## Uplifting Calculate Jokes to have Hilarious Fun with Friends

### [garden of eden]

**Snake:** Pssst! want an apple?

**Eve:** No thanks, I do not sin.

**Snake:** What's the length of the opposite side of a 30° right triangle with a hypotenuse of 20?

**Eve:** 10

**Snake:** Thanksss

**Adam:** How did you calculate that?

**Eve:** Oh no.

### What would you get if you calculated the rate at which approx. 350 tonnes would fall from approx. 30,000 feet?

The live-action remake of Up.

### I'm really glad I'm taking physics...

...because although my grade falling, at least I can calculate it's velocity.

### Shame to admit, my german grandpa told me this joke

How do you calculate the escape route of a jew?

Chimney Height * Strength of wind

### A mathematician goes to a confession booth...

He says to the priest: 'Father, I have a sin to confess'

The priest says: 'Don't worry, tell me and the lord will see if he can forgive you'

The mathematician says: 'I used the opposite side instead of the adjacent to calculate cos.'

### My Girlfriend is doing majors in Physics

Yesterday she texted me she needs time and distance.

I dont even know why she wants to calculate the velocity

### How do they calculate global warming?

Al-gore-ythms

### Jihadi math university question: Ahmed has 3 lunch boxes. He gives one to Mohammed and another to Hassan.

Calculate the area it will cover after the e**....

### ISIS math problem

Ahmed has 5 bags. If he gives 2 to Mohamed and 1 to Jamal. Then calculate the radius of the blast.

### Pakistani math problem.

Ahmed has 3 lunch boxes.

He gives one to Mohammed and another to Hassan. Calculate the radius of the e**....

### Why couldn't Obi-Wan calculate the volume of Bespin from the ideal gas law?

Only a Sith deals in absolutes

You can explore calculate function reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean calculate accelerate dad jokes. There are also calculate puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.

### My girl said she need distance and time

Still dont know what she's trying to calculate the velocity of...

### How do you calculate the length of rosemary?

Sprigonometry

### Mahmoud has 9 apples. Ahmed has 11 apples.

Calculate the radius of the e**...

(Note: stole this from Yik Yak)

### My girlfriend and I had a fight and she asked me for distance and time,

But for the life of me, i cant figure out why she wants to calculate velocity

### What mathematical operation is used to calculate the rate at which lumberjacks cut wood?

Logger-rhythms.

### My girlfriend got mad and said she need some time and distance as she left the house crying...

I still don't get it why she wants to calculate the velocity

### When a woman asks for some time, and some space...

... she's trying to calculate speed

### Calculated the angle in the triangle to be 45 degrees

I think that's about half right

### One Day Mr. James Went To A Clothing Store And Said To The Sales Girl,

Mr. James: My Wife Needs A Pair Of Jeans. But I Don't Remember Her Waist Size.

Sales Girl: You Can Touch My Waist And Try To Calculate.

Mr. James: Oh I Forgot. She Also Needs A Bra.

### I've finally created a field of math which can calculate the degree to which Donald Trump is compounding his problems...

Cuckulus

### What do you say Everytime maths wants you to calculate value of his X

Dear Maths, I'm sick & tired of finding your 'X' she's gone dude and don't ask 'Y'

### Calculate the volume of a thick crust pizza with height "a" and radius "z".

pizza

### I can never calculate the derivative of a curve.

Every time I try, I go off on a tangent.

### Friend: Whats wrong?

Me: I can't remember how to calculate sine

Friend: ah

Me: No that's cosine

Friend: oh

Me: Right, thanks!

### My girlfriend said she needs time and distance...

Is she trying to calculate velocity?

### My gf just told me that she needed some space and time

I think she wants to calculate velocity.

### i calculated my BMI recently, and i realised i need to

gain several inches

### Why couldn't Luke calculate Abs(-1)?

Only a sith deals in absolutes.

### How do pimps calculate their finances?

They use QuickieBooks

### What do you use to calculate a cow?

What do you use to calculate a cow?

Me: a cowculator

### I've calculated the name for the next Fast & Furious movie...

Fast 10: Your Seatbelts

### Pakistani Maths Problems are like really really complex

Abdul has 3 lunch boxes.

He gives one to Rafiq and another to Hassan.

Calculate the radius of the e**....

### I was trying to calculate work...

But I just got mad.

### My girlfriend told me she needed some time and distance…

I think she wants to calculate velocity…

### How do you calculate the weight of a dragon?

Depends on the scales.

### A man was trying to calculate when the sun would rise...

.... and then it dawned on him.

### Today my girlfriend told me she needed time and distance...

"Well...," a friend replies, "...I'm going to be honest with you: you should take advantage of that, she's not for you. She is seeing other guys, she even had an affair with me, your best friend! I'm glad she said that. How did she start the conversation?"

The other guy stays speechless for a while. "she... was studying for a test, for physics. She needed random numbers to calculate velocity."

### I would never hire a woman.

Would be way too much trouble to calculate 78% of a normal salary.

### Have you ever calculated how much your wife or girlfriend costs you?

Then consider if it'd be cheaper to just get the occasional h**...?

### A man goes to an interview for an accountant firm

In this company, you need to be able to calculate fast without calculator

I'll give it a try. Test me

What is 35 x 47?

The man answers quickly 476

That's not even close

Yeah but thats fast

### Because hippos are surprisingly dangerous, zoologists use the Pythagorean theorem to calculate the length of their backs.

This is called finding the hippotenuse.

### What do you call a person who uses algebraic equations to calculate coffin sizes?

A mathemortician.

### I don't like teachers who make me calculate with humans.

They commit math genocide on a daily basis.

### Who calculates the price of amphetamines?

A Methematician

### Why is it impossible for a flat Earther calculate the volume of the Earth?

Because there is always a rounding error.

### An anti-vaxxer and an engineer are crossing a bridge over a crocodile-infested river

The anti-vaxxer asks "What are the odds of us making it across the bridge safely?"

The engineer replies "After a careful structural analysis, I calculate a 99.7% chance of crossing this bridge safely."

The anti-vaxxer then says "Forget it, I'll swim."

### Speed

When your SO asks for distance and time, but you don't know what speed she needs to calculate.

### After telling my teenage daughter she has to be home by eleven

Daughter: Why are you so mean!

Me: Well, I consider myself to be above average.

Daughter: What's that mean?

Me: I suppose I could assign each letter a value and then add them up and give you the mean.

Daughter: Are you crazy?

Me: No, that's how you calculate the mean.

Daughter: I don't know what that means.

Me: I don't know yet either, I have to calculate it.

Daughter: Ugh, why do you have to be like this. I'll be home at eleven.

Game, set, match, Dad wins.

### Surface area if a circle, that is ridiculous!

My teacher insists that pi r squared is how to calculate. But everyone knows that Pie are round.

Happy pi day!

### 100 is a nice round number

The European is visiting the United States for the first time: So how many cents in a dollar?

The American: 100, of course

The European: 100? Why not 62, or 37?

The American: 62? What are you talking about? It's 100. Of course, it is. It's a nice round number and easy to calculate. 62? You crazy Europeans.

The European: Right, gotcha. Thank you! So how many feet in a mile?

The American: Go back to Europe!