I just thank my lucky stars I live in Canada.
A Flossiraptor
She said "how do you get Dick from Kyle?"
I replied "you just ask nicely".
Call a girl fat once and she'll always remember.
Because elephants never forget
I responded, "How about now?"
A chicken.
Apparently the correct term is "conjoined twins".
What do you call a stolen Tesla?
An Edison.
It's stupid. You don't hear medical students calling themselves doctors or arts students calling themselves baristas.
A lyft. Friends don't let friends drive drunk.
A boss said to his secretary "I want to have sex with you. I will make it very fast. I'll throw $1000 on the floor; by the time you bend down to pick it, I'll be done." She thought for a moment, then called her boyfriend and told him the story.
Her boyfriend then said "Ask him for $2000, pick up the money very fast; he won't even have enough time to undress himself."
So she agrees. Half an hour goes by, and the boyfriend decides to call his girlfriend. He asks, "What happened?"
She responds, "The bastard used COINS! I'm still picking and he is still fucking!"
A Sandy Eggo.
- Compliments of my cousin's 6 year old daughter (She says "Hi" by the way).
-
Micro trans-action
Self Harmony
Son:Β "Dad, I have to do a special report for school. Can I ask you a question?"
Father:Β "Sure son. What's the question?"
Son:Β "What is Politics?"
Father:Β "Well, let's take our home for an example. I am the wage earner, so let's call me "Capitalism". your mother is the administrator of money, so we'll call her "Government". We take care of your need, so let's call you "The People". We'll call the maid "The Working Class" and your little brother, we can call "The Future". Do you understand son?
Son:Β "I'm not really sure, dad. I'll have to think about it."
That night awakened by his brother's crying, the boy went to see what was wrong. Discovering that the baby had seriously soiled his diaper, the boy went to his parents' room and found his mother sound asleep. He went to the maid's room, where, peeking through the keyhole, he saw his father in bed with the maid. The boy's knocking went totally unheeded by his father and the maid, so the boy returned to his room and went back to sleep. The next morning he reported to his father.
Son:Β "Dad, now I think i understand what politics is."
Father:Β "Good son! Can you explain it to me in your own words?"
Son:Β "Well Dad, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, Government is sound asleep, the People are being completely ignored and the Future is full of shit."
A father in law
Girl: "I called a man a son of a bitch."
Priest: "Why did you call him a son of a bitch?"
Girl: "Because he touched my hand."
Priest: "Like this?" (as he touches her hand)
Girl: "Yes father."
Priest: "That's no reason to call a man a son of a bitch."
Girl: "Then he touched my breast."
Priest: "Like this?" (as he touched her breast)
Girl: "Yes father."
Priest: "That's no reason to call him a son of a bitch."
Girl: "Then he took off my clothes, father."
Priest: "Like this?" (as he takes off her clothes)
Girl: "Yes father."
Priest: "That's no reason to call him a son of a bitch."
Girl: "Then he stuck his you know what into my you know where."
Priest: "Like this?" (as he stuck his you know what into her you know where)
Girl: "YES FATHER, YES FATHER, YES FATHER!!!"
Priest: (after a few minutes): "That's no reason to call him a son of a bitch."
Girl: "But father he had AIDS!"
Priest: "THAT SON OF A BITCH!!!"
A receding heir line...
A reptile dysfunction.
Brothel sprouts
But in reality it's because I want someone to shoot her mother with a hunting rifle
He says the correct term is bulldozer operator.
Call a girl fat once and she'll always remember.
Because elephants never forget
Micro trans-action
Girl : "Forgive me father for I have sinned."
Priest : "What have you done my child?"
Girl : "I called a man a son of a bitch."
Priest : "Why did you call him a son of a bitch?"
Girl : "Because he touched my hand."
Priest : "Like this?" (as he touches her hand)
Girl : "Yes father."
Priest : "That's no reason to call a man a son of a bitch."
Girl : "Then he touched my breast."
Priest : "Like this?" (as he touched her breast)
Girl : "Yes father."
Priest : "That's no reason to call him a son of a bitch."
Girl : "Then he took off my clothes, father."
Priest : "Like this?" (as he takes off her clothes)
Girl : "Yes father."
Priest : "That's no reason to call him a son of a bitch."
Girl : "Then he stuck his you know what into my you know where."
Priest : "Like this?" (as he stuck his you know what into her you know where)
Girl : "YES FATHER, YES FATHER, YES FATHER!!!"
(after a few minutes)
Priest : "That's no reason to call him a son of a bitch."
Girl : "But father, he had AIDS!"
Priest : "THAT SON OF A BITCH!!!"
We now call him Dr. Awkward.
Lean beef.
What do you call a cow with no legs?
Ground beef.
What do you call a cow with two legs?
Yo momma.
Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me Capitalism. Your mom, she's the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the Government. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you the People. The nanny, we'll consider her the Working Class. And your baby brother, we'll call him the Future. Now, think about that and see if that makes sense."
So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. The little boy goes to his parents' room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father having sex with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed.
The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now." The father says, "Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about." The little boy replies, "Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are being ignored and the Future is in Deep Shit."
Boss says Problem? No such thing, we call it an opportunity!
Man says Ok I have a serious drinking opportunity.
They got excited and asked if I could drive a truck.
Malnourished.
I said, "Really?! Thanks boss, see you next week!"
"Don't call me son," I said. "You're not my dad."
He scratched his head. "No, but I brought you up, didn't I?"
Hello, is that Mr Jenkins?
Yes, how can I help you?
Hi, This is little Billy's music teacher calling
Oh, hi
Yeah, hi. I just wanted to let you know it looks like you have a little Elvis Presley on your hands!
Really? Wow! That's..
Yeah, we just found him dead on the toilet
I prefer to call it 'changing my ringtone'.
and not joint custody?
Micro trans-action.
A receding hare line.
or texts me, I'm so lonely, pls help.
malnourished
The first caller get's through,
"Hello! What word do you think should be in the dictionary?"
"Goan!"
"Goan? Can you use it in a sentence?"
"Yeah, go'an fuck yerself!" The caller then begins laughing until the station can cut off his call.
After several more calls they get another man,
"And what's your word sir?"
"Smee!"
"Can you use it in a sentence?"
"Aye! S'mee again! *Go'an fuck yerself!*"
^^*edit* ^^- ^^thanks ^^for ^^the ^^gold ^^stranger
No Whey JosΓ©.
I forgot to bring my phone, so I used my friend's phone to call her.
She answered: "What's up, honey?"
What a smart girl! She knew I was the one on the phone!
Reintarnation
An old Jew is on his deathbed. With weak voice he asks to call for a partorg because before his death he wants to join the Communist Party. A happy partorg rushes to him with filled out membership form to sign and a ready Party membership card. As the Jew signs the form he carefully takes the membership card and presses it against his heart.
In a peaceful and happy voice he whispers: "Today one more communist will die"
Should we call them Vanilla Isis ?
She thinks it's because she's cute with big brown eyes. But it's really because I want someone to shoot her mother with a hunting rifle.
**
Now I know why people call me handsome
Now I know why people call me handsome.
"Where is everybody? This place is usually packed this time of day," the cowboy says.
The bartender replies, "They've gone to the hanging."
"Hanging? Who are they hanging?"
"Brown Paper Pete," says the bartender.
"What kind of name is that? Why do they call him Brown Paper Pete?" the cowboy asks.
"Well," says the bartender, "he wears a brown paper hat, brown paper shirt, brown paper trousers and brown paper shoes."
"Weird guy," says the cowboy. "What are they hanging him for?"
"Rustling," says the bartender.
Mourning Wood
Mississippi
Friend :"ok, shoot."
Me: " what has a tiny penis, and hangs down?"
Friend: " I dunno, what?"
Me: " A bat... now, what has an enormous penis and hangs up?"
Friend" I dunno what?"
*click*
Irene.
There's no joke here, I just hate that bitch.
Doctor: sir, we've narrowed your wife's illness down to two things. She either has Alzheimer's or AIDS.
Man: Well how are we supposed to know which?
Doctor: Take her for a drive, drop her off 30 minutes from your house and if she comes home don't fuck her.
Friends.
The biggest winner is Melania Trump. She can now call herself The First Lady instead of The Third Wife.
A Dick-hater-ship.
FeyΓ³nce
Because burning that shit will get you stoned!
They left me hanging
Molasses
Actually, it's because I would like someone to shoot her mother with a hunting rifle...
"Which doctor?", she replied.
"No, the regular kind."
A midget spinner.
An ambulance you racist.
A widow.
A Οthon
A Goodyear
Relative humidity.
God said,
"I think I'm going to call it a day."
A Marxman.
Prime mates.
Mom: "I told you not to call me mom in public."
So I hit her, because no one can call my mom a bitch.
Then I hit myself, because no one can hit my mum.
Then she hit me, because no one can hit her son.
And then she hit herself, because NO ONE can hit her son.
Then I hit her. because no one can hit my mum.
I hope we'll solve this when father gets home...
Pence: The fewer
Trump: I told you not to call me that yet
Because it would be too suspicious to call them "daddy".
A blueberry hahaha fuck you all
"friends"
The phone rang at the motor pool and an authoritative voice demanded to know how many vehicles were operational.
Paddy answered, "We've got twelve trucks, ten utilities, three staff cars and that Bentley the fat-arsed colonel swanks around in."
There was a stony silence for a second or two.
''Do you know who you are speaking to?''
''No,'' said Paddy.
''It is the so-called fat-arsed colonel you so insubordinately referred to.''
''Well, do you know who you are talking to?'' asked paddy
''No,'' roared the colonel.
''Well thank goodness for that,'' said paddy and hung up the phone.
The dude got all excited and asked me if i could drive a truck
A waist of time.
...on a plane. Let's call them Steve and Bill.
"Dude, what if we had sex?" asks Steve.
"You crazy? Here, on the plane? It would be awkward, everyone would watch us doing it..."
"Man, nobody is even paying attention to anything. Look!"
Steve stands up and asks loudly:
"Could I have a pencil, please?"
Nobody gives a damn. Everyone is sleeping, reading, looking out the window, etc.
"They really wouldn't care then, would they?" says Bill.
So Steve and Bill have wild sex on the plane.
Later, when the plane arrives to the airport and the people are leaving, the stewardess sees an old man who threw up all over his shirt, even his pants are soaking in the filth.
"Sir, you should've asked for a bag!"
"I didn't dare" whispers the old man. "A few rows ahead I saw a man asking for a pencil and he got fucked in the ass..."
Laughing stock.
"Surely it's not going to rain today?"
She said "it will, and don't call me Shirley"
...Forgot to take my phone off Airplane mode.
Brothel Sprouts.
She says to the pharmacist, "I'd like a poison that will kill my husband but make it look like he died of natural causes."
The pharmacist says, "Ma'am, not only can I not do that for you, I'm going to call the police and report you."
The woman takes out something out of her pocket and hands it to him. It's a picture of her husband having sex with the Pharmacist's wife.
"Oh, you should have told me you had a prescription."
Christian Bale
Q: What do you call a gay man with a vasectomy?
A: Seedless fruit.
An Edison.
It replied, "It is and don't call me Shirley!"
Guess I forgot to take my phone off Airplane modeβ¦
A Moleionaire
A seasoned veteran.
Then they call me ugly and poor.
3 people have sex is a three-some
and 2 people have sex is a two-some
Now you know why they call me handsome
Because that's where I go to cry.
She rang my room and said,
What the fuck are you doing
with your life?
He was like, "No way!"
I was like, "Yahweh"
A widow
Battle Royale with Cheese.
They would call it crucifact.
...and suddenly, I feel a large slap on my ass.
Turning around, I spot the ugliest woman imaginable; she was large, heavily tattooed, and caked with metric tonnes of makeup.
She said to me, "Hey there, guy. I saw you over there and thought you should call me."
I looked her over once again, disgusted, then said, "Do you have a pen?"
She replied "Of course!"
"Well you'd better get back in it before the farmer realizes that you're gone."
Artificial intelligence
*
Bitches love being called beautiful.
A four chin teller.
His Agent says, "Sure. No hassle."
A Dell
"Jake, you can't call yourself Black just because you went to jail once. That is racist"
A vegetarian.
Husband: can you come here and help me with this clock?
The woman walks in the room and sees her husband sitting at the edge of their bed with a raging hard-on
Wife: thats not a clock
Husband: it will be when you put two hands and a face on it.
A threesome
A father in law
A Jehovah's Witness knocks on a Jew's door.
Jew: "Can I help you?"
Witness: "Hello sir, I'm here to tell you about the great Lord Jehovah!"
Jew: "Is that what you call him? You know, we have a name for him too..."
Witness: "No way?!"
Jew: "Yahweh."
Because burning it will get you stoned
A paragraph because he's too short to be an essay
I guess that's why they call me handsome...
Last night my phone died while I was out, so I used my brother's phone to call her.
And she answered, "What's up, sexy?" Before I even said a word!
...and say "Hello." So we'll hold up something to our ears and do the same, as though we were answering his call.
Yesterday I happened to be holding his stuffed animal lamb when he was doing this, so I held the lamb to my ear and responded. I looked over to my wife and said something like "look dear, he's calling me on the lamb-line."
She conceded that that was actually a pretty good one, at least for me.
A tourist
An old man calls up his son and says, "Listen, your mother and I are getting divorced. Forty-five years of misery is enough."
"Dad, what are you talking about?" the son screams.
We can't stand the sight of each other any longer, he says. "I'm sick of her face, and I'm sick of talking about this, so call your sister and tell her," and he hangs up.
Now, the son is worried. So he calls up his sister. She says, "Like hell they're getting divorced!" and calls her father immediately. "You're not getting divorced! Don't do another thing, the two of us are flying home tomorrow to talk about this. Until then, don't call a lawyer, don't file a paper, DO YOU HEAR ME? and she hangs up.
The old man turns to his wife and says "Okay, they're coming for Christmas and paying their own airfare."
A paragraph cause he isn't a full essay
Because elephants never forget.
Guardians of the Galaxy
A Marx-man
Artificial Swedeners
Because burning that shit will get you stoned.
Got a call centre in Afghanistan, and told them I was suicidal.
They got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck...
She said, "it is, and dont call me Shirley".
Forgot to take my phone off Airplane mode.
Oh no! Playstation and xbox online services are down! Someone call an ambulance! Wii U Wii U Wii U
The Church
A father in law.
Feyoncè
Per
If you call a girl fat, she'll never forget it, because elephants never forget.
Nobody's perfect.
The hardest part is always having to act surprised.
Prime mates
Phillipe Phillope
They said that couldn't do anything about crows and to stop calling.
A neck romancer.
He wakes up one night and opens the closet and he sees himself. Scared, he quickly calls the cops
"Police! There's a burglar in my closet, come quickly!"
A police man arrives at the idiots house and opens the closet and finds the mirror. He takes a step back and slaps the idiot as hard as he can
"Why did you call me when you already had a policeman inside?!"
An unawarewolf.
My severely diabetic sister.
Spiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiider
Professor +
I'm sorry. lol.
"The only government organization that **actually** listens to you!"
A Private is standing outside in the smoking area, joking around with one of his buddies.
A young Lieutenant walks up to them, and asks "Private, have you got change for a dollar?"
The private looks over at him, and replies " Yea sure buddy, no problem".
The Lieutenant stares at him, mouth agape, then begins tearing into him. "What directly in the fuck did you call me Private? I am not your buddy, I am an Officer, and you will afford me all the respect deserving of my rank! Put your heels together and stand at attention when you address me!"
The Lieutenant takes a deep breath, and looks the Private who is now standing ramrod straight, over.
"Let me ask you again, Private, and chose your words carefully this time. Do you have change for a dollar?"
"I do not, sir!".
That's because elephants never forget.
A man is caught fishing illegally for lobsters.
He has two in his boat when the police approach him.
The man claims he's not poaching them and they are his pet lobsters, he's just taking them for a swim.
"I let them play in the water for a few minutes but when I whistle they come back to me."
So the police let him place the lobsters in the water and command the man to call them back.
"Call who back?"
I call him cigarette. Every night I take him out for a drag.
Did you ever wanted to prank someone about Call? Well, here are the best jokes about Call to have fun with.