Buyin Jokes

Buying aspirin

Joe has always had an uncontrollable twitch in his left eyelid since young. Fred has a splitting headache and asks Joe to go get some aspirins. Half an hour later Joe comes back with a dozen packets of condoms.
"I asked you to get me aspirins, not condoms."
"Yeah, I went to a dozen drug stores, but have you ever tried asking for aspirin with a tic in your eye?"

So I was buying a ticket for a train from London to Paris...

And the man behind the desk said, "Eurostar?"
So I replied, "Well I've been on TV, but I'm no Johnny Depp!"

Why is buying a macbook like using a high end p**...?

Because you spend more but, at least you don't get a virus

So I was buying condoms at the store the other day...

...I went to the front to pay and swiped my card and everything. The cashier then says, "Do you want a bag with that?"
I reply with, "No, she's not THAT ugly."

I was looking into buying an invisible jacket.

So I tried one on in the shop and it fit me great, but after checking how I looked in the mirror I decided against it.
I just couldn't *really* see myself wearing it.

Looking into buying a saturn Ion sedan..

All the reviews I have read have been positive or negative.

Buying a new car and online dating are sort of the same thing...

You're looking for the youngest model with the least amount of miles on it.

You've been buying too many brake pads recently and it's a problem.

"No it isn't! I can stop whenever I want!"

I'm never buying a Labrador...

Havent you seen how many of their owners go blind?

Buying Muhammed dolls for charity, all prophets go to kids in need.

I'm never buying clothes for my kids again

Dang baby goats just eat everything!

Buying a car from Hertz is like marrying a p**...

It may look good on the outside, but you have no idea whose been in it or what they've done to it.

I'm never buying a fish fryer from Linkin Park ever again.

I fried so hard, and got sole far, but in the end it doesn't even batter!

I used to think buying land from Native Americans was a good idea.

Now I have reservations.

My priest's been buying tonnes of kittens lately...

I think he's a Cat-a-holic.

How to get out of buying your kids Christmas presents

Explain to them that due to Global Warming that the North Pole melted and that Santa and the reindeer drowned.

When buying a new bed, don't be too quick to make a decision

You've gotta sleep on it.

I'll be buying me some more condoms after this New Years Eve!

My old ones expire.

Buying yourself an Uber gift card is ironic.

Cause it's a free ride when you've already paid.

I'm not buying anything from any of Trump's or his family's businesses

Not a political statement, I just don't have any money.

Buying condoms

I was buying condoms at the store and the cashier asked if I wanted a bag. "No" I said, "She's not that ugly."