Buy Jokes

Following is our collection of cashier humor and clerk one-liner funnies working better than reddit jokes. They include Buy puns for adults, dirty seller jokes or clean purchase gags for kids.

There is an abundance of resell jokes out there. You're fortunate to read a set of the 84 funniest jokes on buy. Full with funny wisecracks it is even funnier than any acquire witze you can hear about buy.

The Best jokes about Buy

Me: What's the wifi password?

Bartender: You need to buy a drink first.

Me: Okay, I'll have a coke.

Bartender: Is Pepsi okay?

Me: Sure. How much is that?

Bartender: $3.

Me: There you go. So what's the wifi password?

Bartender: You need to buy a drink first. No spaces, all lowercase.

An old man is selling watermelons...

His pricelist reads: 1 for $3, 3 for $10

A young man stops by and asks to buy one watermelon.
"That'd be 3 dollars", says the old man.

The young man then buys another one, and another one, paying $3 for each.

As the young man is walking away, he turns around, grins, and says, "Hey old man, do you realize I just bought three watermelons for only $9? Maybe business is not your thing."

The old man smiles and mumbles to himself, "People are funny. Every time they buy three watermelons instead of one, yet they keep trying to teach me how to do business..."

The 13th Amendment makes it illegal to buy people.

Apparently, it doesn't apply to congressmen.

I was looking for a sofa to buy, and the salesman pointed to one and said, This one can seat three people without any problems.

I said, Where the hell am I going to find three people without any problems?

I went to the shop the other day to buy six cans of Sprite.

It was only when I got home that I realised I had picked 7 Up.


I can't believe that there is a sex offender registry.

Who would buy gifts for these people?

Yesterday, a beautiful girl asked me whether I wanted to watch a movie. She said, What do you want to see?

Me: You pick.

Her: You pick.

Me: I don't care which movie. You pick.

Her: Sir, there are people behind you in line waiting to buy tickets.

A woman is preparing a dinner for her parents and sends her husband out to buy some fresh snails.

The husband buys the snails then pops into the pub for a quick drink. One thing leads to another and he stays for a few rounds, so many in fact, that by the time he leaves it's nine in the evening. Realizing he's extremely late the husband runs home, pours the snails over the path leading to his house, then he rings the bell. His furious wife opens the door. 'Where the hell have you been?' she screams. The husband waves back to the snails, 'Come on, lads!' he shouts 'We're nearly there!'

Good ol'e USA

18: can I buy a bottle of wine?

USA: no that's illegal & irresponsible

18: can I go $50,000 into debt for education?

USA: we encourage it

I buy my guns from a guy named T-Rex

He's a small arms dealer.

I asked my grandfather for twenty dollars.

"Twenty dollars?!" he said. "For what?"

"To buy groceries," I told him.

"When I was a boy," my grandfather said. "My mama would give me one dollar, just *one dollar*, and I'd go to the store and come home with two loaves of bread, two sacks of potatoes, a carton of eggs, three bottles of milk, a can of coffee and a box of tea."

He shrugged and paused.

"Times have changed and ya can't do that now," he told me. "Too many fuckin' security cameras."


Pretty soon the only place you will be able to buy a Confederate flag will be the black market.

Oh the irony.

Businessman: How much will it cost to buy a large singing group? I need one for a party.

Lady: Do you mean a choir?

Businessman: Okay, fine. How much does it cost to acquire a large singing group?

An attractive woman asked me if I wanted to see a movie yesterday.

She said what would you like to see.
I said you pick.
She said you pick.
I said I don't care you pick.
She said, Sir there are other people waiting in line to buy tickets.

What do Jewish pedophiles say?

Hey kid, want to buy some candy?

Why did the Stormtrooper buy an iPhone?

Because he couldn't find the Droid he was looking for.

The best part about being an abortionist..? [NSFW]

I haven't had to buy dog food in a long, long time.

I saw a TV for sale for 1$

I saw that the TV was in very good condition.

"Why is it so cheap? " I asked the seller

"The volume is stuck at max, and it can't be turned down" he replied

"So everything else works?" I asked

He turned it on, and sure enough everything worked, except the volume


"So you're gonna buy it?"

"A TV for $1? Can't turn it down"

I used my stimulus check to buy baby chickens

Money for nothing, and the chicks for free


Girl: What are your plans for today?

Boy: Me and a friend of mine are going to buy some glasses.

Girl: And after that?

Boy: And after that we'll see.

There should be a millennial edition of Monopoly

where you just walk around the board paying rent, never able to buy anything.

A guy walks into a bar and sees a bunch of meat hanging on the wall.

He sits down and asks the bartender what the deal is with the meat. Bartender says the deal is if you want a free drink you gotta jump up and touch the meat but if you miss, you buy a round for the bar. The guy takes another look at the meat and the bartender asks if he's in. No, says the guy the steaks are too high.

Two lesbians named Rachel walk in to a bakery...

To buy a cake for their upcoming wedding. After learning that the cake will be for their own wedding, the baker refuses service. Offended, the couple can't believe the guy is so opposed to gay marriage that he won't even bake a cake. The baker replies, "No no I'm fine with gay marriage-- I just can't support inter-Rachel marriage."


(posted before but I felt it was an appropriate time for it to rerun.)

A programmer

goes to do groceries. His wife tell him:

-- Buy a loaf of bread, and if they have eggs, buy a dozen.

He comes back with thirteen loaves of bread.

-- But why?, she asks.

-- They had eggs.

I went to the store to buy condoms last night.

The cashier asked, "Do you want a bag?"

I replied, "No, she's not that ugly."

A Blonde and Condoms

The most beautiful blonde woman you've ever seen walks into the drugstore. She walks to the pharmacy and asks if they sell Extra-Large condoms, the cashier says yes and points her down aisle 11. About 30 minutes go by and the pharmacist notices that the blonde is still looking at the condoms. He decides to see if she needs any help. He says, "Did you find the extra large condoms?" She responds, "Yes, now I'm just waiting for someone to buy some."

Let me tell you how I became a millionaire: First, I...

...bought one apple for a dollar with my savings. Then I went out on the street and sold it there for two dollars. With the two dollars I bought two apples for 1$ each and again sold them for 2 dollars each. Now I've had 4 dollars and was able to buy 4 apples, which, you may have guessed, I sold for 2 dollars each. Now I've had 8 dollars and I bought 8 apples and so on and so on...

A few days later my aunt died and I inherited her assets.

..Trump said "Buy american, Hire american"

Standing on an Ikea podium from *Sweden*, behind bullet proof by Saint Gobain Glass from *France*, smiling at a 4K Sony *Japanese* Video camera, speaking into a Dolby Sennheiser *German* microphone, with vigorous hand gestures giving a glimpse of a Rolex under the cuff made in *Switzerland*

he patriotically said ..*"Buy American, Hire American, Stop Immigrants".* while standing beside a *Slovenian wife*

Cigarette warnings should also include how dangerous it is just going to purchase a package...

My dad left 19 years ago to buy some and he still hasn't made it back.

My girlfriend is mad because I keep getting free drinks around town by saying I'm engaged

She said "Why is it that every time you say your engaged people congratulate you and buy you a drink, but when I say it they charge me double?"

I told her that when she says it they expect to see a ring but when I say it they expect to see an empty wallet

Me: What's the WiFi password?

**Bartender:** You need to buy a drink first

**Me:** Okay, I'll have a coke.

**Bartender:** Is Pepsi okay?

**Me:** Sure, how much is that?

**Bartender:** $3.

**Me:** There you go. So what's the WiFi password?

**Bartender:** You need to buy a drink first. No spaces, all lowercase.

Walter White decided to buy a pizza for his son

Walter: Hey son I bought you a pizza so you can share it with your friends.

Flynn: Thanks dad, how much do I owe you?

Walter: It's on the house.

A wife asks her husband, Could you please go shopping for me and buy one carton of milk and, if they have avocados, get six.

A short time later, the husband returns with six cartons of milk.

Why did you buy six cartons of milk? the wife asks.

He replies, They had avocados.

A man walks into a bar and orders ten shots of whiskey.

The bartender asks what is the occasion.

The man replies 'his first blowjob'

The bartender congrats him and offers to buy him another shot

The man says that is unnecessary, if ten shots doesn't get the taste out of his mouth, one more won't make a difference.

A beautiful blonde woman approaches a pharmacist and asks, "Do you have extra large condoms?"

The pharmacist replies, "Yes, isle 11."

The blonde goes to the isle. But about 30 minutes later she is still looking at the condoms. The pharmacist calls over to her, "Do you need some help?"

The woman replies, "No, I'm just waiting for somebody to buy some."

How many Congressmen does it take to change a light bulb?

Better buy a flashlight

A man goes to buy a Ferrari...

but he was short of $1.

He saw a homeless man and said "Can you give me a dollar, I have to buy a Ferrari."

The homeless man gave him two dollars and said "Get one for me too."

Why did the EA executive cross the road?

Buy the DLC to find out!
Alternate ending available if you purchase the season pass!

The power of Pepsi

So a couple of friends of mine, one black, one white were at a protest and wondered which carbonated drink makes the police the most peaceful. Turns out it really is Pepsi. You see, my white friend went up to the front of the protest and shouted to the cops "Anybody wanna buy some Pepsi?!" and the cops were all chill and happy, some even bought a can or two. But then my black friend went up to the front and shouted "Anybody wanna buy some coke?!"

I'm going to buy a 6k monitor for 2018

It's my new year's resolution.

Horrible joke

So a guy is in a bar when the woman across from him sneezes and her glass eye flies out. The man catches it and hands it back to the woman. The woman says "thanks" and then offers to buy him a drink.

The woman then offers to drive him home. On the way to his house, the man asks "Are you always this nice to men that you meet?" and she says "No, you just happened to catch my eye"

Every family has that weird, slightly perverted uncle.

Not me, though! I just have some really hot nieces who won't let me buy them beer.

If you buy a goat for $10 and named him Mohammed, then sell it for $15.

Did you make a prophet?

I had a job interview...

...the interviewer slid his laptop across the table and said "sell this to me."

I closed the screen, unplugged it, and left.

I ignored his calls for about three hours. When I did answer, he said "Where is my laptop?!"

"You wanna buy it?"

Nerd joke

A photon walks up to an airline counter to buy a ticket and the clerk asks "any baggage to check?" The photon replies "No, I'm traveling light."

The other day I decided to buy a Ouija board, so I could get in touch with deceased celebrities that havent crossed over yet,

The only celebrity I could get in touch with was Stephen Hawkings.

I asked him a few questions including why he was a ghost and not gone to the after life yet.

Turns out Led Zeppelin was right all along,

there is a stairway to heaven.

A programmer goes shopping

A room mate asked his friend who is a programmer to go shopping.

"hey, can you buy a bottle of milk? Oh and if they have eggs, buy 12"

So the programmer went shopping.

When he got back, he bought 12 bottle of milk and his room mate asked

"why the heck did you bought 12 bottle of milk?!"

The programmer responded.

"they have eggs"

EXTRA-LARGE CONDOMS

A woman asks the pharmacist if he sells extra-large condoms.
The pharmacist replies, "Yes, would you like to buy some?"
The woman says, "No, but do you mind if I stand here and wait to see if anyone buys a box?"

A Woman goes to buy a Parrot. The prices are $100, $200, and $15. She asks why the last one is so cheap?

"Because this stupid parrot keeps reposting crappy jokes" said the pet store employee.

A teenager, who just turned 18, desperately wants a car.

His mother tells him to buy one himself. A chemistry student himself, he finds an effective money-making strategy. Every day, he would sell mixtures of Rhenium, Phosphorus, Osmium, and Tennessine, and he was earning a lot from the sales. Curious, his mother asks him about the mixtures.

The teen replied: RePOsTs are the fastest way to car, Ma.

Marriage joke

My husband and I couldn't decide which jacket to buy our granddaughter, so we asked the young salesman.

If you were buying a jacket for your girlfriend, I said, what would you get?

A bulletproof one, he said. I'm married.

Around 80% of all Asians that move to America get cataracts.

The remaining 20% usually buy chevrorets, rexus, or rincoln. Some even get rand lover.

My son wanted me to buy him GTA

When I got to the store, I couldn't remember the title. So I told the guy "it's the game where the black guy drives cars round drunk, and shags loads of women"

He gave me a copy of tiger woods PGA golf

A programmer went to a store to pick up some groceries

As he was leaving the house his wife said: "While you are there, buy some milk". He never came back.

Jesus wants you to give him your soul

Whereas satan is willing to buy it off you.

if you've ever wondered what it'd be like to be married ...

Find a woman who doesn't want to have sex with you, and buy her a house.

I told my friend people keep accidentally asking me to buy meat for them.

He asked: "By mistake?"

I said: "Oh come on, not you too!"

Why did the gamer cross the road?

Buy the DLC to find out

"Dmytry! I take my hat off to you!"

"You and Sarah have been married for 50 years, whenever I see you walking around town you are still holding hands!
Well." Dmytry began

"If I let her go she will surely buy something!"

Translated from Russian, sorry if I made mistakes.

A man walks into a tailor to buy a tuxedo. He confidently tells the tailor he doesn't need any assistance. The tailor says…

... "Fine. Suit yourself."

A computer programmer's wife sends her husband to the store.

She says, "Buy a loaf of bread. If they have eggs, get a dozen."

An hour later, he returns home with twelve loaves of bread. She asks,

"Why did you get twelve loaves of bread?" Her husband replies,

"Because they had eggs."

I told two twins their matching outfits are cute...

"Did your mom buy you matching clothes?" I asked politely.

To which they answered, "We're not twins and could we see your license and registration please."

Why is CoD: Infinite Warfare set in space?

Because no one on earth wants to buy it.

Teacher: What do you do after school?

1st Student: I go and buy weed from Yakobo
2nd Student: I always go and buy cigarettes from Yakobo.
3rd Student: I go and buy cocaine from Yakobo.
4th Student: I always stay at home and do my homework.
Teacher: You are a great student, I hereby appoint you as the class monitor. You are a good example to other students. What's your name?
4th Student: Yakobo

Don't buy Colgate whitening toothpaste!

It says guaranteed whiteness in 14 days.

It's been 2 weeks and I'm still Asian.

A hot girl asked me if i wanted to watch a movie

Yesterday, a hot girl asked me if I wanted to see a movie

She asked, "What would you like to see?"

I said, "You pick".

She said, "You pick".

I said, "I don't care, you pick".

She said, "Sir, there are other people waiting in line to buy tickets."

I went to buy some condoms today, and I said to the pharmacist, 'Excuse me, I need some condoms.'

He said, 'Just a minute.'

And I said, 'Yep, that's my brand.'

Sure, I could agree with you....

Buy why should we BOTH be wrong?

Went to the store to buy 6 cans of Sprite...

Got back to the office and realized I had picked 7 up.

A man needs WiFi at the local pub.

A man goes into a local pub and has poor cell signal.

He asks for the WiFi password.

The bartender replies: You need to buy a drink first.

The man says fine and orders a Coke, which costs him $3. He then asks again, what's the WiFi password?

The bartender answers: You need to buy a drink first, all lowercase no spaces.

A programmer and his wife are reviewing their grocery list.

She says, We're out of bread. Please go the grocery store and buy one. And if they've got eggs, get six.

After a while, he's back with six loaves of bread.

The wife asks, Why did you buy 6 loaves of bread?

He replies, They had eggs.

I once went to the liquor store at the corner riding my bike

I meant to buy a bottle of whisky

On my way back home I felt like I could fall off my bike and end up breaking the bottle of whisky

So I decided to drink it all at once right there

It was the best decision of my life because on my way back home I fell off my bike like 8 times.

A son was arguing with his dad, insisting that 1+1 equals 11

The father then looked at his son's eyes and said:

-Right, then go and buy 2 popsicles!

His son then goes and buys 2 popsicles.

Then, his dad said:

-Now give me one and the other to your brother!

Son asks:

-What about mine?

Father answers:

-You can have the other nine left over, stubborn kid!

A programmer goes on a walk

A programmer goes on a walk. Before he leaves the house his wife tells him: "While you are outside, please buy some bread."

He never returned.

A man walks into a Bar.

A man walks into a bar and sees a very attractive woman sitting by herself and asks, May I buy you a cocktail?

"No thank you," she replies, "alcohol is bad for my legs."

"Sorry to hear that. Do they swell?"

"No, they spread."

What do sex and pizza have in common?

It's not very good when you buy it from a gas station.

They say Magnum condoms are only good for big schlongs

I don't buy it

So a guy walks into a bar and sees three steaks taped to the ceiling....

He then asks the bartender why are there three steaks taped to the ceiling? The bartender says well you get one shot, if you jump up and touch one of the steaks then you get free drinks for the rest of the day, however if you miss, you must buy everyone else's drinks for the next hour. The guy ponders for a minute and then says, I would do it, but the stakes are too high.

I never thought I'd buy into Feng Shui

But oh how the tables have turned.

I told my wife she had to buy me a fathers day present.

I mean, why should I suffer just because she had a miscarrage?

My wife came home with four cases of beer, three boxes of wine, two bottles of whiskey and two loaves of bread.

"Are we expecting guests?" I asked.

"No," she replied.

"Then why did you buy so much bread?"

A woman asks her husband, a programmer, to go shopping.

Wife: Dear, please, go to the nearby grocery store to buy some bread. Also, if they have eggs, buy 6.
Husband: O.K., hun.

Twenty minutes later the husband comes back bringing 6 loaves of bread. His wife is flabbergasted.

Wife: Dear, why on earth did you buy 6 loaves of bread?
Husband: They had eggs.

My wife said "If we ever win the lottery, I want you to buy me something compact, shiny, and can go from 0 to 200 in three seconds. I figured why wait, so surprised her that night.....

... with a shiny new bathroom scale.

A hot girl asked me whether I wanted to see a movie.

She said, "Which movie would you like to see?".

I said, "You pick".

She said, "No you pick".

I said, "I don't care, you pick".

She said, "Please decide fast sir, there are other people waiting to buy tickets".

[A forward that I received from my SO today]

Use only working piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Note that dirty and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. You can seriously offend people by saying creepy dark humor words to them.

Joko Jokes