The Best 75 Calls Jokes

Following is our collection of funny Calls jokes. There are some calls drunk police call jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud.

Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these calls call me maybe puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.

Top 10 of the Funniest Calls Jokes and Puns

Guess who woke up with 20 missed calls from his ex?

My ex.

A guy walks into a bar and sees a sign that reads...

..."Cheese sandwich $3.50. Chicken sandwich $4.50. Handjob $5." He checks his wallet and calls over the waitress. He asks, "Are you the one who does the handjob?"

She smiles at him seductively and says, "I am."

He says, "Well, wash your fuckin' hands. I want a cheese sandwich."

A little boy calls his best friend on Christmas day...

HEY! So what did you get for Christmas? The second little boy pauses and says well I got a gift card and a t-shirt…you?

The first little boy excitedly replies Oh man, I got a new scooter, a new 3DS XL. A PS Vita. A new bike and were going to Disneyland on Friday. Can't believe all you got was a gift card and t-shirt! to which the second little boy replies well…at least I don't have cancer…

Calls joke, A little boy calls his best friend on Christmas day...

Sick day.

A man calls his boss and tells him he won't be coming in to work today because he's not feeling well. The boss says, "Well we really need you today. Whenever I'm feeling sick I tell my wife to give me a blow job. Works every time. Why don't you try that and then see how you feel."

He calls back an hour later and says, "Just letting you know, I'm on my way to work. I feel great now. And by the way, you have a nice house."

A man goes to his Rabbi

"Rabbi, I think my wife is trying to poison me!"

"Very interesting," says the Rabbi. "Let me go and talk to her and see what I can find out."

A few hours later the Rabbi calls the man up.

"I've spent several hours speaking with your wife," he says.

"What should I do?" the man asked.

"Take the poison."


Funniest joke of all time...according to Wikipedia...thought I share.

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps, "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says "Calm down. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a gun shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says "OK, now what?"[

A factory owner is trying to come up with innovative ideas to save money and therefor save his business from going under.

The owner calls a meeting with all of his 200 employees out on the plant floor.
"Ok everyone, we are in deep trouble. I will give $2000 dollars to the first person that comes to me with a cost saving idea."
Immediately a guy in the front row shoots up his hand.
Owner says "Yes, Barry. That was fast, what's your cost saving plan?"

Barry says "make it $1000".

Calls joke, A factory owner is trying to come up with innovative ideas to save money and therefor save his busin

Four men are watching a juggler...

An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard, and a German are watching a man do some juggling on the street. The juggler notices that the men can't see very well, and stands on some boxes.
"Can you all see me now?" He calls
"Yes."
"Oui."
"SΓ­."
"Ja."

As she watches the news, an elderly woman calls her husband in concern.

She knows he is driving home, so she calls his cell phone.

"Dear, please be careful on the road today! I just heard on the radio that there is a driver going the wrong way down the highway."

Her husband replies, "Oh, it's not just one. There are hundreds of them!"

Taste the soup

A guy eating in a restaurant calls the waiter.
-Please taste the soup.

The confused waiter asks:
-Is the soup too hot?
-Just taste the soup...

-Is the soup too cold?
-Taste the soup.

-Is there a fly in the soup?
-Taste the soup!

The waiter, tired of guessing, gives up.
-Alright, alright, I'll taste the soup. Where's the spoon?
-Aha!

A man with a stutter is visiting the doctor....

A man with a stutter is visiting the doctor.

"How's the stutter?", asks the doctor.

"It's g-getting better. My mate calls me D-Donkey," replies the man.

"Any idea why?" The doctor asks.

"No, but he aw he aw he aw he always calls me that."

You can explore calls my so called dog reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean calls dial dad jokes. There are also calls puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.


A woman astronaut..

A woman astronaut calls her base:
-Houston we have a problem.
-What is it?
-Nothing...

Bros v. Hoes

A woman doesn't come home one night. The next day she tells her husband that she had slept over at a girlfriend's house.
The husband calls his wife's 10 best friends. None of them know anything about it.

A man doesn't come home one night. The next day he tells his wife that he had slept over at a friend's house. The wife calls her husband's 10 best men friends. Eight of them confirm that he had slept over, and two claim that he was still there.

Poker is like sex

If you don't have a good partner, you better have a good hand

Edit 1: when you cheat in poker you have a partner

Edit 2: this is getting more upvotes than I thought it would get but before someone calls me out on it. This was a Mae West quote about bridge and several Internet memes put poker instead of bridge because more people play poker than bridge and when you cheat in poker you have partners(the poker strategy is called collusion)

A guest calls the front desk of a hotel:

and says my wife wants to commit suicide by jumping out of the window.

The receptionist: sir, this is a private matter. Please call the cops.

Guest: no. i need a maintenance guy. Your window doesnt open.

Chinese Sick Day

Ho Chow calls in to work and say,

"Hey boss, I no come work today, I very sick. Got headache, stomach ache, and legs hurt. I no come work today"

The boss says, "You know something Ho Chow, I really need you today. When I get sick like you do, I go to my wife and ask for sex. That make everything better and I go to work. You try that."

Two hours later ho Chow calls again and says,

"I try what you say and I feel great! I be at work soon. You have really nice house by the way!"

Calls joke, Chinese Sick Day

A guy calls 911 and says: "I hit a pig on the side of the highway, what do I do?"

The operator replies: "If it's still alive, put it out of its misery."

The operator hears a gunshot and then the man comes back on the phone.

"Done, now what do I do with his motorcycle?"

Hitler dies and God calls him

After Hitler dies, God calls him in His office. When he gets there, God asks "if I gave you the possibility to live another life, what would you do?"

Hitler answers "I'd kill all the Jews and twelve Eskimos".

God promptly asks "Why the Eskimos?".

"See, not even you care about Jews!"

David Hasselhoff calls his Agent and demands, "I want everyone to call me The Hoff from now on."

His Agent says, "Sure. No hassle."


If sex with three people is called a threesome and sex with four people is called a foursome, I guess now it's clear why everyone calls me handsome.

A female nudist calls for a taxi

The taxi stops and the driver scans her from head to toe, with big bold eyes.

At this the nudist erupts: Haven't you seen a naked girl before?

Driver : It's not about that, I'm just wondering where have you kept the money to pay me..

I had a job interview...

...the interviewer slid his laptop across the table and said "sell this to me."

I closed the screen, unplugged it, and left.

I ignored his calls for about three hours. When I did answer, he said "Where is my laptop?!"

"You wanna buy it?"

A drunk guy calls a radio station...

...and tells the RJ,"I found this purse outside Raven's club. It has 1500 dollars in cash, a credit card, an iPhone 6s, and a driving license with Rebecca's name on it."
The RJ asks in an impressed tone,"It was good of you to call us. Do you need my help contacting her so that you can return the purse?"

"No. I just wanted to request a sad song for Rebecca."

Do you think Charlie Sheen admitted to being HIV positive on national television...

because it was easier than making phone calls?

A mummy calls a restauraunt.

- Hello, I'd like to reserve a table for the pharaoh Sakhrakhotep I.
- Could you spell it out, please?
- Of course. Bird, two triangles, wavy line, the sun, bird again, jackal's head and a scarab.

A redneck's father passed away in his sleep

So in the morning, he calls 911 to come pick up the body.

The 911 operator told him that she would send someone out right away.

"Where do you live?" asked the operator.

He replied, "At the end of Eucalyptus Drive."

The operator asked, "Can you spell that for me?

There was a long pause and finally he said, "How 'bout if I drag him over to Oak Street and you pick him up there?"

Mom finds a large number of BDSM magazines beneath her sons bed.

Calls her husband up to the room to show him and discuss.
"What do you think we should do?" she asks.
Father frowns and responds "Well I guess spanking him is out of the question"

Woman calls 911 about a peeping tom in her yard

911: "How do you know he's a peeping tom?"

Woman: "When I asked him what he was doing out there, he said 'I was trying to get a pikachu'".

A Scotsman moves to London

How's the flat you're living in in London, Jock? asks his mother when he calls home to Aberdeen.

It's okay, he replies, but the woman next door keeps screaming and crying all night and the guy on the other side keeps banging his head on the wall.

Never you mind, says his mother, don't you let them get to you, just ignore them.

Aye, that I do, he says, I just keep playing my bagpipes.

What's in a name?

A pregnant woman lapses into a coma. She awakens and frantically calls for her doctor. "You had twins, a boy and a girl. They're fine," he says. "Your brother named them."

Oh, no, the new mother thinks.Β He's an idiot. Expecting the worst, she asks, "What's the girl's name?"

"Denise," the doctor says.

Not bad, she thinks.Β I guess I was wrong about him. "And the boy?"

"DeNephew."

Trump calls Angela Merkel's office...

Trump calls Angela Merkel's office. Secretary answers.

Trump: What's the time difference between Washington and Berlin ?

Secretary: Just a second, Mr. President…

Trump: Thanks

Two men are out hunting when one of them suddenly drops dead

Two men are out hunting when one of them suddenly drops dead. He calls 911 immediately. The operator says "Can I help you sir?"

The man replies "I think my friend is dead! Get an ambulance! What should I do?"

The operator replies "Okay, calm down sir. First we have to make sure he is dead."

There is silence, then a gun shot, then the man comes back on "Okay, what now?"

Chinese man calls in sick

Ho Chow calls in work and say, "Hey, I no come work today. I really sick, got headache, stomach ache and legs hurt, I no come to work."

The boss says, "You know what Ho, I really need you today. When I feel sick like you do, I go to my wife and ask her for sex. That makes everything better and I go to work. You try that."

Two hours later Ho Chow calls again. "I do what you say and I feel great. I be at work soon. You got nice house."

They say Kim Jong Un has read every single book

That must be why everyone calls him the supreme reader

A beautiful blonde woman approaches a pharmacist and asks, "Do you have extra large condoms?"

The pharmacist replies, "Yes, isle 11."

The blonde goes to the isle. But about 30 minutes later she is still looking at the condoms. The pharmacist calls over to her, "Do you need some help?"

The woman replies, "No, I'm just waiting for somebody to buy some."

My friend said he is 25% Puerto Rican...

So he calls him self a Quarto Rican.

A blonde is working on a puzzle...

She calls her husband over and says, "This is the hardest jigsaw puzzle I've ever seen in my whole life!"

The husband responds, "What do you mean, honey?"

She says, "Well there's a picture of a tiger on the box, but looking at all these pieces, I don't see how in the world this is going to ever make picture of a tiger."

The husband says, "That's alright honey, let's just put all the cereal back in the box."

Every cook has a secret

The Admiral was visiting one of his ships. When having tea he noticed that every biscuit has the ship's insignia embossed on it.

He is impressed and calls the cook to ask him how he does this.

Cook: When rolling the biscuits I slap each one onto my belt buckle before putting them in the oven.

Admiral: That's pretty unhygienic.

Cook: In that case sir, I'd suggest you skip the doughnuts.

If someone calls you a nobody, just remember

Nobody's perfect.

I've lost 7lbs this week.

Or as my girlfriend calls it, "the baby".

A lady calls her butler into her room and says, "Jeeves, take off my dress"

He casually says, "Yes, Madam", and removes the dress. Then she says, "Jeeves, take off my underwear". Again, he says, "Yes, Madam" and removes the undergarment. She then says, "Jeeves, take off my bra". Again, with no hesitation he says, "Yes, Madam" and removes the bra. Then she says, "Now out of my sight! If I ever catch you wearing my clothes again, you're fired!"

An idiot has a mirror in his closet

He wakes up one night and opens the closet and he sees himself. Scared, he quickly calls the cops

"Police! There's a burglar in my closet, come quickly!"

A police man arrives at the idiots house and opens the closet and finds the mirror. He takes a step back and slaps the idiot as hard as he can

"Why did you call me when you already had a policeman inside?!"

Jack calls an ambulance for his friend who has been hit by a car

The operator asks for his location.

Jack says I'm outside 28 Eucalyptus Road .

The operator knows there is no room for error and for clarity asks, "How do you spell that?"

There's shuffling and sounds of straining at the other end of the phone. Jack? says the operator, concerned. More shuffling and grunting.

Sorry about that says Jack. I just dragged him 'round to 1 Oak Street

Three young boys are exploring the woods near a river

One of the boys is crouched behind a rock and is looking at something.
He calls the other two over to look with him.
In the river is a beautiful naked woman bathing.
One of the boys immediately starts running in the other direction screaming.
What's wrong? Says one boy.
My mom told me if I ever saw a naked woman I would turn to stone! He says And something's already turning hard!

A man calls the hotel front desk

"Hello how I may I be of assistance sir?"

"I NEED YOU TO SEND SOMEONE TO MY ROOM RIGHT AWAY."

"Calm down Sir, what seems to be the problem?"

"My wife is trying to jump out of the window..."

"Oh that sounds like a personal matter, I'm afraid we cannot involve ourselves."

"Listen here you smartass, the window isn't opening up and that's a maintenance matter!"

Guy calls in on radio show

**Guy**: Hey! I found this wallet with $2k, an Amazon gift card, and it says it belongs to someone named 'Ryan'
**Host**: Oh how nice of you. Do you want me to ask Ryan to reclaim it?
**Guy**: No, I want to request a sad song for Ryan

A guy looking to get fired calls his boss and says, Hey boss, what's the difference between your daughter and tomorrow?

I'm not coming in tomorrow.

The Inca people were one of the few who ever mastered hunting with owls, much like traditional falconry.

Legend says they learned calls to communicate with the intelligent birds, even to the point of planning attack strategies ahead of time.

And that's where we get the term Inca-hoots.

When I drink alcohol, people call me alcoholic. But when I drink fanta, no one calls me

or texts me, I'm so lonely, pls help.

A guy phones up his Boss, but gets the bosses' wife instead: "I'm afraid he died last week," she explains.

The next day the man calls again and asks for the boss. "I told you," the wife replies, "he died last week." The day after he calls again and once more asks to speak to his boss. By this time the wife is getting upset and shouts: "I'VE ALREADY TOLD YOU TWICE, MY HUSBAND, YOUR BOSS, DIED LAST WEEK! WHY DO YOU KEEP CALLING?"

"Cos" He replies laughing, "I just love hearing it..."

An elderly man thinks his wife is losing her hearing so he calls their doctor.

The doctor tells him "We need to figure out how bad her hearing is. Using a normal tone, talk to her at various distances until she can hear you."

That night the man decides to try this. He estimates he is sitting about 30 feet from his wife and asks her, "What's for dinner?"

He hears nothing so he moves a little closer; about 20 feet away. He asks her again, "What's for dinner?" Still nothing.

Finally, he gets right next to her and asks, "What's for dinner?"

She finally hears him and responds "For the third time, chicken!"

Four catholic ladies are talking about how important there sons are. (Long)

The first one tells her friends my son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father.'

The second Catholic woman chirps, while my son is a bishop, when he walks into a room, people say, 'Your Grace.'

The third Catholic woman says smugly, Well, not to put you down, but my son is a cardinal. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, 'Your Eminence.'

The fourth Catholic woman sips her coffee in silence. The first three women give her a subtle well.....?

She replies, My son is a charismatic, 6'2 , hard-bodied male stripper. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, My God.

Guess who woke up to 23 missed calls from their Ex ?

My Ex.

If someone calls you Fat, just ignore them.

You are bigger than that!

Soviet Curfew

A man in Moscow is walking home after his day at work and he walks past a security checkpoint. One of the guards calls to him and tells him to stop, but he takes off running. The guard raises his rifle, takes aim, and shoots him dead in the street. The other guard stares at him.

What did you do that for? he asks.

Curfew violation, the other guard says.

Curfew violation? Curfew isn't for another half hour!

I know. That's my friend. I know where he lives. He never would have made it.

A blonde accidentally kills a cop and calls the police:

- Hello, is this 911?
- Yes, what is your emergency?
- I called to inform you that you're 910 now.

My boss calls me "the computer"

Nothing to do with intelligence,
I go to sleep if left unattended for 15 minutes

EDIT thank you all so much this is my first ever post to hit 1k upvotes and get awards
2nd edit wow 3k this post has blown out my previous record of 789 out of the water thank you so much

A man crosses the Mexican border seeking better living conditions for his family.

Then his constituency calls for him to resign as a senator from Texas.

My boss calls me "The computer"

Not because of my calculation skills but because I go to sleep when left unattended for 15 minutes.

2 guys walk into a bar

"Hey donkey get the beers in" shouts one guy to the other.

The man walks up to the barman and stutters " two bee... two bee... two beers please?" the barman starts to pour the mans beer when the guys friend shouts "Donkey! get me some nuts too"

The man stood at the bar says to the barman " two pa... two pa.. two packets of nuts too please"

The barman says to the guy "That's a bit mean, why does he call you donkey?" and the man replies "It's OK, He aw... he aw.. he always calls me that"

On a weather forecast in Russia reporter said it was -50C in Yakutsk.

On a weather forecast in Russia reporter said it was -50C in Yakutsk.

A guy from Moscow says to his wife:
Guy:- They are overreacting, I'll call my cousin who lives there, and he'll tell me the truth.

He calls his cousin and asks,
Guy:- What's the weather like where you are?

Cousin:- It's around -20C I would say.

Guy:- I knew the news were lying, they said it was -50C.

Cousin:- Oh, well it might be outside.

After 65 years of marriage, my grandpa still calls grandma "honey", "sweetie", "baby", and "sugar". I asked him for the secret to keep love alive so long.

He said "i forgot her name 10 years ago, and I'm afraid to ask."

A proud father has six children.

He always calls his wife "Mother of Six," to her displeasure.
One night at a party, he yells across the room, "Mother of six, we're leaving now."

She replies, "Be right with you, father of four."

So these three lawyers are zooming along a country road and they get into an accident with a gravedigger.

So the gravedigger pulls himself out of his car and he's okay, but the lawyers are kind of messed up, so he buries them, right there, and walks into town and calls the Sheriff. 'Sheriff,' he says, 'terrible accident I just had. Three lawyers in it, they was all dead, so I buried them.' Sheriff says, "What?
You went ahead and buried them already? Are yousure they was dead?' Gravedigger says reluctantly,
"Well, they said they wasn't, but you know how those fellas lie.

2 wives go on a girls night out

On the way home they both need the toilet, so decide to stop at a graveyard, but they have nothing to wipe with.

The first takes off her panties and uses them, while the other takes a wreath and uses that.

The next day, one of their husbands calls the other and says:

"No more girls nights out. My wife came home with no panties. "

The other husband says:

"Thats nothing. Mine came home with a card in her crack that said 'from all of us at the fire station, we will never forget you. "

A group of police officers are sitting outside a woman's house after she murdered her husband

One calls dispatch and says "we got a woman armed with a knife in here and she just killed her husband."

Dispatch says "do you know why she killed her husband?"

The officer replies "yeah, she told him not to step on the floor right after she mopped, and he stepped on it anyway"

Dispatch asks "well do you have her in custody yet?"

"No not yet" the officer says

Dispatch says "Why not?"

The officer hesitates for a moment, then finally replies "well the floor still looks wet"

2 Russians are robbing a bank...

2 Russians are robbing a bank... Everything went successful, quickly and silently. However, before existing the bank, one Russian stops another one: "Hey, what kind of a robbery is it if no one got injured or killed?"

Russian 2: "You're right, kill that woman that's sitting over there!"

Russian 1 (to the woman): "What's your name?"

Woman: "Sofia"

Russian 1 (to Russian 2): "I can't kill her... My wife has the same name..."

Russian 2: "Then kill that kid that's sitting beside her."

Russian 1 (to the kid): "What's your name?"

Kid: "Billy, but everybody calls me Sofia"

A Scottish Terrier walks into a bank

He sits at the desk of the Loan Officer, a Ms. Patty Black. He asks if he's eligible for a small business loan.

Do you have any collateral? , Patty asks.

I do have this, replies the Terrier, rooting around in his bag and pulling out a small porcelain figurine.

I'm not sure if we can accept this, says Patty. Let me ask my manager.

Patty calls her manager over and explains the situation. The manager says

It's a knickknack, Patty Black, give the dog a loan.

A woman calls customer service..

"Hi, I bought a maternity dress through your site and I want to cancel the order." she says.

The service rep says, "Sure, I can do that for you.. but I'd also like to get your feedback; may I ask why?"

"Yeah," says the customer. "My delivery was faster than yours was."

Russian POW calls home: 'Mum, I've been captured'.

Mum: 'Where are you?'
POW: 'Ukraine.'
Mum: 'Can you get us a Big Mac?'

You know my dad calls our couch?

The Kid Napping Machine

You've been warned. It might be a little early in the day for this one.

If sex with three people is called a threesome and sex with four people is called a foursome, I guess now it's clear why everyone calls me handsome.

I don't wanna brag about my finances or anything, but my credit card company calls me every day.

Just to tell me my balance is outstanding.

What do you call a flower salesman?

A petal peddler.

What if he sold steel flowers?
A metal petal peddler.

What if he got a bicycle?
A pedaling metal petal peddler.

What if he won a race?
A medaling pedaling metal petal peddler.

What if he won by tricking others?
A medaling meddling pedaling metal petal peddler.

What if he didn't win by enough?
A petty medaling meddling pedaling metal petal peddler.

What if he stood up to calls to disqualify him?
A petty medaling meddling pedaling metal petal peddler with mettle.

What if this whole situation just made him sad and withdrawn, with no one to support him?
A pitiful petty medaling meddling pedaling metal petal peddler with mettle.

My wife watches Criminal Minds with no volume while I'm sleeping.

She calls it Criminal Mimes.

Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the calls call center jokes and puns are jokes supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, are mean or racist, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become bullying and inappropriate.

We suggest to use only working calls call mama piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.

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