The Best 86 Buys Jokes

Following is our collection of Buys jokes which are very funny. There are some buys buyer jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud. Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these buys pays puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.

Funny Buys Jokes and Puns

A woman is buying groceries

A woman is buying groceries, she buys a banana, some milk and butter. At the checkout the clerk looks at her then the items in her basket and while scanning them says I can tell that you're single . The woman smiles and asks how can you tell and the clerk responds because you're ugly .

A woman buys a talking parrot that belonged to a brothel house before.She takes the parrot home:

"Oh, new brothel, new dames...cooool ".After a while the daughters come home. The parrot:" Oh, new brothel, new hookers...cooool. "After a while husband comes home. The parrot: "oh, new brothel, new hookers, old friends...hello Bob."

John buys binoculars and shows it to Bob. "Bob, this is the coolest thing ever. Last night I saw you doing you wife"

You can return it, it's broken. Last night I was out of town

Australian, Englishman and Irishman man are sitting in a Pub

Australian, Englishman and Irishman man are sitting in a Pub with cold beers and all are relaxed.

Aussie says "Great, but back home there is a bar where the barman buys you your 5th beer once you've bought your fourth"

Well, says the Englishman, "back in Manchester my local has a buy 2 and get one for free policy".

Aah! says the Irishman, "in Dublin there's a bar where you get free drinks as soon as you walk in and they keep them coming all evening.Then they take you upstairs and you get non stop sex all night".

"What, youve actually experienced this yourself"? asks the Aussie.

Well "no" says the Irishman "but me sister has"!

The pharmacist

Peter walks into a drugstore and asks the pharmacist for a pack of condoms. Paying for them, he bursts into laughter and walks out of the store.

The next day he comes in again, buys condoms, and walks out laughing.

Thinking this is somewhat strange, the pharmacist asks his assistant to follow the man if he comes back.

Sure enough, Peter comes in the next day and walks out laughing. This time assistant goes after him, returning 20 minutes later.

So did you follow him? asks pharmacist

Yup.

Where did he go?

Your house.


So an old lady's husband dies...

The old lady depressed and wants to kill herself goes to the doctor and asks him "Where is the heart located?" The doctor tells her it is under the left breast. The old lady goes to the gun store and buys a gun, goes home and puts the gun under her left breast and pulls the trigger. The old lady was soon admitted to the hospital with a bullet wound to her left knee.

So a man walks in to a CVS..

and he goes to the female cashier and asks how he can know what size condom he should wear. She tells him to step behind the counter, she unzips his pants, gives him a few tugs and says "Medium". He buys his condoms and tells his buddy "Hey, there's this girl at the CVS who can guess your condom size just by looking!". His buddy, being a 'skeptic' goes and checks it out. She follows the same routine and says "large". He calls his friend when he gets home and is ecstatic. His 14 year old brother overheard the conversation and decided to 'try it out' for himself. So he goes to the CVS and asks the cashier what size condom he is, she asks him behind the counter, gives him a few tugs and says "Clean up on register 5!".

**tl;dr - handjobs.**

A middle aged lady decides to revamp her sex life with her husband.

She asks her friends what she should do and the concensus is to get some sexy lingerie and surprise him. So she goes out and buys a lacy bra and crotchless panties. That night when her husband is in bed watching TV she appears in the doorway wearing the lingerie and says 'hey big boy! Fancy some of this?', he looks over casually, his eyes widen, he sits bolt upright in the bed and shouts 'fuck no! Look what it did to your panties!'.

nsfw Wife's New Panties

A frustrated wife buys a pair of crotchless panties in an attempt to spice up her dead sex life. She puts them on, along with a short skirt and sets on the sofa opposite her husband. At certain moments during the game, she would uncross her legs, just long enough for her husband to see. Finally after a number of times he asks "Are you wearing crotchless panties?" "Yesss." she says smiling seductively "Thank God." he says "I thought you were sitting on the cat."

Wife spices things up!

A wife, worrying about the state of her marriage, decides to spice things up in the bedroom by adding some costume play. She buys a sexy supergirl outfit and when her husband is in bed slips it on. She walks out, poses seductively and says "Superpussy". Her husband, not looking up from his crossword says "I'll have the soup thanks".

A blonde buys a gun.

A young blonde is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home early to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She pulls the gun from her purse and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself. Hysterically the blonde responds to the husband, ''Shut up...you're next!''

You can explore buys takes reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean buys acquisition dad jokes. There are also buys puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.


A man buys his wife a beautiful diamond ring for xmas.

After hearing about this extravagant gift, a friend of his said, "I thought she wanted one of those sporty four-wheel-drive vehicles."
"She did," he replied. "But where was I going to find a fake Jeep?"

Father buys a beetle farm for Jhonny one evening

Jhonny is so excited he keeps shouting "Beetle.. Beetle.. Beetle.." the entire night and next day. By evening next day the father is really irritated and says "BE SILENT!".

So Jhonny pauses for sometime and starts shouting "eetle.. eetle.. eetle.. "

Woman buys parrot

A woman walks into a pet store, and is perusing through the various animals when she comes across one of the most beautiful parrots she has ever seen. She's taken aback by the tropical beauty of this bird, and when she looks on the price tag on the cage it says 50$. The woman turns to the man at the front counter and asks "Why is a bird this beautiful being sold for this little?" The man looks up and says "Oh, that bird was originally kept in a house of prostitution, and boy does he have a mouth". The woman takes the words to heart but buys the bird anyway. She buys it, and takes it home with her. She puts the bird in the living room. Suddenly the bird squawks "NEW HOUSE NEW MADAME!" The woman is put off by this but she figures that in a few days the bird will get over it. Her daughters come home from school and the bird speaks again "NEW HOUSE, NEW MADAME, NEW GIRLS!" Again the woman is off put but she assures her kids that the bird will grow out of its old habits. The woman's husband gets back in from a day at work. The parrot takes one look at him and squawks:

"HI GARY!!"

Grocery Economics

A man and his economist friend are having lunch.

the man mentions that he's noticed something strange when he buys groceries each week. "I always buy a tub of margarine, but I've noticed that, even though it's the same price every time, there's less margarine in the tub. I can't figure out what's going on."

The economist friend nods with a knowing smile and responds "what you have there is a case of the Law of diminishing Margarinal returns."

A penguin notices his car is leaking fluid...

so he takes it to the closest garage. Mechanic says he'll check it out, and to come back in a half hour. The penguin sees a Dairy Queen, strolls over, and buys himself a vanilla cone. Being a penguin, without hands, he makes quite a mess, getting ice cream all over himself. When he gets back to check on his car, the mechanic looks up, shakes his head, and says, "Looks like you blew a seal." The penguin replies, "Na, it's just ice cream."

A Malaysian man buys a new phone...

He puts it on airplane mode. Now he cant seem to find it anywhere.

So a penguin is driving along one day...

... and has engine trouble. So he stops at an autoshop and they get to work on his car. It's a rather hot day, so he walks over to the convenience story and buys an ice cream cone.

As he's finishing the cone, the mechanic walks over to him and says "Looks like you blew a seal."

"No no!" he cries, "It's just ice cream!"

A man buys his wife a bottle of wine.

As she's drinking it, she stops and says, "I love you. I don't know what I'd do without you."

The husband, jokingly, asks, "is that you talking or the wine?"

She replies, "it's me talking... to the wine."


A guy buys some condoms...

A guy is buying a box of condoms at the store. After paying the clerk, the clerk asks him "Do you want a paper bag with that?" He replies, "Nah, she's not that ugly."

A teenager buys condoms for the first time...

The cashier says, "That'll be $9.95 plus tax.".

Horrified, the boy exclaims "I thought they stayed on by themselves!"

Thermos

A guy walks into a store and sees something. He asks what it is. "Why, it's a thermos." The clerk replies. "What does it do?" The man asks. "It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold." The clerk replies. "By golly, that's amazing!" The man replies. So he buys the thermos.

The next day he's walking down the street when he sees his friends. "What's that?" They ask. "Why, it's a thermos." The man replies. "What does it do?" The friends ask. "It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold." The man replies. "By golly that's amazing!" The friends exclaim, "what do you have in it?"

"Two cups of coffee and a popsicle."

Trumpets and Guns

In a small town, a man just opened a small store selling trumpets and guns.

One day his neighbor pays him a visit and says, "So how is your strange business going?"

"What do you mean strange?"

"Because you sell only trumpets and guns!"

"So?"

"Well, let me put it this way, what do you sell the most, trumpets or guns?"

"It evens itself out. Each time a customer buys a trumpet, one of his neighbors buys a gun."

A penguin's car breaks down

He pulls over to a shop owned by a walrus who tells him he'll look at it. The Penguin takes a stroll and buys a vanilla treat.

The Penguin gets back and the Walrus say

"Looks like you've blown a seal"

The Penguin wipes his chin and says..

"No, No, it's just ice cream."

A 70 year old man buys his wife a present

For their 50th wedding anniversary a 70 year old man buys his wife a see through night gown

The next day he goes back to the store and returns it

Cashier: I'm sorry you were unsatisfied with our product. May I ask what was wrong with it?

70 Year Old Man: It was all wrinkled

A Priest, an alcoholic and a Paedophile, walk in to a bar.

He buys a drink.

A man buys condoms at a drugstore ...

The cashier asks "You need a bag with this?"

and the man answers "No! She's not *that* ugly!".

EXTRA-LARGE CONDOMS

A woman asks the pharmacist if he sells extra-large condoms.
The pharmacist replies, "Yes, would you like to buy some?"
The woman says, "No, but do you mind if I stand here and wait to see if anyone buys a box?"

A mom buys an old parrot from a whorehouse..

A mom buys an old parrot in a whorehouse and proceeds to bring it home for the family to enjoy their new pet.

As she brings the parrot inside the house the parrot says "ah, new house!" and she bursts in laughter.

Later that day, the daughters arrive from school and promptly the parrot says "ah, new house, new prostitutes!" and they all burst in laughter.

Some time goes by, and after a long day of work the dad finally arrives home, and without wasting time, the parrot says "ah, new house, new prostitutes, same old customers. Good night Mr. Williams"

A guy buys a golf course...

It's doing well, but maintenance costs are killing him, so he decides to build 3 robots. They're instantly doing 10 times the work of humans, & he's happy. One day the club pro is teeing off in a money game & gets blinded by the glare from a robot. Its not the first time, & he tells the owner he must fix this issue. He thinks about it, & decides to simply paint the robots black. So the next day two of them don't show up for work & the third one robs the pro shop.

An older woman's husband dies during a bdsm session.

She decides to do something crazy with her life, and buys a Harley, gets a few tattoos, and goes out in search of the Hell's Angels.

When she finds them they give her an initiation test.
"You ever killed a man?" They ask.
"Yep" she says. "Killed my husband."
"You ever steal anything?" They ask.
"Oh all the time." She replies.

"You ever been picked up by the fuzz?"

"Sure have, and strung up by my nipples".

I'm writing a book called 'Stop Overreacting.'

If no one buys it I'm going to kill myself.

A guy walks into a flower shop

He buys beautiful, red flowers. As he's paying for them, the cashier winks at him and says "I hope these get you laid tonight".

The guy says "I hope not ... they're for my mom"

A dad buys a lie detector robot that slaps you if you lie.

Dad: Son, where were you at school hours?

Son: At school.

The robot slaps the son

Son: Okay I was watching KungFu Panda!

The robot slaps his son again.

Son: Okay I was watching violent movies!

Dad: What?! When I was your age I never watched those kinds of movies!

The robot slaps the dad.

Mom: Haha, after all, he is your son.

The robot slaps the mom...๏ปฟ

Psychic buys clothing

Employee: How about this one?

Psychic: That shirt is too small

Employee: You didn't even try it on

Psychic: I'm a medium

A priest, a theif, and a child molester enters a bar.

He buys a drink.

Username goes to the store.

He buys three oranges and goes to the till.
Username checks out.

A Buddhist buys a hotdog and gives the vendor a $20 bill..

He takes a bite and then says "wheres my change?"

The vendor replies "change only comes from within"

A man buys a Christmas tree.

As he goes to pay for the tree, the attendant says, "Are you putting the tree up yourself?"

The man replies, "Quit being disgusting. I'm putting the tree in my living room."

What's the difference

A man walks into a pharmacy, buys some antibiotics, pays $25.45, walks out. A second later, the pharmacist bolts out of the pharmacy, catches up with the man, and breathlessly says: "sir, there's been a mistake! Instead of the antibiotics, I gave you Cyanide. " The man asks: "and what's the difference?" The pharmacist says: "two dollars and ten cents".

A penguin brings his car into the shop

The mechanic says he needs an hour to check it out, so the penguin walks to 7-11 and buys an ice cream to kill the time. Since the poor guy's got no hands, he gets the ice cream all over his beak. When he's done he walks back into the shop, and the mechanic tells him "Well, it looks like you blew a seal." Penguin says "No, that's just a little ice cream"

A woman is suicidally depressed

She's quite obese, unattractive, and lonely. Life having dealt her a bad hand, she buys a pistol and resolves to end her own life.

Wanting it to be quick, she calls her doctor to ask him where the heart is.

"It's right under the left breast", he replies.

So she hangs up, takes a deep breath, and shoots herself in the knee.

A guy walks into a pharmacy buys a pack of condoms and walks out laughing

He does this every day consecutive for a week. Finally the pharmacy owner asks his assistant to follow the man the next time he returns. Sure enough the man returns the next day and walks out laughing once again. The assistant follows him and returns about half an hour later. When the pharmacist asked where he had followed him the assistant simply replied "your house".

A guy finally buys his dream car

... And on his first day of owning it, he gets caught speeding down the highway.

Pulling over, the officer walks up to the window and says "Son, I've been a cop for over 30 years, I've heard every excuse there is. If you come up with a new one I'll let you off with a warning."

The driver says "Well, to be honest sir, my wife recently left me for a state trooper, and when I saw your car, I was scared you were bringing her back."

A Chinese guy buys a well from a Jewish guy

The next day the Chinese walks up to the well; when the Jew runs up to him and shouts, "STOP! I sold you the well; not the water!"

The Chinese guy smirks and says "That's exactly why I'm here. How could you store your water in my well and not pay rent?!"

A guy walks into a pharmacy and buys a pack of condoms. The cashier asks him if he wants a bag.

He responds, "No, she's not that ugly."

A guy goes to the movies

He buys a ticket and goes in.

5 mins later he returns to buy another ticket.

Another 5 mins later again he asks for a third ticket.

The lady selling the tickets asks "Why do you keep buying tickets?"

"Because they keep ripping mine when I try to go in"

A guy meets a hooker in a bar

And buys her a drink. She says to him "For $300, I'll do anything you want as long as you can ask for it in 3 words." So he thinks about it for a minute, reaches into his wallet, pulls out three Benjamins, slaps them on the bar and says "Paint. My. House".

A guy walks into a bakery

He buys bread, and the baker asks if he'd like his bread bagged in paper or plastic. The guy replies, "Baguette however you want".

The toilet brush

A man walks into a store looking for a toilet brush. The store owner shows him a variety of brushes at various pricepoints. The man thinks for a little while, then buys the cheapest one.

The next day the man is back at the store. "Were you unhappy with your purchase?" asks the shopkeeper. "We have other models that might work better."

The man agrees and buys a little more expensive one.

The next day the man is back yet again. The shopkeeper, visually puzzled on how a toilet brush can be such a big deal, asks "What's the matter, didn't like the new one either?"

"Well" replies the man. "To be honest it *was* pretty effective. But I gotta say, I prefer toilet paper!"

A husband buys a dozen of panties of the same colour for his wife.

His wife protests: " Why the same colour, people will think i don't change my panties."

Husband asks" which people?

A son was arguing with his dad, insisting that 1+1 equals 11

The father then looked at his son's eyes and said:

-Right, then go and buy 2 popsicles!

His son then goes and buys 2 popsicles.

Then, his dad said:

-Now give me one and the other to your brother!

Son asks:

-What about mine?

Father answers:

-You can have the other nine left over, stubborn kid!

When I...

A man walks into a bar, orders a drink, and yells "When I drink, everybody drinks!". Everybody rushes to the counter and orders a drink.

After that, he orders another drink and yells "When I get another drink, everybody gets another drink!". Everybody rushes to the counter and orders another drink.

After finishing the drink, the man orders a sandwich and yells "When I eat, everybody eats!". Everybody rushes to the counter and orders food.

After eating the sandwich, the man buys a cigarette and yells "When I get a smoke, everybody gets a smoke!". Everybody rushes to the counter and gets a cigarette.

After smoking, the man pays $25 and yells "When I pay, everybody pays!"

Two women are having lunch on Valentine's Day

One says to the other "Do you and your husband have any romantic plans for tonight?"

The second scoffs "Oh, please. These days, he just buys me a half-dozen roses, and expects me to get on my back and spread my legs."

The first looks confused "Don't you have a vase you could put them in?"

A stupid person buys a lottery ticket for $1

To his delight, he won a million dollars. Going forward to claim his prize, he was informed that he will be paid in $1000 instalments. Appalled and shocked, he shouted to the register, give me my million dollars or give me my $1 back

Olympic condoms (nsfw)

A boyfriend buys Olympic colored condoms, and tells his girlfriend it's because there are 3 colors Gold, Silver and Bronze. He tells her "tonight i think i'll wear the gold" she replied "i wish you would wear the silver one". "Why?" the boyfriend asks. "It would be great if you came second for a change!"

Many people who get something that's incomplete will worry.

But the man who buys a guitar with no neck does not fret.

A dad buys a lie detector machine and waits for his son to come home

When the son comes home:

Dad - So you were at school right?

Son - yeah

Lie Detector - BEEP

Son - Okay, okay I was at the cinema with my friends

Lie Detector - BEEP

Son - ....I was having a few beers with my friends

Dad - What??? When I was your age I NEVER touched alcohol

Lie Detector - BEEP

Mom - Hahahaha! Well honey, he IS your son

Lie Detector - BEEP

Blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she goes out and buys a gun.

She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and when she opens the door she finds him in the arms of a redhead.
Well, the blonde is really angry. She opens her purse to take out the gun, and as she does so she is overcome with grief.
She takes the gun and puts it to her head.
The boyfriend yells, "No, honey, don't do it."
The blonde replies, "Shut up, you're next."

An Eskimo buys a fridge

An Eskimo buys a fridge. His fellow Eskimo wonders: "What for?". The happy fridge owner answers: "To warm myself up. -50 degrees outside. -5 inside the fridge".

If Facebook buys Gmail, instead of 'mark as read' the feature will be called,

'Mark has read'.

1 in 10 philosophers buys into egoism.

It's a Nietzsche market.

Show Off - A young businessman has just set up his own company.

A young businessman has just set up his own company. He rents an office downtown and buys some trendy furniture for it. Sitting behind his new desk, he suddenly sees a potential client come into the outer office. Wanting to appear busy, he picks up the phone and pretends that he's calling an important client. Offer them no more than $3 million! he shouts

down the phone. And tell them that if it isn't finished by next week, they won't get a penny! After hanging up , the man says to the visitor, "Hello? Can I help you?" And the visitor replies, Yes, I'm from the phone company. I've come to connect your phone line.

A programmer

A programmer is going to the grocery store and his wife tells him, "Buy a gallon of milk, and if there are eggs, buy a dozen." So the programmer goes, buys everything, and drives back to his house. Upon arrival, his wife angrily asks him, "Why did you get 13 gallons of milk?" The programmer says, "There were eggs!"

Father buys a lie detector that makes a loud beep whenever somebody tells a lie.

The son comes home in the afternoon. Father asks him, So, you were at school today, right? Son: Yeah. Detector: Beep. Son: OK, OK, I was in a cinema. Detector: Beep. Son: Alright, I went for a beer with my friends. Father: What?! At your age, I wouldn't touch alcohol! Detector: Beep. Mother laughs: Ha ha ha, well, he really is your son! Detector: Beep.

If Facebook buys Gmail....

If Facebook buys Gmail then the 'mark as seen' option would be changed to 'Mark has seen'.

Guy walks into a bar and asks the bartender, what's the WiFi password?

The bartender replies, you need to buy a beer first.

So the guy buys a beer, and asks again, what's the WiFi password?

The bartender replies, you need to buy a beer first, all lowercase, no spaces or punctuation.

So a guy buys a $5 hooker.....

They have sex and the next day the guys realizes he has crabs. The guy goes back the next day to complain and demand a refund

The hooker goes "It was only $5, what did you expect? Lobster?"

An old man is selling watermelons...

His pricelist reads: 1 for $3, 3 for $10

A young man stops by and asks to buy one watermelon.
"That'd be 3 dollars", says the old man.

The young man then buys another one, and another one, paying $3 for each.

As the young man is walking away, he turns around, grins, and says, "Hey old man, do you realize I just bought three watermelons for only $9? Maybe business is not your thing."

The old man smiles and mumbles to himself, "People are funny. Every time they buy three watermelons instead of one, yet they keep trying to teach me how to do business..."

A man buys a lie detecting robot that slaps people every time they tell a lie...

Dad: what were you watching?

Son: Kung-Fu Panda

*\*robot slaps son\**

Son: Ok! It was an erotic movie.

Dad: WHAT?! When I was your age i didn't even know what an erotic movie was

*\*robot slaps dad\**

Mum: HAHAHA!!! He's your son after all

*\*robot slaps mum\**

A woman is preparing a dinner for her parents and sends her husband out to buy some fresh snails.

The husband buys the snails then pops into the pub for a quick drink. One thing leads to another and he stays for a few rounds, so many in fact, that by the time he leaves it's nine in the evening. Realizing he's extremely late the husband runs home, pours the snails over the path leading to his house, then he rings the bell. His furious wife opens the door. 'Where the hell have you been?' she screams. The husband waves back to the snails, 'Come on, lads!' he shouts 'We're nearly there!'

A man goes to the grocery store and buys a banana, three peaches, and two pears.

As the cashier scans his food, she looks at it all and says "You must be single."

The man smiles and says "Yeah, how did you know?"

"Oh," she says, "Because you're ugly."

A man wins big...

*pardon if this is a repost*

A gig worker hits a convenience store on the way home, and buys some juice, a sausage croissant, and a scratcher. Once outside he scratches the card, and wins $400 dollars. The guy collects his winnings and heads home.

When he arrives, he asks his wife "What would you do if I won the lottery?"

She replies "I'd take half the money and leave you."

"Great! I just won $200 tonight, here's $100 -- enjoy your half."

A wife wants a fancy Porsche for her fiftieth birthday

She drops hints to her husband:

"You know we've had a really good year, heck, good decade, fiscally. For my birthday, I'm really hoping for something sleek, maybe baby blue. Something you can really step on and it'll go from 0 to 200 in like .2 seconds..."

The husband nods knowingly. So for her birthday, he buys her a scale.

And that's when the fight started...

Karens husband dies...

Karens husband dies. After a few days, she starts missing him, so she buys an Ouija board and contacts her husband.

Karen: Honey, can you listen to me?

Husband: Yes

Karen: Are you happy in afterlife?

Husband: Yes

Karen: Is it better than your life on earth?

Husband: Yes

Karen: Nice. So how's heaven?

Husband: Who said I'm in heaven?

A guy asks a girl to go to a dance.

Sheย agrees, and he decides to rent a suit. Theย rental has a long line, so he waits andย waits, and finally he gets his suit.

Heย decides to buy flowers, so he goesย to the flower shop. The flower shopย has a long line, so he waits and waits, untilย he finally buys flowers.

He picks up the girlย and they go to the dance. There is a long lineย into the dance, so they wait and wait.

Finally,ย they get into the dance, and the guy offersย to get the girl a drink. She asks for punch,ย so he goes to the drink table, and there isย no punch line.

A construction contractor buys a 10 foot Italian submarine sandwich to feed his crew

It gets delivered a little early, so he sets it out on a table and goes back to finish up the morning's work. By the time him and his crew get back to it, though, there's something wrong. Most of the middle sections are missing, and the two ends have been pushed together, making it only a 4 foot sandwich.

He turns to his crew and asks if anyone snuck in to eat the sandwich. One by one, they all shake their heads and deny any wrongdoing. He's at a loss until one of his guys points out that the company had hired an electrician to do a bit of wiring that morning.

"Of course!" the boss exclaims, "he's the subcontractor!"

A man walks into a store and buys a life time supply of condoms.

Only he doesn't know it.

A man buys a parrot but the only thing it does is insult the man...

After spending hours trying every possible solution to get it to shut up the man decides to put the parrot in the freezer. A few minutes pass and the parrot falls silent. Thinking he might of killed it the man opens the freezer and finds the parrot shivering but alive. S-s-sorry for i-i-i-insulting you s-sir. I p-p-promise I'll s-s-stop . The man takes the the parrot out of the freezer and after a few minutes the parrot shyly says i-if you don't mind m-me asking... w-what did the t-t-turkey do?

A man buys 2 books called "How to Solve 50% of your problem" so he could solve %100

His friend calls him a moron, saying,





"You could have read it twice!"

Trumpets and Guns

In a small town, a man just opened a small store selling trumpets and guns.

One day his neighbr pays him a visit and says, โ€ŸSo how is your strange business going?

โ€ŸWhat do you mean strange?

โ€ŸBecause you sell only trumpets and guns!

โ€ŸSo?

โ€ŸWell, let me put it this way, what do you sell the most, trumpets or guns?

โ€ŸIt evens itself out. Each time a customer buys a trumpet, one of his neighbors buys a gun.

A blonde man is convinced his wife is having an affair...

He buys a gun, comes home early from work, and sure enough there is his wife and another man, naked in bed. Without a word the blonde man pulls out the gun and blows the guy away. Looking his wife in the eyes he puts the gun to his head and starts pulling the trigger. No! No! Honey don't! The wife screams. The blonde man says Shut up! You're next!

Waiting and waiting and waiting...

A guy asks a girl to go to a dance. Sheย agrees, and he decides to rent a suit. Theย rental has a long line, so he waits andย waits, and finally he gets his suit.

Heย decides to buy flowers, so he goesย to the flower shop. The flower shopย has a long line, so he waits and waits, untilย he finally buys flowers.

He picks up the girlย and they go to the dance. There is a long lineย into the dance, so they wait and wait.

Finally,ย they get into the dance, and the guy offersย to get the girl a drink. She asks for punch,ย so he goes to the drink table, and there isย no punch line.

A ragged looking teen is begging for food on the street

A guy comes along and buys him a sandwich. He asks the kid, are you an orphan?

The kid replies, yes I am. What gave me away?

The guy says, obviously, your parents

Carolyn, a rich blonde, buys a new automatic Jaguar XKR Sport. She drives the car perfectly well during the day, but at night, it just won't move at all. After trying to drive at night for a week, with no luck, she furiously calls the dealers and they send out a technician to help...

He examines the car and finds nothing wrong with it, so he asks, "Ma'am, are you sure you are using the right gears?"

Full of anger, she growls, "How on earth you could ask such a question!? I'm not stupid you know! Of course I am using the right gears; I use D during the day and N at night."

If Johnny buys seventeen donuts every Monday and eats twelve of them each Wednesday, what is Johnny left with at the end of the year?

Diabetes

Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the buys shop jokes and puns are jokes supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, are mean or racist, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become bullying and inappropriate.

We suggest to use only working buys tells piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.

Joko Jokes