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Calculate Jokes

60 calculate jokes and hilarious calculate puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about calculate that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

Funniest Calculate Short Jokes

Short calculate jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The calculate humour may include short calculations jokes also.

  1. My boss calls me "The computer" Not because of my calculation skills but because I go to sleep when left unattended for 15 minutes.
  2. My girlfriend and I had a fight and she asked me for distance and time, But for the life of me, i cant figure out why she wants to calculate velocity
  3. According to my calculations, about 40% of Americans are Republicans But that's just a Conservative estimate
  4. A man downloaded a calculator app, but needed to pay extra to unlock the plus button He had to pay in order to use additional features
  5. 39 digits of pi accurately calculates the circumference of the universe to the width of a hydrogen atom Scientists still can't determine how much is needed for your mother though
  6. Apparently, drinking a pint of beer shortens your lifespan by nine minutes. According to my calculations I died some time in 1829.
  7. Apparently, when you drink a pint of Beer You shorten your lifespan by 9 minutes. So according to my calculations, i died sometime in 1644.
  8. Why is it impossible for a flat Earther calculate the volume of the Earth? Because there is always a rounding error.
  9. I thought about getting a pocket calculator... ...but then I realized I don't care how many pockets I have.
  10. Growing up we didn't have a lot of money. I had to use a hand-me-down calculator with no multiplication symbol on it. Times were tough

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Calculate One Liners

Which calculate one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with calculate? I can suggest the ones about maths calculation and measure.

  1. What do you call an engineer who doesn't know how to use a calculator? A project manager.
  2. What is faster than a calculator? A Calcu-now.
  3. I've calculated the name for the next Fast & Furious movie... fast 10: Your Seatbelts
  4. Calculators May Be Ugly On The Outside But Its What's On The Inside That Counts.
  5. My girlfriend said she needs time and distance... Is she trying to calculate velocity?
  6. What works faster than a calculator? A calcunow
  7. When a woman asks for some time, and some space... ... she's trying to calculate speed
  8. My graphing calculator works really well... Some would say it functions perfectly.
  9. Why did mike tyson bring his calculator to church? He was invited to thunday math.
  10. Anyone have any good math jokes? [META] Right now I'm busy calculating sum.
  11. Calculators are useless What I need is a calcunow
  12. What do you get if you cross a dog and a calculator? A friend you can count on.
  13. My calculator stopped working and I don't know why... It just doesn't add up.
  14. What kind of instrument do Texans play? Calculators.
  15. Why is the calculator a man's best friend? Because you can always count on it.

Calculate joke, Why is the calculator a man's best friend?

Uplifting Calculate Jokes to have Hilarious Fun with Friends

What funny jokes about calculate you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean formula jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make calculate pranks.

I think my calculator is broken...

The only numbers that seem to work are 1, 3, 5, 7, and 9. It's very odd.

An engineer, chef, and a mathematician go out drinking

To their favorite bar and grill. Well they're having some drinks and laughing when a fire starts behind the bar.
Seeing the staff panicking, the engineer quickly calculates exactly how much water he'll need to put it out and runs in the back for a bucket.
The chef, from his own experience can tell its a grease fire so he runs in back to find salt.
The Mathematician looks at his friends, then to the fire. Upon realizing there is a solution, he promptly continues drinking.

A physicist, a biologist and a statistician go hunting.

They are hiding together in the bushes and they see a deer 70ft ahead of them. The physicist makes some calculations, aims and fires at the deer. His shot ends up 5ft to the left of the deer. The biologist analyzes the deer's movement, aims and fires. His shot ends up 5ft to the right of the deer. The statistician drops his rifle and happily shouts, "WE GOT IT!!"

A lawyer dies and goes to heaven . . .

"There must be some mistake," the lawyer argues. "I'm too young to die. I'm only 49."
"49?" says St. Peter. "No, according to our calculations, you're 83."
"How did you figure that?" the lawyer asks.
"We added up your time sheets," answered St. Peter.

A guy once told me that his favorite pastime was calculating averages.

I asked him, "What do you mean?"

I thought about buying a pocket calculator

and then I thought who care how many pockets I have

Pakistani math problem.

Ahmed has 3 lunch boxes.
He gives one to Mohammed and another to Hassan. Calculate the radius of the e**....

A Physicist, an engineer, and a mathematician are all locked in separate burning buildings

The Physicist runs to a chalkboard, calculates exactly how much water he will need to put out the fire, runs and finds that amount, puts out the fire, and survives.
The engineer pulls out a calculater, calculates exactly how much water he will need to put out the fire, runs and finds 10 times that amount, puts out the fire, and survives.
The mathematician runs to a chalkbaord, calculates exactly how much water he will need to put out the fire, declares, "There IS a solution!", and then burns to death.

"It's what's on the inside that counts" I told my ugly daughter

As I tried to explain to her how a calculator works.
She's also s**....

i watched my classmate m**... our professor with a calculator

it was graphic

Working at a factory making huge calculator b**... isn't exactly my dreamjob, but at least my only task is to fabricate one kind of button.

That's a big plus.

My girlfriend and I broke up today

Her: "I just need time."
Me: "Okay. Yeah, I understand."
Her: "And distance, as well."
Me: "Fine. But can I ask you one last question?"
Her: "Go ahead."
Me: "What are you calculating the velocity of, anyway?"

A physicist, engineer and a statistician are out hunting...

A physicist, engineer and a statistician are out hunting. Suddenly, a deer appears 50 yards away.
The physicist does some basic ballistic calculations, assuming a vacuum, lifts his rifle to a specific angle, and shoots. The bullet lands 5 yards short.
The engineer adds a fudge factor for air resistance, lifts his rifle slightly higher, and shoots. The bullet lands 5 yards long.
The statistician yells "We got him!"

A mathematician, a physicist and an engineer are tasked with finding the volume of a rubber ball

The mathematician takes the ball, measures its diameter, then calculates the volume.
The physicist submerges the ball in water and measures the amount of water displaced.
The engineer twists and turns the ball, looking for the model number.

An engineer and an anti-vaxxer were walking through the woods.

An engineer and an anti-vaxxer were walking through the woods when they came upon a bridge across a crocodile infested river.
The anti-vaxxer asked the engineer "What are the odds of us making it across that bridge safely?" The engineer took out his calculator and his tape measure, did a structural analysis and said "99.97% chance we'll make it across that bridge safely.
The anti-vaxxer responded, without even thinking "Forget that, I'm swimming!"

An anti-vaxxer and an engineer are crossing a bridge over a crocodile-infested river

The anti-vaxxer asks "What are the odds of us making it across the bridge safely?"
The engineer replies "After a careful structural analysis, I calculate a 99.7% chance of crossing this bridge safely."
The anti-vaxxer then says "Forget it, I'll swim."

An engineer and an anti-vaxxer were walking through the woods.

An engineer and an anti-vaxxer were walking through the woods when they came upon a bridge across a crocodile infested river.
The anti-vaxxer asked the engineer "What are the odds of us making it across that bridge safely?" The engineer took out his calculator and his tape measure, did a structural analysis and said "There is a 99.97% chance we'll make it across that bridge safely.
The anti-vaxxer responded, without even thinking "Forget that, I'm swimming!"

t**...

At New York's Kennedy Airport today, an individual later discovered to be a public school teacher was arrested trying to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a set square and a calculator. Authorities believe he is a member of the notorious al-Gebra movement. He is being charged with carrying weapons of math instruction.

100 is a nice round number

The European is visiting the United States for the first time: So how many cents in a dollar?
The American: 100, of course
The European: 100? Why not 62, or 37?
The American: 62? What are you talking about? It's 100. Of course, it is. It's a nice round number and easy to calculate. 62? You crazy Europeans.
The European: Right, gotcha. Thank you! So how many feet in a mile?
The American: Go back to Europe!

A physicist, an engineer, and a statistician go hunting...

The three see a buck a little distance away.
The physicist makes a quick, back-of-the-envelope calculation, assuming an ideal bullet and neglecting wind resistance, and then fires. The bullet lands 10 meters in front of the buck.
The engineer has been doing his own calculations, adding in wind resistance and adding a fudge factor to include wind variations, Coriolis forces, and other, unknown variables. He fires, and the round lands 10 meters behind the buck.
The statistician jumps up and yells, "We got him!"

Why did ChatGPT's mom always ask it to solve math problems? Because it was good at calculating attention!

I bet the ChatGPT servers are too busy trying to calculate the meaning of life to respond quickly.

What's a simple method for calculating the number of bees in a beehive?

Easy. Just count all their legs and divide by six.

A biologist, a physicist and a statistician go hunting and they see a deer 70 feet in front of them.

The biologist calculates the deer's movement and shoots 5 feet to the left of the deer because he forgot to calculate the speed of the wind..
The physicist calculates the speed of the wind and shoots 5 feet to the right of the deer because he didn't calculate the deer's movement.
The statistician then shouts, "We've got it!"

Why do mathematicians love the winter solstice? It has the longest night of the year, perfect for their calculations.

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