Buy A Car Jokes
139 buy a car jokes and hilarious buy a car puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about buy a car that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest Buy A Car Short Jokes
Short buy a car jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The buy a car humour may include short buying a car jokes also.
- Bought my wife a beautiful big diamond ring. She asked, "Why didn't you buy me a new car ?"
I told her, "They don't make fake cars." - When one door closes another one opens That's all well and good , I told the car dealer, but I'm not buying the car until you fix it!
- Money cant buy you happiness. But I'd rather have my tears hit designer Bugatti leather than the composite foam in my car.
- My father died recently and I came into a bunch of money. I decided to buy a car and pay cash... and the man at the dealership asked me, "Why are all these bills so sticky?!"
- A man buying a car He looked at the car and questioned:
-cargo space?
The car dealer said:
-car no do that
Car go road - I went to buy a new car... The salesman said- Buy it today, and you won't make a payment for six months.
I said- Boy! You really know me! - Dilemma If you had to choose between your wife or a million dollars, which car would you buy first?
- My Nokia slipped out of my hand and landed on top of my car so I took it to Best Buy But they said they don't fix cars
- If you were to choose between winning the big lottery prize and your wife what car would you buy?
- I had a friend buy a European car and he kept telling me about it breaking down. I had to tell him that I didn't want to hear anymore of his Saab stories.
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Buy A Car One Liners
Which buy a car one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with buy a car? I can suggest the ones about car sales and car loan.
- Why do blondes prefer to buy cars with sun roof? Because there's more leg room.
- What type of car does a Mandalorian buy from the used car lot? The Best Car.
- How do you help a mathematician buy a new car? Cosine
- Buy a cheap phone, but don't buy a cheap car Buy No*kia*
- I'm thinking to buy a car for around $100k can you tell me how do i get this much money
- Why did the kitty buy a red car? Because he had a fifth-life crisis
- Why couldn't the baker buy a car? Because he didn't make enough dough
- Which brand of cars can you buy without going over budget? A Ford!
- I'm gonna go buy a car shaped like a peanut butter jar I'll be back in a Jif
- Where do pickles go to buy a car? The dillership!
- Why do thugs buy used cop cars? They never got to sit up front
- Why are sheep biased when it comes to car sales? They only buy and sell Ram
- Why do people buy smart cars? Because opposites attract.
- How does a white lady fix a flat tire? She buys a new car.
- I would never buy a plastic 3D printed car Unless it came with ABS.
Buy A Car Funny Jokes And Hilarious Puns.
What funny jokes about buy a car you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean import car jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make buy a car pranks.
Why did the spider buy a car?
So he could take it out for a spin!
After years of scrimping and saving, a husband told his wife the good news:
“Honey, we’ve finally saved enough money to buy what we started saving for in 1979.”
“You mean a brand-new Cadillac?” she asked eagerly.
“No,” said the husband, “a 1979 Cadillac.
Johny was stopped by the policeman on the road, the policeman has looked over the whole car and has said to Johny:
"Johny, if you´ll go somebody by your car, the human would probably survive the collision with your car also without your help, but the treatment with the content of your archaic first aid box will survive nobody, there´s no doubt. Did you buy it in the shop B.C.?"
I work to buy a car to go to work.
What did the Star Wars fan ask to the car dealer? "Can I buy the Rogue one please?"
My friend phoned me in a panic.
He said, "My dog is dying and I can't afford a vet. I was wondering if you wanted to buy my car?"
​
"Is it in good condition?" he asked.
​
"Yes, excellent."
​
"Then why does it need to go to the vet?"
Why I don't get married
Two friends talking: "you know why I don't buy a car?because all may friends have cars and they can give me a ride everyday. " That's exactly what I told your wife when she asked me why i don't get married"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Wild little old ladies.
It was a small town and the patrolman was making his evening rounds..
As he was checking a used car lot, he came upon two little old ladies sitting in a used car..
He stopped and asked them why they were sitting there in the car or were they trying to steal it?
'Heavens no, we bought it.'
'Then why don't you drive it away.'
We can't drive.'
Then why did you buy it?'
'We were told that if we bought a Used car here
we'd get s**... ....so we're just waiting.
A man is taking his son to buy his first car...
The son spots an old, used cop car at one of the lots. "Dad! I want that! It would be so cool! Can I test drive the cop car?" The father replies: "No, son. I want your car to have working turn signals and an accurate speedometer."
Two prostitutes were talking about clients...
When one of them points to the Mercedes across the street.
"You see that car, the owner afforded it because of me" she said with a smile on her face
"You know, that's not how it works, we don't give them money, they give it to us" the second said confused.
"Yeah, I know, before he met me, he had the money to buy a Ferrari"
A very successful lawyer buys a new Ferrari...
He parks in front of his office, ready to show it off to his colleagues. As he gets out, a truck passes too close and completely tears the door off of the driver's side. The counselor immediately grabs his cell phone, dials 911, and within minutes a policeman pulls up to take a report.
Before the officer has a chance to ask any questions, the lawyer starts screaming hysterically. His Ferrari, which he had just picked up the day before, was now completely ruined and would never be the same, no matter what the body shop did to it.
When the lawyer finally winds down from his ranting and raving, the officer shakes his head in disgust.
"I can't believe how materialistic you lawyers are," he said. "All you care about is money and your possessions."
The lawyer unleashes a stream of obscenities before the officer can calm him down.
"Hear me out...see, you are so worried about your car, you didn't even notice that the accident took off your left arm."
"Oh my god!" screams the lawyer. "Where's my Rolex!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
America
How to rescue the economy:
Dear President Obama,
Patriotic retirement:
There are about 40 million people over 50 in the work force;
pay them $1 million a piece severance with stipulations:
1) They leave their jobs. Forty million job openings - Unemployment fixed.
2) They buy NEW American cars. Forty million cars ordered - Auto Industry fixed.
3) They either buy a house or pay off their mortgage- Housing Crisis fixed.
All this and it's still cheaper than the "bailout".
A fancy sports car gets pulled over by a cop
-You've exceeded the speed limit by driving 75 mph!
-Officer, here, take these 300 bucks and buy yourself a decent radar. I never drive slower than 100 mph!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Beer
This morning I was in luck and was able to buy two boxes of "Bud Light" cheap.
I placed the boxes on the front seat and headed back home. I stopped at a service station where a drop-dead gorgeous blonde in a short skirt was filling up her car at the next pump.
She glanced at the two boxes of beer, bent over and leaned in my passenger window, and said in a s**... voice, "I'm a big believer in barter, handsome. Would you be interested in trading s**... for beer?"
I thought for a few seconds and asked, "What kind of beer 'ya got?"
A man goes to buy his wife a car...
The salesman ask him "why don't you buy her a Kaiser and surprise her?"
The man rejects the idea, so the salesman says "why don't you buy her a Fraiser and amaze her?"
The man thinks for a second, and says "nah, I'll just buy her a Tucker."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Little Johnny is at Toys R Us...
Little Johnny is at Toys R Us looking for a new toy to buy. He finally finds a toy car he really likes and decides to buy it. He goes up to the cashier to pay for the toy car and offers fake Monopoly money. The cashier says to Little Johnny, "are you dumb? this is not real money." Little Johnny responds, "You're s**..., neither is the car..."
A snail walks into a car dealership...
And he asks the salesman about car customization. He shows the salesman a car that he's thinking about buying, but there's something he wants to change about it. The salesman asks him what it is, and the snail tells him he wants the letter 'S' painted on the doors, roof, and windows, as large as possible. The salesman wonders why, and the snail responds:
"Because when I drive down the street, I want to hear people say 'hey, look at that S-car-go!'"
You know it's cold outside when...
You buy a foot long at Subway and by the time you get it to you car it's a six inch
A blonde finds herself in serious money trouble...
Lost her job and she's in dire financial straits.
She's desperate so she decides to ask God for help. She begins to pray... "God, please help me. I've lost my job and if I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well. Please let me win the lottery."
Lottery night comes, and somebody else wins.
She again prays... "God, please let me win the lottery! I've lost my job, my house and I'm going to lose my car as well."
Lottery night comes and she still has no luck.
Once again, she prays... "My God, why have you forsaken me? I've lost my job, my house, and my car. My children are starving. I don't often ask You for help, and I've always been a good servant to You. PLEASE let me win the lottery just this one time so I can get my life back in order."
Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open.
The blonde is overwhelmed by the Voice of God, Himself...."Sweetheart, work with Me on this.... Buy a ticket."
Saw some great soviet jokes on here. Here's one from President Reagan...
Buying a car in the Soviet Union is not quite so easy as buying a car in the United States. There's a terrible automobile shortage so you have to pay the money up front and then wait, sometimes many years, until a car is made available to you.
On one occasion, at the height of the shortage, a man went down to his local dealership to buy a car. After he had accepted the man's money and the paperwork had been signed, the dealer informed the man that his car would be ready in 10 years and that he could come back then and pick it up.
Taking note of the date, the man turned to leave but paused on his way out the door and asked, "morning or afternoon?"
"It's 10 years from now, what difference does it make?" replied the dealer.
"Well, I'm busy in the morning." said the man.
Confused, the dealer asked, "what could you possibly have planned for the morning ten years from today?"
"The plumber's coming to fix my sink," replied the man.
At the car dealership
- Hello, i'm interested in buying an Alfa .
- Romeo?
- Juliet ?
Best part of buying a smart car?
at least the car will be smart! Plus the lack of seats is proportional to the lack of friends!
The Unluckiest Guy in the world
A huge guy is drinking in a bar with his friend, when suddenly he sees a dude who looks really depressed. He looks at his friend and goes, 'You see the guy that seems to be having a really bad day? Well I'm gonna make his day even worse'. So he walks up to the dude and drinks the glass that was in front of him. The dude suddenly breaks into tears and starts crying hysterically. So the guy is surprised and tries to calm him down: ' Dude relax! I was just messing with you. I'll buy another drink'. The dude wipes off his tears and goes, 'I just had the worst day of my life. My car broke down on my way to work so I had to take a cab. I forgot my briefcase in the cab and cost my company millions of dollars. They fired me and I owe them their millions. When I got back from work, I found my wife in bed with my best friend. After all that I decided to end my life with a glass of poison, and you didn't even let me do that!'
Someone with a girl friend should write this in their Valentines Day card
I was going to buy you a car, but I knew you'd be disappointed if I didn't give you the D.
Buying a new car and online dating are sort of the same thing...
You're looking for the youngest model with the least amount of miles on it.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A wife gives her husband a cheating test.
A man's wife wanted to know how her husband would react if she was to just up and leave one day so she came up with a way to trick her husband into thinking she had left. She wrote a note saying how she was tired of living with him and doesn't want to put up with him anymore. She left the note on the kitchen counter and hid under the bed and waited for her husband to come home.
Her husband soon came home, saw the note and wrote something on it. Immediately he started dancing and singing while changing into another pair of clothes. He than proceeds to dial someone and says: Hey babe the idiot finally had enough of me, I was so s**... to marry her wish I found you first, I'll be over in 10 minutes! He than rushes out the door and drives off in his car.
The wife comes out from under the bed, tears in her eyes goes to read what her husband had wrote on the note, it said; " I can see your feet sticking out from under the bed idiot, I have gone to buy some beer."
My Wife Went To The Car Dealership...
She asked me to buy her something that goes 0-200 in under 5 seconds.
So I bought her a scale instead.
I just bought a car flag for independence day, for only two dollars..
Now i just need to buy a car, and i am all set.
A teenager had just passed his drivers test, and he asked his dad to buy him a car
"Dad, will you be able to get me a car?" Asked the boy
"I suppose a car would be in order *if* you can raise your grades from C's to B's, you study your Bible, and cut your hair." Replied the father.
After contemplating for many hours, the boy decided it was a good and fair compromise. Six weeks later, the father is astonished. His son was excelling in school, he studied his Bible every day, but his hair was still long and shaggy.
"I am very impressed with you" said the father "you are passing all of your classes, and you read the Bible every day. But why wont you cut your hair?"
"After reading the Bible, I have noticed something." Said the boy "Moses, Samson, and Absalom all had long hair. There is even evidence that *Jesus* may have had long hair!"
The father replied back "Did you also notice how they had to walk everywhere too?"
I took a look at my wife one day and said ...
... "Honey, 25 years ago, we had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, slept on a small sofa bed and watched a 10 inch black and white TV, but at least I got to sleep with a hot 25-year-old blonde every night.
Now, we have a nice house, nice cars, big king size bed and plasma screen TV, but now I'm sleeping with a 50-year-old woman. It seems to me that you are not holding up your side of things."
My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a hot 25-year-old blonde, and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car, sleeping on a sofa bed and she would buy me a 10-inch black & white TV.
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A maths teachers husband buys an Aston Martin.
He pulls up into the drive of their house, eagerly awaiting his wife's response.
Instead, she looks angry and horrified. She storm up to his window and says "You ALWAYS leech off of MY money!"
"W-What?"
"LOOK AT YOU! I don't know HOW you earned this car!"
"Why?"
"YOU DIDN'T DO THE WORKING FOR IT!"
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This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Buying a car from Hertz is like marrying a p**...
It may look good on the outside, but you have no idea whose been in it or what they've done to it.
A 40 year old man goes to buy a car....
and all he can afford is a base model civic.
I wanted to buy an electric car
And the prices were shocking
I approach the boring task of buying tampons with the same procrastination used when needing to fill the car up with petrol:
ignore depleting supplies until well in the red.
"When one door closes, another opens", he said.
"That's all well and good", I replied, "but until you fix it I'm not buying the car."
Unfortunately, the site I got this joke from many months ago is now down so I can't give them the credit it deserve. But here's a different site with it anyway...
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
When I asked my girlfriend what car she was going to buy...
She said, "I don't know. I just want something that gets me from A to B."
She's so s**.... No car is going to increase her cup size.
I told my girlfriend two sentences
"We need to buy a new car."
"I am thinking about taking a break."
She started crying. I mean, she could have just said she didn't like that type of cars.
A penguin brings his car into the shop
The mechanic says he needs an hour to check it out, so the penguin walks to 7-11 and buys an ice cream to kill the time. Since the poor guy's got no hands, he gets the ice cream all over his beak. When he's done he walks back into the shop, and the mechanic tells him "Well, it looks like you blew a seal." Penguin says "No, that's just a little ice cream"
Who are the easiest people to scare?
People buying car parts, because you can easily give them a shock!
A penguin goes to the mechanic
A penguin's car breaks down and he takes the car to the mechanic. The mechanic tells him to come back in an hour. The penguin goes wandering around town and he stumbles upon an ice cream store. He buys some ice cream and goes back to the mechanic.
The mechanic says "It looks like you blew a seal."
The penguin responds "No, no, its just ice cream."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
How do you know when a chinese granny moves to your town?
Even the Mexicans start buying car insurance :)
Police officer: are you drunk
Me: depends. Are you buying?
Now my car is confiscated and I need bail money
A guy finally buys his dream car
... And on his first day of owning it, he gets caught speeding down the highway.
Pulling over, the officer walks up to the window and says "Son, I've been a cop for over 30 years, I've heard every excuse there is. If you come up with a new one I'll let you off with a warning."
The driver says "Well, to be honest sir, my wife recently left me for a state trooper, and when I saw your car, I was scared you were bringing her back."
You can now buy celebrity-voiced sat-navs for your car.
I bought the Princess Diana version. It just keeps saying "Put your foot down, I think we can lose them"
Frankie Boyle
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
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My first time s**... was like buying my first used c**... car
I didn't want it but dad gave it to me anyway
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My son wanted me to buy him GTA
When I got to the store, I couldn't remember the title. So I told the guy "it's the game where the black guy drives cars round drunk, and shags loads of women"
He gave me a copy of tiger woods PGA golf
Back in the Sovjet days a guy wants to buy a car
The guy goes up to the counter at the Ministry of buying cars.
Guy: I would like to buy a car.
Clerk: Sure thing but it will take 10 years for processing your request. Come back then and your car will be ready for you.
Guy: Ok, morning or afternoon?
Clerk: Huh? what difference does it make, it´s 10 years from now?
Guy: Well, the plumber is coming in the morning.
Credit goes to Ronald Reagan
What kind of car did an iPhone buy?
A charger
A blond walks into a mechanic's shop.
She is concerned because her car has a lot of miles and nobody wants to buy it from her. The mechanic tells her that for a price, he can roll back the odometer. After she agrees, he does just that, telling her she can now sell her car. He blond says, "why would I do that? It has lower mileage now!"
So this snail buys a car.
This snail buys a car. After he gets the car he paints a bunch of S's on the car. One day as hes's driving down the road this man say "Hey look at that S car Go"
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This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Priest: why did u have s**... before marriage ? U sinner ! Lady : u need to test a car before you buy it! Just like u test the little boys potential without their consent.
I don't know why they spend so much money on Superbowl ads,
I still don't feel like buying any cars, eating any chips, drinking Budweiser or eating tide pods.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
An 18 year old in America is allowed to buy an AR-15, vote, enlist in the army, buy cigarettes, get a lottery ticket, and die for their country...
...but god FORBID they try to rent a car.
Tim Cook was just named as the new CEO of Ford, and I for one am really excited!
Now everyone will have the chance to buy a Ford-Apple car
A New Car
A rabbi and a minister decided to buy a new car together. The day after they bought it, the rabbi found the minister driving it. The minister explained that he had just gone to the car wash because in his religion it is customary to welcome a new member with the rite of baptism. The next day, the minister discovered the rabbi cutting the end off the exhaust pipe
There is a terrible head-on collision on a winding Russian road
Both cars, a brand new Mercedes and an old Zhiguli, are absolutely totaled, but fortunately both drivers are relatively unscathed.
The owner of the Mercedes looks sadly at the wreckage and moans, "My brand new car! I was saving money all year to buy it, and here it is, destroyed barely a month later."
The owner of the Zhiguli nods sadly and sighs, "Yeah. I had to save money for 15 years to buy mine."
Ronald Reagan got into hot water for telling this joke at the S.A.L.T. talks
Russian citizen goes to the Volga car dealership to buy his first car . Dealer says ''that'll be 20,000 Rubles , and we'll deliver it to you TEN YEARS FROM TODAY''. Man asks ''Morning or afternoon?'' Dealer says ''What's the difference , it's ten years from today''. Man says ''Well , the plumber is scheduled for that morning.''
Elephants and cars
How many elephants fit in a Volkswagen?
4 elephants, 2 in the front and 2 in the back.
How can you fit 8 elephants in a BMW?
You sell the BMW and buy 2 Volkswagen.
I was going to buy a new Volkswagen but my Grandpa got angry at me because of what happened to him during WW2. Apparently, during WW2 my Grandpa
had a succession of highly unreliable German cars.
I said to my boss that I liked his new car
He said if I brought him new projects, aimed to success and worked hard, he'd buy a better one.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
When buying a race car bed...
Always upgrade the tail pipe to a Fleshlight so when you hookup your hose, you only die a little.
When I was a kid living with my parents, I remember when my dad gave me money to pay the utilities one day
On impulse, I decided to buy scratch-offs. When I got home I explained *'but we could get a new car when we win!'*, he ended up beating me.
The next day, we woke up to a new truck outside our house and everyone was crying. Myself in particular, because the new truck was from the Utilities company, coming to shutoff the water. So my dad beat me again.
It still Hertz to this day.
(Six months after buying a car)
Dave: They told me the car came with a jack but I didn't know-
JACK: *crawling out of trunk* no problem. Let's have a look at that flat tire.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A r**... wants to buy a German car.
Audi partner!
How to get a cheap car in Finland?
Buy it from Germany and register it to Estonia
Why shouldn't you buy cars made in Georgia?
Because they're always Stalin.
If you had a million dollars, between donating them to charity and buying a new car,
What color would your Ferrari be?
I'm buying my wife golf shoes for Christmas. She doesn't golf...
But she does wash my car and the driveway gets a little icy in the winter.
A high guy went to buy more drugs
when he saw a police car passing on his way, he threw the money and run away!
Always remember that money cannot buy you love
It can, however, buy you a mansion, a yacht, a nice suit, and a fancy European sports car. After that, you'll be beating love off with a stick.
The owner of this house doesn't have a car but he lives happy .
Money doesn't buy happiness