Calling Jokes
176 calling jokes and hilarious calling puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about calling that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Calling jokes can refer to two things: funny jokes made when calling in sick to work, and games of bingo. Learn more about these different scenarios and the funniest jokes to use in each of them. Explore topics such as cold calling, prank calls, dispatcher jokes, and calling someone hot. Find out which jokes provide the best comedic relief during tough times and which game of bingo needs the most numbers called.
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Funniest Calling Short Jokes
Short calling jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The calling humour may include short calls jokes also.
- If Facebook buys Gmail, instead of 'mark as read' the feature will be called, 'Mark has read'.
- What do you call a mac 'n' cheese that gets all up in your face? Too close for comfort food!
- Call a girl beautiful 1,000 time and she won't think twice... Call a girl fat once and she'll always remember.
Because elephants never forget - Call me a racist if you want, but south of the border is a sea of violence, corruption and stupidity I wouldn't touch with a ten foot pole. Thank god I live in Canada
- I called two girls hipsters and got slapped. Apparently the correct term is "conjoined twins".
- What do you call a drunk guy trying to start his car? A lyft. Friends don't let friends drive drunk.
- "Hey dad why is my sister called Teresa ?" "Because your mum loves easter and it's an anagram of easter !"
"Thanks dad !"
"No problem Alan" - I angered two people by calling them hipsters... Apparently the correct term is conjoined twins.
- I call my wife Bambi. She thinks it's because she's cute with big brown eyes... But in reality it's because I want someone to shoot her mother with a hunting rifle
- My friend gets really upset when I call him a flat-Earther He says the correct term is bulldozer operator.
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Calling One Liners
Which calling one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with calling? I can suggest the ones about phone call and telephone call.
- What is a Karen called in Europe? An American.
- What do you call a dinosaur that takes care of its teeth? A Flossiraptor
- What do you call a chicken that's afraid of the dark? A chicken.
- What do you call a waffle on a California beach? A Sandy Eggo.
- What do you call an emo a capella group? Self Harmony
- What do you call a priest that becomes a lawyer? A father in law
- What's it called when a King and Queen have no children? A receding heir line...
- What's it called when a chameleon can't change its colors anymore? A reptile dysfunction.
- What do you call children born in whorehouses? Brothel sprouts
- If someone calls you Fat, just ignore them. You are bigger than that!
- What do you call a witch that only eats sand? Malnourished.
- Guess who woke up with 20 missed calls from his ex? My ex.
- What do you call Andrew Tate in a Romanian prison? In-cell
- The 10th Fast and Furious film should be called.... Fast 10 Your Seat Belt.
- What do you call 100 rabbits walking backwards? A receding hare line.
Name Calling Jokes
Here is a list of funny name calling jokes and even better name calling puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- A coworker named Celcius recently retired from my company, so they hired a guy called Kelvin to replace him. He's the new temp.
- My wife is pregnant with a boy and i want to call him Lance My wife said its such an uncommon name.
So i told her back in medievil days people were called Lance a lot - I told my buddy that Jewish people call god by a different name He was like, "No way!"
I was like, "Yahweh" - All groups of animals have unique names: a gaggle of geese, a pod of whales, a colony of ants… so what do you call a group of Karens? An HOA
- My wife called out another man's name during sex If I ever find out who this "Ron Hole" is, I'm going to kill him
- My name is David and I had my ID stolen the other day. Now they just call me Dav.
- I asked my grandpa.. I asked my grandpa: After 65 years you still call grandma darling, beautiful and honey. What's the secret?
Grandpa: I forgot her name 5 years ago and I'm scared to ask her. - Husband: Honey why are there broken condoms on the couch? Wife: Would you please call our children by their real names.
- Lance is not a common name nowadays. But in medieval times, people called their sons Lance a lot.
- Honey, there are broken condoms on the couch Dear, we've talked about this- call the children by their names
Calling In Sick Jokes
Here is a list of funny calling in sick jokes and even better calling in sick puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Im sick and tired of people calling America the stupidest country in the world Personally I think Europe is the stupidest country in the world
- What did the conductor do when half of the cello section called in sick a week before a major concert? He was forced to resort to excessive violins.
- What do you call a sick cup of coffe? A coughy mug
- A man calls in sick... "It's my eyes," he says.
"What's wrong with them?" his boss asks.
"I just can't see myself coming to work today." - My company has a weekly joke and after four years I'm quite sick of it. They call it a "paycheck" when it's barely an allowance!
- I'm calling in sick today because I have an eye problem I don't see myself coming into work today
- I called my boss this morning and told him i was sick. "Just how sick are you?" he said.
"well im in bed with my little sister, is that sick enough" - I called in sick to work today...
I said: "I have an eye infection, I can't see myself coming in." - I called my boss this morning... Me: Sorry, I'm not going to make it in today, I'm sick.
Boss: How sick are you?
Me: Well, I'm in bed with my mother. - I'm so sick of people calling me a weeb If I had a death note they'd be sorry...

Cold Calling Jokes
Here is a list of funny cold calling jokes and even better cold calling puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- What do you call a pig that is cold and growling? A Ham-Brrr-Grrr.
I made this joke when I was 11. I remember being super proud lol. - You call it necrophilia.... But I call it cracking open a cold one with the boys.
- What do you call a cold cucumber? A cucumbrrr.
- What do you call a son of Zeus with a bad cold? A Phlegmigod
- Why was it called the Cold War? Because of all the Icy-BMs!
- An unknown number called me, sneezed and coughed a few times and then hung up. I'm getting tired of all these cold calls.
- my wife's favorite joketo tell What do you call a peanut with a cold?
Cashew!
she was so proud of herself for making me laugh with this one. - Someone called me and sneezed and then ended the call I'm tired of all these cold calls!
- A man is sitting in a restaurant. He calls the waiter over. Man: Waiter, my soup is cold.
Waiter: It's gazpacho.
Man: Gazpacho, my soup is cold. - What do you call a lizard that's an assassin? A cold-blooded killer
Protested Calling Jokes
Here is a list of funny protested calling jokes and even better protested calling puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- What do you call a group of rebellious ants? Protestants
- What do you get when a few thousand terrorists take over the Capitol? Excuse me, they are called protesters.
- Why aren't mass protests called weight protests? The situation never has enough gravity to warrant it.
- Protests have erupted in the streets and protestors are throwing pumpkins at police officers They're going to have to call in the National Gourd
- What do you call it when your intestines start protesting? A bowel movement.
- What do you call someone who attends both catholic and protestant church services? They're bisectual
- What do you call a Protestant in Greece? Unorthodox
- What do you call a city filled with protesting geese? Honk Kong
- Did you hear that Republicans finally found an appropriate movement to protest Coronavirus? It's called The No Lives Matter Movement.
- A cop walks into a protest A cop walks into a protest and is immediately called racist.
He says, "I'm not racist! My wife has a black eye!"
Calling Bingo Jokes
Here is a list of funny calling bingo jokes and even better calling bingo puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- I just got fired from my job as a bingo caller... Apparently, "A meal for two with a hairy view" is *not* an appropriate way of calling out number 69...
- I got fired from my bingo calling job today. Apparently 'a meal for two with a terrible view' is not an appropriate way to call 69.
- Why do Japanese hate bingo? They all scramble for cover when you call B-29
- Know why you can't play bingo with Japanese people They all scramble for cover when you call B-29.
- How do you stop a Bingo game in Japan? Call in B-29.
- I've been fired from my job as a bingo caller... Apparently it's inappropriate to call the number 69 as *"A meal for two with a terrible view"*.
- Bingo I once worked as a bingo caller. I got fired on my first night, Appernetly, a meal for two with a hairy view is not the correct way to call 69.
- How do you clear out an Afghani bingo game..? Call B52!!
- What do you call a serial killer that plays bingo? Jeffery Dauber.
- How do you clear out an Iraqi bingo parlour? Call out "B-52"

Amusing Calling Jokes to Make You Laugh with Friends
What funny jokes about calling you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean phone jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make calling pranks.
Isn't it annoying when engineering students call themselves engineers?
It's s**.... You don't hear medical students calling themselves doctors or arts students calling themselves baristas.
Son, I found a c**... in your room.
Gee thanks, Grandpa!
Why are you calling me Grandpa?
Because I couldn't find it yesterday.
I got a phone call from my son's school today
Hello, is that Mr Jenkins?
Yes, how can I help you?
Hi, This is little Billy's music teacher calling
Oh, hi
Yeah, hi. I just wanted to let you know it looks like you have a little Elvis Presley on your hands!
Really? Wow! That's..
Yeah, we just found him dead on the toilet
I broke up with my Japanese girlfriend but she keeps calling me
Seems like I have to drop the bomb twice.
FBI Investigation.
The phone rings at the FBI headquarters.
"Hello? I'm calling to report my neighbor, Clifford. He is hiding m**... inside his firewood!"
"Thank you very much for the call, Sir."
The next day, FBI agents descend on the neighbor's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes the they bust open every piece of wood, but finds no m**.... They swear at the neighbors and leave. The phone rings at the neighbors house.
"Hey Clifford, did the FBI come?"
"Yep"
"Did they chop the wood?"
"Yep"
"Great, now it's your turn to call. i need my garden plowed."
Probably already been said, but it made me chuckle when I thought of it.
A man has been found dead in central London this evening, reports confirm the man died due to being stabbed with a triangular knife.
Police are calling it an isoscelated incident.
Husband get back home from work asks wife
**Husband:** "Why are the torn condoms lying on the sofa?"
**Wife:** "What?....... Where?" rushes out to check.
She comes back furious saying:"I will kill you if you don't stop calling our children TORN CONDOMS"
A misunderstanding
A girl is driving down the highway listening to the radio when a song comes on that she really, really likes. The DJ says the name of that song was "Hot lips and tender kisses." The girl says to herself I've got to buy that record. She pulls over and looks up the phone number for the nearest record store. She dials the number but makes a mistake while dialing and instead of calling a record store she has called an auto mechanic. The phone rings and the mechanic picks up the phone. The girl says, excitedly, "Do you have hot lips and tender kisses?" The mechanic is a little confused, but responds, "No, but I've got hot pants and seven inches." The girl responds, "Is that a record?" The mechanic says, "No, but it's better than average."
Went to the pub with my girlfriend and everyone was calling me a p**... because she is 21 and I'm 65...
Totally ruined our tenth anniversary.
I love throwing house warming parties
But for some reason the police keep calling it 'Arson'.
My girlfriend and I went out to a restaurant last night, and some of the other diners started calling me a 'paedo' and a 'cradle snatcher.' All because I'm a 52 year old man with a 21 year old girlfriend.
It totally ruined our 10 year anniversary meal.
Muslim scientists..
Muslim scientists have invented a time-travel device that can transport an entire country back to the dark ages.
They're calling it 'Islam'.
A woman hears a knock a her door...
She answers and a man is standing on her front porch.
"Hello" he says, "I'm your new neighbor. I'm obligated to inform you that I am a registered s**... offender."
"This is totally unacceptable," she proclaims, "I'm calling my congressman!" And she slams the door.
A few seconds later there is another knock at the door. She opens the door and the same man is standing there.
"Hello, I'm your congressman."
Did you hear the weather forecast for the hiphop festival?
...They're calling for a Lil Wayne
The Seattle Seahawks play calling.
I said this when I was 6, and everyone laughed
Two twins came to our house one day, and I kept calling them the wrong names (they were their names, but I said Harry to Thomas and vice-versa)
My dad came to me and said 'can't tell them apart, can ya?'
'No dad, I can't tell 'em together!'
(Waits for downvotes)
"Honey, why are there broken condoms on the backyard?"
And that's when his wife replied shouting: "I ALREADY TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING THE KIDS THAT!"
North Korea is calling for war.
In other news, it's Saturday.
If Israel gets wiped off the map...
Then we'll have to start calling it Wasrael
Mother of Six
A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement.
He is so proud of himself that he starts calling his wife Mother of Six in spite of her objections.
One night they go to a party. The man decides that it's time to go home, and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well. He shouts at the top of his voice, Shall we go home Mother of Six?
His wife, irritated by her husbands lack of discretion shouts back… Anytime you're ready, Father of Four!
My wife keeps on calling me "gullible" and "financially irresponsible".
I just can't wait to see her face when I tell her I won the Nigerian lottery.
Marriage
Husband asking the wife:
-Darling, do you want to come with me to the gym?
*-Are you saying I'm fat??*
-No, I was just thinking that we should maybe...
*-Are you saying I'm lazy??*
-No, no! Calm down, I didn't say that..
*-Why, you think I'm hysterical??*
-No, I wasn't saying that..
*-So you are calling me a liar now??*
-God no! You know what, I go alone then.
*-Wait a minute! Why do you want to go alone!?*
My friend started calling the toilet the Jim instead of the John
He said it sounds better when he tell people he goes to the Jim everyday.
Last night my wife started calling me Jeb Bush.
I also pull out way to late.
I started calling my wife "Zika"...
...so that I could just get a little head, baby.
I hate it when engineering students refer to themselves as engineers...
Like you don't see med students calling themselves doctors or arts students calling themselves unemployed.
I called the cops about a m**... on my front lawn and they just hung up.
They said that couldn't do anything about crows and to stop calling.
Scientists have invented a way to send messages to alternate universes...
... they are calling them "parallelograms".
Why did the cows come back to the m**... field?
The p**... was calling the cattle back
During a weekly game at the home for the aged, the bingo caller began choking and then collapsed.
He was rushed to emergency, and went immediately into surgery.
It appeared that 40 years of calling bingo games in smoky halls had finally caught-up with him.
The surgeon successfully removed a mass that was blocking his windpipe.
After waking from the surgery, the caller asked the surgeon if the mass was malignant.
The surgeon replied, "Fortunately, no. It was B9."
Thank you for calling the constipation hotline...
Please hold.
The furniture store keeps calling me back.....
But all I wanted was that one nightstand.
I'm thinking of opening a s**... bank and calling it...
"Get a load of this guy"
I organised a day of sponsored bungee jumping for the local disabled group...
Perhaps calling it s**... on elastic' wasn't one of my greatest ideas...
A man named Eric Cole...
... discovered that there was a direct correlation between the amount of mayonnaise on his cabbage salad and how good it tastes.
He's calling this correlation Cole's Law.
MOM! I'm being called gay in school.
Who is calling you that son?
A bunch of cute boys.
A man wakes up one morning to find that he's grown a thick beard and is wearing a turban....
He, being very concerned and disoriented, calls his boss in order to see if he can get the day off.
Man: "Boss, I just woke up with a turban and a long, thick beard. I think I need a day to figure things out."
Boss: " So what are you saying....?"
Man: "I'm calling in Sikh."
Stop calling it the Zelda Franchise - It's called the Zelda Chain.
Because there's so many Links
"Thank you for calling the NSA..."
"The only government organization that **actually** listens to you!"
I'm starting a business....
I'm gonna do math tutoring, but solely for midgets. I'm calling it Making The Little Things Count.
I hate it when
I hate it when engineering students call themselves engineer.
I don't see medical students calling themselves doctor or history students calling themselves unemployed
A neighbor's wife knocks on the door
She says "Your kids can't play with our children any more."
"Why?" the man asks, shocked.
"They keeping on calling the other kids gay, you should watch your language around them!"
The man replies "They couldn't have learned it from me, otherwise they would have been calling them faggots"
I've tried calling Stephen Hawking many times
I keep getting his answering machine
The girl I'm dating likes to answer the phone during s**...
I think I'm going to stop calling her...
Can you call the British PM a fool?
During WW II, a man was arrested in London for calling Winston Churchill a fool.
The next day in the House of Commons, the opposition members were ready to roast the government for this. "Are we living in a police state", they shouted, "where we cannot call the PM a fool"?
Churchill's reply was truly disarming - "The man was not arrested for calling the Prime Minister a fool", he said, "but for letting out a state secret at a time of war".
LPT: When calling out of work or school, don't fake congestion, etc... instead try using your best Indian accent.
There's a much higher chance they'll believe you're Sikh.
Saudi Arabia banned chess, calling it a dangerous game
Reasons are:
1. The Queen doesn't wear a burkha.
2. The Queen roams freely wherever she wants to.
3. The Queen is more powerful than the King.
4. The Queen goes alone to opponent's territory.
5. Most importantly, there's only one Queen.
A joke on telemarketers from Seinfeld
**j**...:** This isn't a good time.
**Telemarketer:** When would be a good time to call back, sir?
**j**...:** I have an idea, why don't you give me your home number and I'll call you back later?
**Telemarketer:** Umm, we're not allowed to do that.
**j**...:** Oh, I guess because you don't want strangers calling you at home.
**Telemarketer:** Umm, no.
**j**...:** Well, now you know how I feel.
Three people having s**......
is called a t**..., four people a f**.... Now it hits me why everyone keeps calling me "handsome"...
I started calling my toilet the "Jim"...
instead of the John.
It sounds much better when I say that I go to the Jim first thing every morning.
So this guy at college keeps calling me a flamingo
one of these days I'm going to put my foot down.
I'm starting a gym where we bring exercise equipment right to your front door, whether you requested it or not.
I'm calling it "Jehovah's Fitness"
A t**... involves three people. A twosome involves two.
I guess that's why everybody keeps calling me handsome.
This Halloween I decided to go as a harp. As I walked into the party, a gentleman asked, "what are you supposed to be?"
"A harp", I replied.
"No, no. You're much too small to be a harp" he protested.
So I asked, "are you calling me a lyre?"
Our mate David had his ID stolen
We've started calling him Dav
I'm thinking about starting a dating app for low IQ people.
I'm calling it OK s**....
Canada's starting a space program to send a spaceship to the moon
They're calling the spaceship Apollo-G.
I went to a Halloween party dressed as a harp
The host asked me: What are you?
Me: Oh, I'm dressed as a harp.
Host: Your costume is too short to be a harp
Me: Are you calling me a lyre?
Don't you just hate it when med students call themselves doctors?
I mean you don't see engineering students calling themselves engineers or arts students calling themselves baristas
I decided to stop calling the bathroom 'John' and renamed it 'Jim'.
I feel so much better saying "I went to the Jim this morning
Husband: Grab some updog on your way home hon..
Wife: for the last time Greg, the kids an I are never coming back. Stop calling us, please...
Husband: not much, what's up with you?
The best insult ever is, "who is this clown?", because...
#1- You are calling them a clown
#2- You are saying they are not even a well known clown
It's 2018, we need to stop calling things gay just because they are lame.
So what if there are no women at this bar? Most of the guys are really nice and some of them even bought me drinks, and that's pretty cool if you ask me.
A private goes AWOL from the Army to follow his calling as a pastry chef, but gets caught and arrested.
He was eventually court-martialed and sentenced to five years in prison for being a desserter.
Show Off - A young businessman has just set up his own company.
A young businessman has just set up his own company. He rents an office downtown and buys some trendy furniture for it. Sitting behind his new desk, he suddenly sees a potential client come into the outer office. Wanting to appear busy, he picks up the phone and pretends that he's calling an important client. Offer them no more than $3 million! he shouts
down the phone. And tell them that if it isn't finished by next week, they won't get a penny! After hanging up , the man says to the visitor, "Hello? Can I help you?" And the visitor replies, Yes, I'm from the phone company. I've come to connect your phone line.
A guy arrives at a music-themed costume party and the host asks him what he is supposed to be. The guy happily shouts 'A harp'. The host pauses and then says 'I think that costume seems a little small to be a harp'.
The guy replies 'Are you calling me a lyre?'.
Siri kept on calling me Shirley today
I was beginning to get annoyed about it but then I realised I'd left my phone in Airplane mode.
I'm tired of all these forced gender neutral terms
The girl I'm going out with insist on calling me just friend instead of boyfriend
Germany is now advising people to stock up on cheese and sausages.
They are calling it the wurst käse scenario.
My son calling me dad was my breaking point
I finally s**... my legs
BREAKING: North Korean leader in a vegetative state following surgery.
They've begun calling him Kim Jong Un-Responsive
Scientists have discovered another deadly pathogen they are calling the Peekaboo virus.
Doctors are sending anyone with peekaboo straight to ICU.
Please stop calling Donald Trump an idiot.
As an idiot myself, it's very offensive that people think he's one of us.
A guy phones up his Boss, but gets the bosses' wife instead: "I'm afraid he died last week," she explains.
The next day the man calls again and asks for the boss. "I told you," the wife replies, "he died last week." The day after he calls again and once more asks to speak to his boss. By this time the wife is getting upset and shouts: "I'VE ALREADY TOLD YOU TWICE, MY HUSBAND, YOUR BOSS, DIED LAST WEEK! WHY DO YOU KEEP CALLING?"
"Cos" He replies laughing, "I just love hearing it..."
People need to stop calling me "Karen" It's so offensive.
Me: That's fine we'll go back to what we used to call you.
Karen: Thanks....
Me: You're welcome, b**....
The woman at the furniture store keeps calling!
All I wanted was the one night stand.
Duchess
It's my cake day, so here's a joke for everybody. My dad told me this joke, but I haven't seen it any other places:
A man goes on trial for calling the Duchess a pig. The judge finds him guilty of slander and explains that if he ever calls the Duchess a pig again he'll be severely punished. The man then says to the judge, If I can't call the Duchess a pig, would I still get punished for calling a pig Duchess?
The judge publicly rules that he can indeed call a pig Duchess.
On his way out of the courtroom, the man walks by the royal plaintiff, tips his hat, and says Good day, Duchess.
Just tried calling the tinnitus helpline
but it just kept ringing

