Buy A Car Jokes

"I can't decide whether to buy a bicycle or a cow for my farm."
"Well, wouldn't you look silly riding a cow?"
"I d look a darn sight sillier trying to milk a bicycle!"

Why I don't get married

Two friends talking: "you know why I don't buy a car?because all may friends have cars and they can give me a ride everyday. " That's exactly what I told your wife when she asked me why i don't get married"

A man is taking his son to buy his first car...

The son spots an old, used cop car at one of the lots. "Dad! I want that! It would be so cool! Can I test drive the cop car?" The father replies: "No, son. I want your car to have working turn signals and an accurate speedometer."

Two prostitutes were talking about clients...

When one of them points to the Mercedes across the street.
"You see that car, the owner afforded it because of me" she said with a smile on her face
"You know, that's not how it works, we don't give them money, they give it to us" the second said confused.
"Yeah, I know, before he met me, he had the money to buy a Ferrari"

Beer

This morning I was in luck and was able to buy two boxes of "Bud Light" cheap.
I placed the boxes on the front seat and headed back home. I stopped at a service station where a drop-dead gorgeous blonde in a short skirt was filling up her car at the next pump.
She glanced at the two boxes of beer, bent over and leaned in my passenger window, and said in a s**... voice, "I'm a big believer in barter, handsome. Would you be interested in trading s**... for beer?"
I thought for a few seconds and asked, "What kind of beer 'ya got?"

Heisenberg gets pulled over (Nerd humor)

Finding great success as a scientist Heisenberg decides to buy a sports car. He is blazing down the highway when he sees a cop car behind him. He pulls over and the cop comes up to the window and asks: "Do you have *any* idea how fast you were going?!"
Heisenberg looks at him and replies: "No, but I can tell you *exactly* where I am."

Dilemma

If you had to choose between your wife or a million dollars, which car would you buy first?

A penguin notices his car is leaking fluid...

so he takes it to the closest garage. Mechanic says he'll check it out, and to come back in a half hour. The penguin sees a Dairy Queen, strolls over, and buys himself a vanilla cone. Being a penguin, without hands, he makes quite a mess, getting ice cream all over himself. When he gets back to check on his car, the mechanic looks up, shakes his head, and says, "Looks like you blew a seal." The penguin replies, "Na, it's just ice cream."

A man goes to buy his wife a car...

The salesman ask him "why don't you buy her a Kaiser and surprise her?"
The man rejects the idea, so the salesman says "why don't you buy her a Fraiser and amaze her?"
The man thinks for a second, and says "nah, I'll just buy her a Tucker."

Little Johnny is at Toys R Us...

Little Johnny is at Toys R Us looking for a new toy to buy. He finally finds a toy car he really likes and decides to buy it. He goes up to the cashier to pay for the toy car and offers fake Monopoly money. The cashier says to Little Johnny, "are you dumb? this is not real money." Little Johnny responds, "You're s**..., neither is the car..."

A snail walks into a car dealership...

And he asks the salesman about car customization. He shows the salesman a car that he's thinking about buying, but there's something he wants to change about it. The salesman asks him what it is, and the snail tells him he wants the letter 'S' painted on the doors, roof, and windows, as large as possible. The salesman wonders why, and the snail responds:
"Because when I drive down the street, I want to hear people say 'hey, look at that S-car-go!'"

So a penguin is driving along one day...

... and has engine trouble. So he stops at an autoshop and they get to work on his car. It's a rather hot day, so he walks over to the convenience story and buys an ice cream cone.
As he's finishing the cone, the mechanic walks over to him and says "Looks like you blew a seal."
"No no!" he cries, "It's just ice cream!"

A polar bear brings his car in to the mechanic

Mechanic tells him that it will be a few hours so the polar bear goes over to the supermarket and buys a bucket of vanilla ice cream. It's a hot sunny day and he goes over to the park bench to eat it. Then he wanders back to the garage. "Looks like you blew a seal," the mechanic says. "Oh no," the polar bear laughs, wiping his moth. "That's just ice cream."

Soviet buy car

Go to Lada dealer. He choosing red one. They filling out papers. When finishing, dealer saying: You taking delivery in 23 years.
Soviet: Is in morning or afternoon?
Dealer: What difference is making?
Soviet: Plumber come in morning.

A man goes to buy a Christmas Tree...

... After the salesman rings him up and helps him strap it to the car, he asks, "were you planning on putting this up yourself?" to which the man responds, "Actually, I was thinking of putting it in the living room."

A snail decides to buy a car...

There's this snail. All his life, all he's ever wanted was a little red corvette, convertible, with a b**... "S" painted on the hood. He saves and saves and finally buys his life-long dream. He pulls out of the dealership and his driving down the street, proud as can be. Two guys, waiting at a crosswalk, spot the snail in his new car, and one says to the other, "hey man, look at that S car go!!!"

Someone with a girl friend should write this in their Valentines Day card

I was going to buy you a car, but I knew you'd be disappointed if I didn't give you the D.

My boss bought an new car...

My boss bought a new sports car and parked it on his space while I was walking by him. I congratulated him to his newest purchase.
He said: "Well, if you work hard, set yourself goals, do overtime and work with determination, I will be able to buy an even better one next year."

Buying a new car and online dating are sort of the same thing...

You're looking for the youngest model with the least amount of miles on it.

A penguin's car breaks down

He pulls over to a shop owned by a walrus who tells him he'll look at it. The Penguin takes a stroll and buys a vanilla treat.
The Penguin gets back and the Walrus say
"Looks like you've blown a seal"
The Penguin wipes his chin and says..
"No, No, it's just ice cream."

A priest and a rabbi buy a car...

A priest and a rabbi buy a car. The priest walks out and sees the rabbi sprinkling water over the hood.
"What are you doing?" Asked the priest.
"I'm blessing the car," said the rabbi.
"Oh, as long as we're doing THAT..." The priest walked into the garage. He later came back out with a hacksaw and cut 2 inches off of the tailpipe.

I would never buy a plastic 3D printed car

Unless it came with ABS.

Buying a car from Hertz is like marrying a p**...

It may look good on the outside, but you have no idea whose been in it or what they've done to it.

I wanted to buy an electric car

And the prices were shocking

I approach the boring task of buying tampons with the same procrastination used when needing to fill the car up with petrol:

ignore depleting supplies until well in the red.

"When one door closes, another opens", he said.

"That's all well and good", I replied, "but until you fix it I'm not buying the car."
Unfortunately, the site I got this joke from many months ago is now down so I can't give them the credit it deserve. But here's a different site with it anyway...

I had a friend buy a European car and he kept telling me about it breaking down.

I had to tell him that I didn't want to hear anymore of his Saab stories.

When I asked my girlfriend what car she was going to buy...

She said, "I don't know. I just want something that gets me from A to B."
She's so s**.... No car is going to increase her cup size.

I told my girlfriend two sentences

"We need to buy a new car."
"I am thinking about taking a break."
She started crying. I mean, she could have just said she didn't like that type of cars.

A penguin brings his car into the shop

The mechanic says he needs an hour to check it out, so the penguin walks to 7-11 and buys an ice cream to kill the time. Since the poor guy's got no hands, he gets the ice cream all over his beak. When he's done he walks back into the shop, and the mechanic tells him "Well, it looks like you blew a seal." Penguin says "No, that's just a little ice cream"

A penguin goes to the mechanic

A penguin's car breaks down and he takes the car to the mechanic. The mechanic tells him to come back in an hour. The penguin goes wandering around town and he stumbles upon an ice cream store. He buys some ice cream and goes back to the mechanic.
The mechanic says "It looks like you blew a seal."
The penguin responds "No, no, its just ice cream."

If you were to choose between winning the big lottery prize and your wife

what car would you buy?

A guy finally buys his dream car

... And on his first day of owning it, he gets caught speeding down the highway.
Pulling over, the officer walks up to the window and says "Son, I've been a cop for over 30 years, I've heard every excuse there is. If you come up with a new one I'll let you off with a warning."
The driver says "Well, to be honest sir, my wife recently left me for a state trooper, and when I saw your car, I was scared you were bringing her back."

You can now buy celebrity-voiced sat-navs for your car.

I bought the Princess Diana version. It just keeps saying "Put your foot down, I think we can lose them"
Frankie Boyle

My first time s**... was like buying my first used c**... car

I didn't want it but dad gave it to me anyway

My son wanted me to buy him GTA

When I got to the store, I couldn't remember the title. So I told the guy "it's the game where the black guy drives cars round drunk, and shags loads of women"
He gave me a copy of tiger woods PGA golf

I went looking at new cars today...

The salesman said- "And if you buy today, you won't make a payment for six months!"
I said- "Wow! It's almost like you know me!"

A blond walks into a mechanic's shop.

She is concerned because her car has a lot of miles and nobody wants to buy it from her. The mechanic tells her that for a price, he can roll back the odometer. After she agrees, he does just that, telling her she can now sell her car. He blond says, "why would I do that? It has lower mileage now!"

Tim Cook was just named as the new CEO of Ford, and I for one am really excited!

Now everyone will have the chance to buy a Ford-Apple car

My boss showed up to work in a brand new sports car

Wow, that is a really amazing car I said to him
Thanks he replied, If you work hard, strive for excellence, and always put in your hours, I'll buy another one next year

A New Car

A rabbi and a minister decided to buy a new car together. The day after they bought it, the rabbi found the minister driving it. The minister explained that he had just gone to the car wash because in his religion it is customary to welcome a new member with the rite of baptism. The next day, the minister discovered the rabbi cutting the end off the exhaust pipe

This guy walks in a Toy R Us to buy a Barbie for his daughter's birthday.

First Barbie he sees: Barbie with ski set: 29.99
Second Barbie that caught his attention: Barbie on a motorcycle: 34:99
Third Barbie he sees: Divorced Barbie: 249.99
So he go and asks an employee why is the Divorced Barbie so expencive.
The employee replies: That's because this set comes with Ken's car, Ken's motorcycle, Ken's boat and Ken's house.

A Father goes to the toy store to buy a doll for his daughter

"It's my daughter's birthday and I want to buy her a barbie."
the toy salesman replies "well, you came to the right place. We have 'barbie goes to the beach' for 30 dollars, 'barbie super party funhouse' for 20 dollars, 'barbie learns to drive' that comes with a toy car and 'divorced barbie' for 100 dollars.
"why is divorced barbie so expensive" the father ponders aloud.
"because she comes with ken's house, car, and kids

There is a terrible head-on collision on a winding Russian road

Both cars, a brand new Mercedes and an old Zhiguli, are absolutely totaled, but fortunately both drivers are relatively unscathed.
The owner of the Mercedes looks sadly at the wreckage and moans, "My brand new car! I was saving money all year to buy it, and here it is, destroyed barely a month later."
The owner of the Zhiguli nods sadly and sighs, "Yeah. I had to save money for 15 years to buy mine."

Ronald Reagan got into hot water for telling this joke at the S.A.L.T. talks

Russian citizen goes to the Volga car dealership to buy his first car . Dealer says ''that'll be 20,000 Rubles , and we'll deliver it to you TEN YEARS FROM TODAY''. Man asks ''Morning or afternoon?'' Dealer says ''What's the difference , it's ten years from today''. Man says ''Well , the plumber is scheduled for that morning.''

Elephants and cars

How many elephants fit in a Volkswagen?
4 elephants, 2 in the front and 2 in the back.
How can you fit 8 elephants in a BMW?
You sell the BMW and buy 2 Volkswagen.

I said to my boss that I liked his new car

He said if I brought him new projects, aimed to success and worked hard, he'd buy a better one.

When buying a race car bed...

Always upgrade the tail pipe to a Fleshlight so when you hookup your hose, you only die a little.

When I was a kid living with my parents, I remember when my dad gave me money to pay the utilities one day

On impulse, I decided to buy scratch-offs. When I got home I explained *'but we could get a new car when we win!'*, he ended up beating me.
The next day, we woke up to a new truck outside our house and everyone was crying. Myself in particular, because the new truck was from the Utilities company, coming to shutoff the water. So my dad beat me again.
It still Hertz to this day.

I had an interview for a position as a car salesman.

The interviewer handed me his laptop and said, Here, sell this to me.
I took the laptop and stuck it in my bag and left. Three hours later he called and asked for his laptop back. I said, You want to buy it back?

A r**... wants to buy a German car.

Audi partner!

Today I told my boss that I liked his new car...

He said:
If you set goals for yourself, work hard and do your job properly, I'll be able to buy an even better one next year.

Guy survives a terrible car accident and goes to the hospital

When he finally wakes up the doctor says:
- I got some good and bad news for you sir.
- Oh please doctor, tell me the bad news first!
- Because of the accident we had to cut off both of your legs.
- Oh my god! Is there any good news?
- Yes, the nurse wants to buy your shoes.

Smoking joke

Girlfriend: How many ciggerates do you smoke per day?
Boyfriend: 5 packs, give or take
Girlfriend: If you quit smoking, you could even buy a car in a year.
Boyfriend: huh...do you smoke?
Girlfriend: God, no.
Boyfriend: Where is your car?

I thought of an idea for a new reality TV show...

It's about a group of Middle Easter Islamic terrorists that are entering their 40s. They stop buying an excessive amount of guns and explosives and instead start purchasing luxery cars and motorcycles. I call the show Midlife ISIS.

A Venezuelan man goes to buy a car.

The car salesman says, you can pick it up in four years time.
The man asks, in the morning or the afternoon?
Salesman: does it matter?
Man: well the plumber is coming in the afternoon...

This is a man that sold his car....

so he can be able to buy some fuel!

A teenager, who just turned 18, desperately wants a car.

His mother tells him to buy one himself. A chemistry student himself, he finds an effective money-making strategy. Every day, he would sell mixtures of Rhenium, Phosphorus, Osmium, and Tennessine, and he was earning a lot from the sales. Curious, his mother asks him about the mixtures.
The teen replied: RePOsTs are the fastest way to car, Ma.
​

I was so close to buying my dream car, I just had one final question for the salesman

Cargo space? I asked
After a second of confusion, he replies: Car no do that. Car go road.