Calculator Jokes

I think my calculator is broken...

The only numbers that seem to work are 1, 3, 5, 7, and 9. It's very odd.

I was trying to solve an equation when I realised that the minus button on my calculator was broken...

On the plus side, it still worked.

An engineer, chef, and a mathematician go out drinking

To their favorite bar and grill. Well they're having some drinks and laughing when a fire starts behind the bar.
Seeing the staff panicking, the engineer quickly calculates exactly how much water he'll need to put it out and runs in the back for a bucket.
The chef, from his own experience can tell its a grease fire so he runs in back to find salt.
The Mathematician looks at his friends, then to the fire. Upon realizing there is a solution, he promptly continues drinking.

How do you say goodbye to a calculus teacher?

Calculator!

My friend walks round with a broken calculator...

There's just something about him that doesn't add up.

How do they calculate global warming?

Al-gore-ythms

A Physicist, an engineer, and a mathematician are all locked in separate burning buildings

The Physicist runs to a chalkboard, calculates exactly how much water he will need to put out the fire, runs and finds that amount, puts out the fire, and survives.
The engineer pulls out a calculater, calculates exactly how much water he will need to put out the fire, runs and finds 10 times that amount, puts out the fire, and survives.
The mathematician runs to a chalkbaord, calculates exactly how much water he will need to put out the fire, declares, "There IS a solution!", and then burns to death.

What mathematical operation is used to calculate the rate at which lumberjacks cut wood?

Logger-rhythms.

Calculated the angle in the triangle to be 45 degrees

I think that's about half right

Being a Calculator must be a huge responsibility...

everyone is counting on them.

Why couldn't the blonde add 10 + 5 on a calculator?

- She couldn't find the "10" button.

Joke my physics teacher told us

A farmer has a bunch of chickens who aren't laying eggs. Puzzled, he enlists the help of a physicist to try and work out the problem. The physicist went away and did his calculations, then came back a week later.
'I have a solution to your problem, but...' the physicist said.
'But what?' Said the farmer.
'It only works for circular chickens in a vacuum.'

An engineer, a lawyer and an accountant are at a job interview

The interviewer asked, what's 1 + 1.
The engineer draws up a plan and does some measurements and says. It appears that 1 + 1 is 2 .
The lawyer takes out his law book, checks all the rules then says according to the law, 1 + 1 is 2 .
The accountant takes out his book and calculator. Does a few calculations then whispers to the interviewer, What do you want the number to be?

A man goes to an interview for an accountant firm

In this company, you need to be able to calculate fast without calculator
I'll give it a try. Test me
What is 35 x 47?
The man answers quickly 476
That's not even close
Yeah but thats fast

Man: Hi when do you use that calculator?

2nd Man: Oh, only on special equations.....

Because hippos are surprisingly dangerous, zoologists use the Pythagorean theorem to calculate the length of their backs.

This is called finding the hippotenuse.

A guy carrying a backpack gets stopped by the police on suspicion of terrorism..

The police officer asks him to let him check his backpack. The guy obliges. In his backpack, the officer finds some textbooks, a calculator, a compass and a ruler.
"Aha!", shouts the policeman, "as I suspected. You are under arrest!"
"But why?" the guy protests.
"You have been caught in procession of weapons of math instruction!"

A journalist asked Tim Cook why iPhones are so expensive

"Well", said Tim Cook, "that's because the iPhone replaces a whole bunch of devices. A phone, a camera, a watch, a music player, a video player, a PDA, a voice recorder, a GPS navigator, a flashlight, a calculator, a portable gaming console, and many other things. Surely, a high price is worth paying to replace so many devices!"
​
"Then why are Androids so much cheaper?", asked the journalist.
​
"Because," said Tim Cook, "an Android replaces just one device. The iPhone."

A mathematician, a physicist and an engineer are tasked with finding the volume of a rubber ball

The mathematician takes the ball, measures its diameter, then calculates the volume.
The physicist submerges the ball in water and measures the amount of water displaced.
The engineer twists and turns the ball, looking for the model number.

My dad worked for years as an actuary.

Back in the 1970s he travelled a lot for his work. This was during the time when hijackings, bombings and stuff like that weren't too uncommon.
Being a statistician, he sat down one day and calculated the odds that a bomb would be on a plane that he was on. Turns out, he didn't like the odds.... so the very next day he starting carrying a bomb with him on every plane that he boarded.
Cause he figured, what are the chances that *two* bombs would be on the same plane...

Oldie but goodie

During a job interview, the interviewer asked me if I had any impressive qualities? I said, "Yes, I'm very fast with math!" Suspicious he asked me to prove it. He told me to solve 327x49. I said 34,567! He pulled out his calculator and put it in. With a confused look on his face he says, "That's not even close!" I said, "Yeah, but it was fast though!"
No idea where the original came from but this one gets me every time.

An engineer and an anti-vaxxer were walking through the woods.

An engineer and an anti-vaxxer were walking through the woods when they came upon a bridge across a crocodile infested river.
The anti-vaxxer asked the engineer "What are the odds of us making it across that bridge safely?" The engineer took out his calculator and his tape measure, did a structural analysis and said "99.97% chance we'll make it across that bridge safely.
The anti-vaxxer responded, without even thinking "Forget that, I'm swimming!"

Graphing calculators cannot be trusted.

Theyre plotting something, I can feel it.

An engineer and an anti-vaxxer were walking through the woods.

An engineer and an anti-vaxxer were walking through the woods when they came upon a bridge across a crocodile infested river.
The anti-vaxxer asked the engineer "What are the odds of us making it across that bridge safely?" The engineer took out his calculator and his tape measure, did a structural analysis and said "There is a 99.97% chance we'll make it across that bridge safely.
The anti-vaxxer responded, without even thinking "Forget that, I'm swimming!"

What's the opposite of a calculator?

A calcunow

A Physicist, and Engineer, and a Statistician...

are attempting to fire a cannon at a target 100 meters away. The physicist takes the lead, and performs numerous calculations to determine the cannonball's trajectory. He carefully aims the cannon and fires, coming short by 10 meters. The engineer, accounting for real world tolerances and imperfections, then performs his own calculations. After carefully aiming the cannon and firing, he overshoots by 10 meters.
The statistician then begins shouting with glee that they hit the target.

After calculations I found out that my wedding will cost $50k

Now all I need is $50k
and a wife

A new study shown that 1l of beer cuts life for 5 hours

By my calculations, i died in 1872

Scientists have today discovered that dark matter actually does not exist.

The source of the unknown mass in the galaxy was never dark matter, but the result of a calculation mistake.
The scientists admit that they forgot to include your mother in the calculations, and therefor the last (approximately) 80% of the mass in the Milky Way has finally been discovered.

Just found out that I can't use a calculator for my exam

I was really counting on that

A physicist, an engineer, and a statistician go hunting...

The three see a buck a little distance away.
The physicist makes a quick, back-of-the-envelope calculation, assuming an ideal bullet and neglecting wind resistance, and then fires. The bullet lands 10 meters in front of the buck.
The engineer has been doing his own calculations, adding in wind resistance and adding a fudge factor to include wind variations, Coriolis forces, and other, unknown variables. He fires, and the round lands 10 meters behind the buck.
The statistician jumps up and yells, "We got him!"

ChatGPT's favorite game is Minesweeper, it can calculate all the probabilities in seconds!

I bet the ChatGPT servers are too busy trying to calculate the meaning of life to respond quickly.

What's a simple method for calculating the number of bees in a beehive?

Easy. Just count all their legs and divide by six.

A biologist, a physicist and a statistician go hunting and they see a deer 70 feet in front of them.

The biologist calculates the deer's movement and shoots 5 feet to the left of the deer because he forgot to calculate the speed of the wind..
The physicist calculates the speed of the wind and shoots 5 feet to the right of the deer because he didn't calculate the deer's movement.
The statistician then shouts, "We've got it!"

Why do mathematicians love the winter solstice? It has the longest night of the year, perfect for their calculations.