calm Jokes

funny jokes and hilarious calm puns

In an African tribe village, the chieftain's wife gave birth to a white skinned child.

The chieftain quickly figured the voluntary doctor from Europe might be to blame. So the chieftain asked him to talk in his tent.

Chieftain: "Today my wife gave birth to a white child. She and I are dark skinned. You are white. It doesn't take a doctor to figure out that you have slept with my wife!"

The doctor remains calm: "The answer lies in the genetics. Some genetics have recessive traits, which are not apparent to the parents but may be passed on to the child. For example, last week one of your sheep gave birth to a black sheep."

The chieftain pauses for a thinking, then replies: "I tell you what. You say no word about black sheep and I say no word about white child."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A pregnant woman is hit by a car....

She is sent into a coma for 1 year. She wakes up, no longer pregnant, screaming," Doctor! Doctor! Where is my baby?!"

The doctor replies, "Calm down, your babies are fine. You had twins! a girl and a boy. We gave them to your brother to watch while you were in the hospital."

She says,"My brother? That guy is a moron! Why would you do that?"

"I am sorry ma'am, we had no choice. There was nobody else. He even took the liberty of naming them."

"What??", she says. "What did he name my daughter?"

"He named her 'Denise' " says the doctor.

"Oh, well that's not so bad. What did he name my son?"

To which the doctor replies, "He named him 'Denephew' "

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A Briton, a Frenchman, and a Russian are standing and staring at a portrait of Adam and Eve...

"Look at their calm, their reserve" says the Briton. "Surely they must be British!"

"Nonsense!" Replies the Frenchman. "They are beautiful. Surely they must be French!"

The Russian finally speaks, "they have no clothes, no shelter, only an apple to eat, and are being told this is paradise. They are Russian."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A man cheats with his wife's sister

Man: Calm down! You haven't heard my side of the story!

Wife: You slept with my sister!

Man: When i got to work she was just laying there naked on my table! What was I supposed to do?!

Wife: The autopsy!

PS: Didnt make this up

πŸ‘πŸΌ

This girl said she would go out with me if I knew a six letter word that's a synonym for "calm".

I said, "It's sedate."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Everyone should calm down about that Net Neutrality thing...

You guys seem so Ajitated.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A cowboy rides in to town

A cowboy rides in to town on his horse and ropes it in front of a canteen. After a few hours of drinking he walks out and finds that his horse is missing. The cowboy turns around and bursts in to the canteen. Seeing the cowboy pissed as Hell the place goes quiet. The cowboy looks around and with a deadly calm says, "I'm going to count to three. If I get to three, I'm going to do what I did in the Winter of 76'." The whole bar freezes in terror at the cowboy.

"**ONE**"

No one moves a muscle.

"**TWO**"""

Everyone's extremely nervous at this point.

"**READY OR NOT.... THR--**"

All of a sudden someone in the back stands up and says, "Hold on buddy! It was just a joke! your horse is in the back alley!" The cowboy smiles and starts to leave the canteen. The same guy who stood up calls out, "Hey! I just gotta know, what happened in the Winter of '76???" The cowboy turns around and says to him, "I had to walk home."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Three dogs are at the vet

The first, a Jack Russell Terrier, says, "I kept humping everything in sight. The neighbor's cat, my master's leg, the couch, you name it. Plus, I peed in the corners and chewed the mail every time it got delivered. So they're going to neuter me to see if it will calm me down."

The second, a mutt, says, "That's kind of why I'm here, too. Six litters of puppies up and down the street that all look like me. My owners are tired of the angry calls. So my junk gets snipped too."

The third dog is a Great Dane. "My master is a pretty young thing. Yesterday after her shower, she bent over to dry her legs and I just couldn't help myself. Mounted up that fine ass and went to town."

The other two stare at him in disbelief. "They're going to cut off your balls for *that*?"

"What? No, I'm here to get my nails trimmed."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A Native American walks into an Old West saloon followed shortly by a bear

The patrons freeze in fear, and the saloonkeeper points to the Native American man and whispers "There's a bear right behind you!"

The Native American man holds up a calm hand and says, "I can explain. Bear with me."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Surgeon: "Stay calm John, it's just a little cut with a scalpel, no need to be nervous."

Patient: "Thanks Doc, but I'm not John"

Surgeon: "I know, I am"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

I'm trying to write a joke about overdosing on cocaine

But I need a line to end it.
-Matt Melvin
-
-

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Funniest joke of all time...according to Wikipedia...thought I share.

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps, "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says "Calm down. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a gun shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says "OK, now what?"[

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Why are Astronauts always so calm?

There's no pressure in space.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

I need some Cyanide

A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the
pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said,
"I'd like to buy some cyanide."
Β Β Β Β Β Β Β Β Β Β Β Β Β 
The pharmacist asked,
"Why in the world do you need cyanide?"
Β 
The lady replied,
"I need it to poison my husband."

The pharmacist's eyes got big and he explained,
"Lord have mercy!Β  I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband, that's against the law? I'll lose my license!
They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen.
Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!"

Β 
The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed
with the pharmacist's wife.
The pharmacist looked at the picture and said,
"You didn't tell me you had a prescription."
Β 

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A pregnant woman is hit by a private car....!

She is sent into a coma for 2 years. She wakes up, no longer pregnant, screaming," Doctor! Doctor! Doctor! Where is my baby?!"

The doctor replies, "Calm down, Calm down, your babies are fine. You had twins! a girl and a boy. We gave them to your brother to watch while you were in the hospital."

She says,"My brother? That guy is a moron! Why would you do that?"

"I am sorry ma'am, we had no choice. There was nobody else. He even took the liberty of naming them."

"What??", she says. "What did he name my daughter?"

"He named her 'Denise' " says the doctor.

"Oh, well that's not so bad. What did he name my son?"

To which the doctor replies, "He named him 'Denephew' "

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Trust is everything

Some teachers from an engineering school were invited to a trip.
After they were all comfortably seated, they were informed that the plane was built by their students.
They got up and ran desperately to the outside of the plane, almost panicking.
Only one teacher remained calm and seated at his spot. When the other teachers asked why he was so calm he said: "I know the capacity of my students, if they built it, I'm sure this bloody thing won't even start"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

I Think My Wife Is Poisoning Me.

This man goes to see his rabbi. He says to his rabbi, Rabbi, I think my wife is poisoning me. I know she's poisoning me.

The rabbi says, Calm down, calm down.

He says, No, no, I know! But I don't know what to do. I need your advice.

The rabbi says, Well, give me a chance to talk to her, and then I'll get back to you.

About three days later, the rabbi calls the guy, and he says, I had a long talk with your wife. I talked to her for about three hours.

He says, Yes, yes, so what's your advice?

Take the poison.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A group of engineering professors board a plane to a conference...

After they are all seated in their row, the flight attendants announce that their students were the ones that built the plane they were sitting in. The professors jump out of their seats and run to the door in a panic. When they notice one professor stayed seated, they ask him "why are you so calm right now?" The engineer answers "If I know my students well, and they really did build this plane, then I can say with 100% certainty that this shit will never even turn on."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

An American, a Briton, and a North Korean look at a picture of Adam and Eve

An American, a Briton, and a North Korean look at a picture of Adam and Eve in the garden of Eden and try to figure out what nationality they are.

The American says, "Look at how free and independent they are, they must be Americans."

The Briton says, "What are you talking about, look at how calm and reserved they are, the are obviously British."

The North Korean says, "You two are both missing the point. They have no clothes, no shelter, they only have and apple to eat between them and yet they are being told that they live in paradise. They're clearly North Korean."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A faculty of engineering professors are invited to board a plane

After everyone had been seated, they were all informed that the plane had been designed and built by their own students. Upon learning this information, the professors got up and began running desperately to get out of the plane, almost in panic. Only one professor stayed serene in his place. When asked why he remained so calm, the professor replied: "I know the capacity of my students, if it really was them that built this plane, then I have full confidence that this piece of shit isn't even going to turn on."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

The kid runs up to a policeman

"Officer!" yells the kid, "My father is in a fight with another man!"
The officer says "Calm down kid, where is he?"
"He's right around the corner!" exclaims the kid.
The cop follows him around the corner, and sure enough, there's two men going at it as hard as they can.
"Which one is your father?" asks the cop
"I don't know!" cries the kid. "That's what they're fighting about!"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A man calls the hotel front desk

"Hello how I may I be of assistance sir?"

"I NEED YOU TO SEND SOMEONE TO MY ROOM RIGHT AWAY."

"Calm down Sir, what seems to be the problem?"

"My wife is trying to jump out of the window..."

"Oh that sounds like a personal matter, I'm afraid we cannot involve ourselves."

"Listen here you smartass, the window isn't opening up and that's a maintenance matter!"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

What does a porn star do to stay calm on set?

Pictures everyone in their underwear.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Two men are out hunting when one of them suddenly drops dead

Two men are out hunting when one of them suddenly drops dead. He calls 911 immediately. The operator says "Can I help you sir?"

The man replies "I think my friend is dead! Get an ambulance! What should I do?"

The operator replies "Okay, calm down sir. First we have to make sure he is dead."

There is silence, then a gun shot, then the man comes back on "Okay, what now?"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

In the Pharmacy

A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, β€žI would like to buy some cyanide."
The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"
The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband."
The pharmacist's eyes got big and he exclaimed, "Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband.
That's against the law! I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail!
All kinds of bad things will happen.Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!"
The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.
The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well now, that's different. You didn't tell me you had a prescription."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Why are doctors always calm?

They have a lot of patients.
Sorry.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Two hunters are out in the woods when one collapses...

He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed.
The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services.
He gasps, "I think my friend is dead! What can I do?"
The operator says "Calm down. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead."
There is a silence, then a gun shot is heard.
Back on the phone, the guy says "OK, now what?"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Two monkeys entered a bath.

Monkey 1: Oooh oooh oooh aaah aaah aaah
Monkey 2: Calm down, it isn't that hot

πŸ‘πŸΌ

"911, what's your emergency?"

*"Me and my friend were out hunting and... I accidentally shot him and now he's dead!"*
"Alright, sir, calm down. Now, we need to be sure he's actually dead before we do anything else."
**BANG**
*"Okay, what next?"*

πŸ‘πŸΌ

a woman walks into a shoe store

she goes to a clerk and says "i want that pair, and that pair, and that pair." and the clerk says "whoa, mam, calm down. I'll go to the back, i'll get you a few pairs, and you can try them on."

The woman agrees and the clerk goes to the back to get her some shoes. He returns to the front, and tells the woman to lift her leg up so he can put the shoe on.

The woman is wearing a skirt, so when she lifts her leg the clerk gets a peek up her skirt. He notices the woman isn't wearing any panties. When she lifts her other leg, he gets another peek, but the woman notices this time.

"what're you looking at?" she asks.
"well to be honest mam, i was looking at your pussy. I would like too fill it up with ice cream, and eat it all out."

The woman is incredibly offended, and rushes home to tell her husband what happened. The husband responds
"there are 3 reasons why i'm not going to go kick that guys ass.
1: you have enough shoes, stop buying so many.
2: You shouldn't be walking around without wearing any panties.
3: I couldn't beat up a guy who can eat that much ice cream."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Two blind pilots are on a plane

They have sunglasses and white sticks. As the plane starts to move, the passengers are uncomfortable. The plane gains speed, but it stays on the ground. The remaining runway gets smaller and smaller, and the plane is rushing towards a fence.

The passengers start shrieking and suddenly the plane lifts, avoiding the fence at the last second. All the passengers calm down, thinking it was a bad joke.

In the pilot cabin, the co-pilot turns to the pilot and says : "You know what? One day they're going to scream too late, and we're all going to die"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A woman goes into a shoe store...

she goes to a clerk and says "i want that pair, and that pair, and that pair." and the clerk says "whoa, mam, calm down. I'll go to the back, i'll get you a few pairs, and you can try them on."The woman agrees and the clerk goes to the back to get her some shoes. He returns to the front, and tells the woman to lift her leg up so he can put the shoe on.The woman is wearing a skirt, so when she lifts her leg the clerk gets a peek up her skirt. He notices the woman isn't wearing any panties. When she lifts her other leg, he gets another peek, but the woman notices this time."what're you looking at?" she asks. "well to be honest mam, i was looking at your pussy. I would like too fill it up with ice cream, and eat it all out."The woman is incredibly offended, and rushes home to tell her husband what happened. The husband responds "there are 3 reasons why i'm not going to go kick that guys ass. 1: you have enough shoes, stop buying so many. 2: You shouldn't be walking around without wearing any panties. 3: I couldn't beat up a guy who can eat that much ice cream."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

The girl I like said she'd go out with me if I knew a six letter word that's a synonym for calm ...

I said, It's sedate.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Sometimes, when you cry, nobody see your tears,

Sometimes, when you smile,nobody notices your joy
Sometimes, when you are scared, there's nobody to calm you.


But try to have a wank in the Tesco car park, and everyone will notice.

P.S. Can someone pick me up from the police station.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Even now, all this time later, we have to remain calm about the Net Neutrality thing...

Paying additional money to access certain sites will give you a sense of pride and accomplishment.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

The Hypnotist at the senior's center

One day the local senior's center brought in a hypnotist to entertain the elderly. He pulled out an old family heirloom pocket watch and waved it back and forth, slowly, repeating 'watch the watch' in a calm, soothing voice.
Back and forth it went, 'watch the watch, watch the watch' until the whole room was entranced.
Suddenly, the watch's chain slipped out of the hypnotist's hand and the watch fell to the ground and smashed into a thousand pieces.

"Shit!" Said the hypnotist.

It took 3 days to clean up the senior's center.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Against the Law.

A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes,



and said, "I would like to buy some cyanide."



The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"



The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband."



The pharmacist's eyes got big and he explained, "Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband, That's against the law! I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!"




The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.




The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "You didn't tell me you had a prescription."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Two hunters are in the woods, suddenly one of them drops to the ground.

The other one quickly decides to phone the emergency services.

"911, what is your emergency?"

"Help me! I'm in the forest and my friend just died!"

"Calm down sir, first, can you make sure he's dead?"





**Bang**



"Okay, what do I do now?"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

How do you calm down an astronaut?

Give him some space

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Divorce versus Murder

A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the Pharmacy, walked up to the
Pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, "I'd like to buy some cyanide."
The Pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"
The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband."
The Pharmacist's eyes grew big and he explained, "Lord have mercy! I can't give
you cyanide to kill your husband, that's against the law! I'll lose my license! They'll
throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen.

Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!"
The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with
the Pharmacist's wife.
The Pharmacist looked at the picture and said, "You didn't tell me you had a prescription."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

If Only You Had Looked

Two men waiting at the Pearly Gates strike up a conversation.

"How'd you die?" the first man asks the second.

"I froze to death," says the second.

"That's awful," says the first man. "How does it feel to freeze to death?"

"It's very uncomfortable at first," says the second man. "You get the shakes, and you get pains in all your fingers and toes. But eventually, it's a very calm way to go. You get numb and you kind of drift off, as if you're sleeping. How about you, how did you die?"

"I had a heart attack," says the first man. "You see, I knew my wife was cheating on me, so one day I showed up at home unexpectedly. I ran up to the bedroom, and found her alone, knitting. I rushed down to the basement, but no one was hiding there. I ran up to the second floor, but found no one there either. I went as fast as I could to the attic, and just as I got there, I had a massive heart attack and died."

The second man shakes his head. "That's so ironic," he says.

"What do you mean?" asks the first man.

"If you had only stopped to look in the freezer, we'd both be still alive."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Asking for CYANIDE in the Pharmacy....

A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, β€žI would like to buy some cyanide." The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?" The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband." The pharmacist's eyes got big and he exclaimed, "Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband. That's against the law! I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen.Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!" The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife. The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well now, that's different. You didn't tell me you had a prescription."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Marriage

Husband asking the wife:
-Darling, do you want to come with me to the gym?
*-Are you saying I'm fat??*
-No, I was just thinking that we should maybe...
*-Are you saying I'm lazy??*
-No, no! Calm down, I didn't say that..
*-Why, you think I'm hysterical??*
-No, I wasn't saying that..
*-So you are calling me a liar now??*
-God no! You know what, I go alone then.
*-Wait a minute! Why do you want to go alone!?*

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Doctor's orders for more peace in your life

A doctor on TV said that in order to have inner peace in our lives after this election, we should always finish things we start. Since we all could use more calm in our lives, I looked around my house to find things I'd started and hadn't finished.

I finished a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of Chardonnay, a bodle of Baileys, a butle of wum, tha mainder of Valiuminun scriptins, an a box a choclutz. Yu has no idr how fablus I feel rite now.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

How do you calm down a grammar Nazi?

There they're their...

πŸ‘πŸΌ

What did a physics teacher say to calm down a student who wanted to jump off the roof?

Don't do that, you have so much potential!

πŸ‘πŸΌ

I murdered the pizza delivery man for messing up my order and had to cover it up.

I ordered another pizza to calm my nerves and the second delivery man noticed the body, so I had to kill him too. Now I feel even more nervous so I ordered yet another pizza. I think it's starting to become a domino effect.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Three men and a parachute

So, a norwegian, a danish and a swedish person are on a private flight. Suddenly, the pilot turns on the speaker and says:
"The plane is malfunctioning and is going to crash. There's three parachutes, and I'm going to take one. You're going to have to figure out who doesn't get one".
He then proceeds to jump out of the plane.

The three men panic, but the norwegian tells the others to calm down and then says to the swedish person: "Here. You take one, we'll figure out who gets the last one." And the swedish jumps.

The norwegian then turns to the danish person and says: "Let's grab the chutes and get out of this thing."

The danish says, very confused:" But you just gave the second to last parachute to that swedish guy? There's only one left now."

To which the norwegian replies: "Relax man, I gave him my backpack."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Pilot Choice

As the crowded airliner is about to take off, the peace is shattered by a five-year-old boy who picks that moment to throw a wild temper tantrum. No matter what his frustrated, embarrassed mother does to try to calm him down, the boy continues to scream furiously and kick the seats around him. Suddenly, from the rear of the plane, an elderly man in the uniform of an Air Force General is seen slowly walking forward up the aisle. Stopping the flustered mother with an upraised hand, the white-haired, courtly, soft-spoken General leans down and, motioning toward his chest, whispers something into the boy's ear.

Instantly, the boy calms down, gently takes his mother's hand, and quietly fastens his seat belt.

All the other passengers burst into spontaneous applause. As the General slowly makes his way back to his seat, one of the cabin attendants touches his sleeve.

"Excuse me, General," she asks quietly, "but could I ask you what magic words you used on that little boy?"

The old man smiles serenely and gently confides, "I showed him my pilot's wings, service stars, and battle ribbons, and explained that they entitle me to throw one passenger out the plane door, on any flight I choose."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Heard a Dr. on TV say to have inner peace we should always finish things we start

and we all could use more calm in our lives. I looked through my house to find things i'd started and hadn't finished, so I finished off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of Chardonnay, a bodle of Baileys, a butle of wum, tha mainder of Valiumun srciptuns, an a box a chocletz. Yu haf no idr how feckin fablus I feel rite now. Sned this to all who need inner piss. An telum i luvum. An hava Marry Crispmouse...

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A guy in a public place, phone out, camera on...

He approaches a young woman. "What are you doing, creep?" she says. He glances up, smiles, and says "Calm down. I'm just trying to get a Pikachu."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A guy calls the hospital.

He says, "You gotta send help! My wife's going into labor!"

The nurse says, "Calm down. Is this her first child?"

He says, "No! This is her husband!"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Twins

A pregnant woman was involved in a car accident and fell into a coma. When she awoke days later she realized she was no longer carrying a child, and asked, "Doc, what happened to my baby?!"

The doctor replied, "Calm down ma'am, you gave birth to healthy twins! You're the proud mother of a handsome baby boy and a beautiful baby girl. Also, you should know that while you were in a coma, your brother named the children for you."

"Oh, no!" shrieked the woman. "Not my brother! He's not really all together, if you know what I mean!"

The doctor replied, "Well, ma'am, your brother named your daughter Denise."

"Oh, that's no so bad," smiled the woman. Then, hesitantly, she asked, "What's the boy's name?"

The doctor grinned and said, "Denephew."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

The Garden of Eden

A Brit, a Frenchman and a Russian are viewing a painting of Adam and Eve frolicking in the Garden of Eden.

"Look at their reserve, their calm," muses the Brit. "They must be British."

"Nonsense," the Frenchman disagrees. "They're naked, and so beautiful. Clearly, they are French."

"No clothes, no shelter," the Russian points out, "they have only an apple to eat, and they're being told this is paradise. Clearly, they are Russian."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A blonde, a brunette and a redhead are in a maternity ward, waiting to give birth.

The brunette says, "I think I'm having a boy because when we conceived, my husband was on top".
The redhead smiles and says, "in that case, I'm having a girl. I'm always on top!"
At this, the blonde starts crying hysterically. The other two calm her down and ask her what's wrong.
"I'm having puppies!" she sobs

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A man had a portal to a secret world in his house

Every night he would step through the portal and leave his chatty wife, screaming kids and dirty dog behind. He would be completely alone and calm.
But then his feet would cramp up and he had to wipe his ass and get back to reality.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A Russian, a Frenchman, and an Englishman are in an art museum admiring a painting of Adam and Eve in the gardens of Eden.

The Englishman takes a look at the painting and says "They look so calm, they must be British!" The Frenchmen responds "no no! They're naked, so beautiful, they must be French!" The Russian says "They have no food, no shelter, nothing but an apple to eat, and they are being told this is paradise? ...They're clearly Russian!"

(Whole thing done in thick fake accents)

πŸ‘πŸΌ

adam and eve

Adam and Eve A Briton, a Frenchman and a Russian are viewing a painting of Adam and Eve frolicking in the Garden of Eden. "Look at their reserve, their calm," muses the Brit. "They must be British." "Nonsense," the Frenchman disagrees. "They're naked, and so beautiful. Clearly, they are French." "No way! They have no clothes and no shelter," the Russian points out, "They have only an apple to eat, and they are being told they live in a paradise. Obviously, they are Russian."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Calm down about the Net Neutrality thing...

Paying additional money to access certain sites will give you a sense of pride and accomplishment.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

How did you die?

Two men waiting at the Pearly Gates strike up a conversation. 'How'd you die?'
the first man asks the second.

'I froze to death,' says the second.

'That's awful,' says the first man. 'How does it feel to freeze to death?'
'It's very uncomfortable at first', says the second man. 'You get the shakes,
and you get pains in all your fingers and toes. But eventually, it's a very calm
way to go. You get numb and you kind of drift off, as if you're sleeping. How
about you, how did you die?' 'I had a heart attack,' says the first man.

'You
see, I knew my wife was cheating on me, so one day I showed up at home
unexpectedly. I ran up to the bedroom, and found her alone, knitting. I ran down
to the basement, but no one was hiding there, either. I ran up to the second
floor, but no one was hiding there either. I ran as fast as I could to the
attic, and just as I got there, I had a massive heart attack and died.'

The
second man shakes his head. 'That's so ironic,' he says. 'What do you mean?'
asks the first man. 'If you had only stopped to look in the freezer, we'd both
still be alive.'

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Horror at the zoo

A man is at the zoo with his family. Suddenly a flustered employee comes up and says

*Sir, sir! There's been a terrible accident!*

The man responds, *What happened?*

*Your mother-in-law fell into the alligator pool!*

The man, supremely calm, says to the worker, *Not my problem! You try to save those alligators.*

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A man is about to die

His end is near, his wife is by his bed, holding his hand. No doctor was able to find out what exactly made the man so sick.
Suddenly, the man starts to cry. He sobs:
"Darling, I have to tell you something before I die."
She holds his hand even tighter and says:
"Shh, stay calm. You don't have to do anything!"
But he insists:
"Darling, I made mistakes. I slept with your best friend."
She stays calm:
"It's ok, don't worry about that."
He continues:
"I also slept with your sister."
His wife still remains calm, again she says:
"Honey, it's ok. Don't worry about that."
He tears up once more and confesses:
"I... also slept with your mom..."
His wife smiles at him, says:
"Honey, I know all of that. Now calm down and let that poison finish its job."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Lady barges into radio shack

She grabs at the nearest employee and exclaims:


"I need a pack of double A batteries RIGHT NOW!"


The employee, flustered, replies: "All right, stay calm and just ... come this way", as he gestures her to follow him with a wave of his fingers.


She yells "If I could do that, I wouldn't need the batteries!"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A guy calls the hospital and says...

You gotta send help! My wife's going into labor!

The nurse says, Calm down. Is this her first child?

To which he replies, No! This is her fucking husband!

πŸ‘πŸΌ

An old lady gets into an accident with a midget...

...he gets out of the car, obviously furious, and stomps toward the old woman. "I am *not* happy," he growls.
The old woman, calm as can be, says:
"Well, which one are you, then?"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A man and his wife are having sex...

...when their ten year old son walks in on them. The son screams, "OH MY GOD!" and then runs out of the room. The father laughs and says to give the son a few minutes to calm down, and then he'll explain what was going on.

A few minutes later, the father walks into his sons room to find him having sex with his grandmother. The man screams, "OH MY GOD!"

"Yeah," his son says, "It's not so funny when it's your mother, is it?"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Two hunters out in the woods

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed.

The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services.

He gasps, "My friend is dead! What can I do?"

The operator says "Calm down. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead."

There is a silence, then a gun shot is heard.

Back on the phone, the guy says "OK, now what?"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Attention everyone: there is a national lettuce shortage

everyone please romaine calm

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Two hunters are strolling through the woods ...

When suddenly, one of them gasps, grabs hit chest, and collapses on the floor, eyes open and non-responsive.

In a panic, the other hunter dials 911: "I think my friend is dead! What can I do?!"

"Sir, please calm down. First of all, lets make sure he's dead"

There is a silence, and then a gunshot is heard

"Okay, so now what?"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

An Emergency Call Centre operator has been fired...

An Emergency Call Centre operator has been fired in Bradford



It seems that a caller dialed 999 from a mobile phone stating, "I am depressed and lying on a railway line so that when the train comes I can finally meet my maker."



To which the call centre employee replied, "Remain calm and stay on the line."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Two hunters

Two hunters were out walking in the woods when suddenly one of them collapses and falls to the ground. The other hunter calls 911 and says "Help! My friend collapsed and died! What can I do?". The 911-operator replies "Calm down, I can help you. First, let's make sure he's really dead". There's a silence and then a gunshot. The hunter gets back on the phone and says "Ok, now what?"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

911?

Husband: "Hello, Yes, there's this Hindu fellow who's been following my wife around for the past few hours, and it's starting to really creep us out. He just now got down on his knees and he's... praying, or something."

911 Operator: "Sir, calm down, there's no issue here- Hindus are well known to worship cows."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Did you pay the VISA bill?

A man and a woman end up on a deserted island. He is desperate and cries:" oh, honey we're gonna die so young. Nobody will ever find us here!!!" She is very calm and relaxed. "Don't panic , dear, we'll be OK in few hours, I forgot to pay our VISA bill, the'll find us, don't worry"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Telling a girl to calm down:

works about as well as trying to baptize a cat.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

The Prescription

A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, "I would like to buy some cyanide." The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?" The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband." The pharmacist's eye got big and he exclaimed, "Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband. That's against the law! I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!" The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife. The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well now, that's different. You didn't tell me you had a prescription."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Mother superior is doing the orientation ...

of the new nun. The neighbourhood is rough and so she thought she would put some hypotheticals. "What would you do if you were walking alone at night and got cornered by a man on who demanded to have sex with you?"

"Well, I would ask him to drop his pants." replied the new nun coolly

Flabbergasted the Mother pressed "And what then?"

"Well, then I would hike up my habit above my knees." replied the nun, still calm.

Aghast at this the Mother could not but ask "And what then?"

"Well, I would start running. I can run a lot faster with my habit hiked up than the man whose trousers are at his ankles."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

How do you catch a unique rabbit?

Unique up on it.

How do you catch a tame rabbit?
Tame way! Unique up on it!

How do you catch a calm rabbit?
Calm on, tame way! Unique up on it!

πŸ‘πŸΌ

My wife has this mood ring...

It turns green when she's happy, blue when she's calm, and when she's angry it leaves a big red mark right on my forehead.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Drunked in a pub

In a pub will one man start to scream on other man : "hey dude i fucked your Mother"
Whole pub get silent and waits for reaction of the other man, but he is silent
Man screams again : "Hey! I fucked your Mother"
The other man is still silent...
The man screams again even more loud: " Do you hear me you idiot? I fucked your Mother"
The second man finally answer with calm voice
"Please dad, go home, you are too drunk"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Was playing with my balls and then I found my first gray pubic hair, but I kept calm!

Unlike the rest in the elevator..

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Ok, ok, calm down, I'll call a plumber...

An old Jewish couple, Motti and Sara are going to bed. They get undressed and turn off the lights when Sara quickly pops to the bathroom. Suddenly, ten seconds later Motti hears Sara screaming, he jumps out of bed and rushes to the bathroom only to find a distressed Sara stuck arse-first in the toilet.

"Motti, I slipped and fell in and now the suction means I can't get out!"

After some pulling and shoving Motti gives in says he will have to call a plumber, which he promptly does.

"Honey, you can relax, the plumber will be here in a half hour."

"But Motti, look at me, I'm butt-naked, I can't have him see me like this!"

Quick thinking, Motti takes off his yarmulke (kippa, skullcap, whatever) and carefully places it over Sara's crotch, thus protecting her dignity. With excitingly accurate timing, the plumber does indeed arrive thirty minutes later, Motti takes him upstairs and shows him his wife's predicament, the plumber says he will need a few minutes to assess the situation during which time Motti should go make him a coffee. Motti returns:

"Well? Whaddya reckon, can you get her out?"

"Yeah I can free your wife. But the Rabbi: he's a goner."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

John and Mary were having dinner in a very fine restaurant...

Their waitress, taking another order at a table a few paces away noticed that John was ever so slowly, silently sliding down his chair and under the table, while Mary acted quite unconcerned.

Their waitress watched as John slid all the way down his chair and out of sight under the table. Still, Mary appeared calm and unruffled, apparently unaware that John had disappeared under the table.

After the waitress finished taking the order, she came over to the table and said to Mary, "Pardon me, ma'am, but I think your husband just slid under the table."

Mary calmly looked up at her and replied firmly, "Oh, no. He did not. In fact, he just walked in the front door."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A Plane is Crashing over the Atlantic

A plane is halfway between New York and London when the pilot announces to the passengers that two engines have failed, and that they will be making an emergency landing in about 30 minutes. Most of the passengers are relatively calm, except for a woman in the back of the plane, who is in absolute hysterics. She is screaming and crying, until she stands up and shouts, "Please! Before I die, I want someone in here to make me feel like a real WOMAN!" A tall, handsome man with a sophisticated English accent stands up and slowly walks to the back of the plane. He sensually removes his shirt, approaches the woman and says, "Here. Iron this."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Two Men Go Hunting

A couple of Oklahoma hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls 911. He gasps to the operator, "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator, in a calm soothing voice says, "Just take it easy. I can help. First, lets make sure he's dead."

... There is a silence, then a shot is heard. The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says, "OK, now what?"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Old Lady Laughing at The Dentist.

An old lady went in for her dental appointment and was real nervous so the dentist tries to calm her down with an interesting fact.
Dentist:"Did you know the way they used to make latex gloves is they had the factory workers stick their hands in Vats of Latex?"

The old lady nods in amusement and minutes later starts giggling.

Dentist: "What is so funny?"

Old Lady:" I was just thinking about how they used to make condoms."

(Unoriginal Joke heard on the streets).

πŸ‘πŸΌ

As a plane flies over the Atlantic an engine bursts...

The pilot gets on the intercom and says "Attention Passengers, please stay calm. We appear to be having minor engine problems, and in order to assure a safe, non-water landing, we have to ditch all non necessary weight"

So all the plane's drink carts and excess cargo and such is dumped, and the pilot returns to studying his gauges. After about a half hour, he realizes that the plane will not make a safe landing without losing more weight, so he turns on the intercom once more. "Attention passengers and crew. Unfortunately the engine trouble is more severe than previously anticipated, and we must lose more weight. So I regret to inform you that we will now be kicking off passengers until the plane's safety is assured. Now to make sure that this is fair, I have decided the people to leave will be alphabetical, ABC"s. So first will be the African-Americans, then the Blacks, followed by the colored..."

As the announcement ended, a small black child looked up at his father and asked "Daddy, does that mean us?" And the father looked down at his child, smiled, and replied "Son, today we niggas!"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Jesus and the Devil have a competition

After countless years of Jesus being in the spotlight, the Devil had had enough. He issued a challenge to Jesus; whoever writes the longest story on Microsoft Word wins. Jesus accepts, and they get to it. After hours and hours of frantic typing, there is suddenly a power cut. The Devil is furious, whilst Jesus remains calm. As soon as the power comes back, he boots up his computer and has lost all his work, before seeing Jesus calmly typing from where he left off. Lucifer is not happy at all, calling Jesus a cheat, before God intervenes, proclaiming Jesus the winner. The moral of the story? *Jesus saves*

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Bill is taking a skydiving class...

and he is really nervous about it. At his first jump, his instructor (Ed) is trying to calm him down.
"It's really simple Bill. You jump out, count to ten, and pull the cord."
Bill, sweating bullets responds "what if that doesn't open?"
Ed smiles and says "that is why you have a reserve chute. Just pull it's cord."
That seemed to work, so Bill stands and goes to the door of the plane. Right before he jumps, he freezes and turns his head, and says "but what if the reserve doesn't open!?!"
Ed sighs, and says "haven't had a complaint yet!" And pushes him out the door.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A guy calls 911

"Send an ambulance! My wife's having a baby!"

"Just calm down down", says the operator, "Is this her first baby?"

"No it's her husband you idiot!"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A man sees a limbless woman on the beach crying...

A man sees a woman without arms or legs crying on a beach. He runs up to her and asks "What's wrong?"

"I've never been hugged before..." she says sobbing.

The man hugs her and she seems to calm down a little, but continues crying.

"Why are you still sad?" says the man.

"I've never been kissed before..." she says, still crying.

The man kisses her and she seems happier for a moment, but again continues crying.

"Why are you crying again?" says the man, asking for the third time.

"I've never been fucked before..." says the woman, crying less now.

The man picks the woman up and launches her into the sea saying

"you're fucked now"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Turning into stone

There were two boys taking a walk through the woods. They eventually cam upon a nice calm river. While they are enjoying the view they notice a woman standing in the nude, bathing. Immediately after seeing her one of the boys runs back through the woods. The other boy chased him and when he catches up he asks,"Why did you run away from the river?" The boy replies,"My mom said that if I stare at naked women I will turn into stone and I felt something getting hard!"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

It's a convict's first day in prison

he's a young convict and here's there crying. An older convict sits down and goes, 'Look, calm down, prison's not such a bad place. Like, for instance, do you like movies?' And he goes, 'Yeah I like movies.' He goes, 'Every Monday we show a movie on the screen, first run movie.' He goes, 'That's great.' He goes, 'And you like baseball?' He goes, 'Yeah.' 'Every Tuesday we arrange a baseball game.' He goes, 'That's terrific.' And he goes, 'You like Italian food?' And he goes, 'Yeah I love Italian food.' He goes, 'In the cafeteria on Wednesday, it's all Italian food. Let me ask you one more thing. Are you a homosexual?' And he goes, 'No.' He goes, 'Eh, you're not going to like Thursday.'

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Two men are hunting in the woods...

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls 911. He gasps, "My friend is dead! What can I do?"

The operator says, "Calm down. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead."

There is a silence; then a gun shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says, "OK, now what?

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Knowing the difference...

An old couple, let's call them Joe and Mary, married for about 25 years, were sitting in their living room at the table eating a nice lunch. Everything is nice and calm.

Then suddenly, Mary stands up and smacks Joe across the face. Mary then sits as if nothing happened. Joe is stunned and responds, "Jesus Mary! What was that for?"

"That's for 25 years of bad sex!!" Mary responds. They know the neighborhood could probably hear them, so they return to their lunch. After some quite, Joe stands up and slaps Mary across her face and sits back down.

Mary, stunned, demands, "Jesus Joseph, What was that for?"

Joe responds, "That's for knowing the difference!"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Adam is in the Garden of Eden...

Adam is in the Garden of Eden when he finds himself quite lonely.

He calls upon God, and asks him "Lord almighty, may you find me company here?"

God, in his infinite kindness, responds "Of course my child, I shall create a being to accompany you. The being will be beautiful, intelligent, caring, calm, and loving. The being shall satisfy you in every way and you two shall find love and be truly happy with one another.

Ecstatic, Adam says "Thank you Lord! What will it cost me?"

God replies "Your left arm and leg."

Adam ponders for a minute and replies- "What can I get for a rib?"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A guy calls the local hospital

A guy calls the local hospital and yells, "You've gotta send help! My wife's in labour!" The nurse says, "Calm down. Is this her first child?" He replies, "No! This is her husband"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

the funniest joke in the world

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps, My friend is dead! What can I do? The operator says Calm down. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead. There is a silence, and then a shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says OK, now what?

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Two guys are drinking and driving....

... and come across sobriety test check point. They see this from a distance, but cannot turn around and have no choice but to go through. One guy starts panicking, but the other is calm and collected. The calm and collected guys tells the other to pull over before they proceed; he has a plan. For starters, his plan included drinking all of the beer -- confused, the panicking guy goes along thinking how much more trouble can he be in. After all of the beer was gone the panicky guy asks, what now? The other guy tells him to peel of the beer sticker and put it on his arm. Still confused, he complies. They roll up to the check point and the cop asks them if they have been drinking. The calm and collected guy says, no sir, we're on the patch.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Woman in pharmacist

A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist, looked him straight into his eyes, and said, "I would like to buy some cyanide."

The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"

The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband."

The pharmacist's eyes got big and he explained, "Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband, that's against the law? I'll lose my licence! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!"

The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband on a bed with the pharmacist's wife, he had his cock deep down her throat.

The pharmacist looked at the picture nodded and replied, "You didn't tell me you had a prescription."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Two men are walking in the woods...

...all of a sudden, one of them collapses. The other man dials 911 and says, "Help! I think my friend is dead!" The operator responds, "Sir, calm down. First of all, we need to make sure he is dead." There is a minute of silence and a loud thud before the man responds, "Okay, now what?"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Two hunters are in the woods...

Two hunters were in the woods, when one collapsed. He didn't seem to be breathing. The other called the emergency number and said, "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator said, "Calm down, I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." After a second of silence on the hunter's end, the operator heard a gunshot. The hunter came back on the phone and said, ""OK, now what?"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Apparently, this is the most commonly-appreciated joke in the world

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps, "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says "Calm down. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says "OK, now what?"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Hunters in the Woods

'Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other man pulls out his cell phone and calls emergency services. He gasps to the operator: ''My friend is dead! What can I do?'' The operator in a calm, soothing voice replies: ''Take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead.'' There is a silence, then a shot is heard. Back on the phone, the hunter says, ''OK, now what?'

πŸ‘πŸΌ

so many poor jokes, where to begin?

A brunette, a blonde and a redhead, all heavily pregnant, are waiting for a scan; the brunette says 'I was on top, so I'm going to have a bay', the redhead responds with 'I was on the bottom, so I'm going to have a girl', at which point the blonde bursts into tears. The other two manage to calm her down, and ask what is wrong? 'I'm going to have puppies!'

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A man calls the hospital and yells that her wife is in labour...

The nurse tells him to calm down and asks "Is this her first child?" to which the man replies "NO THIS IS HER HUSBAND!"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Engineering professors and their students.....

A group of engineering professors boarded a plane to a conference.
After they are all seated, the flight attendants announce that their students were the ones that built the plane they were sitting in. The professors jump out of their seats and run to the door in a panic.
When they notice one weird looking professor stayed seated, they ask him "why are you so calm right now?"
He answers "I know my students well. If they really did build this plane, I can say with 100% certainty that it will never even start."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A couple of hunters are out in the woods....

when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: My friend is dead! What can I do?

The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead. There is a silence, then a shot is heard.

The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: OK, now what?

πŸ‘πŸΌ

(Gets pulled over)

Me: (thinking to stay calm and act a little flirty)

Cop: License and Registration please.

Me: (pressing tits together) Can't you just let me go officer! :)

Cop: Sir, step out of the vehicle.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Those Hunters...

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps, "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says "Calm down. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a gun shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says "OK, now what?"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Two hunters walk into the woods....

One of them trips over, he's not breathing and his eyes have rolled back into their sockets. The other hunter whips out his phone and calls emergency services. The lady on the line asks what's wrong.

"Help, help! I think my friend is dead!"says the hunter.

"Calm down, take a breather, help will be with you shortly. First you need to make sure that he is dead"says the woman.

There is a silence, then a gunshot Is heard.
The hunter goes back on the phone and says "okay, now what?"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Two Alabama hunters are out in the woods.....

when one of them falls to the ground. He seem to be breathing, but then his eyes roll back in his head.
The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls 911. He gasps to the operator, "My friend, is I think he's dead!! What can I do?"

The operator, in a calm soothing voice says, "Just take it easy.! I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead."

There is a silence ...

Then **BANG, BANG** The guy's voice comes back "OK, now what?"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A man is taking his son for a walk...

A man takes his son for a walk in his carriage. As he pushes him along, the baby is screaming and crying.

He says "Calm down, Carl."

The baby continues to cry and make a scene.

"It's going to be okay, Carl," the father murmurs.

After a while, a woman approaches and starts speaking to him.

"You must really care about your son Carl to take him on a walk to calm him down."

"No, I'm Carl."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

I've been very anxious about being mugged while on holiday in mexico, so I've been taking Valium to calm my nerves.

So far I haven't had any Hispanic attacks.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A blonde's house catches on fire..

She starts freaking out and finally calls 911. She exclaims, "my house is on fire come as fast as you can!" The operated says, "Okay, calm down and tell me how do we get to your house?", the blonde then replies arrogantly and annoyed, "Well duh, in the big red truck!"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

The animal convenience store

It was 11am and all the forest animals were waiting in line for the convenience store to open. Some were obviously more calm than others.

Suddenly, the rabbit was making his way up through the line towards the store when the bear stops him.

"Trying to cut in line eh? " and Wham!, he whacks the rabbit and sends him back.

The rabbit gets up, dusts himself off and says:

"Well fuck y'all if I'm opening the store now!"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Remain Calm :)

An Emergency Call Centre worker has been fired in Toronto much to the dismay of her colleagues, who were unhappy with her dismissal.

It seems that a caller dialled 911 from a cell phone stating, "I am depressed and lying on a railway line so that when the train comes I can finally meet Allah."

To which the call centre employee replied, "Remain calm and stay on the line

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Two hunters are out in the forest when one of them collapses

Two hunters are out in the forest when one of them collapses. The other one calls '911' and the operator answers.

"This is 911, what is your emergency?" she says.

"Uh... My friend is dead I don't know what to do!" the man replies.

"Ok, calm down. Firstly, you gotta make sure he actually is dead", the woman says.

"Fine, give me 1 second"

*Gunshot fired*

"Ok, what now?" the man asks.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A group of engineering teachers get on a plane...

After everyone settle to their seats, the captain starts speaking:

"Hello everyone, this is the captain speaking. I want you to all know that this plane was built by your students!".

After hearing this, all the teachers started running off the plane and refused to fly, except one. The last teacher staying comfortable in his seat was asked why was he so calm, to which he replies:

"I have full confidence in my students, if they really built this plane, then I'm sure the captain won't even manage to start it up."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Our grandpa was running away from the operation theater ...

We stopped him and asked what was wrong.

He replied that the nurses in the operation theater were saying "Don't worry, everything will be alright, we are all with you" and that made him uncomfortable.

We said "They were trying to calm you down. This is common. They probably say this to all the patients before the surgery"

Our grandpa took a deep breath, looked deep into my eyes and said "They were telling that to the surgeon"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A woman gives birth to a girl and a boy but falls into a coma for a few months.

After she wakes up the doctor says "stay calm. You fell into a coma after having twins. Your brother came to pick them up and even name them."

The mother is worried "Oh no my Brother is terrible with names!"

The doctor says "He named the girl Denise"

The mother looks relieved "well that's not so bad. What did he name the boy?"

"Denephew"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A couple of hunters from Wyoming are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground.

He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: My friend is dead! What can I do? The operator, in a calm soothing voice, says: Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead. There is a silence, then a shot is heard. The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: OK, now what?

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Man walks into a psychologists office and says "Doc. You gotta help Me! I'm having these terrible dreams!"

Doc asks the guy "what happens in these bad dreams?"

The guy says "Sometimes I'm a teepee, then I'm a wigwam, then a teepee, then a wigwam, teepee, wigwam, teepee, wigwam. It's all night! I can't take it!"

Doc says "you've got to calm down. You're too tense."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A wife accompanies her husband to a follow up appointment at his doctor.

Things go normally, but as they are about to leave the doctor asks if he can talk to her privately. The husband goes to the waiting room.

The doctor tells the woman, "I didn't want to scare him, but your husband has a very serious heart condition. As long as he is treated properly, he should live a long life."

"What do we need to do?" says the wife.

"Well, you are going to have to keep him calm and relaxed at all times. Don't make him do anything around the house. Message him if he feels stressed. Cook his favorite meals. Let him watch what he wants on TV. Anything you can do to keep him happy and relaxed."

The wife leaves the office and her and her husband get in the car.

"I'm dying to know, what did he want to say to you?" says the husband.

"You have two weeks to live."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Sex Shop

The sales girl at the Sex Shop didn't bat an eye when the customer purchased an artificial vagina.

"What are you going to use it for?" she asked.

"I don't think it's any of your business," answered the customer, beet red and slightly offended.

"Calm down, buddy," soothed the salesgirl. "The only reason I'm asking is that if it's food, we don't have to charge you sales tax."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

There are two hunters

Suddenly one of them collapses. He appears not to be breathing and his eyes glaze over. The other hunter panics and 911. The hunter says "I think my friend is dead! What do I do?" The operator says "Calm down. First, make sure he's dead." A gunshot is heard on the other line. The hunter says, "Okay now what.?"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Disappoiting Frog!

A woman storms into a pet shop demanding her money back from the owner.

"You sold me this frog and told me it would be able to satisfy all my sexual desires!"

The clerk tries to calm her down and asks, "Did you do what I told you to do?"

"Yes, dammit! I got naked, lay back on my bed, and put him between my legs just like you said, and he did nothing!" she shouts.

The owner, looking confused, replies, "It's a perfectly trained frog. I can't understand what's wrong."

He takes the woman and the frog to a back room in the shop, where he places the frog on a small table next to a bed and asks the woman to please lie down and remove her panties.

"What?" she shouts.

Turning to the frog, he says, "Now watch carefully, because this is the last time I'm showing you this!"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Conversation between a 911 operator and a hunter

"911, what's your emergency?"

"My friend and I went hunting and he got attacked by a bear, I managed to scare it away, but I think my friend is dead"

"OK, stay calm. First, make sure he is dead"

*Gun shot*

"He is. Now what?"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

I was weirdly calm when the doctor refused to prescribe me Viagra.

No hard feelings.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Make sure that she is really dead

A doctor gets a phone call from his best friend, and the frantic voice at the other end says "God, oh God, my wife's dead! I shot her! What do I do!?" The doc tells his friend to calm down. "OK, now the first thing is, you have to be sure that she's really dead." He hears silence at the other end, then a single gunshot. "OK, what now?!"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

"OK, now what!?"

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps, "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says "Calm down. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says "OK, now what?"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

This is the worst joke I've ever told, and I think it's hilarious. Am I really alone?

A woman bursts into a doctor's office and says, "Doctor! I'm having a panic attack!"

The doctor looks at her and says, "Calm down."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Epilepsy

Paddy goes to the vet with his goldfish. I think it's got epilepsy he tells the vet.

Vet takes a look and says It seems calm enough to me .

Paddy says, I haven't taken it out of the bowl yet.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Trump, Putin, and Kim Jong Un are walking through the jungle

They all trip and fall into a pit of quicksand. A sign next to the pit reads, "the more you lie, the faster you sink." Kim Jong Un is up to his neck, and Putin is at his waist. Trump appears to be perfectly calm and not sinking at all. Putin asks how this is possible. Trump replies, "I'll be alright. I'm standing on Sean Spicer."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

This is apparently the world's funniest joke. Would you laugh at it?

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps, "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says "Calm down. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a gun shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says "OK, now what?

πŸ‘πŸΌ

How do you calm down an astronaut?

...you give him space.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

What do you call a Jedi that won't calm down?

Panakin Skywalker!

πŸ‘πŸΌ

An old lady visits her doctor...

...and says to him:

"Doctor, I have a problem. I keep farting all day long, luckily they don't smell and are dead silent, can you do something to make it stop?"

"Take these pills and come back after a week for a checkup."

One week later she comes by and says:

"Doctor! Not only didn't the farting stop, but now they are smelly as a landfill!"

The doctor replies:

"Calm down, miss. I cured your sense of smell, now to do something about that hearing."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Rewrote an old joke to match today's trends

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services.

He gasps: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says: "Calm down, I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead."

There is a silence, then a shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says: "OK, now what?"

The operator then fainted.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Two boys are camping in the woods when one of them collapses

He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other boy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services.

He gasps, "My friend is dead! What can I do?"

The operator says, "Calm down. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead."

There is a brief silence when a sound like an axe hitting a watermelon is heard.

Back on the phone, the boy says, "OK, now what?

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Why are Skeleton's so calm?

Because nothing gets under their skin.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A boy and a pile of sh**

A Scotsman, Irishman and Englishman were walking down the street. They notice a little boy playing in some horse shit. So the Scotsman went up to the little boy and asked, "What are you doing there lad." The boy looked up and said, "I am making me a Scottish warrior." The Scotsman gets all mad and stomps off cursing under his breath. The Irishman said, "Calm down let me see what he is doing." So he goes up to the little boy and asks him what he is doing. The little boy looked up and said, "I am making me an Irish Jockey." Oh the Irishman got so mad he stomped off and was cursing under his breath. The Englishman said, "Now calm down I got this." He goes up to the boy and says, "Let me guess if I asked you what you are doing you are going to tell me you are making another Englishman." The boy shook his head and said, "Nope, there isn't enough shit in the world to make another Englishman."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

There's a lot of anger out there about the MLK speech/Dodge Ram Superbowl ad...

Kylie Jenner should hand out some Pepsi to calm things down.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

TELL ME THIS WON'T HAPPEN TO ME

An elderly Floridian called 911 on her cell phone to report that her car has been broken into. She is hysterical as she explains her situation to the dispatcher: "They've stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the brake pedal and even the accelerator!
" she cried. The dispatcher said, "Stay calm. An officer is on the way."

A few minutes later, the officer radios in.
"Disregard," he says. She got in the back-seat by mistake."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

I went to a house of mirrors with my wife. She looked at me and laughed. She said, "You look so fucking ugly!"

"Alright, calm down," I said. "At least wait until we've got to the house."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Husband: Honey, how do you stay so calm even after I shout at you and belittle you?

Wife: I have this amazing technique that always helps me calm down.

Husband: Really!? How does it work?

Wife: It's nothing big... I just clean the toilet.

Husband: (laughing) Wow, you really are an idiot! How does that calm you down?

Wife: Because I use your toothbrush!

πŸ‘πŸΌ

I'm too calm to be a Dermatologist.

I refuse to make rash decisions.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A blonde walks in on her boyfriend cheating on her

She pulls out a gun and says: I'm done with you!

Boyfriend: Calm down, calm down. We can settle this with words.

The blonde puts the gun to her head

Boyfriend: What do you think you're doing?

Blonde: Don't worry, you're next.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Two men are sitting at a bar when a beautiful woman walks in...

...and sits down next to them. The man sitting next to her looks over at her and then quickly back to his friend.

"Do you see this girl?" He whispers. "She is is freaking beautiful! I want to talk to her but I'm nervous. What do I do, man???"

"Just relax." Says the other man. "Just calm down and introduce yourself politely."

The lovestruck man begins to breath slowly and turns towards the girl but just as he opens his mouth she suddenly turns towards him and lifts up her shirt.

"Dude she just flashed me!" Says the surprised and confused man to his friend.

"She did what?"

"She just showed me her breasts! What do I do now?"

"Just... show her your nuts!"

"You sure?"

"Yes, just show her your nuts!"

"Ok!" says the man and turns towards the girl and says "BALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALALA!!"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

How does my dad calm down after a stressful day at work?

Beats me.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

An Englishman, a Frenchman, and a Russian are staring at a portrait of Adam and Eve.

My, look at the composure on their faces, says the Englishman. With such calm and reserved looks, surely they must be English!

Nonsense! says the Frenchman. No English person was ever that beautiful! Surely, they must be French!

The Russian laughs. Silly capitalists, arguing over stupid nonsense like this! Answer is obvious! Adam and Eve have no food, no clothes, and no shelter, and yet they are told they are living in paradise! Clearly, they are living in Soviet Russia!

πŸ‘πŸΌ

What are the best Calm puns and pranks?

Did you ever wanted to prank someone about Calm? Well, here are the best jokes about Calm to have fun with.

Joko Jokes