The Best 60 Buyin Jokes

Buying aspirin

Joe has always had an uncontrollable twitch in his left eyelid since young. Fred has a splitting headache and asks Joe to go get some aspirins. Half an hour later Joe comes back with a dozen packets of condoms.

"I asked you to get me aspirins, not condoms."

"Yeah, I went to a dozen drug stores, but have you ever tried asking for aspirin with a tic in your eye?"

So I was buying a ticket for a train from London to Paris...

And the man behind the desk said, "Eurostar?"

So I replied, "Well I've been on TV, but I'm no Johnny Depp!"

Why is buying a macbook like using a high end prostitute?

Because you spend more but, at least you don't get a virus

So I was buying condoms at the store the other day...

...I went to the front to pay and swiped my card and everything. The cashier then says, "Do you want a bag with that?"

I reply with, "No, she's not THAT ugly."

I was looking into buying an invisible jacket.

So I tried one on in the shop and it fit me great, but after checking how I looked in the mirror I decided against it.

I just couldn't *really* see myself wearing it.

Looking into buying a Saturn Ion sedan..

All the reviews I have read have been positive or negative.

Buying a new car and online dating are sort of the same thing...

You're looking for the youngest model with the least amount of miles on it.

You've been buying too many brake pads recently and it's a problem.

"No it isn't! I can stop whenever I want!"

I'm never buying a Labrador...

Havent you seen how many of their owners go blind?

Buying Muhammed dolls for charity, all prophets go to kids in need.

I'm never buying clothes for my kids again

Dang baby goats just eat everything!

Buying a car from Hertz is like marrying a Prostitute

It may look good on the outside, but you have no idea whose been in it or what they've done to it.

I'm never buying a fish fryer from Linkin Park ever again.

I fried so hard, and got sole far, but in the end it doesn't even batter!

I used to think buying land from Native Americans was a good idea.

Now I have reservations.

My priest's been buying tonnes of kittens lately...

I think he's a Cat-a-holic.

Buying things in South Africa

Is getting ridiculious. I had to buy some stockings for the girlfriend and they asked for my head size.

How to get out of buying your kids Christmas presents

Explain to them that due to Global Warming that the North Pole melted and that Santa and the Reindeer drowned.

When buying a new bed, don't be too quick to make a decision

You've gotta sleep on it.

I'll be buying me some more condoms after this New Years Eve!

My old ones expire.

Buying yourself an Uber gift card is ironic.

Cause it's a free ride when you've already paid.

I'm not buying anything from any of Trump's or his family's businesses

Not a political statement, I just don't have any money.

Buying condoms

I was buying condoms at the store and the cashier asked if I wanted a bag. "No" I said, "She's not that ugly."

Buying condoms

I was going over to my girlfriends so I stopped at the drug store to get condoms. I get to the counter and the cashier asks if I need a bag and I responded with nah don't worry about it she isn't that ugly.

I was buying a map of an expensive brand.

When I was looking at the Middle East, I noticed that the countries were improperly named. I thought, maybe its a cheap copy of the brand and not actually from that brand?

So I went up to the shopkeeper, pointed at the improperly named countries in the middle east, and said "Is this fake?"

The shopkeeper replied by saying "No, no, Israel."

Has anyone tried buying helium lately?

The price is really going up due to inflation...

I like buying my condoms like a ninja losing his virginity.

Fast and discreet.

Buying a lighter.

I really struggle to buy a lighters online, everytime I do it just gives me lots of matches.

I tried buying some frozen dates,

but the morgue was closed.

I'm done buying trash bags...

I always just end up throwing them away anyways

While buying condoms the cashier asked, "Do you need a bag?"

I said, "Nah, he isn't *that* ugly."

Buying bread.

There's this guy who goes and buys a loaf of bread right? And at the shop the employee asks the guy if he wants a bag or not.
The guy thinks a little while...and then says yes please, baguette.

I have been buying a lot of alcohol lately... I hope i am not becoming a

Shopaholic.

Everything about buying a new mattress has gotten me so stressed out.

I figured I'd sleep on it.

Buying earplugs was the best thing I bought...

It was a sound investment.

Although you may think you're buying Swedish Fish

you're really buying a bag full of Finns.

When I'm buying milk, the clerk always says "Do you want your milk in a bag?"

I always say "No just keep it in the carton."
I like to see who's awake at Target. :)

GF: Why are you buying a puzzle when you don't have brain to play it?

BF: Do I complain when you purchase bras?

Did you know that buying really old candy cost a lot of money?

Especially when they are in mint condition

That's it; I've given up on buying CDs and MP3s. From now on, I will only buy records.

And that's vinyl.

Oh so you're buying a book on colors?

I red it already.

While buying groceries I saw a guy smashing several boxes of Cap'n Crunch and Frosted Flakes on the ground for no reason,

Call me paranoid but I think he might be a cereal killer.

When buying a race car bed...

Always upgrade the tail pipe to a Fleshlight so when you hookup your hose, you only die a little.

I was buying bacon and condoms at Walmart with my wife

The cashier gave us a funny look. My wife says, We just wanna be safe when we pork.

If you think buying condoms is awkward,

Try returning them. I haven't been laid in forever :(

I'm buying my wife golf shoes for Christmas. She doesn't golf...

But she does wash my car and the driveway gets a little icy in the winter.

I tried buying tickets to a rap concert to see if the bank had processed the loan I requested on my account

They did not Post Malone.

So, there I was buying cheese in a deli.

Me: what would you recommend?

Deli person: *describing cheeses*
Mozzarella is smooth and melts well.

Me: sounds good .

Deli person: cheddar is good for sandwiches if you're looking for a sharp tang.

Me: awesome, noted.

Deli person: Pepper Jack is like Monterey Jack cheese but has delicious pepper chunks in it.

Me: weird flecks, but ok!

I'm considering buying a pair of stripper pants

Think I'd pull em off

After buying a new sail for my boat, Amazon told me it's too late to cancel my order.

That sail has shipped.

What do nun's get when buying cigarettes?

A bad habit.

I was buying the wife some underwear, I asked the shop assistant;

Are these knickers satin?"
"No she said, They're brand new...

Buying a hoarder a birthday gift has its ups and downs...

On one hand, they already have everything. On the other, they'll always cherish your present.

If you are buying smart water for $5 a bottle...

It isn't working.

whenever i think about buying a lottery ticket

i think about my ex and remember i don't know how to pick winners.

When buying crows for commercial use, always buy them in groups...

That way, you're guaranteed to make a killing.

Buying a bike

A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. "Whose bike is out front with a 'for sale' sign on it?" the guy asks the bartender. "It's mine," the bartender says. "Are you interested?" "What's the lowest you'll go on it?" the guy asks. "About 2 mph," the bartender replies. "Anything lower and you'll probably fall over."

Will buying a bigger bed...

give me more bedroom?

He kept buying more rackets, but stopped after he had nine.

Tennis too many.

I'm sorry, I won't be buying ingredients for soup anytime soon

The stock market is terrible