call Jokes

funny jokes and hilarious call puns

Call me a racist if you want, but south of the border is a sea of violence, corruption and stupidity I wouldn't touch with a ten foot pole.

I just thank my lucky stars I live in Canada.

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Courtesy of my 6yo daughter: What do you call a dinosaur that takes care of its teeth?

A Flossiraptor

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I started a new job. My boss said "Hi, my name is Rebecca, but people call me Becky". I said "My name is Kyle, but people call me Dick".

She said "how do you get Dick from Kyle?"
I replied "you just ask nicely".



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Call a girl beautiful 1,000 times and she won't think twice...

Call a girl fat once and she'll always remember.

Because elephants never forget

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I called my wife at work and asked, "Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone's got a voodoo doll of you and they're stabbing it?" Sounding concerned, she said, "No."



I responded, "How about now?"

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A joke my 8-year old made up: What do you call a chicken that's afraid of the dark?

A chicken.

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I called two girls hipsters and got slapped.

Apparently the correct term is "conjoined twins".

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Tesla Edison Joke

What do you call a stolen Tesla?

An Edison.

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Isn't it annoying when engineering students call themselves engineers?

It's stupid. You don't hear medical students calling themselves doctors or arts students calling themselves baristas.

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What do you call a drunk guy trying to start his car?

A lyft. Friends don't let friends drive drunk.





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Boss wants to have sex with his secretary

A boss said to his secretary "I want to have sex with you. I will make it very fast. I'll throw $1000 on the floor; by the time you bend down to pick it, I'll be done." She thought for a moment, then called her boyfriend and told him the story.

Her boyfriend then said "Ask him for $2000, pick up the money very fast; he won't even have enough time to undress himself."

So she agrees. Half an hour goes by, and the boyfriend decides to call his girlfriend. He asks, "What happened?"

She responds, "The bastard used COINS! I'm still picking and he is still fucking!"

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What do you call a waffle on a California beach?

A Sandy Eggo.
- Compliments of my cousin's 6 year old daughter (She says "Hi" by the way).

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What do you call it when two transgender midgets have sex?

Micro trans-action

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What do you call an emo a capella group?

Self Harmony

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I dont own this joke. But i havent forgotten about it for five years.

Son:Β "Dad, I have to do a special report for school. Can I ask you a question?"

Father:Β "Sure son. What's the question?"

Son:Β "What is Politics?"

Father:Β "Well, let's take our home for an example. I am the wage earner, so let's call me "Capitalism". your mother is the administrator of money, so we'll call her "Government". We take care of your need, so let's call you "The People". We'll call the maid "The Working Class" and your little brother, we can call "The Future". Do you understand son?

Son:Β "I'm not really sure, dad. I'll have to think about it."

That night awakened by his brother's crying, the boy went to see what was wrong. Discovering that the baby had seriously soiled his diaper, the boy went to his parents' room and found his mother sound asleep. He went to the maid's room, where, peeking through the keyhole, he saw his father in bed with the maid. The boy's knocking went totally unheeded by his father and the maid, so the boy returned to his room and went back to sleep. The next morning he reported to his father.

Son:Β "Dad, now I think i understand what politics is."

Father:Β "Good son! Can you explain it to me in your own words?"

Son:Β "Well Dad, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, Government is sound asleep, the People are being completely ignored and the Future is full of shit."

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What do you call a priest that becomes a lawyer?

A father in law

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NSFW.. Girl: "Forgive me father for I have sinned." Priest: "What have you done my child?"

Girl: "I called a man a son of a bitch."

Priest: "Why did you call him a son of a bitch?"

Girl: "Because he touched my hand."

Priest: "Like this?" (as he touches her hand)

Girl: "Yes father."

Priest: "That's no reason to call a man a son of a bitch."

Girl: "Then he touched my breast."

Priest: "Like this?" (as he touched her breast)

Girl: "Yes father."

Priest: "That's no reason to call him a son of a bitch."

Girl: "Then he took off my clothes, father."

Priest: "Like this?" (as he takes off her clothes)

Girl: "Yes father."

Priest: "That's no reason to call him a son of a bitch."

Girl: "Then he stuck his you know what into my you know where."

Priest: "Like this?" (as he stuck his you know what into her you know where)

Girl: "YES FATHER, YES FATHER, YES FATHER!!!"

Priest: (after a few minutes): "That's no reason to call him a son of a bitch."

Girl: "But father he had AIDS!"

Priest: "THAT SON OF A BITCH!!!"

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What's it called when a King and Queen have no children?

A receding heir line...

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What's it called when a chameleon can't change its colors anymore?

A reptile dysfunction.

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What do you call children born in whorehouses?

Brothel sprouts



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I call my wife Bambi. She thinks it's because she's cute with big brown eyes...

But in reality it's because I want someone to shoot her mother with a hunting rifle

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My friend gets really upset when I call him a flat-Earther

He says the correct term is bulldozer operator.

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Call a girl beautiful 1000 times and she wont think twice..

Call a girl fat once and she'll always remember.

Because elephants never forget

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What do you call it when two transgender midgets have sex?

Micro trans-action

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A girl goes to a Church to confess.....

Girl : "Forgive me father for I have sinned."


Priest : "What have you done my child?"


Girl : "I called a man a son of a bitch."


Priest : "Why did you call him a son of a bitch?"


Girl : "Because he touched my hand."


Priest : "Like this?" (as he touches her hand)


Girl : "Yes father."


Priest : "That's no reason to call a man a son of a bitch."


Girl : "Then he touched my breast."


Priest : "Like this?" (as he touched her breast)


Girl : "Yes father."


Priest : "That's no reason to call him a son of a bitch."


Girl : "Then he took off my clothes, father."


Priest : "Like this?" (as he takes off her clothes)


Girl : "Yes father."


Priest : "That's no reason to call him a son of a bitch."


Girl : "Then he stuck his you know what into my you know where."


Priest : "Like this?" (as he stuck his you know what into her you know where)


Girl : "YES FATHER, YES FATHER, YES FATHER!!!"

(after a few minutes)


Priest : "That's no reason to call him a son of a bitch."


Girl : "But father, he had AIDS!"


Priest : "THAT SON OF A BITCH!!!"

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My nerdy friend just got a PhD on the history of palindromes.

We now call him Dr. Awkward.

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What do you call a cow with 3 legs?

Lean beef.

What do you call a cow with no legs?

Ground beef.

What do you call a cow with two legs?

Yo momma.

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A small boy asks his Dad, "Dad, what are politics?"

Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me Capitalism. Your mom, she's the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the Government. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you the People. The nanny, we'll consider her the Working Class. And your baby brother, we'll call him the Future. Now, think about that and see if that makes sense."

So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. The little boy goes to his parents' room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father having sex with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed.

The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now." The father says, "Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about." The little boy replies, "Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are being ignored and the Future is in Deep Shit."

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Man says to his boss Can we talk? I have a problem.

Boss says Problem? No such thing, we call it an opportunity!

Man says Ok I have a serious drinking opportunity.

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I called a suicide hotline in Iraq..

They got excited and asked if I could drive a truck.

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What do you call a witch that only eats sand?

Malnourished.

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I called work this morning and whispered, "Sorry boss, I can't come in today. I have a wee cough." He exclaimed, "You have a wee cough!?"

I said, "Really?! Thanks boss, see you next week!"

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I rode the elevator to the eleventh floor, and as I got out, the operator said "Have a good day, son"

"Don't call me son," I said. "You're not my dad."

He scratched his head. "No, but I brought you up, didn't I?"

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I got a phone call from my son's school today

Hello, is that Mr Jenkins?

Yes, how can I help you?

Hi, This is little Billy's music teacher calling

Oh, hi

Yeah, hi. I just wanted to let you know it looks like you have a little Elvis Presley on your hands!

Really? Wow! That's..

Yeah, we just found him dead on the toilet

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I don't like the term 'Anal Bleaching'.

I prefer to call it 'changing my ringtone'.

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Who decided to call it marijuana possession"

and not joint custody?

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What do you call it when two transgender midgets have sex?

Micro trans-action.

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What do you call 100 rabbits walking backwards?

A receding hare line.

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When I drink alcohol, people call me alcoholic. But when I drink fanta, no one calls me

or texts me, I'm so lonely, pls help.

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What do you call a witch that only eats sand?

malnourished

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A radio station in Ireland is taking calls to find a word that is commonly used but isn't in the dictionary yet...

The first caller get's through,

"Hello! What word do you think should be in the dictionary?"

"Goan!"

"Goan? Can you use it in a sentence?"

"Yeah, go'an fuck yerself!" The caller then begins laughing until the station can cut off his call.

After several more calls they get another man,

"And what's your word sir?"

"Smee!"

"Can you use it in a sentence?"

"Aye! S'mee again! *Go'an fuck yerself!*"

^^*edit* ^^- ^^thanks ^^for ^^the ^^gold ^^stranger

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What do you call a Mexican bodybuilder who runs out of protein?

No Whey JosΓ©.

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My girlfriend is so smart!

I forgot to bring my phone, so I used my friend's phone to call her.

She answered: "What's up, honey?"

What a smart girl! She knew I was the one on the phone!

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What is it called when you die and come back as a hillbilly?

Reintarnation

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In USSR we had this joke

An old Jew is on his deathbed. With weak voice he asks to call for a partorg because before his death he wants to join the Communist Party. A happy partorg rushes to him with filled out membership form to sign and a ready Party membership card. As the Jew signs the form he carefully takes the membership card and presses it against his heart.
In a peaceful and happy voice he whispers: "Today one more communist will die"

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As the KKK are so full of hate, bigotry and want to rid America of others...

Should we call them Vanilla Isis ?

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I call my wife Bambi

She thinks it's because she's cute with big brown eyes. But it's really because I want someone to shoot her mother with a hunting rifle.

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Having sex with four people is called a foursome, having sex with three people is called a threesome

Now I know why people call me handsome

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If sex with four people is called a foursome, and sex with three people is called a threesome...

Now I know why people call me handsome.

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A cowboy walks into a bar and orders a drink. When the bartender delivers it, the cowboy looks around and notices the bar is completely deserted other than himself and the bartender...

"Where is everybody? This place is usually packed this time of day," the cowboy says.

The bartender replies, "They've gone to the hanging."

"Hanging? Who are they hanging?"

"Brown Paper Pete," says the bartender.

"What kind of name is that? Why do they call him Brown Paper Pete?" the cowboy asks.

"Well," says the bartender, "he wears a brown paper hat, brown paper shirt, brown paper trousers and brown paper shoes."

"Weird guy," says the cowboy. "What are they hanging him for?"

"Rustling," says the bartender.

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What to you call it when you get a boner at a funeral?

Mourning Wood

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What do you call a hippies' wife?

Mississippi

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I called my friend and said "hey I have a joke for you.."

Friend :"ok, shoot."

Me: " what has a tiny penis, and hangs down?"

Friend: " I dunno, what?"

Me: " A bat... now, what has an enormous penis and hangs up?"

Friend" I dunno what?"

*click*

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What do you call a cow with two legs?

Irene.

There's no joke here, I just hate that bitch.

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A man gets a phone call from his wife's doctor

Doctor: sir, we've narrowed your wife's illness down to two things. She either has Alzheimer's or AIDS.

Man: Well how are we supposed to know which?

Doctor: Take her for a drive, drop her off 30 minutes from your house and if she comes home don't fuck her.

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If men call short women petite. What do women call short men?

Friends.

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Donald Trump is the next President but...

The biggest winner is Melania Trump. She can now call herself The First Lady instead of The Third Wife.

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(Original) What do you call a feminist government?

A Dick-hater-ship.

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What did Jay-Z call his girlfriend before they got married?

FeyΓ³nce

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I call my weed The Quran.

Because burning that shit will get you stoned!

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I called the Suicide hotline today

They left me hanging

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What do you call 6.02*10^23 butts?

Molasses

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I call my wife Bambi. She thinks it's because she's cute with big brown eyes....

Actually, it's because I would like someone to shoot her mother with a hunting rifle...

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I said to my wife, "I need to call the doctor today."

"Which doctor?", she replied.

"No, the regular kind."

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What do you call a dwarf in a tumble dryer?

A midget spinner.

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What do you call a black man that's just been hit by a bus?

An ambulance you racist.

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What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is all the time?

A widow.

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What do you call a snake that's exactly 3.14 meters long?

A Ο€thon

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What do you call a tire made out of 365 recycled condoms?

A Goodyear

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What do you call the moisture between two hillbillies having sex?

Relative humidity.

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After God created 24 hours of alternating darkness and light, one of the angels asked him, "what are you going to do now?"

God said,

"I think I'm going to call it a day."

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What do you call a Communist sniper?

A Marxman.

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What do you call 2 monkeys that share an Amazon account?

Prime mates.

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Kid: "Mom, am I ugly?"

Mom: "I told you not to call me mom in public."

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My mother called me a son of a bitch...

So I hit her, because no one can call my mom a bitch.
Then I hit myself, because no one can hit my mum.
Then she hit me, because no one can hit her son.
And then she hit herself, because NO ONE can hit her son.
Then I hit her. because no one can hit my mum.
I hope we'll solve this when father gets home...

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Trump: The less immigrants that come in, the better

Pence: The fewer


Trump: I told you not to call me that yet

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Why do we refer to priests as "father"?

Because it would be too suspicious to call them "daddy".

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What do you call a sad strawberry?

A blueberry hahaha fuck you all

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If men call short women "petite", what do women call short men?

"friends"

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Who is calling?

The phone rang at the motor pool and an authoritative voice demanded to know how many vehicles were operational.

Paddy answered, "We've got twelve trucks, ten utilities, three staff cars and that Bentley the fat-arsed colonel swanks around in."

There was a stony silence for a second or two.

''Do you know who you are speaking to?''

''No,'' said Paddy.

''It is the so-called fat-arsed colonel you so insubordinately referred to.''

''Well, do you know who you are talking to?'' asked paddy

''No,'' roared the colonel.

''Well thank goodness for that,'' said paddy and hung up the phone.

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I called the suicide hotline in Iraq...

The dude got all excited and asked me if i could drive a truck

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What do you call a girl with an hourglass figure?

A waist of time.

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Two gay men are travelling...

...on a plane. Let's call them Steve and Bill.

"Dude, what if we had sex?" asks Steve.

"You crazy? Here, on the plane? It would be awkward, everyone would watch us doing it..."

"Man, nobody is even paying attention to anything. Look!"

Steve stands up and asks loudly:

"Could I have a pencil, please?"

Nobody gives a damn. Everyone is sleeping, reading, looking out the window, etc.

"They really wouldn't care then, would they?" says Bill.

So Steve and Bill have wild sex on the plane.

Later, when the plane arrives to the airport and the people are leaving, the stewardess sees an old man who threw up all over his shirt, even his pants are soaking in the filth.

"Sir, you should've asked for a bag!"

"I didn't dare" whispers the old man. "A few rows ahead I saw a man asking for a pencil and he got fucked in the ass..."

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What do you call cows that have a sense of humor?

Laughing stock.

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Just asked Siri.

"Surely it's not going to rain today?"

She said "it will, and don't call me Shirley"

...Forgot to take my phone off Airplane mode.

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What do you call children who are born into a Whorehouse?

Brothel Sprouts.

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A woman goes into a pharmacy

She says to the pharmacist, "I'd like a poison that will kill my husband but make it look like he died of natural causes."
The pharmacist says, "Ma'am, not only can I not do that for you, I'm going to call the police and report you."
The woman takes out something out of her pocket and hands it to him. It's a picture of her husband having sex with the Pharmacist's wife.
"Oh, you should have told me you had a prescription."

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What do you call batman when he skips church?

Christian Bale

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When my cab driver found out I was gay, he told me this joke. I approve.

Q: What do you call a gay man with a vasectomy?

A: Seedless fruit.

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What do you call a stolen Tesla?

An Edison.

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The sky above looked ominous, so I asked Siri, "Surely, it's not going to rain again today?!"

It replied, "It is and don't call me Shirley!"

Guess I forgot to take my phone off Airplane mode…

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What do you call a man with 6,022 x 10^23 dollars?

A Moleionaire

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What do you call a soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray?

A seasoned veteran.

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Women only call me ugly until they find out how much money I make.

Then they call me ugly and poor.

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If 4 people have sex is called a four-some

3 people have sex is a three-some
and 2 people have sex is a two-some

Now you know why they call me handsome

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I call my car the 'Pussy Wagon'

Because that's where I go to cry.

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I asked the hotel receptionist for a wake-up call.

She rang my room and said,
What the fuck are you doing
with your life?

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I told my buddy that Jewish people call god by a different name

He was like, "No way!"

I was like, "Yahweh"

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What do you call a wife that knows where her husband is at all time?

A widow

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What do they call the Hunger Games in France?

Battle Royale with Cheese.

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If Jesus was real they wouldn't call it the crucifixion...

They would call it crucifact.

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So I was at the bar the other day...

...and suddenly, I feel a large slap on my ass.

Turning around, I spot the ugliest woman imaginable; she was large, heavily tattooed, and caked with metric tonnes of makeup.

She said to me, "Hey there, guy. I saw you over there and thought you should call me."

I looked her over once again, disgusted, then said, "Do you have a pen?"

She replied "Of course!"

"Well you'd better get back in it before the farmer realizes that you're gone."

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What do you call a blonde who dyes her hair brunette?

Artificial intelligence

*

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The only "B" word you should ever call a girl is beautiful.

Bitches love being called beautiful.

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What do you call a fat psychic?

A four chin teller.

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David Hasselhoff calls his Agent and demands, "I want everyone to call me The Hoff from now on."

His Agent says, "Sure. No hassle."

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What do you call a singing laptop?

A Dell

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I'm Black. So I can't be racist. But these suckers keep telling me that I am.

"Jake, you can't call yourself Black just because you went to jail once. That is racist"

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What do you call a cannibal who only eats coma patients?

A vegetarian.

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A woman gets home from work and hears her husband call out from the bedroom...

Husband: can you come here and help me with this clock?

The woman walks in the room and sees her husband sitting at the edge of their bed with a raging hard-on

Wife: thats not a clock

Husband: it will be when you put two hands and a face on it.

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What do you call 5 black people having sex?

A threesome

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What do you call a priest that is also a lawyer?

A father in law

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A Jehovah's Witness knocks on a Jew's door...

A Jehovah's Witness knocks on a Jew's door.

Jew: "Can I help you?"

Witness: "Hello sir, I'm here to tell you about the great Lord Jehovah!"

Jew: "Is that what you call him? You know, we have a name for him too..."

Witness: "No way?!"

Jew: "Yahweh."

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I call my weed "The Quran"

Because burning it will get you stoned

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What do you call a Mexican midget?

A paragraph because he's too short to be an essay

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When 2 people have sex it's called a twosome. When 3 people do it it's called a threesom

I guess that's why they call me handsome...

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Guys, I think my girlfriend might be a psychic.

Last night my phone died while I was out, so I used my brother's phone to call her.
And she answered, "What's up, sexy?" Before I even said a word!

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My son is just starting to use words, and he likes to hold the tv remote to his ear like a phone,...

...and say "Hello." So we'll hold up something to our ears and do the same, as though we were answering his call.

Yesterday I happened to be holding his stuffed animal lamb when he was doing this, so I held the lamb to my ear and responded. I looked over to my wife and said something like "look dear, he's calling me on the lamb-line."

She conceded that that was actually a pretty good one, at least for me.

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What do you call a hot chick in Boston?

A tourist

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Forty-five years is long enough.

An old man calls up his son and says, "Listen, your mother and I are getting divorced. Forty-five years of misery is enough."

"Dad, what are you talking about?" the son screams.

We can't stand the sight of each other any longer, he says. "I'm sick of her face, and I'm sick of talking about this, so call your sister and tell her," and he hangs up.

Now, the son is worried. So he calls up his sister. She says, "Like hell they're getting divorced!" and calls her father immediately. "You're not getting divorced! Don't do another thing, the two of us are flying home tomorrow to talk about this. Until then, don't call a lawyer, don't file a paper, DO YOU HEAR ME? and she hangs up.

The old man turns to his wife and says "Okay, they're coming for Christmas and paying their own airfare."

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What do you call a Mexican midget?

A paragraph cause he isn't a full essay

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Call a girl beautiful 1,000 times and she'll never notice. Call a girl fat once and she'll never forget it.

Because elephants never forget.

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What do you call the security outside of a Samsung Store?

Guardians of the Galaxy

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What do you call a communist sniper?

A Marx-man

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What do you call immigrants to Sweden?

Artificial Swedeners

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I call my weed the Quran....

Because burning that shit will get you stoned.

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I was depressed last night so I called a self-help phone line...

Got a call centre in Afghanistan, and told them I was suicidal.

They got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck...

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Just asked Siri. "Surely it's not going to rain today?"

She said, "it is, and dont call me Shirley".

Forgot to take my phone off Airplane mode.

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PS4/Xbox joke

Oh no! Playstation and xbox online services are down! Someone call an ambulance! Wii U Wii U Wii U

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What do you call a book club that's been stuck on only one book for years?

The Church

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What do you call a priest that becomes a lawyer?

A father in law.

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What did Jay-Z call his girlfriend before getting married?

Feyoncè

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What do you call a person without a son?

Per

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If you call a girl pretty, she'll forget after a day.

If you call a girl fat, she'll never forget it, because elephants never forget.

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If someone calls you a nobody, just remember

Nobody's perfect.

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I got a call from my ex crying and telling me she was HIV+

The hardest part is always having to act surprised.

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What do you call 2 monkeys that share an Amazon account?

Prime mates

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What do you call a Frenchman wearing sandals?

Phillipe Phillope

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I called the cops about a murder on my front lawn and they just hung up.

They said that couldn't do anything about crows and to stop calling.

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What do you call an evil wizard who gives good hickeys?

A neck romancer.

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An idiot has a mirror in his closet

He wakes up one night and opens the closet and he sees himself. Scared, he quickly calls the cops


"Police! There's a burglar in my closet, come quickly!"


A police man arrives at the idiots house and opens the closet and finds the mirror. He takes a step back and slaps the idiot as hard as he can


"Why did you call me when you already had a policeman inside?!"

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What do you call a werewolf that doesn't know he's a werewolf?

An unawarewolf.

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What do you call a cow with no legs?

My severely diabetic sister.

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What do you call a spider with 20 eyes?

Spiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiider

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What do you call Professor X doing a wheelie?

Professor +

I'm sorry. lol.

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"Thank you for calling the NSA..."

"The only government organization that **actually** listens to you!"

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A Private is standing outside smoking

A Private is standing outside in the smoking area, joking around with one of his buddies.

A young Lieutenant walks up to them, and asks "Private, have you got change for a dollar?"

The private looks over at him, and replies " Yea sure buddy, no problem".

The Lieutenant stares at him, mouth agape, then begins tearing into him. "What directly in the fuck did you call me Private? I am not your buddy, I am an Officer, and you will afford me all the respect deserving of my rank! Put your heels together and stand at attention when you address me!"

The Lieutenant takes a deep breath, and looks the Private who is now standing ramrod straight, over.

"Let me ask you again, Private, and chose your words carefully this time. Do you have change for a dollar?"

"I do not, sir!".

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Call a girl beautiful 1,000 times and she'll never notice. Call a girl fat once and she'll never forget it.

That's because elephants never forget.

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A man is caught fishing illegally for lobsters.

A man is caught fishing illegally for lobsters.

He has two in his boat when the police approach him.

The man claims he's not poaching them and they are his pet lobsters, he's just taking them for a swim.

"I let them play in the water for a few minutes but when I whistle they come back to me."

So the police let him place the lobsters in the water and command the man to call them back.

"Call who back?"

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I have a dog with no legs

I call him cigarette. Every night I take him out for a drag.

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What are the best Call puns and pranks?

Did you ever wanted to prank someone about Call? Well, here are the best jokes about Call to have fun with.

Joko Jokes