Calm Jokes

165 calm jokes and hilarious calm puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about calm that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

Find out how to keep calm and use clever jokes to defuse a tense situation. Learn how to keep your composure in the face of a gun shot, and how to stay quiet without feeling awkward. Discover the power of clever jokes to help you keep your cool and stay in control.

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Funniest Calm Short Jokes

Short calm jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The calm humour may include short quiet jokes also.

  1. This girl said she would go out with me if I knew a six letter word that's a synonym for "calm". I said, "It's sedate."
  2. Surgeon: "Stay calm John, it's just a little cut with a scalpel, no need to be nervous." Patient: "Thanks Doc, but I'm not John"
    surgeon: "I know, I am"
  3. A man and a woman are lying in bed late night... ...and the woman asks her man: "Honey, do you prefer smart or pretty women?" and the man responds calmly: "Neither, baby, I prefer you."
  4. A guy barges into a psychiatrist's office, and screams... "Doctor! I have suicidal tendencies! What do I do?!"
    The doctor calmly answers "Pay me in advance"
  5. Two monkeys entered a bath. Monkey 1: Oooh oooh oooh aaah aaah aaah
    Monkey 2: Calm down, it isn't that hot
  6. I saw my girlfriend with another guy at the mall. I was about to confront them but I managed to calm myself down. That wouldn't be a good example to set in front of my wife and kids.
  7. If you ever get locked out of your house, talk to your lock calmly. Because communication is key.
  8. Even now, all this time later, we have to remain calm about the Net Neutrality thing... Paying additional money to access certain sites will give you a sense of pride and accomplishment.
  9. I think I'm shrinking! A man rushed into the doctor's office and shouted, "Doctor! I think I'm shrinking!"
    The doctor calmly responded, "Now, settle down. You'll just have to be a little patient."
  10. If you ever get locked out Sit down and talk to the lock calmly,
    Because communication is key.

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Calm One Liners

Which calm one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with calm? I can suggest the ones about chill and relax.

  1. Everyone should calm down about that Net Neutrality thing... You guys seem so Ajitated.
  2. Why are Astronauts always so calm? There's no pressure in space.
  3. Why are doctors always calm? They have a lot of patients.
  4. My therapist asked me what I'd feel if I shot someone. "Recoil", I calmly answered.
  5. How do you calm down an astronaut? Give him some space
  6. Attention everyone: there is a national lettuce shortage everyone please romaine calm
  7. Telling a girl to calm down: works about as well as trying to baptize a cat.
  8. Why are skeletons always so calm? Nothing gets under their skin.
  9. There was a fire at an aromatherapy candle factory The situation is now calm.
  10. Apparently there's a lettuce shortage. Hopefully we can all romaine calm.
  11. If you ever get locked outside, talk to your lock calmly Because communication is the key
  12. If you ever get locked out of your house, talk to your lock calmly. Communication is key.
  13. What do you call a Jedi that won't calm down? Panakin Skywalker!
  14. Why are Skeleton's so calm? Because nothing gets under their skin.
  15. What did the cop say to the salad? Everyone romaine calm!

Keep Calm Jokes

Here is a list of funny keep calm jokes and even better keep calm puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • Keeping tropical fish at home can have a truly calming effect on the brain. Due to all the indoor fins.
  • Why does keeping tropical fish in your home have a calming effect on the brain? Because of the indoor fins.
  • I keep having this reoccurring dream Every night I dream I'm constantly changing between being a teepee and a wigwam. I went to the doctor and he told me "Calm down kid, you're two tents.".
  • What did the database admin say when he recovered a corrupted database? Keep calm and query on.
  • If you think you have telekinetic powers like Carrie White's then you should ... Keep calm and NOT Carrie ON ....!
  • One of my friends was struggling with exponents in math class today I told him
    "It's ok, just keep calm and you won't have an exponent-al crisis."
  • Keep Calm and… NO!!!
    If you keep calm, you will never be a Super Saiyan!!!
  • Why can't the cops keep calm and carry on ? Because they carry guns instead
  • Keep Calm And... beat a dead horse.
  • What does Marshawan l**... use to keep himself calm before the big game? Marsh-Mellows

Calm Down Jokes

Here is a list of funny calm down jokes and even better calm down puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • What did a physics teacher say to calm down a student who wanted to jump off the roof? Don't do that, you have so much potential!
  • A guy calls the hospital. He says, "You gotta send help! My wife's going into labor!"
    The nurse says, "Calm down. Is this her first child?"
    He says, "No! This is her husband!"
  • A guy in a public place, phone out, camera on... He approaches a young woman. "What are you doing, creep?" she says. He glances up, smiles, and says "Calm down. I'm just trying to get a Pikachu."
  • They say 'Whale noises' are meant to be calming... but I've been making them for 10 minutes and all the people at Slimming World seem rather angry with me.
  • A man was locked out of his apartment He started talking calmly but firmly to the lock...
    Because end of the day, communication is key.
  • A panic-stricken man explained to his doctor, You have to help me; I think I'm shrinking. Now settle down, the doctor calmly told him. You're just going to have to be a little patient.
  • During an argument with her husband, a wife was just about to calm down. But then her husband asked her to calm down...
  • Calm down about the Net Neutrality thing... Paying additional money to access certain sites will give you a sense of pride and accomplishment.
  • My therapist said that I should do whatever I find enjoyable and calming. Now there is blood everywhere.
  • My ex broke up with me My ex broke up with me because I , apparently , was too immature ...
    I took a deep breath and calmed down.
    Then I went to her house , rang the doorbell and ran away.
Calm joke, My ex broke up with me

Hilarious Calm Jokes for a Fun-Filled Night with Friends

What funny jokes about calm you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean peace and quiet jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make calm pranks.

Did you pay the VISA bill?

A man and a woman end up on a deserted island. He is desperate and cries:" oh, honey we're gonna die so young. Nobody will ever find us here!!!" She is very calm and relaxed. "Don't panic , dear, we'll be OK in few hours, I forgot to pay our VISA bill, the'll find us, don't worry"

Two hunters

Two hunters were out walking in the woods when suddenly one of them collapses and falls to the ground. The other hunter calls 911 and says "Help! My friend collapsed and died! What can I do?". The 911-operator replies "Calm down, I can help you. First, let's make sure he's really dead". There's a silence and then a gunshot. The hunter gets back on the phone and says "Ok, now what?"

A man and his wife are having s**......

...when their ten year old son walks in on them. The son screams, "OH MY GOD!" and then runs out of the room. The father laughs and says to give the son a few minutes to calm down, and then he'll explain what was going on.
A few minutes later, the father walks into his sons room to find him having s**... with his grandmother. The man screams, "OH MY GOD!"
"Yeah," his son says, "It's not so funny when it's your mother, is it?"

Lady barges into radio shack

She grabs at the nearest employee and exclaims:
"I need a pack of double A batteries RIGHT NOW!"
The employee, flustered, replies: "All right, stay calm and just ... come this way", as he gestures her to follow him with a wave of his fingers.
She yells "If I could do that, I wouldn't need the batteries!"

Two guys were out hunting. . .

Two guys are out hunting and while they were walking one of them grabs his chest and falls forward
Panicked the other guy calls 911 and says I think my friend is dead . . .
The operator says "ok calm down first lets make sure he is dead."
It goes silent on the hunters end and then you hear a gunshot. . .
The guy gets on the phone and says "okay, now what?"

Doctor's orders for more peace in your life

A doctor on TV said that in order to have inner peace in our lives after this election, we should always finish things we start. Since we all could use more calm in our lives, I looked around my house to find things I'd started and hadn't finished.
I finished a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of Chardonnay, a bodle of Baileys, a butle of wum, tha mainder of Valiuminun scriptins, an a box a choclutz. Yu has no idr how fablus I feel rite now.

An old lady gets into an accident with a midget...

...he gets out of the car, obviously furious, and stomps toward the old woman. "I am *not* happy," he growls.
The old woman, calm as can be, says:
"Well, which one are you, then?"

Funniest joke of all time...according to Wikipedia...thought I share.

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps, "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says "Calm down. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a gun shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says "OK, now what?"[

This is the worst joke I've ever told, and I think it's hilarious. Am I really alone?

A woman bursts into a doctor's office and says, "Doctor! I'm having a panic attack!"
The doctor looks at her and says, "Calm down."

A guy run up to me and started yelling,

"I'm a teepee! I'm a wigwam!"
I said, "Calm down, man. You're too tense."

Pilot Choice

As the crowded airliner is about to take off, the peace is shattered by a five-year-old boy who picks that moment to throw a wild temper tantrum. No matter what his frustrated, embarrassed mother does to try to calm him down, the boy continues to scream furiously and kick the seats around him. Suddenly, from the rear of the plane, an elderly man in the uniform of an Air Force General is seen slowly walking forward up the aisle. Stopping the flustered mother with an upraised hand, the white-haired, courtly, soft-spoken General leans down and, motioning toward his chest, whispers something into the boy's ear.
Instantly, the boy calms down, gently takes his mother's hand, and quietly fastens his seat belt.
All the other passengers burst into spontaneous applause. As the General slowly makes his way back to his seat, one of the cabin attendants touches his sleeve.
"Excuse me, General," she asks quietly, "but could I ask you what magic words you used on that little boy?"
The old man smiles serenely and gently confides, "I showed him my pilot's wings, service stars, and battle ribbons, and explained that they entitle me to throw one passenger out the plane door, on any flight I choose."

Three men and a parachute

So, a norwegian, a danish and a swedish person are on a private flight. Suddenly, the pilot turns on the speaker and says:
"The plane is malfunctioning and is going to c**.... There's three parachutes, and I'm going to take one. You're going to have to figure out who doesn't get one".
He then proceeds to jump out of the plane.
The three men panic, but the norwegian tells the others to calm down and then says to the swedish person: "Here. You take one, we'll figure out who gets the last one." And the swedish jumps.
The norwegian then turns to the danish person and says: "Let's grab the chutes and get out of this thing."
The danish says, very confused:" But you just gave the second to last parachute to that swedish guy? There's only one left now."
To which the norwegian replies: "Relax man, I gave him my backpack."

Conversation between a 911 operator and a hunter

"911, what's your emergency?"
"My friend and I went hunting and he got attacked by a bear, I managed to scare it away, but I think my friend is dead"
"OK, stay calm. First, make sure he is dead"
*Gun shot*
"He is. Now what?"

Horror at the zoo

A man is at the zoo with his family. Suddenly a flustered employee comes up and says
*Sir, sir! There's been a terrible accident!*
The man responds, *What happened?*
*Your mother-in-law fell into the alligator pool!*
The man, supremely calm, says to the worker, *Not my problem! You try to save those alligators.*


Husband: "Hello, Yes, there's this Hindu fellow who's been following my wife around for the past few hours, and it's starting to really creep us out. He just now got down on his knees and he's... praying, or something."
911 Operator: "Sir, calm down, there's no issue here- Hindus are well known to worship cows."

A blonde's house catches on fire..

She starts freaking out and finally calls 911. She exclaims, "my house is on fire come as fast as you can!" The operated says, "Okay, calm down and tell me how do we get to your house?", the blonde then replies arrogantly and annoyed, "Well duh, in the big red truck!"

Mother superior is doing the orientation ...

of the new nun. The neighbourhood is rough and so she thought she would put some hypotheticals. "What would you do if you were walking alone at night and got cornered by a man on who demanded to have s**... with you?"
"Well, I would ask him to drop his pants." replied the new nun coolly
Flabbergasted the Mother pressed "And what then?"
"Well, then I would hike up my habit above my knees." replied the nun, still calm.
Aghast at this the Mother could not but ask "And what then?"
"Well, I would start running. I can run a lot faster with my habit hiked up than the man whose trousers are at his ankles."

My wife has this mood ring...

It turns green when she's happy, blue when she's calm, and when she's angry it leaves a big red mark right on my forehead.

A guy calls 911

"Send an ambulance! My wife's having a baby!"
"Just calm down down", says the operator, "Is this her first baby?"
"No it's her husband you idiot!"

Turning into stone

There were two boys taking a walk through the woods. They eventually cam upon a nice calm river. While they are enjoying the view they notice a woman standing in the n**..., bathing. Immediately after seeing her one of the boys runs back through the woods. The other boy chased him and when he catches up he asks,"Why did you run away from the river?" The boy replies,"My mom said that if I stare at n**... women I will turn into stone and I felt something getting hard!"

so many poor jokes, where to begin?

A brunette, a blonde and a redhead, all heavily pregnant, are waiting for a scan; the brunette says 'I was on top, so I'm going to have a bay', the redhead responds with 'I was on the bottom, so I'm going to have a girl', at which point the blonde bursts into tears. The other two manage to calm her down, and ask what is wrong? 'I'm going to have puppies!'

Two hunters are in the woods...

Two hunters were in the woods, when one collapsed. He didn't seem to be breathing. The other called the emergency number and said, "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator said, "Calm down, I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." After a second of silence on the hunter's end, the operator heard a gunshot. The hunter came back on the phone and said, ""OK, now what?"

An Emergency Call Centre operator has been fired...

An Emergency Call Centre operator has been fired in Bradford
It seems that a caller dialed 999 from a mobile phone stating, "I am depressed and lying on a railway line so that when the train comes I can finally meet my maker."
To which the call centre employee replied, "Remain calm and stay on the line."

The Prescription

A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, "I would like to buy some cyanide." The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?" The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband." The pharmacist's eye got big and he exclaimed, "Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband. That's against the law! I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!" The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife. The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well now, that's different. You didn't tell me you had a prescription."

There are two hunters

Suddenly one of them collapses. He appears not to be breathing and his eyes glaze over. The other hunter panics and 911. The hunter says "I think my friend is dead! What do I do?" The operator says "Calm down. First, make sure he's dead." A gunshot is heard on the other line. The hunter says, "Okay now what.?"

A man is taking his son for a walk...

A man takes his son for a walk in his carriage. As he pushes him along, the baby is screaming and crying.
He says "Calm down, Carl."
The baby continues to cry and make a scene.
"It's going to be okay, Carl," the father murmurs.
After a while, a woman approaches and starts speaking to him.
"You must really care about your son Carl to take him on a walk to calm him down."
"No, I'm Carl."

The Garden of Eden

A Brit, a Frenchman and a Russian are viewing a painting of Adam and Eve frolicking in the Garden of Eden.
"Look at their reserve, their calm," muses the Brit. "They must be British."
"Nonsense," the Frenchman disagrees. "They're n**..., and so beautiful. Clearly, they are French."
"No clothes, no shelter," the Russian points out, "they have only an apple to eat, and they're being told this is paradise. Clearly, they are Russian."


Husband asking the wife:
-Darling, do you want to come with me to the gym?
*-Are you saying I'm fat??*
-No, I was just thinking that we should maybe...
*-Are you saying I'm lazy??*
-No, no! Calm down, I didn't say that..
*-Why, you think I'm hysterical??*
-No, I wasn't saying that..
*-So you are calling me a liar now??*
-God no! You know what, I go alone then.
*-Wait a minute! Why do you want to go alone!?*

Two hunters are out in the woods when one collapses...

He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed.
The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services.
He gasps, "I think my friend is dead! What can I do?"
The operator says "Calm down. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead."
There is a silence, then a gun shot is heard.
Back on the phone, the guy says "OK, now what?"

Two hunters are strolling through the woods ...

When suddenly, one of them gasps, grabs hit chest, and collapses on the floor, eyes open and non-responsive.
In a panic, the other hunter dials 911: "I think my friend is dead! What can I do?!"
"Sir, please calm down. First of all, lets make sure he's dead"
There is a silence, and then a gunshot is heard
"Okay, so now what?"

Make sure that she is really dead

A doctor gets a phone call from his best friend, and the frantic voice at the other end says "God, oh God, my wife's dead! I shot her! What do I do!?" The doc tells his friend to calm down. "OK, now the first thing is, you have to be sure that she's really dead." He hears silence at the other end, then a single gunshot. "OK, what now?!"

I'm too calm to be a dermatologist.

I refuse to make rash decisions.

A woman gives birth to a girl and a boy but falls into a coma for a few months.

After she wakes up the doctor says "stay calm. You fell into a coma after having twins. Your brother came to pick them up and even name them."
The mother is worried "Oh no my Brother is terrible with names!"
The doctor says "He named the girl Denise"
The mother looks relieved "well that's not so bad. What did he name the boy?"

An American, a Briton, and a North Korean look at a picture of Adam and Eve

An American, a Briton, and a North Korean look at a picture of Adam and Eve in the garden of Eden and try to figure out what nationality they are.
The American says, "Look at how free and independent they are, they must be Americans."
The Briton says, "What are you talking about, look at how calm and reserved they are, the are obviously British."
The North Korean says, "You two are both missing the point. They have no clothes, no shelter, they only have and apple to eat between them and yet they are being told that they live in paradise. They're clearly North Korean."


p**... goes to the vet with his goldfish. I think it's got epilepsy he tells the vet.
Vet takes a look and says It seems calm enough to me .
p**... says, I haven't taken it out of the bowl yet.


An elderly Floridian called 911 on her cell phone to report that her car has been broken into. She is hysterical as she explains her situation to the dispatcher: "They've stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the brake pedal and even the accelerator!
" she cried. The dispatcher said, "Stay calm. An officer is on the way."

A few minutes later, the officer radios in.
"Disregard," he says. She got in the back-seat by mistake."

A blonde, a brunette and a redhead are in a maternity ward, waiting to give birth.

The brunette says, "I think I'm having a boy because when we conceived, my husband was on top".
The redhead smiles and says, "in that case, I'm having a girl. I'm always on top!"
At this, the blonde starts crying hysterically. The other two calm her down and ask her what's wrong.
"I'm having puppies!" she sobs

Man walks into a psychologists office and says "Doc. You gotta help Me! I'm having these terrible dreams!"

Doc asks the guy "what happens in these bad dreams?"
The guy says "Sometimes I'm a teepee, then I'm a wigwam, then a teepee, then a wigwam, teepee, wigwam, teepee, wigwam. It's all night! I can't take it!"
Doc says "you've got to calm down. You're too tense."

The kid runs up to a policeman

"Officer!" yells the kid, "My father is in a fight with another man!"
The officer says "Calm down kid, where is he?"
"He's right around the corner!" exclaims the kid.
The cop follows him around the corner, and sure enough, there's two men going at it as hard as they can.
"Which one is your father?" asks the cop
"I don't know!" cries the kid. "That's what they're fighting about!"

A man cheats with his wife's sister

Man: Calm down! You haven't heard my side of the story!
Wife: You slept with my sister!
Man: When i got to work she was just laying there n**... on my table! What was I supposed to do?!
Wife: The autopsy!
PS: Didnt make this up

Two men are out hunting when one of them suddenly drops dead

Two men are out hunting when one of them suddenly drops dead. He calls 911 immediately. The operator says "Can I help you sir?"
The man replies "I think my friend is dead! Get an ambulance! What should I do?"
The operator replies "Okay, calm down sir. First we have to make sure he is dead."
There is silence, then a gun shot, then the man comes back on "Okay, what now?"

A blonde walks in on her boyfriend cheating on her

She pulls out a gun and says: I'm done with you!
Boyfriend: Calm down, calm down. We can settle this with words.
The blonde puts the gun to her head
Boyfriend: What do you think you're doing?
Blonde: Don't worry, you're next.

Trump, Putin, and Kim Jong Un are walking through the jungle

They all trip and fall into a pit of quicksand. A sign next to the pit reads, "the more you lie, the faster you sink." Kim Jong Un is up to his neck, and Putin is at his waist. Trump appears to be perfectly calm and not sinking at all. Putin asks how this is possible. Trump replies, "I'll be alright. I'm standing on Sean Spicer."

A man calls the hospital and yells that her wife is in labour...

The nurse tells him to calm down and asks "Is this her first child?" to which the man replies "NO THIS IS HER HUSBAND!"

Two hunters are out in the forest when one of them collapses

Two hunters are out in the forest when one of them collapses. The other one calls '911' and the operator answers.
"This is 911, what is your emergency?" she says.
"Uh... My friend is dead I don't know what to do!" the man replies.
"Ok, calm down. Firstly, you gotta make sure he actually is dead", the woman says.
"Fine, give me 1 second"
*Gunshot fired*
"Ok, what now?" the man asks.

Two men are walking in the woods...

...all of a sudden, one of them collapses. The other man dials 911 and says, "Help! I think my friend is dead!" The operator responds, "Sir, calm down. First of all, we need to make sure he is dead." There is a minute of silence and a loud thud before the man responds, "Okay, now what?"

A Native American walks into an Old West saloon followed shortly by a bear

The patrons freeze in fear, and the saloonkeeper points to the native American man and whispers "There's a bear right behind you!"
The Native American man holds up a calm hand and says, "I can explain. Bear with me."

An old lady visits her doctor...

...and says to him:
"Doctor, I have a problem. I keep f**... all day long, luckily they don't smell and are dead silent, can you do something to make it stop?"
"Take these pills and come back after a week for a checkup."
One week later she comes by and says:
"Doctor! Not only didn't the f**... stop, but now they are smelly as a landfill!"
The doctor replies:
"Calm down, miss. I cured your sense of smell, now to do something about that hearing."

My boss said I "lacked courage" so I walked out...

Got a coffee to calm down and returned to my desk.

A Briton, a Frenchman, and a Russian are standing and staring at a portrait of Adam and Eve...

"Look at their calm, their reserve" says the Briton. "Surely they must be British!"
"Nonsense!" Replies the Frenchman. "They are beautiful. Surely they must be French!"
The Russian finally speaks, "they have no clothes, no shelter, only an apple to eat, and are being told this is paradise. They are Russian."

"911, what's your emergency?"

*"Me and my friend were out hunting and... I accidentally shot him and now he's dead!"*
"Alright, sir, calm down. Now, we need to be sure he's actually dead before we do anything else."
*"Okay, what next?"*

There's a lot of anger out there about the mlk speech/Dodge Ram Superbowl ad...

Kylie Jenner should hand out some Pepsi to calm things down.

Husband: Honey, how do you stay so calm even after I shout at you and belittle you?

Wife: I have this amazing technique that always helps me calm down.
Husband: Really!? How does it work?
Wife: It's nothing big... I just clean the toilet.
Husband: (laughing) Wow, you really are an idiot! How does that calm you down?
Wife: Because I use your toothbrush!

Two hunters are in the woods, suddenly one of them drops to the ground.

The other one quickly decides to phone the emergency services.
"911, what is your emergency?"
"Help me! I'm in the forest and my friend just died!"
"Calm down sir, first, can you make sure he's dead?"
"Okay, what do I do now?"

Our grandpa was running away from the operation theater ...

We stopped him and asked what was wrong.
He replied that the nurses in the operation theater were saying "Don't worry, everything will be alright, we are all with you" and that made him uncomfortable.
We said "They were trying to calm you down. This is common. They probably say this to all the patients before the surgery"
Our grandpa took a deep breath, looked deep into my eyes and said "They were telling that to the surgeon"

Two hunters are in a forest when, all of sudden, a venomous snake jumps and bites one of them in the groin.

His friend, desperate, calls 911.
"Help me! My friend got bitten by a snake!"
"Calm down, sir! First of all, you must find the location of the bite and s**... the poison out. Can you do that?"
The bitten friend asks: "So? What did they say?"
"They said you'll die, dude."

I murdered the pizza delivery man for messing up my order and had to cover it up.

I ordered another pizza to calm my nerves and the second delivery man noticed the body, so I had to kill him too. Now I feel even more nervous so I ordered yet another pizza. I think it's starting to become a domino effect.

A man calls the hotel front desk

"Hello how I may I be of assistance sir?"
"Calm down Sir, what seems to be the problem?"
"My wife is trying to jump out of the window..."
"Oh that sounds like a personal matter, I'm afraid we cannot involve ourselves."
"Listen here you smartass, the window isn't opening up and that's a maintenance matter!"

Two boys are camping in the woods when one of them collapses

He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other boy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services.
He gasps, "My friend is dead! What can I do?"
The operator says, "Calm down. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead."
There is a brief silence when a sound like an axe hitting a watermelon is heard.
Back on the phone, the boy says, "OK, now what?

Remain Calm :)

An Emergency Call Centre worker has been fired in Toronto much to the dismay of her colleagues, who were unhappy with her dismissal.
It seems that a caller dialled 911 from a cell phone stating, "I am depressed and lying on a railway line so that when the train comes I can finally meet Allah."
To which the call centre employee replied, "Remain calm and stay on the line

I've been very anxious about being mugged while on holiday in mexico, so I've been taking v**... to calm my nerves.

So far I haven't had any Hispanic attacks.

A Russian, a Frenchman, and an Englishman are in an art museum admiring a painting of Adam and Eve in the gardens of Eden.

The Englishman takes a look at the painting and says "They look so calm, they must be British!" The Frenchmen responds "no no! They're n**..., so beautiful, they must be French!" The Russian says "They have no food, no shelter, nothing but an apple to eat, and they are being told this is paradise? ...They're clearly Russian!"
(Whole thing done in thick fake accents)

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses.

He's not breathing so his friend calls 911. 'My friend is dead! What should I do?" The operator replies, "Calm down sir, first make sure that he's really dead." There's a silence, then a loud bang. Back on the phone, the guy says, "Ok, now what?"

My doctor has the best bedside manner.

During my last prostate exam, he kept me calm by putting both of his hands on my shoulders

Two men are hunting in the woods...

Andy and Ed are off hunting on a hot summer's day, when all of a sudden Ed collapses, seizing and foaming at the mouth. Andy panics and instantly whips out his phone to call 911.
"I think my friend is dead!" Andy frantically yells into the phone.
"Ok, calm down sir. Let's take this one step at a time. First, let's make sure he's actually dead."
There's a silence, then two shots are heard. Back on the phone, Andy says, "Ok, now what?"

Calm joke, Two men are hunting in the woods...

jokes about calm