Butter Jokes
Following is our collection of cream humor and butterfly one-liner funnies working better than reddit jokes. They include Butter puns for adults, dirty crisco jokes or clean cockporn gags for kids.
There is an abundance of flour jokes out there. You're fortunate to read a set of the 77 funniest jokes on butter. Full with funny wisecracks it is even funnier than any bread witze you can hear about butter.
The Best jokes about Butter
Yesterday my daughter was playing in the garden when I saw her kill a butterfly. So to teach her a lesson I said, "Just for that you don't get any butter for a month."
Today in the kitchen she killed a cockroach. I said, "Nice try."
Did you hear the rumor about butter?
Well, I'm not going to spread it!
My friends keep telling me to stop impersonating butter.
But I can't. I'm on a roll now
A little boy kills a butterfly. Dad says, "No butter for one week!" The little boy kills a honeybee. Dad says, "No honey for one week!"
Mom kills a cockroach. The little boy turns to his dad and says, "Are you gonna tell her or should i do it?"
For me, getting girls is like spreading butter...
It's much easier with a knife.
"Back in the day," my grandfather started to say,
"you could walk into a grocery store with 2 dollars in your pocket, and walk out with a loaf of bread, a dozen eggs, and a bit of butter as well."
"But today," he continued, "wherever you go - there are cameras."
Cute names to call your girlfriend with
1.sugar
2.honey
3.flour
4.egg
5.1/2 lb butter
6.stir
7.pour into pan
8.preheat to 375°
4-year-old's joke: What is a duck's favorite snack? Peanut butter (context in comments)
We told my four-year-old a joke: What is a duck's favorite snack? Quackers! HA!
He asked, "Quackers?" *confused* "Like, peanut butter and crackers?" "Sure, like peanut butter and crackers."
*runs into other room, calling his grandfather* "Pop Pop! What is a duck's favorite snack?" "Peanut butter" *falls over laughing at his own joke*
I like my butter how I like my family
In bread.
Dad, is that dog over there a wiener dog?
Son, with enough peanut butter every dog is a wiener dog.
A man just assaulted me with milk, butter and cheese
How dairy
For me, having sex is a lot like spreading butter on toast.
It's possible with a credit card, but so much easier with a knife.
A little boy killed a butterfly.
His dad looked at him disappointed and said,
"Son, because you killed that butterfly you won't get butter for a week."
A month later he killed a honeybee, his dad looked at him and said,
"Son, because you killed that honeybee you won't get honey for a week."
The boy looks at his father and says, "I also killed a cockroach."
The dad laughs at him and said, "Nice Try!"
Persuading girl into having sex with you is like spreading the butter on a toast.
It is possible with credit card, but it makes more sense using a knife.
Did you guys hear the rumor about the butter?
I don't know if I should spread it.
A man is getting ready to go on a business trip...
He has been suspicious of his wife cheating on him. So he places under his bed a spoon attached to a string that hangs on the metal frame with a bowl of milk under it. He measures the weight of his wife in bed alone to make sure it is not in the milk unless there is more weight.
The man leaves and comes home after a few days and looks under his bed to find a bowl of butter.
Did you hear the rumour about butter?
Never mind, I better not spread it.
Last night, a guy tried to stab me with a butter knife
He said i was toast.
Why did the man smear peanut butter on the road?
To go with the traffic jam.
In Alabama, when served rolls, they never serve the butter on the side.
Because they like it inbread.
Did you hear the rumor going around about butter?
Never mind, I shouldn't spread it.
An elderly man was on his deathbed.
A man is on home hospice, terminally ill and barely clinging to life. Well one afternoon he smells his absolute favorite thing in the whole world, peanut butter cookies, baking downstairs. After hours of anticipation the cookies don't come upstairs for him.
So he, against all odds, unhooks his IV's, creaks to his feet, and hobbles slowly down stairs where he beholds a platter of the cookies on the counter. He feebly reaches out for one and his wife slaps his hand away angrily.
"No! Those are for the funeral!"
A father and his son went outside for a walk.
The son steps on a butterfly. The father jokes : Your going to have to eat some butter now!
When they return back to their home, they find the kid's mother cooking in the kitchen. She accidentally steps on a cockroach. The son says to the father : I'll leave you guys to it then.
A little boy kills a butterfly and his dad says, no butter for 2 weeks. He kills a honeybee and his dad says, no honey for two weeks.
His mother kills a cockroach. He looks at his dad and says, are you going to tell her or should I?
A boy and his father are playing catch
A boy and his father were playing catch in the front yard when the
boy saw a honey bee. He ran over and stomped it.
"That was a honey bee," his father said,"one of our friends, and for
stomping him you will do without honey for a week."
Later the boy saw a butterfly so he ran over and stomped it.
"That was a butterfly," his father said, "one of our friends, and for
stomping him you will do without butter for a week."
The next morning the family had sat down for breakfast. The boy ate his plain toast (no honey or butter.)
Suddenly a cockroach ran from under the stove. His mother stomped it.
The boy looked at his father and said, "Are you going to tell her or
should I"?
Have you guys heard the story about the butter?
You know what, never mind. I don't want to spread it around.
A butterfly climbs out of its chrysalis...
...and says, "Oh my god, I'm turning into my mother!"
While playing in the backyard, Johnny kills a honeybee
While playing in the backyard, Little Johnny kills a honeybee. His father sees him killing the honeybee and angrily says, "No honey for you for one month!" Later that afternoon, Johnny's dad catches him tearing the wings off a butterfly. "That's it! No butter for you for one month!" says his dad. Later that evening as Johnny's mother cooks dinner, a cockroach run across the kitchen floor. She jumps and stomps on it, and then looks up to find Little Johnny and her husband watching her. Little Johnny looks at his father and says, "Are you going to tell her, Dad, or do you want me to?
I heard a rumour about butter...
Everyone's spreading it.
A wife was making breakfast of fried eggs for her husband
Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen. "Careful," he said, "CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them. TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!" The wife stared at him. "What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?" The husband calmly replied, "I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving."
Old people love
My grandma rubbed butter on granddad's feet when he was ill. He went downhill fast after that.
Quit bugging me
While playing in the backyard, Little Johnny kills a honeybee. His father sees him killing the honeybee and angrily says, "No honey for you for one month!"
Later that afternoon, Johnny's dad catches him tearing the wings off a butterfly. "That's it! No butter for you for one month!" says his dad.
Later that evening as Johnny's mother cooks dinner, a cockroach run across the kitchen floor. She jumps and stomps on it, and then looks up to find Little Johnny and her husband watching her.
Little Johnny looks at his father and says, "Are you going to tell her, Dad, or do you want me to?"
Different fats
The Italian man said, "Last week, my wife and I had great sex. I rubbed
her body all over with olive oil, we made passionate love, and she screamed
for five full minutes at the end."
The Frenchman boasted, "Last week when my wife and I had sex, I rubbed
her body all over with butter. We then made passionate love and she screamed for fifteen minutes."
The Gay guy said, "Well, last week my boyfriend and I also had sex. I
rubbed his body all over with Crisco. We made love, and he screamed for
over six hours."
The other two were stunned. The amazed Frenchman asked, "What could you
have possibly done to make your boyfriend scream for six hours?"
The Gay guy said, "I used the bedspread to wipe my hands."
I like my bread the way I like my women...
French and covered in butter.
My wife insisted on mixing the butter and flour together.
I told her she would roux the day.
A man robbed me of all my milk, cream, cheese, and butter.
How dairy..
I've never understood the difference between butter and ghee.
Perhaps someone could clarify.
I bet jellyfish are sad...
that there are no peanut butter fish.
I was walking down the road...
...when the guy in front of me turned around and started throwing milk, eggs, yoghurt and butter at me.
I thought, "How dairy!".
nsfw Son: Dad, remember when I killed that butterfly........
At Family Dinner:
Son: Dad, remember when I killed that butterfly and you told me, "no butter for a week?"
Dad: yeah...
Son: and when sis killed that honeybee and you said, "no honey for a week?"
Dad: yeah, that was a month ago. So what?
Son: Mom just killed a cockroach, should I break it to her?
I'm trying to cut butter out of my diet...
...by a large margarine.
A woman is buying groceries
A woman is buying groceries, she buys a banana, some milk and butter. At the checkout the clerk looks at her then the items in her basket and while scanning them says I can tell that you're single . The woman smiles and asks how can you tell and the clerk responds because you're ugly .
Smart Boy
In a Store a man asked for 1/2 packet of butter.
The salesperson, a young boy, said that only full packs were available in the Store,
but the man insisted on buying only 1/2.
So the boy went inside to the manager's room and said An idiot outside wants to buy only 1/2 pack of butter .
To his surprise, the customer was standing right behind him..!
So the boy added immediately, And this gentleman wants to buy the other half!!!!!! .
After the customer left, the manager said You have saved your position by being clever enough at the right time. Where do you come from?
To this the boy said, I come from Brazil. The place consists of only prostitutes and football players!!!!!
The manager replied coldly, My wife is also from Brazil .
To this the boy asked excitedly, Oh yeah? Which team does she play for?
I remember not long before grandpa died we covered his back with butter
he went downhill pretty quickly after that.
Man just attacked me with milk, cream and butter
How dairy.
Have you guys heard the secret about butter?
I don't want to tell you because you might spread it around...
BONUS:
What concert is cheaper than 50 cents to attend?
50 Cent feat. Nickelback
*BUHDUMCHHH*
What do peanut butter and prostitutes have in common?
They both spread for bread.
Oh little Johnny you are a real pain
While playing in the backyard, Little Johnny kills a honeybee. His father sees him killing the honeybee and angrily says, "No honey for you for one month!"
Later that afternoon, Johnny's dad catches him tearing the wings off a butterfly. "That's it! No butter for you for one month!" says his dad.
Later that evening as Johnny's mother cooks dinner, a cockroach run across the kitchen floor. She jumps and stomps on it, and then looks up to find Little Johnny and her husband watching her.
Little Johnny looks at his father and says, "Are you going to tell her, Dad, or do you want me to?"
Little Timmy was playing in the garden
Little Timmy was playing in the garden, and squashed a honey bee. His dad saw, and was so angry that he said 'No honey for a month!' Then he saw Little Timmy swat a butterfly, and he said 'No butter for a month, and you have to come inside now!' Meanwhile, his mum was cooking dinner. A cockroach ran across the kitchen, and she panicked and crushed it under her foot just as Little Timmy and his dad walked in. Little Timmy looked at his dad and said 'Do you want to tell her, or shall I?'
Little Johnny kills a honeybee
While playing in the backyard, Little Johnny kills a honeybee. His father sees him killing the honeybee and angrily says, "No honey for you for one month!"
Later that afternoon, Johnny's dad catches him tearing the wings off a butterfly. "That's it! No butter for you for one month!" says his dad.
Later that evening as Johnny's mother cooks dinner, a cockroach run across the kitchen floor. She jumps and stomps on it, and then looks up to find Little Johnny and her husband watching her.
Little Johnny looks at his father and says, "Are you going to tell her, Dad, or do you want me to?"
Why didn't the butterfly go to the dance?
Because it was a moth ball.
What do Southerners have in common with peanut butter?
They are both usually in bread.
So I was walking past my local supermarket the other day and a man started to throw cheese, butter and milk at me.
How dairy.
An Australian man was having coffee...
and toast with butter and jam in a cafe, when an American tourist, chewing gum, sat down next to him.
The Australian politely ignored the American who, nevertheless, started up a conversation. The American snapped the gum in his mouth and said, 'Do you Australian folk eat the whole bread?'
The Australian frowned, annoyed with being bothered during his breakfast, and replied, "yeah, of course."
The American blew a huge bubble. "We don't. In the States we only eat what's inside. The crusts we collect in a container, recycle them, transform them into croissants and sell them to Australia."
The American had a smirk on his face, the Australian listened in silence. The American persisted, "D'ya eat jam with the bread?" Sighing, the Australian replied "yes."
Cracking his gum between his teeth, the American said, "We don't. In the States we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, we put all the peels, seeds and leftovers in containers, recycle them, transform them into jam, and sell it to Australia.
The Australian then asked, "Do you have sex in the States?" The American smiled and said, "yeah, of course we do." The Australian leant closer to him and asked, "what do you do with the condoms once you've used them?"
"We throw them away of course" replied the American.
Now it was the Australian's turn to smile. "We don't. In Australia, we put them in containers, recycle them, melt them down into chewing gum and sell them to The United States.
I used to make jokes about people with butter fingers;
stopped 'cause they couldn't handle it.
I thought the recipe was for making margarine, however,
it churned out to be butter.
I found a butter replacement today...
It's margarinely better.
A string of jokes I heard a while ago
How do you get four elephants in a mini cooper?
Two in the front, two in the back.
How do you get four giraffes in a mini cooper?
You can't because of all the elephants.
How do you get two whales in a mini cooper?
Same way you get to Wales in any other car, down the M4, over the Severn Bridge.
How can you tell if there's an elephant in your fridge?
Footprints in the butter.
How can you tell if there are two elephants in your fridge?
You can hear them giggle when the lights go out.
How can you tell if there are three elephants in your fridge?
You can't *quite* get the door closed.
How can you tell if there are four elephants in your fridge?
There's a mini cooper parked outside.
What's the similarity between sodomy and broccoli?
Even with butter, children will still not like them
Have you heard of this new butter dish that can precisely measure servings for you?
It's said to have a very low margarine of error.
Little Johnny kills a butterfly
His dad says, "No butter for one week!" Little Johnny kills a honeybee. Dad says, "No honey for one week!" Mom kills a cockroach. Little Johnny turns to his dad and says, "shall I break the news to her?"
When my granddad was ill the doctor told us to put butter on his back
after that he went downhill very quickly
Did you hear the rumor about the butter?
It's okay. I shouldn't spread it
A boy and his father are sitting at the breakfast table, when the boy looks up and says:
A boy and his father are sitting at the breakfast table when the boy looks up and says:
"Dad, why are they called butterflies?"
The father has no idea, but instead of showing himself ignorant, he replies:
"Because they are big flies that eat butter."
"Do we have any at home?"
"Well, we have butter in the house, don't we?"
The boy considers this.
"But what about horse flies?" he asks.
"Oh yeah, they eat horses."
The boy's eyes grow large. "A-and do we have any at home?"
"Well, we don't have horses, do we?"
The boy considers this, and then break into tears.
"Dad... D-do we have any cockroaches at home?"
Why did the little boy throw a stick of butter out of the window?
To see a butterfly!
Again, thanks dad.
I am 20, Male, Dyslexic and love cockporn
with lots of butter of course!
Last Halloween
Last Halloween, I went to a costume party. I spot a guy dressed in a monkey costume with a jar of peanut butter in one hand and a chocolate bar in the other. I asked him what he was dressed as, and he replied, "Me? I am a Reese's Monkey."
How does a butter company measure its revenues?
net margarines
I wanted to improve my cooking skills, so I finally decided to cook my way through Julia Child's cookbook
I'm on page 122, but no matter how much butter I use, it still just tastes like paper.
What did the milk say after it got beat?
...It's butter this way
I want to tell you a joke about butter...
...but you have to promise you won't spread it around.
What do you get when you eat unsalted butter, all-purpose flour, baking powder, sugar, raw eggs, vanilla extract and whole milk?
A stomach cake!
When I killed a...
When I killed a honeybee dad told me no honey for a week.
When I killed a butterfly he said no butter for a week.
Well mom just killed a cockroach,
should I tell her for you?
Lousy elephant jokes
These are best all told in rapid succession:
--------
How do you fit four elephants in a VW Bug?
Two in the front, one in the back, one in the glove compartment.
-----------
How can you tell if there's an elephant hiding in your refrigerator?
There's a set of footprints in the butter.
-----------
How can you tell if there are **two** elephants hiding in your refrigerator?
There are **two** sets of footprints in the butter.
-----------
How can you tell if there are **three** elephants hiding in your refrigerator?
*Typically someone will reply, "THREE sets of footprints in the butter?"*
Nope, the door won't close.
-----------
How can you tell if there are **four** elephants hiding in your refrigerator?
You've got a VW Bug parked in your driveway.
I have a theory that consuming little bits of peanut butter encased in colored candy shells provokes silly rhymes.
I call it my Reeces Pieces Thesis.
.
.
.
.
I'll see myself out.
You guys hear the rare joke about the butter?
I would tell you but you might spread it...
What's the difference between girls of our generation and peanut butter?
One spreads easily and the other is peanut butter
Use only working piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Note that dirty and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. You can seriously offend people by saying creepy dark humor words to them.