The Best 21 Calculations Jokes
Following is our collection of funny Calculations jokes. There are some calculations calculator jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud.
Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these calculations physicist puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.
Top 10 of the Funniest Calculations Jokes and Puns
According to my calculations, about 40% of Americans are Republicans
But that's just a Conservative estimate
Apparently, drinking a pint of beer shortens your lifespan by nine minutes.
According to my calculations I died some time in 1829.
A physicist, a biologist and a statistician go hunting.
They are hiding together in the bushes and they see a deer 70ft ahead of them. The physicist makes some calculations, aims and fires at the deer. His shot ends up 5ft to the left of the deer. The biologist analyzes the deer's movement, aims and fires. His shot ends up 5ft to the right of the deer. The statistician drops his rifle and happily shouts, "WE GOT IT!!"
A lawyer dies and goes to heaven . . .
"There must be some mistake," the lawyer argues. "I'm too young to die. I'm only 49."
"49?" says St. Peter. "No, according to our calculations, you're 83."
"How did you figure that?" the lawyer asks.
"We added up your time sheets," answered St. Peter.
A physicist, engineer and a statistician are out hunting...
A physicist, engineer and a statistician are out hunting. Suddenly, a deer appears 50 yards away.
The physicist does some basic ballistic calculations, assuming a vacuum, lifts his rifle to a specific angle, and shoots. The bullet lands 5 yards short.
The engineer adds a fudge factor for air resistance, lifts his rifle slightly higher, and shoots. The bullet lands 5 yards long.
The statistician yells "We got him!"
An engineer, a lawyer and an accountant are at a job interview
The interviewer asked, what's 1 + 1.
The engineer draws up a plan and does some measurements and says. It appears that 1 + 1 is 2 .
The lawyer takes out his law book, checks all the rules then says according to the law, 1 + 1 is 2 .
The accountant takes out his book and calculator. Does a few calculations then whispers to the interviewer, What do you want the number to be?
Sex burns 300 calories an hour.
After doing some extensive calculations, this year I burned roughly 5 calories.
Joke my physics teacher told us
A farmer has a bunch of chickens who aren't laying eggs. Puzzled, he enlists the help of a physicist to try and work out the problem. The physicist went away and did his calculations, then came back a week later.
'I have a solution to your problem, but...' the physicist said.
'But what?' Said the farmer.
'It only works for circular chickens in a vacuum.'
A lawyer dies and ends up in hell.
There must be some mistake, the lawyer argues. I'm too young to die. I'm only 42 years old!
Just 42? That doesn't sound right. says Satan.
The lawyer says, "Thank you so much, this must be some kind of mix up."
"Ah, here we have it," says Satan. "According to our calculations you're 97 years old."
"Where did you get that number from?" asks the lawyer.
Satan says, "We added up your time sheets."
I've done some calculations, and I figure, that at my current rate of pay I could live happily for the rest of my life.
If I died tomorrow.
A mathematician, a physicist, and a statistician all go hunting.
After sitting quietly on a hillside for a few hours, they spot a buck in the field below.
The mathematician measures up his shot and does some rough calculations on bullet drop, then fires. He misses about 5 feet to the left.
The physicist says "you forgot to account for wind!" He lines up his shot, and over-corrects, missing by about 5 feet to the right.
They both look over at the statistician, who proclaims: "We hit him!"
You can explore calculations notepad reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean calculations arithmetic dad jokes. There are also calculations puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.
I am a master of fast calculations.
I am a master of fast calculations.
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OK, what is 758 time 642 divided by 5?
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22!
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Ha ha, that's wrong!
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Might be, but it was fast!
What do Chinese food and entropy calculations have in common?
they both feature some dim sums
A physicist, mathematician, and engineer go to target practice
The engineer is up first and hits 5 inches to the right of the bullseye. The physicist says, "No no no, you forgot to account for the curvature of the Earth and the wind." The physicist does his calculations, but misses 5 inches to the left of center. The mathematician yells: "BULLSEYE! Great job guys!!"
Interviewer: It says here on your resume that you're extremely fast at calculations. What is 25 x 14?
Candidate : 39!
Interviewer: What? That's not even close!
Candidate : Yeah, but it was quick!
Scientists have discovered a new species of moss that can perform arithmetic calculations.
They do this using algae-rhythms.
Super Computer
There a new super computer that can compute over 2 billion calculations per second. That means that an event can be fired almost as quickly as a member of the Trump administration.
Wolfram-Alpha was recently shut down because of a flood of calculations that didn't make any sense at all being submitted at once.
It was quite a cheeky NaNDDoS.
If my calculations are correct, when this baby hits 88 mph...
...you're going to get a speeding ticket.
Math Joke
Me: Hey are you good at math?
Friend: No....
Me: My calculations tell me that's incorrect.
Whenever you drink a beer you shorten your lifespan by 9 minutes
I've done the calculations. I died in 1623.
Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the calculations mathematician jokes and puns are jokes supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, are mean or racist, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become bullying and inappropriate.
We suggest to use only working calculations engineer piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.