called Jokes

funny jokes and hilarious called stories

What are the best Called puns and pranks?

Did you ever wanted to prank someone about Called? Well here is a complete list of Called to have fun with:

My favourite sex position is called "WOW" ...

It's where I flip your MOM over

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I called my wife at work and asked, "Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone's got a voodoo doll of you and they're stabbing it?" Sounding concerned, she said, "No."



I responded, "How about now?"

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I called two girls hipsters and got slapped.

Apparently the correct term is "conjoined twins".

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"Hey dad why is my sister called Teresa ?"

"Because your mum loves easter and it's an anagram of easter !"

"Thanks dad !"

"No problem Alan"

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Given that a radiator is essentially a vital organ to a car, it's strange that the town in the movie Cars is called "Radiator Springs."

It would be like if we called a city "Liver Pool."

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What's it called when a King and Queen have no children?

A receding heir line...

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What's it called when a chameleon can't change its colors anymore?

A reptile dysfunction.

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I told my son, You will marry the girl I choose.


He said, NO!

I told him, She is Bill Gates' daughter.

He said, OK.

I called Bill Gates and said, I want your daughter to marry my son.

Bill Gates said, NO.

I told Bill Gates, My son is the CEO of World Bank.

Bill Gates said, OK.

I called the President of World Bank and asked him to make my son the CEO.

He said, NO.

I told him, My son is Bill Gates' son-in-law.

He said, OK.

This is how politics works.

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I called a suicide hotline in Iraq..

They got excited and asked if I could drive a truck.

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I called work this morning and whispered, "Sorry boss, I can't come in today. I have a wee cough." He exclaimed, "You have a wee cough!?"

I said, "Really?! Thanks boss, see you next week!"

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A guy walks into a bar

A guy walks into a crowded local bar, holding a pistol in his hand and yelling, I have a 45 caliber pistol here with seven rounds in the barrel plus one in the chamber and I want to know who's been sleeping with my wife.
A voice from the other end of the bar called out, You'll need more ammo

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Did you know that a group of crows is called a murder?

Well, technically it's only a murder if there's probable caws.

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I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me his laptop and said

"I want you to try to sell this to me."

So I put it under my arm, walked out of the building, and went home.

Eventually he called me and said "Bring my laptop back here right now!"

I said "$200 and it's yours."

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The sex position formerly known as 69 is now called 96.

Due to the economy, the cost of eating out has gone up.

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I need you to masturbate.

Employee : Sir, you called me?

Boss : Yeah, I need you to go to the rest room and masturbate.

Employee : (After a few minutes) Done, sir. Anything else that you'd like me to do?

Boss : Do it again.

Employee : (after a few minutes) Done again, sir. Anything else?

Boss : Do it once more.

Employee : I'm really sorry sir, but I don't have any stamina left now. I can't do it anymore.

Boss : Very good, here are my car
keys, drop my daughter home.

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Parking Tickets

So the other day I went to the supermarket, and I was there for literally 5 minutes. When I came out there was a motorcycle cop writing a parking ticket. So I went up to him and said, "Come on, buddy, how about giving a guy a break?"

He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. So I called him a pencil-necked Nazi lover. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for worn tires!

So I then asked him if his psychiatrist makes him lie face down on the couch cause he's so ugly. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket!

This went on for about 20 minutes... the more I insulted him, the more tickets he wrote. I didn't care. My car was parked around the corner.

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If Al Gore tried his hand as a musician, his album would be called...

**Algorithms.**

Girlfriend thought of this while doing dishes earlier.... I could hear her laughing to herself in the other room for almost 10 minutes.

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If Al Gore started a math rock band it should be called Algorhythm

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When 2 people have sex it's called a twosome. When 3 people do it it's called a threesom

I guess that's why they call me handsome...

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TIL that the toothbrush was invented in West Virginia...

otherwise it would have been called the teethbrush.

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I was depressed last night so I called a self-help phone line...

Got a call centre in Afghanistan, and told them I was suicidal.

They got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck...

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My new favorite sex position is called "wow".

It's where I turn your mom upside down.

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Poker is like sex

If you don't have a good partner, you better have a good hand

Edit 1: when you cheat in poker you have a partner

Edit 2: this is getting more upvotes than I thought it would get but before someone calls me out on it. This was a Mae West quote about bridge and several Internet memes put poker instead of bridge because more people play poker than bridge and when you cheat in poker you have partners(the poker strategy is called collusion)

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A lady and her butler

A rich couple was going out for the evening. The lady of the house decided to give the butler, Throckmorton, the night off.

She said they would be home very late and he should just enjoy his evening.

As it turned out, the wife didn't have a good time at the party, so she came home early. She walked into the house and eyed Throckmorton sitting alone in the dining room. She called for him to follow her. She led him to the master bedroom. She closed and locked the door. She looked at him and smiled.

"Throckmorton. Take off my dress." He did so, carefully.

"Throckmorton. Take off my stockings and garter." He silently obeyed her.

"Throckmorton. Remove my bra and panties." The tension mounted as he complied.

Finally she looked at him and said, "Throckmorton. If I ever catch you wearing my clothes again, you're fired."

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Found 4 fox cubs

I called the ISPCA today and said, "I've just found a suitcase in the woods containing a fox and four cubs."

"That's terrible," the woman on the phone replied. "Are they moving?"

"I'm not sure, to be honest," I said, "But that would explain the suitcase."

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The phone bill was exceptionally high. The man of the house called a family meeting to discuss.

The phone bill was exceptionally high. The man of the house called a family meeting to discuss.

Dad: This is unacceptable. I don't use the home phone. I use my work phone.

Mum: Me too, I hardly use the home phone. I use my company's phone.

Son: I use the cell phone given to me by my office. I never use the home phone.

All of them shocked and together look at the maid who is patiently listening to them.

Maid: What? so we all use our work phones. What's the big deal??

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Little Johnny fell asleep in Sunday school...

The teacher asked, "Johnny, who is our Lord and savior?"
The boy behind him poked him in the back with a pin.
Johnny shot upright and shouted, "Jesus Christ!"
"Correct," said the teacher.
Johnny then fell back asleep.
The teacher called on him again, "Johnny, who was Jesus's mother?"
Again, the boy behind Johnny poked him.
Johnny woke up again and exclaimed, "Mary mother of God!"
"Correct," said the teacher once more.
Johnny fell back asleep.
The teacher called on him one last time, "Johnny, can you tell me what Eve said to Adam after she gave birth to their 23rd child?"
The boy behind him poked him once more.
Johnny shot up and shouted, "YOU STICK THAT THING IN ME ONCE MORE AND I'LL SNAP IT IN HALF!"

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Why is the camel called the ship of the desert?

Because its full of Arab semen

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My band is called 1023MB

We haven't gotten a gig yet

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A woman and a man are lying in bed

A woman and a man are lying in bed next to each other when her phone rings.

She picks up, the man looks over at her and listens. She is speaking in a cheery voice, "Hi. I'm so glad you called. Really? That's wonderful. I'm so happy for you. That sounds terrifiic. Great! Thanks. Okay. Bye bye."

She hangs up and the man asks, "Who was that?"

"Oh," she replies, "that was my husband telling me about the great time he's having on his fishing trip with you."

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Who says men don't remember?

A couple were Christmas shopping. The shopping center was packed , and as the wife walked through one of the malls she was surprised when she looked around to find that her husband was nowhere to be seen. She was quite upset because they had a lot to do and so she became so worried that she called him on her mobile phone to ask him where he was.

In a quiet voice he said, "Do you remember the jewelers we went into about five years ago where you fell in love with that diamond necklace that we couldn't afford, and I told you that I would get it for you one day?"

The wife choked up and started to cry and said, "Yes, I do remember that shop."

He replied, "Well, I'm in the pub next door."

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Wife Missing

My wife has been missing for a week. The police called me and said to prepare for the worst. So I went back to Goodwill and bought all her clothes back.

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Last day of work...(nsfw)

I called my boss and asked him "What's the difference between this morning and your daughter?" Just as he was about to reply I cut him off and said "I'm not coming in this morning."

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There's a band called 1023MB.

You haven't heard of them because they haven't made it to a gig yet.

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A nun was sitting in the bath....

....when there was a knock on the door.

Oh no, she thought. I can't let anyone in here while I'm taking a bath. "Who is it?" she called out in trepidation.

"It's the blind man," came the reply.

Well, I suppose if it's a blind man there's no harm letting him in, thought the nun, and she told the man to come in.

A man in overalls walked in holding a tape measure and wearing a tool belt. "Nice tits love," he said. "Where do you want your blind?"

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Wife to husband: "Our son called me a whore!"

Husband answers: "Where is that son of a bitch?"

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Johnny wanted to have sex with a girl in his office, but she was dating someone else…

Johnny wanted to have sex with a girl in his office, but she was dating someone else. One day, Johnny got so frustrated that he went up to her and said, I'll give you a $100 if you let me screw you. But the girl said NO. Johnny said, I'll be fast. I'll throw the money on the floor, you bend down, and I'll be finished by the time you pick it up. She thought for a moment and said that she would have to consult her boyfriend… So she called her boyfriend and told him the story. Her boyfriend says, Ask him for $200, pick up the money very fast, he won't even be able to get his pants down. So she agrees and accepts the proposal. Half an hour goes by, and the boyfriend is waiting for his girlfriend to call. Finally, after 45 minutes, the boyfriend calls and asks what happened.
She replied ''I've only just finished picking it up, the bastard used change''

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You guys know how the toothbrush was invented in the south?

Because if it was invented in the north, it would've been called a teethbrush.

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Everyone called me a pedophile

My girlfriend and I walked into a local bar last night and everyone started calling me a pedophile and a criminal only because i'm 43 and she's 20. It completely ruined our 10th anniversary

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A wife was dying.

A wife was dying. She called her husband and said, "Gary, I've been unfaithful."

Gary answered, "I know. That's why I poisoned you."

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Friendship between men and women

Friendship between women:

A woman didn't come home one night. The next day she told her husband she had slept over at a friend's house. The man called his wife's 10 best friends. None of them knew about it.

Friendship between men:

A man didn't come home one night. The next day he told his wife that he had slept over at a friend's house. The woman called her husband's 10 best friends. Eight of them confirmed that he had slept over, and two claimed that he was still there.

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Why is there no black character in the game "Clue"?

Because then it would be called "Solved."

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My 6 year old son caught me masturbating this
morning...

He said, "What are you doing daddy?"
"It's called wanking," I replied. "You'll be doing this soon."
"Why, daddy?" he asked.
"Because my arm is fucking killing me."

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An old lady was tired of her hard life and wanted to commit suicide.

She decided the best way to die was to shoot herself through the heart, but she doesn't know where the heart is. So she called her doctor and asked.

The doctor told her the heart is located 2 inches below the left nipple.

The old lady hung up and shot herself in her knee.

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"So I went to this convention called, "Ladies Without Legs", and man...

was that place crawling with pussy." - Willie Nelson

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There once was an Indian who had only one testicle...

There once was an Indian who had only one testicle and whose given name was 'Onestone'. He hated that name and asked everyone not to call him Onestone.


After years and years of torment, Onestone finally cracked and said,' If anyone calls me Onestone again I will kill them!' The word got around and nobody called him that any more.


Then one day a young woman named Blue Bird forgot and said, 'Good morning, Onestone.'


He jumped up, grabbed her and took her deep into the forest where he made love to her all day and all night. He made love to her all the next day, until Blue Bird died from exhaustion. The word got around that Onestone meant what he promised he would do.


Years went by and no one dared call him by his given name until a woman named Yellow Bird returned to the village after being away. Yellow Bird, who was Blue Bird's cousin, was overjoyed when she saw Onestone.


She hugged him and said, 'Good to see you, Onestone.'


Onestone grabbed her, took her deep into the forest, then he made love to her all day, made love to her all night, made love to her all the next day, made love to her all the next night, but Yellow Bird wouldn't die!


Why???


Everyone knows... You can't kill Two Birds with OneStone!!!

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[NSFW] Anne recently noticed she had hair growing between her legs...

Frantic, she asks her mom what's going on.

Her mother replies, "Don't worry sweetie, the part where the hair grows is called the Monkey. Be proud that your Monkey is growing hair."

The girl sighs in relief, and later at the dinner table she smiled and told her older sister Beth, "I've got hair growing on my Monkey."

The sister laughs and replies back, "That's nothing, mine is already eating bananas."

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My computer has a virus that causes unblockable popups and constantly demands my personal information...

...it's called Norton

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My Girlfriend's Got A Puncture

My new girlfriend's car got a flat tyre as we were on our way to see my parents, so I called them up and said, "Sorry Mum, I'm going to be late, my girlfriend's got a puncture."

"Oh John!" she sighed. "I thought you had a real one this time."

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Considerate.

*An old silly one...but a grin inducer nevertheless*

Mr. Fienstein called the FM radio station and said "I've found a wallet with $400, a credit card and an ID card belonging to Mr. Smith, No.13,Halls Rd, Jackson, TN."
To which the radio jockey says " Oh how honest. So you want his wallet returned back to him?"

Mr. Fieinstein says "No……. I just wanted you to play a sad song for him".

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CONCLUSION

You've read some of the best called jokes of all time. Most of the stories are suitable for kids with good sense of humor, children or teens boys and girls, of course dads. You must supervise kids not to read pranks for adults. Note that some jokes are disgusting, filled with black humor so don't tell dirty called gags to your kids. These jokes are updated with new ones in December 2019.

How do I make my girlfriend or boyfriend laughs? Well, this list of funny stories will make you cry in laughter. Some of these called jokes are funny and some are hilarious.

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