Calmly Jokes
97 calmly jokes and hilarious calmly puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about calmly that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest Calmly Short Jokes
Short calmly jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The calmly humour may include short peacefully jokes also.
- This girl said she would go out with me if I knew a six letter word that's a synonym for "calm". I said, "It's sedate."
- Surgeon: "Stay calm John, it's just a little cut with a scalpel, no need to be nervous." Patient: "Thanks Doc, but I'm not John"
surgeon: "I know, I am" - A man and a woman are lying in bed late night... ...and the woman asks her man: "Honey, do you prefer smart or pretty women?" and the man responds calmly: "Neither, baby, I prefer you."
- Two monkeys entered a bath. Monkey 1: Oooh oooh oooh aaah aaah aaah
Monkey 2: Calm down, it isn't that hot - I saw my girlfriend with another guy at the mall. I was about to confront them but I managed to calm myself down. That wouldn't be a good example to set in front of my wife and kids.
- If you ever get locked out of your house, talk to your lock calmly. Because communication is key.
- A guy calls the hospital. He says, "You gotta send help! My wife's going into labor!"
The nurse says, "Calm down. Is this her first child?"
He says, "No! This is her husband!" - A guy in a public place, phone out, camera on... He approaches a young woman. "What are you doing, creep?" she says. He glances up, smiles, and says "Calm down. I'm just trying to get a Pikachu."
- They say 'Whale noises' are meant to be calming... but I've been making them for 10 minutes and all the people at Slimming World seem rather angry with me.
- During an argument with her husband, a wife was just about to calm down. But then her husband asked her to calm down...
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Calmly One Liners
Which calmly one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with calmly? I can suggest the ones about gently and slowly.
- Everyone should calm down about that Net Neutrality thing... You guys seem so Ajitated.
- Why are Astronauts always so calm? There's no pressure in space.
- Why are doctors always calm? They have a lot of patients.
Sorry. - How do you calm down an astronaut? Give him some space
- Attention everyone: there is a national lettuce shortage everyone please romaine calm
- Telling a girl to calm down: works about as well as trying to baptize a cat.
- Why are skeletons always so calm? Nothing gets under their skin.
- There was a fire at an aromatherapy candle factory The situation is now calm.
- What did the cop say to the salad? Everyone romaine calm!
- I'm too calm to be a dermatologist. I refuse to make rash decisions.
- What is the most calming scent? Chloroform
- What was the name of that very calm Russian tennis player? Oh yeah, I got it - Panikova!
- The tale of the haunted refrigerator was calm and cold. Indeed, it was chilling.
- When a girl says she wants you to splurge on her Calm down, it's not what you think...
- If wives were bombs, what would their trigger code be? Calm Down
Delightful Fun Calmly Jokes for a Roaring Good Time
What funny jokes about calmly you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean softly jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make calmly pranks.
Joke about how dangerous China is
An American tourist came to China and fell into a construction ditch, he came out, injured, and angrily told the tour guide, "In America, in a dangerous area, we always put up red flags to warn people! Why wasn't there one here?"
The Chinese tour guide very calmly replied, "Didn't you already see it when you entered the country?"
An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman walk into a bar...
...they each order a pint. The Englishman gets his beer, looks at it and sees a fly in it. He immediately pushes the drink aside and demands a fresh pint. The Scotsman gets his drink and there's a fly in his. He calmly picks the fly out, flicks it aside and enjoys his drink. Finally, the Irishman gets his drink and there's a fly in his. He pulls it out, holds it by the wings and screams, "Spit it out! Spit it out, you thief!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Mowing the grass.
One Saturday afternoon, I was sitting on my porch, drinking a beer and watching my wife mow the lawn. The lady from across the street was so outraged that she came over and shouted at me, "You should be hung."
I calmly replied, "I am. That's why she cuts the grass."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My experiences working at an electronics store...
On a normal day at the shop a man walks up to me and taps me on the shoulder. I turn around with a big smile and ask "how can I help you". He says "well, I plan to shoot everyone in this store, my family and my dog" I then asked him very calmly "Sir...were you considering Nikon or Canon?"
Kid runs away from home
A man scolded his son for being so unruly and the child rebelled against his father. He got some of his clothes, his teddy bear and his piggy bank and proudly announced, 'I'm running away from home!'.
The father calmly decided to look at the matter logically. 'What if you get hungry?', he said.
'Then I'll come home and eat!', bravely declared the child. ' And what if you run out of money?'.
'I will come home and get some!', readily replied the child.
The man then made a final attempt, 'What if your clothes get dirty?'.
'Then I'll come home and let mommy wash them.', was the reply.
The man shook his head and exclaimed, 'This kid is not running away from home, he's going off to college!!'.
A Man With Sticks in the Middle of Town.
A man is hitting two sticks together in the middle of a small town in suburban America.
Another man walks up and asks, "why are you hitting those sticks together?"
The first man replies, "I'm keeping the elephants away."
Confused, the other man says, "but there are no elephants around here!"
The man with the sticks calmly replies, "You're welcome."
A lady is having a bad day at the tables in Vegas.
Down to her last $100, completely exasperated, she cries, "What rotten luck! What in the world should I do now?"
A gent next to her, trying to calm her down a bit, calmly suggests, "I don't know... Why don't you play your age?"
He walks away. Moments later, he is intrigued to hear a great commotion at the roulette table.
Maybe, she won!
Rushing back to the table and pushing his way through the crowd, he is stunned to see the lady lying limp on the floor, with the table operator kneeling over her.
He asks, "What happened? Is she all right?"
The croupier replies, "I don't know, buddy.... She put all her money on 29. When 36 came up she fainted!
A man down on his luck is praying at church
He prays for 24 hours straight, seeing such devotion god himself goes down to meet him. The man is perplexed, he is stunned for a moment and is not able to speak. Meanwhile God is looking at him in a calming manner. The man musters up his courage asks "God, What is a Second to you?."
God replies calmly "It is an eternity my child."
The man is satisfied with his answer asks another question" God, What is a penny to you?" to which God replies "A trillion dollars".
The man starts grinning and asks him " Can I have a penny then?".
God smiles and answers " Sure, wait a second."
A man is walking down the street...
...on his way home and decides to surprise his wife with flowers. He sees a storefront with the window overflowing with flowers and stops in. "I'll have a dozen roses," he says. The shopkeeper calmly shakes his head and says "I'm sorry, we don't sell flowers. We actually do circumcisions". The incredulous man looks back over his shoulder at the display full of flowers and says, "What do you mean you don't sell flowers? Your window is FULL of flowers?!"
At this point, the shopkeeper becomes annoyed and responds, "Look buddy, what do you want me to put in the window...?"
Two hunters are out hunting
Suddenly, they see a bear racing towards them. They start running, but all of a sudden one of them stops and starts to take off his hunting boots and put on running shoes.
The other hunters says to him: "What are you doing? Those will not make you run faster than the bear."
The first hunter replies calmly: "No, but they will make run faster than you."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A German walks into a bar after the World Cup.
As he is ordering a beer, he notices an American sitting at the edge of the bar.
After a tense pause, he says, "Hey American! How many world cups have you won?"
The American calmly replies
"Hey German. How many World Wars have you won?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Two explorers are surrounded by cannibals
The first explorer makes a run for it, but is quickly caught. The second calmly starts doing the old "trapped in a glass box" routine while his comrade watches on, bewildered. Visibly disgusted, the cannibals wave him away.
Just before they lead their captive off to the s**..., he asks the second explorer why they spared him. "A mime is a terrible thing to taste."
A patient complained to his doctor...
"I've been to three other doctors and none of them agreed with your diagnosis."
The doctor calmly replied, "Just wait until the autopsy, then you'll see that I was right."
A blonde gets on a flight to Milwaukee.
She doesn't have a first class ticket, but sits in first class anyway. The stewardess notices this and calmly asks her to go to the seat on her ticket. The blonde starts yelling and screaming about how she doesn't have to do what the stewardess says, and she can sit where she wants. After a few minutes of this, another passenger walks up to the blonde and whispers something in her ear. She gets this panicked look on her face, and rushes out of first class to her seat. The stewardess looks at the passenger and says, "Thanks, what did you say to her?" The passenger replies, "I told her first class wasn't landing in Milwaukee."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
The school principal is walking along the corridor
and sees a ten-year-old strolling in the opposite direction, smoking a cigarette and drinking beer from a bottle.
The principal is outraged and cries out:
— What's going on here? Why aren't you at class? And how dare you smoke and drink alcohol at school? What class are you from?
The kid calmly blows smoke into the principal's face and says:
— Bourgeoisie.
Gliding Eagles
Two eagles were gliding at a high altitude and discussing life, when a F-15 fighter jet zooms above them. It throws them off course and ruffles up their feathers.
They calm down and get back on track gliding next to each other.
The first eagle, excitedly 'Wow!! Now thats what I call speed!!'
The second eagle, calmly replies 'Trust me. You would be flying that fast too if your sphincter was on fire.'
I'll never forget how my grandfather died...
Every one in our family remembers it - he didn't hesitate, he looked calmly, then pushed forward, charging into the face of death, and managed to kill 5 of em' before a piece of shrapnel ended his life...
Meanwhile my grandma was shouting "IT'S A RED LIGHT!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Jesus and the apostles run out of w**......
Peter is upset but Simon calmly reminds him, "He has resin."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A bear goes into a bar
he sits down and immediately mauls to death and devours the woman on the stool next to him.
he then calmly orders a beer
bartender: "sorry, we don't serve drug users in here"
bear: "but I don't do drugs"
bartender: "what about that barbitchyouate"
Serial killer joke
I was once interrogated a egotistical serial killer who preyed on women. I asked him, "what makes you think you're such a hit with women?" He looked at me and calmly said, "Well I take their breath away don't I?"
A kid asks his mother about his cousins...
"Mommy, why is my cousin named Rose?"
The mother replied, "Because your aunt loves roses."
The boy replies, "What about my other cousin, Daisy?"
"Your aunt also loved daisies." The mother added calmly.
"So why is my name-"
The mother interjects, "Be quiet and eat your dinner, Dickie!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A maid asks for a raise
A maid asks for a raise from the queen.
"Give me three good reasons to give you a raise." the queen demands.
"Well, I cook better than you." Astounded by the answer, the queen asks, "Who told you that?"
The maid replies with, "Your husband told me that.".
The queen is unhappy, but shrugs it off and asks for another reason.
"I'm a better cleaner than you are." The queen is unhappy again and asks who told the maid this. "Your husband told me that." The queen is now unhappy and asks for a final reason to give a raise.
The maid says, "I'm better in bed than you." The queen's jaw drops open and asks "DON'T TELL ME MY HUSBAND TOLD YOU THAT DID HE?".
The maid replies calmly with, "No, the driver did."
The queen curses quietly, "Shhh. Keep it down, its 25% okay?"
"bowl of chips"
9 out of 10 voices in my head are telling me that I am too fat. The last one is calmly preparing a bowl of chips.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My therapist asked me what I'd feel if I shot someone.
"Recoil", I calmly answered.
A man is granted one wish, but with a catch
A man unlocks a genie, and the genie tells him that he will grant him one wish, but whatever he wishes for, all lawyers in the world will be granted double.
The man thinks long and hard about his one wish, and calmly states "I wish to donate a kidney"
Switzerland declares war on China.
The Chinese President is informed by one of his aides that Switzerland has declared war on them. The president calmly asks:
"What's the population of Switzerland?", the aide replies: "8 million, sir", and so the president says: "Alright, which hotel will they be staying at?".
Devil in the Church
One Sunday morning, Satan appeared before a small town congregation. Everyone started screaming and running for the front church door, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away.
Soon, everyone was gone, except for an elderly gentleman who sat calmly. Satan walked up to the man and said, "Don't you know who I am?"
The man replied, "Yep, sure do."
Satan asked, "Aren't you going to run?"
"Nope, sure ain't," said the man.
Perturbed, Satan asked, "Why aren't you afraid of me?"
The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for over 48 years."
A little girl asks her mother why her name is Feather
"You see, daughter - when you were born, a feather blew in through the window and landed on your head." she replies.
"Then why is my name Leaf?" Asked her little brother. "You see," replied his mother - "when you were born, a leaf blew in through the window and landed on your head."
In comes the youngest brother, and yells:
"BLARRRG BLARR BLARR!"
His mother calmly replies,
"Please be quiet, Refrigerator."
A criminal burgles into a dormitory...
He yells at one of the students:
"I'm looking for money!"
The student calmly replies:
"What a coincidence, I am too!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A man walks into a bar with a gun
A man walks into a bar with a gun and yells "WHO SLEPT WITH MY WIFE! I'M GONNA KILL 'EM!"
A man calmly stands up and says, "You ain't got enough bullets, mate."
A mathematician wanders back home at 3A.M..
A mathematician wanders back home at 3 a.m. and proceeds to get an earful from his wife.
You're late! she yells. You said you'd be home by 11:45!
Actually, the mathematician replies calmly, I said I'd be home by a 'quarter of 12'.
A horse walks into a bar...
People begin to quickly, but calmly leave the bar as they realize the potential danger of the situation.
A rabbi and a priest
A rabbi Asked a priest:
>Could you ever be promoted in your church?
The priest answered,
>Well, I could become a bishop
The Rabbi asked,
>And then?
The preist said,
>Well, I suppose I could even be an archbishop
The rabbi said,
>And if you were to be promoted again?
The priest answered,
>Well, then I would be a cardinal
The rabbi inquired once again, to which the priest answered,
>I could become the Pope
The rabbi asked,
>And then?
The priest threw up his hands and said,
>what more could I become?
God himself?!
The rabbi calmly replied,
>One of our boys made it.
Playing doctor
Susie and Johnny were playing doctor, when Susie suddenly started crying and ran to her mother.
Later the Susie's mother confronted the Johnny's mother. "My Susie said that your Johnny was playing doctor with her!".
Johnny's mother responded calmly, "that's OK, kids are always exploring. I wouldn't worry about it."
Susie's mom screamed out, "but he took out her appendix!"
The police officer holds up a photo and asks a man; "is this your wife?"
The man looks at the photo and answers; "Yes that is her."
The police officer looks the man in the eyes and calmly exclaims; "I am afraid it looks as though your wife has been hit by a train."
The man replies; "Yes, officer, but she is kind and makes great food for me."
A kid asked a priest...
"Father, besides praying do you have any other pass-time?"
The priest tapped the kids cheek & calmly replied:
"Nun my child, Nun".
A preacher at a church in Chicago...
...has almost reached the end of his sermon. Before he finishes, he tells the congregation "Now for next week, I need everyone to read Leviticus chapter 28. It will tie into my sermon" A week quickly passes. The preacher calmly walks the pulpit, looks out and asks "Show of hands, how many of you read Leviticus chapter 28?" One person slowly raises their hand. Then another and then another. Soon, everyone has raised their hands. The preacher looked and said "Ladies and gentlemen, there is no 28th chapter to Leviticus. Now let me begin my sermon on lying."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A village of mathematical functions is slumbering
when suddenly the alarm bells ring:
a rogue differential operator has been sighted.
Fearing for their life, the functions run away or try to hide, but a brave function stands its ground and confronts the aggressor: I am e to the x, you cannot do anything to me! Go away!
The differential operator calmly replies: but I am d over dt, and proceeds to s**... the poor exponential.
A man walks into Target
He gets a cart and visits each aisle picking out various items that he's never bought before. He takes his overloaded buggie up to the checkout and calmly watches each item beginning scanned. When it's over and the cashier asks for payment, he says, "Oh I don't have any money. This was just Target practice."
A girl realizes that she has grown hair between her legs
She gets worried and asks her mom about that hair. Her mom calmly says, "That part where the hair has grown is called your monkey. Be proud that your monkey has grown hair." The girl smiled. At dinner, she tells her sister, "My monkey has grown hair." Her sister smiles and says, "That's nothing; mine is already eating bananas."
A blonde is walking along the side of a highway...
When she sees a brunette jumping in the middle between the opposing lanes of traffic chanting "twenty, twenty, twenty..."
Curious the blonde asks what she's doing.
"I'm jumping up and down saying twenty, do it with me, " replies the brunette.
So they both start to jump when a truck suddenly runs over the blonde, killing her.
The brunette calmly walks over to the body, and drags her to the side of the road. She then returns to the middle of the highway, starts jumping up and down, and chants "twenty one, twenty one, twenty one..."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A man and a woman argue over the custody of their child...
The woman screams, "The child is mine! I birthed him from my own flesh and blood and carried him through labour! All you did was screw me, you don't deserve him!"
The man calmly replies, "Tell me, if I put ten cents in a vending machine and a drink pops out, does it belong to me or the vending machine?"
God Will Save Me
There was a preacher who fell in the ocean and he couldn't swim. When a boat came by, the captain yelled, "Do you need help, sir?" The preacher calmly said "No, God will save me." A little later, another boat came by and a fisherman asked, "Hey, do you need help?" The preacher replied again, "No God will save me." Eventually the preacher drowned & went to heaven. The preacher asked God, "Why didn't you save me?" God replied, "Fool, I sent you two boats!"
Satan appeared before a small town congregation and everyone started screaming and running for the front church door, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away...
Soon everyone was gone except for an elderly gentleman, who sat calmly.
Satan walked up to him and said, "Don't you know who I am?"
The man replied, "Yep, sure do."
Satan asked, "Aren't you going to run?"
"Nope, sure ain't." said the man.
Satan asked, "Why aren't you afraid of me?"
The man replied, "Been married to your sister for over 48 years."
Little boy calls to his teacher
and says "James won't be in school today, he is sick"
Teacher replies "Oh, I am sorry to hear that. By the way who am i talking to,?"
Boy answers calmly "With my Dad"
God was creating the countries when it became Brazil's turn
God: This land will be a land filled with natural resources, the women will be beautiful, there will be no hurricanes or tornados, they will also have a lot of forests.
The angels were thinking this was a little too much and asked God, Isn't this a little too good?
God calmly answered: Wait for their politicians
A tow truck driver is pulling a lady out of the ditch....
He says to her "you are the second pregnant lady I've pulled out of the ditch today". With a bit of confusion she hastily replies "I am not pregnant". He pauses and calmly states "you are not out of the ditch yet".
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A beautiful p**... attended a high profile function..
When it was time for introductions you could hear, I am Dr this and that, professor this or that, Barristers, engineers this and that.
When it was the turn of the p**..., she calmly said she is a Civil Engineer.
Another curious engineer in the room got interested and asked her for area of specialization.
The lady calmly responded "I demolish erections"
Two brother sit under the christmas tree....
One gets dozens of presents. He opens one after another, a tablet, a drone, a bike and plenty other things.
The other only gets one present with his name on it: a matchbox car.
The one boy with all the presents maliciously asks: guess whom they like more!
The other, calmly playing with the matchbox car, asks back: guess who has cancer.
"Now cut the red wire to defuse the bomb, sir" said the defusing expert calmly to me over the phone
What an explosive way to find out you're colourblind.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A man decided to get a DNA test
When the results came, he confronted his parents because he found they weren't his real parents.
His mom, shocked and confused, tried to understand what had happened while his father tried to calm her down.
"I thought you knew" said the father.
"What do you mean?? How was I supposed to know he's not our son??" answered the mother.
The father calmly explained "Well, when we were leaving the hospital, he s**... himself and you told me to go back and change it"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
One day at work some friends were talking about the s**... they had on their wedding night.
First friend said 'oh we enjoyed it a lot, we did it 6 times and tried different positions each time.'
Second said 'that's nothing, we did it almost 13 times till I was completely dry and exhausted'
They asked the third guy about his wedding night, he replied that they did it only once and slept.
Both friends started laughing hysterically and asked why.
He calmly replied 'she wasn't used to it'.
Wife asks the husband, who's the fool - you or me?
The husband calmly replies, while sipping his coffee, "honey, everyone knows you are way too smart to marry a fool"
Edit - I swear the joke was hilarious in the language I translated it from.
A guy walks into a hotel
He asks at the front desk for his reservation .
The manager asks about his details and then gives him the key.
The guest then takes his room key and goes into the elevator.
After half an hour he comes back and angrily complains the manger that he couldn't find his room
The manager calmly replies," Well what did you expect when you booked room 404?."
The personal assistant enters Stalin's office to announce to him: "Comrade Stalin, a clairvoyant is waiting outside demanding an audience with you. He says that he is able to foresee the future."
Stalin, still bent over the table, calmly replies: "He shall be executed. If he really foresaw the future, he would never want to meet me."
A man takes his wife to get tested
Several days go by, and he receives a call from the doctor.
The doctor tells him, Due to an unfortunate mixup with the lab, we are not sure of your wife has Covid-19 or Alzheimer'
The man, clearly frustrated, asks, Well what am I supposed to do with that kind of information?
The doctor calmly suggests, I recommend you take her for a very long walk and leave her. If she comes home, don't let her in.
The American man and the British man
(Not sure where I learned this one)
Once there was an American man talking to a British man. The American man was lecturing the British man, saying he was saying things wrong. He said its not lift its elevator, its not Tele its TV and its not a boot its a trunk of a car. The British man calmly said back "its not a shooting range its a school
A jewish woman goes to the hospital to give birth to her son.
Unfortunately the baby boy is born without eyelids.
The jewish woman is hysterical and says: Doctor, doctor what am i going to do? My baby boy has no eyelids!
The doctor calmly replies: Missus Levine, don't worry your son is going to be circumcised so we can do a transplant and give him eyelids.
Missus Levine says: Doctor, doctor but I don't want a son that's gonna be cockeyed!
Doctor replies: But Missus Levine imagine what foresight he'll have!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
5 gangsters calmly walk into a bar.
Immediately, a Karen rushes up to them and starts yelling at them to get out.
"What are you doing!?" yells the bartender. "They haven't even been here for two minutes!"
"Well," the Karen retorts. "I've heard that 5G's are bad for the environment!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A man goes in for hernia surgery
After the operation, the doctor meets him in the recovery room.
"Sir, the operation was successful but I have bad news. We accidentally removed your t**... during the surgery."
The man was immediately furious.
"You b**...! You dumb idiots! I'll kill you for this!"
The surgeon calmly replies "Now sir, you don't have the b**...."
A boy asked a girl in a library, Do you mind if I sit next to you?
The girl replied with a loud angry voice; I don't want to spend the night with you! All the people in the library started looking at the boy and felt embarrassed. After a few minutes the girl walked calmly to the boy's table and said: I study psychology and I known what the man is thinking, I guess you felt pretty embarrassed, huh? The boy replied loudly: $300 for one night? That's too much! And all the people in the library looked at the girl in shock and the boy whispered in her ear, I study law I know how to make someone guilty
A rope walks into a bar...
The bartender points at him and says, "Hey! We don't serve your kind around here. Get out! "
The rope calmly exits the building, twists himself up, parts his hair, and goes back inside a few minutes later.
The bartender sees him again and asks angrily, "Aren't you that rope I just kicked out?"
"No, sir." the rope responds, "I'm a frayed knot."
A patient is screaming 'I lost my leg'
The doctor calmly points out 'no you haven't, see it's right there' and points to the other side of the room
An American, a Chinese and an Indian went on a world tour by Air.
The American proudly declared "we have reached my homeland USA" pointing at the Statue of Liberty.
After some hours, the Chinese pointed at the Great Wall of China and exclaimed "friends, we have reached China".
More hours went by and all eyes were on the Indian. He calmly opened the window and put his hand outside. When he pulled his arm back, his wristwatch was gone. Unconcerned, he announced "Guys, welcome to India."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Two guys in a helicopter are crossing a mountain range when the rotor breaks and the chopper is going to c**....
As they are falling to their certain death, the pilot calmly reaches to his pocket and pulls out a bright red lipstick. He puts lipstick on, then tears the steering wheel out of the dashboard and shoves it up his a**.... Passenger looks at the pilot in horror and shouts "what the h**... are you doing, we are going to die!" Pilot quietly answers "there's nothing we can do, I'm just giving the c**... investigators something to think about."
A lady with a morbid fear of drowning is on a ship in the middle of an ocean. Nervously , she asks a crew member 'just how far away from land are we?' Calmly, he reassures her ' you have nothing to worry about ,we're only 5 kilometers from land.' Relieved, she inquires 'oh, in which direction?'
That would be straight down, Miss........
A man with 12 kids was trying to rent a house. However, no landowner would allow him to rent their house due to the number of children he had. Frustrated, the man told his wife to visit her father's tombstone and bring all but their youngest child with her.
He then visited a property and told the landowner that he would like to rent the place.
"Is this your only child?" asked the landowner.
"No, I have 12 children" replied the man.
"Then where are the other 11 kids?"
"In the cemetery with my wife," he calmly replied.
An American is lecturing a British person,
saying things like it's an elevator not a lift and it's chips not crisps etc. After a while of this the British person calmly retorted they're schools, not shooting ranges .
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Two Parachutists
Two parachutists jumped out of a plane, they had headsets on so they could talk to each other on the way down.
One man's parachute opened, the other one's didn't.
The guy with the defective c**... was falling fast but appeared to be slowly and very calmly trying to figure out the issue. Appeared to be in no rush.
The other guy with the good c**... said Hey, you look so calm and collected. Why are you taking your time? Why aren't you panicking?
The guy with the unopened c**... said Hey, why should I rush? I've got the rest of my life to figure it out .
Tom lost a foot in a traffic accident.
Years later, he fell in love with Mary. Tom didn't tell Mary his disability, worrying that she might leave him.
Tom loved Mary so much that he proposed to her and she said yes.
The next day after the wedding, Mary called her mother angrily : " My husband has only one foot "
Her mother calmly replied :" Your father has only 6 inches ."
A husband and wife are sitting on the couch watching TV.
The wife looks at the husband and he is staring at the ceiling above her head.
She looks up and asks "What are you staring at?"
A spider, he replies.
I don't see anything.
Oh, it must have fallen on your head, he says calmly.
The wife jumps up screaming.
The man says, While you're up, you mind getting me another beer?"
3 Docs needed…
A Doctor was relaxing on his sofa one evening just after arriving home from work. As he was tuning into the evening news, the phone rang.
The doctor calmly answered it, and heard the familiar voice of a colleague on the other end of the line.
"We have already opened an 18 year old RARE SINGLE MALT GLENFIDDICH WHISKEY..
"I'll be right over," whispered the doctor.
As he was moving out, his wife asked, "Is it serious..?"
"Oh yes, quite", said the doctor gravely. Shaking his head, he muttered "Only18 years old. 3 doctors are there already..!"
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson were taking the train one day when they passed a huge flock of sheep in a field.
As quickly as they had observed the fluffy cloud it had passed out of view.
"So many sheep!" Watson exclaimed. "I wonder how many there were?"
"Elementary, Dear Watson. There were 167 sheep." Sherlock calmly stated.
"Holmes, are you really telling me you managed to count them all in that brief moment?" Watson inquired.
"Don't be silly, Watson. I counted the legs and divided them by four."
2 lawyers were stood in a queue at a bank. As they were chatting, some masked robbers came in to the bank and demanded everyone hands over their wallets.
The first lawyer calmly takes his wallet out of his pocket, takes $1000 out of his wallet and hands it to the second lawyer and says here you go, this is that $1000 I owe you
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This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A man goes to a doctor...
for excruciating pains he's having in his abdomen. The doctor prescribes him suppositories, convinced that this will correct the issue.
About a week later, the doctor receives a call from the man, furious that his condition has gotten worse.
Surprised and alarmed, the doctor calmly asks the man if he's taken the medicine, to which the man replied "of course I have! What do you think I was doing? Shoving them up my a**...?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Don't do it !!!
I talked a girl out of jumping off a bridge yesterday. I spent 3.5 hours talking her out of it quietly and calmly.
She seemed pretty grateful afterwards but the guy running the bungie jump looked **very** angry.
Two Men on a Camping Trip See a Bear Heading In Their Direction.
The first guy starts to panic, while the second guy calmly begins to lace up his sneakers.
First guy: "Are you crazy? You can't outrun that bear."
Second guy: "No, but I can outrun you."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Stalin's assistant enters his office
"Sir! There is a man here who wants to see you. He claims to be able to see the future with perfect accuracy!"
Stalin takes a puff from his pipe, and gives his order. "Execute him."
The assistant obeys and the man is promptly executed.
Later, with a lot of hesitation, the assistant asks. "Sir, why did you order this man's execution?"
Stalin looks at him calmly, and responds. "If he could really see the future, he would've seen this coming, and I can't stand charlatans."
At the zoo, a kid says to his mother: "mom, look, look, that monkey looks really like my brother".
His mother looked at him and said calmly : "Lower your voice, don't say that, he can hear you".
The kid replied: "Don't worry mom, monkeys don't understand our language".
Einstein, Newton and Pascal play hide and seek together
Einstein, Newton and Pascal play hide and seek together.
It's Einstein's turn to count, and he closes his eyes. After counting to 10, Pascal runs away and hides.
Newton, on the other hand, very calmly draws a square on the ground, 1 meter on each side, in front of the place that Einstein counted, and goes to the middle of it and starts to wait.
When Einstein reaches 10, he opens his eyes and immediately says, "Newton, I found you!!" he shouts.
Newton smiles and says calmly: "You didn't find me, you found Newton per square meter. So you found Pascal."
