Apparently, "A meal for two with a hairy view" is *not* an appropriate way of calling out number 69...
Host: "Hello caller, how can I help you."
Hus: "I think my wife is cheating on me, so last night I hid behind my boat and waited for her to come home. Soon a strange car pulled up. As she got out of the passenger side she was buttoning her blouse."
Host: "I see... so what's your question?"
Hus: "When I was behind the boat, I noticed a crack in the outboard bracket...can that be welded?"
...On my first day of training, my manager said;
"Let me show you the ropes!"
He was rushed to emergency, and went immediately into surgery.
It appeared that 40 years of calling bingo games in smoky halls had finally caught-up with him.
The surgeon successfully removed a mass that was blocking his windpipe.
After waking from the surgery, the caller asked the surgeon if the mass was malignant.
The surgeon replied, "Fortunately, no. It was B9."
Caller: Mr. Brown, my son James will not come to school today because he is sick.
Teacher: Who am I speaking to please?
Caller: I am my father.
An Emergency Call Centre operator has been fired in Bradford
It seems that a caller dialed 999 from a mobile phone stating, "I am depressed and lying on a railway line so that when the train comes I can finally meet my maker."
To which the call centre employee replied, "Remain calm and stay on the line."
Men's Helpline
"Hello, you have reached the Men's Help Line, my name is Bob. How can I help you?"
"Hi Bob, I really need your advice on a serious problem. I have suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me. You know, just the usual signs: The phone rings and when I answer, the caller hangs up. Plus, she goes out with the girls a lot. I usually try to stay awake to look out for her when she comes home, but I always fall asleep. Anyway, last night about midnight, I woke up and she was not home. So, I hid in the garage, behind my boat and waited for her. When she came home, she got out of someone's car, buttoning her blouse. Then she took her panties out of her purse and slipped them on. It was at that moment, while crouching behind the boat, that I noticed a hairline crack in the outboard motor mounting bracket. Is that something I can weld, or do I need to replace the whole bracket?"
MEN"S HELP LINE, "Hello, my name is Bob. How can I help you?"
Caller: "Hi, Bob, I really need your advice on a serious problem. I have suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me. The usual signs: If the phone rings and I answer, the caller hangs up. She goes out with 'the girls' a lot. I try to stay awake to look out for her when she comes home, but I usually fall asleep.
Anyway, last night about midnight, I hid in the shed behind the boat. When she came home, she got out of someone's car buttoning her blouse, then she took her panties out of her purse and slipped them on. It was at that moment, crouched behind the boat, that I noticed a hairline crack in the outboard motor mounting bracket.
Is that something I can weld, or do I need to replace the whole bracket?"
I phoned my local radio station today.
When the guy answered the phone he said, "Congratulations on being our 1st caller, all you have to do is answer the next question correctly to win our grand prize."
"Wahoo!" I shouted in delight.
"It's a Maths question," he said. "Feeling
confident?"
"I've got a degree in Maths and I teach it at my local school," I proudly replied.
"Okay then, to win 2 VIP tickets to see Justin Bieber and to meet him back stage afterwards, what's 2+2?"
"7," I replied.
The first caller get's through,
"Hello! What word do you think should be in the dictionary?"
"Goan!"
"Goan? Can you use it in a sentence?"
"Yeah, go'an fuck yerself!" The caller then begins laughing until the station can cut off his call.
After several more calls they get another man,
"And what's your word sir?"
"Smee!"
"Can you use it in a sentence?"
"Aye! S'mee again! *Go'an fuck yerself!*"
^^*edit* ^^- ^^thanks ^^for ^^the ^^gold ^^stranger
Me- No, but the dishwasher is..
Prank Caller- Huh???
Me- Yeah my wife's out on a jog...
A phone call comes through to a families home and the son looks at it and yells "Dad should I take this"
The dad yells back "who is it calling?"
Son: "It says private caller"
Dad: "Don't answer!! We only take calls from lieutenant callers or higher!!"
A radio station is having a contest. To win a $50 Visa card, the caller must state a made-up word. The catch is that the made-up word must sound like a combination of words and be able to be used in a sentence.
DJ: "Alright, caller number one, what is your word?"
Caller#1: "Go-an."
DJ: "And can you use that in a sentence?"
Caller#1: "Yes. Go-an fuck yourself-"
The caller is immediately cut short and a second contestant calls in, but fails to win because his sentence is unintelligible. The DJ is running out of time.
DJ: "Alright, for the last chance to win a $50 Visa card, would caller number three state their word."
Caller#3: "Smee."
DJ: "And can you use it in a sentence?"
Caller#3: "Smee again! Go-an fuck yourself."
Principal: "Hello?"
Caller: "Umm yes hi, my son won't be coming to school today because he's got the flu."
Principal: "OK and who may I ask is speaking?"
Caller: "Umm my dad."
I started my new job as a bingo caller last night and halfway through calling the numbers I farted loudly.
My boss immediately came over and whispered in my ear, "Don't do that again."
"Sorry," I said, "It must be the nerves."
"Fair enough," he replied, "But there was no need to hold the microphone to your arse."
A radio station was running a competition – words that weren't in the dictionary yet could still be used in a sentence that would make logical sense. The prize was a trip to Bali.
DJ: 96 FM here, what's your name?
Caller: Hi, my name's Dave.
DJ: Dave, what's your word?
Caller: Goan... spelt G-O-A-N pronounced 'go-an'.
DJ: You are correct, Dave, 'goan' is not in the dictionary. Now, for a trip to Bali: What sentence can you use that word in that would make sense?
Caller: Goan fuck yourself!
The DJ cut the caller off and took other calls, all unsuccessful until:
DJ: 96 FM, what's your name?
Caller: Hi, me name's Jeff.
DJ: Jeff, what's your word?
Caller: Smee, spelt S-M-E-E, pronounced 'smee'.
DJ: You are correct, Jeff, 'smee' is not in the dictionary. Now, for a trip to Bali: What sentence can you use that word in that would make sense?
Caller: Smee again! Goan fuck yourself! ?
I've never talked about this before, but I really need the boards advice on what could be a crucial decision. I've suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me.
The usual signs… Phone rings but if I answer, the caller hangs up.
My wife has been going out with the girls a lot recently although when I ask their names she always says, Just some friends from work, you don't know them.
I always stay awake to look out for her taxi coming home, but she always walks down the drive. Although I can hear a car driving off, as if she has gotten out of the car round the corner. Why? Maybe she wasn't in a taxi?
I once picked her cell phone up just to see what time it was and she went berserk and screamed that I should never touch her phone again and why was I checking up on her.
Anyway, I have never approached the subject with my wife I think deep down I just didn't want to know the truth, but last night she went out again and I decided to really check on her.
I decided I was going to park my motorcycle next to the garage and then hide behind it so I could get a good view of the whole street when she came home. It was at that moment, crouching behind my bike , that I noticed that the valve covers on my engine seemed to be leaking a little oil.
Is this something I can fix myself or should I take it back to the dealer?
Mom: It's a private caller.
Dad: Don't answer that. We only pick up for ranks Lieutenant Caller and higher.
This is how it goes:
Manager: hello?
Caller: hey, I would like to work at your circus...
For 10,000$ a show.
Manager: are you crazy?! What do you even do that you charge so much?!
Caller:I can speak German and English .
Manager: that is what you wake me up for?? Go to hell.
Caller: but sir you don't understand, I'm a dog.
A local FM Radio was running a contest, and I phoned in. The Radio Jockey said, "Congratulations on being our first caller, all you have to do is answer the following question correctly, to win our grand prize."
"That's fantastic!" I shouted in delight.
"Feel confident?" she asked. "It's a maths question."
"Well, I've got a degree in Maths" I replied.
"O.k then, to win our grand prize of 2 front row seats for Trump's next speech and to meet him back stage, followed by dinner with him... What is 2+2 ?"
"767.37" I replied,
An Emergency Call Centre worker in London has been fired, much to the dismay of her colleagues who are reportedly unhappy with
her dismissal.
It seems a male caller dialed 999 from a mobile phone stating: "I am depressed and lying here on a railway track. I am waiting for the train to come so I can finally meet Allah."
Apparently, "Keep calm and stay on the line," was not considered to be an appropriate response.....
So there's a radio station contest and you need to ring in with a made up word, the two criterion being: you need to be able to use it in a sentence and it needs to not be in the dictionary.
(RA - radio announcer, C - caller)
RA: Hello? We have our first caller on the line! Please state your word and spelling.
C: G'day mate, it's Bob from the bush and I got a word for ya: gaan. You spell it as G A A N.
RA: Well, very well, our experts are just confirming that the word doesn't exist in the dictionary. Can you put it in a sentence?
C: Oh, ye... Gaan fuck yourself.
RA: *- hangs up -* Ladies & Gentlemen, please be aware we're a family radio station and vulgarities are completely unacceptable.
*a bit of time passes, lots of people ring and their words are just not good, then suddenly another caller*
RA: Hello? We have another caller on the line! Please state your word and spelling.
C: Hello RA, this is Cameron Roflington and my word is SMEE. That's S M E E
RA: Well, very well, our experts are just confirming that the word doesn't exist in the dictionary. Can you put it in a sentence?
C: Smee again, gaan fuck yourself.
Apparently "A meal for two with a hairy view" is not the way you say 69.
She wasn't wearing her seat-belt.
Credit goes to some caller on the Dean Blundell show. I couldn't make that up
The phone rings at Smith and Associates Law Firm. The receptionist answers, and the voice on the other end says"I'd like to speak to Mr. Smith the lawyer please." The receptionist asks in a somber tone,"Are you a client of Mr. Smith's?" "No," the caller says "but my ex wife was." the receptionist responds, "I'm deeply saddened to inform you that Mr. Smith passed away last night." "Thank you," the caller says and hangs up. Only minutes later, the receptionist picks up the phone to hear the same voice ask, "can I speak to Mr. Smith? ". Confused, she again replies, "I'm sorry but Mr. Smith passed away last night. The caller hangs up, but moments later calls back and asks to speak to Mr. Smith. "Look, "the receptionist says in frustration, "I've tool you twice already Mr. Smith is dead!" "I know," the caller says cheerfully, "but I just so enjoy hearing it!"
An Emergency Call Centre worker has been fired in Toronto much to the dismay of her colleagues, who were unhappy with her dismissal.
It seems that a caller dialled 911 from a cell phone stating, "I am depressed and lying on a railway line so that when the train comes I can finally meet Allah."
To which the call centre employee replied, "Remain calm and stay on the line
A woman answered a call from an unknown number.
"Hello," said the obscene caller, as he breathed heavily, "if you can guess what's in my hand, I'll give you a piece of the action."
Listen honey," drawled the lady, "if you can hold it in one hand, I ain't interested"
This a translation of an old russian joke that i heard as a kid, hope you like it:
A 24 hour pharmacy gets a call at midnight. The caller asks whether they have tampons in store. Yes answers the pharmacist, we have plenty of tampons. Well then shove them in your ass, says the caller and hangs up. The next day the pharmacist gets another call at midnight. Again he tells the caller that he has a lot of tampons in store. To this the caller tells him to shove all those tampons in his ass. The third night the phone rings again. Angrily the pharmacists picks up the phone. Do you have tampons? asks the caller. NO I DONT HAVE ANY TAMPONS IN STORE, yells the pharmacist in the phone. Well perhaps you shouldnt have shoved them all in your ass then says the caller and hangs up.
The first caller gets through.
"Hello! What word do you think should be in the dictionary?"
"Goan!"
"Goan? Can you use it in a sentence?"
"Yeah, go'an fuck yerself!" The caller then begins laughing until the station can cut off his call.
After several more calls they get another man,
"And what's your word sir?"
"Smee!"
"Can you use it in a sentence?"
"Aye! S'mee again! Go'an fuck yerself!"
Caller: Peotone St. at Charlevoix
911: Can you spell that?
Caller: Look, I'll drag him to 3rd and Oak - send the ambulance there.
True story...
The host asked for people to call in with a four-letter word that isn't in the English language, but should be, and to use it in a sentence.
A caller says, "G-O-A-N, pronounced go-an. I can use it in a sentence. Goan fuck yourself!" The host stumbles for words as the call goes dead.
A few minutes later, a caller says, "S-M-E-E, pronounced smee. I can use it in a sentence. Smee again, goan fuck yourself!"
Operator: "Yes."
Caller: "Can you tell me how to make Sangria?"
"Hi there caller, you're through to Babestation. What's your name, sexy?"
"Michael. My name's Michael."
"Nice name. My stepdad's called Michael."
"Yeah, I kn... err, rub your tits a bit more for me, please."
A radio station was running a competition – words that weren't in the dictionary yet could still be used in a sentence that would make logical sense. The prize was a trip to Bali.
DJ: 96 FM here, what's your name?
Caller: Hi, my name's Dave.
DJ: Dave, what's your word?
Caller: Goan... spelt G-O-A-N pronounced 'go-an'.
DJ: You are correct, Dave, 'goan' is not in the dictionary. Now, for a trip to Bali: What sentence can you use that word in that would make sense?
Caller: Goan fuck yourself!
The DJ cut the caller off and took other calls, all unsuccessful until:
DJ: 96 FM, what's your name?
Caller: Hi, me name's Jeff.
DJ: Jeff, what's your word?
Caller: Smee, spelt S-M-E-E, pronounced 'smee'.
DJ: You are correct, Jeff, 'smee' is not in the dictionary. Now, for a trip to Bali: What sentence can you use that word in that would make sense?
Caller: Smee again! Goan fuck yourself!
I have suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me. Some of the signs are if the phone rings and I answer, the caller hangs up. She also goes out with the girls a lot.
Anyway last night about midnight I hid in the shed behind the boat. When she came home she got out of someone's car buttoning up her blouse, then she took her panties out of her purse and slipped them on.
It was at that moment while I was crouched behind the boat that I noticed a hairline crack in the outboard engine mounting bracket.
Is that something I can weld or do I need to replace the whole bracket?
Please advise me ASAP since I'm quite worried about this.
Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking with someone about Caller? Well, here are the best Caller dad jokes to laugh out loud. Crazy funny puns and Caller pick up lines to share with friends.