Calling Jokes

Following is our collection of pepto humor and hotline one-liner funnies working better than reddit jokes. They include Calling puns for adults, dirty my so called dog jokes or clean drunk police call gags for kids.

There is an abundance of libtard jokes out there. You're fortunate to read a set of the 62 funniest jokes on calling. Full with funny wisecracks it is even funnier than any phone witze you can hear about calling.

The Best jokes about Calling

Isn't it annoying when engineering students call themselves engineers?

It's stupid. You don't hear medical students calling themselves doctors or arts students calling themselves baristas.

I angered two people by calling them hipsters...

Apparently the correct term is conjoined twins.

Son, I found a condom in your room.



Gee thanks, Grandpa!

Why are you calling me Grandpa?

Because I couldn't find it yesterday.

I got a phone call from my son's school today

Hello, is that Mr Jenkins?

Yes, how can I help you?

Hi, This is little Billy's music teacher calling

Oh, hi

Yeah, hi. I just wanted to let you know it looks like you have a little Elvis Presley on your hands!

Really? Wow! That's..

Yeah, we just found him dead on the toilet

Scientists have discovered another deadly pathogen they are calling the Peekaboo virus.

Doctors are sending anyone with peekaboo straight to ICU.


I'm tired of all these forced gender neutral terms

The girl I'm going out with insist on calling me just friend instead of boyfriend

The furniture store keeps calling me back.....

But all I wanted was that one nightstand.

Canada's starting a space program to send a spaceship to the moon

They're calling the spaceship Apollo-G.

I hate it when engineering students refer to themselves as engineers...

Like you don't see med students calling themselves doctors or arts students calling themselves unemployed.

Last night my wife started calling me Jeb Bush.

I also pull out way to late.

Why did the cows come back to the marijuana field?

The pot was calling the cattle back


Im sick and tired of people calling America the stupidest country in the world

Personally I think Europe is the stupidest country in the world

I'm starting a gym where we bring exercise equipment right to your front door, whether you requested it or not.

I'm calling it "Jehovah's Fitness"

The Seattle Seahawks play calling.

I called the cops about a murder on my front lawn and they just hung up.

They said that couldn't do anything about crows and to stop calling.

"Thank you for calling the NSA..."

"The only government organization that **actually** listens to you!"

Stop calling it the Zelda Franchise - It's called the Zelda Chain.

Because there's so many Links

MOM! I'm being called gay in school.

Who is calling you that son?

A bunch of cute boys.

Can you call the British PM a fool?

During WW II, a man was arrested in London for calling Winston Churchill a fool.

The next day in the House of Commons, the opposition members were ready to roast the government for this. "Are we living in a police state", they shouted, "where we cannot call the PM a fool"?

Churchill's reply was truly disarming - "The man was not arrested for calling the Prime Minister a fool", he said, "but for letting out a state secret at a time of war".


I started calling my toilet the "Jim"...

instead of the John.

It sounds much better when I say that I go to the Jim first thing every morning.

Please stop calling Donald Trump an idiot.

As an idiot myself, it's very offensive that people think he's one of us.

Everyone called me a pedophile

My girlfriend and I walked into a local bar last night and everyone started calling me a pedophile and a criminal only because i'm 43 and she's 20. It completely ruined our 10th anniversary

It's 2018, we need to stop calling things gay just because they are lame.

So what if there are no women at this bar? Most of the guys are really nice and some of them even bought me drinks, and that's pretty cool if you ask me.

I've tried calling Stephen Hawking many times

I keep getting his answering machine

My friend started calling the toilet the Jim instead of the John

He said it sounds better when he tell people he goes to the Jim everyday.

BREAKING: North Korean leader in a vegetative state following surgery.

They've begun calling him Kim Jong Un-Responsive

So this guy at college keeps calling me a flamingo

one of these days I'm going to put my foot down.

I went to a bar with my girlfriend last night and people kept calling me a pedophile, just because I'm 53 and she is 22...

...totally ruined our 10th anniversary.

I'm thinking of opening a sperm bank and calling it...

"Get a load of this guy"

I broke up with my Japanese girlfriend but she keeps calling me

Seems like I have to drop the bomb twice.

Don't you just hate it when med students call themselves doctors?

I mean you don't see engineering students calling themselves engineers or arts students calling themselves baristas

The best insult ever is, "who is this clown?", because...

#1- You are calling them a clown
#2- You are saying they are not even a well known clown

I love throwing house warming parties

But for some reason the police keep calling it 'Arson'.

I went to a Halloween party dressed as a harp

The host asked me: What are you?

Me: Oh, I'm dressed as a harp.

Host: Your costume is too short to be a harp

Me: Are you calling me a lyre?

I just got fired from my job as a bingo caller...

Apparently, "A meal for two with a hairy view" is *not* an appropriate way of calling out number 69...

NSFW At the restaurant, everyone kept calling me a pedophile just because I'm 52 and my wife is 22......

It completely ruined our ten year anniversary dinner.

A man wakes up one morning to find that he's grown a thick beard and is wearing a turban....

He, being very concerned and disoriented, calls his boss in order to see if he can get the day off.

Man: "Boss, I just woke up with a turban and a long, thick beard. I think I need a day to figure things out."

Boss: " So what are you saying....?"

Man: "I'm calling in Sikh."

This Halloween I decided to go as a harp. As I walked into the party, a gentleman asked, "what are you supposed to be?"

"A harp", I replied.
"No, no. You're much too small to be a harp" he protested.
So I asked, "are you calling me a lyre?"

Germany is now advising people to stock up on cheese and sausages.

They are calling it the wurst kรคse scenario.

I'm thinking about starting a dating app for low IQ people.

I'm calling it OK Stupid.

"Honey, why are there broken condoms on the backyard?"

And that's when his wife replied shouting: "I ALREADY TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING THE KIDS THAT!"

Husband get back home from work asks wife

**Husband:** "Why are the torn condoms lying on the sofa?"
**Wife:** "What?....... Where?" rushes out to check.
She comes back furious saying:"I will kill you if you don't stop calling our children TORN CONDOMS"

A man named Eric Cole...

... discovered that there was a direct correlation between the amount of mayonnaise on his cabbage salad and how good it tastes.
He's calling this correlation Cole's Law.

Muslim scientists..

Muslim scientists have invented a time-travel device that can transport an entire country back to the dark ages.

They're calling it 'Islam'.

I started a camp for kids with ADHD but nobody showed up.

I guess calling it Concentration Camp was a bad idea.

Siri kept on calling me Shirley today

I was beginning to get annoyed about it but then I realised I'd left my phone in Airplane mode.

4-year-old's joke: What is a duck's favorite snack? Peanut butter (context in comments)

We told my four-year-old a joke: What is a duck's favorite snack? Quackers! HA!

He asked, "Quackers?" *confused* "Like, peanut butter and crackers?" "Sure, like peanut butter and crackers."

*runs into other room, calling his grandfather* "Pop Pop! What is a duck's favorite snack?" "Peanut butter" *falls over laughing at his own joke*

I'm starting a business....

I'm gonna do math tutoring, but solely for midgets. I'm calling it Making The Little Things Count.

If Israel gets wiped off the map...

Then we'll have to start calling it Wasrael

I decided to stop calling the bathroom 'John' and renamed it 'Jim'.

I feel so much better saying "I went to the Jim this morning

Marriage

Husband asking the wife:
-Darling, do you want to come with me to the gym?
*-Are you saying I'm fat??*
-No, I was just thinking that we should maybe...
*-Are you saying I'm lazy??*
-No, no! Calm down, I didn't say that..
*-Why, you think I'm hysterical??*
-No, I wasn't saying that..
*-So you are calling me a liar now??*
-God no! You know what, I go alone then.
*-Wait a minute! Why do you want to go alone!?*

The girl I'm dating likes to answer the phone during sex

I think I'm going to stop calling her...

Thank you for calling the constipation hotline...

Please hold.

Went to the pub with my girlfriend and everyone was calling me a pedo because she is 21 and I'm 65...

Totally ruined our tenth anniversary.

A guy arrives at a music-themed costume party and the host asks him what he is supposed to be. The guy happily shouts 'A harp'. The host pauses and then says 'I think that costume seems a little small to be a harp'.

The guy replies 'Are you calling me a lyre?'.

North Korea is calling for war.

In other news, it's Saturday.

A threesome involves three people. A twosome involves two.

I guess that's why everybody keeps calling me handsome.

Did you hear the weather forecast for the hiphop festival?

...They're calling for a Lil Wayne

Probably already been said, but it made me chuckle when I thought of it.

A man has been found dead in central London this evening, reports confirm the man died due to being stabbed with a triangular knife.

Police are calling it an isoscelated incident.

Husband: Grab some updog on your way home hon..

Wife: for the last time Greg, the kids an I are never coming back. Stop calling us, please...

Husband: not much, what's up with you?

I said this when I was 6, and everyone laughed

Two twins came to our house one day, and I kept calling them the wrong names (they were their names, but I said Harry to Thomas and vice-versa)

My dad came to me and said 'can't tell them apart, can ya?'

'No dad, I can't tell 'em together!'

(Waits for downvotes)

Saudi Arabia banned chess, calling it a dangerous game

Reasons are:

1. The Queen doesn't wear a burkha.
2. The Queen roams freely wherever she wants to.
3. The Queen is more powerful than the King.
4. The Queen goes alone to opponent's territory.
5. Most importantly, there's only one Queen.

Use only working piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Note that dirty and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. You can seriously offend people by saying creepy dark humor words to them.

Joko Jokes