Call Me Maybe Jokes
85 call me maybe jokes and hilarious call me maybe puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about call me maybe that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest Call Me Maybe Short Jokes
Short call me maybe jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The call me maybe humour may include short call me cuz jokes also.
- They should have a follow-up to the G7 summit a week later. They could call it the the C Major summit. Maybe that would resolve everything.
- No one laughed at my joke I made in school so maybe you guys will like it What do you call an english teacher who knows how to code
A pro-grammar - The Testicular Cancer Clinic called me and said, Did you get our email? I said No . They said, Maybe you should check your junk.
- We should start calling the planet "unborn baby" maybe then republicans would want to save it.
- If Juwan Howard needed to slap someone for calling a dumb timeout Maybe he should have started with Chris Webber
- Have you heard of Apple's version of the Google Glass? It's called the iBrowse.
I think this is OC but maybe it was stored in the back of my mind idk - Lovingly slow-cooked over an open flame... ...I served a female deer with herbs to my family at a recent dinner party.
Calling it "Spit-Roasted Dill Doe" was maybe a little unwise. - Call Me Maybe. Me: Alright, Maybe. But that's a strange name.
Maybe: Not really-- my parents chose it before I was born, when they were considering an abortion. - So you know the show Say Yes To The Dress There should be a show about women deciding whether or not to get an abortion called "Say Maybe To The Baby"
- I tried to call the president of Russia, but he was away from his desk. He was probably taking a leak, or maybe he was Putin.
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Call Me Maybe One Liners
Which call me maybe one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with call me maybe? I can suggest the ones about phone call and telephone call.
- I (maybe?) came up with this joke today. What do you call a lost caveman? A meanderthal.
- What do you call a bee that can't make up its mind? A Maybe.
- What do you call a bee born in May? Maybe
- What do you call a bee that can't make up its mind? A Maybe
....Ba Dum Tss - How do you call an indecisive bee? A maybe
- Here's my number , so call me maybe 6.022140857 × 1023
Thanks
Avagadro - What do you call an unsure sea lion? A maybe seal
- Maybe we should call school shooters transgender.
- If John Wick killed three men with a pencil... maybe he should be called John Bic
- I'm writing a book called 'Stop Overreacting.' But maybe I'm overreacting.
- I wonder what they called h**...'s autobiography in Zootopia... Maybe Lion Kampf?
Amusing & Witty Call Me Maybe Jokes for Laughter-Filled Fun
What funny jokes about call me maybe you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean answer the phone jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make call me maybe pranks.
At a Barrack, the commander calls the captain: "Take as many soldiers you need and start building additional toilets. The number of the people in need has increased!"
"I would suggest, sir, instead of building more toilets, maybe we should hire a new cook!"
I hear Taylor Swift's ex boyfriends are collabing on a new single called "Maybe You're The Problem".
Jimmy is calling Sergey, who he met at an international conference.
Jimmy: "Hi, I've hear there is minus 54 degrees Celsius."
Sergey: "Nonsense, not even minus 15!"
Jimmy: "But on CNN, they've just shown a thermometer..."
Sergey: "Ohh, ok, maybe outside."
Dating in 1962
It was a hot Saturday evening in the summer of 1962 and Fred had a date with Peggy Sue.
He arrived at her house and rang the bell.
"Oh, come on in!" Peggy Sue's mother said as she welcomed Fred in.
"Have a seat in the living room. Would you like something to drink? Lemonade? Iced tea?"
"Iced tea, please," Fred said. Mom brought the iced tea.
"So, what are you and Peggy planning to do tonight?" she asked.
"Oh, probably catch a movie, and then maybe grab a bite to eat at the malt shop,
maybe take a walk on the beach..."
"Peggy likes to screw, you know," Mom informed him.
"Uh...really?" Fred replied, with raised eyebrows.
"Oh, yes!" the mother continued. "When she goes out with her friends, that's all they do!"
"Is that so?" asked Fred, incredulous.
"Yes," said the mother. "As a matter of fact, she'd screw all night if we let her!"
"Well, thanks for the tip," Fred said as he began thinking about alternate plans for the evening.
A moment later, Peggy Sue came down the stairs looking pretty as a picture wearing a pink blouse
and full circle skirt, and with her hair tied back in a bouncy ponytail. She greeted Fred.
"Have fun, kids," the mother said as they left.
Half an hour later, a completely disheveled Peggy Sue burst into the house
and slammed the front door behind her.
"The Twist, Mom!" she angrily yelled at her mother. "The d**... dance is called the Twist!
A salesman gets lost (a little long)
A Salesman gets lost in the woods. Nearing dark he sees a farmers house, and decides to ask for a place to sleep. The farmer says, "Sure, but you're going to have to stay in the barn with some of the animals."
The salesman agrees, but before he could walk to the barn, the farmer tells him not to mess with the hole in one of the stables. The farmer goes off to the house, and the Salesman gets ready for bed.
A few hours into the night, the salesman starts to wonder about this "hole"... he looks over it, and sees that its got some heat coming from it, and its kinda moist. A few minutes pass and one thing leads to another...
The next day the farmer is woken up by the police at the door. An officer tells him they got a 911 call and tracked it to this location. The farmer says he didn't call, but maybe the Salesman did. He rushes over to the barn to see the Salesman pants down and pale white inside the "hole".
The farmer looks to the officers and says "Dang it,that's my milkin machine... it won't stop till its got 1 gallon."
One day a nurse is giving a woman in a coma a sponge bath
and notices the heartbeat change slightly when the sponge was in her c**....
Excitedly, she goes to the phone and calls the woman's husband and tells him to come to the hospital.
When he gets there the nurse tells him that she thinks that his wife could be helped perhaps by a little bit of o**... s**..., that maybe it is crazy but it just might work.
The man goes into his wife's booth. A couple of minutes later her heartbeat flat-lines. The man walks out, and the nurse stunned asks "What happened?"
The man replies "I think she choked"
Once in a land far, far away there lived a group of people called Trids...
The Trids were happy except for the huge ogre that lived on the mountain. The ogre would periodically terrorize the Trids.
The Trids tired of the ogre and sought to reason with him. They thought one of their religious leaders would be a good intermediary. So a group of Trids and their minister went up the mountain and before they could even say one word the ogre kicked them down the mountain. Not being dismayed the Trids thought that maybe the ogre was Catholic, so they sent another delegation, this time led by the local priest. But alas, as they approached the ogre he once again kicked them all down the mountain.
The Trids were upset until they thought that perhaps the ogre was Jewish. Unfortunately, no Trids were Jewish, so they wrote to the people of another land and asked them to send a Rabbi to help them with the ogre. The Rabbi arrived and led a delegation of Trids up the mountain. The ogre saw them coming and kicked all of them, except for the Rabbi, down the mountain. The Rabbi, having been told of the previous expeditions, wondered why he alone had not been kicked down the mountain, so he asked the ogre. The ogre laughed and replied, "Silly Rabbi, kicks are for Trids!"
Wise Italian Grandfather.
Why Italian Fathers and Grandfathers pass their handguns down through the family.
An old Italian man is dying. He calls his grandson to his bedside, g**..., I wan' you lissina me. I wan' you to take-a my chrome plated ..38 revolver so you will always remember me."
"But grandpa, I really don't like guns.. How about you leave me your Rolex watch instead?"
"You lissina me, boy. Somma day you gonna be runna da business, you gonna have a beautiful wife, lotsa money, a big-a home and maybe a couple of bambinos. "
"Somma day you gonna come-a home and maybe finda you wife inna bed with another man.
"Whatta you gonna do then? Pointa to you watch and say, 'times up' "?
This used to be my mother's favorite joke, maybe still is.
A farmer has three daughters who all have a date on the same night.
The first guy comes to pick up his date and says "Hi, I'm Joe. I came to get Flo. We're gonna go to the show, can she go?" The farmer calls Flo down and they leave.
The second guy shows up: "Hi, I'm Eddie. I came to get Betty. We're gonna go get spaghetti, is she ready?" the farmer calls Betty down and they go.
The third guy shows up: "I'm Chuck. I came in my truck..."
The farmer shoots him.
So drunk he can't stand up
An Irishman's been drinking at a pub all night. When he stands up to leave, he falls flat on his face. He tries to stand one more time, but to no avail. Again, he falls flat on his face. He figures he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up. Once outside, he stands up and, sure enough, he falls flat on his face. The Irishman decides to crawl the four blocks to his home.
When he arrives at the door, he stands up and falls flat on his face. He crawls through the door into his bedroom. When he reaches his bed, he tries one more time to stand up. This time, he manages to pull himself upright but he quickly falls right into bed. He is sound asleep as soon as his head hits the pillow.
He awakens the next morning to his wife standing over him, shouting, "So, you've been out drinking again!"
"Why do you say that?" he asks innocently.
"The pub called. You left your wheelchair there again."
---------
The blinds store
So there's this store down the street called "Bailey's Blinds", and I can't help but wonder that it must be a front for some sort of i**... activity. Money laundering, perhaps? Or maybe it's an incognito hub for illicit products of some nature. I mean, how can a business possibly function for over 15 years while consistently profitable, by selling nothing but blinds? ...It's a shady business if you ask me.
Could be taken as racist, or insecure (maybe both)
What do you call a immigrant fighting a r**.... "Alien versus predator"
The Trids and the Giant
Once in a land far, far away there lived a group of people called Trids. The Trids were happy except for a giant that lived on the mountain. The giant would often terrorize the Trids.
The Trids, tired of the giant, sent a group led by the community's minister to reason with the giant. But before they could even say one word the giant kicked them down the mountain. The Trids thought maybe this was because the giant was Catholic, so they sent another group, this time led by the local priest. But alas, as they approached, the giant once again kicked them all down the mountain.
The Trids were upset until they thought that perhaps the giant was Jewish. Unfortunately, no Trids were Jewish, so they asked a rabbi of a different community for help. The Rabbi led a group of Trids up the mountain. The giant saw them coming and kicked all of them, except for the Rabbi, down the mountain. The Rabbi, knowing the giant's past, wondered why he alone had not been kicked down the mountain, so he asked the giant. The giant laughed and replied
"Silly Rabbi, kicks are for Trids!"
So my girlfriend told me her dog ate some tampons...
I told her to call the vet, maybe they can pull some strings.
Bit of a different post here - an author introduces a joke but never reveals the punchline...anyone heard this joke? Or make up your own punchline?
In *Infinite Jest* by David Foster Wallace, at one point there's a line -
"...asking Mario if he knows what you call three Canadians copulating on a snowmobile."
But he doesn't say the punchline. I'm assuming maybe this is a commonish kinda joke? I've tried to think of what the punchline is but can't.
An Irishman drinks at the pub until they close.
An Irishman drinks at the pub until they close.
He stands up to leave and falls flat on his face. He tries to stand one more time and falls again. He figures he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up.
Outside, he tries to stand up and falls flat again. He gives up and crawls the four blocks to his house, crawls up the stairs and pulls himself into bed.
The next morning, his wife stands over him shouting, "So, you've been out boozing again!"
"What makes you say that?" he asks, putting on an innocent face.
"The pub called -- you left your wheelchair there again."
I saw two black kids spraying their names on a wall today.
I decided to join them. I'd only sprayed the first three letters of my name when they started to beat me up.
Maybe they don't like people called Nigel.
Drunken Irishman
An Irishman had been drinking at a pub all night. The bartender finally said that the bar is closing. So the Irishman stood up to leave and fell flat on his face. He tried to stand one more time; same result. He figured he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up. Once outside he stood up and fell flat on his face. So he decided to crawl the 4 blocks to his home. When he arrived at the door he stood up and again fell flat on his face. He crawled through the door and into his bedroom. When he reached his bed he tried one more time to stand up. This time he managed to pull himself upright, but he quickly fell right into bed and is sound asleep as soon as his head hit the pillow. He was awakened the next morning to his wife standing over him, shouting,
"So, you've been out drinking again!!"
"What makes you say that?" he asked, putting on an innocent look.
"The pub called -- you left your wheelchair there again."
A man goes on vacation...
And has his brother watch his beloved cat while he's away.
He calls his brother when he lands and asks about the cat his brother says "oh the cat died."
Devastated the man says "well next time couldn't you lighten the blow a bit?"
His brother asks how
He says "well maybe the first day I call you could say the cat got on the roof. Then the second day you could say like the fire fighters couldn't get him down. And then on the third day you could tell me."
The brother says "okay I'll keep that in mind."
The man asks" so how's mom?"
"She's on the roof"
Oh, Ed!
They should come up with something like Uber, but with horseback riding… Maybe call it Wilbur?
Hilary Clinton is too rich to be a democrat.
Maybe she should form a party called "hypocrat."
Marriage
Husband asking the wife:
-Darling, do you want to come with me to the gym?
*-Are you saying I'm fat??*
-No, I was just thinking that we should maybe...
*-Are you saying I'm lazy??*
-No, no! Calm down, I didn't say that..
*-Why, you think I'm hysterical??*
-No, I wasn't saying that..
*-So you are calling me a liar now??*
-God no! You know what, I go alone then.
*-Wait a minute! Why do you want to go alone!?*
An Irishman is drinking whiskey at a bar...
It's closing time, and he's pretty drunk. He gets up to leave and...boom! Falls over and smacks into the floor. He tries to get up again, but only succeeds in losing his balance and falling back down. He thinks to himself "wow I'm more drunk than I thought, maybe if I could just get some fresh air and sober up a little". So he crawls his way to the door, throws it open, and crawls outside. He tries to get up again, no luck. "Ok, it's not too far, I'll just crawl home and sleep it off". So the Irishman crawls all the way home and passes out on his couch. The next morning he wakes up to his wife yelling at him "god damnet Seamus, the bar just called, you left your wheelchair there again!"
What did Carly Rae Jepsen's father say when she played "Call Me Maybe" for him?
Hi Maybe. I'm Dad.
We should just advance the calendar to 2017 and call it.... "Daylight Saving Lives".
Or maybe "Life Saving Time"
My neighbor had a penguin on his porch
I call the neighbor
Me: hey man, you have a penguin on your porch!
Neighbor: what should I do with it?
Me: I don't know. Maybe take him to the zoo.
Neighbor: that sounds like a good idea. I'll do that.
Next day I look out across the street. The freakin penguin is still there. I call the neighbor again.
Me: Dude! The penguin is still there. I thought you took him to the zoo.
Neighbor: I did. We had a great time. We're going to the ballpark today.
A blonde is drilling in the ice to fish when he hears a voice call out from above...
**There are no fish under the ice**
The guy looks up but doesn't see anyone. He asks - can I at least drill and see for myself?
The answers in a louder tone.
**There are no fish under the ice**
The poor guy looks up and still can't see anyone. He thinks to himself - maybe I'm just hearing voices. He continues drilling.
The voice bellows louder than ever!
**There are no fish under the ice**
Now the blonde begins to tremble as he asks - who speaks to me?
**The owner of the skating rink**
I hit my head really hard on a glass window yesterday
It hurt me pretty bad, Maybe that's why they call it window pane
Three doctors go on a duck hunt
One is family practice, the other is a radiologist, and the third is a surgeon. They see some birds way off in the distance.
The family practice doctor says, "They may be birds. They may be airplanes. We can't be sure, let's wait a bit and see if they look a little clearer later."
The radiologist says, "we can see in their shadows that they have two wings and two legs. Maybe it's ducks. Could be geese, or maybe quails."
The surgeon shoulders his rifle and shoots one out of the sky. He says, "I don't know what it is, but we got it. Now let's call the pathologist."
Can't rely on emails!
A man goes away on business. He emails his wife from the road and says he'll be home that night because the trip wrapped up earlier than expected. When he gets home, he walks into the bedroom to find his wife in bed with another man. Without a word, the husband leaves the room and goes down to the local bar. He explains the whole situation to the bartender.
Well, why don't you call her and talk to her. Maybe there is an explanation for all of this.
The man picks up his cell phone and calls his house. His wife answers and before she can say a word he yells, Why did I come home to find you in bed with another man? The wife calmly responds, Because I just got around to checking my email.
Best Joke in the history of jokes, maybe ever
2 guys are hunting in the woods. The first guy faints and stops breathing. The second guy calls 911 and they say "911, what's your emergency?".
The guy says "My friend and I were hunting in the woods and he fainted. I think he's dead."
The 911 operator responds "First make sure that he is dead before anything"
A loud shot is heard. The guy then says "Ok, what do I do next"
I think with the recent success of Elon musk's not a flamethrower sales he should consider moving into a different market maybe perfumes
He could call his first brand Elon's musk
An old Italian man is dying and calls for his son
An old Italian man in Brooklyn is dying. He calls his grandson to his bedside.
"g**..., I wan' you lissina me. I wan' you to take-a my chrome plated 38 revolver so you will always remember me."
"But grandpa, I really don't like guns. How about you leave me your Rolex watch instead?"
"You lissina me, boy! Somma day you gonna be runna da business, you gonna have a beautiful wife, lotsa money, a big-a home and maybe a couple of bambinos. Then one-a day you gonna comea home and maybe finda you wife inna bed with another man. Whatda you gonna do then? Pointa to you watch and say, 'Times up!'
A guy is sitting in the living room with his wife when the phone rings.
He picks it up, listens for a moment then says, "I don't know, maybe you should call the coast guard." "Who was that?," his wife asks when he hangs up.. "I'm not sure but they wanted to know if the coast is clear."
The end of school is pretty much the only time most guys will wear a gown and get on a stage.
Maybe we should call it "draguation".
A woman patient in a hospital had been in a coma for a number of years. Each day a nurse gave her a bed bath. One day while washing her private parts she notices that the monitor shows an increase in heart rate.
The nurse tells a Doctor, He considers the results and calls her husband. When he arrives the Doctor suggests that o**... s**... may help. The husband agrees and they pull the curtain around the bed for privacy.
30 minutes later the monitor shows her heart and breathing has stopped, then she flatlines and is obviously dead. The Dr rushes in and asks the husband what happened, he looks at the doctor and says I don't know, maybe she choked.
An 80 year old man goes to the doctor
The doctor tells him that he needs a s**... sample. He hands the old man a small jar and tells him to bring it back the next day. However, it's empty when he returns it. The doctor says, "Hey, I told you I needed to take a s**... sample" to which the old man replied "Well doc, I tried, I really did. I couldn't do it, so I called my wife, and she couldn't do it. She suggested that we try out neighbors, but they were no help, so they called up their daughter in Wyoming to come over to try. She wasn't able to either. We thought that maybe we had to all try at the same time, but it didn't work. Guess some jars are just impossible to open."
Two Americans were trekking in a desert.
Dehydrated and hungry, they walked into a mosque.
The Imam asked for their names.
Mark thought: Maybe it's wiser to pretend to be a Muslim. So he replied: My name is Ahmed.
Sam said: My name is Sam.
The Imam called his servant over, who handed Sam some food and water.
He then turned to Mark and said: Happy Ramadan, brother Ahmed.
Hey I just met you
And this is crazy
But here's my number
So call me maybe
Dad: Hi maybe, I'm dad
A friend told me that the biggest furry convention was in Chicago, Illinois
I had an epiphany and said maybe THAT'S why they're called the Chicago Bears
A man walks into a talent agency with his dog claiming it can talk. The agent says, ok, let's see if this dog is gonna make us rich . The guy says, Fido, what's the top of a house called ? Roof! What's on a tree ? Bark! How does sandpaper feel ? Ruff!
The talent agent tells the man off and kicks him out of his office. As the man and the dog are walking down the street the dog looks up at the man and says, Gee Bob, maybe you should have asked some harder questions .
s**... people jokes
A s**... student was copying whatever the teacher writes on the black board, but every time the teacher clears the blackboard he throws away the paper.
2 s**... men were speaking to each other one said 'i am freezing from the air conditioner'' the other replied " i am jack, from Florida''.
A s**... called the airlines to ask how long a flight to China would take, the customer service said '' 1 second'', he said thanks and hanged the phone.
2 stoners were listening to the 9:00 oo'clock news, one asked '' why is this news talking so long'' the other replied ''maybe it's the final episode''
If I had a pound for every time I was called a stingy c*nt...
Maybe I wouldn't be such a stingy c\*nt!!
Sycamore street joke
This is a call that came into the 911 emergency line:
911 operator: 911 what is your emergency?
Man: Hey dude, I need an ambulance.
(static in the phone line interrupts call)
911 operator: A what?
Man: I need an ambulance. A dude just got hit by a car.
911 operator: Okay, where are you?
Man: I'm down here on Sycamore Street.
(static in the phone line becomes worse)
911 operator: Where are you? Say it again. This staic makes it hard to
understand you.
Man: I'm at Sycamore Street!
(static still continues)
911 operator: Maybe it would be easier to understand you if you spell
where you're at.
Man: All right. S-y-c-k...no, no that ain't right.
S-i-c-k...no...S-e...S-y. I'll tell you what, I'll take the dude over to
Lee Street; you can pick him up there.
Maybe a bit dark
Two friends go hunting, one of them passes out, and doesn't seem to be breathing. The other friend quickly calls 911. Help! he says. I think my friend is dead! . Calm down, the operator says. First, let's make sure he's dead . A gunshot is heard over the phone. Okay, the friend says. Now what?
I bought my first brand new iPhone and I was so excited
My friends had been telling me how much they love their's but mine's been nothing but trouble from WiFi problems to dropped calls to rebooting out of nowhere. I'm starting to think my friends lied to me or maybe I just got a bad apple.
A joke about heaven
A woman died and arrived at the gates of heaven. St. Peter said Yes?
I want to come in please ..... Name? ...... Smith. .... Know anyone here who will vouch for you ? .... Mmmm, my husband maybe ? Have you any idea how many men named Smith we have up here, is there any way to help identify him? Was he tall or short? No - average Smart or dumb . No - Average . Oh! This is getting us nowhere did he say anything just before he died? Yes! He said that if I was unfaithful to his memory he would turn in his grave At last! I know who you mean, we call him revolving Smith
Raise your hand if you've been caught m**... on a zoom call.
Maybe you should have raised the other hand.
My wife was inhaling popcorn and nearly choked to death on an un-popped kernel.
I almost had to call the popcoroner.
(Real life: my wife really was eating popcorn with no breathing in between and I said maybe slow down so you don't choke on that. I don't want to have to call the pop coroner , and she abruptly started laughing and, I swear, choked on some (non-fatal). So I decided to present my ad-lib here, as a joke. At least I (and you) can be sure it's no repost!)
A man walks into a bar...
... sits on the bar stool and lets out a deep sigh.
The bartender notices asks "What the problem Joe?"
The replies "My wife is upset. She told me I dont complement her enough. I told her shes a simple woman but apparently she heard that before."
"Hey Joe, I got a thesaurus over there. Maybe you could surprise her."
"All right Bob thanks!"
The next day the man is back at the bar, sits on the bar stool, and lets out a deeper sigh.
Before the bartender could ask, the man exclaims "I guess calling her a basic b**... isnt the same as a simple woman."
Plumber Miscommunication
One day, a family started hearing loud talking coming from underneath the ground in their backyard. They figured maybe the plumber who did some work yesterday left a radio down there.
They sat and listened to the talking, then realized it was mostly about climate change and UFO's.
They called the plumber to ask about his missing radio.
Radio? I didn't bring a radio. Oh, I see the problem. I installed a skeptic tank instead of a septic tank.
The teacher asked little Jimmy who discovered America
He replied 'It wasn't me'.
The teacher asked him again. 'Who discovered America?'
He, once again replied 'It wasn't me'
One last time the teacher asked him.
And again he replied, now a little louder 'I swear to god, it wasn't me!'
The teacher had enough and called little Jimmys father.
'I asked him who discovered America' the teacher said, 'and his response was It wasn't me'
'Well...' his father said, 'maybe it really wasn't him'
A man and a dog walk into a bar
Both get up on stools and the bartender says "sorry no dogs"
"But my dog can talk"
Bartender: "Prove it"
"Fido, what is the top part of a house called"
Dog: "Roof, roof"
Bartender (annoyed): "You're going to have to do better than that"
"Fido, what is the high grassy part of a golf course called?"
Dog: "Ruff, ruff"
Bartender (more annoyed): "I'll give you one last chance before I throw you out"
"Fido, who is the greatest baseball player of all time"
Dog: "Ruth, ruth"
Bartender throws the both of them out into the street.
Dog: "Maybe I should have said Dimaggio"
While in the bathroom getting ready for work I called out to my wife.
Honey, when I shave in the morning I feel 20 years younger.
Without missing a beat, she said Maybe you should shave before we go to bed.
