Calculator Jokes

I think my calculator is broken...

The only numbers that seem to work are 1, 3, 5, 7, and 9. It's very odd.

I was trying to solve an equation when I realised that the minus button on my calculator was broken...

On the plus side, it still worked.

An engineer, chef, and a mathematician go out drinking

To their favorite bar and grill. Well they're having some drinks and laughing when a fire starts behind the bar.
Seeing the staff panicking, the engineer quickly calculates exactly how much water he'll need to put it out and runs in the back for a bucket.
The chef, from his own experience can tell its a grease fire so he runs in back to find salt.
The Mathematician looks at his friends, then to the fire. Upon realizing there is a solution, he promptly continues drinking.

A physicist, a biologist and a statistician go hunting.

They are hiding together in the bushes and they see a deer 70ft ahead of them. The physicist makes some calculations, aims and fires at the deer. His shot ends up 5ft to the left of the deer. The biologist analyzes the deer's movement, aims and fires. His shot ends up 5ft to the right of the deer. The statistician drops his rifle and happily shouts, "WE GOT IT!!"

How do you say goodbye to a calculus teacher?

Calculator!

My friend walks round with a broken calculator...

There's just something about him that doesn't add up.

A guy once told me that his favorite pastime was calculating averages.

I asked him, "What do you mean?"

How do they calculate global warming?

Al-gore-ythms

Pakistani math problem.

Ahmed has 3 lunch boxes.
He gives one to Mohammed and another to Hassan. Calculate the radius of the e**....

My girl said she need distance and time

Still dont know what she's trying to calculate the velocity of...

A Physicist, an engineer, and a mathematician are all locked in separate burning buildings

The Physicist runs to a chalkboard, calculates exactly how much water he will need to put out the fire, runs and finds that amount, puts out the fire, and survives.
The engineer pulls out a calculater, calculates exactly how much water he will need to put out the fire, runs and finds 10 times that amount, puts out the fire, and survives.
The mathematician runs to a chalkbaord, calculates exactly how much water he will need to put out the fire, declares, "There IS a solution!", and then burns to death.

What mathematical operation is used to calculate the rate at which lumberjacks cut wood?

Logger-rhythms.

"It's what's on the inside that counts" I told my ugly daughter

As I tried to explain to her how a calculator works.
She's also s**....

Being a Calculator must be a huge responsibility...

everyone is counting on them.

s**... burns 300 calories an hour.

After doing some extensive calculations, this year I burned roughly 5 calories.

A girl bangs a calculator on the desk to make it work

Math teacher: why are you making noise
Girl: my calculator isn't working so I'm b**... it to make it work
Math teacher: the calculator's gonna break, how would you like it if i banged you on the table
Whole class: HAHAHAHAHHAHAHA

A biologist, a physicist and a mathematician were monitoring a house...

They saw one person walk in, but several months later they saw two walk out.
The biologist said: "They must've reproduced!"
The physicist said: "It must be a calculation error"
The mathematician said: "If one more walks in, the house will be empty"

i watched my classmate m**... our professor with a calculator

it was graphic

Calculators are reliable.

You can always count on them.

Working at a factory making huge calculator b**... isn't exactly my dreamjob, but at least my only task is to fabricate one kind of button.

That's a big plus.

An engineer, a lawyer and an accountant are at a job interview

The interviewer asked, what's 1 + 1.
The engineer draws up a plan and does some measurements and says. It appears that 1 + 1 is 2 .
The lawyer takes out his law book, checks all the rules then says according to the law, 1 + 1 is 2 .
The accountant takes out his book and calculator. Does a few calculations then whispers to the interviewer, What do you want the number to be?

My girlfriend told me she needed some time and distance…

I think she wants to calculate velocity…

Because hippos are surprisingly dangerous, zoologists use the Pythagorean theorem to calculate the length of their backs.

This is called finding the hippotenuse.

A physicist, engineer and a statistician are out hunting...

A physicist, engineer and a statistician are out hunting. Suddenly, a deer appears 50 yards away.
The physicist does some basic ballistic calculations, assuming a vacuum, lifts his rifle to a specific angle, and shoots. The bullet lands 5 yards short.
The engineer adds a fudge factor for air resistance, lifts his rifle slightly higher, and shoots. The bullet lands 5 yards long.
The statistician yells "We got him!"

A guy carrying a backpack gets stopped by the police on suspicion of terrorism..

The police officer asks him to let him check his backpack. The guy obliges. In his backpack, the officer finds some textbooks, a calculator, a compass and a ruler.
"Aha!", shouts the policeman, "as I suspected. You are under arrest!"
"But why?" the guy protests.
"You have been caught in procession of weapons of math instruction!"

A journalist asked Tim Cook why iPhones are so expensive

"Well", said Tim Cook, "that's because the iPhone replaces a whole bunch of devices. A phone, a camera, a watch, a music player, a video player, a PDA, a voice recorder, a GPS navigator, a flashlight, a calculator, a portable gaming console, and many other things. Surely, a high price is worth paying to replace so many devices!"
​
"Then why are Androids so much cheaper?", asked the journalist.
​
"Because," said Tim Cook, "an Android replaces just one device. The iPhone."

A mathematician, a physicist and an engineer are tasked with finding the volume of a rubber ball

The mathematician takes the ball, measures its diameter, then calculates the volume.
The physicist submerges the ball in water and measures the amount of water displaced.
The engineer twists and turns the ball, looking for the model number.

Oldie but goodie

During a job interview, the interviewer asked me if I had any impressive qualities? I said, "Yes, I'm very fast with math!" Suspicious he asked me to prove it. He told me to solve 327x49. I said 34,567! He pulled out his calculator and put it in. With a confused look on his face he says, "That's not even close!" I said, "Yeah, but it was fast though!"
No idea where the original came from but this one gets me every time.

An engineer and an anti-vaxxer were walking through the woods.

An engineer and an anti-vaxxer were walking through the woods when they came upon a bridge across a crocodile infested river.
The anti-vaxxer asked the engineer "What are the odds of us making it across that bridge safely?" The engineer took out his calculator and his tape measure, did a structural analysis and said "99.97% chance we'll make it across that bridge safely.
The anti-vaxxer responded, without even thinking "Forget that, I'm swimming!"

Graphing calculators cannot be trusted.

Theyre plotting something, I can feel it.

An anti-vaxxer and an engineer are crossing a bridge over a crocodile-infested river

The anti-vaxxer asks "What are the odds of us making it across the bridge safely?"
The engineer replies "After a careful structural analysis, I calculate a 99.7% chance of crossing this bridge safely."
The anti-vaxxer then says "Forget it, I'll swim."

An engineer, a physicist and a statiscian go hunting in the woods.

They spot a deer and take turns shooting at it. First goes the physicist. He look at the angle, calculates the speed of the bullet and shoots but his shot goes 50 meters to the right. The engineer says he didn't count for the wind and he also makes his measurement and shots but his shot goes 50 meters to the left. Then the statiscian yells hapilly: We did it!

An engineer and an anti-vaxxer were walking through the woods.

An engineer and an anti-vaxxer were walking through the woods when they came upon a bridge across a crocodile infested river.
The anti-vaxxer asked the engineer "What are the odds of us making it across that bridge safely?" The engineer took out his calculator and his tape measure, did a structural analysis and said "There is a 99.97% chance we'll make it across that bridge safely.
The anti-vaxxer responded, without even thinking "Forget that, I'm swimming!"

Breaking News

At Miami International Airport today, an individual, later discovered to be a public school teacher, was arrested trying to board a flight while in possession of a compass, a protractor, and a graphical calculator.
Authorities believe he is a member of the notorious Al-Gebra movement which has struck t**... into the lives of many for generations. He is being charged with carrying weapons of math instruction.

t**...

At New York's Kennedy Airport today, an individual later discovered to be a public school teacher was arrested trying to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a set square and a calculator. Authorities believe he is a member of the notorious al-Gebra movement. He is being charged with carrying weapons of math instruction.

After calculations I found out that my wedding will cost $50k

Now all I need is $50k
and a wife

100 is a nice round number

The European is visiting the United States for the first time: So how many cents in a dollar?
The American: 100, of course
The European: 100? Why not 62, or 37?
The American: 62? What are you talking about? It's 100. Of course, it is. It's a nice round number and easy to calculate. 62? You crazy Europeans.
The European: Right, gotcha. Thank you! So how many feet in a mile?
The American: Go back to Europe!

Scientists have today discovered that dark matter actually does not exist.

The source of the unknown mass in the galaxy was never dark matter, but the result of a calculation mistake.
The scientists admit that they forgot to include your mother in the calculations, and therefor the last (approximately) 80% of the mass in the Milky Way has finally been discovered.

Just found out that I can't use a calculator for my exam

I was really counting on that

A physicist, an engineer, and a statistician go hunting...

The three see a buck a little distance away.
The physicist makes a quick, back-of-the-envelope calculation, assuming an ideal bullet and neglecting wind resistance, and then fires. The bullet lands 10 meters in front of the buck.
The engineer has been doing his own calculations, adding in wind resistance and adding a fudge factor to include wind variations, Coriolis forces, and other, unknown variables. He fires, and the round lands 10 meters behind the buck.
The statistician jumps up and yells, "We got him!"

ChatGPT's favorite game is Minesweeper, it can calculate all the probabilities in seconds!

I bet the ChatGPT servers are too busy trying to calculate the meaning of life to respond quickly.

What's a simple method for calculating the number of bees in a beehive?

Easy. Just count all their legs and divide by six.

A biologist, a physicist and a statistician go hunting and they see a deer 70 feet in front of them.

The biologist calculates the deer's movement and shoots 5 feet to the left of the deer because he forgot to calculate the speed of the wind..
The physicist calculates the speed of the wind and shoots 5 feet to the right of the deer because he didn't calculate the deer's movement.
The statistician then shouts, "We've got it!"