Cab Driver Jokes
100 cab driver jokes and hilarious cab driver puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about cab driver that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest Cab Driver Short Jokes
Short cab driver jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The cab driver humour may include short taxi driver jokes also.
- "I always try to go the extra mile for my customers" -New York's most hated cab driver
Courtesy of @lordbeef on twitter - A guy walks into a cab and... asks if it's ok to use hand sanitizer in the car. The driver says, "Sure. I haven't smelled anything in 2 weeks anyway."
- A cab driver in Moscow..... Was driving 20 over the speed limit. The passenger got scared so he asked, "Sir, why are you Russian?"
- I got into a cab and asked the driver to take me where the action is. He took me to my house.
- What do a cab driver and a cue ball have in common? The harder you hit them
...the more english you get out. - Question: What did the Cabbage say to the cab driver when he passed his stop? Answer:
"STOP THE CAB-BAGE"
Ps - The joke is to say it out loud and figure out what you are actually saying. - Why are NSA agents great cab drivers? Cause when you get in, they already know your name and address.
- What's the difference between cab drivers and F1 drivers? F1 driver doesn't think he's a cab driver
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Cab Driver One Liners
Which cab driver one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with cab driver? I can suggest the ones about bus driver and truck driver.
- Why did the taxi driver sue the man who died in his cab? Because life isn't fare.
- What did the body builder say to the cab driver? U don't even lyft, bro.
- The problem with psychotic cab drivers. They drive me crazy.
- My usual cab driver always goes the extra mile. I've ought to get a new driver really.
- Why was the cab driver contemplating his life? Because he had nothing to chauffeur.
- Why did the cab driver get a divorce? Because he had a fare.
- Whats a cab drivers favorite song? Livin' on a fare!
- What do you call a cab driver who lost his brakes? A screwdriver
- What did Nietzsche call his Yiddish cab driver? An Uber mensche.
- Why did the cab driver did not get time for his family? Because he was Uber busy.
Uproarious Cab Driver Jokes to Have a Laugh Out Loud Good Time
What funny jokes about cab driver you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean limo driver jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make cab driver pranks.
An Indian cab driver picked up a Japanese man from a hotel.
Along the way, they saw a Honda motorcycle overtake the taxicab and the Japanese guy said, "Motorcycle very fast, made in Japan." Then a Toyota car overtook the taxicab and the Japanese guy said, "Car very fast, made in Japan." When they reached the destination the fare was 1500 rupees. The Japanese man thought the ride was would only cost 500 rupees. He asked the driver why the ride was so expensive. The driver said, "Meter very fast, made in India."
An Indian cab driver picked up a Japanese man from a hotel.
Along the way, they saw a Honda motorcycle overtake the taxicab and the Japanese guy said, "Motorcycle very fast, made in Japan." Then a Toyota car overtook the taxicab and the Japanese guy said, "Car very fast, made in Japan." When they reached the destination the fare was 1500 rupees. The Japanese man thought the ride was would only cost 500 rupees. He asked the driver why the ride was so expensive. The driver said, "Meter very fast, made in India."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A man is in Vegas where he lost all of his money so he can't pay for a cab to return to the airport.
He sees a cab and begs the driver to give him a free ride to the airport but the cab driver declines.
The next year the man returns to Vegas and get filthy rich when he decides to leave for the airport.
There is a huge line of cabs, and at the very end of this line was the very driver who never gave him a ride the previous year.
The man walks up to the front cab "Excuse me, sir if you give me a free ride to the airport I'll let you give me a h**...."
The driver declines immediately.
The man then asks all the drivers in this line the same thing.
When he gets to the last driver, he pays the fee and the cab driver begins moving, when he moved by the line, the man puts two thumbs up through the window so all the other drivers could see.
Impact of a job change.
A taxi passenger touched the driver on shoulder to ask something
Driver screamed, lost control of the car, went up on the footpath & Stopped few centimeters from a shop
The driver said: "Don't ever do that again man! You scared me!"
Passenger apologized and said: "I didn't realize a little touch would scare you so much"
Driver replied: "Sorry, it's not your fault
Its my 1st day as a Cab driver...I've been driving a van carrying dead bodies for last 25 yrs
A Jewish girl....
.....flagged down a cab after drunken night out in town. All too late she realised the driver was heading in the wrong direction, & was driving down a dark country lane into the woods.
He stopped the car, then jumped in the back seat, pulling at the girls clothes frantically.
"Stop, stop!" she screamed.
"Don't worry love, I just want a bit of fun, I ain't going to hurt you" he explained.
"No, it's not that, could you turn the meter off first?" she replied.
Taxi Story
A true story from the pages of the Manchester Evening Times . . .
Last Wednesday a passenger in a taxi heading for Salford station leaned over to ask the driver a question and gently tapped him on the shoulder to get his attention.
The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb and stopped just inches from a large plate window.
For a few moments everything was silent in the cab. Then, the shaking driver said "are you OK? I'm so sorry, but you scared the daylights out of me."
The badly shaken passenger apologized to the driver and said, "I didn't realize that a mere tap on the shoulder would startle someone so badly."
The driver replied, "No, no, I'm the one who is sorry, it's entirely my fault. Today is my very first day driving a cab.
I've been driving a hearse for 25 years."
So a truck driver is driving through the country when he sees a penguin in the middle of the road.....
He pulls over and looks around, but can't see anyone. So he picks up the penguin, puts him in the cab of his truck, and continues on his way.
A couple of miles down the road he gets pulled over by a cop. The cop walks up to the truck and asks, "What are you doing with that penguin in your cab?" The truck driver thinks for a second and says, "Well, he was just sitting in the middle of the road, so I decided to pick him up" to which the cop replied, "well ok, but what are you going to do with him now?" Truck driver thinks for another second and says, "Well I was thinking I'd take him to the zoo." The cop shrugs his shoulders, tells the truck driver that'll be fine and lets him go on his way.
A couple weeks later and the same truck driver with the same penguin is pulled over again by the same cop. But this time the cop storms up to the truck and demands to know angrily, "What are you still doing with that penguin? You said you were going to take him to the zoo?" "I did" exclaimed the truck driver "that was two weeks ago, I'm taking him to the ball park today"
A man is sitting in a bar just looking at his drink for half an hour
Then this really big truck driver looking guy steps next to him and takes the drink from the guy and just drinks it all down. The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a man cry."
"No, it's not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I go late to my office. My boss, outrageous, fires me. When I leave the building, to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police said that they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home, and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away."
"I go home, and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave home, and come to this bar. And just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life you show up and drink my poison."
So a Texan goes to England
So a Texan goes to London, England. He pays a cab driver a large some of money to give him a tour of the city. The cab driver first drives by Westminster Abby.
The Texan asks "Cabbie, what's this building?"
The cab driver replies "This is Westminster Abby."
The Texan replies "Huh. Back in Texas, we can put up buildings like this in two weeks."
The cab driver then drives past the London Tower.
"Cabbie, what building is this?"
"This is the London Tower, sir."
"Meh, in Texas we can put up buildings like this in a week."
Finally, the cab driver driver drives by Buckingham palace.
"Cabbie, what building is this?"
"I don't know sir, it wasn't here this morning."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
taxi cab
A businessman takes a vacation in Vegas. He has a horrible run of luck, and spends his life savings and maxes out his credit cards. All he has left is his airline ticket home.
Getting into a taxi, he explains his plight to the cabbie. He offers to leave his drivers license or anything else until he can mail the fare to the taxi driver.
"You ain't got ten bucks for the cab fare to the airport? Get out of my cab!" yelled the taxi driver.
The man walks to the airport, flies home, and for the next year, he works very hard, and builds back his fortune. He goes back to Vegas, and this time he wins big.
Feeling good about himself, he steps out of his hotel to leave for the airport. At the end of a long line of taxis, he sees the cab driver who refused to help him last year in his hour of need.
He immediately figures out a way to get even with this guy.
He gets into the first taxi and asks what the fare to the airport is. "Ten dollars." says the driver. He then asks how much for a b**.... "What? Get out of my cab."
He proceeds down the line of taxis repeating the process and getting the same results.
He finally gets into the cab with his old friend, and asks him how much to get to the airport. "Ten bucks," says the driver. "Good." he says to the driver.
And as they cruise past all the other drivers in their cabs, he gives them all a smile and a thumbs up.
Really bad day
There was this guy at a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half of an hour.
Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down. The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a man cry."
"No, it's not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I go late to my office. My boss, outrageous, fires me. When I leave the building, to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police said that they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home, and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away.
"I go home, and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave home, and come to this bar. And just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison."
A Cab Driver and a Priest
A Cab Driver and a Priest are going to Heaven. The Cab Driver steps up to St. Peter, states his name and how he died. St. Peter checks him off the lists, and turns around. He grabs a beautiful silken robe, and a golden staff encrusted in jewels, before turning back around. "Here, enjoy Heaven."
The Cab Driver walks away as the Priest steps up to state his name and how he died. St. Peter grabs a Burlap Sack and a Wooden Stick.
"Wait, wait, wait a minute." The Priest argues. "I've been a man of God all my life. How did the Cab Driver get more than me?"
"Well," St. Peter replied. "When you preached, people slept. When he drove, people prayed."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
20 Tons of Canaries
There was a man driving down the road behind an 18 wheeler; at every stoplight the trucker would get out of the cab, run back and bang on the trailer door.
After seeing this at several intersections in a row the motorist followed him until he pulled into a parking lot.
When they both had come to a stop the truck driver once again jumped out and started b**... on the trailer door.
The motorist went up to him and said, "I don't mean to be nosey but why do you keep b**... on that door?"
To which the trucker replied, "Sorry, can't talk now, I have 20 tons of canaries and a 10 ton limit, so I have to keep half of them flying at all times."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
An Englishman an Irishman & a Scotsman...
An Englishman an Irishman & a Scotsman get into a cab. The driver turns around and says "Sorry gents I'm Muslim, I can't take a joke."
And you thought you were having a bad day . . .
There was this little guy sitting inside a bar, just looking at his drink. He didn't move for a half-an-hour. Then, this big trouble-making truck driver stepped up right next to him, took the drink from the guy, and just drank it all down. The poor man started crying.
The truck driver turned and said: "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a man crying."
"No, it's not that. Today is the worst day of my life. First, I overslept and was late for an important meeting. My boss became outraged and then fired me. When I left the building to go to my car, I found out that it was stolen. The police said they could do nothing. I then got a cab to return home, and after I paid the cab driver and the cab had gone, I found that I left my wallet in the cab. I got home only to find my wife was in bed with the gardener. I left home depressed and came to this bar. And now, when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, YOU show up and drink the poison."
Natalie
A guy hails a cab at the airport and tells the driver to go to a certain address. When he gets there he sees a beautiful three story townhouse in a upper-class part of town. He knocks and an attractive woman opens the door.
"I wanna see Natalie"
The lady looks the man up and down, he clearly doesn't have a lot of money.
"Sir, to see Natalie you will have to pay $1,000 for half an hour"
"No problem, I have money"
Just then a gorgeous brunette in a black evening gown comes down the stairs and the guy looks at her
"Natalie?"
"Yes?"
"I want to spend a little time with you"
She smirks at the man's appearance
"It will cost you $1,000"
The guy takes out a roll of cash and hands it to her, they go upstairs, do the dirty and he leaves half an hour later. The next day the guy is back, he knocks, the madame opens and is quite surprised that the guy is back
"I wanna see Natalie"
"Well it's still $1,000"
"O.K., I have the money"
He shows her the money, he goes upstairs, hands the money to Natalie, spend half an hour poking her clam and leaves.
So it continues for three more days, after the fifth day Natalie turns to him while he's dressing and says
"You know it's the first time that somebody came back so many times; where are you from?"
"I am from Michigan"
Natalie sits up. "Really? I have a sister in Michigan"
The guy grins and replies "I know, she gave me $5,000 to give you"
A British cab driver pulls up to the airport...
He sees a man waiting for a cab. The man has three eyes, no arms, and only one leg.
The cab driver says to him "Aye, aye, aye. You look 'armless. Hop in!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Or What?
A man comes to his doctor and tells him that his wife hasn't had s**... with him for 6 months. The doctor tells the man to bring his wife in so he can talk to her. So the wife comes into the doctors office and the doc asks her what's wrong, and why doesn't she want to have s**... with her husband anymore.
The wife tells him, "For the past 6 months, every morning I take a cab to work. I don't have any money so the cab driver asks me, 'So are you going to pay today or what?' so I take a 'or what'. When I get to work I'm late so the boss asks me, 'So are we going to write this down in the book or what?' so I take a 'or what'. Back home again I take the cab and again I don't have any money so the cab driver asks me again, 'So are you going to pay this time or what?' so again I take a 'or what'. So you see doc when I get home I'm all tired out, and I don't want it any more."
The doctor thinks for a second and then turns to the wife and says, "So are we going to tell your husband or what?"
An American Tourist in London
An American man is on holiday in London and decides to get a cab from the airport to his hotel. On the way he passes Tower Bridge and says to the driver "Hey man, what's that?" The cab driver replies "That's Tower Bridge", and the American replies "In America we could build that in two weeks!"
Next they pass Buckingham Palace and again the American asks "Hey man, what's that?" To which the cab driver replies "That's Buckingham Palace", the American replies "In America we could build that in one week!"
Next they pass The Houses of Parliament and again the American asks "Hey man, what's that?" To which the cab driver replies "I dunno mate, it wasn't there this morning".
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Truck driver and couple
A truck driver sees a couple making love in the road up ahead. He honks his horn to make them get up out of the way, but they keep at it. He keeps honking, but they stay there, so he slams on the brakes to keep from hitting them. He stops inches from them, gets out of the cab, and by then they had rolled apart, satisfied.
He says to the man, "What's the matter with you? I kept honking but you didn't move. You trying to get killed?"
The man says, "I was coming, she was coming and you were coming. You were the only one with brakes."
A man went to New York on a business trip...
When the trip was over, he took a cab to get to the airport. The cab driver decided to have a little fun at the man's expense, so he asked, "My mother had three kids, one was my brother, one was my sister, who was the third?"
The passenger had no idea.
The driver replied, "The third one was ME!"
The man went home to his wife and said to her. "Hey honey, here's a riddle for you. My mother had three kids, one was my brother, one was my sister, who was the third one?"
His wife was stumped and said, "I don't know, who?"
The man responded, "Believe it or not, some cab driver in New York."
Just a typical, Wednesday taxi ride...
Last Wednesday a passenger in a taxi heading for the airport leaned over to ask the driver a question and gently tapped him on the shoulder to get his attention.
The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb and stopped just inches from a large plate glass window.
For a few moments everything was silent in the cab. Then, the shaking driver said "Are you OK? I'm so sorry, but you scared the living daylights out of me."
The badly shaken passenger apologized to the driver and said, "I didn't realize that a mere tap on the shoulder would startle someone so badly."
The driver replied, "No, no, I'm the one who is sorry, it's entirely my fault. Today is my very first day driving a cab. I've been driving a hearse for 25 years."
-Credits to a friend, who has an internet-phobia.
A man decides he wants to try the Boston seafood specialty of scrod
A businessman arriving in Boston for a convention found that his first evening was free, and he decided to go find a good seafood restaurant that served scrod, a Massachusetts specialty. Getting into a taxi, he asked the cab driver, "Do you know where I can get scrod around here?" "Sure," said the cabdriver. "I know a few places... but I can tell you it's not often I hear someone use the third-person pluperfect indicative anymore!"
A man hails a cab...
...and gets inside. The driver starts, and decides to mess with the man a little bit. "I'm actually a spy you know" he says to his passenger. "Really?" The passenger says. "Yeah, you see the man on that bike? I need to take him down" He speeds up a bit and right when he's about to hit the bike messenger, he slows, just missing him. The driver then hears a thud, when the passenger says, "You missed him, but I got him with the door!"
The Taxi man.
Last Wednesday a passenger in a taxi heading for the airport leaned over to ask the driver a question and gently tapped him on the shoulder to get his attention.
The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb and stopped just inches from a large plate glass window. For a few moments everything was silent in the cab. Then, the shaking driver said "Are you OK? I'm so sorry, but you scared the living daylights out of me."
The badly shaken passenger apologized to the driver and said, "I didn't realize that a mere tap on the shoulder would startle someone so badly."
The driver replied, "No, no, I'm the one who is sorry, it's entirely my fault. Today is my very first day driving a cab. I've been driving a hearse for 25 years."
Joke
There was this guy at a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for a half hour. Then a big trouble making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, & just drinks it all down. The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a man cry." "No, it's not that," the man replies, wiping his tears, "This day is the worst of my life. First, I oversleep & I go in late to my office. My outraged boss fires me. When I leave the building to go to my car, I find out it was stolen. The police say they can do nothing. I get a cab to go home, & when I get out, I remember I left my wallet. The cab driver just drives away. I go inside my house where I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave my home, come to this bar, & just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up & drink my poison."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Wife takes husband to s**... club for his bday....
A wife decides to reward his good husband for his bday by taking him to a s**... club.
As they walk in the doorman says "welcome Mr. Howard", wife stares at husband with a surprised look, as they sit down the waitress comes over and says "scotch on the rocks Mr Howard", wife starts getting angry, the stripper comes out and starts her routine, as she gets to finale, she asked the audience "who gets the last one", the crowd yells "Mr Howard of course!!", wife gets up and leaves, as they get into the cab she lets the husband have it. The cab driver turns around and says "Mr Howard, you got a feisty one tonight~~"
A wife and husband were going out to dinner . . .
A husband and wife decided to go out to dinner one night. They were all ready to go, including putting out the cat, when the taxi cab arrived. But as they opened the door, the cat ran back inside.
The wife went to the cab to wait while her husband went back inside to find the cat. She didn't want the cab driver to know the house was empty, so she said, "My husband just went back inside to say goodbye to his mother."
The husband finally came back out and got in the cab. "Sorry I took so long," he said. "The old thing was hiding under the bed and I had to poke her with a broom to get her to come out."
A husband and wife were going out to dinner . . .
A husband and wife decided to go out to dinner one night. They were all ready to go, including putting out the cat, when the taxi cab arrived. But as they opened the door, the cat ran back into the house.
The wife went to the cab to wait while her husband went back inside to find the cat. She didn't want the cab driver to know the house was empty, so she said, "My husband just went back inside to say goodbye to his mother."
The husband finally came back out and got in the cab. "Sorry I took so long," he said. "The old thing was hiding under the bed and I had to poke her with a broom to get her to come out."
A blonde woman waves a cab
She asks the cab driver
"How much do you charge to drive me to the nearest airport?"
The cab driver answers
"Around 20 bucks"
The woman then says "I'm carrying luggage, do these get charged?"
Driver: "No, i don't charge for luggage"
The woman smiles, leaves her luggage in the cab and then says
"see you at the airport then, ill take the bus"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
This man was suspicious his wife was cheating on him...
... as she was leaving home at night, telling him she was going to visit some friends, he followed her. She left driving the family car and he took a cab.
Upon destination, the woman enters a w**... and the man is now sure - she is cheating and working as a p**... behind his back, it was time to settle things right.
This man asks the taxi driver: "hey, wanna make 100$ more? go inside that w**... and retreive my wife - tell her you are paying for s**... and deliver her to me, I'll wait here, at the cab"
A few minutes later the taxi driver comes out of the w**... carring a very upset woman over his shoulders and tucks her inside the cab, when the husband looks at this woman he says: "hey, that`s not my wife!"
so the cab driver responds: "I know! that's MY wife. I'm coming back there to get yours, keep an eye on her for me yea?"
So the pope coes to New York...
and flags a taxi. The taxi is extremely suprised to see the pope, and quickly ushers him into his cab. After a few minutes of silence, the pope says to the taxi driver "You know, being the pope, I've always have people drive me places, and I rarely get the chance to drive myself. Would you mind if I got behind the wheel for a little while?" Not wanting to say no to the pope, the taxi driver lets him drive. They get pulled over by the police soon after, since the pope was driving way over the speed limit. The officee walks up to the cab, is about to give them ticket, until he sees the pope. Not sure of what to do in this sitution, he calls his superior. "Sir, I just pulled over this guy for speeding, and he's *really* important. What do I do?" "Well who is the guy, the mayor?" "Nah, bigger than that" " Is he a movie star?" " No, way bigger than that" "Is he the president?" "No, he's bigger than that" "Well then who is he!?" "I dunno, but he's got the pope driving for him!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A blonde walks out of a hospital.
She hails a taxi. The cab driver noticed she had her hand bandaged. Striking up a conversation he asks how she injured her hand. The blonde looks up sheepishly and says, "I tried to commit s**...."
The cab driver is taken aback but looks at his passenger in the rearview mirror. "I'm glad you are okay but pardon me for asking; how did that affect your hand?"
The blonde takes a deep breath and starts her story. "I took a gun and put it up to one of ears, but then I got worried that I'd be scared of the noise when I pulled the trigger. So I put my hand up to cover my other ear."
Unexpected car wash...
So a guy in a pick up truck goes to a car wash, after a few minutes he gets waved in and starts to drive away. He looks back and sees a Spanish guy drying his rear window in the bed of his truck. He freaks out, swerves and a cop who sees all of this pulls him over. While the cop is walking up to the cab of the truck, the truck driver says "no one is going to believe this!" The Spanish guy looks up and says "NO! Juan will believe this!!!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My favourite taxi cab prank....
My favourite taxi cab prank.
First, approach the lead cab in a rank and ask if they can take you somewhere you want to go. However, explain that you don't have any money, but you will give them a b**... in recompense.
When they tell you to please, kindly, go away, walk to the next up the rank and ask the same.
Do this again at the third cab, and then at the fourth cab ask if they can take you to this place, but ask how much, when they tell you, agree and get in. Explain that the drivers in front didn't want to go to that part of town, or asked for too much.
As the cab pulls out and drives past the front three cabs, lean out the window, and give them all a big thumbs up and a wink.
What's Your Poison?
There was a guy at a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half of an hour.
Then, big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down. The poor man starts crying.
The truck driver says, 'Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a man cry.'
'No, it's not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I go late to my office. My boss is outraged and fires me.
When I leave the building to go to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police said that they can do nothing.
I get a cab to return home, and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away.'
'I go home, and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave home, and come to this bar.
And just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison.'
Terrifying Story
A guy in a taxi wanted to speak to the driver so he leaned forward and tapped him on the shoulder. The driver screamed, jumped up in the air and yanked the wheel over. The car mounted the curb, demolished a lamppost and came to a stop inches from a shop window. The startled passenger said "I didn't mean to frighten you, just wanted to ask you something." Taxi driver says "Not your fault Sir. It's my first day as a cab driver, I've been driving a hearse for the past 25 years".
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Why a cab driver screams and loses control of the car when his passenger taps him on the shoulder?
A taxi passenger taps the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question. The driver screams, loses control of the car, nearly hits a bus, goes up on the footpath, and stops centimeters from a shop window. For a second, everything goes quiet in the cab, then the driver says, "Look mate, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!" The passenger apologizes and says, "I didn't realize that a little tap would scare you so much. The driver replies, "Sorry, it's not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver. I've been driving a f**... van for the last 25 years."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Money-minded Cabbie!!
A guy is on a date with a girl, so he takes her to Lovers' Lane.
When they get up there, she says, ''I have to be honest with you -- I'm a h**....'' The guy thinks about this for a short time and says it's okay. He agrees to pay her $25, and they start having s**....
After they finish, the guy says, ''I have to be honest with you now. I'm a cab driver, and it'll cost you $25 for me to drive you back into town.''
The frightened taxi driver
Last week a passenger in a taxi heading for the Boston airport, leaned over to ask the driver a question and gently tapped him on the shoulder to get his attention.
The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb, and stopped just inches from a large plate glass window.
For a few moments everything was quiet in the cab.
Then, the shaking driver said, "Are you OK? I'm so sorry, but you scared the daylights out of me."
The badly shaken passenger apologized to the driver and said, " I didn't realize that a mere tap on the shoulder would startle someone so badly"
The driver replied, "No, no, I'm the one who is sorry, it's entirely my fault."
"Today is my first day driving a cab. I've been driving a hearse for 25 years."
So an atheist man lives in a over conservative Irish neighborhood...
... and calls a cab. The heavily accented cab driver says to him, "Before you get in, I gotta know your religion."
So he replied, "Oh, no, I'm an atheist, actually."
The cab driver stared at him a moment before asking, "Yeah, but is it the Catholic God you don't believe in or the Protestant one?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A woman and her son are in a cab
A woman and her 12-year-old son were riding in a taxi in Detroit. It was raining and all the prostitutes were standing under awnings. "Mom," said the boy, "what are all those women doing?" "They're waiting for their husbands to get off work," she replied. The taxi driver turns around and says, "Geez lady, why don't you tell him the truth? They're h**..., boy! They have s**... with men for money." The little boy's eyes get wide and he says, "Is that true Mom?" His mother, glaring hard at the driver, answers "Yes." After a few minutes the kid asks, "Mom, if those women have babies, what happens to them?" She said, "Most of them become taxi drivers."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A devout Muslim entered a cab in London
He curtly asked the cabbie to turn off the radio, because as decreed by his religious teaching, he must not listen to music, because in the time of the prophet there was no music especially western music, which is the music of the infidel.
The cab driver politely switched off the radio, stopped the cab, and opened the door. The Arab asked him, "What are you doing?" The cabbie answered,
"In the time of the prophet, there were no taxis, so get off and wait for a camel!"
Taxi driver
In the middle of the night, a guy hailed a taxi.
After a few hours, the guy in the taxi wanted to chat with the driver so he leaned forward and tapped him lightly on his shoulder.
The driver suddenly yelled , panicked, jumped up in the air and yanked the wheel over. The car mounted the curb, demolished a fire hydrant and stopped inches from a parked car.
The startled passenger said I didn't mean to frighten you, I just wanted to talk with you.
The taxi driver says It's not your fault sir. It's my first day as a cab driver…
I have been driving a hearse for the past 20 years."
A lorry driver is driving 200 penguins to London Zoo
when his lorry breaks down on the motorway. The driver gets out of the cab and is looking at the engine when a second lorry driver stops in front of him and asks if he needs help. The penguins' driver explains that he is taking the penguins to the zoo and asks if the other man would
take the penguins there. He agrees.
Some hours later, the 2nd lorry driver drives past the first one, who is still waiting on the motorway. The penguins are still on the lorry, and look happy.
"I thought I asked you to take those penguins to the zoo," shouted the first driver.
The second replied, "I did, but I had some money left, so we're going to the cinema now."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Israeli tourist
An Israeli tourist is visiting New York and hires a cab to drive him around the city. He engages the driver in small talk to get better acquainted.
"Where are you from?" he asks.
"I'm from Palestine" replies the cab driver, "and you?"
"I'm from Narnia."
"b**..., that place doesn't exist" says the cab driver.
"Well, you started it" says the Israeli.
An elderly lady takes a cab ride
When she gets to her destination the drìver says, "That'll be $15."
The old lady lifts up her skirt and says, "How about I pay you with this? "
"Aw jeez lady!" the driver says, "Don't you have anything smaller?"
A man gets off the plane
in a country he has never been before. He steps out the airport and hails a cab.
Once he's in and tells the address, the cabbie starts driving like a lunatic. The man starts grabbing his seat while the cabbie does dangerous movements.
When they come across a red light, and the cabbie doesn't stop, the man gathers up his courage to say "At least stop at the red light" in a soft voice.
Cabbie responds "manly drivers do not stop at red lights"
A little while later there is a green light at an intersection and the cab stops. Surprised the man asks "What kinda lunatic are you to drive past red lights and stop at green?"
Cabbie says "there are other manly drivers too"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A lawyer is parking his BMW...
A lawyer is parking his BMW outside a store in Manhattan, and as he opens his door to get out a taxi sides wipes his car taking the whole door off.
The lawyer hops out and starts screaming at the cab driver, "You idiot, you hit my brand new BMW, you ripped the whole door off! Do you have any idea how much this is going to cost? I'm a lawyer! I'll sue you so bad your grandchildren will feel it!"
The cab driver sighs and says, "You lawyers are all the same, only care about material things. Your door got ripped off, yet you didn't realize you also lost your arm."
The lawyer looks down to see his left arm missing, looks back and the cabbie and yells, "My Rolex!"
A passenger in a taxi tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him something.
The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb, and stopped just inches from a large plate glass window.
For a few moments everything was silent in the cab, then the driver said "Please, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me." The passenger, who was also frightened, apologised and said he didn't realise that a tap on the shoulder could frighten him so much, to which the driver replied: "I'm sorry, it's really not your fault at all. Today is my first day driving a cab. I have been driving a hearse for the last 25 years."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A little Tap on the Driver's Shoulder By the Passenger.
A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question. The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the footpath, and stopped centimeters from a shop window.
For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said, "Look mate, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!"
The passenger apologized and said, "I didn't realize that a little tap would scare you so much."
The driver replied, "Sorry, it's not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver – I've been driving a f**... van for the last 25 years."
A cab driver reaches the pearly gates. St. Peter looks him up in his Big Book and tells him to pick up a gold staff and a silk robe and proceed into Heaven.
Next in line is a preacher. St. Peter looks him up in his Big Book, furrows his brow and says, "OK, we'll let you in, but take that cloth robe and wooden staff."
The preacher is shocked and replies, "But I am a man of the cloth. You gave that cab driver a gold staff and a silk robe. Surely I rate higher than a cabbie!"
St. Peter responds matter-of-factly, "This is Heaven and up here, we are interested in results. When you preached, people slept. When the cabbie drove his taxi, people prayed."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Impact of Job Change!!
One day, A taxi passenger touched driver on his shoulder to ask something. Driver screamed, lost control of car, went up on footpath & stopped few inches from a shop.
The passenger apologised & said: "I didn't realise that a little touch would scare you so much"
Driver replied: Sorry it's not your fault, it's my 1st day as a cab driver, I've been driving a van carrying dead bodies from last 25 years.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
An UBER passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question.
The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the footpath, and stopped inches from a shop window. For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said, "Look mate, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!" The passenger apologized and said, "I didn't realize that a little tap would scare you so much." The driver replied, "Sorry, it's not really your fault. Today is my first day as an UBER driver – I've been driving a f**... van for the last 25 years."
She didn't realize tapping him on the shoulder would scare him
Last week a passenger in a cab, leaned over and tapped the driver to get his attention
The driver screamed and lost control, almost hit a bus and drove over a curb
For a few moments everything was quiet and then the scared shitless can driver asked if the women was alright
She said yeah but I didn't know a tap on the shoulder would scare you that badly
The driver said I'm sorry it was my fault, today is my first day as a cab driver, I've been driving a hearse for 25 years
A taxi driver picks up a woman from the airport who sits in the back as a passenger
The woman wanted to ask a question so she leans forward and taps the driver's shoulder to get his attention.
The driver gets startled so bad that he loses control of the cab, nearly hits a bus, swerves to barely dodge a light pole and finally halts near a glass bus stand.
The woman and driver both horrified stay paused for a few seconds then regain their mentality. The woman quietly says Oh my god, I'm so sorry I didn't think you would be startled like that , the driver looks back and says it's okay, I'm actually the one who is sorry, today is my first day driving a cab. For the past 25 years I've been driving a hearse
The fastest cab service in New York!
A man took a ny cab at night and the cab driver was speeding at exactly 100 mph and would not stop at red lights. Alarmed he asked the driver why and the driver said that it was a family business where they guaranteed the fastest service.
Oh ok..
So the man was shocked when at a green light the cab driver furiously slammed in his brakes!!!
Why would you stop so dangerously at a green light??? Asked the man.
Oh sorry man, I told you it was a family business. You never know when one of my brothers might be coming through.
A man is taking a taxi to the airport ...
when he realized he left his passport at home and must go back to get it. He reaches through the partition and gently taps the driver on his shoulder to get his attention.
The driver screams and losses control of the cab, jumping a curb, nearly hitting a tree and several pedestrians, finally coming to a stop inches away from a building.
For a moment the cab was silent until the passenger spoke up, "I'm sorry, I had no idea such a gentle tap would startle you so!".
"Oh no", replied the cabbie, "Its all my fault, this is my first day driving a cab, for the past 30 years I drove a hearse.".
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Why would you still take a cab instead of Uber?
Because I'm not going to ask my Uber driver where to get the best h**... in town .
3 drunk men get into a taxi...
3 drunk men get into a taxi. After listening to the instructions from the men, the driver realised that he could scam them easily. So he turned on the engine, revved it a bit and turned it off.
The first one paid, got out and walked away, the second walked out and threw up in the bushes, but to his horror, the cab driver saw the third man heading for the driver's side door, assuming the gig was up, the driver prepared to make a run for it.
Before he could, the man reached in and slapped him twice, and said in a loud voice,"next time don't drive so fast!".
(Apologies if I butchered the joke)
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A nun gets into a cab
The cab driver sees her in the backseat and says "I have always had a fantasy about nuns."
She answers "you and everyone else! Are you a Catholic?"
Driver says yes, so she tells him to pull over.
She hops in the front seat and gives him the best b**... he ever had. She gets done and the cabbie feels guilty and says "You know sister, I have to confess. I am not really Catholic."
"That's fine. My name is Ralph and I am going to a costume party."
A priest and a taxi driver go to heaven
While they're at the pearly gates God talks to them about their time in Earth. When he's done talking to the cab driver, he hands him a gold staff and a beautiful silk robe as he walks in
Once he's finished with the priest however, he hands him a wooden staff and a cotton robe. The priest says to God "excuse me, but you gave that cab driver a gold staff and a silk robe, but I only got a wood staff and cloth robe. There must be some mistake"
God responds, "No, I don't make mistakes. When people were riding with the cab driver, they prayed. When they were with you, they slept"
A drunk man walks out of the casino.
He stops a cab and asks the driver,
"Take me anywhere you want and I'll pay what you want"
The driver responds,
"Sure, pay me 50 dollars and stay where you are"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
An Egyptian man told me this joke
A man is riding in a cab in Egypt, when the car comes to a red light. Instead of slowing down, the driver accelerates and blows right through the red light.
"What the h**... are you doing?!", yells the man.
"Don't worry", answers the driver, pointing to his chest. "Egyptian driver here, I've got it all under control."
That doesn't really comfort the man but anyway, he keeps going along for the ride. The car then comes to a green light, and the driver stops.
"Now what the h**... are you doing?!", yells the man.
"Well, I'm watching for another Egyptian driver!"
A man catches a cab in a new city
A man lands in a new city and catches a cab to the hotel. As they approach a red light, the cab driver keeps going, not stopping.
Man asks what's going on?
Cab driver responds oh don't worry, my brother always runs through red lights.
They keep going, and the cab driver doesn't even slow down for a stop sign. Man yells what's the deal?, clearly furious.
Cab driver calms him down, reminds him my brother never stops at stop signs. Relax.
Up ahead the next light turns green. Cab driver slams on the brakes, bringing the car to a screeching halt. Man is furious and confused.
Before he can say anything, cab driver says have to be careful- my brother might be driving today!
