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Buy Jokes

140 buy jokes and hilarious buy puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about buy that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

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jokes about buy

Best Short Buy Jokes

Short buy puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The buy humour may include short discount jokes also.

  1. If Facebook buys Gmail, instead of 'mark as read' the feature will be called, 'Mark has read'.
  2. How do you buy a kitten when the pet store is closed? (Joke from my 10 yr old) You order it from the Cat-alogue
  3. How many apple engineers does it take to change a lightbulb? None. They no longer make that socket, you just buy a new house.
  4. I went to the shop the other day to buy six cans of Sprite. It was only when I got home that I realised I had picked 7 Up.
  5. A computer programmer goes to buy some bread. On his way out, his wife says, "and while you're there, get a carton of eggs".
    He never returned.
  6. I can't take my dog to the pond anymore because the ducks keep attacking him.. Guess that's what I get for buying a pure bread dog...
  7. If you buy a man a plane ticket, he will fly for a day… If you push a man out of a plane, he will fly for the rest of his life
  8. A man is buying a banana, an apple and two eggs. The female cashier says: "You must be single." The man answers: "Wow, how did you know?"
    cashier: "Because you're ugly."
  9. Pretty soon the only place you will be able to buy a Confederate flag will be the black market. Oh the irony.
  10. I said to the woman at the deli, I'd like to buy a corned beef and pastrami, with pickles. She replied, Sorry..." "We only take cash or card.

Make fun with this list of one liners, jokes and riddles. Each joke is crafted with thought and creativity, delivering punchlines that are unexpected and witty. The humor about buy can easily lighten the mood and bring smiles to people's faces. This compilation of buy puns is not just entertaining but also a testament to the art of joke-telling. The jokes in this list are designed to display different humor styles, ensuring that every reader at any age finds something entertaining. Constantly updated, they offer a source of fun that ensures one is always smiling !

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Buy One Liners

Which buy one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with buy? I can suggest the ones about cashier and clerk.

  1. I tried to buy a Mortal Kombat soundtrack. All I could find were Finnish Hymns.
  2. Batman: *buys catwoman a drink* Catwoman: *slowly knocks it off of the table*
  3. I buy my guns from a guy named T-Rex He's a small arms dealer.
  4. Did you hear Jeff Bezos is buying Crunchyroll? He is renaming it to amazon Weeb Services.
  5. I used my stimulus check to buy baby chickens Money for nothing, and the chicks for free
  6. Why didn't Trump buy anything when he went to the UK? He only had one Pence
  7. I completely misunderstood Pride month… Anyway, who wants to buy 12 lions?
  8. If I buy 8 bitcoins... Does that mean I have one bytecoin?
  9. How many Congressmen does it take to change a light bulb?
    Better buy a flashlight
  10. I'm going to buy a 6k monitor for 2018 It's my new year's resolution.
  11. I got in touch with my inner self once... Never buying single ply toilet paper again.
  12. Jesus wants you to give him your soul Whereas satan is willing to buy it off you.
  13. Black Friday sale on Star Wars Battlefront 2 Save up to $2160 by not buying it
  14. Why did the gamer cross the road? Buy the DLC to find out
  15. If you ever feel lonely, buy stocks. You will have company

Buy A Car Jokes

Here is a list of funny buy a car jokes and even better buy a car puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • Bought my wife a beautiful big diamond ring. She asked, "Why didn't you buy me a new car ?"
    I told her, "They don't make fake cars."
  • Why do blondes prefer to buy cars with sun roof? Because there's more leg room.
  • When one door closes another one opens That's all well and good , I told the car dealer, but I'm not buying the car until you fix it!
  • What type of car does a Mandalorian buy from the used car lot? The Best Car.
  • Son asks his father (a bitcoin miner) to give him 1 Bitcoin for birthday. Father replies: "Son! 20485$ is much cash! Why do you even need 18572$? For 21568$ You can buy a good car!"
  • Money cant buy you happiness. But I'd rather have my tears hit designer Bugatti leather than the composite foam in my car.
  • An 18 year old in America is allowed to buy an AR-15, vote, enlist in the army, buy cigarettes, get a lottery ticket, and die for their country... ...but god FORBID they try to rent a car.
  • How do you help a mathematician buy a new car? Cosine
  • My father died recently and I came into a bunch of money. I decided to buy a car and pay cash... and the man at the dealership asked me, "Why are all these bills so sticky?!"
  • Why do black people buy old police cars? They never got to ride in the front seat.

Panic Buy Jokes

Here is a list of funny panic buy jokes and even better panic buy puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • All this panic buying has led me to using alternative methods for toilet paper... Last week was tree leaves this week it's lettuce. And that's just the tip of the iceberg!
  • In Germany everybody is panic buying sausages and cheese. Apparently it's the wurst käse scenario.
  • Meanwhile in Glasgie People are panic buying nail polish, shoe polish, and even furniture polish.
    There seems to have been a wee misunderstanding about which polish won't be in the UK soon.

Buy Practical Jokes

Here is a list of funny buy practical jokes and even better buy practical puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • My wife opened one of her birthday presents early, saying that it was "practically screaming out at her" That's the last time I buy her an orphan
  • Why did the black man buy 4 boxes of condoms? Because he practices safe s**... and they were on sale.

Websites That Buy Jokes

Here is a list of funny websites that buy jokes and even better websites that buy puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • You can buy, sell, or swap just about anything on the Gumtree website. I recently got a motorbike for my wife Good trade, would recommend, 10/10
  • Why did Spider-Man buy a computer? So he can create his own websites
  • I had to wake up at 3am to buy concert tickets on a sketchy website. The early bird gets the worm.

Comedians Who Buy Jokes

Here is a list of funny comedians who buy jokes and even better comedians who buy puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • A short joke. If a former 80's Russian comedian went out and bought some off-brand v**.... Would that be Yakov Smirnoff buying knock-off Smirnoff?

Witty Buy Jokes for Laughter-Filled Fun with Friends

What funny jokes about buy you can tell and make people laugh? One example I can give are clean seller jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help make buy prank.

Me: What's the wifi password?

Bartender: You need to buy a drink first.
Me: Okay, I'll have a coke.
Bartender: Is Pepsi okay?
Me: Sure. How much is that?
Bartender: $3.
Me: There you go. So what's the wifi password?
Bartender: You need to buy a drink first. No spaces, all lowercase.

An old man is selling watermelons...

His pricelist reads: 1 for $3, 3 for $10
A young man stops by and asks to buy one watermelon.
"That'd be 3 dollars", says the old man.
The young man then buys another one, and another one, paying $3 for each.
As the young man is walking away, he turns around, grins, and says, "Hey old man, do you realize I just bought three watermelons for only $9? Maybe business is not your thing."
The old man smiles and mumbles to himself, "People are funny. Every time they buy three watermelons instead of one, yet they keep trying to teach me how to do business..."

A farmer goes to the market to sell his horse for $2000, and a man buys it from him.

The farmer says he'll deliver it to to man in 1 week's time, but halfway through the week the horse dies.
The farmer offers to refund the man's money, but the man chooses to buy it anyway.
The next week the farmer sees and asks the man what he did with the dead horse.
The man says 'Oh I held a lucky draw, $50 for a chance to win a horse. 100 people entered, and I collected $5000.
The farmer, shocked, asks 'But wasn't anyone upset with the horse?' The man replies
'Oh yes, only the winner, but I refunded him his $50.'

The 13th Amendment makes it i**... to buy people.

Apparently, it doesn't apply to congressmen.

I was looking for a sofa to buy, and the salesman pointed to one and said, This one can seat three people without any problems.

I said, Where the h**... am I going to find three people without any problems?

Every day in Moscow, people buy newspaper, glance at front page, throw straight in trash.

Every day, same. People buy newspaper, look front, throw in trash.
Newspaper seller ask one day, "Why you do that? Why you not read inside newspaper?"
Man respond, "I check obituary"
"But obituary not on front page. Is on back page"
"Putin obituary be on front page"

A man walks into a brain store to buy a new brain

He goes to the clerk and says
"Hello, I'd like to purchase a new brain".
The clerk replies with "Sure, here are some of our brains we have on sale"
"Here's the brain of a physicist, 5 dollars."
"Here's our second deal for today. The brain of an anti-vaxxer, 10,000 dollars".
The man, completely confused, asks "Why is the brain of an anti-vaxxer more expensive than of a physicist?"
"Because it's never been used" The clerk replies.

A kid is selling lemonade…

The boy's sign reads 1 cup for 25¢, 3 cups for $1
A construction worker stops by and asks to buy one cup of lemonade.
"25 cents", says the kid.
The construction worker then buys another one, and another one, paying 25 cents each.
As the construction worker walks away, he turns around with a smile, and says: "Hey kid, you realize I just bought three cups for 75¢… Maybe lemonade stands aren't your thing."
"I guess you're right" says the kid good-naturedly as he sets up the next 3 cups.

I can't believe that there is a s**... offender registry.

Who would buy gifts for these people?

Yesterday, a beautiful girl asked me whether I wanted to watch a movie. She said, What do you want to see?

Me: You pick.
Her: You pick.
Me: I don't care which movie. You pick.
Her: Sir, there are people behind you in line waiting to buy tickets.

A woman is preparing a dinner for her parents and sends her husband out to buy some fresh snails.

The husband buys the snails then pops into the pub for a quick drink. One thing leads to another and he stays for a few rounds, so many in fact, that by the time he leaves it's nine in the evening. Realizing he's extremely late the husband runs home, pours the snails over the path leading to his house, then he rings the bell. His furious wife opens the door. 'Where the h**... have you been?' she screams. The husband waves back to the snails, 'Come on, lads!' he shouts 'We're nearly there!'

Good ol'e USA

18: can I buy a bottle of wine?
USA: no that's i**... & irresponsible
18: can I go $50,000 into debt for education?
USA: we encourage it

A little girl was walking home from school when a man on a motorcycle pulled up beside her.

Man: Hey little girl, want to ride on the back of my motorcycle?
Girl: No.
Man: Come on sweetie, I'll give you five dollars if you ride with me.
Girl: Get away from me or I'll call the cops.
Man: How about twenty dollars, just get on the back with me.
Girl: (Starts running) No way!
Man: Okay, final offer, twenty dollars and a bag of candy.
Girl: Look, Dad, you had to buy a Honda instead of a Harley, you ride it!

I asked my grandfather for twenty dollars.

"Twenty dollars?!" he said. "For what?"
"To buy groceries," I told him.
"When I was a boy," my grandfather said. "My mama would give me one dollar, just *one dollar*, and I'd go to the store and come home with two loaves of bread, two sacks of potatoes, a carton of eggs, three bottles of milk, a can of coffee and a box of tea."
He shrugged and paused.
"Times have changed and ya can't do that now," he told me. "Too many f**...' security cameras."

A Russian boy asks his dad for 1000 rubles to buy some candy from the store

His dad replies 1000 rubles? 1600 rubles is way too much to spend on candy. How much candy can 2300 rubles even buy?

Businessman: How much will it cost to buy a large singing group? I need one for a party.

Lady: Do you mean a choir?
Businessman: Okay, fine. How much does it cost to acquire a large singing group?

An attractive woman asked me if I wanted to see a movie yesterday.

She said what would you like to see.
I said you pick.
She said you pick.
I said I don't care you pick.
She said, Sir there are other people waiting in line to buy tickets.

Why did the Stormtrooper buy an iPhone?

Because he couldn't find the Droid he was looking for.

I saw a TV for sale for 1$

I saw that the TV was in very good condition.
"Why is it so cheap? " I asked the seller
"The volume is stuck at max, and it can't be turned down" he replied
"So everything else works?" I asked
He turned it on, and sure enough everything worked, except the volume
"So you're gonna buy it?"
"A TV for $1? Can't turn it down"

Girl: What are your plans for today?

Boy: Me and a friend of mine are going to buy some glasses.
Girl: And after that?
Boy: And after that we'll see.

Everytime I buy a new house, I always spend $1,000 on the door.

That way, I always make a grand entrance.

There should be a millennial edition of Monopoly

where you just walk around the board paying rent, never able to buy anything.

The day my daughter turns 18, I'm going to buy her a locket, put her picture in it, and when she opens it tell her:

Well, I guess now you really are… independent".

A Mechanical Engineer, a software engineer and a purchasing agent...

..are on their way to an industry event when their rental car gets a flat tire. The purchasing agent says
"We need to buy a new tire"
the mechanical engineer says
"no, I think I can fix this one"
and the software engineer says,
"let's drive on it for a while, maybe it'll fix itself."

A guy walks into a bar and sees a bunch of meat hanging on the wall.

He sits down and asks the bartender what the deal is with the meat. Bartender says the deal is if you want a free drink you gotta jump up and touch the meat but if you miss, you buy a round for the bar. The guy takes another look at the meat and the bartender asks if he's in. No, says the guy the steaks are too high.

A guy walks into a bar and sees that there are dozens of cuts of meat hanging from the ceiling.

Confused, he asks the bartender why this is.
Well, it's a promotion we are running. If you can jump up and grab one, you get a free New York s**... dinner, on us! But, if you attempt to do so and miss, you gotta buy one for every person here instead.
The guy takes a moment to scan the bar, counting up the number of patrons in his head, before turning to the bartender and replying
Ah, no thanks. The steaks are too high.
———
Shout out to my dad for telling me this joke dozens of times throughout my life. It never fails to get a laugh outta a new crowd. Thanks Joe, you da best.

Two l**... named Rachel walk in to a bakery...

To buy a cake for their upcoming wedding. After learning that the cake will be for their own wedding, the baker refuses service. Offended, the couple can't believe the guy is so opposed to gay marriage that he won't even bake a cake. The baker replies, "No no I'm fine with gay marriage-- I just can't support inter-Rachel marriage."

(posted before but I felt it was an appropriate time for it to rerun.)

A programmer

goes to do groceries. His wife tell him:
-- Buy a loaf of bread, and if they have eggs, buy a dozen.
He comes back with thirteen loaves of bread.
-- But why?, she asks.
-- They had eggs.

Elon Musk has come up with a fool proof plan of destroying Apple because they refuse to advertise on Twitter.

He plans to buy it.

I went to the store to buy condoms last night.

The cashier asked, "Do you want a bag?"
I replied, "No, she's not that ugly."

A Blonde and Condoms

The most beautiful blonde woman you've ever seen walks into the drugstore. She walks to the pharmacy and asks if they sell Extra-Large condoms, the cashier says yes and points her down aisle 11. About 30 minutes go by and the pharmacist notices that the blonde is still looking at the condoms. He decides to see if she needs any help. He says, "Did you find the extra large condoms?" She responds, "Yes, now I'm just waiting for someone to buy some."

Let me tell you how I became a millionaire: First, I...

...bought one apple for a dollar with my savings. Then I went out on the street and sold it there for two dollars. With the two dollars I bought two apples for 1$ each and again sold them for 2 dollars each. Now I've had 4 dollars and was able to buy 4 apples, which, you may have guessed, I sold for 2 dollars each. Now I've had 8 dollars and I bought 8 apples and so on and so on...
A few days later my aunt died and I inherited her assets.

..Trump said "Buy american, Hire american"

Standing on an Ikea podium from *Sweden*, behind bullet proof by Saint Gobain Glass from *France*, smiling at a 4K Sony *Japanese* Video camera, speaking into a Dolby Sennheiser *German* microphone, with vigorous hand gestures giving a glimpse of a Rolex under the cuff made in *Switzerland*
he patriotically said ..*"Buy American, Hire American, Stop Immigrants".* while standing beside a *Slovenian wife*

Cigarette warnings should also include how dangerous it is just going to purchase a package...

My dad left 19 years ago to buy some and he still hasn't made it back.

My girlfriend is mad because I keep getting free drinks around town by saying I'm engaged

She said "Why is it that every time you say your engaged people congratulate you and buy you a drink, but when I say it they charge me double?"
I told her that when she says it they expect to see a ring but when I say it they expect to see an empty wallet

Me: What's the WiFi password?

**Bartender:** You need to buy a drink first
**Me:** Okay, I'll have a coke.
**Bartender:** Is Pepsi okay?
**Me:** Sure, how much is that?
**Bartender:** $3.
**Me:** There you go. So what's the WiFi password?
**Bartender:** You need to buy a drink first. No spaces, all lowercase.

Walter White decided to buy a pizza for his son

Walter: Hey son I bought you a pizza so you can share it with your friends.
Flynn: Thanks dad, how much do I owe you?
Walter: It's on the house.

A wife asks her husband, Could you please go shopping for me and buy one carton of milk and, if they have avocados, get six.

A short time later, the husband returns with six cartons of milk.
Why did you buy six cartons of milk? the wife asks.
He replies, They had avocados.

I ran out of toilet paper last week and can't afford to buy more till I get paid next week, so I started using the newspapers. Now the realisation has kicked in......

......... The Times are really Rough!!!

A beautiful blonde woman approaches a pharmacist and asks, "Do you have extra large condoms?"

The pharmacist replies, "Yes, isle 11."
The blonde goes to the isle. But about 30 minutes later she is still looking at the condoms. The pharmacist calls over to her, "Do you need some help?"
The woman replies, "No, I'm just waiting for somebody to buy some."

A man goes to buy a Ferrari...

but he was short of $1.
He saw a homeless man and said "Can you give me a dollar, I have to buy a Ferrari."
The homeless man gave him two dollars and said "Get one for me too."

Why did the EA executive cross the road?

Buy the DLC to find out!
Alternate ending available if you purchase the season pass!

The power of Pepsi

So a couple of friends of mine, one black, one white were at a protest and wondered which carbonated drink makes the police the most peaceful. Turns out it really is Pepsi. You see, my white friend went up to the front of the protest and shouted to the cops "Anybody wanna buy some Pepsi?!" and the cops were all chill and happy, some even bought a can or two. But then my black friend went up to the front and shouted "Anybody wanna buy some coke?!"

A man walked into a bookshop and said: I'd like to buy a book by Shakespeare

'Of course' replied the sales assistant 'Any particular one?'
'William, of course' replies the man.

Horrible joke

So a guy is in a bar when the woman across from him sneezes and her glass eye flies out. The man catches it and hands it back to the woman. The woman says "thanks" and then offers to buy him a drink.
The woman then offers to drive him home. On the way to his house, the man asks "Are you always this nice to men that you meet?" and she says "No, you just happened to catch my eye"

Every family has that weird, slightly perverted uncle.

Not me, though! I just have some really hot nieces who won't let me buy them beer.

If you buy a goat for $10 and named him Mohammed, then sell it for $15.

Did you make a prophet?

I had a job interview...

...the interviewer slid his laptop across the table and said "sell this to me."
I closed the screen, unplugged it, and left.
I ignored his calls for about three hours. When I did answer, he said "Where is my laptop?!"
"You wanna buy it?"

Nerd joke

A photon walks up to an airline counter to buy a ticket and the clerk asks "any baggage to check?" The photon replies "No, I'm traveling light."

What's the Wi-Fi password?

Bartender: You need to buy a drink first.
OK, I'll have a Coke.
Bartender: Three dollars.
There you go. So what's the Wi‑Fi password?
Bartender: You need to buy a drink first. No spaces, all lowercase.

The other day I decided to buy a Ouija board, so I could get in touch with deceased celebrities that havent crossed over yet,

The only celebrity I could get in touch with was Stephen Hawkings.
I asked him a few questions including why he was a ghost and not gone to the after life yet.
Turns out Led Zeppelin was right all along,
there is a stairway to heaven.

A programmer goes shopping

A room mate asked his friend who is a programmer to go shopping.
"hey, can you buy a bottle of milk? Oh and if they have eggs, buy 12"
So the programmer went shopping.
When he got back, he bought 12 bottle of milk and his room mate asked
"why the heck did you bought 12 bottle of milk?!"
The programmer responded.
"they have eggs"

EXTRA-LARGE CONDOMS

A woman asks the pharmacist if he sells extra-large condoms.
The pharmacist replies, "Yes, would you like to buy some?"
The woman says, "No, but do you mind if I stand here and wait to see if anyone buys a box?"

A Woman goes to buy a Parrot. The prices are $100, $200, and $15. She asks why the last one is so cheap?

"Because this s**... parrot keeps reposting c**... jokes" said the pet store employee.

A teenager, who just turned 18, desperately wants a car.

His mother tells him to buy one himself. A chemistry student himself, he finds an effective money-making strategy. Every day, he would sell mixtures of Rhenium, Phosphorus, Osmium, and Tennessine, and he was earning a lot from the sales. Curious, his mother asks him about the mixtures.
The teen replied: RePOsTs are the fastest way to car, Ma.

Marriage joke

My husband and I couldn't decide which jacket to buy our granddaughter, so we asked the young salesman.
If you were buying a jacket for your girlfriend, I said, what would you get?
A bulletproof one, he said. I'm married.

Around 80% of all Asians that move to America get cataracts.

The remaining 20% usually buy chevrorets, rexus, or rincoln. Some even get rand lover.

My son wanted me to buy him GTA

When I got to the store, I couldn't remember the title. So I told the guy "it's the game where the black guy drives cars round drunk, and shags loads of women"
He gave me a copy of tiger woods PGA golf

Angelina Jolie walks into a florists.'I'd like to buy some flowers', she says. 'Orchids?' says the florist.

'No, just flowers today'.

A programmer went to a store to pick up some groceries

As he was leaving the house his wife said: "While you are there, buy some milk". He never came back.

if you've ever wondered what it'd be like to be married ...

Find a woman who doesn't want to have s**... with you, and buy her a house.

Husband comes home and says:

Husband comes home and says:
- Honey, I invited a friend to have dinner with us today.
Screaming she replies:
- What? Are you crazy? The house is a mess, I did not buy any groceries, the dishes are dirty and I'm not in the mood to cook anything special.
- I know.
- So why did you invited him?
- Because the poor guy is thinking about getting married.

I told my friend people keep accidentally asking me to buy meat for them.

He asked: "By mistake?"
I said: "Oh come on, not you too!"

"Dmytry! I take my hat off to you!"

"You and Sarah have been married for 50 years, whenever I see you walking around town you are still holding hands!
Well." Dmytry began
"If I let her go she will surely buy something!"
Translated from Russian, sorry if I made mistakes.

A man walks into a tailor to buy a tuxedo. He confidently tells the tailor he doesn't need any assistance. The tailor says…

... "Fine. Suit yourself."

Jokes are a form of humor that often involves clever wordplay, puns or unexpected twists in a story. These are usually short narratives or anecdotes crafted with the intent of amusing its audience by ending in an unexpected or humorous punchline. Jokes are a universal form of entertainment that people of all ages like adults, teens, kids and toddlers can enjoy. JokoJokes' FAQ section has answers to questions you may have!

The impact of these buy jokes can be both social and psychological. They can help to ease tensions, create bonds between people, and even improve overall mental health. The success of a joke often relies on the delivery, timing, and audience. Jokes can be used in various settings, from social gatherings to professional presentations, and are often employed to lighten the mood or enhance a story.