Cafe Jokes
99 cafe jokes and hilarious cafe puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about cafe that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Discover funny jokes and puns about cafes, restaurants, and wait staff! From the famous Whispering Canyon Cafe to famous the Rainforest Cafe, Hard Rock Cafe, or even the world famous Cafe Au Lait, this article has jokes that will make you laugh out loud. Whether you're ordering a cappuccino or having a beer at the bar, these cafe jokes are sure to hit the spot.
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Funniest Cafe Short Jokes
Short cafe jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The cafe humour may include short coffee shop jokes also.
- The worst part about being a giraffe is having a lot of time to think about your mistakes when you're sinking into quicksand.
Credit. The Joke Cafe - I think the Rainforest Cafe takes the whole rainforest theme too far. This one time I was sitting there eating my chicken tenders and they bulldozed 40% of the restaurant.
- A Canadian walks into a cafe, and the barista asks, "Would you like a latte?" And the Canadian responds to him "Nah, just a bit, eh."
- I ordered some Avocado Toast at a cafe, but imagine my surprise when I was given 602214076000000000000000 pieces of toasts. It was then I realized... ...I'd accidentally ordered Avogadro's Toast.
- 2 old ladies in a cafe Ethel : " Did you come on the bus?"
Doris: "Yes!! but I made it look like an asthma attack. " - One American in Rome, Drinking beer at street cafe when a pretty girl sat beside him. American: Hello, do you understand English?
Girl: only little.
American: How much?
Girl: Fifty dollars. - What do you call it when a waiter at an internet cafe gets your order wrong? 500 Internal Server Error
- I don't get it. When Civet's do it, it's the "smoothest" and "best" coffee. When I do it, it's "disgusting" "depraved" and they shut down my cafe......
- I sat at the cafe today.
No cellphone.
No tablet.
No laptop.
I just sat there.
Drinking coffee.
Like a Psychopath. - I recently went to a cafe that used to be a mortuary... It's not as good now, before people were dying to get in.
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Cafe One Liners
Which cafe one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with cafe? I can suggest the ones about coffee and coffee cup.
- A guy walks into a cafe and orders a coffee to go The coffee gets up and leaves
- Two women are at a cafe, sitting quietly
- I'm going to open an ISIS themed cafe called Allahu Snackbar - our food is the bomb.
- I want to start a cafe and fill it with surrealist paintings. I'll call it Salvador Deli.
- Why did the computer go to a cyber cafe? Because it needed a byte to eat.
- Why does the food take so long at an Internet cafe? Because the servers cannot be found
- Just had lunch at the Pelican Cafe... the food was good but the bill was enormous!
- So there's this Jewish Guy who works at a cafe Hebrews good coffee in the morning 😈
- What's the most popular sandwich at cafes in Jurassic Park? Dr. Hammond cheese
- A Muslim opens a cafe in Hawaii called Aloha Snackbar Business is booming.
- Why did the Cell Tower Cafe get bad reviews? Because the service was horrible.
- I went to an American Cafe today.. ordered an iced hot-chocolate
- Chuck Norris ate once at Hard Rock Cafe.
It's now called Shakey's. - How do you answer a phone in an Indian cafe? Halal?
- A man was in a cafe He took one sip of the coffee, and grimaced.
Gather Around for Heartwarming Cafe Jokes and Uplifting Humor
What funny jokes about cafe you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean java coffee jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make cafe pranks.
Independent Opinion
A man and a women are sitting in a cafe chatting.
The man leans over and quietly asks the woman, "What do you think of that girl sitting just behind you? Do you think she is attractive?"
The woman slowly turns, examines the girl, and responds, "I really don't think so. She is physically fit, but she is not beautiful."
The man says, "Well...I, for one, think she is beautiful."
To which the woman responds, "Well maybe we should ask an apiarist, you know, a bee keeper."
The man asks, "Why on earth would we ask a bee keeper?"
The woman, matter of factly states, "Because beauty is in the eye of the bee holder."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
An Australian man was having coffee...
and toast with butter and jam in a cafe, when an American tourist, chewing gum, sat down next to him.
The Australian politely ignored the American who, nevertheless, started up a conversation. The American snapped the gum in his mouth and said, 'Do you Australian folk eat the whole bread?'
The Australian frowned, annoyed with being bothered during his breakfast, and replied, "yeah, of course."
The American blew a huge bubble. "We don't. In the States we only eat what's inside. The crusts we collect in a container, recycle them, transform them into croissants and sell them to Australia."
The American had a smirk on his face, the Australian listened in silence. The American persisted, "D'ya eat jam with the bread?" Sighing, the Australian replied "yes."
Cracking his gum between his teeth, the American said, "We don't. In the States we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, we put all the peels, seeds and leftovers in containers, recycle them, transform them into jam, and sell it to Australia.
The Australian then asked, "Do you have s**... in the States?" The American smiled and said, "yeah, of course we do." The Australian leant closer to him and asked, "what do you do with the condoms once you've used them?"
"We throw them away of course" replied the American.
Now it was the Australian's turn to smile. "We don't. In Australia, we put them in containers, recycle them, melt them down into chewing gum and sell them to The United States.
I went to an ASDA Cafe for lunch
Yesterday i was shopping in ASDA and decide to have lunch in the Cafe, i ordered a plain burger and chips.
when i got to the counter to pay the woman said,
"A plain burger, that's a bit boring isn't it? are you sure you don't want anything on it?"
to which i replied,
"Oh go on then! i'll have £5 each way..."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Scotsman's Chilli
A hungry bloke
walks into a seedy cafe in Glasgow......
He sits at the counter and
notices a Jock with his arms folded staring
blankly at a bowl of
chilli.
After fifteen minutes of just sitting there staring at it, the
hungry bloke
bravely asks,
"If you aren't going to eat that, mind if I
do?"
The old Jock slowly turns his head toward the young bloke and
says,
"Nah, ye can g**... ahead."
Eagerly, the young bloke reaches
over and slides the bowl over to his place
and starts spooning it in with
delight.
He gets nearly down to the bottom and notices a dead mouse in
the chilli.
The sight was shocking and he immediately pukes up the chilli
back into the bowl.
The old Jock says:- "Aye, that's as far as I got
too".
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Scotsmans Chilli
A hungry bloke walks into a seedy cafe in Glasgow.......
He sits at the counter and notices a Jock with his arms folded staring blankly at a bowl of chilli. ...
After fifteen minutes of just sitting there staring at it, the hungry bloke bravely asks:
"If you aren't going to eat that, mind if I do?"
The old Jock slowly turns his head toward the young bloke and says,
"Nah, ye can g**... ahead."
Eagerly, the young bloke reaches over and slides the bowl over to his place and starts spooning it in with delight.
He gets nearly down to the bottom and notices a dead mouse in the chilli.
The sight was shocking and he immediately pukes up the chilli back into the bowl.
The old Jock says:- "Aye, that's as far as I got too".
why did the computer go to the cafe?, and who is the king of the classroom?
to get a byte, and
the ruler!!!
my one sub teacher tells absolutely terrible jokes everytime we have her!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My dad's favorite joke.
A lady walks into a cafe and orders a burger from the cashier. She notices the cook isn't wearing a shirt and curiously watches him prepare her food. He takes a handful of ground beef and slaps it against his hairy stomach, flips it over, and does the same to the other side. Appalled, the lady looks at the cashier and says, "Eww, that's *disgusting*!" The cashier replies, "If you think that's g**..., you should see him make donuts."
Two women are sitting in a cafe discussing work..
One says to the other "How do you like your job testing push-up bras?" The other woman replies, "It has its perks."
A goose walks into a cafe.
He says, "I want a burger, fries, and coke.
Put it on my bill."
What do you call a cold cafe worker?
A burrrista.
A homeless guy walks up to a table at an outdoor cafe where a woman is having lunch
"Pardon me, ma'am, for disturbing you, but I was wondering if you could help me out. I've been having a pretty rough time lately. I understand if you don't want to give cash, but could you at least spare me some of the bread off your table? I haven't eaten in two days."
She says, "God, I wish I had your willpower."
blond joke
A blonde went into an internet cafe to send a message to her mother overseas.
When the man told her it would cost $300, she exclaimed: "I don't have any money, but I'd do ANYTHING to get a message to my mother."
The man arched an eyebrow (as we would expect).
"Anything?" he asked.
"Yes, yes, anything" the blonde promised.
Well, then, "Just follow me" said the man as he walked towards the next room. The blonde did as she was told and followed the man. "Come in and close the door" the man said. She did.
He then said "Now get on your knees."
She did.
"Now take down my zipper."
She did.
"Now go ahead ... Take it out....." He said.
She reached in and grabbed it with both hands. Then paused.
The man closed his eyes and whispered .."Well ... Go ahead."
The blonde slowly brought her mouth closer to it and while holding it close to her lips, .... tentatively said .... "Hello. Mum, can you hear me?"
Boromir
One day Boromir was at a cafe meeting up with his old friend Sandra when he noticed a bruise on her face.
"Oh my God Sandra," he says. "How did you get *another* bruise on your face?"
Sandra looked scared. "I...I ran into a door."
"A door, Sandra?"
"I...I'm clumsy."
"Jesus Christ, Sandra." Says boromir, angry. "One does not simply walk into more doors.'
What do you call an internet cafe in Russia? A cyberian cafe.
Once upon a time, a man entering a cafe ..
.. and splash
What's the most awkward aspect of bar-tending at an internet cafe?
You have to deal with people who forget to close their tabs.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Best lines when dealing with telemarketers
Some of the better ones
* City Morgue, you stab 'em, we slab 'em
* Mario's Pizzaria and Abortion Clinic, your loss is our sauce, may I take your order?
* Roadkill Cafe, you kill it, we grill it
* Mort's Mortuary, you slice 'em, we ice 'em
* Bob's Back Alley Abortion Parlour, you r**... 'em, we scrape 'em, no fetus can beat us
Anyone have more?
Two Jews are eating in a cafe...
One looks up at the other and says "this hummus Israeli good"
A Jewish man walks into a cafe in Canada and asks the waiter if they have any Canadian Jews
"I'm sorry," the waiter replied. "We only have orange!"
A Communist, Socialist and Capitalist all agree to meet at a cafe.
The Communist and the Capitalist arrive on time but the Socialist is late.
A hour later, the Socialist rushes in.
'Sorry I'm late guys' he said, 'I had to wait in line for a sausage'.
'What's a line?' asked the Capitalist.
'What's a sausage?' asked the Communist
Cafe Chit Chat
At a local cafe, a young woman was expounding on her idea of the perfect mate to some of her friends. The man I marry must be a shining light amongst company. He must be musical. Tell jokes. Sing. And stay home at night! An old granny overheard and spoke up, Honey, if that's all you want, get a TV!
So I went to a cafe the other day
I went to a cafe and ordered a coffee and a steak and cheese pie. They brought the coffee to the table within a few minutes. Ten minutes later a fat guy brings my pie and says "I'm sorry about the weight". Apparently, "don't be so hard on yourself" was not the right response.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I once hired a beggar for my business
I once owned a little cafe. This beggar always stands in front of my door. Out of the goodness of my heart, I hired him. I taught him how to use the power juicer. He could never get it right. And that's when it hit me. Beggars can't be juicers.
Pavlov walks into a cafe...
...and orders a breakfast. "Sure," the lady says. "I'll let you know when it's ready." After a little while, she places his tray on the counter and rings the bell. Pavlov leaps up and exclaims, "Oh my gosh, I have to feed the dogs!"
A Mathematician, a Biologist and a Physicist are sitting in a street cafe.
A Mathematician, a Biologist, and a Physicist are sitting in a street cafe watching people going in and coming out of the house on the other side of the street.
First, they see two people going into the house. Time passes. After a while they notice three people coming out of the house.
The Physicist: "The measurement wasn't accurate.".
The Biologist: "They have reproduced".
The Mathematician: "If now exactly one person enters the house then it will be empty again"
Ninja
A Roman walks into a cafe
A Roman walks into a cafe with four of his friends. He holds up two fingers and says, "Five coffees please."
Isn't it great how music just takes you to another place?
For example, whenever pop music plays i move to another cafe
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What did Rick s**... order at the cafe?
More tea.
Leaving a tip
A old man stops by a cafe for breakfast. After paying the tab, he checks his pockets and leaves three pennies for a tip.
As he strides toward the door, his waitress muses, only half to herself, "You know, you can tell a lot about a man by the tip he leaves".
The old man turns around, curiosity getting the better of him. "Oh, really?
Tell me, what does my tip say"?
"Well, this penny tells me you're a thrifty man".
Barely able to conceal his pride, the man utters, "Hmm, true enough".
"And this penny, it tells me you're a bachelor".
Surprised at her perception, he says, "Well, that's true, too".
"And the third penny tells me that your father was also a bachelor".
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A Woman Walks Into A Cafe
A woman goes to a cafe and takes a seat outside. While she's eating, she overhears a group of men at the next table.
"Look, let's go with the simple option. It's spelled W-O-O-M."
"No, I'm sure there's an R in there. W-O-O-M-R."
"I thought it was longer than that, and had a B. W-O-O-M-M-B-R-R."
Finally the woman has had enough. She walks over to the table and says, "Gentleman, the word you're looking for is W-O-M-B, w**...." With that she walks off, the men staring after her.
Finally, one of the men turns back to the others. "Do you think she's right?"
"Of course not. A slip of a girl like that, I don't suppose she's ever heard an elephant f**...."
waitress in a cafe...
waitress in a cafe approaches me
"would you care for a coffee?"
"if it needed me, and no other family would take it in"
"I'll take that as a yes".
I made the mistake of breaking up with my girlfriend in a backpackers cafe
It was a hostel situation.
A man orders a coffee in a cafe.
When it arrives, he drinks and promptly spits out his first sip.
'Waiter!' he calls,'this coffee tastes like it's a day old.'
'Thank you sir,' is the reply,'it's yesterdays coffee.'
The man gives the coffee back to the waiter and says: 'thank you for your honesty. I'd really like to drink today's coffee.'
Taking the coffee, the waiter says: 'we open at 10AM tomorrow, you're welcome to drop by then!'
Anyone else here fed up with people?
Could you please send me the new Cannibal Cafe link? Thanks!
A man is sipping on his coffee at a cafe
He needs to visit bathroom. He doesn't want anyone to steal&drink his coffee during his absence so he leaves a sign on a cup that says: "I've spit in it".
He goes to the bathroom and comes back to find another sign on his coffee that says: "Me too"
A man was in a cafe
He took one sip of the coffee, and grimaced.
Walking to the barista, he asked why it tasted so bad.
The barista shrugged, and told him "well, it was ground this morning!"
Two blondes are having a coffee at the local cafe.
They see a flower delivery truck pull up in front of the apartment building across the street and the delivery guy goes inside. The first blonde remarks "You know, whenever my boyfriend gets me flowers, he expects me to keep my legs spread for a week."
The second blonde replies "Don't you have a vase?"
The service in the Cyber Cafe was infuriatingly slow. All the waiters were terrible at their job. Eventually, though, they did a complete restaff, and it improved dramatically.
Turns out all they needed was a server upgrade.
A French internet cafe had to cancel a CS:GO tournament it was supposed to host, after someone stole all the baked goods.
The gamers could not tolerate that much baguette loss.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I was at a cafe when I had to f**.... Thankfully there was loud music playing so I let it rip.
Turns out I was wearing ear buds.
Today, an obese friend reach a new level of happiness...
He just realized that every cafe in town is an "all you can eat" place.
Why am i tired?
Because i really am plz send help to shy person who just went to cafe regretting because I don't want to meet people k bye
A Christian, a Jew, a Pagan, a Muslim, and an atheist walk into a cafe
They drink coffee and have a reasonable, mild-mannered conversation because they're adults.
I'd like to congratulate the inventor of the wobbly table
He must be successful with them being in every restaurant and cafe
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
(Gross) Three vampires go to a cafe
The waiter comes and asks them what would they want to drink. First one: The usual - a cup of blood.
Second one: For me a cup of blood as well.
Third one: For me a bottle of water.
The first and the second one, surprised, ask the third why not blood.
The third: I'll drink a tea. *Brings out a used t**.... *
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A biker gang comes into a transport cafe
and start picking on a little middle-aged man just sitting down to an all-day breakfast. They steal most of it, spit in his tea, and pull away his chair from under him, until eventually he gives up and walks out silently.
They laugh loudly and say to the waitress "He wasn't much of a man, was he?"
"No," she says, "and he's not much of a truck driver either -- he's just backed an eighteen-wheeler over a whole line of motorbikes."
So an Australian walks ito a cafe and orders coffe
The barista says want any creamer
The Australian replies Just coffee, mate
I was up in Canada for vacation last year...
And the morning after I arrived, I went down to this little cafe beneath the hotel for a coffee. I approached the counter and said "howdy!" to the barista...
The barista asked me, "where are you from, eh?"
To which I replied "oh, I'm from California..."
Then he asked, "California, eh? Beautiful down there. What can I get for you?"
I said "I'll take the largest black coffee you have, please."
He said "oh, you want a lot, eh?"
And I said "no thank you, just the black coffee."
When I was in college...
I liked a girl very much but I was afraid to approach her.One day my friend suggested to write my cellphone number on dollar bill and give it to her. I did likewise and told her it was dropped from her wallet.
The girl took it and went straight to the college cafe. She bought a burger and gave that money to the guy in the burger shop.
Now that guy from the burger shop texted me for a year asking how was the burger and when I'm coming next to the cafe.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I want to try translating an Iraqi joke to English and see if it works. A man is sitting in a cafe...
A man is sitting in a cafe when suddenly someone he knows comes running to him in panic shouting "Quick, your wife is cheating on you with your best friend in the forest". The man runs out of the cafe angry and furious to see for himself and returns after a short while and sits back down on his chair. The people in the cafe and the guy that told him are confused and ask what happened. The man says "this son of a b**... was just exaggerating, firstly, it was just a couple of trees he made it out like it was a forest, secondly, best friend he says?! It turns out I don't even know the guy". Thank you
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Adam walks into a cafe and orders tea
Adam ordered a cup of tea in a cafe.
So, a waiter brought it for him but dipped his fingers in it.
Adam asked "Hey m**..., why are you dipping your fingers in my tea?"
The waiter replied, "My finger is injured and the doctor advised me to keep it warm."
Adam said, "Then shove it up your a**...!"
Then the waiter said, "Yeah, that's where I keep it when I am not carrying tea"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A panda walks into a cafe...
A panda walks into a cafe. He orders a sandwich, eats it, then draws a gun and proceeds to fire it at the other patrons.
"Why?" asks the confused, surviving waiter amidst the carnage, as the panda makes towards the exit.
The panda produces a badly punctuated wildlife manual and tosses it over his shoulder. "Well, I'm a panda," he says. "Look it up."
The waiter turns to the relevant entry in the manual and, sure enough, finds an explanation. "Panda. Large black-and-white bear-like mammal, native to China. **Eats, shoots and leaves.**"
\* Stolen from Eats, Shoots & Leaves: The Zero Tolerance Approach to Punctuation
A man walked into a cafe, went to the bar and ordered a beer.
"Certainly sir, that'll be one cent."
"One Cent? ' the man exclaimed. He glanced at the menu and asked: "How much for a nice juicy steak and a bottle of wine?"
"A nickel" the barman replied.
"A nickel?" exclaimed the man. "Where's the guy who owns this place?"
The bartender replied, "Upstairs, with my wife." The man asked, "What's he doing upstairs with your wife?"
The bartender replied, "The same thing I'm doing to his business down here."
3 farmers.
3 farmers were sitting at the local cafe drinking coffee. The subject of the lottery and what they would do if they won came up.
"I think I would take some time off and go on a cruise. I've always wanted to go on a cruise." Said the first farmer.
"First thing I would do is buy a fancy sports car. I've always wanted a fast car." said the second farmer.
The third farmer was sitting quietly, fidgeting a little. "Come on, what would you do with your millions?" Asked the other two farmers.
Reluctantly the third farmer answered "I reckon I would just go on farming like I have been until the money runs out"
A guy walks into a cafe and asks for a bowl of chili.
The waitress says, "The guy next to you got the last bowl." He looks over and sees that the guy's bowl of chili is full. He says, "If you're not going to eat that, mind if I take it?" The other guys says, "No, help yourself." He starts to eat it and about halfway down, his fork hits something. It's a dead mouse, and he vomits the chili back into the bowl. The other guys says, "That's about as far as I got, too."
What's the job title of a philosophy student who's making cappuccinos and lattes in a cafe
Baristotel
Nickel & Dime Dining
A man walked into a cafe, went to the bar and ordered a beer. "Certainly, Sir, that'll be one cent." "One Cent?" the man exclaimed. He glanced at the menu and asked: "How much for a nice juicy steak and a bottle of wine?" "A nickel," the barman replied.
"A nickel?" exclaimed the man.
"Where's the guy who owns this place?"
The bartender replied: "Upstairs, with my wife." The man asked: "What's he doing upstairs with your wife?"
The bartender replied:
"The same thing I'm doing to his business down here."
Making a tea from books
A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. "You know, I had an interesting drink the other day at that cafe down the street," he tells the bartender. "It was a tea made by steeping a book in hot water." "How was it?" the bartender asks. "It was okay, but I probably won't have it again," the guy says. "It was just a novelty."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A man is sitting in a cafe when suddenly someone he knows comes running to him in panic shouting "Quick, your wife is cheating on you with your best friend in the forest".
The man runs out of the cafe angry and furious to see for himself and returns after a short while and sits back down on his chair. The people in the cafe and the guy that told him are confused and ask what happened. The man says "this son of a b**... was just exaggerating, firstly, it was just a couple of trees he made it out like it was a forest, secondly, best friend he says?! It turns out I don't even know the guy"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I want to open a Star Wars themed cafe that caters to people who are obsessed with bubble tea.
I am going to call it Boba f**....
