Calm Jokes
162 calm jokes and hilarious calm puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about calm that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Find out how to keep calm and use clever jokes to defuse a tense situation. Learn how to keep your composure in the face of a gun shot, and how to stay quiet without feeling awkward. Discover the power of clever jokes to help you keep your cool and stay in control.
Funniest Calm Short Jokes
Short calm jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The calm humour may include short quiet jokes also.
- This girl said she would go out with me if I knew a six letter word that's a synonym for "calm". I said, "It's sedate."
- Surgeon: "Stay calm John, it's just a little cut with a scalpel, no need to be nervous." Patient: "Thanks Doc, but I'm not John"
surgeon: "I know, I am" - A man and a woman are lying in bed late night... ...and the woman asks her man: "Honey, do you prefer smart or pretty women?" and the man responds calmly: "Neither, baby, I prefer you."
- Two monkeys entered a bath. Monkey 1: Oooh oooh oooh aaah aaah aaah
Monkey 2: Calm down, it isn't that hot - I saw my girlfriend with another guy at the mall. I was about to confront them but I managed to calm myself down. That wouldn't be a good example to set in front of my wife and kids.
- If you ever get locked out of your house, talk to your lock calmly. Because communication is key.
- A guy calls the hospital. He says, "You gotta send help! My wife's going into labor!"
The nurse says, "Calm down. Is this her first child?"
He says, "No! This is her husband!" - A guy in a public place, phone out, camera on... He approaches a young woman. "What are you doing, creep?" she says. He glances up, smiles, and says "Calm down. I'm just trying to get a Pikachu."
- They say 'Whale noises' are meant to be calming... but I've been making them for 10 minutes and all the people at Slimming World seem rather angry with me.
- During an argument with her husband, a wife was just about to calm down. But then her husband asked her to calm down...
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Calm One Liners
Which calm one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with calm? I can suggest the ones about chill and relax.
- Everyone should calm down about that Net Neutrality thing... You guys seem so Ajitated.
- Why are Astronauts always so calm? There's no pressure in space.
- Why are doctors always calm? They have a lot of patients.
Sorry. - How do you calm down an astronaut? Give him some space
- Attention everyone: there is a national lettuce shortage everyone please romaine calm
- Telling a girl to calm down: works about as well as trying to baptize a cat.
- Why are skeletons always so calm? Nothing gets under their skin.
- There was a fire at an aromatherapy candle factory The situation is now calm.
- What did the cop say to the salad? Everyone romaine calm!
- I'm too calm to be a dermatologist. I refuse to make rash decisions.
- What is the most calming scent? Chloroform
- What was the name of that very calm Russian tennis player? Oh yeah, I got it - Panikova!
- The tale of the haunted refrigerator was calm and cold. Indeed, it was chilling.
- When a girl says she wants you to splurge on her Calm down, it's not what you think...
- If wives were bombs, what would their trigger code be? Calm Down
Keep Calm Jokes
Here is a list of funny keep calm jokes and even better keep calm puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Keeping tropical fish at home can have a truly calming effect on the brain. Due to all the indoor fins.
- I keep having this reoccurring dream Every night I dream I'm constantly changing between being a teepee and a wigwam. I went to the doctor and he told me "Calm down kid, you're two tents.".
- What did the database admin say when he recovered a corrupted database? Keep calm and query on.
- If you think you have telekinetic powers like Carrie White's then you should ... Keep calm and NOT Carrie ON ....!
- One of my friends was struggling with exponents in math class today I told him
"It's ok, just keep calm and you won't have an exponent-al crisis." - Keep Calm and… NO!!!
If you keep calm, you will never be a Super Saiyan!!! - Why can't the cops keep calm and carry on ? Because they carry guns instead
- Keep Calm And... beat a dead horse.
Calm Down Jokes
Here is a list of funny calm down jokes and even better calm down puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Calm down about the Net Neutrality thing... Paying additional money to access certain sites will give you a sense of pride and accomplishment.
- My therapist said that I should do whatever I find enjoyable and calming. Now there is blood everywhere.
- My ex broke up with me My ex broke up with me because I , apparently , was too immature ...
I took a deep breath and calmed down.
Then I went to her house , rang the doorbell and ran away. - Doctor- Calm down alex, it's just a minor operation. Patient- thank you, but I am not Alex.
Doctor- I am. - A patient is screaming 'I lost my leg' The doctor calmly points out 'no you haven't, see it's right there' and points to the other side of the room
- My doctor has the best bedside manner. During my last prostate exam, he kept me calm by putting both of his hands on my shoulders
- I hate it when people at church always tell me Jesus Christ will return soon… Like dude, calm down, he was nailed to a cross, not a boomerang!
- Why did Steve Jobs' face always look so calm and collected? Because he used eye-pads before sleep
- What kind of tea is easiest to make? A simplici-tea.
What kind of tea is most calming?
A sereni-tea.
And what kind od tea is most bitter?
A reali-tea. - People need to calm down about Walmart making wearing a mask mandatory. You can still wear your pajamas.
Hilarious Calm Jokes for a Fun-Filled Night with Friends
What funny jokes about calm you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean peace and quiet jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make calm pranks.
Did you pay the VISA bill?
A man and a woman end up on a deserted island. He is desperate and cries:" oh, honey we're gonna die so young. Nobody will ever find us here!!!" She is very calm and relaxed. "Don't panic , dear, we'll be OK in few hours, I forgot to pay our VISA bill, the'll find us, don't worry"
Lady barges into radio shack
She grabs at the nearest employee and exclaims:
"I need a pack of double A batteries RIGHT NOW!"
The employee, flustered, replies: "All right, stay calm and just ... come this way", as he gestures her to follow him with a wave of his fingers.
She yells "If I could do that, I wouldn't need the batteries!"
Doctor's orders for more peace in your life
A doctor on TV said that in order to have inner peace in our lives after this election, we should always finish things we start. Since we all could use more calm in our lives, I looked around my house to find things I'd started and hadn't finished.
I finished a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of Chardonnay, a bodle of Baileys, a butle of wum, tha mainder of Valiuminun scriptins, an a box a choclutz. Yu has no idr how fablus I feel rite now.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
An old lady gets into an accident with a midget...
...he gets out of the car, obviously furious, and stomps toward the old woman. "I am *not* happy," he growls.
The old woman, calm as can be, says:
"Well, which one are you, then?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Funniest joke of all time...according to Wikipedia...thought I share.
Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps, "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says "Calm down. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a gun shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says "OK, now what?"[
This is the worst joke I've ever told, and I think it's hilarious. Am I really alone?
A woman bursts into a doctor's office and says, "Doctor! I'm having a panic attack!"
The doctor looks at her and says, "Calm down."
A guy run up to me and started yelling,
"I'm a teepee! I'm a wigwam!"
I said, "Calm down, man. You're too tense."
Pilot Choice
As the crowded airliner is about to take off, the peace is shattered by a five-year-old boy who picks that moment to throw a wild temper tantrum. No matter what his frustrated, embarrassed mother does to try to calm him down, the boy continues to scream furiously and kick the seats around him. Suddenly, from the rear of the plane, an elderly man in the uniform of an Air Force General is seen slowly walking forward up the aisle. Stopping the flustered mother with an upraised hand, the white-haired, courtly, soft-spoken General leans down and, motioning toward his chest, whispers something into the boy's ear.
Instantly, the boy calms down, gently takes his mother's hand, and quietly fastens his seat belt.
All the other passengers burst into spontaneous applause. As the General slowly makes his way back to his seat, one of the cabin attendants touches his sleeve.
"Excuse me, General," she asks quietly, "but could I ask you what magic words you used on that little boy?"
The old man smiles serenely and gently confides, "I showed him my pilot's wings, service stars, and battle ribbons, and explained that they entitle me to throw one passenger out the plane door, on any flight I choose."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Three men and a parachute
So, a norwegian, a danish and a swedish person are on a private flight. Suddenly, the pilot turns on the speaker and says:
"The plane is malfunctioning and is going to c**.... There's three parachutes, and I'm going to take one. You're going to have to figure out who doesn't get one".
He then proceeds to jump out of the plane.
The three men panic, but the norwegian tells the others to calm down and then says to the swedish person: "Here. You take one, we'll figure out who gets the last one." And the swedish jumps.
The norwegian then turns to the danish person and says: "Let's grab the chutes and get out of this thing."
The danish says, very confused:" But you just gave the second to last parachute to that swedish guy? There's only one left now."
To which the norwegian replies: "Relax man, I gave him my backpack."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Conversation between a 911 operator and a hunter
"911, what's your emergency?"
"My friend and I went hunting and he got attacked by a bear, I managed to scare it away, but I think my friend is dead"
"OK, stay calm. First, make sure he is dead"
*Gun shot*
"He is. Now what?"
Horror at the zoo
A man is at the zoo with his family. Suddenly a flustered employee comes up and says
*Sir, sir! There's been a terrible accident!*
The man responds, *What happened?*
*Your mother-in-law fell into the alligator pool!*
The man, supremely calm, says to the worker, *Not my problem! You try to save those alligators.*
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
911?
Husband: "Hello, Yes, there's this Hindu fellow who's been following my wife around for the past few hours, and it's starting to really creep us out. He just now got down on his knees and he's... praying, or something."
911 Operator: "Sir, calm down, there's no issue here- Hindus are well known to worship cows."
A blonde's house catches on fire..
She starts freaking out and finally calls 911. She exclaims, "my house is on fire come as fast as you can!" The operated says, "Okay, calm down and tell me how do we get to your house?", the blonde then replies arrogantly and annoyed, "Well duh, in the big red truck!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Mother superior is doing the orientation ...
of the new nun. The neighbourhood is rough and so she thought she would put some hypotheticals. "What would you do if you were walking alone at night and got cornered by a man on who demanded to have s**... with you?"
"Well, I would ask him to drop his pants." replied the new nun coolly
Flabbergasted the Mother pressed "And what then?"
"Well, then I would hike up my habit above my knees." replied the nun, still calm.
Aghast at this the Mother could not but ask "And what then?"
"Well, I would start running. I can run a lot faster with my habit hiked up than the man whose trousers are at his ankles."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Car Accident
Two paramedics arrived at the scene of a car c**.... The driver of the car was still sitting in his seat, screaming his head off. One of the paramedics tried to calm him down.
"Pull yourself together, man" he says. "At least you haven't gone through the windshield like your passenger" He points at a girl lying unconscious on the side of the road.
The driver replied "You haven't seen what's in her mouth"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
what do you do if you see your ex , running around in your front yard covered in blood and screaming for help ?
stay calm . reload . and try again.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A guy calls 911
"Send an ambulance! My wife's having a baby!"
"Just calm down down", says the operator, "Is this her first baby?"
"No it's her husband you idiot!"
Two men get into a car wreck...
Both men are all right and meet to exchange information. The older man offers the younger man a drink to calm his nerves while they wait for the insurance investigator to arrive.
"Thanks for that drink, sir," the younger man says, emptying the little bit left in the bottle. "That was pretty scary."
"Don't thank me," the older man replies, casually tossing the empty bottle into the woods. "I'm a lawyer."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Two hunters are out in the woods...
One collapses and stops breathing. His companion calls an emergency number and cries, "My friend is dead! What should I do?" The operator says, "Calm down; I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a gunshot, and the hunter says, "OK, now what?"
Gliding Eagles
Two eagles were gliding at a high altitude and discussing life, when a F-15 fighter jet zooms above them. It throws them off course and ruffles up their feathers.
They calm down and get back on track gliding next to each other.
The first eagle, excitedly 'Wow!! Now thats what I call speed!!'
The second eagle, calmly replies 'Trust me. You would be flying that fast too if your sphincter was on fire.'
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I told my doctor i was scared and nervous when i got tested for h**......
He said 'Just calm down and try to think positive.'
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Two hunters are in the woods...
Two hunters were in the woods, when one collapsed. He didn't seem to be breathing. The other called the emergency number and said, "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator said, "Calm down, I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." After a second of silence on the hunter's end, the operator heard a gunshot. The hunter came back on the phone and said, ""OK, now what?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Jimmy is out hunting with his best buddy Mark
When Mark suddenly clutches his chest and falls to the ground. Thinking quickly Jimmy calls 911.
"My friend just had a heart attack! I think he's dead." he says the operator
"Ok sir, calm down. First check to make sure he's definitely dead. I'll hold."
**\*BLAM***
"Yeah, he's definitely dead."
An Emergency Call Centre operator has been fired...
An Emergency Call Centre operator has been fired in Bradford
It seems that a caller dialed 999 from a mobile phone stating, "I am depressed and lying on a railway line so that when the train comes I can finally meet my maker."
To which the call centre employee replied, "Remain calm and stay on the line."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
The Prescription
A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, "I would like to buy some cyanide." The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?" The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband." The pharmacist's eye got big and he exclaimed, "Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband. That's against the law! I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!" The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife. The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well now, that's different. You didn't tell me you had a prescription."
There are two hunters
Suddenly one of them collapses. He appears not to be breathing and his eyes glaze over. The other hunter panics and 911. The hunter says "I think my friend is dead! What do I do?" The operator says "Calm down. First, make sure he's dead." A gunshot is heard on the other line. The hunter says, "Okay now what.?"
A man is taking his son for a walk...
A man takes his son for a walk in his carriage. As he pushes him along, the baby is screaming and crying.
He says "Calm down, Carl."
The baby continues to cry and make a scene.
"It's going to be okay, Carl," the father murmurs.
After a while, a woman approaches and starts speaking to him.
"You must really care about your son Carl to take him on a walk to calm him down."
"No, I'm Carl."
Marriage
Husband asking the wife:
-Darling, do you want to come with me to the gym?
*-Are you saying I'm fat??*
-No, I was just thinking that we should maybe...
*-Are you saying I'm lazy??*
-No, no! Calm down, I didn't say that..
*-Why, you think I'm hysterical??*
-No, I wasn't saying that..
*-So you are calling me a liar now??*
-God no! You know what, I go alone then.
*-Wait a minute! Why do you want to go alone!?*
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Two hunters are out in the woods when one collapses...
He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed.
The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services.
He gasps, "I think my friend is dead! What can I do?"
The operator says "Calm down. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead."
There is a silence, then a gun shot is heard.
Back on the phone, the guy says "OK, now what?"
Two hunters are strolling through the woods ...
When suddenly, one of them gasps, grabs hit chest, and collapses on the floor, eyes open and non-responsive.
In a panic, the other hunter dials 911: "I think my friend is dead! What can I do?!"
"Sir, please calm down. First of all, lets make sure he's dead"
There is a silence, and then a gunshot is heard
"Okay, so now what?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I asked my mom something really s**....
I asked her to calm down.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Make sure that she is really dead
A doctor gets a phone call from his best friend, and the frantic voice at the other end says "God, oh God, my wife's dead! I shot her! What do I do!?" The doc tells his friend to calm down. "OK, now the first thing is, you have to be sure that she's really dead." He hears silence at the other end, then a single gunshot. "OK, what now?!"
An American, a Briton, and a North Korean look at a picture of Adam and Eve
An American, a Briton, and a North Korean look at a picture of Adam and Eve in the garden of Eden and try to figure out what nationality they are.
The American says, "Look at how free and independent they are, they must be Americans."
The Briton says, "What are you talking about, look at how calm and reserved they are, the are obviously British."
The North Korean says, "You two are both missing the point. They have no clothes, no shelter, they only have and apple to eat between them and yet they are being told that they live in paradise. They're clearly North Korean."
After finishing my pint really quickly, the barman told me to calm down.
I said, "You're telling me? You just drunk my pint!"
The cashier at my local grocery store hates me...
I'm always paying in 1$ bills and I use a lot of them. I attempted to calm her down with some humor.
"I'm an exotic dancer...and I'm really good at it", I said with a wink.
She replied with a glare, "I doubt that. If you were any good you'd be paying with $5's"
A friend of mine accidentally deleted my game data and told me to calm down
...So after a nice cup of tea, i hid his body
A blonde, a brunette and a redhead are in a maternity ward, waiting to give birth.
The brunette says, "I think I'm having a boy because when we conceived, my husband was on top".
The redhead smiles and says, "in that case, I'm having a girl. I'm always on top!"
At this, the blonde starts crying hysterically. The other two calm her down and ask her what's wrong.
"I'm having puppies!" she sobs
The kid runs up to a policeman
"Officer!" yells the kid, "My father is in a fight with another man!"
The officer says "Calm down kid, where is he?"
"He's right around the corner!" exclaims the kid.
The cop follows him around the corner, and sure enough, there's two men going at it as hard as they can.
"Which one is your father?" asks the cop
"I don't know!" cries the kid. "That's what they're fighting about!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A man cheats with his wife's sister
Man: Calm down! You haven't heard my side of the story!
Wife: You slept with my sister!
Man: When i got to work she was just laying there n**... on my table! What was I supposed to do?!
Wife: The autopsy!
PS: Didnt make this up
Trump, Putin, and Kim Jong Un are walking through the jungle
They all trip and fall into a pit of quicksand. A sign next to the pit reads, "the more you lie, the faster you sink." Kim Jong Un is up to his neck, and Putin is at his waist. Trump appears to be perfectly calm and not sinking at all. Putin asks how this is possible. Trump replies, "I'll be alright. I'm standing on Sean Spicer."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My wife says I have a problem with alcohol a**....
I politely told her I don't. I managed to stay calm and kiss her goodnight even though I was getting so angry.
When she went to bed I punched my bottle of Jack Daniels.
A man calls a doctor in a panic
"Doctor, doctor!" the man cries. "My son swallowed my pencil, and I don't know what to do!!"
"Now calm down," assured the doctor. "Tell me this:
...do you have a *pen?*"
A man is verbally abusive to his wife, but
she always keeps her cool.
He asks her "I'm always so abusive to you, how come you're always so calm?"
"I scrub the toilet" his wife replies
"I don't get it?!" He says
"I use your toothbrush"
Why do men prefer dogs to women?
If you get angry with a dog, and lock it outside in the cold for half an hour while you calm down, the dog will be pleased to see you when you let it back in.
Two men are walking in the woods...
...all of a sudden, one of them collapses. The other man dials 911 and says, "Help! I think my friend is dead!" The operator responds, "Sir, calm down. First of all, we need to make sure he is dead." There is a minute of silence and a loud thud before the man responds, "Okay, now what?"
The guy driving in front of me didn't indicate, so I screamed at the top of my lungs.
He said, "Calm down, mate. Otherwise you can leave my taxi."
A Native American walks into an Old West saloon followed shortly by a bear
The patrons freeze in fear, and the saloonkeeper points to the native American man and whispers "There's a bear right behind you!"
The Native American man holds up a calm hand and says, "I can explain. Bear with me."
My boss said I "lacked courage" so I walked out...
Got a coffee to calm down and returned to my desk.
Snake bite
Two hunters go out into the woods and one of them gets bitten by a snake, collapses and stops breathing. The other hunter quickly calls emergency services and says "You have to help me, my friend just got bitten by a snake and died." The operator says "OK, calm down. First, make sure he is dead." The phone goes silent for a bit, followed by the sound of a gun shot. The hunter goes back to the phone and says to the operator "Ok, now what?"
Two friends are sitting at a bar, one has schizophrenia. Suddenly the schizophrenic starts bursting out laughing, and it takes a few minutes for him to calm down.
When he finally does, he says "sorry, it's a inside joke".
A Briton, a Frenchman, and a Russian are standing and staring at a portrait of Adam and Eve...
"Look at their calm, their reserve" says the Briton. "Surely they must be British!"
"Nonsense!" Replies the Frenchman. "They are beautiful. Surely they must be French!"
The Russian finally speaks, "they have no clothes, no shelter, only an apple to eat, and are being told this is paradise. They are Russian."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
"911, what's your emergency?"
*"Me and my friend were out hunting and... I accidentally shot him and now he's dead!"*
"Alright, sir, calm down. Now, we need to be sure he's actually dead before we do anything else."
**BANG**
*"Okay, what next?"*
There's a lot of anger out there about the mlk speech/Dodge Ram Superbowl ad...
Kylie Jenner should hand out some Pepsi to calm things down.
1 A doctor gets a call at 5 AM. "Me and my friend, we went hunting. He fell off from a tree. I think he's dead. Help..." The Doctor says, "Calm down. Do exactly as I say and everything will be OK." "Ok, Doctor." The doctor says "First, I want you to check and make sure your friend is dead."
The Doctor hears a loud BANG.
"Yup, I've made sure. What next?"
I was walking in Little Italy yesterday
when I saw a man patiently standing by his car as he was being written a parking ticket. The officer finished, and the man thanked her and opened his car.
Confused as to why he seemed so unconcerned I approached him. "Sir! You just got a ticket! How are you so calm about this?"
He just shrugged and said, "It's a-fine."
Our grandpa was running away from the operation theater ...
We stopped him and asked what was wrong.
He replied that the nurses in the operation theater were saying "Don't worry, everything will be alright, we are all with you" and that made him uncomfortable.
We said "They were trying to calm you down. This is common. They probably say this to all the patients before the surgery"
Our grandpa took a deep breath, looked deep into my eyes and said "They were telling that to the surgeon"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Two hunters are in a forest when, all of sudden, a venomous snake jumps and bites one of them in the groin.
His friend, desperate, calls 911.
"Help me! My friend got bitten by a snake!"
"Calm down, sir! First of all, you must find the location of the bite and s**... the poison out. Can you do that?"
"Gotcha."
The bitten friend asks: "So? What did they say?"
"They said you'll die, dude."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I murdered the pizza delivery man for messing up my order and had to cover it up.
I ordered another pizza to calm my nerves and the second delivery man noticed the body, so I had to kill him too. Now I feel even more nervous so I ordered yet another pizza. I think it's starting to become a domino effect.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Two boys are camping in the woods when one of them collapses
He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other boy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services.
He gasps, "My friend is dead! What can I do?"
The operator says, "Calm down. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead."
There is a brief silence when a sound like an axe hitting a watermelon is heard.
Back on the phone, the boy says, "OK, now what?
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I've been very anxious about being mugged while on holiday in mexico, so I've been taking v**... to calm my nerves.
So far I haven't had any Hispanic attacks.
Why did the angry kettle feel calm after he was scammed?
He just had to let off some steam
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A man decided to get a DNA test
When the results came, he confronted his parents because he found they weren't his real parents.
His mom, shocked and confused, tried to understand what had happened while his father tried to calm her down.
"I thought you knew" said the father.
"What do you mean?? How was I supposed to know he's not our son??" answered the mother.
The father calmly explained "Well, when we were leaving the hospital, he s**... himself and you told me to go back and change it"
How does one walk through a Siberian forest?
Do it in a calm and relaxed manner, but bear in mind
The government in Egypt has asked the city's taxi drivers to drive around Cairo sounding their car horns. It is hoped that the familiar sounds of the city will induce a return to tranquility and normality following the recent pandemic.
Operation Toot 'n Calm 'Em will last for the rest of the week.
I was going for a walk in the desert in Afghanistan.
Off in the distance I saw what I thought was a mirage but as I got closer I could see it's wasn't a mirage, Israel.
It was two men arguing, so I tried to calm the situation down but they turned against me. The one man threw Iraq, so Iran all the way home.
Agitated by the encounter I told my wife I wanted to get revenge for the assualt, but she calmed me down and assured me it Kuwait.
Hunting gone wrong
Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He's not breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls 911.
I think my friend is dead! he yells. What can I do?
The operator says, Calm down. First, let's make sure he's dead.
There's a silence, then a shot. Back on the phone, the guy says, OK, now what?
