Calendar Up Jokes
128 calendar up jokes and hilarious calendar up puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about calendar up that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Funniest Calendar Up Short Jokes
Short calendar up jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The calendar up humour may include short calendar jokes also.
- Monday - Greg, Tuesday - Ian, Wednesday - Greg, Thursday - Ian, Friday - Greg, Saturday - Ian, Sunday - Greg The Gregorian calendar
- Two guys were arrested for stealing a calendar they each got six months.
I'm so sorry.... - I'd like to wish all mothers a Happy Mother's Day! …and make all the Americans panic.
(It's Mother's Day in the UK, for those worriedly looking at their calendar.) - I can't believe I got fired just for taking a day off. I am never working for a calendar company again.
- What's the difference between you and a calendar? A calendar has a date for Valentine's Day.
- I was so poor growing up, we only had a calendar to use as toilet paper… Now those days are behind me…
- Did you hear about the two criminals who stole a calendar? They both got 6 months.
P.S this is my first ever post! Please be nice!
Sorry for the typo - September was the first calendar month no nfl players were arrested in six years. Kudos to their wives for being so well behaved last month.
- Hey Siri! My girlfriend broke up with me. Oh no, I'm so sorry! Do you want a joke to cheer you up?
Sure.
What is the difference between you and a calendar?
What?
The calendar has dates. - I used to have a job; I used to have a job at a calendar factory but I got the sack because I took a couple of days off.
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Calendar Up One Liners
Which calendar up one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with calendar up? I can suggest the ones about calendar factory and calendar date.
- Why does Spider-Man's calendar only have 11 months? He lost May
- Someone ripped the 5th month out of my calendar. I am completely dismayed
- They fired me from the calendar factory I don't know why. I just took a few days off.
- I bought a Russian advent calendar. Every time you open a window an oligarch falls out.
- What's brown and sticky? My beyonce calendar.
- What do a calendar and a non vaxxed kid have in common? Their days are numbered.
- Today is the rest of the world's 9/11 No, seriously, look up the calendar.
- Have you heard about the two guys who tried to steal a calendar? They each got six months
- The thief who stole my calendar... Got 12 months.
- What did the hitman say to the calendar? Your days are numbered.
- Guys my calendar is really sick.. I think its days are numbered.
- 2020 has a new calendar out January
February
Lockdown
December - BREAKING NEWS: Man arrested due to possessing a stolen calendar He got twelve months
- What did the calendar say on its death bed? My days are numbered.
- Invisible calendars... ... that's something you don't see every day.
Calendar Up Funny Jokes And Hilarious Puns.
What funny jokes about calendar up you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean alarm clock jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make calendar up pranks.
With a calendar, your days are numbered.
I opened Outlook Calendar at work today. It looked like a bad game of Tetris.
I just got this sick job at the Calendar factory. Unfortunately, I still can't get a date.
Number 7
Mark dreams number 7.
He wakes up, looks at his watch: it was 7:07.
He looked at the calendar: July 7, 2007.
Decided it was a sign he's taking the bus 77.
Arrive at the track, put $ 7777 on the horse 7 from the 7th race.
The horse comes seventh.
So we're all thinking it by this point!
Fact of Life:
After Monday and Tuesday even the calendar says W T F
I moved into an advent calendar today...
Its very cold, all the windows are open.
My smartphone is now all I need to organise events in my life
My calendar's days are numbered.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I called the urologist's office for an appointment for erectile dysfunction. The g**... the phone checked the calendar and said, "alright, let's see if we can get you in.."
I said, "exactly."
What did the Calendar say to the Wall-clock the moment it became June 1st?
"I am dismayed!"
On a cold, late December day...
... the wall calendar looked across the room at the advent calendar and said:
"It looks like our days are numbered, pal".
Bob, why were you kicked out from your job?
I took a couple of days off.
Oh, that's hard. Where do you work?
At the calendar factory
My mate got busted stealing a calendar the other day.
He got 12 months.
What's musical and useful at the grocery store?
A Chopin Liszt
Note: taken from one of those horrible "Joke of the Day" desk calendars. It took almost 12 months to get something clever.
Why does Ed Miliband like advent calendars?
Because it's his only chance to open the door to Number 10!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I'm going to make a calendar of s**... Islamic extremists
I will call it, Ji-hotties
Man goes to a restaurant
Sits down at a table by himself and places a calender in front of him. The waiter ask why the calendar? Man replies "I didn't want to be alone so I brought some dates"
12 days of Labour
Why does Jeremy Corbyn enjoy advent calendars?
Because it is the only time he will open the door to Number 10.
What do Jedi say on May 4th?
May the force be with you just like every other day because they have no concept of our Gregorian calendar.
I'm going to give my neighbors calendars for Christmas.
They obviously don't know when 4th of July is because I hear fireworks everywhere.
Why do calendars never get married?
Because they would rather date.
I went to a fancy dress party as a calendar
A guy came up to me and said "Your days are numbered"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
It must really s**... working for a calendar company
You can't take any days off
I just want to give a shoutout to the ancients for inventing the calendar.
It has made my day.
I'm an expert at dating
After all, I work in the calendar factory 12 hours a day
The day after I was diagnosed with Alzheimer's, I lost my calendar.
My life has been pretty uneventful since.
Got myself a Microsoft advent calendar
but I'm worried that once I've opened 3 or 4 windows I won't be able to open any more...
I can never finish anything
so I bought a cyanide advent calendar.
Just got home and found all the doors and windows wide open and everything gone...
What kind of sick person would do this to my Advent calendar?
How did the sailor stranded on an island with a calendar survive a year?
Eating the dates and Sundays.
I don't have a 8am meeting on a Monday
I don't have a 8am meeting on a Monday. My calendar shows an "alternative schedule".
My dad got fired from the local calendar shop
He kept taking days off
Can someone get me a new calendar?
Mayan ended
Calendar puns are the best
They can go on for days, weeks, months, and sometimes even years.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
One time i got really scared because i had been tripping on l**... for 20 days...
Then i looked at my calendar and realized it had only been for 1 hour.
Shoplifters
I was at Target yesterday and LP caught some man lifting a calendar..
..he got 12 months.
Q: What is the worst date you've ever been on?
A: Worst date I've been on was August 13th. Remind me to never stand on a calendar again.
Jealous girlfriend
My girlfriend's jealousy is getting worst by the day..The other day she flew into a rage while looking at my calendar and demanded to know who April and May were.
Which calendar era did Michael Jackson most like to sing about?
A)BC
B)AD
My advent calendar only has days that end in 1,3,5,7,9.
That's odd.
Utah Geologic Survey was advertising landscape calendars for the upcoming holidays...
...and said, "Hurry before they run out!"
What, the national monuments or the calendars?
Why couldn't the calendar eat the whole month?
He had a week stomach
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A man wrote a poem about a calendar to s**... a girl.
He was later charged with date rap.
Two robbers broke into the Smithsonian today and stole an ancient Greek calendar.
They both got 6 months.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
How did the guy who touched the 2018 calendar get electrocuted.
.
.
.
.
Cause it was the **"current"** year.
¯\\\_(ツ)\_/¯
I can't believe that the pre-gregorian calendar didn't account for the hour that we just gained
How times have changed.
I love my calendar!
We go out on so many dates each month!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Two idiots stole a calendar from a fancy hotel
Each got 6 months.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Do you know why some think of calendars as s**...?
There's always a new date the next day.
Did you hear about the two thieves who stole a calendar?
They each got six months.
(Reposted because I'm an idiot and don't know how to do math)
Does Britain have the 4th of July?
Or do the calendars just go July 3rd, July 5th, July 6th?
A calendar gets diagnosed with terminal cancer...
Poignant and pensive, he says, "I suppose my days are numbered."
Why did the firefighter remove the calendar from a burning house?
To save the date!
Everyone is upset that Chick-fil-A is ditching their calendar,
but we all knew its days were numbered.
I won a lifetime supply of calendars!
But so far they've only sent me two and a half.
Someone stole my calendar. Bad news for them...
They have to attend my mother-in-law's party next weekend.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
For the upcoming new year I made a raunchy calendar involving buff, handsome men from the mines. I was arrested by the police.
For s**... or suggestive content involving Miners.
My calendar has all the dates rubbed off.
Now whenever I cross one of the boxes my roommate thinks I'm playing Tic-Tac-Toe with him.
Why is Stevie wonders calendar like meeting people on tinder?
It's all blind dates...
Me and my brother stole a calendar
We each got six months.
Mary and Joseph talking
Mary: Oh no my period is late
Joseph: Oh no how late
Mary: I dunno, what's the date
Joseph: hmm, according to the calendar it's 9 months BC
Mary: 9 months what now
Ooh, you evil calendar.
Your days are numbered.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A work week is so rough that
after Monday and Tuesday, even the calendar says w**....
I recently got a death threat from my calendar
It said that my days were numbered
I don't know what animal the year 2020 is in the Chinese calendar
but I'm pretty sure it has rabies.
What's a calendar's favorite treat?
Dates!
(My first time posting here, but I was snacking on dates and this came to my mind)