calm Jokes

funny jokes and hilarious calm stories

What are the best calm puns and pranks?

Did you ever wanted to prank someone about Calm? Well here is a complete list of the top calm jokes:

I'm trying to write a joke about overdosing on cocaine

But I need a line to end it.
-Matt Melvin
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Funniest joke of all time...according to Wikipedia...thought I share.

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps, "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says "Calm down. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a gun shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says "OK, now what?"[

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Doctor's orders for more peace in your life

A doctor on TV said that in order to have inner peace in our lives after this election, we should always finish things we start. Since we all could use more calm in our lives, I looked around my house to find things I'd started and hadn't finished.

I finished a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of Chardonnay, a bodle of Baileys, a butle of wum, tha mainder of Valiuminun scriptins, an a box a choclutz. Yu has no idr how fablus I feel rite now.

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A guy calls the hospital.

He says, "You gotta send help! My wife's going into labor!"

The nurse says, "Calm down. Is this her first child?"

He says, "No! This is her husband!"

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Calm down about the Net Neutrality thing...

Paying additional money to access certain sites will give you a sense of pride and accomplishment.

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Horror at the zoo

A man is at the zoo with his family. Suddenly a flustered employee comes up and says

*Sir, sir! There's been a terrible accident!*

The man responds, *What happened?*

*Your mother-in-law fell into the alligator pool!*

The man, supremely calm, says to the worker, *Not my problem! You try to save those alligators.*

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Lady barges into radio shack

She grabs at the nearest employee and exclaims:


"I need a pack of double A batteries RIGHT NOW!"


The employee, flustered, replies: "All right, stay calm and just ... come this way", as he gestures her to follow him with a wave of his fingers.


She yells "If I could do that, I wouldn't need the batteries!"

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An old lady gets into an accident with a midget...

...he gets out of the car, obviously furious, and stomps toward the old woman. "I am *not* happy," he growls.
The old woman, calm as can be, says:
"Well, which one are you, then?"

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A man and his wife are having sex...

...when their ten year old son walks in on them. The son screams, "OH MY GOD!" and then runs out of the room. The father laughs and says to give the son a few minutes to calm down, and then he'll explain what was going on.

A few minutes later, the father walks into his sons room to find him having sex with his grandmother. The man screams, "OH MY GOD!"

"Yeah," his son says, "It's not so funny when it's your mother, is it?"

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Two hunters

Two hunters were out walking in the woods when suddenly one of them collapses and falls to the ground. The other hunter calls 911 and says "Help! My friend collapsed and died! What can I do?". The 911-operator replies "Calm down, I can help you. First, let's make sure he's really dead". There's a silence and then a gunshot. The hunter gets back on the phone and says "Ok, now what?"

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Did you pay the VISA bill?

A man and a woman end up on a deserted island. He is desperate and cries:" oh, honey we're gonna die so young. Nobody will ever find us here!!!" She is very calm and relaxed. "Don't panic , dear, we'll be OK in few hours, I forgot to pay our VISA bill, the'll find us, don't worry"

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How do you catch a unique rabbit?

Unique up on it.

How do you catch a tame rabbit?
Tame way! Unique up on it!

How do you catch a calm rabbit?
Calm on, tame way! Unique up on it!

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Drunked in a pub

In a pub will one man start to scream on other man : "hey dude i fucked your Mother"
Whole pub get silent and waits for reaction of the other man, but he is silent
Man screams again : "Hey! I fucked your Mother"
The other man is still silent...
The man screams again even more loud: " Do you hear me you idiot? I fucked your Mother"
The second man finally answer with calm voice
"Please dad, go home, you are too drunk"

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Sex Shop

The sales girl at the Sex Shop didn't bat an eye when the customer purchased an artificial vagina.

"What are you going to use it for?" she asked.

"I don't think it's any of your business," answered the customer, beet red and slightly offended.

"Calm down, buddy," soothed the salesgirl. "The only reason I'm asking is that if it's food, we don't have to charge you sales tax."

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Conversation between a 911 operator and a hunter

"911, what's your emergency?"

"My friend and I went hunting and he got attacked by a bear, I managed to scare it away, but I think my friend is dead"

"OK, stay calm. First, make sure he is dead"

*Gun shot*

"He is. Now what?"

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This is the worst joke I've ever told, and I think it's hilarious. Am I really alone?

A woman bursts into a doctor's office and says, "Doctor! I'm having a panic attack!"

The doctor looks at her and says, "Calm down."

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Rewrote an old joke to match today's trends

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services.

He gasps: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says: "Calm down, I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead."

There is a silence, then a shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says: "OK, now what?"

The operator then fainted.

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Two guys were out hunting. . .

Two guys are out hunting and while they were walking one of them grabs his chest and falls forward


Panicked the other guy calls 911 and says I think my friend is dead . . .

The operator says "ok calm down first lets make sure he is dead."

It goes silent on the hunters end and then you hear a gunshot. . .

The guy gets on the phone and says "okay, now what?"

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A guy run up to me and started yelling,

"I'm a teepee! I'm a wigwam!"

I said, "Calm down, man. You're too tense."

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Two hunters jokes

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He's not breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls 911.

​

I think my friend is dead! he yells. What can I do?

​

The operator says, Calm down. First, let's make sure he's dead.

​

There's a silence, then a shot. Back on the phone, the guy says, OK, now what?

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Guy calls 911...

...says, "Help me, help me, my wife's having a baby!"

911 Operator says, "Ok, sir, remain calm, is this her first child?"

Guy says "No, it's her fucking husband!"

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So a son walks in on his parents...

A man and his wide are having sex when their ten year old son walks in on them. The son screams OH MY GOD and then runs out of the room. The father laughs and says to give the son a few minutes to calm down, and then he'll explain what was going on.

A few minutes later, the father walks into his sons room to fins him having sex with his grandmother. The man screams OH MY GOD! Yeah, his son says. It's not so funny when it's YOUR mother, is it?

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A new project has started in Egypt;

The government has begun to put more cars on the road, ordering them to beep occasionally. As a result, the familiar sounds of the city will be returned in order to calm the residents of Egypt.

They have called this operation toot-and-calm-em.

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As a plane flies over the Atlantic an engine bursts...

The pilot gets on the intercom and says "Attention Passengers, please stay calm. We appear to be having minor engine problems, and in order to assure a safe, non-water landing, we have to ditch all non necessary weight"

So all the plane's drink carts and excess cargo and such is dumped, and the pilot returns to studying his gauges. After about a half hour, he realizes that the plane will not make a safe landing without losing more weight, so he turns on the intercom once more. "Attention passengers and crew. Unfortunately the engine trouble is more severe than previously anticipated, and we must lose more weight. So I regret to inform you that we will now be kicking off passengers until the plane's safety is assured. Now to make sure that this is fair, I have decided the people to leave will be alphabetical, ABC"s. So first will be the African-Americans, then the Blacks, followed by the colored..."

As the announcement ended, a small black child looked up at his father and asked "Daddy, does that mean us?" And the father looked down at his child, smiled, and replied "Son, today we niggas!"

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The Hypnotist at the senior's center

One day the local senior's center brought in a hypnotist to entertain the elderly. He pulled out an old family heirloom pocket watch and waved it back and forth, slowly, repeating 'watch the watch' in a calm, soothing voice.
Back and forth it went, 'watch the watch, watch the watch' until the whole room was entranced.
Suddenly, the watch's chain slipped out of the hypnotist's hand and the watch fell to the ground and smashed into a thousand pieces.

"Shit!" Said the hypnotist.

It took 3 days to clean up the senior's center.

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The gift

A teen goes out with this Goth chic and she has tiny skulls everywhere the teen asked "cool skulls can i have one?" the girl says yes a few weeks later they break up the teens friend tries to calm him and says "Hey at least you got a little head"

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Ok, ok, calm down, I'll call a plumber...

An old Jewish couple, Motti and Sara are going to bed. They get undressed and turn off the lights when Sara quickly pops to the bathroom. Suddenly, ten seconds later Motti hears Sara screaming, he jumps out of bed and rushes to the bathroom only to find a distressed Sara stuck arse-first in the toilet.

"Motti, I slipped and fell in and now the suction means I can't get out!"

After some pulling and shoving Motti gives in says he will have to call a plumber, which he promptly does.

"Honey, you can relax, the plumber will be here in a half hour."

"But Motti, look at me, I'm butt-naked, I can't have him see me like this!"

Quick thinking, Motti takes off his yarmulke (kippa, skullcap, whatever) and carefully places it over Sara's crotch, thus protecting her dignity. With excitingly accurate timing, the plumber does indeed arrive thirty minutes later, Motti takes him upstairs and shows him his wife's predicament, the plumber says he will need a few minutes to assess the situation during which time Motti should go make him a coffee. Motti returns:

"Well? Whaddya reckon, can you get her out?"

"Yeah I can free your wife. But the Rabbi: he's a goner."

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Spaghetti

His palms are spaghetti, knees weak, arms are spaghetti.
There's vomit on his sweater spaghetti, mom's spaghetti.
He's nervous, but on the surface he looks calm and spaghetti to drop bombs.

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A man was walking to work...

On his way to work every morning a man walked past a beach.

One week he saw a girl with no arms or legs crying on the beach all by herself.

He went up to her and asked what was wrong.

She said, "No one has ever hugged me before."

So he proceeded to hug her and give her a nice pat on the back and tell her that it was alright.

She seemed calm after receiving a hug, but the next day when the man was walking to work he saw the same girl crying again.

He asked her what was wrong now.

She told him, "No one has ever kissed me before."

The man, feeling extremely sorry for the girl, leaned down and gave her a nice kiss.

Then the man smiled and went to work.

But lo and behold, the next morning the same girl was crying on the beach.

This time she told the man "No one has ever fucked me before."

The man looked at her for a moment, picked her up, threw her into the ocean and said "You're fucked now."

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Twins

A pregnant woman was involved in a car accident and fell into a coma. When she awoke days later she realized she was no longer carrying a child, and asked, "Doc, what happened to my baby?!"

The doctor replied, "Calm down ma'am, you gave birth to healthy twins! You're the proud mother of a handsome baby boy and a beautiful baby girl. Also, you should know that while you were in a coma, your brother named the children for you."

"Oh, no!" shrieked the woman. "Not my brother! He's not really all together, if you know what I mean!"

The doctor replied, "Well, ma'am, your brother named your daughter Denise."

"Oh, that's no so bad," smiled the woman. Then, hesitantly, she asked, "What's the boy's name?"

The doctor grinned and said, "Denephew."

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Three men and a parachute

So, a norwegian, a danish and a swedish person are on a private flight. Suddenly, the pilot turns on the speaker and says:
"The plane is malfunctioning and is going to crash. There's three parachutes, and I'm going to take one. You're going to have to figure out who doesn't get one".
He then proceeds to jump out of the plane.

The three men panic, but the norwegian tells the others to calm down and then says to the swedish person: "Here. You take one, we'll figure out who gets the last one." And the swedish jumps.

The norwegian then turns to the danish person and says: "Let's grab the chutes and get out of this thing."

The danish says, very confused:" But you just gave the second to last parachute to that swedish guy? There's only one left now."

To which the norwegian replies: "Relax man, I gave him my backpack."

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Two guys are drinking and driving....

... and come across sobriety test check point. They see this from a distance, but cannot turn around and have no choice but to go through. One guy starts panicking, but the other is calm and collected. The calm and collected guys tells the other to pull over before they proceed; he has a plan. For starters, his plan included drinking all of the beer -- confused, the panicking guy goes along thinking how much more trouble can he be in. After all of the beer was gone the panicky guy asks, what now? The other guy tells him to peel of the beer sticker and put it on his arm. Still confused, he complies. They roll up to the check point and the cop asks them if they have been drinking. The calm and collected guy says, no sir, we're on the patch.

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Pilot Choice

As the crowded airliner is about to take off, the peace is shattered by a five-year-old boy who picks that moment to throw a wild temper tantrum. No matter what his frustrated, embarrassed mother does to try to calm him down, the boy continues to scream furiously and kick the seats around him. Suddenly, from the rear of the plane, an elderly man in the uniform of an Air Force General is seen slowly walking forward up the aisle. Stopping the flustered mother with an upraised hand, the white-haired, courtly, soft-spoken General leans down and, motioning toward his chest, whispers something into the boy's ear.

Instantly, the boy calms down, gently takes his mother's hand, and quietly fastens his seat belt.

All the other passengers burst into spontaneous applause. As the General slowly makes his way back to his seat, one of the cabin attendants touches his sleeve.

"Excuse me, General," she asks quietly, "but could I ask you what magic words you used on that little boy?"

The old man smiles serenely and gently confides, "I showed him my pilot's wings, service stars, and battle ribbons, and explained that they entitle me to throw one passenger out the plane door, on any flight I choose."

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A problem parrot...

A woman was speaking with her vet about her male parrot. She said every time she brought a guy home on a date, the parrot would say, "Oh, someone is getting laid tonight."

Obviously, this was embarrassing to the woman and she wanted some help with it. The vet suggested that if she were to put a female bird in the cage with the parrot that perhaps he would calm down and not do this embarrassing behavior.

She went to the pet store and they didn't have any female parrots. The only female bird which they had was an owl. She bought it and took it home and put it in the cage with her parrot. Now when she brings a guy home the parrot still says "Oh, someone is getting laid tonight!" and the owl says "Who?, Who?" and the parrot says "Not you, ya bugged-eyed bitch."

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Disappoiting Frog!

A woman storms into a pet shop demanding her money back from the owner.

"You sold me this frog and told me it would be able to satisfy all my sexual desires!"

The clerk tries to calm her down and asks, "Did you do what I told you to do?"

"Yes, dammit! I got naked, lay back on my bed, and put him between my legs just like you said, and he did nothing!" she shouts.

The owner, looking confused, replies, "It's a perfectly trained frog. I can't understand what's wrong."

He takes the woman and the frog to a back room in the shop, where he places the frog on a small table next to a bed and asks the woman to please lie down and remove her panties.

"What?" she shouts.

Turning to the frog, he says, "Now watch carefully, because this is the last time I'm showing you this!"

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Divorce versus Murder

A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the Pharmacy, walked up to the
Pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, "I'd like to buy some cyanide."
The Pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"
The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband."
The Pharmacist's eyes grew big and he explained, "Lord have mercy! I can't give
you cyanide to kill your husband, that's against the law! I'll lose my license! They'll
throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen.

Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!"
The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with
the Pharmacist's wife.
The Pharmacist looked at the picture and said, "You didn't tell me you had a prescription."

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It's a convict's first day in prison

he's a young convict and here's there crying. An older convict sits down and goes, 'Look, calm down, prison's not such a bad place. Like, for instance, do you like movies?' And he goes, 'Yeah I like movies.' He goes, 'Every Monday we show a movie on the screen, first run movie.' He goes, 'That's great.' He goes, 'And you like baseball?' He goes, 'Yeah.' 'Every Tuesday we arrange a baseball game.' He goes, 'That's terrific.' And he goes, 'You like Italian food?' And he goes, 'Yeah I love Italian food.' He goes, 'In the cafeteria on Wednesday, it's all Italian food. Let me ask you one more thing. Are you a homosexual?' And he goes, 'No.' He goes, 'Eh, you're not going to like Thursday.'

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A Plane is Crashing over the Atlantic

A plane is halfway between New York and London when the pilot announces to the passengers that two engines have failed, and that they will be making an emergency landing in about 30 minutes. Most of the passengers are relatively calm, except for a woman in the back of the plane, who is in absolute hysterics. She is screaming and crying, until she stands up and shouts, "Please! Before I die, I want someone in here to make me feel like a real WOMAN!" A tall, handsome man with a sophisticated English accent stands up and slowly walks to the back of the plane. He sensually removes his shirt, approaches the woman and says, "Here. Iron this."

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The kid's adultery fantasy

One day a teacher was talking about marriage in class...

Teacher : What kind of wife would you like Johnny?

Johnny : I would want a wife like the moon...

Teacher : Wow !! what a choice...do you want her to be cool & calm like the moon?

Johnny : No, no...

Teacher: oh so u want her to be round and white?

Johny: No, no...

Teacher: Oh, so u want her to be fair and beautiful like d moon?

Johny: No, no...I want her to arrive at night and disappear in the morning...only pleasure no pains!!

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Watching porn...

Father: "Where have you been kid?"
Kid: "I have been with the new neighbor, in his house, watching porn!"
His father gets very angry, but his son is trying to calm him down:
"Nothing to get angry 'bout dad; it was only child porn?!"

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a woman walks into a shoe store

she goes to a clerk and says "i want that pair, and that pair, and that pair." and the clerk says "whoa, mam, calm down. I'll go to the back, i'll get you a few pairs, and you can try them on."

The woman agrees and the clerk goes to the back to get her some shoes. He returns to the front, and tells the woman to lift her leg up so he can put the shoe on.

The woman is wearing a skirt, so when she lifts her leg the clerk gets a peek up her skirt. He notices the woman isn't wearing any panties. When she lifts her other leg, he gets another peek, but the woman notices this time.

"what're you looking at?" she asks.
"well to be honest mam, i was looking at your pussy. I would like too fill it up with ice cream, and eat it all out."

The woman is incredibly offended, and rushes home to tell her husband what happened. The husband responds
"there are 3 reasons why i'm not going to go kick that guys ass.
1: you have enough shoes, stop buying so many.
2: You shouldn't be walking around without wearing any panties.
3: I couldn't beat up a guy who can eat that much ice cream."

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I'm not sure if my student hasn't quite mastered the art of joke telling or if she's just a brilliant genius...

Tutoring a 7 year old, she begins to tell me jokes.

Q: What do you do if a clown is nuts?
A: Give him nuts!

I stare blankly at her....

She clarifies: to calm him down of course!

Q: Where does a cop put his cup?
A: In a cup holder!

Q: How many sea horses does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: ALL THE SEA HORSES IN THE WORLD!!!!!!

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An emergency phone call

Two hunters were out in the woods, when suddenly a snake attacked them. Seeing his bitten friend convulsing, the other hunter contacted 911.

Hunter: Help! My friend was bitten by a snake and he is violently convulsing!

Operator: Please keep calm, sir. Is he still breathing?

Hunter: No. I don't think he is. I don't feel a pulse. I think he's dead!

Operator: Please make sure that he IS dead sir.

There was a long silence on the operator's line, followed by a gunshot.

Hunter: Okay, now what?

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Two men are hiking...

Two men are hiking in a forest when suddenly, the other man falls down. "Oh my God!", his friend exclaims. He quickly dials 911. He gets connected to an operater. "This is 911, what is your emergency?" "Me and my buddy were hiking and he suddenly fell down! His eyes are glazed and he isn't moving!" "Calm down, sir. Everything will be okay. Now, can you make sure he is dead?"


There is a brief silence on the line, then a gunshot is heard in the background. "Okay, now what?"

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I need some Cyanide

A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the
pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said,
"I'd like to buy some cyanide."
             
The pharmacist asked,
"Why in the world do you need cyanide?"
 
The lady replied,
"I need it to poison my husband."

The pharmacist's eyes got big and he explained,
"Lord have mercy!  I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband, that's against the law? I'll lose my license!
They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen.
Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!"

 
The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed
with the pharmacist's wife.
The pharmacist looked at the picture and said,
"You didn't tell me you had a prescription."
 

👍🏼

Woman in pharmacist

A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist, looked him straight into his eyes, and said, "I would like to buy some cyanide."

The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"

The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband."

The pharmacist's eyes got big and he explained, "Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband, that's against the law? I'll lose my licence! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!"

The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband on a bed with the pharmacist's wife, he had his cock deep down her throat.

The pharmacist looked at the picture nodded and replied, "You didn't tell me you had a prescription."

👍🏼

If Only You Had Looked

Two men waiting at the Pearly Gates strike up a conversation.

"How'd you die?" the first man asks the second.

"I froze to death," says the second.

"That's awful," says the first man. "How does it feel to freeze to death?"

"It's very uncomfortable at first," says the second man. "You get the shakes, and you get pains in all your fingers and toes. But eventually, it's a very calm way to go. You get numb and you kind of drift off, as if you're sleeping. How about you, how did you die?"

"I had a heart attack," says the first man. "You see, I knew my wife was cheating on me, so one day I showed up at home unexpectedly. I ran up to the bedroom, and found her alone, knitting. I rushed down to the basement, but no one was hiding there. I ran up to the second floor, but found no one there either. I went as fast as I could to the attic, and just as I got there, I had a massive heart attack and died."

The second man shakes his head. "That's so ironic," he says.

"What do you mean?" asks the first man.

"If you had only stopped to look in the freezer, we'd both be still alive."

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A blond is at home

And realizes her house is on fire. She runs outside and calls the fire department on her cell phone. When they answer she cries to them in a hysterical voice that her house is on fire. The lady on the other end says "Mam, can you please stay calm and tell us how to get to your house?"

"Well duh!! Use your big red truck!!!"

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A blonde calls Customer Service sounding very angry...(OC)

She says "I Downloaded an App on my phone and now it gave me a Virus!!"

The Customer Service rep tries to calm her down.

"Calm down. What does this Virus do?"

"It won't let me go back to my home screen!"

"Alright, do you know what app you downloaded?" Asked the Customer Service rep.

"Toddler Lock!" Answered the blonde.

-

By the way, for iPhone users (And some Android..)

Toddler Lock is an app that lets you color and make shapes. It won't let you get back to the homepage or pull down the notifications until you tap the corners counter-clockwise. It's usually meant for toddlers.

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Two men meet in heaven...

Two men waiting at the Pearly Gates strike up a conversation. "How'd you die?" the first man asks the second.

"I froze to death," says the second.

"That's awful," says the first man. "How does it feel to freeze to death?"

"It's very uncomfortable at first", says the second man. "You get the shakes, and you get pains in all your fingers and toes. But eventually, it's a very calm way to go. You get numb and you kind of drift off, as if you're sleeping. How about you, how did you die?"

"I had a heart attack," says the first man. "You see, I knew my wife was cheating on me, so one day I showed up at home unexpectedly. I ran up to the bedroom, and found her alone, knitting. I ran down to the basement, but no one was hiding there, either. I ran up to the second floor, but no one was hiding there either. I ran as fast as I could to the attic, and just as I got there, I had a massive heart attack and died."

The second man shakes his head. "That's so ironic," he says.

"What do you mean?" asks the first man.

"If you had only stopped to look in the freezer, we'd both still be alive."

👍🏼

CONCLUSION

You've red some of the best calm jokes of all time. We hope you had fun with this collection of 50 puns about calm. Most of the stories are suitable for kids with good sense of humor, children or teens boys and girls, of course dads. You must supervise your chidlren not to read pranks for adults. Note that some jokes are disgusting, filled with black humor so don't tell dirty calm gags to your kids. So please respect and be a good joking daddy !

How do I make my girlfriend or boyfriend laugh? How do you make someone laugh? Well, this list of funny stories will make you cry in laughter just like dad jokes. Some of these calm jokes are funny and some are hilarious. With this collection it's easy to be a joker. Have fun and dig deeper into our archive.

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