The Best 61 Called Jokes

My favourite sex position is called "WOW" ...

It's where I flip your MOM over

I called my wife at work and asked, "Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone's got a voodoo doll of you and they're stabbing it?" Sounding concerned, she said, "No."

I responded, "How about now?"

I called two girls hipsters and got slapped.

Apparently the correct term is "conjoined twins".

"Hey dad why is my sister called Teresa ?"

"Because your mum loves easter and it's an anagram of easter !"

"Thanks dad !"

"No problem Alan"

Given that a radiator is essentially a vital organ to a car, it's strange that the town in the movie Cars is called "Radiator Springs."

It would be like if we called a city "Liver Pool."

What's it called when a King and Queen have no children?

A receding heir line...

What's it called when a chameleon can't change its colors anymore?

A reptile dysfunction.

I called a suicide hotline in Iraq..

They got excited and asked if I could drive a truck.

I called work this morning and whispered, "Sorry boss, I can't come in today. I have a wee cough." He exclaimed, "You have a wee cough!?"

I said, "Really?! Thanks boss, see you next week!"

A guy walks into a bar

A guy walks into a crowded local bar, holding a pistol in his hand and yelling, I have a 45 caliber pistol here with seven rounds in the barrel plus one in the chamber and I want to know who's been sleeping with my wife.
A voice from the other end of the bar called out, You'll need more ammo

Did you know that a group of crows is called a murder?

Well, technically it's only a murder if there's probable caws.

I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me his laptop and said

"I want you to try to sell this to me."

So I put it under my arm, walked out of the building, and went home.

Eventually he called me and said "Bring my laptop back here right now!"

I said "$200 and it's yours."

The sex position formerly known as 69 is now called 96.

Due to the economy, the cost of eating out has gone up.

If Al Gore tried his hand as a musician, his album would be called...

**Algorithms.**

Girlfriend thought of this while doing dishes earlier.... I could hear her laughing to herself in the other room for almost 10 minutes.

If Al Gore started a math rock band it should be called Algorhythm

If sex with three people is called a threesome and sex with four people is called a foursome, I guess now it's clear why everyone calls me handsome.

If I got $1 every time somebody called me a racist

black people would rob me

A senior citizen called her husband during his drive home.

"Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on Interstate 90, Please be careful!"

Herman said, "It's not just one car. There's hundreds of them!"

I'm writing a book called 'Stop Overreacting.'

If no one buys it I'm going to kill myself.

I just installed a new app on my phone that lets me know which of my friends are racist.

It's called 'Facebook'

My girlfriend's father called me a pedophile just because she's 22 and I'm 36.

Completely ruined our 10-year anniversary.

If 4 people have sex is called a four-some

3 people have sex is a three-some
and 2 people have sex is a two-some

Now you know why they call me handsome

I used to be in a band called 'Missing Cat'

You've probably seen our posters.

Masturbating

An 8-year-old choir boy catches the priest masturbating.

He said, "What are you doing father?"

"It's called masturbating," the priest replied. "You'll be doing this soon."

"Why father?" he asked.

"Because my wrist is killing me," the priest replied.

I thought me and my girlfriend had something. She met my parents, brought me dinner and called me honey. Now suddenly...

She's just a "waitress" and she was just "doing her job".

What is it called when you die and come back as a hillbilly?

Reintarnation

I called the Suicide hotline today

They left me hanging

TIL of a reality show where the goal is to do as much drugs as possible without dying or getting caught.

It's called the Tour de France.

Why are catholic priests called father?

Because "daddy" would be too suspicious

I went to an Art Gallery, it was $60 to enter and $80 to look at each picture.

It was called Electronic Arts.

Having sex with four people is called a foursome, having sex with three people is called a threesome

Now I know why people call me handsome

If I had a dollar for everytime someone called me a boring nerd..

I'd have a mean daily income of $5.64 with a standard deviation of $1.25

My wife just called me and said, "Three of the girls in the office have just received some flowers for Valentines Day. They are absolutely gorgeous!"

I repied, "That's probably why they've received flowers then."

Rumor is that Toy Story 4 will focus on

Andy's mother's toys, which coincidentally are called Woody and Buzz too.

Whoever coined the phrase dad bod missed a golden opportunity...

Should've called it "the Father-figure"

If Facebook buys Gmail, instead of 'mark as read' the feature will be called,

'Mark has read'.

What's the male version of a Karen called?

I don't know but a group of them is called a Senate.

Mexico called.

They are willing to pay for the wall now.

So I asked my girlfriend what she would want for her birthday next week

She said: "Well, I dreamt of a golden ring with lots of small diamonds."

I asked her: "What do you think it means?"

She smiled and said: "I don't know..."

Flash forward to her birthday, with all our family members at the table, I gave her my present.

I still don't know why she didn't like this book called 'Dreams and their Meanings'.

What is a Karen called in Europe?

An American.

I want to know if this brazillian joke makes sense in other cultures

A woman went out and did not return home. On the next day she told her husband that she had slept at her friend's house. Not believing her, the husband called 10 of her best friends and none of them knew what he was talking about.

A man went out and did not return home. On the next day, he told his wife he had slept at his friend's house. Not believing him, the wife called 10 of his best friends. 8 of them confirmed that he had spent the night there and the other 2 said he was still there.

What's the difference between a tire and 365 used condoms?

One is called a Goodyear, and the other is called a great year.

A man was sued by a woman for defamation of character. She charged that he had called her a pig. The man was found guilty and fined.

After the trial he asked the judge "This means that I cannot call Mrs. Johnson a pig?" The judge said that was true.

Does this also mean I cannot call a pig Mrs. Johnson?" the man asked. The judge replied that he could indeed call a pig Mrs. Johnson with no fear of legal action.

With that the man turned to his accuser and said "Good afternoon, Mrs. Johnson".

My favourite sex position is called "WOW"...

Its when I flip your MOM.

My favorite sex position is called "the JFK"...

She screams and tries to crawl out of the back seat while I go splooey all over her dress.

My wife is pregnant with a boy and i want to call him Lance

My wife said its such an uncommon name.

So i told her back in medievil days people were called Lance a lot

The 10th Fast and Furious film should be called....

Fast 10 Your Seat Belt.

The movie Speed didn't have a director...

Because if Speed had direction, it would have been called Velocity.

I bought a sail for my boat on Amazon the other day. Today it dawned on me that it's not the right size so I called to cancel. They said it's too late.

That sail has shipped.

The son of a bitch

Henry was doing maths homework, saying to himself...

"2+5, the son of a bitch is 7"

"3+6, the son of a bitch is 9"

His mother heard this & asked, " Henry ! What is this nonsense you are doing?"

"Oh Mom. Don't disturb. I am doing my maths homework"

Mom: "Is this how your teacher taught you?"

"Yes mom "

Infuriated mother picked up her cell phone and called the teacher:

"Are you teaching maths to children by saying... 2+2, the son of a bitch is 4?"

There was silence for a moment

Then the teacher started laughing :

"What I taught them was... 2+2 THE SUM OF WHICH IS 4."

***

I called the tinnitus hotline

but it just kept ringing :/

TIL in germany when someone is diagnosed with coeliac disease other coeliacs will chase and try and hit them with bread to make them feel welcomed.

It's called gluten tag.

A blonde woman called her brunette friend. "I'm doing a jigsaw puzzle at my apartment, but it's way too hard for me!"

"What's the jigsaw supposed to be?" asks the brunette.

"According to the box," says the blonde, "it's supposed to be a rooster."

When the brunette arrives at the blonde's apartment, she looks at the puzzle pieces. Then she look at the box. Then she says to the blonde, "I'm afraid you will not be able to make anything even remotely resembling a rooster."

This makes the blonde furious. "Calm down," says the brunette. "Once you are relaxed, we can start putting the corn flakes back into the box."

Yesterday I dressed up as a woman to further understand the struggles women deal with every day.

Apparently, women are often called a cross-dressing weirdo .

My wife called me this morning to say the dishwasher was leaking...

...so I came home with tampons.

after 3 weeks of lockdon

I was thinking a bit about Bin Laden. He stayed at home with 3 wives for 5 years. I'm beginning to suspect he called the Navy Seals himself

If the Nazis had won WWII and set up the Thousand Year Reich, what would they have called their leader?

*The Kaiser Permanente*

Jimmy had five sons named Rudy, Rudy, Rudy, Rudy and Rudy. How did he tell them apart?

He called them by their last name.

The wife & I were staying at a fancy high rise hotel when the argument started.

Things didnt get any better as the night went on. She started to threaten that she would jump out the window. In a panic I called the front desk. They asked how could they help? I said you better send body up here right away, the window wont open.

What's a scandinavian with sleep apnea called?

A snorewegian