Calling In Sick Jokes
130 calling in sick jokes and hilarious calling in sick puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about calling in sick that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Funniest Calling In Sick Short Jokes
Short calling in sick jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The calling in sick humour may include short being sick jokes also.
- String Fight My ex used to hit me with stringed instruments. If only I had known about her history of violin.
- A man calls in sick... "It's my eyes," he says.
"What's wrong with them?" his boss asks.
"I just can't see myself coming to work today." - My company has a weekly joke and after four years I'm quite sick of it. They call it a "paycheck" when it's barely an allowance!
- I'm calling in sick today because I have an eye problem I don't see myself coming into work today
- I called my boss this morning and told him i was sick. "Just how sick are you?" he said.
"well im in bed with my little sister, is that sick enough" - I called my boss this morning... Me: Sorry, I'm not going to make it in today, I'm sick.
Boss: How sick are you?
Me: Well, I'm in bed with my mother. - My wife wanted to role-play.. ..she was my boss and I was her employee, so I called in sick.
- Doctor's appointment. Janet: I have a doctor's appointment today but I really don't want to go…
Adam: Just call in sick then. - Who do you call when your pizza is sick? Dr Oetker
(My 7 year old came op with this one..) - Hack for when you don't what to go to the doctor She: I have a doctor's appointment today but I really don't want to go ….
He: Just call in sick then.
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Calling In Sick One Liners
Which calling in sick one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with calling in sick? I can suggest the ones about sick leave and feeling sick.
- What do you call a sick cup of coffe? A coughy mug
- I'm so sick of people calling me a weeb If I had a death note they'd be sorry...
- What do you call a sick Pokémon? Pikachoo
- Feeling sick over increasing gas prices at the pump You could call it the car owner virus
- When I am away from home, I sometimes get love sick... Well they call it chlamydia
- What do you call it when everyone at your job is sick... A staff infection
- What do you call a sick Instagram model? An Influenza
- What do you call a sick bird from another country? An ill-eagle.
- More and more firemen are calling in sick, do you know why? Because they are burned out
- What do you call a sick painting? An Ill-ustration.
- Have you heard of the new hit dance called the corona Shuffle? All the kids say it sick.
- What do you call a sick flamingo? A phlegmingo
- What do you call a sick nut? Casheeew!
- What do you call a sick baby elephant? An ill-infant
- What's it called when an entire store is sick? A staph (staff) infection.
Charming Humor Calling In Sick Jokes with Loads of Fun
What funny jokes about calling in sick you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean feeling ill jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make calling in sick pranks.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
When a White guy is...
Scared- He gets even whiter.
Cold- He turns Blue.
Angry-He turns Red.
s**...- Gray duh.
Sick- He turns Green.
When a Black guy is...
Scared- He stays Black.
Cold- He stays Black.
Angry- He stays Black.
s**...- He stays Black.
Black Man to White Man: And you calling us colored.
Working at a Hospital is the worst cause you can't call in sick. You: "Yeah, I can't come in today, I'm sick." Boss: "Come on in, we'll check you out."
A ten-year-old boy called his school office and disguised his voice.
Speaking with as much baritone as he could muster he said, "Timmy Smith is very sick and he can't come to school today." The school secretary said, "I'm sorry to hear that. Who is this?" And the boy said, "This is my Dad."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Sick day.
A man calls his boss and tells him he won't be coming in to work today because he's not feeling well. The boss says, "Well we really need you today. Whenever I'm feeling sick I tell my wife to give me a b**.... Works every time. Why don't you try that and then see how you feel."
He calls back an hour later and says, "Just letting you know, I'm on my way to work. I feel great now. And by the way, you have a nice house."
40 years old and still single.
The son of a Billionaire was tired of his bad luck at finding a woman to marry. His father was sickly and he realized that soon he could be inheriting a fortune.
So that evening he thought of a way he could use his dad's fortune and bad health to his advantage.
He saw a beautiful woman and approached her. He told her about his father's fortune and that he will soon be inheriting it. He asked her if she would like to marry him. She told him she would get back to him in a few days.
Three days later, he received the phone call from her, all excited as she said "I'm going to be your step-mother!"
Family xmas problem solved
An elderly man in Oklahoma calls his son in New York and says, "I hate to ruin your day son, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are getting a divorce; 45 years of marriage... and that much misery is enough!" "Dad, what are you talking about?" the son yells. "We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the old dad explained. "We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Hong Kong and tell her!". Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. "Like heck they're getting divorced," she shouts, "I'll take care of this." She calls her elderly father immediately, and screams at him, "You are not getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, you hear me?" she yelled as she hung up the phone. The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. "Okay", he says, "it's all set. They're both coming for Christmas and paying their own air-fare."
A lawyer was in his BMW...
...when he opened the door to get out, an oncoming truck hit the door, ripping it off, and went on. The lawyer calls the cops.
Lawyer (Whining) : Officer, look what happened to my beamer.
Officer : You lawyers are so materialistic it makes me sick. You are so worried about your car that you did not notice that your arm is missing as well.
Lawyer (in shock) : Oh my God! Where's my Rolex?
So I got extended sick leave from my job...
What happened is I called up my boss from home, and I said, "Hey, I can't come in today. I'm coming up with something."
And the boss man says, "Don't you mean 'coming down with something?'"
I said, "Yeah, but I'm still coming up with what I'm coming down with."
Now I can stay home for as long as I want. :)
What do you call a sick bird from Mars?
An ill Eagle alien.
Original joke created for my 5 year old.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Feeling sick before work.
The other day I was hanging out with my buddy Collin and noticed that he doesn't look to good.
He said that he feels like he is going to p**..., has a growing headache and has work in a couple of hours.
He then said "I'm just ganna text my boss Lynn that I'm not feeling well today and will get someone to cover my shift"
With no responce he had only one other option.
Collin had to call Lynn, to call in.
City workers
A passerby noticed a couple of city workers digging holes along the sidewalks.
The man was quite impressed with their hard work, but couldn't figure out what they were doing.
Finally, he approached the workers and asked, I appreciate how hard you're both working, but what the heck are you doing? One of you digs a hole, and the other guy immediately fills it back up again with dirt.
One of the workers explained: The guy who plants the trees called in sick today.
Man Looking For A Sick Girl.
A man enters a store on a bright and sunny day looking for a girl called Lorraine. He asks the store owner if she is in today.
"No, she called in sick." The owner replied.
"Oh." The man continues. "Than can i have her number?"
"I wouldn't do that." The owner quickly says.
"Why?" The man asks in confusion.
"Well,"The owner quickly replies. "I wanna know, have you ever seen Lorraine, Comin' down on a sunny day?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What do you call a sick dictator?
Kim Jong-ILL
.
.
.
.
.
Ill show myshelf out...
What do you call a bison that's sick to his stomach?
A barffalo
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Chinese Sick Day
h**... Chow calls in to work and say,
"Hey boss, I no come work today, I very sick. Got headache, stomach ache, and legs hurt. I no come work today"
The boss says, "You know something h**... Chow, I really need you today. When I get sick like you do, I go to my wife and ask for s**.... That make everything better and I go to work. You try that."
Two hours later h**... Chow calls again and says,
"I try what you say and I feel great! I be at work soon. You have really nice house by the way!"
What is it called when a Roman gets really sick?
Chicken Pox Romana
What do you call a sick conspiracy?
An ILLuminati.
REQUEST: Racist "White" jokes, please.
I know DOZENS of Racist Jokes. But only a couple (not very good) Racist White Jokes.
For example:
Did you hear about the 2 house fire in Mexico?
Thousands died.
Why do Mexican's drive low-riders?
So they can pick strawberries from their car.
A man walks into a Bar with a Parrot on his shoulder.
The Bartender says: "Wow, that's awesome! Where can I get one?"
The Parrot Replies: "Africa! There's millions of them!"
Seriously though: I love Black People.
I think everyone should own one.
How do Asians name their children?
They throw their pots and pans in their air and record the sounds:
Ping Bang Pow.
How do you blindfold an Asian?
With dental floss.
The only "White Joke" I know is:
White people are born purple.
Then turn pink.
When they're mad, they're red.
When they're sick they're green.
When they're scared they're yellow.
When they're cold they're blue.
And have the nerve to call everyone else colored.
So: Does anyone have any "White Jokes" for me?
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
new job in call center
I got a new job with the local s**... hotline. I tried to phone in sick but they talked me out of it.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Who does h**... call when his dog is sick?
A Veteran a**...
I tried calling in sick for work today.
Apparently being "sick of work" isn't an illness.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A white man tells a black man
Why do people call you color man ?? To what the black man answers " I don't know
When I was born; I was black.
When I started to grow, I was black.
When I go to the beach I'm black.
When I have a cold I'm still black.
When I have panic I'm black.
When I'm sick I'm black.
even when I die I continued to be black.
Instead you my friend
When you're born you're pink.
When you start to grow you are white.
When you go to the beach you look red.
When you're cold you look blue.
When you have panic you look yellow.
When you're sick you look green.
When you die you turn gray ....
And they still dare to call me a color man
What do you call an Irish phone technician who's always calling in sick?
Crock o'Dial.
What do you call a sick Mew?
Mewsick.
My Garden Statue Called In Sick Today
He has Gnome-onia.
I phoned my boss.
I said, "I'm calling in sick tomorrow."
"But, how do you know you're going to be ill?" he asked.
I swear, sometimes he forgets that he works in a psychic shop.
What do you call a hot guy , who instantly becomes super hot?
Sick, he definitely has fever.
Dr. Strange comes out tomorrow
And I'm scheduled to work the same day. I'm really considering calling in sick. I'm just gonna tell my boss that I have to go see the doctor.
What does Lil Kim's granddaughter call her when she's sick?
Ill Nana
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What's it called when a fedora wearing neckbeard gets sick?
M'alady
I just wrote a poem about the time I got sick eating an out of date meatball sub
It's called The Rime of the Ancient Marinara
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What do you call a sick s**... attending the catholic mass ?
Winston™ Church-ill
A teacher receives a phone call shortly before the school day starts
Caller: Mr. Brown, my son James will not come to school today because he is sick.
Teacher: Who am I speaking to please?
Caller: I am my father.
Former presidential candidate Senator Sanders falls ill. What do you call him?
A sick Bern.
A man is waiting for a bus, when he sees a blonde across the street digging a hole...
...and another blonde immediately filling the hole back in with dirt. He watches as they move up the street doing this over and over again. The first blonde digs a hole, and the second one fills the dirt right back in. After a few minutes, he decides to ask them "excuse me, what are you ladies doing?"
"We're working" the first blonde replies.
"Just the two of you?" He inquires.
"Well" the second blonde chimes in, "there's usually three of us, but the girl that plants the trees called out sick"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Chinese man calls in sick
h**... Chow calls in work and say, "Hey, I no come work today. I really sick, got headache, stomach ache and legs hurt, I no come to work."
The boss says, "You know what h**..., I really need you today. When I feel sick like you do, I go to my wife and ask her for s**.... That makes everything better and I go to work. You try that."
Two hours later h**... Chow calls again. "I do what you say and I feel great. I be at work soon. You got nice house."
Me: I have a doctors appointment and I don't want to go...
Friend: Just call in sick.
I want to open a bread shop in a gym.
I'll call it "Sick Grains"
What do you call a sick Tamal?
Tamalito
A woman with terminal sickness calls for her husband for a final talk.
"Hebert" *cough* "Everything is settled for my final departure, I just have one final thing to ask of you" *cough* "Should you ever find a new woman in your life please do not let her wear my clothes..."
Herbert: "Okay hun, I promise... she's not your size anyway..."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Steve Bannon called in sick today
"Sore t**...? "Kellyanne Asked.
Bannon replied: "It's Mein Cough"
Called in sick again today.
Doctor understood and moved my appointment to next week.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I really thought Activision understood that we're sick of modern-day shooters.
And yet in the new Call of Duty they're giving us n**... to shoot again.
Stigmata:
*not* a good excuse for calling in sick to work, it turns out.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Lee has a terrible headache
Lee calls in work and say "I no come work today. I really sick, got headache, stomach ache, and legs hurt. I no come to work today."
His boss says "I really need you today, Lee. You know, whenever I am not feeling OK like you, I go ask my wife for s**.... I always feel better after."
A couple of hours later, Lee calls in. "I do what you say. I feel great now. I be at work soon. You have nice house"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
When i was 17, my sister caught me m**......
She called me a "SICK PERVERT!" and slammed the door.
A few days later, I caught her m**.... She called me a "SICK PERVERT!" and slammed the door.
What do you call it when a professional trumpet player calls in sick because he has too much iron in his blood?
Ferrous bugler's day off
You call the day before a holiday "eve" ; what do you call the day after a holiday?
In sick
What do you call a blind member of the SS who's always sick?
A not see germ man.
Little boy calls to his teacher
and says "James won't be in school today, he is sick"
Teacher replies "Oh, I am sorry to hear that. By the way who am i talking to,?"
Boy answers calmly "With my Dad"
I won't be able to make it to my doctor's appointment.....
I should call in sick!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I'm sick of being called a pervert by women.
The hand soap in the men's restroom just isn't sufficient.
9/11
A man wokring at the World Trade Center calls out sick on the day of September 11th 2001. He turns on the TV and sees the news. His wife yells to him and comes down to watch it with him. "Thats terrible honey, is your boss working today." "God I hope so" he replies
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What do you call half a dozen Punjabi that are not feeling well?
Six sick Sikhs
What do you call an antelope who gets sick from the fruit salad the morning of his wedding?
A cantelope
Guys I'm so proud of this joke
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I got so s**... up last night...
...I called in sick...three times.
How norhtern africans call the place that is being used by sick people who don't want to live anymore?
Eutunisia.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What do Asian-Americans call a sick elephant?
It's irrelevant.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What do you call a sick Darth Vader?
b**... Vader
-Courtesy of my 6 year old nephew.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A poem written by an African
When I'm born, I'm black
When I grow up, I'm black
When I sunbath, I'm black
When I'm cold, I'm black
When I'm scared, I'm black
When I'm sick, I'm black
When I die...still black.
And you, white guy...
When you're born, you're pink
When you grow up, you're white
When you sunbath, you're red
When you're cold, you're blue
When you're scared, you're yellow
When you're sick, you're green
When you die, you're grey!
And you call me a man of color...
f**...' RAINBOW!
2man Team
Two Irishmen were working in the public works department. One would dig a hole and the other would follow behind him and fill the hole in.
After a while, one amazed onlooker said: "Why do you dig a hole, only to have your partner follow behind and fill it up again?"
The hole digger wiped his brow and sighed, "Well, I suppose it probably looks odd because we're normally a three-person team. But today the lad who plants the trees called in sick."
My friend told me to give my new job a good 'ol college try'
so I threw up on the floor and called in sick to work 3 days in a row
Joseph didn't want to go to the United Nations meeting. He called in sick.
I guess he was Stalin.
