butt fucking Jokes

funny pick up lines and hilarious butt fucking puns

A gay guy wants to get a tattoo to surprise his boyfriend for his birthday, so the tattooist asks, Well, what does he like? Boxing! replies the man.

Why don't you get Mohammed Ali on your left butt cheek and Mike Tyson on your right?

Ok! he says, goes home and shows his boyfriend his new tatts.

You're fucking insane! screams his boyfriend.

Why? he cries in disbelief.

Because there's no way in hell I'm getting in the ring between those two!"

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A child asks his Grandpa for a cookie

The Grandpa says, "Can your penis touch your butt?"

The child says no, so the Grandpa says no.

Two years later the child asks if he can have a cookie

The Grandpa says again, "Can your penis touch your butt?"

The child says no again, so the Grandpa says no.

Another two years go by and the child asks if he can have a cookie.

The grandpa says, "Can your penis touch your butt?"

The child says yes

The Grandpa then says, "Then go fuck yourself."

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They say puns are bad to bring up during gay sex...

Butt fuck that.

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A beautiful young woman goes to the doctor's office

The nurse puts her in an exam room, and asks her to remove her clothes. When the doctor arrives, he is dumbstruck by how pretty she is, and he can't maintain his professionalism.

He starts to feel her breasts, and says to her, "Do you know what I'm doing?" She replies, "Checking for breast lumps that may be cancerous."

He then asks her to turn over on the table and starts rubbing her ass, and spreading her butt cheeks apart. He says, "Do you know what I'm doing now?" She replies, "Checking for abnormalities and hemorrhoids."

Finally he removes his pants, slides his cock in her pussy, and slowly starts to fuck her. He says, "Do you know what I'm doing now?"

She replies, "Getting herpes. That's why I'm here."

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Three guys go out to play golf

Just as they are teeing off, a lone player asks if he could join and make the group a four-some. After a couple of holes one of the golfers asks the mysterious man "so what you do for a living?" to which the loner replies "Me? I'm a hitman."

At first the other men were skeptical, but then the Hitman said, "you know I have the tools of the trade right here..." and he proceeded to pull a sniper rifle out of his golf bag, and handed the rifle to one of the guys, the man looked through the powerful scope. "Wow I can see my house from here!" He focused the scope. "Holy shit its my wife, and she's butt-ass naked!...Wait a minute, my neighbor is there too!

The golfer was completely distraught, and he said with some coldness, "Hey Hitman, how much you charge?" "$5,000 a shot" Without hesitation, the man took out a huge wad of cash - "O.K. I want you to shoot my neighbor's dick off so he'll never fuck my wife again. Then shoot my wife's mouth off cause it's always yap-yap-yap-yap-yap and I''ve been trying to shut that hole for years."

The Hitman took aim. He waited.

and waited,

and waited...

Finally, the client said "Hitman, we got some golf to play, you gonna shoot or what?"

The Hitman just smiled and said "I'm about to save you five grand."

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So there's this party where everyone has to come dresses as an emotion...

...one guy comes in all black - sadness. Another in all yellow - fear, and another in green - envy. Then the host answers the door to see two guys standing there, butt-naked, except one of them has a pear on the end of his dick, and the other had a can of custard on his dick.
"What the hell are you assholes doing? You're supposed to be dressed as emotions at this party!"
"I know," the first guy replied. "I'm deep in 'dis pear" and the second guy added "I'm fucking 'dis custad"

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Beautiful butt

A married man keeps telling his blonde wife "Honey, you have a beautiful butt". She asks her friends if she has a beautiful butt and they agree. Her husband's birthday is coming up so she decides to get a tattoo "Beautiful Butt" on her ass.

The tattoo artist tells her, "I can't fit that on your ass, it takes up too much space. But I tell you what, I'll put BB on each cheek for beautiful butt". She agrees. On the husband's birthday she's standing on top of the stairs wearing a robe. When he gets home, she says, " Look honey." She opens the robe and bends over, and her husband yells, "WHO THE FUCK IS BOB?".

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Two firefighters

Two firefighters are butt fucking in a smoke filled room. The chief walks in and yells,"what the fuck is going on in here?" The one firefighter says," he was suffering from smoke inhalation." So the fire chief asks," why didn't you try mouth to mouth?" The firefighter says," how the hell do you think this got started!"

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A father is driving his daughter to school one morning

A father is driving his 7-year-old daughter to school one morning when they pass two dogs vigorously screwing on the side of the road.

Father, a little flustered, explains - "Isn't that nice. The one in back must have injured it's paws, so the one in front is giving him a ride home."

Daughter replies, "Ain't that the way it always goes. Try to help a friend and you get butt fucked every time."

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Wonder Woman is a hottie...

One day superman was flying around a city high in the sky. He glances down to see Wonder Woman laying on top of a building. On closer inspection he realized that she is butt naked with her legs spread wide open. Superman thinks to himself "you know, I am faster than a speeding bullet, I bet I could go down there and fuck her so fast she wouldn't even know what happened." So he does it. Right after, Wonder Woman says "what the fuck was that?" The Invisible man on top of her says "I don't know, but jesus my asshole hurts."

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A farmer selling his peaches

A farmer knocks on the door and an attractive woman answers the door in skimpy lingerie.
"Hello Ma'am, would you like to buy some peaches?"

As she leans on the door frame she asks; "are they as soft as these?" while she touches her breasts. "Or are they as round as this?" as she touches her butt. "Could they be as fuzzy as this" as she touches her privates.

The farmer begins crying and the woman looks at him confused "Why on earth are you crying?"

"The drought got my corn, the locust got my wheat, and it looks like i'm about to get fucked out of my peaches."

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I was gonna tell a gay joke...

~~butt fuck it.~~

though I decided not to because it would offend the members of the LGBT community.

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One day John fucked his teacher.

He told his mom, and she was very ashamed.
But when he told his dad, he was proud that his son had sex.
He then thought they should have father-son time and said:
"John, do you want to go on a bike ride?"
And John said "no thanks, my butt still hurts."

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Boy should start having sex.

Son, a boy your age should start having sex. I want you to give it a try. Find someone at school and just go for it.

The next day:
Dad, dad, I fucked my teacher!
That's great son, but can you do it again?

Sure I can. And he does, again and again.
This goes on for the entire week.

On Friday Dad comes home with a gift. Son, I'm so proud of you that I bought you a new bike. Let's go for a ride.
I can't dad, my butt's too sore.

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A homeless man buys a bottle of wine

He passes out on the street after drinking it all. A man on his way back home sees this and fucks the homeless dude in the ass, then puts 50$ in his pocket.

The next day, he buys another bottle of wine with the 50$ he found in his pocket. Same thing happens, and the man fucks and pays him again.

On the following night, the homeless man goes to the store and asks for a bottle of whiskey.

"No wine today?" the shopkeeper asks.

"Nah, wine makes my butt hurt in the morning"

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First time "testing the water"

I was once in school and was asked about a story I knew with a moral at the end, I told a story of my grandfather during the war, he was by himself and twenty Germans were about to attack him, he had one grenade, 5 bullets and a bottle of whiskey, as they began their attack and my grandfather drank his wiskey he shot 5, killed 3 with a grenade and bashed the rest to death with the butt of his rifle & bare hands.

The teacher asked "so the moral of that story is what patience ? Never give up ?"

I said "nope, the moral of the story is don't fuck with my grandfatherwhen he's drunk"


Hope you enjoyed, comment if you'd like to hear more :)

And Merry Christmas !

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Relax, I'm the Doctor

A pregnant woman is in labor for many hours at the hospital. Finally the baby is delivered, and the exhausted woman holds out her arms. "Give me my baby," she says. "I want to hold my baby."

"Just a moment, ma'am," the doctor says. "I'm sure you know there's a routine procedure we follow for newborns." He turns the child over and slaps it on its butt.

"OK," says the woman. "Now give me my baby."

"Just a moment, ma'am, just a moment," says the doctor. Then he turns the baby over again, and punches it square in the face.

The woman gasps. "Ok, ok!" she says. "Now give me my baby!"

"Ma'am," the doctor says reassuringly. "Trust me. I'm a professional. Just one more moment, please." With this, he takes the baby by the ankles, raises it above his head, and slams it against a steel operating table, over and over again.

"Oh my God!" the woman screams. "You killed my baby!"

"Aw, I'm just fucking with you," the doctor laughs. "It was already dead."

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A Grandfather And A Grandson Go Fishing.

While they are sitting there the Grandfather pulls out a cigar and begins to light it. The Grandson asks "Can I have one of those?" To which the Grandfather replies "Can your dick touch your butt hole?". The Grandson says "no" and they go back to fishing. A couple minutes later the grandfather pulls out a beer and begins to open it. The Grandson asks "Can I have one?" To which the grandfather asks "Can your dick touch your butt hole yet?". The grandson says "no" and they go back to fishing. Couple minutes later the Grandson pulls out a bag of cookies. The Grandfather asks "Can I have one of those?" The grandson asks "Can your dick touch your butt hole?" The Grandfather smiles and says "yes". The Grandson turns to him and says "Well go fuck yourself cause Grandma made these for me."

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Tess is sleeping during class

The teacher asks her a question. ''Tess, can you tell us who made the earth?'' The boy behind her stabs her in her butt with a pencil. ''God almighty!'' Tess screams. ''Good job!'' Says the teacher.
A couple of days later, she's sleeping again during the same class. The same teacher asks her ''Tess, who was born on the 25th of december?'' The boy behind her stabs her in her butt- again. ''Jezus Chist!'' She cries. ''Well done'' Says the teacher.
A while later, the teacher asks Tess another question. ''Tess, what did Eva say to Adam after the birth of their 21st child?'' The boy behind Tess saves her once again with the pencil. Tess gets mad and screams "If you stick that thing in my hole one more time, i''l fucking break it!'

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Who's Bob?

A married man keeps telling his wife "honey, you have a beautiful butt", she asks her friends if she has a beautiful butt and they agree. Her husbands birthday is coming up so she decides to get a tattoo "Beautiful Butt" on her ass. The tattoo artist tells her "I can't fit that on your ass, it takes up too much space. But I tell you what, I'll put BB on each cheek for beautiful butt". She agrees. On the husbands birthday shes standing on top of the stairs wearing a robe. When he gets home, she says "look honey." She opens the robe and bends over and her husband yells "WHO THE FUCK IS BOB?".

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Tapeworm

A man goes to the doctor where it is determined he has a tapeworm.

The doctor says every morning at 7am stock 2 soft boiled eggs up your butt, then a cookie. The man hesitates, but he trusts the doctor. And come back next week at 7am.

The man shoved 2 eggs then a cookie up his butt for a week then shows up to the doctor's. There is a knife and 2 eggs on the table.

The doctor has the man bend over and shoves two eggs up his butt and, holding the knife, he waits about a minute.

Our pops the tapeworm's head where the fuck is my cookie? Chop!

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A child asks his Grandpa IF HE CAN REPOST A JOKE

The Grandpa says, "Can your penis touch your butt?"

The child says no, so the Grandpa says no.

Two years later the child asks if he can repost a joke

The Grandpa says again, "Can your penis touch your butt?"

The child says no again, so the Grandpa says no.

Another two years go by and the child asks if he can repost a joke.

The grandpa says, "Can your penis touch your butt?"

The child says yes

The Grandpa then says, "Then go fuck yourself."

The child says, "Fuck you old man, I just clicked submit"

Grandpa dies. But this joke won't. It will never fucking die.

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Two firemen are butt-fucking in a smoke filled room...

The captain enters the room and yells at the firemen "What the hell are you guys doing?"

The fireman points to his bent over coworker and says "He passed out from smoke inhalation."

"Why didn't you just give him mouth-to-mouth?" The captain asks...

The bent over fireman says "How do you think this got started?"

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A Russian World War II veteran

Is telling his grandchildren:

"So the Germans surrounded us, captured us, and told us, "You choose: either we butt-fuck you, or we shoot you..."

"And what happened, grandpa?"

"The cursed Nazis shot me to death."

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A dad is eating cookies in the kitchen and the son comes in...

Son: Can I have a cookie?

Dad: Can your dick touch your butt?

Son: No.

Dad: Then no, go away!

The next day the dad is eating cupcakes in the kitchen and the boy comes in...

Son: Can I have a cookie?

Dad: Can your dick touch your butt?

Son: No, I already told you this!

Dad: Then no, go away!

The next day the son was eating candy in the kitchen and the dad comes in...

Dad: Hey son can I have some candy?

Son: Can your dick touch your butt?

Dad: Why yes it can!

Son: Then go fuck yourself!

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What's the difference between a microwave and butt fucking?

A microwave doesn't brown your meat.

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Kevin Spacey while writing his apology: "I could own up to the mistakes I've made...

...butt fuck it"

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Anal sex is like a big red button with "do not push" on it...

You know you shouldn't, butt fuck it.

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Does your penis touch your butt?

A grandfather and grandson are taking a walk one day. While walking, the grandfather takes out a flask from his pocket and started drinking. "Can I have some of that?", the grandson asked. "Does your penis touch your butt?", replied that grandfather. "No.", said the grandson. "Then you can't have any." was the grandfather's reply.

A little while later, the grandfather takes out a cigarette and starts smoking. "Can I have one?", asked the grandson. "Does your penis touch your butt?" said the grandfather. "No.", said the grandson. "Then you can't have any.", said the grandfather.

The pair stop at a store where the grandfather buys a scratch off lotto ticket and hands it to the grandson. He scratches it off and wins $10,000. The grandfather asks, "Can I have some money?", to which the boy replies, "Does your penis touch your butt?", "Yes.", said the grandfather. The grandson replied, "Go fuck yourself then."

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I wasn't sure about having sex with aliens

Butt fuck 'et

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Insatiable sexual appetite.

A man with an insatiable appetite for prostitutes is walking down the street with $10 left to his name. He passes a place with blacked out windows offering three X's of entertainment. Thinking "what the hell" he walks in and asks what he can get for a five. The clerk points him to a room and tells him to "do whatever the sign says". The man walks into the room and is surprised to see a chicken on a table. As you could guess the sign above the chicken says "fuck the chicken". A little put off he still decides he's pretty horny and starts going to town on the chicken. Slowly realizing its doing nothing for him he zips up and leaves.

The next day the man decides to give it another shot and return to the store. He tells the clerk yesterday didn't do anything for him and asks what else he could get for a five. The clerk points him to a set of peepholes and tells him to look through. Seeing two other men looking through other sets he sits down in between them. The man looks through the peephole to see men butt fucking. He recoils yelling "why the fuck would I want to see that"... To which the gentleman beside him responds "shoulda been here yesterday, there was a guy fucking a chicken".

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Boy and his grandpa are fishing

A grandpa took his grandson fishing. A while in the grandpa takes out a cigar and starts smoking. The little kid asks if he can have one too and the grandpa says, "does your wiener touch your butt?" To which the kid responds no, then the grandpa says "that's too bad, then no".

Later on the grandpa gets out a beer and the kid asks again if he can have some, to which he responds, does your widened touch your butt, no, that's too bad..

The kid then grabs out some chips ahoy and milk and starts eating them. The grandpa asks "can I have some". The little kid says "does your wiener touch your butt?" The grandpa replies "yes, it does". The little kid the says "well then you can go fuck yourself".

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A boy saw his grandfather smoking a cigar...

he said "hey grandfather can i smoke that cigar" the grandfather said "can your pecker touch your butt?" the kid said "no". "well you cant have this". later the kid saw his grandfather drinking beer, he asked "can i drink that beer?", "can your pecker touch your butt?" "no" "then you cant have this!"..the next day the kid's grandmother make him some cookies, so he sat on the porch and ate the cookies. the grandfather went up to the kid and said "can i have some of those cookies?" the kid asked "can your pecker touch your butt?" "why yes it can" "THEN GO FUCK YOURSELF BECAUSE GRANDMA MADE THESE COOKIES FOR ME"

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I dont like anal sex

Butt-fuck it

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I Used To Be Against Sodomy

Butt fuck it!

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What are the most funny Butt Fucking jokes of all time ?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking with someone about Butt Fucking? Well, here are the best Butt Fucking dad jokes to laugh out loud. Crazy funny puns and Butt Fucking pick up lines to share with friends.

Joko Jokes