California Jokes
103 california jokes and hilarious california puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about california that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Check out this list of funny jokes about California! From the sunny beaches in Los Angeles to the rolling hills of Bakersfield, discover a variety of unique California jokes about the state's iconic attractions, earthquakes, and people. With jokes about the Hotel California and other places like Texas and Iowa, you're sure to find some good laughs from the most populous state in the United States.
Quick Jump To
Funniest California Short Jokes
Short california jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The california humour may include short drought jokes also.
- If California splits into 3 states, we just need to make Puerto Rico a state. We's have a prime number of states and finally be one nation, indivisible
- Why did the Broncos wear white jerseys in super bowl 50? Because it's hard to catch a white bronco in California.
- Elon Musk says he is going to pull tesla out of California Never trust a guy with 6 kids that says he is going to pull out
- Why did New Jersey get all the toxic waste and California get all the lawyers? New Jersey got to pick first.
- Oklahoma asked California about all these earthquakes recently. California said "It's not our fault."
- The best way to tell if you're in California Is to look up at the sun, and see if there is a may cause cancer warning label on it.
- It's getting real bad here in California. I just got robbed at the gas station. I called the cops and they asked if I knew who did it. "It was pump #5," I replied.
- Here in California Catholics use non-fat, high fiber communion wafers. They call them "I can't believe it's not Jesus"
- Now that most of California has banned the use of straws, I just going to have to drink my frappuccino through this assault rifle.
- I hate Sharknado, it is SO unrealistic. Rain? In California? Did they even pretend to research for this movie?
Share These California Jokes With Friends
California One Liners
Which california one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with california? I can suggest the ones about residents and state.
- What do you call a waffle on a California beach? A Sandy Eggo.
- California is looking to eradicate a once popular item. Apparently it was the last straw.
- I heard they found water on Mars... I bet California is pretty jealous.
- I ain't sayin she a gold digger, but she did move to California in 1849.
- Why did California become a red state? Someone threw a gender reveal party.
- Does your state have less water than California? Drought it.
- I have the solution to the drought in California Just let all the ladies hear my mixtape
- Guy A-"I was born in California." Guy B- "Which part?"
Guy A- "All of me." - The best part of winter Is watching it on TV from California
- California's new slogan is... "When they go low, we get high"
- I propose a change to California's flag This time it will be a bear but with no arms!
- What kind of cigarettes do California kids smoke? Yours.
- How can California secede from the Us without any documents or agreements? Earthquakes
- What's California's favorite band? Earth Wind and Fire.
- Whose fault is it that California always has earthquakes? San Andreas fault.
Hotel California Jokes
Here is a list of funny hotel california jokes and even better hotel california puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- I heard Hotel California for the 6th time on the radio during my cross country road trip. You can change the station any time you like, but the song never leaves
- what did they tell the eastern European tree who wanted a room at the hotel california you can czech in any time you want
but you can never leaf - The Hotel California was destroyed last night and they're looking for the suspect. Evidence is pointing that its San Andreas' fault
- Chuck Norris once stayed at the Hotel California and was allowed to check out... and leave.
- Chuck Norris CAN leave Hotel California.
- How did the eagles save frodo and the gang... when they were so busy recording hotel California?
Northern California Jokes
Here is a list of funny northern california jokes and even better northern california puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- I bought a briefcase from a new company in Northern California. It's a Zero Hella-burton.
- What makes honey in Northern California? A baybee :)
Silly California Jokes for a Good Time with Friends
What funny jokes about california you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean earthquake jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make california pranks.
In California...
Did you know that in California you cannot take a picture of a woman with a basket of strawberries?
...you need a camera because strawberries do not take pictures.
My favorite joke of all time.
A man calls information for a phone number (this happened before smart phones)
Anyway, the man asks for Derp Smith in Derpville, California.
The operator says "I have many listings for Derp Smith, do you have a street name?"
The man thought for a moment and replied
"Well, some people call me Iceman."
A man stumbles across an old lamp.....
A man was walking along a California beach and stumbled across an old lamp. He picked it up and rubbed it and out popped a genie.
The genie said, "OK, You released me from the lamp, blah blah blah. This is the fourth time this month and I'm getting a little sick of these wishes so you can forget about three... You only get one wish!"
The man sat, and thought about it for a while and said, "I've always wanted to go to Hawaii, but I'm scared to fly and I get very seasick. Could you build me a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over there to visit?"
The genie laughed and said, "That's impossible!!! Think of the logistics of that! How would the supports ever reach the bottom of the Pacific? Think of how much concrete, how much steel!! No, think of another wish."
The man said "OK, I will try to think of a really good wish". Finally, he said, "I've been married and divorced four times. My wives always said that I don't care and that I'm insensitive. So, I wish that I could understand women, know how they feel inside and what they're thinking when they give me the silent treatment, know why they're crying, know what they really want when they say "nothing," know how to make them truly happy."
The genie said, "Do you want that bridge to be two lanes or four?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Dough Boy
Veteran Pillsbury spokesman Pop N. Fresh died Wednesday of a severe yeast infection. He was 71.
He was buried Friday in one of the biggest funerals in years. Dozens of celebrities turned out including Mrs. Butterworth, the California Raisins, Hungry Jack, Betty Crocker, and the Hostess Twinkies.
The graveside was piled high with flours, as longtime friend Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy, describing Fresh as a man who "never knew he was kneaded".
Fresh rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers. He was not considered a smart cookie, and wasted much of his dough on half-baked schemes.
Still, even as a crusty old man, he was a roll model to millions. Fresh is survived by his second wife. They had two children, and one in the oven.
The f**... was at 3:50 for 20 minutes.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A U. S. Navy destroyer stops four Mexicans in a row boat rowing towards California...
The captain gets on the loud-hailer and shouts, "Ahoy, small craft. Where are you headed?"
One of the Mexicans puts down his oar, stands up, and replies, "We are invading the United States of America to reclaim the territory taken by the USA during the 1800s."
The entire crew of the destroyer doubled-over in laughter. When the captain was finally able to catch his breath, he gets back on the loud-hailer and asks, "Just the four of you?"
The same Mexican stands up again and shouts, "No, we're the last four. The rest are already there!"
A Texas Salesman
A young guy from Texas moves to California and goes to a big department store looking for a job.
The manager asks him, "Do you have any sales experience?"
"Yeah, I was a salesman back home in Texas."
Well, the boss liked the kid, so he gave him the job. "You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did."
His first day on the job was rough but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down. "How many sales did you make today?"
"One."
"Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale for?"
"$79,237.64."
His boss is astounded. "$79,237.64? What did you sell him?"
"Well, first I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fish hook. Then I sold him a larger fish hook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing, and he said down at the coast, so I told him he was gonna need a boat, so we went down to the boat department, and I sold him that twin engine SeaRay. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4X4 Suburban."
The boss said, "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and truck?"
The young man replied, "No, he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his wife, and I said, 'Well, since your weekend's shot, you might as well go fishing.'"
What did Arnold Schwarzenegger become after he resigned as Governor of California?
An ex-terminator.
California Roll
A man driving approaches a stop sign and slows down to a cool 5 mph, rolls smoothly across the crosswalk, looks both ways, and glides forward when he sees the coast is clear.
Unbeknownst to him, a cop sees this and pulls him over on the next block.
The cop pulls the guy out of the car and starts beating him.
The guy starts yelling "Stop! STOP!! What are you doing?! Stop!!!"
"Oh I'm sorry, did you want me to stop or slow down?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
California
Q: How many Northern Californians does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: Hella.
My roommate from California was homesick
So I stole his water bottle to make him feel more at home.
A thirsty man from Michigan went to California to find something to drink
Because no water is better than Michigan water.
Just got my free yearly car wash
Thanks California!
Two seismologists have divided California into North and South to be monitored for earthquakes. A deadly magnitude 9 happens right in the middle
The North seismologist says: "why didn't you see the earthquake coming?!"
The South seismologist says: "It's not my Fault!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
California legalized m**...
I guess they had a high voter turnout.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
The votes are in, and California has legalized m**....
however, one ethnic group that voted disproportionately against the proposition were Cambodian-Americans. When asked why, most said that they'd had bad prior experiences with p**....
What do you call a watermelon in California?
A melon
People in California...
At first, people in California were like "Oh, we don't have enough water!" and now they're like "Oh, we have too much water!"
___
They can't make up their *dam* minds.
President Trump to sign an executive action taking aim at Sun Maid and California's Raisin industry
He answered most of the criticism over the weekend by stating
"I would like to make raisins Grape again"
There are three certainties in life. Death, taxes...
...and the fact that the object in front of you causes cancer in the state of California.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
There's a new hospital building in California named after a famous cartoon character
the s**... Dooby Doo ICU.
I'm moving to California to become a real estate agent...
I heard the market is on fire!!!
California is like a box of cereal...
When you get rid of all the fruits and nuts, all that's left are the flakes.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
For a state that catches fire a lot...
...California sure has a lot of snowflakes.
Christmas Carol not to be sung in Southern California...
Oh the weather outside is frightful...
But the fire is so delightful...
And since you have no place to go....
I live in California and my friend told me, I wish the leaves here changed color. I told him, the leaves in California change all the time...
they go from green to on fire.
California hasn't fallen into the sea, so apparently it worked.
Back in the 1970's there was a cult in California who believed that they could save California by appeasing the San Andreas. There were parts of San Andreas that literally gaped open wide, and members of the cult were noted for throwing all their earthly possessions down into the amazingly deep cracks in the Earth's crust. Of course, skeptics accused the cult of being merely generous to a fault.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Now that w**... is legal in California, I don't need my Xanax prescription anymore.
I was always suffering from chronic anxiety I was about to be arrested for i**... possession.
Did you know California supplies 2/3 of the nations fruits and nuts?
And a lot of produce too.
A kid was begging his dad to move to California.
Dad: Give me one reason why I should agree
Kid: California starts with Cal
Dad: And?
Kid: Calculator also starts with Cal
Dad: What does that mean?
Kid: It all adds up
A New Bed Size
Forget a California King! A West Virginia King has enough space for the whole family!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Secede from the Union
United States: Should we do something about guns?
Texas: WE CAN AND WILL SECEDE FROM THE UNION IF WE SEE IT FIT TO DO SO
United States: How bout dem immigrants tho
Texas: WE CAN AND WILL SECEDE FROM THE UNION IF WE SEE IT FIT TO DO SO
United States: I like ice cream
Texas: WE CAN AND WILL SECEDE FROM THE UNION IF WE SEE IT FIT TO DO SO
United States: Let's ban w**...
Texas: aiight cool
California:WE CAN AND WILL SECEDE FROM THE UNION IF WE SEE IT FIT TO DO SO
I unexpectedly won a free trip to the most scenic part of the California central coast.
It was a Big Sur prize.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A poll was taken in California, asking if people thought i**... immigration was a serious problem. 29 percent said, 'Yes, it is a serious problem.'
71 percent said, 'No es un problema serio.'
With many truck routes blocked from Wildfire, California residents are having beef shipments airdropped to them.
The steaks have never been higher.
A monkey and a weasel go to a bar in California
The monkey sits down at the bar and orders a beer. He gestures at the weasel and says, "he's driving though, so no beer for him." The bartender turns to the weasel and says, "alright, what'll you have?"
"Soda," goes the weasel.
California Condor
A man was in court the other day accused of shooting and killing a California Condor. The judge asked the man, "Why on Earth would you kill one of the magnificent creatures?" The man replied, "Your honor, I have been out of work for quite a while and me and my family were hungry with nothing to eat and I looked up and saw this big bird over head so I shot it down and fed my family with it." The judge said, "That is a tough story. I am sorry for your situation and I will certainly take it into consideration when I sentence you, but by the way, I am a little curious as to what it tastes like." The man replied, "It's really not bad. Kind of a mix between a spotted owl and a baby seal."
California Census
When California was determining its census rules, a law similar to the three fifths compromise was considered, under which two Asian Americans would be counted the same as one caucasian.
The law was rejected, because the lawmakers all agreed that two Wongs don't make a white.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
10 worst states in America
**10.There aren't**
**9. Any states**
**8. That**
**7. Deserve to be**
**6. Labeled as "worst"**
**5. Because**
**4. They all**
**3. Have their own**
**2. Wonderful features.**
**1. California**
Did you hear about that politician who objected to building another reservoir in California?
His argument didn't hold water.
I hope Bethesda's next Elder Scrolls game is a racing thriller set in South California
They already have the perfect name for it: TES: LA Motors. I don't see why they couldn't.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A man in California spent 3 months, 2 weeks, 5 days and 19 hours, sculpting and carving the biggest replica Aspirin tablet for the Guinness Book of World Records.... only to find out there was still one bigger and his was second place.
That must have been a hard pill to s**....
Did you hear about the California owl conspiracy network?
They're calling themselves the "ca-hoots".
In what California city did the Flintstones' family pet forget to apply his sunblock?
Sunburnadino
A passenger at an airport in New York was at the counter
-I'm going California for business, I want to go to Los Angeles, I want to send the big suitcase in my right hand to San Francisco and the smaller suitcase on ground to San Diego.
-Excuse me sir, but I'm afraid that's not possible, we can't do that.
-Great then, because that's what you did on my last flight.
A recent study found that California has the highest rate of Depression and Infidelity in America.
It's a sad state of affairs.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Why does Florida have so many Conservatives and California have so many earthquakes?
California had first choice!
**just a joke, I respect your right to your opinion and free expression **
I was born in california
A: "I was born in California."
B: "Which part?"
A: "All of me."
A: "Excuse me. Do you know the way to the zoo?"
B: "No, I'm sorry I don't."
A: "Well, it's two blocks this way, then one block to the left."
Why Did The Gender Fluid Canadian Head Back To 1800's California?
Because there's Gold in Them/Their Hills!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Why did the transgender r**... move to California in 1848?
Because there was gold up in them/their hills
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
r**...
Having grown up in a small Alabama town, my friend James couldn't wait to tell us all about life in California, where he was stationed.
"The malls are massive, and the restaurants are great," he said. Then he grinned. "I even went to a t**... bar."
"Really?" said his mother, surprised.
"What do they do if it starts to rain?"
Moving to louisiana after living in California has been quite difficult
New Orleans is fine, but it's NOLA
A person was pulled over in California
The police officer asked Where are you going to?
The person replied To San Jose (pronouncing it with the j sound)
The police officer said In this part of the country we pronounce j like h. How long have you been around here
The person said Since about Hanuary. I plan to leave around Hune or Huly.
Ok what's the difference between the Titantic and California?
At least the lights were on when the Titanic sank.
Thank you, tip your bartenders ladies and gents…..
Why are California almond farmers so concerned about the record cold temperatures?
They don't want their nuts to freeze off.
