Call 911 Jokes
129 call 911 jokes and hilarious call 911 puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about call 911 that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest Call 911 Short Jokes
Short call 911 jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The call 911 humour may include short dialed 911 jokes also.
- How many Karen's does it take to change a light bulb? Just one...to call 911 and demand a cop come do something about the intimidating blackness
- A blonde accidentally kills a cop and calls the police: - Hello, is this 911?
- Yes, what is your emergency?
- I called to inform you that you're 910 now. - A telephone rang. "Hello! Is your phone number 444-4444?" "Yes, it is," came the reply.
"Thank Goodness! Could you call 911 for me? I super-glued my finger to the phone." - Woman calls 911 about a peeping tom in her yard 911: "How do you know he's a peeping tom?"
Woman: "When I asked him what he was doing out there, he said 'I was trying to get a pikachu'". - A boy calls 9-11. "9-11 what is your emergency?"
The boy replied, "My parents are fighting and I'm scared.."
"Well who's your father?"
"Well that's what they're fighting about." - I want to start an interior design company, I'm going to call it 9/11 because it's an inside job.
- When I bring you breakfast in bed, why can't you just say "thank you"? ...instead of all this "how did you get in to my house?" calling 9-11 business.
- A blonde's boyfriend dies after choking She tried calling 911 but couldn't find the eleven.
- A guy calls 911 "Send an ambulance! My wife's having a baby!"
"Just calm down down", says the operator, "Is this her first baby?"
"No it's her husband you idiot!" - A guy calls 911 Guy: *calls 911* Hello? I need your help!
911: Alright, What is it?
Guy: Two girls are fighting over me!
911: So what's your emergency?
Guy: The ugly one is winning.
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Call 911 One Liners
Which call 911 one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with call 911? I can suggest the ones about 911 calls and 911 emergency.
- Chuck Norris called 911 And asked if they needed help.
- I'm a Sikh and tired of being called a Muslim. We're the 7-ELEVEN guys not the 9/11 guys.
- Go ahead, call 911! We'll see who comes first.
- What did Chuck Norris say after calling 911? What's your emergency?
- It's the arabs fault that 9/11- Isn't called IX/XI
- What do you call 9/11 without the arabs? IXXI
- What do you call jokes about 9/11 and why are they generally not funny? Too plain jokes
- Why can't the blonde call 911? Because she can't find the '11' button on the phone.
- The officer Someone shot an officer and called 911. He told them they're 910 now.
- My girlfriend calls me 9/11 Because I have forever tarnished the legacy of her Bush.
- Why a blonde woman can't call the 911? Because she dont find the 11
- What do you call dancing Israelis on 9/11? Mossad
- 911 calls Chuck Norris for emergency.
- If 9/11 happened in New Jersey what would they've called it? Raiders of the New Ark
- There Should Be A Day For Bringing Awareness To Calling The Cops 9/11
Call 911 Funny Jokes And Hilarious Puns.
What funny jokes about call 911 you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean 911 operator jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make call 911 pranks.
Two hunters
Two hunters were out walking in the woods when suddenly one of them collapses and falls to the ground. The other hunter calls 911 and says "Help! My friend collapsed and died! What can I do?". The 911-operator replies "Calm down, I can help you. First, let's make sure he's really dead". There's a silence and then a gunshot. The hunter gets back on the phone and says "Ok, now what?"
Two men are hunting in the woods.
One of them sees a deer and fires, but accidentally shoots his friend in the back. When he realizes what happened, he immediately calls 911.
"Hello, what is your emergency?"
"I think I just killed my friend while hunting!"
"Ok, we'll send an ambulance immediately. But don't say things like that unless you're certain. Can you make sure he's dead?"
The emergency operator hears him walk a few steps then, *bang!*
"Ok, now I'm sure."
Remember the first time you called 911 on your parents for a b**... reason?
It was right before you had to call them for a legitimate reason.
Two guys were out hunting. . .
Two guys are out hunting and while they were walking one of them grabs his chest and falls forward
Panicked the other guy calls 911 and says I think my friend is dead . . .
The operator says "ok calm down first lets make sure he is dead."
It goes silent on the hunters end and then you hear a gunshot. . .
The guy gets on the phone and says "okay, now what?"
Mental health hotline.
Hello, welcome to the mental health hotline.
If you have obsessive compulsive disorder, press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.
If you have multiple personality syndrome, press 3, 4, 5, and 6.
If you suffer from paranoid schizophrenia, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call.
If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transfered to the mothership.
If you are hearing voices, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press.
If you are manic depressive, it doesn't matter which button you press. No one will answer anyway.
If you are dyslexic, press 96969696969696.
If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the pound button until a representative comes on the line.
If you have amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, phone number, date of birth, social security number, and your mother's and grandmother's maiden names.
If you have post traumatic stress disorder, slowly and carefully press 911.
If you have bi-polar disorder, please leave a message after the beep. Or before the beep. Or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.
If you have short term memory loss, please try you call again in a few minutes.
If you have low self esteem, please hang up. All our representatives are busy.
A boy calls 911.
911 picks up and the boy yells, "Help, help!
911 asks, "What's the emergency?"
The boy says, "Two girls are fighting over me!"
911 responds, "Is that a problem?"
The boy replies, "No, but it looks like the ugly one is winning!"
I got really bad sunburn after falling asleep on my stomach at the beach...
I wanted emergency medical attention but 911 never returned my call. I guess they put it on the back burner.
How are you going to celebrate 9-11?
I go to the tallest tower in my city. Call up a pizza place and order two large planes.
A blonde's house catches on fire..
She starts freaking out and finally calls 911. She exclaims, "my house is on fire come as fast as you can!" The operated says, "Okay, calm down and tell me how do we get to your house?", the blonde then replies arrogantly and annoyed, "Well duh, in the big red truck!"
Two men go on a hunting trip...
One of them trips, hits his head on a rock, and passes out. The other man calls 911 and says "I think my buddy's dead!". The operator says "Make sure first." The man puts the phone down and the operator hears a gunshot. A second later the man says "Yah he's dead."
Two guys are out hunting
Two guys are out hunting and one of them falls down a ravine. The other one run down to him, can't find a pulse, and calls calls 911 and says "Help me my friend is dead! I don't know what to do!" The operator says "That's okay just calm down I'm going to help. Now let's start by making sure he's actually dead." There's silence on the line and then a gunshot is heard. The guy comes back on the line and says "Okay now what?"
Not like that...
Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He's not breathing and his eyes are glazed, so his friend calls 911. "My friend is dead! What should I do?" The operator replies, "Calm down, sir. I can help. First make sure that he's dead." There's a silence, then a loud bang. Back on the phone, the guy says, "OK, now what?"
So on the morning of 9/11 then Pakistani President Pervez Musharraf rang up Bush
Musharraf - "Mr President, I would like to express my condolences to you. It is a real tragedy. So many people, such great buildings... I would like to assure that we had nothing in connection with that..
Bush - "What buildings? What people?"
Musharraf - "Oh, what time is it in America now?"
Bush - "It's eight in the morning."
Musharraf - "Oops... Will call back in an hour."
Two men are in the woods hunting
one falls into a pit. His friend calls 911 on his cell phone. He tells the operator, "My friend fell into a pit. I think he might be dead!" The operator tells him, "Ok sir. Please remain calm. First, make sure he's dead." There's a pause, followed by a gun shot. Then the man comes back on the line and says, "Okay. Now what?"
Two hunters are walking in the forest
One hunter says to the other,
"DUCK! THERE's A DEER BEHIND YOU!"
The other hunter, however does not duck, and is subsequently shot.
He falls to the ground, and the shooter immediately calls 9-1-1.
Before the operator can say anything, he screams, "HELP HELP I THINK MY FRIEND IS DEAD!"
The operator says, "Well, first lets make sure he actually dead."
Another gunshot rings through the forest.
The hunter then says, "What should I do now?"
Jimmy is out hunting with his best buddy Mark
When Mark suddenly clutches his chest and falls to the ground. Thinking quickly Jimmy calls 911.
"My friend just had a heart attack! I think he's dead." he says the operator
"Ok sir, calm down. First check to make sure he's definitely dead. I'll hold."
**\*BLAM***
"Yeah, he's definitely dead."
A man finds a rhumba of rattlesnakes inside a suitcase
So he calls 911 and tells the operator about the matter at hand. The operator is shocked to hear this and asks whether the snakes are moving. The man says "I don't know, but that might explain the suitcase."
A guy calls 911 and says: "I hit a pig on the side of the highway, what do I do?"
The operator replies: "If it's still alive, put it out of its misery."
The operator hears a gunshot and then the man comes back on the phone.
"Done, now what do I do with his motorcycle?"
A 911 operator gets a call one morning from a frantic man.
"My friend and I were out on a camping trip and I think he had a heart attack and he might have died and I don't know what to do".
The operator says to him "OK. Stay calm. First lets make sure he is dead".
The man says OK and a minute later the operator hears a gun shot. The man comes back and says;
"OK. Now what?"
A blonde woman finds a dead body...
Immediately, she calls the police.
She says, "Hello, I have found a dead body"
The 911 operator replies, "Ok. Thank you for letting us know. Can you tell me the street on which you found it?"
She looks around and says, "Eucalyptus Street"
The operator asks, "Can you spell it for me?"
The blonde women thinks, and tells the operator, "Don't worry, I'll just move it to Smith Street"
A r**...'s father passed away in his sleep
So in the morning, he calls 911 to come pick up the body.
The 911 operator told him that she would send someone out right away.
"Where do you live?" asked the operator.
He replied, "At the end of Eucalyptus Drive."
The operator asked, "Can you spell that for me?
There was a long pause and finally he said, "How 'bout if I drag him over to Oak Street and you pick him up there?"
I witnessed a m**... in the park last night and called 911
They told me to stop calling and leave the crows alone.
Two hunters are out in the woods when suddenly one of them collapses. The other hunter pulls out his phone and calls 911
"My friend is dead, what am I going to do?" the hunter desperately asks.
"Just take is easy, I will help you. First; you need to make sure that he really is dead." the operator replies calmly.
#BANG
"Ok, now what?"
A Polish man calls 911
And says, "Help! My wife is trying to kill me!"
The operator asks, "How can you be sure?"
The Pole says, "I was looking through her medicine cabinet, and I found Polish Remover!"
Two hunters are in the woods when one falls to the ground
He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other calls 911 and gasps "My friend is dead! What can I do?"
The operator says "just take it easy. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is silence, then a shot is heard.
The hunter's voice comes back on the line "ok, now what?"
Two guys are hunting in the woods
All of a sudden, one collapses. His friend calls 911 in a panic. "What do I do? My friend is dead!" "Just calm down," says the operator. "An ambulance is on the way. First, we need to make sure he is actually dead." There is silence for a moment. The operator hears a loud BANG!!!! The hunter returns to the phone. "Okay, now what?"
TELL ME THIS WON'T HAPPEN TO ME
An elderly Floridian called 911 on her cell phone to report that her car has been broken into. She is hysterical as she explains her situation to the dispatcher: "They've stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the brake pedal and even the accelerator!
" she cried. The dispatcher said, "Stay calm. An officer is on the way."
A few minutes later, the officer radios in.
"Disregard," he says. She got in the back-seat by mistake."
Two hunters are out in the woods...
When suddenly one of the men collapses. Shocked, the other man quickly calls 911 and exclaims, "Please help me, my friend is dead!".
The operator responds, "Sir try calm down, I need you to make sure your friend is actually dead"...
A few seconds later a gunshot can be heard through the call.
And the man says, "Okay, now what?"
Accidentally called 911
Set my house on fire to not look s**....
Two men are out hunting when one of them suddenly drops dead
Two men are out hunting when one of them suddenly drops dead. He calls 911 immediately. The operator says "Can I help you sir?"
The man replies "I think my friend is dead! Get an ambulance! What should I do?"
The operator replies "Okay, calm down sir. First we have to make sure he is dead."
There is silence, then a gun shot, then the man comes back on "Okay, what now?"
Two men go out hunting…
Two men go out hunting and everything is going fine until one of them trips, falls on a rock, and becomes unresponsive. Thinking the man is dead, the other man calls 911 and the operator tells him to make sure the man is dead. The operator hears a gunshot and the man says "Ok, what now?"
An elderly lady dials 911.
"Help! Someone's stolen everything in my car," the lady says. "My radio, my windshield, my GPS, even my steering wheel!"
Shortly after, an officer walks up to the car and talks to his radio. "Disregard that last call," the officer said. "She just got in the back seat."
Two men are in the woods...
One man completely drops dead, eyes completely white, and his heart stops, the other man freaks out, and calls 911, they say to "Make sure he is dead." A gunshot is heard and the man asks:
"Okay, what now?"
Two hunters are out in the forest when one of them collapses
Two hunters are out in the forest when one of them collapses. The other one calls '911' and the operator answers.
"This is 911, what is your emergency?" she says.
"Uh... My friend is dead I don't know what to do!" the man replies.
"Ok, calm down. Firstly, you gotta make sure he actually is dead", the woman says.
"Fine, give me 1 second"
*Gunshot fired*
"Ok, what now?" the man asks.
Best Joke in the history of jokes, maybe ever
2 guys are hunting in the woods. The first guy faints and stops breathing. The second guy calls 911 and they say "911, what's your emergency?".
The guy says "My friend and I were hunting in the woods and he fainted. I think he's dead."
The 911 operator responds "First make sure that he is dead before anything"
A loud shot is heard. The guy then says "Ok, what do I do next"
An almost hysterical man calls 911...
He yells, "Please come quickly! Kailey is pregnant and her labor just started now, it's really intense!"
"Is this her first child?" asks the operator.
"No d**...! It's her husband!"
Bubba Calls 911
Emily Sue passed away and Bubba called 911. The 911 operator told Bubba that she would send someone out right away. 'Where do you live?' asked the operator.
Bubba replied, 'At the end of Eucalyptus Drive.'
The operator asked, 'Can you spell that for me?'
There was a long pause and finally Bubba said, 'How 'bout if I drag her over to Oak Street and you pick her up there?'
A couple of hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls on the ground.
He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes have rolled back in his head. The other hunter whips out his cellphone and calls 911. He gasps to the operator "I THINK MY FRIEND IS DEAD, WHAT SHOULD I DO!!!"
The operator responds in a calm, soothing voice "Everything will be ok, first we should make sure he's dead."
After a long silence, the operator hears a shot.
"Ok" Says the hunter "what now?"
Two carrots are walking together down the street,
One of them stepped onto the road and ended up getting run over by a car. The other carrot calls 911 and they take him to the hospital. After hours of waiting the doctor comes out
and says, "I have good news and bad news, the good news is your friend is going to make it, the bad news is that he's going to be a vegetable for the rest of his life"
Dumb r**......
Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He's not breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls 911.
I think my friend is dead! he yells. What can I do?
The operator says, Calm down. First, let's make sure he's dead.
There's a brief silence, followed by a loud gunshot. He get's back on the phone and says, Okay, now what?
There was an incident at my school today--one of the teachers caught a boy sharpening an arrowhead under his desk. She called 911, and the police got involved.
As it turns out, though, it was just a kid knapping.
Recently my daughter cut herself badly with a bread knife
I immediately called 911. the operator told me to apply pressure. I said to my daughter, "When am I going to get a grandchild?"
There are 2 hunters in the woods
suddenly, one of the hunters has a heart attack and falls over. The other hunter calls 911. "Operator, I think my friend is dead," he says. "Well before we do anything else, we need to make sure he is dead," responds the operator. There is silence. Then there is a loud bang. "Ok, now what do I do"?
An elderly woman called 911...
An elderly woman called 911 from her cell phone to report that her car had been broken into.
"They've stolen everything! My radio is gone, my center console is gone, my mirror and the rosary beads hanging from it...even the steering wheel!"
The dispatcher responds that an officer is on the way.
Minutes later, the officer arrives and radios back into dispatch.
"Disregard that last call. She got in the back seat by mistake."
Nobody, Nothing, and Crazy go on a boat.
Nobody, Nothing, and Crazy go on a boat. Nobody falls in the water. Nothing tells Crazy to call the police. Crazy quickly pulls out his phone and dials 911 and says: "Hi, I'm Crazy. I call for Nothing, Nobody fell in the water".
Two hunters are in a forest when, all of sudden, a venomous snake jumps and bites one of them in the groin.
His friend, desperate, calls 911.
"Help me! My friend got bitten by a snake!"
"Calm down, sir! First of all, you must find the location of the bite and s**... the poison out. Can you do that?"
"Gotcha."
The bitten friend asks: "So? What did they say?"
"They said you'll die, dude."
9/11
A man wokring at the World Trade Center calls out sick on the day of September 11th 2001. He turns on the TV and sees the news. His wife yells to him and comes down to watch it with him. "Thats terrible honey, is your boss working today." "God I hope so" he replies
Remain Calm :)
An Emergency Call Centre worker has been fired in Toronto much to the dismay of her colleagues, who were unhappy with her dismissal.
It seems that a caller dialled 911 from a cell phone stating, "I am depressed and lying on a railway line so that when the train comes I can finally meet Allah."
To which the call centre employee replied, "Remain calm and stay on the line
Two men were hiking in the woods when one of the guys faint
His buddy calls 911 and says "My friend just died, what should I do?!"
The dispatcher says : " Stay calm and I am calling help right now. First we have to make sure your friend is dead." And the line suddenly becomes silent. The dispatcher continues to ask "Hello, are you still there?"
Then the guy that called 911 returns on the line and asks: " Ok, now what?"
A 911 operator gets a call.
The caller says, "Help! I was out hunting with my friend, and he slipped and fell down a slope and hit a rock and I think he's dead!"
"Calm down. The first thing you need to do is make sure that he's actually dead."
The operator hears a shot, and then the caller says, "Okay, now what?"
A husband's wife is going into labour, so he decides to call 911...
Operator: 911 what's your emergency?
Responder: My wife's going into labour, I don't know what to do.
Operator: Is this her first born?
Responder: No this is her husband.
If the war on t**... were a TV show what would you call 9/11?
The pilot episode.
A blonde's house is on fire...
so she calls 911 on her cell.
Blonde:"Come quick my house is on fire!"
911 op: "Ma'am I don't see you address coming up how do we get there?"
Blonde: "Well duh, a big red truck!"
Came across a body lying on the sidewalk
A man was walking down the street when he came across a body lying on the sidewalk. He ran to a phone and called 911.
The operator asked him where he was and the man replied, I'm on Sycamore Drive.
How do you spell that? the operator asked.
S-i-c-k… the man began. No, s-i-c-a….. no, s-i-k-a…. oh heck, let me drag him over to Lake street and I'll call you back.
Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses.
He's not breathing so his friend calls 911. 'My friend is dead! What should I do?" The operator replies, "Calm down sir, first make sure that he's really dead." There's a silence, then a loud bang. Back on the phone, the guy says, "Ok, now what?"
A kid falls into a well.
After a few hours, a man walks by and hears shouting. He walks over to the well and yells "Is somebody down there?"
"Yes, please help me!"
"Okay, I called 911 and they're on the way. How old are you? What's it like down there?"
"I'm 14 and this is deep!"
A lion calls 911 and gets put on hold.
a couple of minutes later...
911 what is your emergency?
Jeez Finally! One of our lion cubs was eaten by a hyena!
Are the other cubs safe??
Well, I actually got really hungry while I was on hold...
Two hunters were in the woods
They were on their way back from hunting when one of the hunters suddenly b**... out. The other hunter immediately called 911
911: "911 whats your emergency?"
Hunter: "my friend paased out, I think he is dead!"
911: "Ok, the first think you need to do is make sure he is dead"
The hunter says "ok" and sets the phone down.
*BANG* *BANG* *BANG*
Hunter: "ok, now what?"
Two men are hunting in the woods...
Andy and Ed are off hunting on a hot summer's day, when all of a sudden Ed collapses, seizing and foaming at the mouth. Andy panics and instantly whips out his phone to call 911.
"I think my friend is dead!" Andy frantically yells into the phone.
"Ok, calm down sir. Let's take this one step at a time. First, let's make sure he's actually dead."
There's a silence, then two shots are heard. Back on the phone, Andy says, "Ok, now what?"
Once I had to call 911 but I pressed 7 instead of 9.
The guy died but at least I got a Slurpee.
Bill and Bob go hunting. They split up, and Bob soon finds Bill with a snake bite in his neck.
Bob calls 911, and says I went hunting with my friend and I just found him dead with a snake bite on his neck! 911 says Ok, first let's make sure he's dead . A gunshot is heard. Bob says, Ok, now what?
A young man at his wit's end called the s**... Hotline for help. Unfortunately he was greeted by an automated voice message after waiting for several rings.
"Hello," spoke an artificial sounding voice on the other line "we regret to inform you that the s**... Hotline is no longer in service. If you do require assistance with your s**... please use the emergency number 911 and an officer will be out to assist you shortly."
Two hunters are in the woods when one of them collapses.
His hunting buddy immediately calls 911.
"My friend isn't breathing," - he shouts into the phone, - "What should I do?"
"Relax," - the operator tells him, - "I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead."
There's silence, and then a gunshot. The guy gets back on the phone and says:
"OK, now what?"
Hunting gone wrong
Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He's not breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls 911.
I think my friend is dead! he yells. What can I do?
The operator says, Calm down. First, let's make sure he's dead.
There's a silence, then a shot. Back on the phone, the guy says, OK, now what?
Hunting Gone Horribly Wrong
Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He's not breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls 911.
I think my friend is dead! he yells. What can I do?
The operator says, Calm down. First, let's make sure he's dead.
There's a silence, then a shot. Back on the phone, the guy says, OK, now what?
A Hunter and his Friend go Hunting in the Woods. His Friend accidentally trips and hits his head.
The Man hurried to call 911.
911: 911, What's your Emergency?
Hunter: My Friend tripped and hit his head and he is not moving. What do I do?
911: Ok, Don't Panic. First, make sure if he is dead.
Hunter: Ok. *Long Pause* *Gunshot*
What Next?
Boy: *calls 911* "Hello? I need your help!" 911: "Alright, What is it?"
Boy: Two girls are fighting over me!
911: So what's your emergency?
Boy: The ugly one is winning.
The wife of Korean immigrant was bed ridden with a high fever.
She hadn't had consciousness for a while and she was a burning 40 degrees Celsius. Worried, the husband tries to call for an ambulance, using his broken English.
"911 emergency, how can we help you."
"Wife in bed. She so hot."
"Okay... good for you."
A man calls 911
A man calls 911, frantically telling the operator that there has been a hunting accident.
"My friend tripped and dropped his shotgun. It went off, and he accidentally shot himself. He is bleeding, and I don't know what to do. I think he might be dead."
"Okay", the operator says. "Please try to stay calm. First, we need to make sure he is dead".
"Okay", the man says.
The operator listens to an extended silence, followed by a gunshot.
"Okay", the man says. "Now what?"