anything to add.
The father calmly replies:" let me explain this situation with a metaphor; if you walk up to a coca-cola machine, put in a dollar and a coke comes out, does the coke belong to you or the machine?"
My therapist asked me what I'd feel if I shot someone.
"Recoil", I calmly answered.
Two hunters are out in the woods when suddenly one of them collapses. The other hunter pulls out his phone and calls 911
"My friend is dead, what am I going to do?" the hunter desperately asks.
"Just take is easy, I will help you. First; you need to make sure that he really is dead." the operator replies calmly.
#BANG
"Ok, now what?"
Devil in the Church
One Sunday morning, Satan appeared before a small town congregation. Everyone started screaming and running for the front church door, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away.
Soon, everyone was gone, except for an elderly gentleman who sat calmly. Satan walked up to the man and said, "Don't you know who I am?"
The man replied, "Yep, sure do."
Satan asked, "Aren't you going to run?"
"Nope, sure ain't," said the man.
Perturbed, Satan asked, "Why aren't you afraid of me?"
The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for over 48 years."
A guy barges into a psychiatrist's office, and screams...
"Doctor! I have suicidal tendencies! What do I do?!"
The doctor calmly answers "Pay me in advance"
A little girl asks her mother why her name is Feather
"You see, daughter - when you were born, a feather blew in through the window and landed on your head." she replies.
"Then why is my name Leaf?" Asked her little brother. "You see," replied his mother - "when you were born, a leaf blew in through the window and landed on your head."
In comes the youngest brother, and yells:
"BLARRRG BLARR BLARR!"
His mother calmly replies,
"Please be quiet, Refrigerator."
A criminal burgles into a dormitory...
He yells at one of the students:
"I'm looking for money!"
The student calmly replies:
"What a coincidence, I am too!"
A man walks into a bar with a gun
A man walks into a bar with a gun and yells "WHO SLEPT WITH MY WIFE! I'M GONNA KILL 'EM!"
A man calmly stands up and says, "You ain't got enough bullets, mate."
You must be single.
A young woman was shopping at her local supermarket. She puts her items on the conveyer: A toothbrush, toothpaste, a half-gallon of 2% milk and a frozen pizza. The cashier calmly states, "You must be single." The woman looks at her items and back to the cashier, "Wow! How did you know that?" The cashier responds, "Because you you're ugly AF."
A mathematician wanders back home at 3A.M..
A mathematician wanders back home at 3 a.m. and proceeds to get an earful from his wife.
You're late! she yells. You said you'd be home by 11:45!
Actually, the mathematician replies calmly, I said I'd be home by a 'quarter of 12'.
The police officer holds up a photo and asks a man; "is this your wife?"
The man looks at the photo and answers; "Yes that is her."
The police officer looks the man in the eyes and calmly exclaims; "I am afraid it looks as though your wife has been hit by a train."
The man replies; "Yes, officer, but she is kind and makes great food for me."
An Irishman and a Muslim are sat next to each other on a flight...
An Irishman and a Muslim are sat next to each other on a flight.
The stewardess comes up and asks the Irish man if he'd like a drink. He orders a whiskey and the stewardess hands it to him.
The stewardess then asks the Muslim if he'd like a drink. "I'd rather be r**... by a dozen w**...!" he shouts back.
The Irishman calmly hands his whiskey back to the stewardess and says "I'll have what he's having".
A divorced couple standing in court over a child custody, the mother makes her claim and says: "I had him in my w**... for 9 months, so he is mine"
The judge turns to the father and asks: "and what is your claim?"
The man, smiling, says calmly: "Your honour, when I put a coin in the vending machine, the coke that comes out is mine or the machine's?"
A mathematician wanders back home at 3 a.m...
..and proceeds to get an earful from his wife.
You're late! she yells. You said you'd be home by 11:45!
Actually, the mathematician replies calmly, I said I'd be home by a quarter of 12.
A man walks into Target
He gets a cart and visits each aisle picking out various items that he's never bought before. He takes his overloaded buggie up to the checkout and calmly watches each item beginning scanned. When it's over and the cashier asks for payment, he says, "Oh I don't have any money. This was just Target practice."
An 11 year old girl realized that she had started to grow hair between her legs.
She got worried and asked her Mom about the hair. Her Mom calmly said " That part where hair has grown is called a Monkey, be proud that your Monkey has grown hair. " Next morning at breakfast she told her sister. " my moneky has grown hair. " her sister smiled and said " That's Nothing, mine is already eating Banana
Lenin, on his death bed, said to Stalin: How will you rule if so many do not wish to follow you?
Stalin calmly smiled at him: Don't worry, those who won't follow me, I'll make them follow you
A girl realizes that she has grown hair between her legs
She gets worried and asks her mom about that hair. Her mom calmly says, "That part where the hair has grown is called your monkey. Be proud that your monkey has grown hair." The girl smiled. At dinner, she tells her sister, "My monkey has grown hair." Her sister smiles and says, "That's nothing; mine is already eating bananas."
I think I'm shrinking!
A man rushed into the doctor's office and shouted, "Doctor! I think I'm shrinking!"
The doctor calmly responded, "Now, settle down. You'll just have to be a little patient."
A man and a woman argue over the custody of their child...
The woman screams, "The child is mine! I birthed him from my own flesh and blood and carried him through labour! All you did was screw me, you don't deserve him!"
The man calmly replies, "Tell me, if I put ten cents in a vending machine and a drink pops out, does it belong to me or the vending machine?"
God Will Save Me
There was a preacher who fell in the ocean and he couldn't swim. When a boat came by, the captain yelled, "Do you need help, sir?" The preacher calmly said "No, God will save me." A little later, another boat came by and a fisherman asked, "Hey, do you need help?" The preacher replied again, "No God will save me." Eventually the preacher drowned & went to heaven. The preacher asked God, "Why didn't you save me?" God replied, "Fool, I sent you two boats!"
Satan appeared before a small town congregation and everyone started screaming and running for the front church door, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away...
Soon everyone was gone except for an elderly gentleman, who sat calmly.
Satan walked up to him and said, "Don't you know who I am?"
The man replied, "Yep, sure do."
Satan asked, "Aren't you going to run?"
"Nope, sure ain't." said the man.
Satan asked, "Why aren't you afraid of me?"
The man replied, "Been married to your sister for over 48 years."
People are so easily offended these days.
That's why I only ever make jokes at the expense of white men, whose thick skins and calmly rational attitudes make them impossible to upset.
Two brother sit under the christmas tree....
One gets dozens of presents. He opens one after another, a tablet, a drone, a bike and plenty other things.
The other only gets one present with his name on it: a matchbox car.
The one boy with all the presents maliciously asks: guess whom they like more!
The other, calmly playing with the matchbox car, asks back: guess who has cancer.
A man tells his blonde girlfriend that his scalp is itchy.
Worried, she calls her mother and asks what to do. She replies calmly, Just give him some Head & Shoulders. She agrees, but calls back about 30 minutes later, Umm... how do you give someone shoulders?
After 10 years...
After 10 years, a mother realizes her kid looks a little funny and gets a DNA test done. Surprise, it's not her child! She tells the husband, who calmly replies, "What, you don't remember?" The wife shakes her head worriedly, hoping her husband's answer will fill in the gap. He says to her: "When we were leaving the hospital, the baby pooped in the diaper. You told me to change it, so I went back inside, grabbed a clean baby, and left the dirty one there."
My Girlfriend is turning 32 soon.
I told her not to get her hopes up.
After all, I say, we're only going to be celebrating it for half a minute.
She seemed upset and demanded to know why i would do that to her.
I calmly pointed out,
This is your thirty-second birthday...
Wife asks the husband, who's the fool - you or me?
The husband calmly replies, while sipping his coffee, "honey, everyone knows you are way too smart to marry a fool"
Edit - I swear the joke was hilarious in the language I translated it from.
A man takes his wife to get tested
Several days go by, and he receives a call from the doctor.
The doctor tells him, Due to an unfortunate mixup with the lab, we are not sure of your wife has Covid-19 or Alzheimer'
The man, clearly frustrated, asks, Well what am I supposed to do with that kind of information?
The doctor calmly suggests, I recommend you take her for a very long walk and leave her. If she comes home, don't let her in.
A jewish woman goes to the hospital to give birth to her son.
Unfortunately the baby boy is born without eyelids.
The jewish woman is hysterical and says: Doctor, doctor what am i going to do? My baby boy has no eyelids!
The doctor calmly replies: Missus Levine, don't worry your son is going to be circumcised so we can do a transplant and give him eyelids.
Missus Levine says: Doctor, doctor but I don't want a son that's gonna be cockeyed!
Doctor replies: But Missus Levine imagine what foresight he'll have!
5 gangsters calmly walk into a bar.
Immediately, a Karen rushes up to them and starts yelling at them to get out.
"What are you doing!?" yells the bartender. "They haven't even been here for two minutes!"
"Well," the Karen retorts. "I've heard that 5G's are bad for the environment!"
A mathematician comes home at 3:00 AM
A mathematician comes home at 3:00 AM and gets a good shouting at from his wife
"You said you'd be home at 11:45, this is so unlike you!
The mathematician calmly responds,"No dear I said I'd be back home at a quarter *of* twelve."
If you ever get locked out
Sit down and talk to the lock calmly,
Because communication is key.
A man was locked out of his apartment
He started talking calmly but firmly to the lock...
Because end of the day, communication is key.
A man goes in for hernia surgery
After the operation, the doctor meets him in the recovery room.
"Sir, the operation was successful but I have bad news. We accidentally removed your t**... during the surgery."
The man was immediately furious.
"You b**...! You dumb idiots! I'll kill you for this!"
The surgeon calmly replies "Now sir, you don't have the b**...."
If you ever get locked out of your house, talk to your lock calmly.
Because communication is key.
A boy asked a girl in a library, Do you mind if I sit next to you?
The girl replied with a loud angry voice; I don't want to spend the night with you! All the people in the library started looking at the boy and felt embarrassed. After a few minutes the girl walked calmly to the boy's table and said: I study psychology and I known what the man is thinking, I guess you felt pretty embarrassed, huh? The boy replied loudly: $300 for one night? That's too much! And all the people in the library looked at the girl in shock and the boy whispered in her ear, I study law I know how to make someone guilty
If you ever get locked out of your house,
talk to your lock calmly. Communication is key.
A rope walks into a bar...
The bartender points at him and says, "Hey! We don't serve your kind around here. Get out! "
The rope calmly exits the building, twists himself up, parts his hair, and goes back inside a few minutes later.
The bartender sees him again and asks angrily, "Aren't you that rope I just kicked out?"
"No, sir." the rope responds, "I'm a frayed knot."
A patient is screaming 'I lost my leg'
The doctor calmly points out 'no you haven't, see it's right there' and points to the other side of the room
A Man rushed into a Doctor's surgery, shouting ' help me Doctor, I'm shrinking' The Doctor calmly said ' Now settle down a bit '
.. you'll just have to learn to be a little patient.
I calmly opened the door and said, Son, I found a c**... in your room. He looked up sheepishly and groaned, Thanks Grandpa.
Why did you call me Grandpa? I questioned.
He laughed nervously, Because I couldn't find it yesterday.
A doctor is performing surgery on his patient.
All of a sudden the door swings open and in comes running a desperate man. He shouts help me doctor, im shrinking!!! The doctor calmly says Settle down a bit, you can't just come barging in here like that...you'll have to learn to be a little patient
Two guys in a helicopter are crossing a mountain range when the rotor breaks and the chopper is going to c**....
As they are falling to their certain death, the pilot calmly reaches to his pocket and pulls out a bright red lipstick. He puts lipstick on, then tears the steering wheel out of the dashboard and shoves it up his a**.... Passenger looks at the pilot in horror and shouts "what the h**... are you doing, we are going to die!" Pilot quietly answers "there's nothing we can do, I'm just giving the c**... investigators something to think about."
A lady with a morbid fear of drowning is on a ship in the middle of an ocean. Nervously , she asks a crew member 'just how far away from land are we?' Calmly, he reassures her ' you have nothing to worry about ,we're only 5 kilometers from land.' Relieved, she inquires 'oh, in which direction?'
That would be straight down, Miss........
A man with 12 kids was trying to rent a house. However, no landowner would allow him to rent their house due to the number of children he had. Frustrated, the man told his wife to visit her father's tombstone and bring all but their youngest child with her.
He then visited a property and told the landowner that he would like to rent the place.
"Is this your only child?" asked the landowner.
"No, I have 12 children" replied the man.
"Then where are the other 11 kids?"
"In the cemetery with my wife," he calmly replied.
A panic-stricken man explained to his doctor, You have to help me; I think I'm shrinking.
Now settle down, the doctor calmly told him. You're just going to have to be a little patient.
Two Parachutists
Two parachutists jumped out of a plane, they had headsets on so they could talk to each other on the way down.
One man's parachute opened, the other one's didn't.
The guy with the defective c**... was falling fast but appeared to be slowly and very calmly trying to figure out the issue. Appeared to be in no rush.
The other guy with the good c**... said Hey, you look so calm and collected. Why are you taking your time? Why aren't you panicking?
The guy with the unopened c**... said Hey, why should I rush? I've got the rest of my life to figure it out .
Tom lost a foot in a traffic accident.
Years later, he fell in love with Mary. Tom didn't tell Mary his disability, worrying that she might leave him.
Tom loved Mary so much that he proposed to her and she said yes.
The next day after the wedding, Mary called her mother angrily : " My husband has only one foot "
Her mother calmly replied :" Your father has only 6 inches ."
A husband and wife are sitting on the couch watching TV.
The wife looks at the husband and he is staring at the ceiling above her head.
She looks up and asks "What are you staring at?"
A spider, he replies.
I don't see anything.
Oh, it must have fallen on your head, he says calmly.
The wife jumps up screaming.
The man says, While you're up, you mind getting me another beer?"
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson were taking the train one day when they passed a huge flock of sheep in a field.
As quickly as they had observed the fluffy cloud it had passed out of view.
"So many sheep!" Watson exclaimed. "I wonder how many there were?"
"Elementary, Dear Watson. There were 167 sheep." Sherlock calmly stated.
"Holmes, are you really telling me you managed to count them all in that brief moment?" Watson inquired.
"Don't be silly, Watson. I counted the legs and divided them by four."
If you ever get locked outside, talk to your lock calmly
Because communication is the key
If you're ever locked out of your house, start talking to your lock, calmly and clearly.
After all, a good communication is the key!
If you ever get locked out of your house, just talk to the lock calmly...
After all, communication is key.
A man goes to a doctor...
for excruciating pains he's having in his abdomen. The doctor prescribes him suppositories, convinced that this will correct the issue.
About a week later, the doctor receives a call from the man, furious that his condition has gotten worse.
Surprised and alarmed, the doctor calmly asks the man if he's taken the medicine, to which the man replied "of course I have! What do you think I was doing? Shoving them up my a**...?"
Puberty story
A girl realized that she had grown hair between her legs. She got worried and asked her mom about that hair. Her mom calmly said, "That part where the hair has grown is called your monkey. Be proud that your monkey has grown hair." The girl smiled. At dinner, she told her sister, "My monkey has grown hair." Her sister smiled and said, "That's nothing; mine is already eating bananas."
Don't do it !!!
I talked a girl out of jumping off a bridge yesterday. I spent 3.5 hours talking her out of it quietly and calmly.
She seemed pretty grateful afterwards but the guy running the bungie jump looked **very** angry.
Two Men on a Camping Trip See a Bear Heading In Their Direction.
The first guy starts to panic, while the second guy calmly begins to lace up his sneakers.
First guy: "Are you crazy? You can't outrun that bear."
Second guy: "No, but I can outrun you."
A girl realized that she had grown hair between her legs.
A girl realized that she had grown hair between her legs. She got worried and asked her mom about that hair.
Her mom calmly said, "That part where the hair has grown is called your monkey. Be proud that your monkey has grown hair." The girl smiled.
At dinner, she told her sister, "My monkey has grown hair."
Her sister smiled and said, "That's nothing; mine is already eating bananas."
Stalin's assistant enters his office
"Sir! There is a man here who wants to see you. He claims to be able to see the future with perfect accuracy!"
Stalin takes a puff from his pipe, and gives his order. "Execute him."
The assistant obeys and the man is promptly executed.
Later, with a lot of hesitation, the assistant asks. "Sir, why did you order this man's execution?"
Stalin looks at him calmly, and responds. "If he could really see the future, he would've seen this coming, and I can't stand charlatans."
At the zoo, a kid says to his mother: "mom, look, look, that monkey looks really like my brother".
His mother looked at him and said calmly : "Lower your voice, don't say that, he can hear you".
The kid replied: "Don't worry mom, monkeys don't understand our language".
Einstein, Newton and Pascal play hide and seek together
Einstein, Newton and Pascal play hide and seek together.
It's Einstein's turn to count, and he closes his eyes. After counting to 10, Pascal runs away and hides.
Newton, on the other hand, very calmly draws a square on the ground, 1 meter on each side, in front of the place that Einstein counted, and goes to the middle of it and starts to wait.
When Einstein reaches 10, he opens his eyes and immediately says, "Newton, I found you!!" he shouts.
Newton smiles and says calmly: "You didn't find me, you found Newton per square meter. So you found Pascal."
