Butter Jokes

Hilarious puns and funny pick up lines

Yesterday my daughter was playing in the garden when I saw her kill a butterfly. So to teach her a lesson I said, "Just for that you don't get any butter for a month."

Today in the kitchen she killed a cockroach. I said, "Nice try."

Wife sends her programmer husband grocery shopping

She tells him:

I need butter, sugar and cooking oil.
Also, get a loaf of bread and if they have eggs, get 6.

The husband returns with the butter, sugar and cooking oil, as well as 6 loaves of bread.

The wife asks:
Why the hell did you get 6 loaves of bread?

To which the husband replies:
They had eggs.

My friends keep telling me to stop impersonating butter.

But I can't. I'm on a roll now

If you ever stick your dick inside a peanut butter jar...

You're fucking nuts

A little boy kills a butterfly. Dad says, "No butter for one week!" The little boy kills a honeybee. Dad says, "No honey for one week!"

Mom kills a cockroach. The little boy turns to his dad and says, "Are you gonna tell her or should i do it?"

A little boy...

A little boy kills a butterfly.
Dad says : "No butter for you for a week!"

The little boy then kills a honeybee.
Dad says : "No honey for you for a week!"

Mom kills a cockroach.
The little boy asks : "Are you going to tell her or should I say it for you?"

For me, getting girls is like spreading butter...

It's much easier with a knife.

"Back in the day," my grandfather started to say,

"you could walk into a grocery store with 2 dollars in your pocket, and walk out with a loaf of bread, a dozen eggs, and a bit of butter as well."

"But today," he continued, "wherever you go - there are cameras."

Cute names to call your girlfriend with

1.sugar

2.honey

3.flour

4.egg

5.1/2 lb butter

6.stir

7.pour into pan

8.preheat to 375Β°

4-year-old's joke: What is a duck's favorite snack? Peanut butter (context in comments)

We told my four-year-old a joke: What is a duck's favorite snack? Quackers! HA!

He asked, "Quackers?" *confused* "Like, peanut butter and crackers?" "Sure, like peanut butter and crackers."

*runs into other room, calling his grandfather* "Pop Pop! What is a duck's favorite snack?" "Peanut butter" *falls over laughing at his own joke*

I like my butter how I like my family

In bread.

Dad, is that dog over there a wiener dog?

Son, with enough peanut butter every dog is a wiener dog.

A man just assaulted me with milk, butter and cheese

How dairy

For me, having sex is a lot like spreading butter on toast.

It's possible with a credit card, but so much easier with a knife.

What's similar about broccoli and anal?

No matter how much butter you use, kids will never like it

My daughter was playing in the garden when all of a sudden I saw her kill a butterfly. I said "just for that, you don't get any butter for a month!"

Today in the kitchen she killed a cockroach. I said "nice try."

A guy just assaulted me with milk, cream and butter.

How dairy.

A little boy killed a butterfly.

His dad looked at him disappointed and said,
"Son, because you killed that butterfly you won't get butter for a week."

A month later he killed a honeybee, his dad looked at him and said,
"Son, because you killed that honeybee you won't get honey for a week."

The boy looks at his father and says, "I also killed a cockroach."

The dad laughs at him and said, "Nice Try!"

A boy was trying to open a jar of peanut butter

And he was having a lot difficulty.

"Stupid, fucking, piece of shit jar. OPEN! You fucking jar"

Surprised, the mother asks him:

"Son, where did you pick that up?"

To which the father replies:

"From the cupboard, you stupid bitch"

Persuading girl into having sex with you is like spreading the butter on a toast.

It is possible with credit card, but it makes more sense using a knife.

I saw a guy with his dick in a jar of peanut butter

... he was fucking nuts.

When I was younger I used to masturbate by having sex with a jar of peanut butter...

But growing up and looking back I realize I was just fucking nuts.

Did you guys hear the rumor about the butter?

I don't know if I should spread it.

A man is getting ready to go on a business trip...

He has been suspicious of his wife cheating on him. So he places under his bed a spoon attached to a string that hangs on the metal frame with a bowl of milk under it. He measures the weight of his wife in bed alone to make sure it is not in the milk unless there is more weight.

The man leaves and comes home after a few days and looks under his bed to find a bowl of butter.

Did you hear the rumour about butter?

Never mind, I better not spread it.

Last night, a guy tried to stab me with a butter knife

He said i was toast.

A man just assaulted me with milk, cream and butter

How dairy.

Why did the man smear peanut butter on the road?

To go with the traffic jam.

Peanut Butter

So I was balls deep in peanut butter, and I thought to myself, "Peanut Butter's a weird name for a dog, isn't it?"

In Alabama, when served rolls, they never serve the butter on the side.

Because they like it inbread.

An elderly man was on his deathbed.

A man is on home hospice, terminally ill and barely clinging to life. Well one afternoon he smells his absolute favorite thing in the whole world, peanut butter cookies, baking downstairs. After hours of anticipation the cookies don't come upstairs for him.

So he, against all odds, unhooks his IV's, creaks to his feet, and hobbles slowly down stairs where he beholds a platter of the cookies on the counter. He feebly reaches out for one and his wife slaps his hand away angrily.

"No! Those are for the funeral!"

Did you hear the rumor going around about butter?

Never mind, I shouldn't spread it.

A boy and his father are playing catch

A boy and his father were playing catch in the front yard when the
boy saw a honey bee. He ran over and stomped it.


"That was a honey bee," his father said,"one of our friends, and for
stomping him you will do without honey for a week."


Later the boy saw a butterfly so he ran over and stomped it.
"That was a butterfly," his father said, "one of our friends, and for
stomping him you will do without butter for a week."


The next morning the family had sat down for breakfast. The boy ate his plain toast (no honey or butter.)


Suddenly a cockroach ran from under the stove. His mother stomped it.


The boy looked at his father and said, "Are you going to tell her or
should I"?

Have you guys heard the story about the butter?

You know what, never mind. I don't want to spread it around.

A butterfly climbs out of its chrysalis...

...and says, "Oh my god, I'm turning into my mother!"

A little boy kills a butterfly..

His dad tells him "No butter for two weeks"

The little boy kills a honeybee and his dad tells him "No honey for two weeks"

The little boy sees his mom killing a cock roach and the little boy turns to his dad and says "will you tell her or shall I?"

A wife was making breakfast for her husband when he ran into the kitchen with an alarmed expression

"TURN 'EM EGGS!! TURN'EM BEFORE THEY BURN!!!".

"GOOD LORD, WE ARE GOING TO NEED MORE BUTTER!!! GET IT! GET IT!!! DAMN THEY ARE GOING TO STICK!!!"

The wife looked at him with a puzzled expression and continued.

"HOLY SHIT! NOT SO MUCH SALT AND PEPPER!!! JUST A BIT!! YOU WILL RUIN THEM!!!"

The wife turned around and shouted, "WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU?!"

"Nothing", replied the husband in a calm and even tone. "Just wanted to give you an idea of what it's like when I am driving with you by my side."

While playing in the backyard, Johnny kills a honeybee

While playing in the backyard, Little Johnny kills a honeybee. His father sees him killing the honeybee and angrily says, "No honey for you for one month!" Later that afternoon, Johnny's dad catches him tearing the wings off a butterfly. "That's it! No butter for you for one month!" says his dad. Later that evening as Johnny's mother cooks dinner, a cockroach run across the kitchen floor. She jumps and stomps on it, and then looks up to find Little Johnny and her husband watching her. Little Johnny looks at his father and says, "Are you going to tell her, Dad, or do you want me to?

I heard a rumour about butter...

Everyone's spreading it.

Peanut butter and Jelly flavoured apples

A man is walking by a fruit stand and sees a sign for "Peanut Butter and Jelly flavoured Apples" so out of curiosity he asks the fruit vendor for a sample.

The man bites in to the Apple.

"Wow that tastes just like peanut butter, but you said it tastes like peanut butter AND jelly."

The vendor replies "Flip it around!"
And sure enough the other side tasted like jelly.

The man now astonished by this apple, asks about any other flavors.

The vendor says, "Sure I do! I even have an apple that tastes just like pussy. Try it!"

The man bites into it. With an expression of pure disgust he spits it out.

"This tastes like shit!!"

The fruit vendor replies, "Flip it around!"

A wife was making breakfast of fried eggs for her husband

Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen. "Careful," he said, "CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them. TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!" The wife stared at him. "What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?" The husband calmly replied, "I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving."

Old people love

My grandma rubbed butter on granddad's feet when he was ill. He went downhill fast after that.

Quit bugging me

While playing in the backyard, Little Johnny kills a honeybee. His father sees him killing the honeybee and angrily says, "No honey for you for one month!"

Later that afternoon, Johnny's dad catches him tearing the wings off a butterfly. "That's it! No butter for you for one month!" says his dad.

Later that evening as Johnny's mother cooks dinner, a cockroach run across the kitchen floor. She jumps and stomps on it, and then looks up to find Little Johnny and her husband watching her.

Little Johnny looks at his father and says, "Are you going to tell her, Dad, or do you want me to?"

Different fats

The Italian man said, "Last week, my wife and I had great sex. I rubbed
her body all over with olive oil, we made passionate love, and she screamed
for five full minutes at the end."
Β 
The Frenchman boasted, "Last week when my wife and I had sex, I rubbed
her body all over with butter. We then made passionate love and she screamed for fifteen minutes."
Β 
The Gay guy said, "Well, last week my boyfriend and I also had sex. I
rubbed his body all over with Crisco. We made love, and he screamed for
over six hours."
Β 
The other two were stunned. The amazed Frenchman asked, "What could you
have possibly done to make your boyfriend scream for six hours?"

The Gay guy said, "I used the bedspread to wipe my hands."

So last night I was balls deep in peanut butter...

...and I thought to myself, peanut butter is a weird name for a dog.

My wife insisted on mixing the butter and flour together.

I told her she would roux the day.

Husband knocks it out of the park!

A wife was making fried eggs in breakfast for her husband. Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen.
"Careful ... CAREFUL!" he yelled. "Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! They need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful ... CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!"
The wife stared at him. "What the hell is wrong with you?" she asked. "You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs after all these years?"
The husband calmly replied, "I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving with you in the car."

I like my bread the way I like my women...

French and covered in butter.

Cute things to call your girlfriend:

1. Sugar
2. Honey
3. Flour
4. Egg
5. 1/2lb butter
6. Stir
7. Pour into pan
8. Preheat to 375Β°

Frying Eggs

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly her husband burst into the kitchen.

"Careful ... CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful ... CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!"

The wife stared at him. "What the hell is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"

The husband calmly replied, "I wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving!"

A man robbed me of all my milk, cream, cheese, and butter.

How dairy..

I bet jellyfish are sad...

that there are no peanut butter fish.

A man was out golfing

He shanked his ball off the tee,

When he found it, it was sitting in a patch of butter cups.

He lines up to take a swing and hears "don't hit the buttercups" he looks around but see nothing

Sets up for another swing " don't hit the buttercups" looks around, he see no one.

He is about to take another swing when he looks down and sees a fairy on his ball " don't hit the buttercups and I'll give you all the butter you could ever want"

The man replies " where the fuck were you when I was in the pussy willows"

I was walking down the road...

...when the guy in front of me turned around and started throwing milk, eggs, yoghurt and butter at me.

I thought, "How dairy!".

You heard the rumour going around about butter?

Never mind. I shouldn't spread it.

I'm trying to cut butter out of my diet...

...by a large margarine.

nsfw Son: Dad, remember when I killed that butterfly........

At Family Dinner:
Son: Dad, remember when I killed that butterfly and you told me, "no butter for a week?"
Dad: yeah...
Son: and when sis killed that honeybee and you said, "no honey for a week?"
Dad: yeah, that was a month ago. So what?
Son: Mom just killed a cockroach, should I break it to her?

I decided to play a joke on my dad

Every morning for the past month, I put an index card that said "You are what you eat" in every compartment in the fridge, cupboards and pantry. He was starting to get really annoyed with all of it.

This morning, as I tucked into my bread slathered with delicious peanut butter at the table, my dad entered the kitchen, with fury in his eyes.
"If I find one of those stupid cards again, then I'm going to kick your ass!", he said as he reached for the fridge.
I whispered to myself "I'm toast."

A woman is buying groceries

A woman is buying groceries, she buys a banana, some milk and butter. At the checkout the clerk looks at her then the items in her basket and while scanning them says I can tell that you're single . The woman smiles and asks how can you tell and the clerk responds because you're ugly .

3 Men With Parkinson's.

Three men with Parkinson's are sitting in a bar, and one says to the other two, "Eurgh, life is so hard, it took me ten minutes to open my front door his morning!"

Another says, "You think you have it hard? It took me fifteen minutes to butter some toast!"

To which the third man replies "You guys have it easy, I came three times trying to take a piss!"

Smart Boy

In a Store a man asked for 1/2 packet of butter.

The salesperson, a young boy, said that only full packs were available in the Store,

but the man insisted on buying only 1/2.

So the boy went inside to the manager's room and said An idiot outside wants to buy only 1/2 pack of butter .

To his surprise, the customer was standing right behind him..!

So the boy added immediately, And this gentleman wants to buy the other half!!!!!! .

After the customer left, the manager said You have saved your position by being clever enough at the right time. Where do you come from?

To this the boy said, I come from Brazil. The place consists of only prostitutes and football players!!!!!

The manager replied coldly, My wife is also from Brazil .

To this the boy asked excitedly, Oh yeah? Which team does she play for?

I remember not long before grandpa died we covered his back with butter

he went downhill pretty quickly after that.

A guy visits an apple farm...

"What kinda apples ya got?" He says to the farmer.
"I have an apple for every taste. Name anything, and ill have an apple that tastes like it."
"Okay..." he says, skeptically, "do you have an apple that tastes like peanut butter and jelly?"
The farmer walks down a row, comes back and hands the man an apple. "Try it." He says.
The man takes a bite and "Wow!" he exclaims. "That tastes just like peanut butter!"
"Turn it around and take another bite" says the farmer.
The man turns the apple around. "That tastes just like jelly!! I'm amazed. What about an apple that tastes like ham and cheese?" He asks.
The farmer walks down a different and returns with an apple.
The man takes a bite. "Just like country ham!"
"Turn it around" says the farmer.
"Wow! Swish cheese! This is amazing!" The man says. "What about uh...what about an apple that tastes like pussy...?" He asks cautiously.
The farmer walks down yet another row. He returns and hands the man another apple.
The man takes a bite and is immediately disgusted. "That tastes like shit!" He yells.
The farmer turns to him and says " Well turn it around."

Man just attacked me with milk, cream and butter

How dairy.

What do peanut butter and prostitutes have in common?

They both spread for bread.

Oh little Johnny you are a real pain

While playing in the backyard, Little Johnny kills a honeybee. His father sees him killing the honeybee and angrily says, "No honey for you for one month!"

Later that afternoon, Johnny's dad catches him tearing the wings off a butterfly. "That's it! No butter for you for one month!" says his dad.

Later that evening as Johnny's mother cooks dinner, a cockroach run across the kitchen floor. She jumps and stomps on it, and then looks up to find Little Johnny and her husband watching her.

Little Johnny looks at his father and says, "Are you going to tell her, Dad, or do you want me to?"

Have you guys heard the secret about butter?

I don't want to tell you because you might spread it around...

BONUS:

What concert is cheaper than 50 cents to attend?

50 Cent feat. Nickelback

*BUHDUMCHHH*

No Butter!

Toward the end of the golf course, Harry and Fred both played poor shots. Harry somehow managed to hit his ball into the woods, finding it in a patch of pretty yellow buttercups.

Trying to get his ball back in play, he ended up thrashing just about every buttercup in the patch. All of a sudden, POOF!, in a flash and puff of smoke, a little old woman appeared.

She said, "I'm Mother Nature! Do you know how long it took me to make those buttercups? I'm so angry you won't have any butter for your toast for a month..... as a matter of fact, you won't have any butter for your toast for a year!" THEN POOF!....she was gone.

After Harry got a hold of himself, he hollered for his friend, Fred. "Fred, where are you?"

Fred yells back, "I'm over here, by the Pussy Willows."

Harry yells back......"DON'T SWING FRED!!!" "For God sake, DON'T SWING!!"

A man assaulted me with milk creme and butter

How dairy

Little Timmy was playing in the garden

Little Timmy was playing in the garden, and squashed a honey bee. His dad saw, and was so angry that he said 'No honey for a month!' Then he saw Little Timmy swat a butterfly, and he said 'No butter for a month, and you have to come inside now!' Meanwhile, his mum was cooking dinner. A cockroach ran across the kitchen, and she panicked and crushed it under her foot just as Little Timmy and his dad walked in. Little Timmy looked at his dad and said 'Do you want to tell her, or shall I?'ο»Ώ

Little Johnny kills a honeybee

While playing in the backyard, Little Johnny kills a honeybee. His father sees him killing the honeybee and angrily says, "No honey for you for one month!"

Later that afternoon, Johnny's dad catches him tearing the wings off a butterfly. "That's it! No butter for you for one month!" says his dad.

Later that evening as Johnny's mother cooks dinner, a cockroach run across the kitchen floor. She jumps and stomps on it, and then looks up to find Little Johnny and her husband watching her.

Little Johnny looks at his father and says, "Are you going to tell her, Dad, or do you want me to?"

A Woman Walks Into a Tattoo Parlor…

She says to the tattoo artist "My husband's nickname for me is Butter Buns, so I want the letter 'B' to be tattooed on each of my butt cheeks"

Later that night, she strips and bends over for her husband to show him the tattoo.

Look Honey, I got a new tattoo today!

He says, Bob? Who's Bob?

Why didn't the butterfly go to the dance?

Because it was a moth ball.

A little boy and his dad...

A little boy kills a butterfly. Dad says, "No butter for one week!" The little boy kills a honeybee. Dad says, "No honey for one week!" Mom kills a cockroach. The little boy turns to his dad and says, "Are you gonna tell her or should i do it?"

So I was walking past my local supermarket the other day and a man started to throw cheese, butter and milk at me.

How dairy.

What do Southerners have in common with peanut butter?

They are both usually in bread.

An Australian man was having coffee...

and toast with butter and jam in a cafe, when an American tourist, chewing gum, sat down next to him.

The Australian politely ignored the American who, nevertheless, started up a conversation. The American snapped the gum in his mouth and said, 'Do you Australian folk eat the whole bread?'

The Australian frowned, annoyed with being bothered during his breakfast, and replied, "yeah, of course."

The American blew a huge bubble. "We don't. In the States we only eat what's inside. The crusts we collect in a container, recycle them, transform them into croissants and sell them to Australia."

The American had a smirk on his face, the Australian listened in silence. The American persisted, "D'ya eat jam with the bread?" Sighing, the Australian replied "yes."

Cracking his gum between his teeth, the American said, "We don't. In the States we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, we put all the peels, seeds and leftovers in containers, recycle them, transform them into jam, and sell it to Australia.

The Australian then asked, "Do you have sex in the States?" The American smiled and said, "yeah, of course we do." The Australian leant closer to him and asked, "what do you do with the condoms once you've used them?"

"We throw them away of course" replied the American.
Now it was the Australian's turn to smile. "We don't. In Australia, we put them in containers, recycle them, melt them down into chewing gum and sell them to The United States.

What are the funniest butter jokes of all time?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking about Butter? Well, here are the best Butter puns to laugh out loud. Crazy and funny Butter pick up lines to share with friends.

Joko Jokes