Calls Jokes

Guess who woke up with 20 missed calls from his ex?

My ex.

A little boy calls his best friend on Christmas day...

HEY! So what did you get for Christmas? The second little boy pauses and says well I got a gift card and a t-shirt…you?

The first little boy excitedly replies Oh man, I got a new scooter, a new 3DS XL. A PS Vita. A new bike and were going to Disneyland on Friday. Can't believe all you got was a gift card and t-shirt! to which the second little boy replies well…at least I don't have cancer…

Sick day.

A man calls his boss and tells him he won't be coming in to work today because he's not feeling well. The boss says, "Well we really need you today. Whenever I'm feeling sick I tell my wife to give me a b**.... Works every time. Why don't you try that and then see how you feel."

He calls back an hour later and says, "Just letting you know, I'm on my way to work. I feel great now. And by the way, you have a nice house."

Funniest joke of all time...according to Wikipedia...thought I share.

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps, "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says "Calm down. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a gun shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says "OK, now what?"[

A factory owner is trying to come up with innovative ideas to save money and therefor save his business from going under.

The owner calls a meeting with all of his 200 employees out on the plant floor.
"Ok everyone, we are in deep trouble. I will give $2000 dollars to the first person that comes to me with a cost saving idea."
Immediately a guy in the front row shoots up his hand.
Owner says "Yes, Barry. That was fast, what's your cost saving plan?"

Barry says "make it $1000".

Four men are watching a juggler...

An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard, and a German are watching a man do some juggling on the street. The juggler notices that the men can't see very well, and stands on some boxes.
"Can you all see me now?" He calls
"Yes."
"Oui."
"Sí."
"Ja."

As she watches the news, an elderly woman calls her husband in concern.

She knows he is driving home, so she calls his cell phone.

"Dear, please be careful on the road today! I just heard on the radio that there is a driver going the wrong way down the highway."

Her husband replies, "Oh, it's not just one. There are hundreds of them!"

A man with a stutter is visiting the doctor....

A man with a stutter is visiting the doctor.

"How's the stutter?", asks the doctor.

"It's g-getting better. My mate calls me D-Donkey," replies the man.

"Any idea why?" The doctor asks.

"No, but he aw he aw he aw he always calls me that."

A woman astronaut..

A woman astronaut calls her base:
-Houston we have a problem.
-What is it?
-Nothing...

Bros v. h**...

A woman doesn't come home one night. The next day she tells her husband that she had slept over at a girlfriend's house.
The husband calls his wife's 10 best friends. None of them know anything about it.

A man doesn't come home one night. The next day he tells his wife that he had slept over at a friend's house. The wife calls her husband's 10 best men friends. Eight of them confirm that he had slept over, and two claim that he was still there.

Poker is like s**...

If you don't have a good partner, you better have a good hand

Edit 1: when you cheat in poker you have a partner

Edit 2: this is getting more upvotes than I thought it would get but before someone calls me out on it. This was a Mae West quote about bridge and several Internet memes put poker instead of bridge because more people play poker than bridge and when you cheat in poker you have partners(the poker strategy is called collusion)

A guest calls the front desk of a hotel:

and says my wife wants to commit s**... by jumping out of the window.

The receptionist: sir, this is a private matter. Please call the cops.

Guest: no. i need a maintenance guy. Your window doesnt open.

Chinese Sick Day

h**... Chow calls in to work and say,

"Hey boss, I no come work today, I very sick. Got headache, stomach ache, and legs hurt. I no come work today"

The boss says, "You know something h**... Chow, I really need you today. When I get sick like you do, I go to my wife and ask for s**.... That make everything better and I go to work. You try that."

Two hours later h**... Chow calls again and says,

"I try what you say and I feel great! I be at work soon. You have really nice house by the way!"

h**... dies and God calls him

After h**... dies, God calls him in His office. When he gets there, God asks "if I gave you the possibility to live another life, what would you do?"

h**... answers "I'd kill all the Jews and twelve Eskimos".

God promptly asks "Why the Eskimos?".

"See, not even you care about Jews!"

David Hasselhoff calls his Agent and demands, "I want everyone to call me The Hoff from now on."

His Agent says, "Sure. No hassle."

If s**... with three people is called a t**... and s**... with four people is called a f**..., I guess now it's clear why everyone calls me handsome.

A female nudist calls for a taxi

The taxi stops and the driver scans her from head to toe, with big bold eyes.

At this the nudist erupts: Haven't you seen a n**... girl before?

Driver : It's not about that, I'm just wondering where have you kept the money to pay me..

I had a job interview...

...the interviewer slid his laptop across the table and said "sell this to me."

I closed the screen, unplugged it, and left.

I ignored his calls for about three hours. When I did answer, he said "Where is my laptop?!"

"You wanna buy it?"

Do you think Charlie Sheen admitted to being h**... positive on national television...

because it was easier than making phone calls?

A mummy calls a restauraunt.

- Hello, I'd like to reserve a table for the pharaoh Sakhrakhotep I.
- Could you spell it out, please?
- Of course. Bird, two triangles, wavy line, the sun, bird again, jackal's head and a scarab.

Mom finds a large number of b**... magazines beneath her sons bed.

Calls her husband up to the room to show him and discuss.
"What do you think we should do?" she asks.
Father frowns and responds "Well I guess spanking him is out of the question"

Woman calls 911 about a peeping tom in her yard

911: "How do you know he's a peeping tom?"

Woman: "When I asked him what he was doing out there, he said 'I was trying to get a pikachu'".

What's in a name?

A pregnant woman lapses into a coma. She awakens and frantically calls for her doctor. "You had twins, a boy and a girl. They're fine," he says. "Your brother named them."

Oh, no, the new mother thinks. He's an idiot. Expecting the worst, she asks, "What's the girl's name?"

"Denise," the doctor says.

Not bad, she thinks. I guess I was wrong about him. "And the boy?"

"DeNephew."

Trump calls Angela Merkel's office...

Trump calls Angela Merkel's office. Secretary answers.

Trump: What's the time difference between Washington and Berlin ?

Secretary: Just a second, Mr. President…

Trump: Thanks

Chinese man calls in sick

h**... Chow calls in work and say, "Hey, I no come work today. I really sick, got headache, stomach ache and legs hurt, I no come to work."

The boss says, "You know what h**..., I really need you today. When I feel sick like you do, I go to my wife and ask her for s**.... That makes everything better and I go to work. You try that."

Two hours later h**... Chow calls again. "I do what you say and I feel great. I be at work soon. You got nice house."

They say Kim Jong Un has read every single book

That must be why everyone calls him the supreme reader

A beautiful blonde woman approaches a pharmacist and asks, "Do you have extra large condoms?"

The pharmacist replies, "Yes, isle 11."

The blonde goes to the isle. But about 30 minutes later she is still looking at the condoms. The pharmacist calls over to her, "Do you need some help?"

The woman replies, "No, I'm just waiting for somebody to buy some."

My friend said he is 25% Puerto Rican...

So he calls him self a Quarto Rican.

A blonde is working on a puzzle...

She calls her husband over and says, "This is the hardest jigsaw puzzle I've ever seen in my whole life!"

The husband responds, "What do you mean, honey?"

She says, "Well there's a picture of a tiger on the box, but looking at all these pieces, I don't see how in the world this is going to ever make picture of a tiger."

The husband says, "That's alright honey, let's just put all the cereal back in the box."

Every cook has a secret

The Admiral was visiting one of his ships. When having tea he noticed that every biscuit has the ship's insignia embossed on it.

He is impressed and calls the cook to ask him how he does this.

Cook: When rolling the biscuits I slap each one onto my belt buckle before putting them in the oven.

Admiral: That's pretty unhygienic.

Cook: In that case sir, I'd suggest you skip the doughnuts.

If someone calls you a nobody, just remember

Nobody's perfect.

I've lost 7lbs this week.

Or as my girlfriend calls it, "the baby".

A lady calls her butler into her room and says, "Jeeves, take off my dress"

He casually says, "Yes, Madam", and removes the dress. Then she says, "Jeeves, take off my underwear". Again, he says, "Yes, Madam" and removes the undergarment. She then says, "Jeeves, take off my bra". Again, with no hesitation he says, "Yes, Madam" and removes the bra. Then she says, "Now out of my sight! If I ever catch you wearing my clothes again, you're fired!"

Jack calls an ambulance for his friend who has been hit by a car

The operator asks for his location.

Jack says I'm outside 28 Eucalyptus Road .

The operator knows there is no room for error and for clarity asks, "How do you spell that?"

There's shuffling and sounds of straining at the other end of the phone. Jack? says the operator, concerned. More shuffling and grunting.

Sorry about that says Jack. I just dragged him 'round to 1 Oak Street

Three young boys are exploring the woods near a river

One of the boys is crouched behind a rock and is looking at something.
He calls the other two over to look with him.
In the river is a beautiful n**... woman bathing.
One of the boys immediately starts running in the other direction screaming.
What's wrong? Says one boy.
My mom told me if I ever saw a n**... woman I would turn to stone! He says And something's already turning hard!

A guy looking to get fired calls his boss and says, Hey boss, what's the difference between your daughter and tomorrow?

I'm not coming in tomorrow.

When I drink alcohol, people call me alcoholic. But when I drink fanta, no one calls me

or texts me, I'm so lonely, pls help.

A guy phones up his Boss, but gets the bosses' wife instead: "I'm afraid he died last week," she explains.

The next day the man calls again and asks for the boss. "I told you," the wife replies, "he died last week." The day after he calls again and once more asks to speak to his boss. By this time the wife is getting upset and shouts: "I'VE ALREADY TOLD YOU TWICE, MY HUSBAND, YOUR BOSS, DIED LAST WEEK! WHY DO YOU KEEP CALLING?"

"Cos" He replies laughing, "I just love hearing it..."

An elderly man thinks his wife is losing her hearing so he calls their doctor.

The doctor tells him "We need to figure out how bad her hearing is. Using a normal tone, talk to her at various distances until she can hear you."

That night the man decides to try this. He estimates he is sitting about 30 feet from his wife and asks her, "What's for dinner?"

He hears nothing so he moves a little closer; about 20 feet away. He asks her again, "What's for dinner?" Still nothing.

Finally, he gets right next to her and asks, "What's for dinner?"

She finally hears him and responds "For the third time, chicken!"

Four catholic ladies are talking about how important there sons are. (Long)

The first one tells her friends my son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father.'

The second Catholic woman chirps, while my son is a bishop, when he walks into a room, people say, 'Your Grace.'

The third Catholic woman says smugly, Well, not to put you down, but my son is a cardinal. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, 'Your Eminence.'

The fourth Catholic woman sips her coffee in silence. The first three women give her a subtle well.....?

She replies, My son is a charismatic, 6'2 , hard-bodied male stripper. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, My God.

If someone calls you Fat, just ignore them.

You are bigger than that!

Soviet Curfew

A man in Moscow is walking home after his day at work and he walks past a security checkpoint. One of the guards calls to him and tells him to stop, but he takes off running. The guard raises his rifle, takes aim, and shoots him dead in the street. The other guard stares at him.

What did you do that for? he asks.

Curfew violation, the other guard says.

Curfew violation? Curfew isn't for another half hour!

I know. That's my friend. I know where he lives. He never would have made it.

A blonde accidentally kills a cop and calls the police:

- Hello, is this 911?
- Yes, what is your emergency?
- I called to inform you that you're 910 now.

My boss calls me "the computer"

Nothing to do with intelligence,
I go to sleep if left unattended for 15 minutes

EDIT thank you all so much this is my first ever post to hit 1k upvotes and get awards
2nd edit wow 3k this post has blown out my previous record of 789 out of the water thank you so much

A man crosses the Mexican border seeking better living conditions for his family.

Then his constituency calls for him to resign as a senator from Texas.

My boss calls me "The computer"

Not because of my calculation skills but because I go to sleep when left unattended for 15 minutes.

2 guys walk into a bar

"Hey donkey get the beers in" shouts o**... to the other.

The man walks up to the barman and stutters " two bee... two bee... two beers please?" the barman starts to pour the mans beer when the guys friend shouts "Donkey! get me some nuts too"

The man stood at the bar says to the barman " two pa... two pa.. two packets of nuts too please"

The barman says to the guy "That's a bit mean, why does he call you donkey?" and the man replies "It's OK, He aw... he aw.. he always calls me that"

After 65 years of marriage, my grandpa still calls grandma "honey", "sweetie", "baby", and "sugar". I asked him for the secret to keep love alive so long.

He said "i forgot her name 10 years ago, and I'm afraid to ask."

A proud father has six children.

He always calls his wife "Mother of Six," to her displeasure.
One night at a party, he yells across the room, "Mother of six, we're leaving now."

She replies, "Be right with you, father of four."

So these three lawyers are zooming along a country road and they get into an accident with a gravedigger.

So the gravedigger pulls himself out of his car and he's okay, but the lawyers are kind of messed up, so he buries them, right there, and walks into town and calls the Sheriff. 'Sheriff,' he says, 'terrible accident I just had. Three lawyers in it, they was all dead, so I buried them.' Sheriff says, "What?
You went ahead and buried them already? Are yousure they was dead?' Gravedigger says reluctantly,
"Well, they said they wasn't, but you know how those fellas lie.

2 wives go on a girls night out

On the way home they both need the toilet, so decide to stop at a graveyard, but they have nothing to wipe with.

The first takes off her p**... and uses them, while the other takes a wreath and uses that.

The next day, one of their husbands calls the other and says:

"No more girls nights out. My wife came home with no p**.... "

The other husband says:

"Thats nothing. Mine came home with a card in her crack that said 'from all of us at the fire station, we will never forget you. "

A group of police officers are sitting outside a woman's house after she murdered her husband

One calls dispatch and says "we got a woman armed with a knife in here and she just killed her husband."

Dispatch says "do you know why she killed her husband?"

The officer replies "yeah, she told him not to step on the floor right after she mopped, and he stepped on it anyway"

Dispatch asks "well do you have her in custody yet?"

"No not yet" the officer says

Dispatch says "Why not?"

The officer hesitates for a moment, then finally replies "well the floor still looks wet"

2 Russians are robbing a bank...

2 Russians are robbing a bank... Everything went successful, quickly and silently. However, before existing the bank, one Russian stops another one: "Hey, what kind of a robbery is it if no one got injured or killed?"

Russian 2: "You're right, kill that woman that's sitting over there!"

Russian 1 (to the woman): "What's your name?"

Woman: "Sofia"

Russian 1 (to Russian 2): "I can't kill her... My wife has the same name..."

Russian 2: "Then kill that kid that's sitting beside her."

Russian 1 (to the kid): "What's your name?"

Kid: "Billy, but everybody calls me Sofia"

You've been warned. It might be a little early in the day for this one.

If s**... with three people is called a t**... and s**... with four people is called a f**..., I guess now it's clear why everyone calls me handsome.

Russell Crowe & Sheryl Crow walk into a bar…

The bartender calls 911, "I need to report an attempted m**...!"

A man calls up the White House and tells the receptionist, "I would like to become the next president of the United States."

The receptionist asks, "What are you, an idiot?"

The man asks, "Why, is it required?"

A Woman Shoots Her Husband For Stepping On The Clean Floor...

A police officer jumps into his squad car and calls the station. I have an interesting case here, he says. A woman shot her husband for stepping on the floor she just mopped. Have you arrested her? asks the sergeant. No, not yet. The floor's still wet.

My Boss calls me 'the computer'

Nothing to do with my intelligence, I go to sleep if left unattended for 15 minutes.

A woman in her 90s calls her doctor and asks:

"Doctor, where is the heart?"

To which the doctor replies: "it is at the height of your left n**..."

The elderly woman thanks the man and ends the call.

A new day arrives and the doctor reads the headline of his newspaper

"Elderly woman wants to commit s**..., shoots herself in the knee"

Queen Elizabeth arrives to Heaven ...

St Peter lets her in and gives her a tour around the heavenly garden.


-Here are all your family members, previous pets and people of historical significance during your reign.

Liz looks around this multitude of people who wave at her, smiling. Suddenly she stops and calls St.Peter aside.

-What the F***?, Diana has a bigger halo than me!! I reigned for decades, saw my country trough wars and depressions and wars again, gave god, freedom and peace to nations all around the world, surely I deserve a bigger halo than her!!


-Your Majesty, that is a steering wheel...

After a 2000 year absence, the v**... Mary takes a trip down to earth.

​

After a couple of days, she calls back to heaven. "Hi Peter, this is the v**... Mary. I met a man." Peter says to her, "That's not bad. This is how it is down on earth."

The next day she calls back to heaven. "Hi Peter, this is the v**... Mary. I kissed the man. Is that bad?" Peter says to her, "No, that's part of life on earth."

The next day she calls back to heaven. "Hi Peter, this is Mary."

Two guys out hunting, one has a heart attack and falls dead.

Second guy calls 911.

​

Hunter: My friend just died of a heart attack!

​

Dispatcher: Calm down, first make absolutely sure he's dead.

​

Hunter: Okay hold on... \*BANG\* Okay now what?

A guy walks into a bar waving a p**...

He yells I've got a 7 round magazine and one in the chamber, now I want to know who's been sleeping with my wife!

A guy from the back of the room calls out you're gonna need more ammo!

A man calls quantum IT support and complains that his quantum computer isn't working.

Quantum IT support: "Have you tried turning it off and on at the same time?"

the new maid

A man hires a new maid and calls home to speak to his wife. The maid picks up.

"Is this the maid"

"Yes"

"Well may I speak to my wife?"

"Well....she's in bed with a man"

The husband is furious and tells the maid "I want you to go into my desk, get my gun, and shoot the both of them"

The husband hears the gunshots and the maid returns to the phone, telling him she shot both of them.

The husband says, "Now I want you to take both bodies and throw them into the pool"

The maid says, "What pool???"

The husband says, "Is this 387-6476?"

v**... Mary would like to return to earth once.

God allows it, but only on the condition that she calls heaven every evening. No sooner said than done.
On the first evening, Mary calls Heaven: "This is the v**... Mary. I saw myself a beautiful skirt. May I buy it?" "Yes, you may. But call back tomorrow night."
The second night, "Here's the v**... Mary. I saw such a nice lipstick. Can I buy it?" "Sure, see you tomorrow."
On the third evening: "Here is Mary."

My boss calls me, The Computer but it has nothing to do with my intelligence.

I go to sleep if left unattended for 15 minutes.

A guy opens up a bakery specializing in pies.

He calls it Fool's Gold Bakery. The slogan is We do Pyrite.

What do you call it when an alligator accidentally calls someone?

A pockatdile

A man dies in the widow orders a wreath for the funeral

She opts for simple "Rest in Peace" writing on the ribbon but then after a while she starts thinking that it's too short. So she calls the wreath maker and orders "Please add "I'll see you in Heaven" if there is space left." Happy with herself she hangs up. Then at the funeral she sees the wreath with "Rest in Peace" on one ribbon and "I'll see you in Heaven, if there is any space left" on the other.

A man calls the First National Bank of Texas. The automated voice answers, "Hello, how can I assist you today?" The man says, "Withdrawal"

The automated voice says, "YEEHAW! HOW Y'ALL RECKON I CAN HELP?!"

A woman calls her husband while he's in his way home from work

She says honey, be careful! I just heard in the radio there's some idiot driving the wrong way on the interstate!

The husband responds, one?! There're dozens of em!

A parachutist has just jumped from a plane and his chute doesn't open.

As he is plummetting earthwards and trying to get the parachute to open, he is surprised to see someone heading up towards him. He calls out "Hey! Do you know anything about parachutes?"

"No," says the other. "Do you know anything about gas stoves?"