The Best 80 California Jokes
Following is our collection of funny California jokes. There are some california florida jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud.
Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these california oklahoma puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.
Top 10 of the Funniest California Jokes and Puns
In California...
Did you know that in California you cannot take a picture of a woman with a basket of strawberries?
...you need a camera because strawberries do not take pictures.
My favorite joke of all time.
A man calls information for a phone number (this happened before smart phones)
Anyway, the man asks for Derp Smith in Derpville, California.
The operator says "I have many listings for Derp Smith, do you have a street name?"
The man thought for a moment and replied
"Well, some people call me Iceman."
How many Californians does it take to screw in a light bulb.
None. Californians screw in hot tubs.
I ain't sayin she a gold digger,
but she did move to California in 1849.
A man stumbles across an old lamp.....
A man was walking along a California beach and stumbled across an old lamp. He picked it up and rubbed it and out popped a genie.
The genie said, "OK, You released me from the lamp, blah blah blah. This is the fourth time this month and I'm getting a little sick of these wishes so you can forget about three... You only get one wish!"
The man sat, and thought about it for a while and said, "I've always wanted to go to Hawaii, but I'm scared to fly and I get very seasick. Could you build me a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over there to visit?"
The genie laughed and said, "That's impossible!!! Think of the logistics of that! How would the supports ever reach the bottom of the Pacific? Think of how much concrete, how much steel!! No, think of another wish."
The man said "OK, I will try to think of a really good wish". Finally, he said, "I've been married and divorced four times. My wives always said that I don't care and that I'm insensitive. So, I wish that I could understand women, know how they feel inside and what they're thinking when they give me the silent treatment, know why they're crying, know what they really want when they say "nothing," know how to make them truly happy."
The genie said, "Do you want that bridge to be two lanes or four?"
Here in California Catholics use non-fat, high fiber communion wafers.
They call them "I can't believe it's not Jesus"
Dough Boy
Veteran Pillsbury spokesman Pop N. Fresh died Wednesday of a severe yeast infection. He was 71.
He was buried Friday in one of the biggest funerals in years. Dozens of celebrities turned out including Mrs. Butterworth, the California Raisins, Hungry Jack, Betty Crocker, and the Hostess Twinkies.
The graveside was piled high with flours, as longtime friend Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy, describing Fresh as a man who "never knew he was kneaded".
Fresh rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers. He was not considered a smart cookie, and wasted much of his dough on half-baked schemes.
Still, even as a crusty old man, he was a roll model to millions. Fresh is survived by his second wife. They had two children, and one in the oven.
The funeral was at 3:50 for 20 minutes.
A U. S. Navy destroyer stops four Mexicans in a row boat rowing towards California...
The captain gets on the loud-hailer and shouts, "Ahoy, small craft. Where are you headed?"
One of the Mexicans puts down his oar, stands up, and replies, "We are invading the United States of America to reclaim the territory taken by the USA during the 1800s."
The entire crew of the destroyer doubled-over in laughter. When the captain was finally able to catch his breath, he gets back on the loud-hailer and asks, "Just the four of you?"
The same Mexican stands up again and shouts, "No, we're the last four. The rest are already there!"
A Texas Salesman
A young guy from Texas moves to California and goes to a big department store looking for a job.
The manager asks him, "Do you have any sales experience?"
"Yeah, I was a salesman back home in Texas."
Well, the boss liked the kid, so he gave him the job. "You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did."
His first day on the job was rough but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down. "How many sales did you make today?"
"One."
"Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale for?"
"$79,237.64."
His boss is astounded. "$79,237.64? What did you sell him?"
"Well, first I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fish hook. Then I sold him a larger fish hook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing, and he said down at the coast, so I told him he was gonna need a boat, so we went down to the boat department, and I sold him that twin engine SeaRay. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4X4 Suburban."
The boss said, "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and truck?"
The young man replied, "No, he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his wife, and I said, 'Well, since your weekend's shot, you might as well go fishing.'"
What did Arnold Schwarzenegger become after he resigned as Governor of California?
An ex-terminator.
What kind of cigarettes do California kids smoke?
Yours.
You can explore california populous reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean california dani dad jokes. There are also california puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.
Whose fault is it that California always has earthquakes?
San Andreas fault.
California Roll
A man driving approaches a stop sign and slows down to a cool 5 mph, rolls smoothly across the crosswalk, looks both ways, and glides forward when he sees the coast is clear.
Unbeknownst to him, a cop sees this and pulls him over on the next block.
The cop pulls the guy out of the car and starts beating him.
The guy starts yelling "Stop! STOP!! What are you doing?! Stop!!!"
"Oh I'm sorry, did you want me to stop or slow down?"
Why does California have more lawyers and New Jersey have more toxic waste dumps?
New Jersey got to choose first
Did you hear that actress from Legally Blonde was stabbed?
Me: Yeah. She was stabbed in California, in broad day light. The one from legally blonde. Reese....Something.... with-er... um...with-uh... ..ummm...
Friend: Witherspoon?
Me: No. With a knife.
I have the solution to the drought in California
Just let all the ladies hear my mixtape
What's a Californians favorite type of comedy?
Dry humor
What happens when the fog clears in California?
UCLA
What does a terrorist call wine made in California?
White Infidel
I hate Sharknado, it is SO unrealistic.
Rain? In California? Did they even pretend to research for this movie?
Do you know why Mexico doesn't have an Olympic team?
Everyone who can run, jump or swim now lives in California.
Does your state have less water than California?
Drought it.
California
Q: How many Northern Californians does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: Hella.
I heard they found water on Mars...
I bet California is pretty jealous.
My roommate from California was homesick
So I stole his water bottle to make him feel more at home.
A thirsty man from Michigan went to California to find something to drink
Because no water is better than Michigan water.
Why did the Broncos wear white jerseys in Super Bowl 50?
Because it's hard to catch a white bronco in California.
I heard Hotel California for the 6th time on the radio during my cross country road trip.
You can change the station any time you like, but the song never leaves
How many Californians does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Californians don't screw in lightbulbs, they screw in hot tubs. (I remember this from the 1970s when I was in middle school. It's one of my first dirty jokes)
Oklahoma asked California about all these earthquakes recently.
California said "It's not our fault."
Why don't casinos in Las Vegas hire girls from California?
Because they, like, can't even deal.
Just got my free yearly car wash
Thanks California!
Two seismologists have divided California into North and South to be monitored for earthquakes. A deadly magnitude 9 happens right in the middle
The North seismologist says: "why didn't you see the earthquake coming?!"
The South seismologist says: "It's not my Fault!"
California legalized marijuana
I guess they had a high voter turnout.
How can California secede from the Us without any documents or agreements?
Earthquakes
The votes are in, and California has legalized Marijuana.
however, one ethnic group that voted disproportionately against the proposition were Cambodian-Americans. When asked why, most said that they'd had bad prior experiences with Pot.
Californians hate walls so much...
They cried until the Oroville dam collapsed.
Guy A-"I was born in California."
Guy B- "Which part?"
Guy A- "All of me."
What do you call a waffle on a California beach?
A Sandy Eggo.
There are three certainties in life. Death, taxes...
...and the fact that the object in front of you causes cancer in the state of California.
I'm moving to California to become a real estate agent...
I heard the market is on fire!!!
California is like a box of cereal...
When you get rid of all the fruits and nuts, all that's left are the flakes.
For a state that catches fire a lot...
...California sure has a lot of snowflakes.
Christmas Carol not to be sung in Southern California...
Oh the weather outside is frightful...
But the fire is so delightful...
And since you have no place to go....
I live in California and my friend told me, I wish the leaves here changed color. I told him, the leaves in California change all the time...
they go from green to on fire.
California hasn't fallen into the sea, so apparently it worked.
Back in the 1970's there was a cult in California who believed that they could save California by appeasing the San Andreas. There were parts of San Andreas that literally gaped open wide, and members of the cult were noted for throwing all their earthly possessions down into the amazingly deep cracks in the Earth's crust. Of course, skeptics accused the cult of being merely generous to a fault.
Now that weed is legal in California, I don't need my Xanax prescription anymore.
I was always suffering from chronic anxiety I was about to be arrested for illegal possession.
The best part of winter
Is watching it on TV from California
Did you know California supplies 2/3 of the nations fruits and nuts?
And a lot of produce too.
A kid was begging his dad to move to California.
Dad: Give me one reason why I should agree
Kid: California starts with Cal
Dad: And?
Kid: Calculator also starts with Cal
Dad: What does that mean?
Kid: It all adds up
What do you call a waffle made in California?
A sandy Eggo.
The best way to tell if you're in California
Is to look up at the sun, and see if there is a may cause cancer warning label on it.
What's the difference between Los Angeles and Kim Kardashian?
One is a dirty, washed-up place many great men have visited. The other one is a city in California.
A New Bed Size
Forget a California King! A West Virginia King has enough space for the whole family!
Three men got stranded on an island and found a genie's lamp
The first man said, "I wish I was back home with my family."
*Poof*, he was gone.
The second man said, "I wish I were living in a mansion in California."
*Poof*, he was gone.
The third man thought and paced for a bit, then finally groaned and said, "This is too hard! I wish my friends were here to help me figure this out!"
It's getting real bad here in California. I just got robbed at the gas station. I called the cops and they asked if I knew who did it.
"It was pump #5," I replied.
If California splits into 3 states, we just need to make Puerto Rico a state.
We's have a prime number of states and finally be one nation, indivisible
A poll was taken in California, asking if people thought illegal immigration was a serious problem. 29 percent said, 'Yes, it is a serious problem.'
71 percent said, 'No es un problema serio.'
Now that most of California has banned the use of straws,
I just going to have to drink my frappuccino through this assault rifle.
California is looking to eradicate a once popular item.
Apparently it was the last straw.
With many truck routes blocked from Wildfire, California residents are having beef shipments airdropped to them.
The steaks have never been higher.
A monkey and a weasel go to a bar in California
The monkey sits down at the bar and orders a beer. He gestures at the weasel and says, "he's driving though, so no beer for him." The bartender turns to the weasel and says, "alright, what'll you have?"
"Soda," goes the weasel.
California Condor
A man was in court the other day accused of shooting and killing a California Condor. The judge asked the man, "Why on Earth would you kill one of the magnificent creatures?" The man replied, "Your honor, I have been out of work for quite a while and me and my family were hungry with nothing to eat and I looked up and saw this big bird over head so I shot it down and fed my family with it." The judge said, "That is a tough story. I am sorry for your situation and I will certainly take it into consideration when I sentence you, but by the way, I am a little curious as to what it tastes like." The man replied, "It's really not bad. Kind of a mix between a spotted owl and a baby seal."
California Census
When California was determining its census rules, a law similar to the three fifths compromise was considered, under which two Asian Americans would be counted the same as one caucasian.
The law was rejected, because the lawmakers all agreed that two Wongs don't make a white.
10 worst states in America
**10.There aren't**
**9. Any states**
**8. That**
**7. Deserve to be**
**6. Labeled as "worst"**
**5. Because**
**4. They all**
**3. Have their own**
**2. Wonderful features.**
**1. California**
Elon Musk says he is going to pull Tesla out of California
Never trust a guy with 6 kids that says he is going to pull out
Why did California become a red state?
Someone threw a gender reveal party.
Did you hear about that politician who objected to building another reservoir in California?
His argument didn't hold water.
I hope Bethesda's next Elder Scrolls game is a racing thriller set in South California
They already have the perfect name for it: TES: LA Motors. I don't see why they couldn't.
A man in California spent 3 months, 2 weeks, 5 days and 19 hours, sculpting and carving the biggest replica Aspirin tablet for the Guinness Book of World Records.... only to find out there was still one bigger and his was second place.
That must have been a hard pill to swallow.
Did you hear about the California owl conspiracy network?
They're calling themselves the "ca-hoots".
In what California city did the Flintstones' family pet forget to apply his sunblock?
Sunburnadino
What happens when you're driving on a highway in California and the smoke clears?
UCLA
A passenger at an airport in New York was at the counter
-I'm going California for business, I want to go to Los Angeles, I want to send the big suitcase in my right hand to San Francisco and the smaller suitcase on ground to San Diego.
-Excuse me sir, but I'm afraid that's not possible, we can't do that.
-Great then, because that's what you did on my last flight.
Signs of our times
My brother says hiring in California is so low, they updated the policy - Long hair freaky people "may" apply.
How do you keep Texans and their politics in Texas?
Place a "Welcome to California" sign on every road leading out of Texas. They'll turn right around.
*Edit*: Hey, hey, hey. If you don't like the joke, downvote ME. Leave my commenters alone!
A recent study found that California has the highest rate of Depression and Infidelity in America.
It's a sad state of affairs.
Why does Florida have so many Conservatives and California have so many earthquakes?
California had first choice!
**just a joke, I respect your right to your opinion and free expression **
I was born in california
A: "I was born in California."
B: "Which part?"
A: "All of me."
A: "Excuse me. Do you know the way to the zoo?"
B: "No, I'm sorry I don't."
A: "Well, it's two blocks this way, then one block to the left."
Why Did The Gender Fluid Canadian Head Back To 1800's California?
Because there's Gold in Them/Their Hills!
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