The Best 74 Butt Jokes
Following is our collection of funny Butt jokes. There are some butt anal jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud.
Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these butt butt crack puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.
Top 10 of the Funniest Butt Jokes and Puns
What has two butts and kills people ?
An assassin
I've got butterflies in my stomach...
That's the last time I eat a cocoon.
Why didn't the butterfly go to the dance?
Because it was a moth ball.
Buttsex is a lot like spinach
If you're forced to have it as a child. You'll never enjoy it as an adult.
Thank you Daniel Tosh.
the butter churner asked the milk "whats wrong..."
the milk responded "im just a bit stirred up but ill be butter in a while"
I like my butter how I like my family
In bread.
A butterfly climbs out of its chrysalis...
...and says, "Oh my god, I'm turning into my mother!"
How does a butter company measure its revenues?
net margarines
Why will button controlled remotes always be better than voice command?
It goes without saying.
Is buttcheeks one word...
or should I spread them apart?
What do you call a man with his hands up a horse's butt?
An Amish Mechanic.
You can explore butt ass reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean butt buttock dad jokes. There are also butt puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.
What do you call a short Mexican researcher in Antarctica?
A Burrito
First joke I've ever come up with. My Hispanic wife laughed her butt off.
Is it acceptable to take the epidermis from your butt and graft it onto a buddy?
Ass skin for a friend.
Two freinds are sitting on a bench, a deaf elderly woman and a elderly man.
While they are chatting, the woman speaking and the man signing, the man would stop and laugh, making a visible laughing motion that the woman sees.
The woman eventually asks what is so funny and the man signs backing, "Oh it's nothing."
They move on and the woman eventually says that her butt has fell asleep.
The man signs that "I know, I could hear it snoring. Why do you think I was laughing?"
chicken butt joke
Knock knock
Who's there?
Interrupting cow
Interrupting cow who?
...chicken butt!
I was caught staring at a cute girl's butt
harassment a lot to me.
You know what's a REAL pain in the butt?
An uncomfortable chair.
Do you know what the difference between a butt kisser and a brown noser is?
Depth perception
Did you hear the rumor about butter?
Well, I'm not going to spread it!
I just can't ever see myself putting anything up my own butt
So I got a mirror.
Is buttcheeks one word?
Or do you have to spread them apart?
Little Johnny showed up to school butt naked except for a mask on his face.
When the teacher asked why he came to school like this, to which Johnny replied:
"They said admittance will be with mask only, so I came with a mask only."
What did the one butt cheek say to the other?
'Together we can stop this shit'
What did one butt check say to the other
Together we can stop this crap
A old husband tells his old wife:- " can't feel anything in my butt" she says:- "are you serious?"
He says:- " i am deadass serious"
What do you call someone who can't stop looking at other people's butt?
A Crack Addict!
What do you call a baguette up your butt?
A pain in the ass
A guy comes home with two black eyes.
A guy comes home with two black eyes and his wife looks at him in shock and asks how that happened. He replies: while I was in line at the supermarket I saw this woman with her dress wedged into her butt crack, so I reached down and pulled it out for her, and that's when she turned around and punched me in the face.
He wife then looks at him confused and says: that explains one black eye, but not the other.
He then says: well, based on her reaction I assumed she wanted it that way, so I put it back.
What has 2 butts and kill people?
An assassin
What do you use if you want a thicc and muscular butt in space?
Asteroids
What would be the world without women?
Just pain in the butt.
Two friends are eating at a pub when a woman next to them begins to choke...
Two friends are eating at a pub when a woman next to them begins to choke. Quickly and without hesitation, one friend quickly lifts up the woman's dress, bends her over, and licks her right and left butt cheeks. Immediately, she spits out her food enabling her to breath again before slapping him.
As the man returned to his seat, his buddy exclaimed, Wow! I've heard of the hine lick maneuver, but I've actually never seen it done before.
Wait, if you slap Dwayne Johnson's Butt...
Do you Hit Rock Bottom?
A man comes home from a formal party with two black eyes
His roommate looks at him surprised and asks him how on earth it happened.
The man says there was a beautiful young woman wearing a formal gown at the party, and he noticed that her dress was riding up the crack of her butt.
"Obviously", he said, "that's embarrassing and I don't want her to walk around like that. So I pulled it out of her crack and she punched me in the face for it!"
"Okay, that explains the first black eye." Responds the roommate. "But what about the second one?"
The man says, "well, I figured she liked it there so I tucked it back in!"
One evening a husband, thinking he was being funny, said to his wife.
Perhaps we should start washing your clothes in Slim Fast. Maybe it would take a few inches off of your butt!"
His wife was not amused, and decided that she simply couldn't let such a comment go un-rewarded.
The next morning the husband took a pair of underwear out of his drawer. "What the Heck is this??" he said to himself as a little 'dust' cloud appeared when he shook them out.
"April," he hollered into the bathroom, "why did you put talcum powder in my underwear?"
She replied... "It's not talcum powder... it's Miracle Grow."
Is buttcheeks one word?
Or should I spread them?
What do you call a Latina with a flat butt?
Bottomless Margarita
My 9yo made a joke: what happens when you shoot someone in the butt?
You give them a butt hole.
I got one of those fancy butt sprayers for my toilet, but it never works at night...
I guess I can only use it bidet.
Why does a duck have tail feathers...
To cover it's butt quack.
What has 2 butts and kill people?
An ass-ass-in
Laugh, damn it
Butter get some upvotes on cake day..
Or I'll feel desserted!
what happens when you slap Dwayne johnson in the butt?
You hit rock bottom.
Two tipsy women sneak into a graveyard to pee one night.
Once done, one uses her panties to wipe with and throws them away, the other uses a ribbon from a nearby wreath.
The next day one husband called the other: "My wife came home last night without any panties!"
"That's nothing!" The other replied, "My wife had a card stuck between her butt cheeks that said, 'From all of us at the fire station, we'll never forget you.'"
What happens when you touch Dwayne Johnson's Butt?-
You hit rock bottom.
Why Do Ducks Have Tails
To Cover Their Butt Quack
a man was in a party with his friend barney
he asked his friend: "how do you get women to like you so much?"
barney replied: "i have a trick, every time i meet them i squeeze them on the butt, it has some kind of pavlovian effect or something but it always works"
the man then went home, him and his wife haven't had sex for a couple of months now so he thought he should try this trick.
his wife was in the kitchen, he approached her from behind and squeezed her ass
his wife replied: "oh barney is that you?"
Speaking of a big fat butt!
A girl takes her big fat cat to the vet.
"My cat is very fat, she says.
"Alright," says the vet. "I will look at him."
The vet picks up the cat and examines its teeth. Then she looks at its eyes. Then into its ears.
Finally, she turns to the girl and says, I'm very sorry. I'm going to have to put your cat down."
"Oh no! Because he's so fat?"
"Yes, says the doctor. My arms are very tired."
Can butt skin be donated for skin grafts?
Ass-skin for a friend.
A guy goes to the doctor with bowel problems
"Doc. My butt just ain't right the past few days." he says.
"Alright," says the doctor.
"Pull your pants down and tell me where it's hurting exactly."
The guy does so, points and says,
"It's particularly painful near the entrance here."
The doctor is taken back and says,
"Well... I believe it is hurting because you just called it the entrance"
What do turtles say to themselves to calm down?
My 7 yr old: dad, I made up a joke and it's really funny.
Me: ok hit me.
Her: what do turtles say to themselves to calm down?
Me: mmm I dunno, what?
Her: in through your nose, out through your butt.
Me: …
Her: …
Me: …
Her: turtles breathe through their butts, dad.
Me: oh! Haha nice one. Wow. You're smart.
Did you hear about the man who installed a window in his butt?
It was a pane in the ass.
Can I take a skin graft from my butt and put it on someone who isn't related?
ass skin for a friend
Tomorrow I'm having skin grafted from my butt onto my hand and I cope with humor. Make me laugh.
I'm going to have to ask my girlfriend if she wants to try butt stuff just so we can hold hands.
The surgeon's going to hand my ass to me.
If I high five someone did they technically smack my ass?
How I lost my Teeth
I was in my local pub last night enjoying a nice cold pint of beer, when this butt ugly fat bird came up to me and slapped me in the back, and said how about giving me your number handsome
I looked at her and asked Do you have a pen sure! She said.
So I said, Well you better get back in it before the farmer notices you're missing!
My dental surgery is this Friday!.
I think butter substitutes are better than butter
But only margarinely
Why did the Buddhist pull a coin out of his butt?
Because change comes from within.
A man and a woman are standing in an elevator
Man: Excuse me, Miss, can I smell your butt?
Woman: (Disgusted) What!? Of course not!
Man: Oh, I see... well then I guess that must be your breath.
When you say poop your mouth makes the same shape as your butt when you poop
The same is true with explosive diarrhea
The plastic surgeon
A plastic surgeon walks into a bar and orders a beer. "I've been wondering... Can you successfully transfer a skin graft off one person's butt to another person who isn't related to the donor?" the bartender asks. "Ass skin for a friend."
What's the difference between a mega church pastor and a crazed marine carrying a butt plug covered in superglue?
One wants to heal your soul for money.
The other wants to seal your hole for Gunny.
Little girls first day at new school.The teacher asks her name.
The girl replies, "Happy butt." The teacher is a little annoyed and asks again. The girl answers, "Happy butt." The teacher wants to set an example on the first day and sends the girl to the principal's office.
The principle looks at the girl's file and says, "Why didn't you give your correct name? It says here your name is Gladys."
The girls says, "Glad ass, happy butt- what's the difference?"
A guy with worms up his butt goes to see a doctor.
Guy: Doc, these worms be killing me, what can we do ??
Doc: Get a watermelon, sit on it, once the worm leader gets a taste, He'll call his buddies to join him out.
And sure enough our guy does as instructed, after hours of watermelon sitting, the worm leader crawls out for little taste.
The worm leader: Yo me hearties, on my three, and.. LIFT!
Damn autocorrect!
My Wife texted me a selfie in a new dress and asked "Does this make my butt look big?"
I texted back "Noo!"
My phone autocorrected my response to "Moo!"
Please send help!
Why do ducks have feathers?
To cover their butt quacks.
.....I'll gather your upvotes and see my way out.
A man came home from church with two black eyes
His wife had gone to an earlier service while he slept in and she was shocked when he came home.
"What happened to you at church?" she asked.
He explained, "We stood up to sing a psalm and I noticed the lady in front of me had her dress tucked way up her butt. You know me, always wanting to help others, I pulled it out. She turned around and punched me in the eye!"
The wife asked about the other eye.
He explained, "Well you know me, always wanting to help others, I tucked it back in."
What's the difference between a wise guy and a butt sniffer?
One's a smart fella, the other is a fart smella.
Interspecies communication breakthrough!
I just sat on the toilet and realized my butt speaks fluent Humpback Whale!
What's another name for your buttcrack?
The assfault.
Biden, Macron, and Putin make a bet who is going to successfully feed mustard to dog
Biden takes the mustard bottle, shoves it in dogs mouth, then squeezes. "That's animal cruelty!" the other two protest.
Macron takes a sausage, puts the mustard inside it, then give it to the dog. "That's cheating!" the other two protest.
Putin takes the mustard, then squeezes it all on the dog's butt. The dog howls in pain, licking off the mustard from his butt, whining the whole time. Putin, with a victorious smile on his face: "That's how we do things in Russia: voluntarily, and with a song!"
A man and his new guard dog
A guy and his dog walk into a bar. The guy orders a beer and the dog flops down on the floor and immediately starts licking its butt. "This is my new attack dog," the guy tells the bartender. "He's very dangerous." The bartender looks at the dog that is still flopped down, panting, licking. "He doesn't look too scary from here, he's more interested in his butt." "Oh, don't mind that," the guy replies. "He just got done biting my lawyer. He's still trying to get the taste out of his mouth."
Someone butt dialed me again yesterday.
It seems that only assholes want to speak to me.
I'm sorry, when I said "butter" I really meant "ghee".
I should have clarified.
DC Comics: Introducing the incredible Butt Cleansing Man! Regular guy by night...
Superhero bidet.
Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the butt bum jokes and puns are jokes supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, are mean or racist, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become bullying and inappropriate.
We suggest to use only working butt butt fucking piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.