Calling In Sick Jokes

Working at a Hospital is the worst cause you can't call in sick. You: "Yeah, I can't come in today, I'm sick." Boss: "Come on in, we'll check you out."

A man sees two blonde workers in a field digging holes.

One worker is digging the holes, and the other one is following close behind filling the holes in.
After watching this go on for a while, the observer decides to ask them that they are doing.
"Excuse me sir, but I have to ask. Why are you simply digging holes and filling them back in?"
One of the workers yells out, "Ah, you see we normally have a 3rd member on our crew, but the man who plants the trees called in sick today!"

A ten-year-old boy called his school office and disguised his voice.

Speaking with as much baritone as he could muster he said, "Timmy Smith is very sick and he can't come to school today." The school secretary said, "I'm sorry to hear that. Who is this?" And the boy said, "This is my Dad."

Called into work sick. My boss asked how sick I am...

I said 'well I'm in bed with my sister'

Sick day.

A man calls his boss and tells him he won't be coming in to work today because he's not feeling well. The boss says, "Well we really need you today. Whenever I'm feeling sick I tell my wife to give me a b**.... Works every time. Why don't you try that and then see how you feel."
He calls back an hour later and says, "Just letting you know, I'm on my way to work. I feel great now. And by the way, you have a nice house."

A Man Calls in Sick to Work

A man calls in sick to work. He says "Boss, I'm really not feeling well today, I'm going to have to take today off." His boss says, "Hey, just do what I do whenever I'm not feeling well. I get my wife to have s**... with me, and I always feel a million times better!" The guy says, "All right, I'll give it a try," and hangs up.
About an hour later he calls his boss again, "Hey boss, you were right! I feel lots better! By the way, you've got a NICE house!"

What do you call a sick bird?

An i**....

Calling in sick from work

A man is calling in sick from work and says to his boss, sorry boss, I can't come into work I'm feeling sick. His boss replies, I'm sorry to hear that. Whenever I feel sick I have s**... with my wife and usually feel better. You should try it. The man agrees and calls him back later that day. He says you were right. I do feel better and your house is really nice.

A lawyer was in his BMW...

...when he opened the door to get out, an oncoming truck hit the door, ripping it off, and went on. The lawyer calls the cops.
Lawyer (Whining) : Officer, look what happened to my beamer.
Officer : You lawyers are so materialistic it makes me sick. You are so worried about your car that you did not notice that your arm is missing as well.
Lawyer (in shock) : Oh my God! Where's my Rolex?

What do you call an eagle that is sick?

i**...

So I got extended sick leave from my job...

What happened is I called up my boss from home, and I said, "Hey, I can't come in today. I'm coming up with something."
And the boss man says, "Don't you mean 'coming down with something?'"
I said, "Yeah, but I'm still coming up with what I'm coming down with."
Now I can stay home for as long as I want. :)

What do you call a sick bird from Mars?

An ill Eagle alien.
Original joke created for my 5 year old.

City workers

A passerby noticed a couple of city workers digging holes along the sidewalks.
The man was quite impressed with their hard work, but couldn't figure out what they were doing.
Finally, he approached the workers and asked, I appreciate how hard you're both working, but what the heck are you doing? One of you digs a hole, and the other guy immediately fills it back up again with dirt.
One of the workers explained: The guy who plants the trees called in sick today.

Chinese Sick Day

h**... Chow calls in to work and say,
"Hey boss, I no come work today, I very sick. Got headache, stomach ache, and legs hurt. I no come work today"
The boss says, "You know something h**... Chow, I really need you today. When I get sick like you do, I go to my wife and ask for s**.... That make everything better and I go to work. You try that."
Two hours later h**... Chow calls again and says,
"I try what you say and I feel great! I be at work soon. You have really nice house by the way!"

What do you call a sick conspiracy?

An ILLuminati.

Guy calls in sick to work....

Guy phones his boss reporting sick
Boss:"So how sick are you?"
Guy: "Well I'm in bed with my sister"

new job in call center

I got a new job with the local s**... hotline. I tried to phone in sick but they talked me out of it.

Who does h**... call when his dog is sick?

A Veteran a**...

My Garden Statue Called In Sick Today

He has Gnome-onia.

I phoned my boss.

I said, "I'm calling in sick tomorrow."
"But, how do you know you're going to be ill?" he asked.
I swear, sometimes he forgets that he works in a psychic shop.

What do you call a hot guy , who instantly becomes super hot?

Sick, he definitely has fever.

I called in sick to work today...

I said: "I have an eye infection, I can't see myself coming in."

What does Lil Kim's granddaughter call her when she's sick?

Ill Nana

What's it called when a fedora wearing neckbeard gets sick?

M'alady

I just wrote a poem about the time I got sick eating an out of date meatball sub

It's called The Rime of the Ancient Marinara

What do you call a sick s**... attending the catholic mass ?

Winston™ Church-ill

A teacher receives a phone call shortly before the school day starts

Caller: Mr. Brown, my son James will not come to school today because he is sick.
Teacher: Who am I speaking to please?
Caller: I am my father.

What do you call a sick eagle that just flew in from out of the country?

an ill-eagle immigrant

Former presidential candidate Senator Sanders falls ill. What do you call him?

A sick Bern.

A man is waiting for a bus, when he sees a blonde across the street digging a hole...

...and another blonde immediately filling the hole back in with dirt. He watches as they move up the street doing this over and over again. The first blonde digs a hole, and the second one fills the dirt right back in. After a few minutes, he decides to ask them "excuse me, what are you ladies doing?"
"We're working" the first blonde replies.
"Just the two of you?" He inquires.
"Well" the second blonde chimes in, "there's usually three of us, but the girl that plants the trees called out sick"

What's it called when an entire store is sick?

A staph (staff) infection.

Chinese man calls in sick

h**... Chow calls in work and say, "Hey, I no come work today. I really sick, got headache, stomach ache and legs hurt, I no come to work."
The boss says, "You know what h**..., I really need you today. When I feel sick like you do, I go to my wife and ask her for s**.... That makes everything better and I go to work. You try that."
Two hours later h**... Chow calls again. "I do what you say and I feel great. I be at work soon. You got nice house."

Me: I have a doctors appointment and I don't want to go...

Friend: Just call in sick.

I want to open a bread shop in a gym.

I'll call it "Sick Grains"

A woman with terminal sickness calls for her husband for a final talk.

"Hebert" *cough* "Everything is settled for my final departure, I just have one final thing to ask of you" *cough* "Should you ever find a new woman in your life please do not let her wear my clothes..."
Herbert: "Okay hun, I promise... she's not your size anyway..."

Steve Bannon called in sick today

"Sore t**...? "Kellyanne Asked.
Bannon replied: "It's Mein Cough"

What do you call a meeting of short sickly Irish men

l**... Con

I really thought Activision understood that we're sick of modern-day shooters.

And yet in the new Call of Duty they're giving us n**... to shoot again.

Stigmata:

*not* a good excuse for calling in sick to work, it turns out.

Lee has a terrible headache

Lee calls in work and say "I no come work today. I really sick, got headache, stomach ache, and legs hurt. I no come to work today."
His boss says "I really need you today, Lee. You know, whenever I am not feeling OK like you, I go ask my wife for s**.... I always feel better after."
A couple of hours later, Lee calls in. "I do what you say. I feel great now. I be at work soon. You have nice house"

Chinese Sick Leave

Wong calls his boss in the morning telling him he was feeling sick and couldn't come to work.
His boss says, "You know what Wong? Sometimes when I feel sick I ask my wife for s**.... I feel better then. You should do the same."
Wong agrees and three hours later he calls his boss again.
"I do what you say and I feel better now. I come to work in a while... By the way, you have very nice house."

When i was 17, my sister caught me m**......

She called me a "SICK PERVERT!" and slammed the door.
A few days later, I caught her m**.... She called me a "SICK PERVERT!" and slammed the door.

What do you call it when a professional trumpet player calls in sick because he has too much iron in his blood?

Ferrous bugler's day off

Who do you call when your pizza is sick?

Dr Oetker
(My 7 year old came op with this one..)

Why did Miss Piggy call in sick from work?

She had had a frog in her t**...

You call the day before a holiday "eve" ; what do you call the day after a holiday?

In sick

What do you call a sick baby elephant?

An ill-infant

What do you call a blind member of the SS who's always sick?

A not see germ man.

Little boy calls to his teacher

and says "James won't be in school today, he is sick"
Teacher replies "Oh, I am sorry to hear that. By the way who am i talking to,?"
Boy answers calmly "With my Dad"

I won't be able to make it to my doctor's appointment.....

I should call in sick!

I'm sick of being called a pervert by women.

The hand soap in the men's restroom just isn't sufficient.

9/11

A man wokring at the World Trade Center calls out sick on the day of September 11th 2001. He turns on the TV and sees the news. His wife yells to him and comes down to watch it with him. "Thats terrible honey, is your boss working today." "God I hope so" he replies

What do you call half a dozen Punjabi that are not feeling well?

Six sick Sikhs

What do you call an antelope who gets sick from the fruit salad the morning of his wedding?

A cantelope
Guys I'm so proud of this joke

I got so s**... up last night...

...I called in sick...three times.

How norhtern africans call the place that is being used by sick people who don't want to live anymore?

Eutunisia.

What do Asian-Americans call a sick elephant?

It's irrelevant.

What do you call a sick Darth Vader?

b**... Vader
-Courtesy of my 6 year old nephew.

2man Team

Two Irishmen were working in the public works department. One would dig a hole and the other would follow behind him and fill the hole in.
After a while, one amazed onlooker said: "Why do you dig a hole, only to have your partner follow behind and fill it up again?"
The hole digger wiped his brow and sighed, "Well, I suppose it probably looks odd because we're normally a three-person team. But today the lad who plants the trees called in sick."

What do you call a sick nut?

Casheeew!

What do you call a sick flamingo?

A phlegmingo

Joseph didn't want to go to the United Nations meeting. He called in sick.

I guess he was Stalin.