Called Jokes

My favourite s**... position is called "WOW" ...

It's where I flip your MOM over

I called my wife at work and asked, "Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone's got a voodoo doll of you and they're stabbing it?" Sounding concerned, she said, "No."

I responded, "How about now?"

Given that a radiator is essentially a vital o**... to a car, it's strange that the town in the movie Cars is called "Radiator Springs."

It would be like if we called a city "Liver Pool."

I called a s**... hotline in Iraq..

They got excited and asked if I could drive a truck.

I called work this morning and whispered, "Sorry boss, I can't come in today. I have a wee cough." He exclaimed, "You have a wee cough!?"

I said, "Really?! Thanks boss, see you next week!"

A guy walks into a bar

A guy walks into a crowded local bar, holding a p**... in his hand and yelling, I have a 45 caliber p**... here with seven rounds in the barrel plus one in the chamber and I want to know who's been sleeping with my wife.
A voice from the other end of the bar called out, You'll need more ammo

Did you know that a group of crows is called a m**...?

Well, technically it's only a m**... if there's probable caws.

I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me his laptop and said

"I want you to try to sell this to me."
So I put it under my arm, walked out of the building, and went home.
Eventually he called me and said "Bring my laptop back here right now!"
I said "$200 and it's yours."

The s**... position formerly known as 69 is now called 96.

Due to the economy, the cost of eating out has gone up.

If Al Gore tried his hand as a musician, his album would be called...

**Algorithms.**
Girlfriend thought of this while doing dishes earlier.... I could hear her laughing to herself in the other room for almost 10 minutes.

TIL that the toothbrush was invented in West Virginia...

otherwise it would have been called the teethbrush.

My new favorite s**... position is called "wow".

It's where I turn your mom upside down.

I was depressed last night so I called a self-help phone line...

Got a call centre in Afghanistan, and told them I was suicidal.
They got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck...

If Al Gore started a math rock band it should be called Algorhythm

Poker is like s**...

If you don't have a good partner, you better have a good hand
Edit 1: when you cheat in poker you have a partner
Edit 2: this is getting more upvotes than I thought it would get but before someone calls me out on it. This was a Mae West quote about bridge and several Internet memes put poker instead of bridge because more people play poker than bridge and when you cheat in poker you have partners(the poker strategy is called collusion)

When 2 people have s**... it's called a twosome. When 3 people do it it's called a threesom

I guess that's why they call me handsome...

If s**... with three people is called a t**... and s**... with four people is called a f**..., I guess now it's clear why everyone calls me handsome.

If I got $1 every time somebody called me a racist

black people would rob me

A senior citizen called her husband during his drive home.

"Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on Interstate 90, Please be careful!"
Herman said, "It's not just one car. There's hundreds of them!"

I called the cops about a m**... on my front lawn and they just hung up.

They said that couldn't do anything about crows and to stop calling.

I'm writing a book called 'Stop Overreacting.'

If no one buys it I'm going to kill myself.

"Dad, why is my sister called Paris?"

"Because we conceived her in Paris."
"Ahh, thanks Dad! "
"You're welcome, Backseat."

I just installed a new app on my phone that lets me know which of my friends are racist.

It's called 'Facebook'

If 4 people have s**... is called a four-some

3 people have s**... is a three-some
and 2 people have s**... is a two-some
Now you know why they call me handsome

I used to be in a band called 'Missing Cat'

You've probably seen our posters.

m**...

An 8-year-old choir boy catches the priest m**....
He said, "What are you doing father?"
"It's called m**...," the priest replied. "You'll be doing this soon."
"Why father?" he asked.
"Because my wrist is killing me," the priest replied.

I thought me and my girlfriend had something. She met my parents, brought me dinner and called me honey. Now suddenly...

She's just a "waitress" and she was just "doing her job".

What is it called when you die and come back as a h**...?

Reintarnation

I called the s**... hotline today

They left me hanging

TIL of a reality show where the goal is to do as much drugs as possible without dying or getting caught.

It's called the Tour de France.

Why are catholic priests called father?

Because "daddy" would be too suspicious

I went to an Art Gallery, it was $60 to enter and $80 to look at each picture.

It was called Electronic Arts.

Having s**... with four people is called a f**..., having s**... with three people is called a t**...

Now I know why people call me handsome

My wife just called me and said, "Three of the girls in the office have just received some flowers for Valentines Day. They are absolutely gorgeous!"

I repied, "That's probably why they've received flowers then."

Rumor is that Toy Story 4 will focus on

Andy's mother's toys, which coincidentally are called w**... and Buzz too.

Whoever coined the phrase dad bod missed a golden opportunity...

Should've called it "the Father-figure"

What's the male version of a Karen called?

I don't know but a group of them is called a Senate.

Mexico called.

They are willing to pay for the wall now.

So I asked my girlfriend what she would want for her birthday next week

She said: "Well, I dreamt of a golden ring with lots of small diamonds."
I asked her: "What do you think it means?"
She smiled and said: "I don't know..."
Flash forward to her birthday, with all our family members at the table, I gave her my present.
I still don't know why she didn't like this book called 'Dreams and their Meanings'.

I want to know if this brazillian joke makes sense in other cultures

A woman went out and did not return home. On the next day she told her husband that she had slept at her friend's house. Not believing her, the husband called 10 of her best friends and none of them knew what he was talking about.
A man went out and did not return home. On the next day, he told his wife he had slept at his friend's house. Not believing him, the wife called 10 of his best friends. 8 of them confirmed that he had spent the night there and the other 2 said he was still there.

What's the difference between a tire and 365 used condoms?

One is called a Goodyear, and the other is called a great year.

A fellow was walking along a country road when he came upon a farmer working in his field. The man called out to the farmer "How long will it take me to get to the next town?"

The farmer didn't answer. The guy waited a bit and then started walking again. After the man had gone about a hundred yards, the farmer yelled out "About 20 minutes.
Thank you. But why didn't you tell me that when I asked you?"
Didn't know how fast you could walk".

A man was sued by a woman for defamation of character. She charged that he had called her a pig. The man was found guilty and fined.

After the trial he asked the judge "This means that I cannot call Mrs. Johnson a pig?" The judge said that was true.
Does this also mean I cannot call a pig Mrs. Johnson?" the man asked. The judge replied that he could indeed call a pig Mrs. Johnson with no fear of legal action.
With that the man turned to his accuser and said "Good afternoon, Mrs. Johnson".

My favourite s**... position is called "WOW"...

Its when I flip your MOM.

My favorite s**... position is called "the JFK"...

She screams and tries to crawl out of the back seat while I go splooey all over her dress.

My wife is pregnant with a boy and i want to call him Lance

My wife said its such an uncommon name.
So i told her back in medievil days people were called Lance a lot

The movie Speed didn't have a director...

Because if Speed had direction, it would have been called Velocity.

I bought a sail for my boat on Amazon the other day. Today it dawned on me that it's not the right size so I called to cancel. They said it's too late.

That sail has shipped.

The son of a b**...

Henry was doing maths homework, saying to himself...
"2+5, the son of a b**... is 7"
"3+6, the son of a b**... is 9"
His mother heard this & asked, " Henry ! What is this nonsense you are doing?"
"Oh Mom. Don't disturb. I am doing my maths homework"
Mom: "Is this how your teacher taught you?"
"Yes mom "
Infuriated mother picked up her cell phone and called the teacher:
"Are you teaching maths to children by saying... 2+2, the son of a b**... is 4?"
There was silence for a moment
Then the teacher started laughing :
"What I taught them was... 2+2 THE SUM OF WHICH IS 4."
***

A blonde accidentally kills a cop and calls the police:

- Hello, is this 911?
- Yes, what is your emergency?
- I called to inform you that you're 910 now.

I called the tinnitus hotline

but it just kept ringing :/

I called up GameStop customer support

They told me to hold.

Carnival is offering a new voyage where you set sail and leave a bunch of senior citizens behind in the snow.

It's called a Ted Cruise

Did you hear? There's this app that lets you see which of your family members would have been n**... in WWII...

It's called Facebook.

A blonde woman called her brunette friend. "I'm doing a jigsaw puzzle at my apartment, but it's way too hard for me!"

"What's the jigsaw supposed to be?" asks the brunette.
"According to the box," says the blonde, "it's supposed to be a rooster."
When the brunette arrives at the blonde's apartment, she looks at the puzzle pieces. Then she look at the box. Then she says to the blonde, "I'm afraid you will not be able to make anything even remotely resembling a rooster."
This makes the blonde furious. "Calm down," says the brunette. "Once you are relaxed, we can start putting the corn flakes back into the box."

A woman sues a man for defamation of character, charging that he called her a pig.

The man is found guilty and made to pay damages. After the trial, he asks the judge, Does this mean that I can no longer call Ms. Harding a pig?
The judge says, That is correct.
And does it mean that I can't call a pig Ms. Harding?
No, says the judge, you are free to call a pig Ms. Harding. There is no crime in that.
The man looks Ms. Harding in the eye and says, Good afternoon, Ms. Harding.

A coworker named Celcius recently retired from my company, so they hired a guy called Kelvin to replace him.

He's the new temp.

I've been reading a book called How To Use A Ladder

Well, it's more of a step-by-step guide.

A racist man called me a t**... for having long hair, a long beard, and being Middle Eastern.

Later I saw him at church giving a speech about how everyone needs a Middle Eastern guy with long hair and a beard in their lives.

I was in a job interview today when the manager handed me his laptop and said, "I want you to try and sell this to me."

So I put it under my arm, walked out of the building and went home.
Eventually, he called me on my phone and said, "Bring it back here right now!"
I replied, "£100 and it's yours."

I was once on in a band called 1023MB

We were so close to our first GIG
​
(edited - XXXX MB is 1 GB. Its a binary joke and yes, it makes sense)
(edit 2 - KiB, MiB and GiB can toss it, 1111111111 )

I found a vinyl record called "Sounds of the Wasps." When I played it, I said to myself, "This doesn't sound like wasps."

I was right. I was playing the B-side.

Why does Russia put the letter Z on all their stuff?

Because they'd rather not be called "Not Z's"

I used to clean the toilets when I was in the army

They called me loo tenant

My daughter just asked me to call her iPad….

My 7 year old daughter was getting ready for bed and was looking for her iPad. Dad, can you call my iPad? She asked me. I was ready for this moment. Without hesitation I replied what do you want me to call it? She looked at me blankly. No…call my iPad she protested. I cupped my hand to my mouth and bellowed Emily's iPad over and over. She finally caught on and we shared a laugh. I called her iPad on my phone, it rang in the other room.

My favorite burn I've gotten for being trans

I was born female and transitioned to male. Early on in my transition, my gf and I were playing a video game, and I called her a noob when she died.
Her: Yeah okay Pinocchio.
Me: Pinocchio?
Her: You know... "I want to be a real boy!"

i invented a new word!

its called plagiarism

Avril Lavigne could have just called her song Skater boy instead of Sk8er Boi.

Why'd you have to go and make things so complicated?

President Biden has called for full legalization of m**...

Now it is up to Congress to hold a joint session.

My girlfriend called me a gullible idiot and said I shouldn't believe everything I see on the Internet

I told her I don't have to put up with this, not when there are desperate single milfs less than a mile away

A man walks into a library, goes to the librarian, and says "I'm looking for a book called 'Pavlov's Dog and Schrödinger's Cat".

The librarian says "That rings a bell, but I'm not sure if it's there or not".