Cab Jokes
145 cab jokes and hilarious cab puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about cab that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Be prepared for a few chuckles and laughs with these funny cab jokes about taxi cabs, chauffeurs and passengers. From passengers asking for a fare discount to drunk drivers, these jokes will keep everyone laughing.
Funniest Cab Short Jokes
Short cab jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The cab humour may include short chauffeur jokes also.
- "I always try to go the extra mile for my customers" -New York's most hated cab driver
Courtesy of @lordbeef on twitter - Did you know Darth Vader's cousin lives in Switzerland and drives a cab? He's called 'taxi Vader'
- Think New Yorkers don't get along? I just saw two complete strangers share a cab... One took the wheels and tires, the other took the battery and the radio.
- A guy walks into a cab and... asks if it's ok to use hand sanitizer in the car. The driver says, "Sure. I haven't smelled anything in 2 weeks anyway."
- I got so drunk last night that I had to take a cab home... you know, it was exciting." "That was the first time I ever drove one."
- I was so drunk last weekend, that I took a cab home... Which was weird, because I've never driven one.
- Son - I'm late for work, can you call me a cab? Dad - I don't know how that helps but
You're a cab. - [Frugal] I ran behind a bus all the way home and save $2.25. Got home and girlfriend mocked me saying had I run behind a cab, I would have saved $15.
- Not caving into peer pressure can be tough but i always walk away from it. Which has been a lot easier since the DUI i got the night everyone tried to convince me to 'take a cab home'.
- A really drunk guy... A really drunk guy gets into a taxi and says
"Heeeyy cab guy, can I leave the pizza and the beer in the front seat?"
"yeah no problem"
-BHLUAGHH-
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Cab One Liners
Which cab one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with cab? I can suggest the ones about drunk and fare.
- What do you call a guy who's had too much to drink? A cab.
- What do you call a vampire whose car breaks down 3 miles from a blood bank? A cab.
- Next time someone asks me to call them a cab I'll say You're a cab.
- Why did John F. kennedy take a cab home? Because he had too many shots.
- If a cabbie drives a cab, what does a podiatrist drive? A toe truck.
- What should protesters ride to get back home from the BLM protests? A cab
- I had a great conversation with the world's leading brain surgeon.. Best cab ride ever
- What do you call a drunk man wandering the streets on foot? a cab
- Did y'all hear about the wine Uber started making? It's kinda like a cab but not quite.
- Why did the cab-driving sith get arrested? He was a Taxi Vader.
- I saw a refrigerator call a cab once Guess he was tired of running.
- I was caught after ditching a cab without paying... I was charged with Taxi Evasion.
- A man walked into a bar... ...then realized his cab was waiting outside the bar.
- Why did the taxi driver sue the man who died in his cab? Because life isn't fare.
- My last trip to the movies cost $138 That's the last time I take a cab to the drive-in!
Cab Driver Jokes
Here is a list of funny cab driver jokes and even better cab driver puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- A cab driver in Moscow..... Was driving 20 over the speed limit. The passenger got scared so he asked, "Sir, why are you Russian?"
- I got into a cab and asked the driver to take me where the action is. He took me to my house.
- What do a cab driver and a cue ball have in common? The harder you hit them
...the more english you get out. - What did the body builder say to the cab driver? U don't even lyft, bro.
- Question: What did the Cabbage say to the cab driver when he passed his stop? Answer:
"STOP THE CAB-BAGE"
Ps - The joke is to say it out loud and figure out what you are actually saying. - The problem with psychotic cab drivers. They drive me crazy.
- My usual cab driver always goes the extra mile. I've ought to get a new driver really.
- Why are NSA agents great cab drivers? Cause when you get in, they already know your name and address.
- Why was the cab driver contemplating his life? Because he had nothing to chauffeur.
- Why did the cab driver get a divorce? Because he had a fare.
Taxi Cab Jokes
Here is a list of funny taxi cab jokes and even better taxi cab puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Hello? Zeno taxi service? I called for a cab forever ago...
What do you mean he's half way there? - Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a taxi cab?
A: You have to pay to ride in a taxi cab. - This is how you know you're really drunk - when you get into a taxi cab and you think the fare is the time.
- A man got in a taxi cab to be driven to work...
Cheeky Cab Jokes to Experience Good Cheer & Frivolity
What funny jokes about cab you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean limo jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make cab pranks.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him something.
The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up onto the sidewalk, and stopped inches away from a lady with a baby stroller. For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said, "Hey, don't ever do that again. You scared the c**... out of me!"
The passenger apologized and said he didn't realize that a little tap could scare him so much.
The driver replied, "I'm sorry. It's not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver. I've been driving a hearse for the last 25 years."
Not a joke but a real incident that happened to an indian acquaintance of mine when he moved to Australia for higher studies..
So he comes out of the airport and gets into the cab.
The Aussie cab driver asked where he is from ?
He replied 'India '.
The cab driver asked ' So did you come to die?'
He froze as it was the times when there were racial attacks by white Aussies on people of indian descent .
It was only few weeks later, he realised that the driver actually asked " Did you come today?'
I finally caught her.
I jumped into a cab and asked the driver to follow my wife's car. From a safe distance, I saw her turn into the motel parking lot. I told the cabbie, "I'll pay you an extra $100 if you go in there and bring her out."
Without hesitating, he jumped out of the car and trotted to the motel. After a few minutes, during which I could hear a lot of commotion, he came back to the car, dragging a woman by the arm. "Hey, what gives?", I protested. "This isn't my wife!" "I know, she's mine. I'll be right back with yours."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Israeli tourist
An Israeli tourist is visiting New York and hires a cab to drive him around the city. He engages the driver in small talk to get better acquainted.
"Where are you from?" he asks.
"I'm from Palestine" replies the cab driver, "and you?"
"I'm from Narnia."
"b**..., that place doesn't exist" says the cab driver.
"Well, you started it" says the Israeli.
I hopped in a cab after work and said to the cabbie
"My wife won't put out any more. Take me somewhere I can get an easy chick that won't say no"
10 minutes later he dropped me off at my house and said
"Just tell her Larry sent you"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A taxi passenger
A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question.
The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the footpath, and stopped centimeters from a shop window.
For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said, "Look mate, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me?"
The passenger apologized and said, "I didn't realize that a little tap would scare you so much."
The driver replied, "Sorry, its not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver - I've been driving a f**... van for the last 25 years."
Two Photons enter a bar.
Two Photons Finish their shift at their job, hop a cab and head to a bar.
They enter the bar and the bartender asks "Are you coming or leaving?" One of the photons replies "Isn't it obvious?"
The bartender replies "No, I'm colorblind.
A blonde woman waves a cab
She asks the cab driver
"How much do you charge to drive me to the nearest airport?"
The cab driver answers
"Around 20 bucks"
The woman then says "I'm carrying luggage, do these get charged?"
Driver: "No, i don't charge for luggage"
The woman smiles, leaves her luggage in the cab and then says
"see you at the airport then, ill take the bus"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
An Englishman an Irishman & a Scotsman...
An Englishman an Irishman & a Scotsman get into a cab. The driver turns around and says "Sorry gents I'm Muslim, I can't take a joke."
A passenger in a taxi tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him something.
The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb, and stopped just inches from a large plate glass window.
For a few moments everything was silent in the cab, then the driver said "Please, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me." The passenger, who was also frightened, apologised and said he didn't realise that a tap on the shoulder could frighten him so much, to which the driver replied: "I'm sorry, it's really not your fault at all. Today is my first day driving a cab. I have been driving a hearse for the last 25 years."
So the pope coes to New York...
and flags a taxi. The taxi is extremely suprised to see the pope, and quickly ushers him into his cab. After a few minutes of silence, the pope says to the taxi driver "You know, being the pope, I've always have people drive me places, and I rarely get the chance to drive myself. Would you mind if I got behind the wheel for a little while?" Not wanting to say no to the pope, the taxi driver lets him drive. They get pulled over by the police soon after, since the pope was driving way over the speed limit. The officee walks up to the cab, is about to give them ticket, until he sees the pope. Not sure of what to do in this sitution, he calls his superior. "Sir, I just pulled over this guy for speeding, and he's *really* important. What do I do?" "Well who is the guy, the mayor?" "Nah, bigger than that" " Is he a movie star?" " No, way bigger than that" "Is he the president?" "No, he's bigger than that" "Well then who is he!?" "I dunno, but he's got the pope driving for him!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A devout Muslim entered a cab in London
He curtly asked the cabbie to turn off the radio, because as decreed by his religious teaching, he must not listen to music, because in the time of the prophet there was no music especially western music, which is the music of the infidel.
The cab driver politely switched off the radio, stopped the cab, and opened the door. The Arab asked him, "What are you doing?" The cabbie answered,
"In the time of the prophet, there were no taxis, so get off and wait for a camel!"
Took a Cab Home
With the Holidays upon us I would like to share a personal experience with all of you about drinking and driving.
As you may know, some of us have been known to have brushes with the authorities from time to time on the way home after a "social session" out with friends. Well, two days ago I was out for an evening with friends and had several drinks of Scotch followed by some rather nice red wine... a dry Chianti I think it was. Feeling jolly, I still had the sense to know that I may be slightly over the limit.
That's when I did something that I've never done before, I took a cab home. Sure enough on the way home there was a police road block, but since it was a cab they waved it past. I arrived home safely without incident.
This was a real surprise as I had never driven a cab before, I don't know where I got it, and now that it's in my garage I'm not sure what to do with it.
The first Jewish President of the United States is elected.
The night before the inauguration he calls his mother.
"Mom, I'd love for you to come visit and stay with me during the inauguration and for a few days."
"Oh I don't know, airfare is so expensive these days."
"Mom, I'll fly you out on Air Force One!"
"Oh, but you know, cab fare is ridiculous."
"Mom, the Presidential motorcade will drive you here."
"But accommodations, especially during the inau---"
"MOM!! I'll put you in the Lincoln bedroom itself!!"
She reluctantly agrees, hangs up and starts talking to her friend.
"Who was that?"
"My son."
*gasp* "The doctor??"
"No, the other one."
After a night out on the town, a Jewish couple is taking a cab home.
When they arrive, the cabbie says, "That'll be $46, please."
The husband gives him a $50 bill and waits.
"I'm sorry, but I don't have change to give you." says the cabbie.
The husband says, "No worries, you can take us for a spin around the block a couple of times."
Lucky Number 7
I had a vivid dream of the number 7, just a giant 7... and when I woke up, it was 7:00... so I get up and decide to go to the track, because I like to play the ponies.. and I get a cab, and the cab pulls up, and it's number 7... so I get to the track and I ask what I owe, and it was $7.77... I go in through gate 7 and the only booth open is the 7th. I look at the board and in the 7th race there's a horse named Lucky Number 7 and his odds are 77/1. So I put $700 on him... and believe it not... he came in 7th.
(Cr
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Two Irish friends leave the pub.
Two Irish friends leave the pub.
One says to other, 'I can't be bothered to walk all the way home'. 'I know, me too but we've no money for a cab and we've missed the last bus home.
We could steal a bus from the depot' replies his mate.
They arrive at the bus depot and one goes in to get a bus while the other keeps a look-out.
After shuffling around for ages, the lookout shouts, 'What are you doing? Have you not found one yet?'
'I can't find a No. 91' 'Oh for goodness sake, ye thick sod, take the No. 14 and we'll walk from the roundabout.
Pouring rain, New York City. A drunk hails a cab.
Cabbie rolls down the windo, the drunk man says "hey mister, do you gave room for half a chicken and a six-pack in here"?
Annoyed, the cabbie says "sure"
the drunk says BLUGHHHHHH
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A pakistani cabbie called me a racist
I didn't say a word and left the cab. Because you don't negotiate with terrorists
A Jewish girl....
.....flagged down a cab after drunken night out in town. All too late she realised the driver was heading in the wrong direction, & was driving down a dark country lane into the woods.
He stopped the car, then jumped in the back seat, pulling at the girls clothes frantically.
"Stop, stop!" she screamed.
"Don't worry love, I just want a bit of fun, I ain't going to hurt you" he explained.
"No, it's not that, could you turn the meter off first?" she replied.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Money-minded Cabbie!!
A guy is on a date with a girl, so he takes her to Lovers' Lane.
When they get up there, she says, ''I have to be honest with you -- I'm a h**....'' The guy thinks about this for a short time and says it's okay. He agrees to pay her $25, and they start having s**....
After they finish, the guy says, ''I have to be honest with you now. I'm a cab driver, and it'll cost you $25 for me to drive you back into town.''
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A nun gets into a cab
The cab driver sees her in the backseat and says "I have always had a fantasy about nuns."
She answers "you and everyone else! Are you a Catholic?"
Driver says yes, so she tells him to pull over.
She hops in the front seat and gives him the best b**... he ever had. She gets done and the cabbie feels guilty and says "You know sister, I have to confess. I am not really Catholic."
"That's fine. My name is Ralph and I am going to a costume party."
A British cab driver pulls up to the airport...
He sees a man waiting for a cab. The man has three eyes, no arms, and only one leg.
The cab driver says to him "Aye, aye, aye. You look 'armless. Hop in!"
Hindu dies and goes to heaven...
Hindu dies and goes to heaven. He's standing at the pearly gates, talking to St Peter. He says, "I wish to speak to Jesus Christ", and St Peter turns his head and yells, "Jesus, your cab is here!"
My friend works as a cab driver in London
one day, while chatting, I asked him if he found problems adapting to driving on the other side of the road
"not really, no, but the biggest problem is that sometimes instead of spitting outside the window I spit on the customer sitting next to me"
I went to a bar for a New Year's celebration and took a cab home.
I went to a bar for a New Year's celebration and took a cab home. Came upon a DUI checkpoint, and when they saw the cab, they just waved us pass. After a while I made it home safely, which is surprising because I've never driven a cab.
Taxi Story
A true story from the pages of the Manchester Evening Times . . .
Last Wednesday a passenger in a taxi heading for Salford station leaned over to ask the driver a question and gently tapped him on the shoulder to get his attention.
The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb and stopped just inches from a large plate window.
For a few moments everything was silent in the cab. Then, the shaking driver said "are you OK? I'm so sorry, but you scared the daylights out of me."
The badly shaken passenger apologized to the driver and said, "I didn't realize that a mere tap on the shoulder would startle someone so badly."
The driver replied, "No, no, I'm the one who is sorry, it's entirely my fault. Today is my very first day driving a cab.
I've been driving a hearse for 25 years."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Why banks fail
Why banks failed?
A n**... & drunk woman boards a cab in America.
Driver of the cab, keeps staring at her and does not start the cab
Woman: Haven't you seen a n**... woman before?
Cabbie: calm down. I am not staring at you. I am just wondering where have you kept the money to pay me?
Moral:
This is what most of the banks failed to do. Assessing the repayment capacity before enjoying exposure…
An elderly lady takes a cab ride
When she gets to her destination the drìver says, "That'll be $15."
The old lady lifts up her skirt and says, "How about I pay you with this? "
"Aw jeez lady!" the driver says, "Don't you have anything smaller?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Why would you still take a cab instead of Uber?
Because I'm not going to ask my Uber driver where to get the best h**... in town .
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A man is on the side of the road hitchhiking
Two truckers stop and pick him up.
They're driving along and the trucker driving farts. It's completely silent. Then the trucker sitting next to him farts, and it makes no sound at all. The hitchhiker farts, and it's loud enough to shake the whole cab.
Both the truckers turn and yell "v**...!"
A man hails a cab...
...and gets inside. The driver starts, and decides to mess with the man a little bit. "I'm actually a spy you know" he says to his passenger. "Really?" The passenger says. "Yeah, you see the man on that bike? I need to take him down" He speeds up a bit and right when he's about to hit the bike messenger, he slows, just missing him. The driver then hears a thud, when the passenger says, "You missed him, but I got him with the door!"
Unexpected car wash...
So a guy in a pick up truck goes to a car wash, after a few minutes he gets waved in and starts to drive away. He looks back and sees a Spanish guy drying his rear window in the bed of his truck. He freaks out, swerves and a cop who sees all of this pulls him over. While the cop is walking up to the cab of the truck, the truck driver says "no one is going to believe this!" The Spanish guy looks up and says "NO! Juan will believe this!!!"
A tipsy man staggered out of Melbourne Hotel and entered a taxi. "Take me to Melbourne Hotel," he told the cabbie. The cabbie was momentarily confused. They sat in silence for minutes. The cab never moved. Then the cabbie got out, opened the back door and told the guy: "Look. (Pointing)"
"The Melbourne Hotel." "How much for the fare?" "No charge," replied the cabbie. "Thanks. Next time, don't drive so fast!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Couple went to New York and hired a Cab.
He had a broad Southern accent
Cabbies
: "whhhherre are Yaaah
Frumm?"
Wife: "what is he sayin?"
Husband: "asking where we from"
Husband to cabbie: "London"
Cabbie:" whereeee inn Londonn?"
Wife:"what is he sayin?"
Husband to wife: "asking where from in London"
Husband to cabbie: "Stamford"
Cabbie:" Stammfordd , I know the place, was there during the war and had an English girlfriend.
Had the worst s**... of my Life"
Wife:"what is he sayin now?"
Husband: " He says he knows you!!"
Man to Drunk Friend: You'd better take a cab home.
Drunk Friend: My wife won't let me bring it into the house.
What do you call a guy who can't afford a used car?
A cab!
(Seriously can you call me a cab?)
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My friend is so s**...
I took a cab to his house and he was all worried I was going to get the coronavirus. I told him not to worry. I have auto immune disease.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Last night I got so s**... the bartender had to call me a cab.
I was uber drunk.
I was at a party the other day and a friend of mine showed up in a cab and he was super drunk
It really freaked out his passengers
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Impact of Job Change!!
One day, A taxi passenger touched driver on his shoulder to ask something. Driver screamed, lost control of car, went up on footpath & stopped few inches from a shop.
The passenger apologised & said: "I didn't realise that a little touch would scare you so much"
Driver replied: Sorry it's not your fault, it's my 1st day as a cab driver, I've been driving a van carrying dead bodies from last 25 years.
He's making a list, He's checking it twice.
And now I'm falling asleep.
And she's calling a cab.
The man of Latvian walk street when...
...see the police cab is drive backward.
Man make questioning of police, "why drive the backward?" Officer of Policing respond, "Road narrow. We try to turning around!" Man thinking this is fine; keeping of walk.
Much time in future, man see same polices drive backwards, in opposite direction. Askings, "why the driving in opposite way?" Polices: "We turned around!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My girlfriend and I try to split things equally
But it seems like there are things she expects me to always pay for. For instance, I'm always paying for the cab rides, always paying for the motels we stay in, always paying for food, and *always* paying for the s**... we have. Sometimes I feel like I'm being used.
So an atheist man lives in a over conservative Irish neighborhood...
... and calls a cab. The heavily accented cab driver says to him, "Before you get in, I gotta know your religion."
So he replied, "Oh, no, I'm an atheist, actually."
The cab driver stared at him a moment before asking, "Yeah, but is it the Catholic God you don't believe in or the Protestant one?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Why was h**... late to his meeting?
He couldn't HEIL a cab.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
An excited Johnny dashed into the kitchen and raved: "Dad, I ran home behind the bus today and saved a dollar!"
"That was s**...!" "Why, Dad?" "Should have ran behind the cab and saved three dollars!"
The cab
A Jewish guy in New York City is in a cab. The cab is going down the street when the cabbie sees a guy on the sidewalk mugging a woman. The guy is hitting her and trying to grab her purse. The cabbie zooms to the side of the road and jumps out to go help the woman.
The Jewish guy rolls down the window and yells, "Stop it! Stop it! Stop the meter!"
My cab ride was free this morning, really nice guy.
No clue why he was chasing me though..
A drunk guy takes a cab
- Can you take us home?
- Us? You are alone!
- You are not coming?
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What do you call a h**... in the morning?
You call her a cab!
Took my first cab ride last night
And I gotta say, the price was fare!
did Uber go out of business
because everyone is asking for A CAB
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What do you call an overly drunk Polish man doing the Macarena in a s**... club?
A cab ride home
